MEEKIE MONTHLY Issue 5
CEL
L! A I C E P YS EBRIT
June 2007
Read our exclusive interview with a Hollywood celebrity!
FREE OMEGA 66 TRACK WITH THIS ISSUE!! GIVE I T SOME HEAD
It’s as mad as a badger
FREE!
Editor’s welcome
meekiemonthly Contact details: meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk Editor: Royston Butterscotch
Dear readers, Well it’s good to be back. As you know, last month I was in hospital having penis reduction surgery. It was awfully embarrassing having to tuck it in my socks all the time. (blush) So it’s back to business– for those of you in the UK, summer’s here and for the lads and ladettes of the Northern Hemisphere, time to enjoy the sun. As for me– well, my family and I are off to West Wales for a few days– my surgically enhanced wife Brenda is getting my rubber ring ready for my...erm… visit to the pool. My young daughter Cindy has been busy buffing up her ‘Brazilian’ (some kind of nut I’m guessing) and young Timmy has been buying some top-shelf magazines to take with Editor him. Juggz Ahoy! Have a great June.
Cover girl: Holly from Walsall Find us at www.meekiemonthly.com and www.myspace.com/meekiemonthly
Meekie Monthly is a free subscription-based E-Magazine. To subscribe, email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk A small portion of our profit goes to Cancer Research
www.meekiemonthly.com
Royston
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 2
Contents In this month’s Meekie Monthly: 5. Interesting facts about horses 6. Celebrity Showdown 8. The BIG Interview– with a real life celebrity! 9. Letters page 13. The Lads’ Page– Tits and Beer. Wahay! 14. Agony Aunt– your problems solved 15. Rugby World Cup Preview– how to punch someone in the face 16. Page 16 20. A Flowchart Thing that says you’re lazy. 22. Fok knows 24. Have a look yourself onthly I read Meekie M re I watch 26. Siop Meekie Monthly every night befo lieve ney & Lacey I be ag C 28. Horoscopes thly is that Meekie Mon nd to 30. Sport great quality, seco
Issue 5
June 2007
WRITERS WANTED We’re looking for writers to write for our hallowed pages. You don’t need any experience– just the cheek to think that you’d be good enough. Go on back yourself– drop us a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
Comment
Say NO to the Severn Barrage Of all the fokkin sea in the world, you want to build a barrage on my fokkin doorstep to power the rest of the UK. You know where you can stick it
none.
A Pope, Italy
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 3 MEEKIE
For our new readers…. (both of them) …..
? e i k e e
m a s i t This is a drawing of a h a meekie by a wellW renowned artist Sigh! Do we really have to go through this every month?
For those of you who do not yet know, a meekie is a person with a very large head, usually through no fault of their own. There is nothing wrong with these people. Meekie Monthly aims to celebrate these amazing people and has been doing so since 1988.
This is a real-life photo of a meekie Meekie Fact: Meekies can be found the whole world over– even in places like Germany
Royston says: “For some meekies, having a headache can be a real headache. The pharmaceutical industry can overcome this by building bigger tablets to take”
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 4 MEEKIE
r e v e n u o y s g thin s e s r o h t u o b a new
101 k
of Terry. He was fed up d lle ca r ie ld so an Rom rt his rag and bone ca nted in 204 AD by a ll ve pu in e m er hi w lp s he se to or e H 1. hors ld War when they t, and invented the or io W ar d ch on n ec ow S s e hi th ng in pulli avily ade They were used he that one that they m s. g ar in w ud in cl in tly s, en ar . in w nd y om arou man ed pr horses have featur s have also started y, se or or st H . hi ns ut tio ho si ug po ro y 2. Th to arm height of 3000ft on a m fro d pe op dr e g. wer y anything interestin n horses and Italian sa ee r tw ve be ne e ey ad t. th m ou n hy te w ab of ains a film on is all brains which expl ands. This comparis sm gl ry ve ve lo e ve rg ha la s ry se ve or 3. H have e horses and they rand National, which al G m e e th th l, e al ar em ns th lio of al ce 4. St ted by the biggest ra e jockey getting up ci th large love glands. ex d ve ry an ha ve ey t so ck ge al jo K r U ho ei e w th , to men e in th n of horses falling on ed for racing. Peopl tio us di e tra ar d ol es e rs ag ho e e th ng es never do it again. ei rs 5. Som se ho y e jo th en d le an e op iv pe ct fe leg that they hop ef ts of e Lo on 0% . e ar 10 th ye is st t a ju en ce m ng on vi sh ld for ha e puni is he reed are renowned as a reprimand. Th B e d rs an ho hl e ig th H g rt tin ho oo S the and sh with 4 legs although rn bo e ar es rs ho t 6. Mos uist performance , oq ril nt ve g in . nd ta on ts ou around rses. has it that he rode e could fly, turn in an tionally worn by ho H nd . di ge se tra Le or e rh d. ar s de un fo oe on W sh en e se be po th ver 7. Hor the local paper for s. His body has ne e in the world is Zip ce rs in s an ho st s ew vi ou um re m rc d ci fa t ba us os d m rio ha r he myste 8. The was depressed afte He died in 1986 in e. he cl at cy th bi y a sa e e rid om en S ales. and ev es. h Point in South W as N at iff cl rses and other hors a ho f e of m X so n ee his BM tw be tion t that went wrong. flects the great varia re is Th t. or sh his ventriloquist ac ite tall and some are qu 9. Horses are quite paint a horse. 10. You can actually . 11. If ever wanted to MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 5 MEEKIE
Celebrity Showdown
V Barker Corbet
t
lot ade him a m e m a fr r sturdie
rker’s Looks: Ba chum. le than his litt
ly more cudd 8/10
duo, man of the y n n fu e idered th ry Often cons t: n le is legenda a t T n le ic ta m 10/10 ic o C oubted com d n u s r’ e Bark life. r his entire fo ir a h f o ll head tained a fu re r e rk a B 9/10 Hair: e Impressiv ie C, d to Ronn re a p m o c ll but asn’t that ta an w B ie n n o tall m 9/10 Height: R ry much a e v d e k o lo Barker
36/40
Looks: Ronnie C’s diminutive size belied the was a rampant fact that he sex god 9/10 Comic Talent: Corbett’s legen dary monologue couch remain to s on the this day, timeles s 9/10 Hair: Corbett st ill sports exactly the same hair th in the 1970s. S at he had plendid 10/10 Height: Legend has it that Ronn ie B met Ronnie wedding– Ronn C at a ie C was stood on the cake. Ho Corbett’s heigh wever, t only adds to h is appeal
Total:
8/10
36/40
Total:
It’s a draw! Hoorah! MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 6 MEEKIE
The Great Meekie Monthly Giveaway! As you may well have noticed, you’ve received a lovely MP3 of Cardiff superband, Omega 66, courtesy of your favourite E-mag, Meekie Monthly. Omega 66 reformed in June 2006, keeping two of the original members of Dark Chunk, who famously played at the Glastonbury Dance Tent in 2004. Your track has been exclusively mixed by renowned DJ, Angel Farringdon, and you can get the whole of Omega’s brand new album by visiting them at www.omega66.com or www.myspace.com/omega66. Omega’s guitarist Krik has also been exclusively interviewed on page 17! “are currently awaiting reviews of their debut album and recent live shows.
Don’t miss them on Radio One’s Annie Nightingale Show on 4th June.
If you have a band you’d like to promote through the beautiful pages of Meekie Monthly, please drop Royston a line at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 7 MEEKIE
The
BIG
Mee kie M onth Excl ly usiv e!
Interview This month, we’ve spoken to the beautiful Hollywood actress, famous for appearing in CSI, ER, Friends, Charmed, Joan of Arcadia and loads of other films including The Parent Trap and Inspector Gadget II. Elaine is a talented writer and musician in her own right, and tells us that she’s been to London and seen Big Ben and also seen the film My Fair Lady. We think she’s a bit crazy, but we love crazy women! Find Elaine at www.elainehendrix.com
What day is your bin day? Thursday
Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times
If you get in a taxi on your own, do you get into the front or the back? Back seat "Driving Miss Elaine" style
What did you have for tea last night? Astro Burger and fries to celebrate Memorial Day. Yeah baby!
Have you ever seen the film Groundhog Day? Multiple times, yes, multiple times What’s your favourite yellow crescent-shaped fruit? Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
In response to many reader enquiries– yes, these interviews are real!
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 8 MEEKIE
. . . . y l h t n o M e i k e e M Dear o s y a s e w s o c . . e g a p rs Your favourite lette
Egg-sploding Ethel me round last My mother-in-law Ethel ca her one of my week for tea and I cooked wards, I realised speciality omelettes. After te and my that the eggs were out of da hours later fears were confirmed a few e salmonella when she detonated an hug refurbished salvo in the pan of my newly bathroom. let and see a Now, every time I visit a toi er, I think of similar straw-coloured splatt of your readers my mother-in-law. Do any es that remind have any similar visual cu them of someone?
Train Trauma I am a train conductor and I’m sick of mothers getting on to my trains, with six or seven kids and with prams wider than a pickup truck. It’s my job to help these lazy women get their troop of clones on and off my train. I even had one woman tell me to learn some manners after I told here where she could stick her pram. Perhaps these women should learn to keep their legs closed instead?
TV Made My Son a
Superhero
Who says television doesn’t influence yo ung children? My 8 old son got bitten by year a spider last week an d now runs around Maesteg in a red su it saving people from burning buildings (which is quite comm on in Maesteg). Who says television turns children in monsters? My son is a hero! Les Gardner Maesteg I’ve enclosed a pic of him in his last heroic adventure
Andy Merthyr Tydfil
Colin Cupcake Colchester
Pointless Penguins
ogramme. BBC’s Planet Earth pr e th tch wa to wn do t in a d I sa ep warm by standing ke Last night, my wife an ey Th . on s uin ng th all the pe y all get a We watched the one wi the huddle so that the of de tsi ou the on go ns to huddle, taking it in tur le. dd nse to move mi turn in the warm haven’t they got the se y wh n the at, th do cheek to to e ss. And they’ve got the If they’ve got the sens ne ed nd mi yod blo t psih! Talk abou that dump pretty shar of t ou t somewhere warmer? ge d ul wo d bir Any sensible call themselves birds! David Kagool Saltash, Cornwall
Meek ie Mo nthly Wales UK World
Hi. My name’s Dan and I’m your new Spiderman. As you can see, I’m in a bit of a pickle right now. But with a bit of Spideymagic I’ll be out in no time– ready to fight crime wherever it happens….
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 9 MEEKIE
Back Issues
The Isle of Wight
Meekie Monthly Competition Time! Yes, here’s your chance to win your very own island! It’s got everything that you’ve ever wanted– beaches, some grass and even a regular boat service to the mainland. All you have to do to win this splendid prize, is answer this very easy Isle of Wight question: What is Cilla Black’s real name? Send your answers on a postcard (or in an email) to The_Precislla_White_Competition@meekiemonthly.com All entries must reach us by June 30th.
Stop press!
We’ve got lots of back issues of Meekie Monthly left. We’ve been doing Meekie Monthly since 1988, but we only launched the electronic version back in March 2007. We think you’ll find that we’re getting bigger and better every month. If you’ve missed out on the earlier issues, fear not– you can order them, free of charge, from us. I think we’re a bit too good to you, but then we think that in this day and age, you deserve something for free. All you need to do is email us at meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk, requesting which issue you want. We’ve got them all from March onwards. Think– they might be worth something in a few years’ time. Probably not though.
Due to an oversight by one of my family members, I do not in fact, own
the Isle of Wight and am therefore unable to offer it as a prize in this competition. I am very sorry for all distress caused and I will do my best to find a suitable alternative. Isle of Man any good anyone?
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 10 MEEKIE
Get noticed
Even in small business, image is everything Press releases · web page content · sales letters · newsletters · advertisements · advertorials · brochures · feature writing
www.beacon-media.co.uk
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 11 MEEKIE
Advertisement
Ginger Person of the Month Every month, Meekie Monthly celebrates those wonderful ginger people by interviewing them
Name: Rachelle Location: Ely, Cardiff Why I love being ginger: It's eye catching and certainly not boring. Out of a group, the redhead is the first one you spot! Also we're least likely to go grey! Having red hair feels special cos it's quite a rarity, and takes up something like 2% of the population, how cool is that?
I read Meekie Monthly before every fight. It gives me an edge over my opponents. Vladamir Nokabolokov
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 12 MEEKIE
ler !! l a b t o a fo w e i v r e We int l?
ootbal f g n i y la it like p s ’ t a h MM: W e nice t i u otball? q o f ’s t a I k : c n ki Dar re an you c r a f w MM: Ho r? ite far u Q : n ing ove l l a f Dar re e k li hat’s it W : M ur ts M its full h h y l l l l a a b e ot : It r en a fo h Dar ren w t r es it hu MM: Do ? e then c a f e h in t pends e d t I : Dar ren what? n O : it hits e MM c a f e : Whos Dar ren
g your n i t c e l l o Star t c s. We’ve d r a c p tr u m e first h t u o y n give ollect C ! e e r f r two fo month! y r e v e s your
e g a P ’ s d a The L
Meekie Monthly reader of the month– M add Carter from Au stralia
Top Fuel Dragster
Bad Ass Fiesta
Top Speed: 330+ mph Fuel: Nitromethane 0-100mph: Under 1 second 1/4 mile: 4.5 seconds
Top Speed: 42 mph Fuel: 4* Unleaded 0-100mph: It doesn’t but it’s got a fokkin massive exhaust on it
Balls * Bad Ass Cars * BO * Boobs MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 13 MEEKIE
Dear Briony….. Your embarrassing problems published to the world
I can’t get laid What is the best way to ensure that I get laid on my first date? I've spent so much money wining and dining women and I never get to the 69ing. It's become so bad that I've started turning up for the first date, saying "Hi" and then leaving again as nothing ever happens on the first date. Please help Trevor Lincoln Before you reach for the Roofies, Trevor, you might want to consider this statistic. Only 0.001% of people named Trevor have ever had sex. And those that did were doing farmyard animals. So go on down to your town hall and get your name changed by deed poll. (Tip: Kevins, Leslies and Kenneths are even less likely to get laid). Oh, Trevor? And this is just a thought, mind, you might want to stop thinking about dating as a capitalist transaction where the woman is just a provider of a service. That might be where you’re going wrong. I’m not sure women are very inclined to engage in orally-based sexual acts with men who think that saying “Come on love, I just spent fifty quid on that meal” while pushing her head towards his crotch is foreplay. Second thought, forget my advice about the name. Masturbating is probably the better option for you m’duck.
My daughter is an embarrassment Dear Briony My daughter has the most hugest head that the world has ever seen. Every time we go to Kwik Save, children stop and stare. Last Christmas, the Council even decorated it and made her stand outside the Town Hall for 7 weeks. However, she's now become depressed. She's become a recluse and all she does all day is sob on her (huge) pillow. What can I do? Sarah Newcastle I’ve got good news for you Sarah. Soon, you won’t have to shop at quick save any more. You’ll be able to ascend to the highest rung of the grocery ladder, Waitrose. Actually do they even have Waitrose in Newcastle? Probably not. You’re probably at the pinnacle of shopping excellence already, aren’t you? Scrap that. My point was that you are sitting on a goldmine. Guinness will probably pay you a million pounds a day to feature your daughter’s head within it’s esteemed pages. You could get hats made especially for her. What more does she want? You need to teach her about life: you play the hand (or head) you’re dealt
The Impotence o f being Ernest
Dear Briony My husband Erne st recently com e home from the impotent. The fa doctors and told ct of the matter me that he was is, he's not impo take our next do tent- he's just a or neighbour Col ro ad digger. Now in– he’s very im and sings solo in potent- he's on the local church the local Counc choir. How can that he's not as il I break the news impotent as he thinks he is? to my husband Sally Bath I know for a fact Colin is not only impotent, but he’s man can’t, you kn important too. Im ow, ahem, do the portance is when special thing that cases other men a men do to women ). Importance is a (and in some real problem for m to 50 or so, and yo en of a certain age. u see them driving Once they get their little penis sh Morrison’s, swollen aped cars down with their own im th e local po taking place. Anyw tence, you just kn ow there’s no othe ay, about your hu sband. W hat’s to r “swelling” cookie like you fo say he isn’t impo r a wife? tent, with a smar t MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 14 MEEKIE
Rugby World Cup Preview Striking your opponent full in the face is illegal in most rugby games these days. However, it does still make for exciting viewing and always goes down a treat with the lads down the pub. Have fun!
You startin’…?
Step One:
Pick an opponent
Preferably someone smaller than you and on his own. The last thing you want is his bigger mate wading in.
Step Two: Start an argument This can be for any reason whatsoever. This chap on the left has singled out his target and is going over to punch the little fellow firmly on the nose.
Step Three:
Deliver your blow
Strike your opponent firmly on the hooter.
Step Four:
Make your escape
Leave the scene of the crime immediately. Ensure that your escape route is not blocked by an larger opposing player, referee or policeman.
Have a bunch of fives you little rotter you
Mfmfmfmsdsjhfdfdfd!
In a new series, Meekie Monthly counts down to the Rugby World Cup this September by looking at the various tactics used by the world’s teams. This month we look at the art of punching your opponent
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 15 MEEKIE
ORRITE? Issue 1
June 2007 EXCLUSIVE!
RIKKI GALLUP SITS ON HER SETTEE AND WATCHES HOLBY CITY
Holby Heaven Celebrity Rikki Gallup puts her feet up and relaxes with an exciting episode of the BBC’s flagship medical drama. For celebrity Rikki Gallup, settling down to watch an episode of ‘Holbs’ is a lifechanging experience. “I always have a cup of tea and some Hob Nobs. “I like the drama in Holby City. There’s always someone falling over and hurting themselves and it’s amazing how these actors, who you often see in other programmes, manage to save people’s lives. Take Nigel from Eastenders for instance. He’s done ever so well to become a consultant. He was always thick as shit in Eastenders”. But life isn’t all about Holby City for Rikki.
“Sometimes I’ll pop to the shops in the day. Most of them are open 9-6 and it’s nice to have them open all day. It gives the shopper nine hours to select their sundry goods”. Rikki’s favourite shop is Gregg’s, the bakers. “They do a lovely chocolate flake cake there. They even put a small section of a Flake bar on the top and it’s nice with another cup of tea”. Rikki hopes to become even more famous this year. “I hope to become even more famous this year” she says.
Above; Rikki relaxes and watches her favourite medical drama Below: Rikki poses outside her small detached house just outside Gatwick Airport
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 16 MEEKIE
ORRITE? Issue 1
June 2007
EXCLUSIVE!
Omega 66’s Krik is famous for strumming in public. And also for driving quite fast
“If it wasn’t for my tortoise I wouldn’t be here today” Krik opens his heart to Meekie Monthly about his music, his sniffing and his coming to terms with his SP30
As Welsh celebrities go, Krik (he only has the one name in honour of his childhood superhero Superted), is one of the most famous. In some countries, he is even more famous than that bloke out of Def Leppard. You knowthe one with one arm. I think he might have died. Him anyway. But there’s more to Krik than just plucking the strings of love: “I sometimes like going to Kwik Save and sniff things. I can spend hours in the fabric conditioner aisle. I just love smelling things– herbs, spices, fabric conditioners, washing powders, marker pens– anything that reminds me of my childhood basically”. Krik’s certainly come a long way since those days and now lives in a 14 bedroom flat in the trendy area of Cardiff known as Grangetown, with his 17 dogs and a tortoise called Sid. But living in the fast lane has taken its toll on the South Wales rocker. “I got caught driving my Fiat Uno through town at 140mph. I was only trying to clear my carburettor. I was flashed by a camera. A copper then pulled me over and told me that he’d been waiting for me, so I told him that I got there as fast as I could”.
Above: Krik singing Below: A recent picture (picture courtesy of South Wales Speed Enforcement (Speed camera) Department)
Krik was fined £60 and had three points put on his licence. “Coming through driving rehab was hell but I got there in the end thanks to my dogs and tortoise”
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 17 MEEKIE
Advertise here for as little as ÂŁ20
per month. Meekie Monthly is a fast growing E-Magazine with its roots in South Wales but with a global readership base.You can be part of this growing phenomenon by advertising on our hallowed pages. Just ÂŁ20 will buy you a full page advert in glorious technicolour, street cred and exposure to new clients. Email meekiemonthly@yahoo.co.uk
You?
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE
th a i w n o i t a s r e v n Co
By Josie Henley
Machine
1911966 , let’s see. 0870 s One Josie: Right then eries, please pres qu ion at rv se re r aveldodge, fo you for calling Tr Machine: ThankJosie: One ections, Machine: For dir
o please press Tw
Josie: One, one
reception rred to the lodge fe ns tra be l u’l e hold and yo other calls, pleas Machine: For all 6 ain. 0870191196 ’ sake! Ok, try ag ds go r fo h O e: Josi aveldodge… you for calling Tr kan Th : ne hi ac M n you. Josie: One, dam
in access to g to me, you’ll ga kin ea sp By e. of Traveldodg a. I’m the voice our website. Machine: I’m Lis vi ally available a rm no s te ra st our be es now. giving them nam ’re ey th d, go od Josie: Lisa? Go Alys: W hat?
nt to stay? dge where you wa do el av Tr e th of e u know the nam Machine: Do yo lled Lisa. the machine is ca Josie: It’s Lisa, odge where you me of the Traveld na e th ow kn u . Do yo I didn’t catch that Lisa: I’m sorry, want to stay? Josie: W embley Alys: W hat? Lisa
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Do you know the name of the Traveldodge where you want to stay? Josie: WEMBLEY Alys: Lisa Wembly? Lisa: So you’d like to stay in Traveldodge Wembley Hotel. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: When will you be arriving? Josie: Tuesday the eighteenth of April. Lisa: Staying for how many nights? Josie: Three. Lisa: Ok. You’d like to arrive on Tuesday the eighteenth of April and stay for three nights. Is that right? Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great. Now tell me how many adults will be staying. Josie: Two. Lisa: And how many children aged fifteen and under will be staying? Josie: One. Lisa: And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?
who?
u dodge where yo me of the Travel na e th ow kn u . Do yo didn’t catch that Lisa: I’m sorry, I want to stay?
Josie: Non-smoking.
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 18 MEEKIE
room at on-smoking n a k o o b one child, ant to adults and t! So you w o a e tw re r G fo : l, a te is L Ho tay for thre of April to s e W embley Traveldodg esday the eighteenth Tu arriving on at right? th Is . nights Josie: Yes.
ty… ck availabili while I che
ment t, just a mo Lisa: Grea bility. cking availa e ch ’s e h S Josie:
dge W emin Traveldo odge ty ili b ila va is no a in Traveld orry, there es available t miles from c a sp Lisa: I’m s e ar oint-eigh but there bley Hotel, Royal, which is zero-p te at an additional rk ing on si red London Pa here is park king will be one-hund T . e ic o h c oo b is th ? your first of this e total cost like to book charge. Th would you , s d n ou p ve and sixty fi at? Josie: W h ds a night ty-six poun
Alys: W hat? Josie: She’s gone . Alys: Try again.
site! on the web
it said twen ook Josie: But ou like to b at. W ould y th h tc a c ’t rry, I didn Lisa: I’m so this room? oesn’t inds, which d n u o p e fiv sixty ndred and Josie: A hu ing. ark k clude car p u like to boo t. W ould yo a th h tc a c ’t orry, I didn Lisa: I’m s this room? nds a night! nty-six pou e tw id a s it Alys: But id. t’s what I sa k Josie: Tha u like to boo t. W ould yo a th h tc a c ’t orry, I didn Lisa: I’m s
Try for two nights.
Josie: Ok. 087019 11966 Machine: Thank-
Alys: Ok.
Alys: W hat?
Lisa: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. I’m having technic speak to a call re al difficulties. If yo presentative, our u wish to lines are open be any day of the we tween eight am an ek. Alternatively d eight pm you could try our website. Goodbye . Josie: Oh for fok’s sake!
you for…
Josie: One Machine: I’m Lis a. I’m the voice of Traveldodge. By access to our be speaking to me, yo st rates normally u’ll gain available via our name of the Trav website. Do you eldodge where yo know the u want to stay? Josie: W EMBLEY Lisa: So you’d lik e to
stay in Traveldodg
e W embley Hotel . Is that right? Josie: Yes… Tu esday the eightee nth of April…Two… smoking. Yes… Two… On e…
NonLisa: Great! So yo u want to book a non-smoking room Hotel, for two adul at Traveldodge W ts and one child, embley arriving on Tuesda stay for two night y the eighteenth of s. Is that right? April to Josie: Yes. Lisa: Great, just a mom Josie: She’s chec
ent while I check availability…
king availability.
Continued next month……..
How lazy are you? Let Meekie Monthly decide whether you’re a lazy arse START HERE Do you ever get out of bed late?
yes
Would you stay there all day?
Would you try and work the food off?
Would you order in pizza, two kebabs no and a bottle of coke?
yes
no no
yes You’re a liar. You’re also a lazy arse.
yes
Are you overweight?
no Please go to the next square no matter how you got here
yes
no You are in danger of exploding. Please consult a vet
yes
no yes
Lazy arse
yes
Do you maintain regular bowel movements?
Is that pizza going to work itself off? no no
no Only to get some more pizza
no
Would this be by getting out of bed to turn the TV over?
yes
Would you use a skateboard to take you across the room?
yes
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 20
CELEBRIT Y UPDATE
Josie: W EM
BLEY
Alys: Lisa W em
bley?
Lisa: So you’ d like to st Josie: Yes.
Lisa: W hen will yo Josie: Tuesd
B
ill y Sian H
se the goss on the mes All the scandal all today!!!
u be arriving
ay the eight
Lisa: Staying for
ay in Traveld
ley Hotel. Is
that right?
?
eenth of Apr
how many n
odge W emb
il.
ights?
d up stars of
d the town. I personally fin nd ou ar ers pp sla of d with all sorts ange, and fanbit of ‘rough’ for a ch d he is getting snstappe a An . nts am wa illi he W e e yb inc Pr Ma . ry king e sticking out of ve into the 21 centu le bit of kebab lettuc s split up with future mo litt ha a ily on th m let wi Fa l idd ne ya M eo te Ro m e Ka so So should come and time th sh ‘ladies’. I think he through their blood, and think it’s about g po al, e nin ric os run th ste r all hy sta by ing ite d th wh de e’ ing round un whole bird hunt, I’ll be danc ore ‘ buy one get 2 fre ly boring for him surro er m rib op bit ter pr a a be th t wi for us m ne wn , eo do him m tional! me cies so lane! You cant blame u like, cigarette is op you do decide to co yo ie if , if ipp ills ch me W m in So Jo fro . d! sh er bir fre oth al their teeth, , and find a re , bottle of Bud in the that he’s newly single it kebab in one hand sh g Do ! tfit ou down to Cardiff now es rs rth of life bar, in a nu the lamppost , just no
King Kebab
ntly the singers gle together! Appare sin a g din talked or rec for are in talks 50 cent has openly . nt are Ce sh 50 y d the an s s ug m dr illia ht by 3 armed re’s their love of eady! Robbie W last week he got caug eue for the single alr is endless! I mean the ly t qu lis on in e t ie; th Ge bb ! e, Ro tru joy e e’s bly th er da th Oh eir ‘hard n rstan veral times. And the ! And then there’s th se ips n to talk about! Unde ms ted mo Le m res co th ar in ng en re lot be St a g tra ve ha havin o spent most d Ex al drugs in the past, d there’s Robbie wh s of paracetamol an on ck An ati pa ry. 2 cre tte t re ou r ba d fo gle e an s ug lov ed! Perence to sm of his me out and he chok d bars for firearm off rity guards for trying ca hin s cu er be se ’ e ath ist tim fe e em g th ch din if e en th ars – ‘Boots rd time, sp have got 3 ye cent clearly had a ha Gary Barlow! He could th wi s ht fig low knock’ childhoods. 50 pil g dungarees on, havin of it in that band with hear the single! sonally I can’t wait to s are rusoon, and some song um alb w ne rs a ea g B sin Shitney ing to be relea a shave 4 u’, and Princess of Pop is go one more time’, ‘I’m the by y, ba all me Fin ! p ro dio ‘D stu es ing me of the song titl is back in the record I can’t wait to hear so And Britney Spears n’. ow kd ea ‘br nt ce on her re se from. moured to be based a few she could choo t jus g in be ’ ! ain ag ‘Oops I’ve lost it MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 21
Druggie Duo
Y T I R B E L CE UPDATE
MEEKIE MONTHLY WEB DIRECTORY Continued
This is a web directory of Meekie Monthly readers and friends. It’s free to add your website on here but we can’t accept responsibility for the sites and their contents. GAMING
de Backside Statesi
ncy, as the during her pregna ica er Am in g in e Girl, says her mum arriv recognisable Spic un e Th . ht ig Mel B has blamed we reaction to piled on so much ast dinners. Her ro r he g in ed fe reason she has by rsonally, I up, iss my ass!’. Pe en fattening her ‘K be – s en ha be um y m pl r m he s si out her weight ha ace on it! her piss-takers ab uld write the whole of W ar and Pe co I if was gonna ask
Golfing Goon
of golf in Scotto have a round ed cid de d an id to be a arrived in the UK oped all over. Sa gr d an ns fa Justin Timberlake by n of his ed he was bombard sed for the duratio ea cr in en be s ha land. Apparently m Jones rity ly equivalent to To Timberlake’s secu , ab up ob pr en ak it’s , sh ic tle bl lit had a pu ngos! I heard he e golf course was Bi th le st as g Ca in n ee ow S . ry ned ve stay lav in one of our and out right flatte e th se e ur us co to xt ne up e g turnin was on th a Curly Wurly ichelle McManus d discarded half ha he d ar lucky escape. M he e guards, when sh 2 of his security zer! and a bottle of Ti
hrob Halitosis HeartT
th, after spotlight this mon e th r de un e m has co . Seems Mr r Tom Jones, he ession this week pr de so r he And talking of Si t ou ab W elsh stud has al t to talk e ou th d d pe an ep it, st of s h ha uc his wife ctor of m he has slept g hands was a fa amount of women e th of t un Jones’s wanderin co st into bottles st that he has lo elsh rhythm stick’ ‘W s hi p di to admitted in the pa ed aque st told how he lik remove a little pl to ed ed ne he s with. One conque rhap g foreplay ! – Pe of Listerine durin wwwww! Ew ! to the wife ck ba g in go re befo
www.bf2-uke.co.uk
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE REPAIRS AND TACKLE BAGS www.rubberylegs.com
MUSIC PROMOTION www.tantrum.co.uk
PR www.beacon-media.co.uk
PUBLICATIONS www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk
RUGBY www.rugbyrebels.com
WHAT’S ON www.urbantraffic.co.uk
WOMEN’S ACCESSORIES www.funkandfashion.co.uk
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 22
? t e g u o y o d y r g n a How
Are you as cool as a cucumber or do you need to visit an anger management class? Let Meekie Monthly diagnose you with this fab quiz!
hen you open w s e ak fl rn o C e som e downstairs for n o g nd a p u en ok gone. Do you? s ha 1. You've just w ilk m op to Kwik Save? e p th to ll y a t ad a re th at d n co fi ur rself. the fridge door to closing the door and putting on yo ing very loudly to you ng hi g ly si ow cabbage at a pass e f sl av , of ly S nt ne ik w go K t a to th g ng a) sigh ge win mpi door shut and sto e floor, before thro e th g o id nt fr o e d th o fo am e sl th ll b) ut a ff the fridge, pull o o r oo d e th ip R c) not allowing you d an ly w lo s ry g ve car? t of you, pedallin n o fr in t ou ls ul ist p ork when a cycl w to g in iv dr e 'r 2. You you? ss to overtake. Do for a clearing to pa ly nt tie r? pa verse to make e g re ov tin g l ai in ul p w ct , le to ly se nt m e re ge th o ing t, bef a) sigh tration and gestur ht over the cyclis us ig fr ra in st n g or in h iv dr ur , yo or elerat b) toot ount. n hard on the acc w do ot s helmet and rem fo r hi u t yo us dj a re c) slam to e sn't have tim ig wabbers. Do b oe h d t it is w cl d ir cy b e e th t m a d so sure th you and employe ed ck sa as h ss ur bo rk to find that yo r? o w to t e g u Yo 3. ay back to the ca e w ur yo ng ki a m ur way back to th yo k and g es n d ki r a u m yo nd a om ? k fr u f yo ur des ur stuf your stuff from yo fore gathering yo g be in , er ly h nt at g ge re gh fo si a) be ole, be ou don't have to "Y that he's an arseh is ss h r bo e ur ov yo ng ll ki Te b) d knoc of the window an t ou m hi g in w ro r? ca s, th hard in the bollock ss bo ur l. yo ot o B c) you? s" sign off the wal lp he it ut b on your car. Do t e ke er c h ti rk a o t u w p to st mad has ju a traffic warden at th d fin ou y , es? back to your car at least ten minut r fo g 4. When you get tin a lf? tr se ns ur o m yo re en and putting to rd nd ng a a ri w u te fic yo ut t af m tr ke , e tly tic th en to g up ion ck a) Sigh arden on his decis stopping only to pi w g, c in ffi a rs tr ve e re th e re fo ng feet be b) Challe e forwards for 10 iv dr , up r ca e th c) Start ith the cyclist? him in the boot w MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 24 MEEKIE
ugh put his football thro s ha p am sc g un yo me me and notice that so ho at ck ba e riv ar u r his 5. Yo young whippersnappe e you? th o D ing w. nd do ha in d w t an s on as fr en gl your way through the brok ur yo g kin pic ly, nt ge a) sigh ball back? kid up by his ears and eet with a broom? e th str g e in th ck up pi , d ki de e si th in e g in head b) chas other window, before e th h ug ro th kid e th c) boot out his football. taking him home- with e of watching an episod by lf se ur yo be rt fo m y's episode will now few beers to co a da to ith w at n th w ng do An angry ma ni e ea ttl m se , 6. You n yesterday t has run over ke ic cr e th ly, te na tu or nf U n. w do Count . Do you? Judy? shown at a later date to watch Richard and er ov g in rn tu ly, nt ge o are too slow to ? wh s fa a) sigh er so ay ur pl yo y an on rd wn ha do g owin ntrol down the cricket field and m to b) slam your remote co on ht ig ra st r ca ur 's, taking yo c) drive down to Lord vilion? meone they met so make it back to the pa ith w p hi ns tio la re exual in favour of a homos u, yo ft le s ha er rtn , your pa 7. When you get back us debauchery? io ic pl yesterday. Do you? du eir th in le bb ral hours earlier? to da ve em se th ft g le in ct fa low al in ly, ve nt ha they a) sigh ge , before realising that er rtn pa ur yo at y dl lou b) shout of what to do next? re su un , ily gr an ry ve day as he's gone to to c) Growl on the spot en op to t no d de s deci ips, but Mr Wong ha ch of g ba a ith w lf fort yourse 8. You decide to com s? you? me for some cornflake ho g in ad he d an r watch the cricket. Do ca your self, getting back into and a) sigh gently to your get into your back seat n quite fast? f ca of u g yo in as nn s ru ip re ch fo y be man b) Smash his window , helping yourself to as ow lk Talk? nd wi s g' on W r M h ug famous in 1982 by Ta e ad m bo m co at c) Drive your car thro be r la "It's My Life!", the popu e driving home singing d you wouldn’t notic an f of ll fa ld ou w ad ur he u in the slightest. Yo on yo s er th bo g in th No or a non-angry pers ly on rs pe Mostly As– y gr an rly la agement immediate rticu an pa m r a ge er an ith e ne m re so u’ r fo Yo nge Mostly Bs– suggest that you arra I . al im an an re u’ Yo Mostly Cs–
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 25 MEEKIE
Meekie Monthly
GIVE IT SOME HEAD
Siop Meekie Monthly
To order your exclusive Meekie Monthly T-shirt, simply fill in your name and address, cut out this section and post if to us with a cheque for £10 (plus P&P) Name………………………………………. I live at………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………….
Meekie Stuff e Buy your meeki
s stuff here chum
Please send me ….. Meekie Monthly T-shirts so that I can go down the pub and pull like I’ve never pulled before. Tidylike
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 26 MEEKIE
ADVERTISEMENT
THE MAGAZINE FOR MEN IN WALES www.redhandedmagazine.co.uk
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28 MEEKIE
s e p o c s o r Ho
with Enog
ARIES s"). 't it? (Reader: "Yes it ha sn Mar 21 - Apr 20 Ha it? 't fantastic sn Ha u. yo it's been for you do will become a ng nth thi mo ery g rin Ev bo u. a yo t ha for W month on. Sorry, I've been mises to be a stunning In fact, there....oh hang u. yo h wit Never mind. June pro ep sle to nt you meet will wa success and everyone ke. Sorry about that. reading Leo's by mista TAURUS u when you get moving away from yo d rte sta 21 y ve ha Ma le 21 op r pe t Ap y tha re you. Your your legs closed if I we nder. Have you recentl wo ep e ke r vin tte bo e Be . Th off s. ye ing Ah you're giv be the smell of Bovril Hird. close to them? That's g a field of cows- Thora stin fro de to ed lat re me breath smells. Lucky na GEMINI Eurovision ones that went into the the re we y the nk thi I May 22 - Jun 22 ste of s. Gemini. A complete wa band called Gemini. Ye p nth po mo p s thi cra a up re u yo the n't ms Was t about su Nil Pwar. W ell that jus Song Contest and got st- 18th June. nte co a song ing ter en for y da ky luc space. Un CANCER u seem to ste. It's not wonder yo pa b ra ...c rm ..e e.. lik June 23 - July 23 d an aroma n't help. W hy shells, soft centres an bs sideways also does clu of t ou d an The crab people. Hard in lk wa you nights. s month. The fact that your fish tank- Friday t ou ing have lost your mojo thi an cle for y da rmal people? Lucky can't you just be like no LEO s and me a fantastic succes co be l wil 23 do g u Au yo ng 24 ur life. erythi July ing month for you. Ev tter month for you in yo nn be stu a a en be be to 't s sn se ha mi re June pro u. In fact, the ll want to sleep with yo everyone you meet wi don't you Leo? But you do deserve it, VIRGO June in l be spending most of u'l yo so 23 u, p yo Se for t 24 lef g Au isn't much room give yourself use this month, there out into the garden to ff stu e qu rbe ba e With Jupiter in your ho th er to move the spiders. Rememb the garden shed with pointy stick. the rats out with a big more room, and keep
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 28
s e p o c s o Hor
with Enog
orry too much over. Not to w l al s le ca s orist/ nightmare terr velop fish-like LIBRA a de ll to u' in s yo rn s a tu h 23 ue this mont e on the 17th swimming Sept 24 - Oct terally quite tr y to the local p at Kwik Sav a o Li w sh s. ir le A e a . th th sc on e on . who were em every m The sign of th after the SBS e same probl e th lif s left in it. ur ha s yo ce ith is pe w e baking tray ca th es though. P u ith w yo e nd on a scenario, behind- the trolley to hide hostage-taking y ck Lu t. ou y to help baths, stop b ways eir genitals al th nd a t is o m to avoid hs are always SCORPIO u last month yo ht. Their thig ld ig to 22 ra e v st o W le N o. op Oct 24 then Scorpi turn gay pe right. . Serves you ap this month So sexy, they cl lid . e e io ey th rp t ir o co e g S th ve n xy Se ame you' se and wart o for action. Sh ith the big no w ne o e h primed ready T b. wn the local pu that munter do on nd get started a ne Ju f of te S you, I'd wri SAGITTARIU fact, if I were In s. 21 riu a c itt e D ag Nov 23 is month S shout about th to ch u m g n Nothi early. July a month me days in . There'll be so s ay d d ba e an the days and som be badder th od ill w go t e CAPRICORN a m th so ys e 20 and some da ne. There'll b Dec 22 - Jan the bad days d month in Ju an rie th va r a tte ct be e n exp u with. ays that are Capricorns ca iting to ply yo at are more d c th ex s g ay in d h e yt m so d to think of an between and can't be arse I l, al in ll A better days. AQUARIUS 19 Jan 21 - Feb you too. r That goes fo pin the Argos and Pip om fr t se y tr is ade-up iniature chem spouting off m PISCES te my son's m go a e to H n . io lk at a w in 20 nor the incl g needs his Feb 20 - Mar ither the time, ng late, the do ne tti e e g av s h it' I ll, o e y house. S As for you. W ting all over m ar sh en them anyway. be any notice of Spaniel has e k ta t n' do you. You horoscopes to
MEEKIEMONTHLY Page 29
Sport Due to the end of the sporting season, we are unable to bring you any sports stories of any kind. We can tell you though that we will be back in September, when people all over the world start playing sport again.
MEEKIEMONTHLY MEEKIE Page 30