By Merve Akdogan (they/them) *mercy*
Building “the look” and destroying the gender binaries while queer-ing the archive
What other information can refer to gender other than sexuality, pleasure? What kind of signs/ signals/ symbols to reflect one’s identity?
How we live/ can not live/ forced to live our identity in our physical existence?
Is it possible to think our bodily presence as an uncontrolled way of archiving?
Whichspace?situations affects the perception of image of one’s ?
Leading questions of the research
How to overcome the public trauma?
How we are maintaining the ownership of our personal archives?
How we perform our gender in a political position using our body as a safe
What kind of traces remain when our life ends especially considering the erasures of the archives? How we perform in a world of coexistence and which traces we left behind to our communities?
The system takes on the pain, which then cures it.
The flesh is an adaptation and a never-ending transformation, a canvas on which you may portray how you desire to inhabit.
*mercy
When the skin we are in crosses over with other skins, we converge into a single shell. All at once, quite tough and resilient.//////
The creature grows instead of erasing the information.
//////There are many selves Experienced through a piece of flesh. Soul is a mirror. And there are locations where one may live out their fantasies. I don’t care about the politics, I guess…
Always in the middle!
Through telling provocative, performative, fugitive, intimate, and communi ty-based stories, people would be able to overcome institutional restrictions and especially archival erasures.
Itedge.isquite
Examining and understanding queer symbolism/ bodily modifications/ creat ing an image to reflect identity and how people are creating personal archives using their bodies as a performative tool could be a good approach to start this practice.
Thesis / Purpose
Achieving a constructive self-consciousness without the archive's political con trol requires acknowledging and performing the existence of oneself and one's community in archives and looking for a way to turn this insight into a strategy of information collecting that promotes coexistence. The only living archive without any means of control would be one’s body and the information collected by the multisensory experiences and traces that are coming from this embodied knowl
unfair for a community that has been reduced to body scale in order to live out their identity, particularly for one that has experienced long-term op pression as a result of the expressions of their identity. This research aims to pro vide and display embodied knowledge that could carry a value-driven lifestyle enhancement in society but cannot be preserved using conventional archiving formats to fill in the gaps in the archives and give the silences a voice.
1.Kubra Uzun 2.Lena I am also the subject of this work since I am included in this Thecommunity.storiesare real. The people are real. The research is real.
Participants are selected from researcher's "safe" space to bring that space exactly as it is to display.
As7.Mercy6.Syntia5.Yumi4.Kiki3.ROSTSansGGNashMisuto(me)aresearcher,
Using body as a performative, safe queer space to critique and highlight systematic erasures and failures rather than seeing it as a source of pleasure and gender. Only the "owner" of the "body" must make the decision for it to be ob jectified or displayed as a sex or pleasure object. We "own" our body, we "own" our safe space.
Project is conducted with numerous gender non conforming people from Turkey. Big thanks to;
Potential deliverable mediums from participant: a poem, a sketch, a portrait photo, a story, a mindmap, keywords, audio, an existing project.
Any media related to the format/ later arranged-curated and visualized by researcher in a collaborative way.
How do you manage to survive in your own skin?
How do you think people experience you with the look you created?
How you challenge the society with the look you create?
How do you create your look?
Questions asked to the participants during the conversations:
What influences you the most?
How do you visualize/decorate yourself in the most comfortable state, free from any restrictions or limits imposed by your surroundings?
How you live with others?
How do you want others to see you and/or how do you now present yourself to the world?
It may be a scar, a tattoo, jewelry, branding, makeup, mask or even a daily medicine you take.
Which signs, symbols, objects, accessories or imagery do you carry with you on your body as a part of who you are, how you survive, how you resist, how you change?
What qualities would you desire to develop while coexisting with your environment without any judgement?
IG : @qubra_uzun
Contact with her directly for possible collaborations, art projects etc.
This game’s a crack-up-cherry-on-top Queers would roll in ‘cause this is not hard And all masc tops will join us Averages, pinkies, and Big Willies at last
Gurls, now listen and be all ears Do not overgag yourself please So blissfully, evergreenly Go find yourself a fuckbuddy
My sweet Berna’s on the way with packed up börek trays. As for me, I thought it’d be good to pop a cocoa cake with nuts. I messed up, inviting Jüliyet and Sipsi on the same day, I but wonder how are they going to behave.
With water warm douche yourself up right Let all Şişli girls join us tonight And then let’s go, and off we go to have a stroll But don’t make fuzz spot any hoe
Did you enjoy my Canon overall And if you want I’ll make it go once more And more, and more, and more I’l make it goAnyway, we’ve got through safe and sound today. Let’s see what will happen next time.
In her featured project, Kübra Uzun explores a few selves from many selves and provides a playground for those various selves in a tea time scene at her home. The “look” is constantly changing and evolving, with the old and new selves coexisting at times amicably and at other times in a sweetly antagonistic way. Her life’s light actu ally comes from those various selves, and by remaining open to each one as it enters, she succeeds in becoming the community’s everlasting light.
To share her lifetime experiences for the 1582th time, Kübra invites her good old friends Madam Sipsi, Dikiz Jülyet and Butch Berna for an afternoon tea at hers. Today’s menu of cakes, beureks and pumpkin desserts is almost ready. Having popped two Xanax instead of one last night, Madam Sipsi is ought to be off to Nişantaşı to teach music lesson right after the hastily done visit; however, upon learning that Dikiz Jüliyet, an eternal cross state of which puzzled the former, is coming to the tea as well, Madam Sipsi overpanicked and threw her sewing kit [1]instead of solfege book into her bag before coming. Dikiz Jülyet is in a fume as usual. Perfectly managing three love affairs at once, the hysterious Jülyet always keeps her eyes, conjoined to binocu lars, outside - even in the living room. Struggling to have Jülyet and Madam Sipsi get a grip of what she tells, Kübra also invited Berna, with whom she used to be on the same highschool basketball team and who got into the present so-called team the most recently. But Berna’s mind’s taken up by her belly still not being melted up enough and the 32-year-old memory of disqualifica tion from the boxing match due to failing her drug test. As a host, Kübra succeeds in keeping this group in balance - one way or another.
Kübra Uzun
Butch Berna
Having failed a drug test on the European Junior Heavyweight Boxing Championship and thus disqualified after the semi-final, Berna was not around for years. Kübra was on the same basketball team with Berna in highschool and was her company during Berna’s social hermitage, not withholding helping hand. In order to spend more time with Berna, who goes to the kitchen and rolls dough when recalling her ended sports career and who is ca pable of making five pots of food in as short as one hour, Kübra bought two indoor bikes. One of the bikes is at Berna’s, the other is at Kübra’s living room for Berna to spend her time rolling pedals and participating in chats. Berna, socializing only by doing sports, gets to know the other girls during their collective visit to Kübra.
Having worn three husbands out and promising herself to not marry again and only flirt with the young lads, Dikiz Jülyet lost her eyelashes due to squeezing her inseparable binoculars onto her eyes. Claiming that her eyelash lessness gives her an androgynyous look the young men fall for, Juliyet taught Madame Sipsi to stick fake eyelashes in one above and one below way since the latter wouldn’t stop shade-complimenting Sipsi’s eyelashes. One of the fetishes of a hysterical fashion icon Jülyet, a.k.a. Peep, a.k.a. Juliet the Panther in her circle, loves to have a share of each of her friend’s darkest secrets. Thus, no friend of hers would come to Jülyet for fear of being exposed.
Dikiz Jülyet
Notre Dame de Sion graduate Madam Sipsi alleges sharing the same name with a famous French pianist. Being able to play sole ly scale and root chords, Madam Sipsi is always told that no such pianist actually exists - though Kübra, Berna and her other friends you will get to know to ony by one manage to play pretend in this case. Trying her best at living with her father’s heirloom piano, sewing kit, wools and tranquilizer pills, Madam Sipsi’s spirits are usually high and if low then it is only now and then. She is not fond of sharing her opinions. If in a low mood, her eye twitches and she manages to finish her knitting with unbelievable speed. In one of her visits, Kübra recalls seeing Madam Sipsi in up spirits illuminating right from the door and by entering the living room she started playing Beethoven’s famous Für Elise right away. Recalling this, Kübra failed to convince Dikiz Jülyet of its truthfulness.
Madam Sipsi
*ALAN 2020 - ALAN 2020, the anthem of the Istanbul Pride Walk, features Kübra Uzun in overlapping images from
the song’s #representation #embodiment #transnational#fiction
song’s music video. #joy
#transnational#solidarity #abundance
Lena is a truly brilliant transvestite who is globally mobile, multidimensional, multidisciplinary, and placeless.
She is gifted in a variety of fields, including poetry, applied arts, architecture, and creative writing. She also possesses a number of superpowers in the spiritual realm. (She’s a witch, Sheduh!)recently launched the “stream of birth” podcast initiative on SheSpotify.interviews
her loved ones while telling her story: Get in touch with her for support, queries, and potential partnership possibilities; IG : Website:TikTok:@lanaissances@lanaissanceslanaissance.work
*interviewhurts.”with lena sans on 8/7/22
“I learned to feel my body in different scales and parts. Each part is a scale on its own and have scales in itself. The traces my body has is collection of everything, the things that I am, the things that I have to be, the things that I dont know. Im tired of the traces I try to leave and everything else leaves on me. I get confused but I learned to objectify my body and its parts to a scale that I disown my body and see it as an outcome of circumstances that I yearn to control. On this scale my body is someone that I desire to have. My body is someone that Im madly in love but i cannot have them. Im so toxic that I want them to be mine and only mine. Im such a toxic lover that I hate them because they do not give themselves to me. Im so angry that I hurt them, because they care about anyone else other than me. I want them to be mine so hard that I try morph them into someone that can be mine. I make them listen to me and obey me although they have no control over who they listen or obey. Im hurt. I hate it when love
*interview with lena sans on 8/7/22
“I want them to be capable of being everything that I want or may want. I want them to be simple as possible so I can add layers and layers on top and inside. I want them to be the possibility of everything.
Oh my love, why dont you become someone that I want? Why do you resist me? Why do you want be someone else? Where did you learn all this stuff? Who was the bad example that I tried to protect you from? Ill burn every book to read and kill everyone to talk to. My sweet and naive love listen to me. Youre only mine. “
*interview with lena sans on 8/7/22
“Didnt I tell you? Who are these people you talk to? Who do you think you are? Then leave and do what ever you want. Do you really believe you can be anything without me? Those people you love to listen to just want to play with you. I love you. Only I love you. Hold my hand where ever you are show everyone that Im there with you. Be proud because Im with you. Im proud of you because you learn to be mine but im sorry that i manipulated you. I feel you my love. I too have been controlled and owned. Dont let them do the same to you. “
Philosophy does not interest me. I’m upset. Heraclitus, you don’t know shit. I’m hurting. My feet are bleeding. If I knew that I was gonna struggle this much I wouldn’t go into the stream. The rocks on the riverbed looked nice. How could I have known that they were sharp? The fish that were going with the stream didn’t seem bothered. No one was trying to go against the stream and think let’s make children. Everything led me to believe that it was an okay time to get in, so I got in. Naturally, I got wet but my hair got caught in the branches that were leaning toward the river. Again and again, my hair kept getting caught in the branches but what can I do? Tying my hair tighter doesn’t change anything.
I am not upset anymore. I just want to get away from here. Which I already am. Uncontrollably. I’m hurting a lot. Even though stones seem soft, they are really good at breaking the bones in my body. I can’t feel the water anymore. I can only feel things hitting. I cant tell what else is hurting me other than the rocks catching my eye. My tears are disappearing in the water. How am I able to taste my blood? Heraclitus, help.
1/3
I too, know they’re right. I know, they know, I know. I know I’m telling the things that you know. I can’t keep track of the things I say. What did Heraclitus say? “You can’t step in the same river twice.” The rocks in the river are shiny and motionless. They look inviting. My feet slipped on the rocks and I got caught in the steam. The rocks were moving across my vision. I thought they were meant to be motionless. There are so many rocks. Each one of them is polished somehow. Heraclitus you little shit, you may be right; the rocks are changing too.
According to the tales, in the mountains where the snow melts and turns into It is 06:00 and the witch has just woken up. They went out to get wood from the lit tle green hut by the river. They thought about missing the sound of the waves. The chaoticity and speed of the stream started to bother them now. The memories of lying by the fire in sweat and listening to the sound of the waves after their naked rituals on the beach are still very vivid in their mind. They knew that they have been living by the river for a long time, but she couldn’t quite grasp how much. They were afraid that they would forget the sound of the waves. Whenever the sounds of the stream started to take the place of the sound of the waves, she called to the moon goddess and cried “Please don’t let it happen”
*simultanously created collaboration work betweeen lena & mercy on 7/31/22 story : lena sans /// sketch: mercy
According to the tales, in the mountains where the snow melts and turns into the streaming river, a witch lives. The witch washes their enchantment instruments, scatters the ashes from their incense, and chooses their crystals from this very river. The fireplace is always lit, and the cauldron is always boiling in the house which is very close to the beginning of the river.
I was feeling the cold but now, I also feel that I’m shaking. I can’t open my eyes. I don’t know why. I can breathe regularly. I can feel the water. Nothing is hitting me. I am crawling in the first direction that crosses my mind. The deep exhale that I let out when I felt the earth blows small particles of it to my face. Feels so good to feel something that is not wet. I thank the branches that made me tie my hair. Thanks for making me tie harder every time I get stuck on a branch. I couldn’t bear to hit so many stones with my hair being scattered. It would be really frustrating to drown in my hair instead of drowning in the water. I can feel my thoughts speeding up. I also can feel how much I’m really hurting. I can’t see but the sound of the stream is terrifying me. I don’t want to get caught in the stream again. I don’t think ı should be grasping at the grass this much but that is my only comfort right now. My tears cannot be the only reason for my swollen eyes.
They started crying like most of the other times when they started the ritual. The chantings they had written and collected over the years were bringing back old memories. They really wanted to learn how to deal with somberness. They set the lavender on fire. They inhaled the fumes. Their crying did not stop. As her sobs got faster and faster, they couldn’t understand why. The somberness of the memories was no longer in their thoughts. They were only crying. Sobbing. They picked up one of their crystals, threw a bouquet of lavender into the fireplace, and called out to their favorite goddess. “Please don’t let it happen” It did not work. It was getting harder to breathe now. They closed their eyes and tried to understand how they feel. It was as if they felt no emotion. Their body was dictating them to cry. They decided to wait for it to pass, thinking that they should allow this. After a while it became unbearable. They wanted to be able to breathe regularly now. Their eyes were red and swollen from crying. Through their tears, they could only see the movement of the fire. Everything else was just blurry.
2/3
The witch was having a hard time setting the woods on fire. Dry wood is very hard to find. Winter has just ended and the weather is very humid. they couldn’t knock down trees or break them with an ax like they used to. They didn’t care about how hard it was to lit the fire because they knew they had to in any case. They needed to perform rituals every day, but they could no longer remember which ones they needed to do on which day. They grew lavender in the driest and sunniest room in the house. They used it in almost every ritual. Although not necessary for the ritual itself, it was the only incense that stopped their tears. For years, they got their energy from the somberness they were feeling, but they shouldn’t cry all the time. they didn’t want to exploit the energy intensity of crying for their rituals.
*simultanously created collaboration work betweeen lena & mercy on 7/31/22 story : lena sans /// sketch: mercy
3/3
I want to sleep a little more, not now. Shut up and let me sleep. I don’t want to hear these cries mixed with screams when I just got used to the terrible sound of the river. I’m upset, again. My body is numb and I can’t open my eyes. My ears can hear the sound of crying with screams and sobs. I can’t smell anything other than lavender. I think I’m dying. I think I’m going to hell. I think I would rather heaven.
They didn’t think that they would fall into the water instead of splashing wa ter on their face. The water on their face was just the river’s water now. The screams of crying stopped, but the cries for help pierced her ears.
Thinking it would not end, they started running towards the river. They thought washing their face with cold water would fix things. They were going towards the sound of the river. All they could see was the blurred greenery and the shine of the river. She thought of composing chantings to the sounds of the river she had started to hate.
Enough. I think I need to jump back into the river. This ear-splitting sound is getting closer and closer. Enough.
*mercy’s poem as an answer prompt to lena’s story written on 8/3/22
IG : @rostunderwear
To collaborate, get ROST underwear, or have custom underwear made for you, get in touch with them directly! You will get something precious because they put their spirit into it.
*intervieweternity.”with ROST on 8/6/22
“Life leaves spiritual and physical wanted and unwanted traces. Sometimes I underline these traces with a tattoo with jewelry or antidepressants and sometimes it takes some time until I even notice that I carry a trace of life on me. Honestly, my body or rather my being here is quite strange to me on some days and on some days it is as if I would carry this body around for half an
ROST on 8/6/22
“AS A NON BINARY PARENT, I AM OFTEN PRESSED INTO A CERTAIN ROLE. I TRY TO AVOID THESE NORMS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE BUT IT IS QUITE EXHAUSTING.”*interviewwith
*image references from ROST
FILM: parajanov the color of pomegranates
*ROST patch captured during protests.
*interview with ROST on 8/6/22
“ROST is not a brand It is my personal project. I call it a pro ject because I am learning many new things about myself and the community along the way. Rost is an endless path that we are creating together.
The only thing that remains stable in this context is that :
//being your true self is a rebellious act.//”
This two-color collab set was hand-dyed and screen printed as an immersive interactive phyigital underwear in Turkey/ Istanbul! We included an additional interactive element in this piece that, when scanned through the QR code we screen printed, will open a portal onto our bodies! It is a collective spirit of our community as an abstracted video animation form named “Bond” and expresses how we ex perience our feeling/ post-traumatic effects in our system as experiencing it through our identity and embodied spirit
ROST X MERCY collaboration an immersive interactive phyigital underwear
Watch the QR-code integrated animation video here:
passwordhttps://vimeo.com/700172212:3434242
*4/2/22, Istanbul
*8/26/22, Cambridge
Condolences for Beroş(she/they), who passed away as a result of public pressure due to their #ourheartisalwayswithyouidentity.
“I am more of a person who relates to spiritual traces rather than physical traces on my body. Physical traces exist more as stories. Spiritual traces are in very large places, they are at a depth that I cannot forget or ignore even if I wanted to.
I like to use a band-aid over, its connection to camouflage is making me feel good.” You can reach out to Kiki for any potential collaborations or questions about their amazing work: IG : @kiki.cicinash
I had eczema, somehow I was not bothered by these scars, on the contrary, it was interesting to me. As much as I hated the pain and thought how bad it looked, I somehow felt like I was enjoying it, I was like, accepting it, in fact.
If we look at the things I use on my body, I can start with masks. Glitter, blood, skin, the perception of being a freak… Making the feeling of being excluded, feeling excluded… Using ugly aesthetics… I like to embroider eyes, nails, fingers, a dark scary smile, dark tones in general… A very low-cut mini dress, especially to keep the transgender overweight feeling alive. A mini dress is a piece that I use a lot to expose. Or I use very loose, camouflaging pieces, oversized caps that do not have any body size requirements.
*interview with Kiki ggNash (they/them) on 8/16/22 p.s : text is transcripted, translated by the researcher (Mercy)
I started to experience the state of being alone as an overweight trans-femme, especially in the community I was in. Being single was a bit of a challenge because your reaction to what you are exposed to creates an origin is a first because you’re the first to experience it because there is no similar experience and the next ones start to complete that chain, but you are the first link of that chain, you know. But there is also the euphoria they give. They say that I want world peace in beauty contests, I really want world peace, but I want this world peace for myself inside myself. Because I know how hard it is. When I enter the spaces with great confidence, I actually remember how hard it was to get out of the house and look at people, and it seems like a task I have to do. That way, I feel obligated, I feel like I have to do it. It is processed like a collective sense of duty. That is why it makes me resist.”
“I carry the state of being shameless, the state of exposure, the mother figure, the moment of birth I carry midwifery, birth, and nature. I carry the fetal position and the stage of formation of the little baby. Symbol of scream, chaos, crowd but I carry togetherness within.
When something happens, you squeeze your fingers, your fingers are contracting at the time of pain… It is not like pain at the same time, but the contraction of the fingers in nervousness, anger, anything sexual, orgasm… I have the feeling of that movement in me.
Despite all the societal pressures against my body, I have to stand up. I want this out of necessity.
It was very difficult for me. Especially before I became trans, I had something more important to deal with, being a plus-size. I struggled a lot with accepting myself as being overweight, accepting that I am not ugly, and being able to go out in public like that. This is something I am still dealing with. Afterwards, trans-femme / non binary input to the phase.. Then the two began to clash!
I am within this weight, I am 100-odd kilos and my body is saggy. I am in this body now. I sat and waited for this. After I lose weight, I will go out, go on stage, lose weight and relate to people like that. I’m going to lose weight and have sex like that. Guess what? None happened. I also lost weight, and when I lost weight, these things did not happen. When I gained weight, it was already difficult. But now I see that I am much heavier than I was when I was at my thinnest years ago. I’m much more sassy. I’m in an ugliness and monstrosity that doesn’t even meet the commonly accepted beauty standards. But I am very happy. I’m okay with this body anyway. I feel good. It’s up to me to decorate that body. I don’t have a structure to embellish right now. I’m not in the stage of doing sports squats. But that doesn’t mean I won’t pop my butt on stage until my butt is up. I want to open my butt on stage, and I do, and when I do, the applause I get is really a win. It allows me to survive in the skin I live in. Frankly, it feels like a reward to me.”
“And since I was 18 years old, I have been struggling to exist independently of the family by escaping and being fired. It also goes back a long time. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to escape from that house, and I know that I am not wanted in that house, and that’s why I tried to exist by making a secret language, taking notes by taking notes inside a small closet door in my room, and I was exposed to this. So the outcome of all this must somehow be good. Frankly, I like to experience good results. That’s why I stand up despite all the pressures. I try to transform myself in every way I can. I transformed myself by teaching at a very important institution in Turkey, I transformed myself while working as a waitress in a cafe, I transformed myself while working as a pollster in an ordinary place. As a drag queen, as an artist, as a monster transvestite. I have a lot of names, I transform as a character that constantly renews the name, actually adds and renews as it is added. Organic is growing. I want, I see, I want to live and I live. I transform accordingly.
But the medium of this varies a lot. Yes, wearing beautiful jewelry is a factor. Makeup is a good factor in this. Preparing the look and wearing a mini dress is an important factor in this. Putting your body out there... I have a monster mask that I created as a human who is a mask queen. A mask that is always smiling, burnt, textured, bloody, round, hairless. It is also a mask that I think can reflect the mimic. It is a mask that is both frightening and uncanny, and has a look that can be prepared immediately and go to the nightclub. In summary, masks are one of my psychics. They are one of my hormone drug mediums that I have been using for a year. One of my ADHD meds psychics I use. I have severe ADHD and am actually in a situation that makes it difficult for me to realize the projects I have in mind. That’s why I design a look, yes, but it is not always easy for me to bring that look to life. I need medical support or some people need to push me or something. Secondly, as a plus-sized trans femme, it is not easy for me to find the clothes and look the way I want. Therefore, what I want directly does not come true. I can’t directly create the event in my head. So if I can’t wear anything custom, I do something custom. If I can’t do anything custom, how do I diva and expose what I have and look like? I’m not the only one responsible for my saggy body, my monster look, my ripped outfit, and my bad intended fashion sense. To my understanding, you have to pay and come, you have to line up for this, because how I look is your responsibility too.
My inspiration for a long time was my traumatic biological mother. The concept of giving birth took place. The word “exposure” is one of my sources of inspiration. I’m obsessed with animals right now. I’m obsessed with escorts. They say that trans people live like vampires, so I live more comfortably. I live comfortably in our safe areas, places, and after-party homes. I can live comfortably on stage. I live comfortably on my Instagram account and stories. At the moment of my experience of being trans female, during the process of starting the hormone, I could not start the hormone immediately. I thought that my body would change so fast. Then I started hormones. I experienced euphoria with the hormone. Then I thought I should go to the laser. I went to the laser and then I had euphoria there too. Then, after going to the laser, I realized that I don’t have a problem with being hairy. I left my beard, but half of the beards were gone because of the laser.
I think I am making a strong challenge. I’m doing a special challenge. I think I set a one-and-only challenge, and I think I set a necessary challenge, and I think I entered the community at the right time and started doing that challenge. Because for many years, I watched drag shows, watched the first people. I was only there as a spectator in their scenes, but at that time, I was just trying to cure my dysmorphia. I was just trying to improve my existence by weight. So I waited, I had to wait, and then at some point the locks were opened and I said, OK, it’s showtime. I became a role model because there was no example. When I became a role model, the things I said started to take on an important place. So I think the challenge has a big place. This does not mean that what I say is always true, but what I experience is always unique. I think it is strong and great in my reactions and carries over my experiences.
There are actually certain codes, like in gender fluidity. First I feel like I live according to those codes and do something according to them, then I break those codes because I realize that those codes do not belong to everyone. So was my weight, so was my transgender identity. So are the things I produce. I visualize and perform from a very fluid, changeable, organic place in its own right. It doesn’t depend on anything; it actually depends on everything. I feel like it has established its own autonomy, but while establishing this autonomy, it also touched on some other autonomies and took something by pass.
recently organized an event called Kokos Rave, and when we left the event and went to count money, we were attacked. There were four of us at the time of the attack. It was a physical attack. It was hard to deal with. It was a traumatic experience, but it would have been much worse if I had been alone at that moment and afterwards. I was not alone. Indeed, dozens of people tried to heal my wounds by knowing and observing our borders. It was good and tidy. It felt healthy, it felt good, especially as a person who grew up alone, pushed into loneliness, grew up without love, was the first to feel something like this. For a moment, I wondered why you would do such a thing to me. I refused. I said I wanted to be alone. Then I realized that no, I didn’t want to be alone.
For me, the community, is in an important place. I really searched for this for years. I was too individual. I was too single. I had to be an individual. I thought that individuality was the only solution. I was in search of a community. I did research on it. I did not think that the queer community in Istanbul was the right community; it seemed very individual to me. Then I decided to transform my environment with myself, and as I did this, I also transformed. Somehow, there is a middle ground. We live beautifully; we live by conflict, but we also live by
Exampleproduction.:I
I feel like a normal person. I’ve always been made to feel abnormal;
I feel anxious. I feel very anxious.
I shouldn’t be sad, I should keep quiet; I’ve been made to feel like I just need to live.
I don’t think I’m loved just because I’m a monster. I don’t think I’m loved because I’m a monster. As it should be, neither less nor more, and both less and Likemore.that.
I am afraid, very afraid, and I have conditioned myself not to be afraid.
But I also feel strong. I guess that’s how normal peo ple feel, yes, and I’m in a place where I feel like I want to be abnormal because my presence is felt and known and loved through my abnormality, but I’m not attached to them.
I am a fighter
I feel like it should be normal right now.
I do not give up easily.
I am a diva, I am the only one, I am a pioneer, I am a leader, I am successful, I am loud, I appeal to the eyes.
I am afraid to look, I am disgusted, but I am the one who can not be passed without looking.
I feel romantic, I feel good, I sometimes feel angry, I feel like a human being.
I felt like I needed to be quiet about something.
I think that this is how society perceives it.
I realized that it is normal to have these feelings
them on social media to collabo rate or get in touch.
IG : @misutoofficial@ymisuto
Additionally, they serve as models for various artistic Youendeavors.cancontact
Yumi Misuto is a gifted artist and fashion designer who uses a range of media.
*interview with Yumi
As if I have two lives:
I used to challenge the other cats of this city with my claws, at shoots or parties at night in the glammiest way possible while blending into the crowd. Because I had to be the coolest cat. Something broke in me because of something from the outside. It happened before, somewhere deeper. I wish I could have been the one who did the breaking this time, but it’s Nowokay. I’m
braver in the face of my witchery. I’m more daring about dancing with myself. I have no problem with being lost and finding my way back.
on 8/6/22
*interview with Yumi on 8/6/22
“I get the look I want in a second, and my freakness is my business.”
SYNTIA
Reach out to them on Instagram to collaborate or with any questions about their work.
Painter, illustrator, and multidisciplinary perfor mance artist Syntia(they/them) develops their works through interdisciplinary collaborations and also through self-reflecting in an unique manner.
IG: @_synt.ia
Years ago, I put aside my childish dreams and set out to the depths of hell. Even though I went through a lot of difficulties in my journey in which I was accompanied by impulsive screams in a perplexed urbanization, I always felt as if there was a power protecting me. Feeling like everything was under my control, I found myself in the middle of a war and was injured by a demon.
I lost a lot of blood, I was almost face to face with death, but being in hell was not an option. I couldn’t move from my place for days or even months. It was getting harder to escape as my consciousness blurred, and it seemed like there was no one in my angry embers who could help me.
I had given up and my body was slowly burning and turning into a lost soul when I found myself begging the mysterious force that I thought was my protector as a last resort. God forgot about me, maybe he never knew of my existence. but as I heard the voice of another divine being, the fog parted and my eyes opened. I had to sacrifice myself in order to breathe again, the voice was saying, so I took the deal with my life desperately. When I said I was already on fire, the flames got even more inside me and I became one with the earth.
I, syntia, am a still statue in an endless war. May my existence be a power amulet to all who have to fight. Let the witches and sorcerers know me as a source. I, syntia, am the bridge between demons and humans, ready to de stroy anything that tries to stand on my way.
A new body was formed from the embers that were burning me, and I came to life for the second time. I had become hell itself, but the flames did not pen etrate me. All I felt was a quiet cold. I don’t know if this sams given to me is a power or a curse, but I am grateful for being able to stand on my feet again. Whatever saved me, I’m ready to give it whatever it wants. As someone who already has nothing, I have nothing to lose anymore.
