Middle Age SHORTSTORIES

IT’S YOUR LIFE. PROTECT IT For one of my patients I repeatedly tried to explain why he needed a colonoscopy so many times I can’t count the number. And many times I provided him with the non-invasive card to check for fecal occult blood. He refused them all every single time.

BY J.B. COLLUM

It’s time to talk about colon health again. “Oh goody,” you thought, right? Maybe not. I hope you weren’t eating when you started reading this. I wouldn’t want to ruin your meal. Readers with too much time on their hands may be thinking that it is too soon for me to get another colonoscopy, and they would be correct. But it is long past due for my lovely wife to have one, and I have been haranguing her about making an appointment since about 2018. But she put it off, then the pandemic happened, and a lot of important stuff fell by the wayside.

THIS TIME IT’S MY WIFE

Well, she finally did it. She did the dreaded prep after semi-fasting the requisite days and resisting certain foods even before that.

I drove her to the Augusta Endoscopy Center in Evans early Thursday morning and got to be the supportive spouse for a change instead of the one getting the medical procedure. That said, I still managed to suffer of course. Even as I type this, I can see my wife rolling her eyes at my so-called suffering. I did not realize that once I got her there, I was not allowed to leave. I even had to sign a form to that effect. I had planned on quickly leaving to grab some breakfast while she was under, but those plans came crashing down. I thought I could have it both ways. I could be the supportive husband who didn’t eat before we left the house or even have a cup of coffee since she could not have anything. But then, after I dropped her off, I could head over to Waffle House for an endless cup of coffee, an AllStar breakfast with a double waffle, and still get back in time to pick her up and hope she didn’t smell maple syrup on my breath — although I’m sure there would have been some on my shirt anyway. I can’t seem to avoid it. I think it has something to do with how far my belly sticks out. It is just too much to expect that a fork can traverse that vast distance without dripping something along the way. Somebody should get to work on fixing that.

So I had to be patient and tell my stomach to stop grumbling. I am so used to being the patient that I got up when they called a name that sounded like mine. They first called our last name and both my wife and I stood up. Then they called my first name, and both my wife and I were confused. I looked at her with an accusatory glance, thinking that she had managed to fool me into some procedure with a ruse about it being for her. But it turned out they were calling someone named “Jean” with our same last name. We had a quick laugh, and then sat back down while Jean went back for her procedure. I went to talk to her husband, who, like me, was no doubt sitting there thinking about breakfast. I mean thinking about his wife, like me. Since we shared a last name, we tried to figure out if we were related, but as it turned out, we are not.

Not long after this, they called my wife’s name and the real wait began. I played some chess on my phone, played with a little music maker I had brought along (with headphones of course) and before I knew it, they invited me back into the room as she was waking up from the procedure. The doctor said that it looked good. There was one small polyp that he didn’t think was serious, but they would be sending it off to be tested. (Side note: it is embarrassing how hard it was for me to figure out how to spell “polyp.” I was so far off even autocorrect had no clue what I was trying to say. ) After the doctor and nurses went over a few things with us, I was sent off to bring the truck around to pick her up. I could hardly hold back my excitement. I was finally getting breakfast and coffee at Waffle House, or so I thought. My wife had actually said this was what she wanted when I first visited her in the room after she woke up, but after talking to the nurses, she decided on something lighter. I was pouting until she set me straight and told me she wouldn’t have let me have a double-waffle anyway (she was reading my mind) and I would have had to use the sugar-free syrup even at that. I had to settle for a gravy biscuit, a chicken biscuit, and hash browns. Yeah, I know. I’m a spoiled brat.

After breakfast, I drove us home and doted on my bride for a couple of hours to make sure she was well taken care of before I returned to my work. It was nice to be the caregiver for a change instead of the care receiver, but next time I’m leaving early and going for breakfast first, or at least sneaking some granola bars in my pockets along with a thermos of coffee. It was also nice to not be the one passing the gas. That is something that I don’t believe my wife is normally capable of, while I, on the other hand, have raised it to an artform. I got quite a few chuckles as her body slowly worked out all of the gas they had pumped into her intestines. It started on the way home and then continued in our bedroom. She even brought in an industrial-grade air freshener to combat it. I laughed every time and if looks could kill, I’d be six feet deep right now.

If you are over fifty and you haven’t had a colonoscopy, then you need to get right on that. We were told that, depending on age and risk factors, a second colonoscopy should be no more than 5-10 years after the first. So if you are older than 50 and have had a colonoscopy but are overdue for your second one, you too need to make that call right now. In any case, consult your regular physician about getting this taken care of along with all of the other important health stuff you keep putting off because you never know. You could be running out of time.

J.B. Collum is a local novelist, humorist and columnist who wants to be Mark Twain when he grows up. He may be reached at johnbcollum@gmail.com

Ultimately I ended up visiting him in the hospital until he went to the palliative care unit where he died of very painful colon cancer. If there is ever a test you SHOULD do, it’s a colonoscopy because colon cancer is silent, meaning you don’t have pain or symptoms until it’s too late to do anything except die. Doctors love to do surgery and chemotherapy for colon cancer, but the chances of remission after your latestage diagnosis is very low — about 17% — and that after all the pain of surgery and nausea, vomiting, hair loss, disability of chemotherapy, trips to doctors and hospitizations — all just because you refused a painless procedure, a colonoscopy. Follow your doctor’s advice and get your colonoscopy. If not for you, think of what your loved ones will have to go through with you. Save your own life! Get your colonoscopy!