PARENTHOOD

by David W. Proefrock, PhD

Your 8- and 10-year-old sons don’t seem to be able to get along with each other in spite of all your efforts to encourage them to cooperate and enjoy each other’s company. In fact, the situation has gotten worse recently. Not only do they seem to be fighting constantly, but their fights have become more violent. What do you do?

A. Fighting between brothers is normal at this age. There is no need to interfere. This stage will pass in time,

B. Decide on a reasonable consequence for fighting and make sure that you enforce the consequence every time the kids get into a fight.

C. At this point, it seems that every effort to make them get along has failed. Strong discipline is needed. Spankings for fighting are probably best.

D. This is serious. Seek professional help. Family therapy might be the answer.

If you answered:

A. It is true that fights between siblings are normal, but it is not true that they should be ignored. These fights have become more frequent and more violent. You must intervene with consequences.

B. This is the best choice. However, make sure the consequence de-escalates the fight. Sending them to separate rooms until they calm down is a good possibility. You should also add that they have to be able to tell you a better way they could have handled the situation before the consequence ends. It is important that you give the consequence every time there is a fight.

C. This is never the best response. Using violence to reduce violence does not teach the right lesson, only that you are a better fighter than they are at this age. That’s not going to last.

D. You may end up having to do this, but trying consistent consequences that reduce aggression and encourage cooperation should be tried first.

Dealing with this situation is actually more complicated than this brief overview. In order to enforce the consequences you’ve chosen, you are going to have to determine when an argument (possibly without consequences) escalates to a fight (with consequences). Make sure that the determination is yours, not theirs, and that they can’t argue their way out of it.

Dr. Proefrock is a retired local clinical and forensic child psychologist.