The Advice Doctor

Walter died. His lawyer stood before the family to read Walter’s Last Will and Testament.

To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and one million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, the Benz, and the new Jaguar.

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is more important than wealth, I leave my treadmill.

Moe: Never combine bleach and vinegar!

Joe: Why not?

Moe: It’s an oxidant waiting to happen.

Moe: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Joe: I give. How many?

Moe: Just one. But it takes six visits.

A helicopter experiences engine failure above a secluded Scottish island and is forced to make an emergency landing.

Fortunately, a cottage is within sight, and

Moe: What would people do if they were in the Horn of Africa during an earthquake?

Joe: Shake Djibouti.

Moe: I’m writing a book about how tornados and hurricanes form.

Joe: I’d like to read it. Is it almost done?

Moe: No, right now it’s just a draft.

Moe: Hey, I’m writing a children’s story. I need a good name for a laundromat for pigs.

Joe: What about Hogwash?

Moe: What would be a good brand name for tofu sausage?

Joe: Not dog.

Moe: What kind of dog can do magic?

Joe: A Labracadabrador.

Moe: What do you call a dog that floats?

Joe: Good buoy!

Moe: If I had a dime for every good joke I’ve ever read in this paper...

Joe: How much would you have?

Moe: About a nickel.

Dear Advice Doctor,

I am a very calm person. I love my husband, but he has no chill button. Ever. He is wired all the time. Even when he is completely “relaxed” he is jiggling his foot 100 miles an hour. He’s got ants in his pants from the moment he wakes up in the morning until he falls asleep at night. It’s impossible for me to relax around him. What can I do?

— He Is Infecting Me

Dear He Is,

I am very glad you sent me this question. This is an important issue, one that should not be ignored. The most unfortunate aspect of this subjec t is that we happen to live in the part of the US where the nastiest type of ants live. The Southeastern US is prime real estate for fire ants. It’s bad enough to have them bite hands and feet; ants in the pants has to be the worst.

Protective Strategy #1: stay away from fire ant beds whenever you happen to see them. They deserve pre-emptive payback, but resist the urge to stir up their nest with a stick. If you mess with them at all, do it with ant poison, or call the bug man and let professionals handle the situation.

If an ant does get on you, it probably means you felt a bite. In that event, brush the offender and any of his friends off immediately, and do so with gloves, a towel, anything but your bare hand, since that might result in additional bites on your hand.

Wa sh the area right away with soap and cold water. Taking an oral antihistamine like Benadryl will help relieve the itch, and applying topical creams like hydrocortisone should help too. Ice packs can also help reduce pain and swelling. Even with every treatment available, it’s likely the bite will be an annoyance for a week or more. Do not pop the blisters (unless you want to prolong the misery

R ED ALERT: There are people who can experience severe allergic reactions to fire ant bites. A single bite could be fatal for some people. There have been cases here in the CSRA and elsewhere across the Southeast where a single (or multiple) bite(s) resulted in death.

If you are aware that you have such an allergy, an epi-pen should always be at hand. You never know when you might need to use it to save your life. Otherwise, call 9-1-1 at once. I hope I answered your question. In closing, congratulations for not letting cold feet interfere with your wedding plans. Do you have a question for The Advice Doctor about life, love, personal relationships, career, raising children, or any other important topic? Send it to News@AugustaRx.com. Replies will be provided only in the Examiner.

Why read the Medical Examiner: Reason #164