CHARACTERS: JESSICA, WES, DANIEL, CLAY, CODY, AND EMMA Cody: I’m gonna tell her that I love her Emma: Here? Cody: Yeah, so? Emma: This isn’t the kind of place you tell someone you love them, this is where you tell someone that their Botox operation looks passable Clay: You wanna order pizza? Cody: Nah bro, I’m on a new diet Clay: You had a bucket of fried chicken for breakfast this morning Cody: Yeah, one Wes: My happiness is directly correlated with my ability to order Chinese food at any given time Dan: Yes the 9 words no one wants to hear “I think we should both start seeing other people” Cody: Or “Do you have time to hear about Jesus today?” Cody: Sex in the shower would be great. Or just sex. Or a shower. Or running hot water and food. Cody: Why didn’t you ask me for help in planning the party? Emma: After what you did last time? Cody: Anyone could have made that mistake! Past Emma: I said juggler JUGGGALO THE INSANE CLOWN POSSE IS SCREAMING AND CHILDREN ARE CRYING Cody: You got his autograph after! Emma: You never know which contact will lead to your next job! Emma: If you don’t stop laughing at me, I’ll come over there and cry on you Dan: On a scale of one to the training montage in Rocky, it was definitely Rocky IV Emma: I’ve never seen Rocky Dan: I don’t know how to talk to you Jessica: I think he might be a serial killer Emma: Why? Past John: Hey, you wanna head over to international waters in an unregistered boat? Emma: I think you interrupted “dress to kill” a little too literally Jessica: The leather gloves are too much? Emma: Yeah and maybe the ski mask too?
Jessica: But I should still keep the knife? Emma: Oh yeah that’s cute Wes: Once I ate fried chicken everyday for a week and I got an ‘A’ on my International affairs paper. I’m not saying those two things are related, I’m just giving you the facts. Jessica: You can’t send us out in this weather, that’s like child abuse! Jessica: I’m in charge of the Easter egg hunt this year and I don’t know what I could do to make it more… historical Clay: You could nail one of them to a cross Cody: He was all mad because I didn’t respond but you know I’m too busy sleeping in class to answer my phone Professor: Well I would still appreciate it if you turned your ringtone off Wes: Oh my god I hated your remix so much that I took my shivering hands out of my glove to end the song Dan: Buses are the biggest assholes; they slow down in front of where everyone is standing and then crank the gas another 500 feet and literally piss everyone off Cody: Can’t I just dislike a girl just because? Like why does there always have to be some deep underlying reason other than the fact that she annoys the ever living crap out of me and I don’t like her stupid ginger bob? Clay: How can you say that about your own mother? Cody: It’s a ridiculous looking bob! Wes: Ugh, I bet he’s one of those kids who sing “cha cha cha” during happy birthday Jessica: I thought you said you would take care of labeling everything in the kitchen? Cody: I did! Jessica: You just labeled everything “assorted flavors” Cody: Yes Emma: You are the least manly guy I know Dan: That’s just not true, my arms are insanely buff-‐ Emma: Where did you sleep last night Dan? Past Emma: What are you doing? Past Dan: I’m enjoying this hallway, it’s nicely carpeted. You know, people take that for granted because now you don’t have to wear shoes to go get your laundry, you could just-‐ Past Emma: You know, there’s probably more bugs out here in the hall Past Dan: You bitch!
Dan: [scoffs] Yeah, I slept Clay [arriving]: Dan you can’t put up these flyers on our noticeboard! [FLYER SAYS: IF YOU SEE THIS SPIDER, PLEASE KILL IT with DISTANT PICTURE OF A COUCH] Clay: You can’t even see the spider! Dan: I didn’t want to get too close to it Clay: He seems like a bit of a slob Jessica: Yeah but I mean we had pretty powerful eye contact over his pile of pizza boxes lying between us though. Well, actually, that’s not true, I think he was looking at me…I couldn’t tell because the pile was pretty high. Dan: Did you think I wouldn’t notice you putting the temperature from 73 to 71? Wes: Yes Dan: Well, better luck next time buddy! Wes: Ok…you freak Narrator: When Pluto was no longer deemed a planet, Clay took it as a personal offense Cody: I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and eating spicy Doritos Jessica: My favorite studying method is crying into a plate of food Mrs. Cole: Honey you’ve barely touched your food Wes: What do you want me to do? Stroke it? Dan: I never believed in Santa because the toys said they were “Made in China” Clay: Santa could go for cheap labor, it could be more feasible Wes: Dan, you can pretty much get talked into everything Dan: Not everything Past Person: Shane? Past Dan: No, last time I checked I’m not Shane [laughs] [HOUR LATER] Past Wes: Who was that? Past Dan: Same guy. He just did it again and I had a moment of self-‐doubt like maybe I am Shane Jessica: The moral of this story is to never ever have feelings for anybody ever Dan: What is this? Clay: Oh I accidentally made an omelet in the shape of South America and since then we’ve been trying to replicate the world map Dan: Africa’s missing Madagascar Clay: Huh, an answer to a question I never asked
Cody: I’m horrible at this job. Writing fortune cookies? I can’t think of good advice to give to people Emma: You’re not that bad Clay: Oh no, he is. My fortune cookie today read “You will prosper once you put faith in your pears” Dan: Mine last week said “Just go with it” Wes: Yeah, mine was “Love happens” Jessica: Mine said “Miss you already” Cody: Yeah, after a while I just started using Jennifer Anniston movie titles Emma: you have to stop going back. She doesn’t like you. You have to learn to let go. Wes: Oh please, what about you with the Ukrainian tailor? Narrator: At that time Emma visited the same Ukrainian tailor at the end of every week to get her vintage boots fixed. In fact she tipped him so highly every time, we think he purposefully fixed the boots just enough for them to last the week. Clay: When your dad is a cop, he has a different way of saying happy birthday Past Mr. Parker: Listen son, from tomorrow onwards you can legally be tried as an adult for first-‐degree murder. If you need to harm or kill anybody, go do it now. Past Clay: [laughs] good one, dad Past Mr. Parker: [laughs] but seriously Cody: To be quite honest, if I die and go to hell in this exact moment, I wouldn’t even be able to tell because I would still be here Dan: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Wes: I’m hiding from my fans; they’re probably all waiting outside [PAN OUT THE WINDOW TO A WOMAN WAITING FOR HER DOG TO FINISH POOPING] Wes: How does it look? Dan: I would be careful, don’t go out yet Wes: [Looks out the window and then looks at Dan] Dan: That dog is the size of a person! Wes: Ugh, I’m too folk-‐rock for this Dan: I wrote a run-‐away letter once Past Dan: Mom, I ran away not because I don’t like you but I wanted to meet the spice girls. Love, Dan Cody: Are you sure that wasn’t your coming out letter? Wes: I need something ugly to scare him off Cody: All right, give me your driver’s license Jessica: I just miss us being friends, you know? We used to talk about everything and now it’s weird.
Wes: It’s not weird. Jessica: It’s weird! I feel like I don’t know anything about you…sometimes I start to forget what you look like. Wes: Ok fine. You want me to tell you something that no one else knows about me? Will that make it unweird? Jessica: I don’t know but now I’m interested, tell me! Wes: Ok you know how I label my food? Narrator: Wes had a habit of labeling his left over food with exact measurements 127 FRIES, I’VE COUNTED AND IF THERE ISN’T THE SAME AMOUNT AGAIN THEN COUNT DOWN YOUR DAYS ON THIS EARTH THIS CAKE WEIGHS .4943 LBS. EAT A SLICE AND I’LL SLICE YOU UP THIS TOMATO SOUP IS EXACTLY .84 LITERS AMOUNT. DRINK IT AND I’LL SMOTHER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP Jessica: That last one wasn’t even a pun Wes: Sorry, I just get very passionate about tomato soup Jessica: So what’s your point? Wes: Well I completely make the numbers up Jessica: What? Wes: Yeah, to keep others away. You didn’t think I was insane enough to really measure soup did you? Jessica: [laughs awkwardly] Wes: It’s a feat that’s no one figured it out, it’s really a mark of what a genius I am Narrator: In fact, Cody, Emma, and Clay had already figured it out and had been eating his food for a long time. Cody solely relied on Wes’s leftovers on weekends Wes: Just don’t tell anyone ok? Wes: I saw her the other day and just wanted to laser beam her to death, that bitch, she’s still keeping it tight Clay: You have to release the anger in a mature, healthy way mate Emma: You should slash her tires Wes: What? Jessica: Oh but make sure you slash only three of them because if you do four, insurance covers it. But if you slash three, then it’s all on her. Clay: I’ve always wanted to be a doctor you know? In Mrs. Watson’s class when we had to write the three goals we most wanted to accomplish, I wrote that being a doctor, and helping other people was all I wanted and nothing else mattered. Dan: Wow, you remember that? Clay: Yeah, you don’t remember what you wrote? Narrator: When Dan was younger he had written these three things: “get a girlfriend, kiss her, rule the world” Dan: You know what, my goals really haven’t changed either. Clay: I mean I had some attachment issues when I was younger because when my dad left for work, I knew there was always a small chance he would never come back Cody: The only thing I was ever attached to was my TV
Narrator: When Cody was younger he had gotten so attached to Steve on Blue’s Clues that when he left, he had thrown a shoe at his TV, stolen his neighbor’s dog and hid it in the basement for a week Cody: I tried to feed it blue crayons so that we could start our own show. Clay: Didn’t you also try to legally change your name to Steve? Narrator: He had insisted his teacher and his class call him Steve from then on Young Cody: And if you don’t, I’ll destroy every single one of you slowly from the inside Cody: Well, not legally [London Bridge the nursery rhyme comes on in the club] Emma: Cody, you had one job! Cody: Oh come on, you can still get down to this. Fergie’s so overrated. Jessica: Where’s Dan, he seemed kind of upset Cody: Oh I talked to him; I think he’ll be ok Past Dan: I was just crying about one thing [points to head] and then I just ended up crying about every possible wrong thing in my life Past Cody: Well Dan I’ll admit you’re not having the best hair day Past Dan: I was pointing to this hat I got from my brother in the army Past Cody: I mean it’s an ugly hat but –wait, where are you going? Emma: I prefer to wear jewelry that can double as weaponry Wes: Should I put this picture of me on top of the tree because I am the star or under the tree because I am God’s greatest gift to earth? Clay: You should flush it down like toilet because you’re a piece of shit Wes: Well that wasn’t very nice Narrator: Cody had a different break-‐up approach Cody: Summer is over and so are we Cody: I know Wes did some pretty horrible stuff but at least he didn’t invent a new religion and convert his whole country to it just to break up with you Narrator: Wes had eaten nothing in the past thirty-‐six hours because he was studying for his comparative politics exam. He was almost in tears of joy when he was carrying his KFC bucket home [Blood curling scream from outside] Clay: What the hell is that? Cody: I don’t know, I think it came from outside Clay: Is that Wes? Cody: That’s Wes Wes: [on his knees about to cry with KFC bucket spilled over the street]
Narrator: Wes was never good with confrontation so instead he baked cakes when he needed to apologize for something I’M SORRY I COCKBLOCKED SORRY I PROJECTILE VOMITED ALL OVER YOUR CAT I’M SORRY I RAN OVER YOUR BIKE SORRY I STAPLED YOUR FINGER SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY POISONED YOUR CHILLI CHEESE FRIES I’M SORRY I SET YOU ON FIRE SORRY THIS CAKE SUCKS, I RAN OUT OF FRO Wes: I think as soon as you give people cake, they always like you a little better no matter how horrible you were to them Dan: Unless they’re allergic Wes: Unless they’re allergic SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE LACTOSE INTOLERANT Jessica: What is he doing? Emma: We made a bet because Clay thinks he can eat an entire banana Jessica: So? Cody: No, an entire banana, including the skin Clay: [PUTS THE TIP IN HIS MOUTH] Cody: It’s probably better we don’t make eye contact while you eat that Emma: I just, I want to kiss him but every time we have like a moment, I chicken out Cody: Ok what you have to do is pretty simple. You just have to figure out a way to accidentally on-‐purpose fall on top of him and then you have to kiss him. In fact, he’ll probably kiss you Narrator: By the end of the day, Emma would instead end up injuring him Emma: That’s great advice, thanks Cody! Jessica: I can’t tell if he’s gay or straight. I mean he’ll talk football stats…but wear skinny leather pants to work. He’ll say a girl is hot…and then wear skinny leather pants to work. Cody: He has sex with a girl...but wears skinny leather pants to work Jessica: I mean how many straight guys do you know who own skinny leather pants? Cody: I know one; he works the register everyday during lunch at Whole Foods. He’d actually make an okay girl though, if he really tried. Narrator: Actually it was a girl. Cody just thought it was a dude. Jessica: I just wish there was some straightforward way of knowing Cody: So this guy. He wears them all the time? Jessica: Almost every day yeah Cody: Ok next question, is he foreign? Jessica: No, he’s white Cody: This isn’t looking good…Ok the final question that can bring this guy salvation…does he have his motorcycle license? Jessica: I don’t know
Cody: Just ask if he has a motorcycle, and if he does, tell him how hot you think that is. If he says no…then I’m afraid he wants to ride his motorcycle in the opposite lane, he wants someone else to remove the leather pants off his hot legs, he wants-‐ Jessica: Yeah, I get it Jessica: Wait I thought you and her were friends Dan: No, I don’t trust anyone who sneezes in a cute way Wes: I don’t know if I’ll win though, Principal Anderson hasn’t ever liked me much Cody: Well I wonder why Clay: What do you mean? [Phone rings] Past Wes: ugh, it’s the school Principal Anderson: Hi and welcome to another school year, I’m pleased to tell you that this year-‐ Past Wes: Ugh shut up! No one likes you! Principal Anderson: Excuse me? Past Wes: Oh my god I thought this was an automated message Cody: You’ve never really hated yourself until you’ve been so drunk that you ate a whole jar of mayonnaise because you thought it was vanilla pudding Dan: No, Emma and I don’t share food. Emma: Yeah, the last time we tried to have a “eat whatever and share kindly policy”, it resulted it an all out food war Jessica: What do you mean? Past Emma: Hey, are you delivering that pizza to room 43? Pizza Delivery Guy: Yeah Past Emma: Oh, I live there. What’s your name? Pizza Delivery: I’m Mike. Past Emma: Hey, Mike, do you want to share some pizza with me? Jessica: You ate all of Dan’s pizza? Dan: No, she didn’t eat the pizza. Just ate all the crusts off of because she knew those were my favorite Past Emma: Oh don’t eat the pizza, just help me eat the crusts Pizza Delivery Guy: Why? Past Emma: I’m weird, I have a ritual, I like to save them for later, I’m lactose intolerant Jessica: You ate all the crusts off? Past Dan: What did you do to my pizza? Past Emma: You deserved it Past Dan: What, why, what did I do? Past Emma: You ate all the chicken from my leftover Chinese and just left me the tomatoes! Past Dan: I thought you were done, that was a mistake! Past Emma: So was this.
Past Dan: This isn’t over! [Later that week] Past Emma: You licked off all the cream from my Oreos? Past Dan: Karma’s a bitch isn’t it? [Shows her giant Oreo with all the cream in it] Emma: Yeah we don’t share food since then Emma: I didn’t go on a second date with him because he pronounced it Blink one-‐ hundred and eighty-‐two Clay: Through most of my childhood, I thought it was Ayyy Macarena Squiggly Butt because my mom told me that that’s what the rest of the sentence was French for Dan: What do you mean I can’t insult? Past Dan: Where’d you get that shirt, the toilet store? Emma: you apologize for everything Past Dan [walking past a passenger on bus]: sorry Past Dan [opening a door for someone]: sorry Past Dan [accidentally touches someone]: sorry Past Dan [stumbles on words]: hey are you what –sorry Past Dan [bumps into a chair]: sorry [ZOOM INTO CHAIR] Cody [typing]: Yo tengo vienteuno anos Dan: You just said you have 21 anuses Cody: I know. You think she’ll be impressed? Dan: I’m not sure you understand what you said in English either Cody: Well then I’ll just make some eggs Jessica: You don’t even make eggs, chickens do! Wes: Dude, you always look at your reflection. One time when we were arguing, you were looking at your reflection in my eyes Cody: No I wasn’t, I was just astounded by how green they were Wes: My eyes are blue! Cody: I know! They looked green that day, which is why I was staring Emma: Wow is that a banana in your pocket or are you just really happy to see me? Narrator: In fact, Dan did have a banana in his pocket since he had been stealing one each day for the past week from Ezra’s store as a way to reconcile what he felt was an unfair $30 he lost to him Dan: [walks away without saying anything] Ezra: Emma what is this? Emma: uhm Ramen? Did you even go to college? Ezra: No what are these? Emma: Chicken flavoring or whatever. What, you’ve never had them?
Ezra: This is chicken flavoring? Emma: That’s a condom. Why are there condoms in here? Ezra: Maybe Ramen now promotes safe sex Emma: Dan! Dan: Yeah? Emma: Did you know that there are condoms in here? Did you like hide them in here or something? Past Wes: You know what? Past Dan: What? Past Wes: You know what? Past Dan: WHAT? Past Wes: I gave your girlfriend an orgasm more recently than you did Emma: So where are the spice packets? [Wes and Holly making out] Holly: Hey before we go any further, do you have a condom-‐ Wes: Right here Wes: What? Holly: That’s Ramen flavoring Wes: What? Wait this must be new packaging Holly: No, unless condoms are now powdered Wes: Wait this couldn’t be Holly: I have to go Emma: It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever said or done. It’s the stupidest thing anyone’s said or done. Dan: I thought LGBT meant, “lettuce green bacon and tomato” until about ten minutes ago. Cody: I used to think menopause was a Pokémon Cody: You’ve never hit the asshole limit until you break up with someone on Draw Something Clay: Don’t touch those Wes: I’m just moving them over there so they don’t get wet Clay: No stop don’t, Cody is really weird about people touching his paintbrushes Past Cody: Did you move my paintbrushes? Past Clay: Yes, I put them on the coffee table Past Cody: You just thought you could like touch my brushes and move them wherever the heck you liked and then just continue on your happy go lucky GODDMAN WAY? Past Clay: Dude calm down, I was cooking dinner and I needed the space Past Cody: If I find a bristle missing, you are dead to me Dan: I don’t know, I’ve never been so intimidated by a woman before you know? Emma: You’ll be fine Dan: Ok, I’m gonna go. Wish me luck Emma: Good luck! Stay stroganoff
Dan: What? Emma: I don’t know, isn’t it Russian for strong? Dan: You just told me stay a Russian dish of sautéed beef Past Dylan: And I always knew that one day I’d find enlightenment in God like that. It’s just such a shared experience you know? I think it really brings us all together and reminds us that we’re all human and subject to the will of God Past Jessica: Mm-‐hmm yeah, that’s really great, I just wanted to know if you could pass me the box of tissues. Wes: So it wasn’t a good date? Clay: What’s wrong? Emma: I accidentally donated $200 to ‘Invincible Children’ Clay: is that a thing? Narrator: The group did exist. However, it wasn’t the charity group of ‘invisible children’ Emma had hoped for but actually a local high school gang that was also a part-‐time reggae band Cody: You should try the “Insult all” approach Jessica: The what? Cody: When you want to insult one person but don’t want to single them out, so instead you insult everyone in the group so that you’re the one who’s singled out. But here’s the key, you tell everyone else ahead of time so that they don’t get offended. And everyone goes home happy Jessica: Hmm…or I could talk to the person in private Cody: Sure but this isn’t a kindergarten parent-‐teacher conference. This is real life where people only care what you think if it offends them Dan: Did you know that recent studies showed that plant sterols could help lower cholesterol? Cody: Did you know that recent studies show that I don’t care? Dan: Wes, I need your help! Wes: Dude, no you don’t Dan: I literally can’t say no to people. Last week these people came to my door, I listened to their ten minute presentation about God’s plan for the end of the world, subscribed to their magazine, and I’m pretty sure I joined some type of cult Wes: You joined a cult? Dan: Yes! I keep getting e-‐mails about meetings and I feel like there are people watching me everywhere I go Wes: Then just unsubscribe Dan: I can’t Wes; I’m in too deep! Cody: I got fired… Jessica: oh my god, are you okay? Cody: I don’t know Jessica: Where have you been?
Cody: I just came home, locked myself in the bathroom and started reading your tampons [Tampons say: LIVE FEARLESSLY! WALK LIKE A CHAMPION. BE UNSTOPPABLE.] Cody: They made me feel a little better. Emma: There’s a limit to douchery, don’t you remember what happened to Dan when he exceeded his douche limit? Past Cody: Why do you have two MacBook pros? Past Dan: Well one’s for school and looking for a job. The other is for music, and fun and-‐ Past Cody: Sweet you got a porn laptop! Past Dan: It’s not a porn laptop; it’s for leisure time. This way, I can only go on it when I need to take a break and not get distracted when I do work on my “work laptop” Past Emma: [coughs] Douche Past Dan: This is going to work! [Few months later] Past Wes: You all right? Past Dan: I dropped my MacBook pro Past Emma: Well, you’ve got two so-‐ Past Dan: I dropped it on my other one and they both broke Clay: I judge everyone by how they use the microwave Charlotte: What? Clay: Ok like Emma, she just presses start and goes about her life, pretty normal behavior. But then there’s Jessica who needs to stop it at an even number. There’s Dan who has to open the door exactly when the beep goes off or else he microwaves it for another ten seconds. Then there’s Wes, who tries to finish some sort of task during the time so that he can feel like he won a psychological race with an inanimate object. Then there are people, like Cody, who literally forget they even put something in the microwave and instead take a nap. Emma: Aren’t you getting a bit lazy? Jessica: Hey, I was just on the treadmill for like a half hour. And next time, I’ll turn it on, as soon as I finish this beer. Dan: I’m shit at talking to girls Clay: You’re not that bad mate Dan: I can hold a wet bar of soap better than a conversation Jessica: But what about the whole ‘It’s what’s on the inside that matters’ Cody: That’s only true if you’re talking about a refrigerator! Kavya: Don’t you think you’re being a bit unhealthy? Cody: No, no, I’m still getting all my vitamins because I’m on a strict diet of potatoes, and butter. Kavya: But aren’t you getting bored with that?
Cody: The possibilities of potatoes and butter are endless! Are you questioning my methods? Kavya: All you do is drench a potato in butter! Cody: Is this about how you think “I can’t believe it’s not butter” is not real butter? Kavya, we checked that today! Jessica: You can always live with Dan Cody: Nah, I don’t trust families that have “family game nights” Dan: It says on here that you can rap! Wes: I can rap…in sign language Dan: I wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target and people just thought I worked there Jessica: Oh my god, what did you do? Dan: Well I knew the answers so I helped them out. Jessica: Wait, is this why you were late to our dinner? Dan: If I keep this up long enough, I could be assistant manager Jessica: How’d your test go? Cody: I just gave up and wrote ‘Sorry’ at the bottom of the page Emma: Well did you get her a present? Wes: Well I don’t think I should have to Emma: Wes, she got you a huge bag of candy Wes: Black licorice isn’t candy, it’s a punishment Emma: You ate all of it! Wes: I was hungry Dan: Why is there falafel in the cookie jar? Wes: Yeah, and the beer cooler? Cody: My car hasn’t worked well in two weeks Jessica: What do you mean? Cody: For some reason, it can only turn left. I couldn’t afford to get it fixed so I’ve been driving it around for two weeks and mapping out routes that only involve left turns Jessica: That seems like a flawless plan Cody: That’s what I thought until Google Maps led me astray and I crashed into a falafel stand. Wes: But why did you put all the-‐ Cody: Because I’m still not really sure what falafel is! Will someone please explain it to me? Dan: What happened? Jessica: I’m banned from the library because of Judy Arnheim and her stupid new security
Emma: That is not why you’re banned Past Officer: Ma’am, we need to check your bag Past Jessica: To go into a library? Past Officer: Yes, please give me your bag Past Jessica: It’s a library. [Laughs] I’ve come here almost every day for the past 2 months Past Officer: We just need to make sure you don’t have any dangerous materials in there Past Jessica: I mean, besides my gun and the pound of weed, there really isn’t anything that bad-‐ Past Officer: Ma’am, step aside right now Past Jessica: I was kidding-‐ oh my god that’s an actual gun! Wes: Ok? I’m sorry. Can we start talking again? Emma: Yeah. That’s fine. Wes: Sorry I’ve been acting so bitter towards you Emma: That’s ok; I’ve been leaving crumbs in the butter all week to get back at you Clay: You’re getting a bit lazy mate Narrator: Clay was prompted to say this after he saw that Cody was using the packaged doorstop as a doorstop Dan: My parents still think Mozilla Firefox is a street gang Cody: So you’ll get a C! Jessica: A ‘C’? Why don’t I just sell crack and prostitute my body on the side of the train station? Cody: Probably would be better so that I don’t have to hear you whine about this paper all the freaking time Emma: People used to say I was a very graceful child. As graceful as a gazelle. But I guess I can’t really be sure because I’ve never met a gazelle. Wes: I think Knott’s Berry Farm just sent me a death threat SCREEN-‐ “YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED” Jessica: If one more person tells me I should “say thanks” on other days too and that this festival is pointless, then I am stuffing them in my turkey Dan: Where is he? Cody: Ok, I don’t want you to get mad but-‐ Dan: What did you do? Cody: I looked away for like 5 seconds and he was gone! Emma: Well that’s just not true, you took a nap Dan: You took a nap? At 7 pm? Cody: What, like there’s a rule against it?
Dan: Dammit Cody, he could be anywhere! Emma: Oh tell him about the gun! Dan: The gun!? Cody: No it’s not like it sounds, it was a water gun Dan: wait what-‐ Cody: Filled with vodka Dan: A water gun filled with –that’s genius Cody: Thank you Dan: So my 7-‐year-‐old mentee is running around with a gun loaded with vodka? Cody: It’s a very real possibility, yes Emma: What? You were in Scotland and you didn’t send me anything? Jessica: It’s ok, I sent you a Scottish guy. I was going to overnight him but I thought a little starvation might do him some good Emma: Are you sending me an overweight Scott? Jessica: I mean, if he’s not here by now, I can’t promise he’s not dead to be honest. Dan: You overuse the word ‘infamy’ Wes: What, no I don’t Past Wes: That’s infamy! [To teacher’s homework assignment] Past Wes: I hope they all live in infamy [referring to coffee shop with no milk available] Past Wes: This day shall remain in infamy [as he finishes bag of chips and dips at the same time] Wes: That last one was legitimate! Dan: No one believes you Wes Wes: I finished them both at the same ti-‐ Dan: And then we found tortilla chips in the garbage can-‐ Wes: Those were a different brand and they-‐ Dan: We’re not having this argument again! Emma: What are you doing? Cody: Christmas drinking Emma: What? Cody: It’s a thing Emma: No its’ not; you can’t just make something up and call it a thing Cody: You’ll be regretting it once it sweeps the nation Emma: There’s no way! Wes: What’s up? Cody: I’m going to turn Christmas into a drinking holiday Wes: Well it already is for lonely women that live with their cats and Nicolas Cage, probably Emma: Christmas is about family and friends Cody: And how are we supposed to deal with family and friends without some festive joy in our hands? Emma: You’re an idiot
Cody: That’s what they said about St. Patrick’s Day, probably. But now, it even spread to Ireland Wes: What exactly do we do in this version of Christmas? Cody: You drink every time your family makes you self-‐conscious, you feel alone, you’re too broke to buy something or you hear a Christmas song Emma: When you hear a Christmas song? What’s so bad about that? Cody: Oh nothing, that’s just for the annoying, happy people that aren’t alone or broke. They should have a reason to drink too. Emma: I should leave before I try to kill you Cody: Laugh at me now but this Christmas season, I will make sure everyone has a reason to drink Emma: Merry Christmas! Wes: Thanks. Is this a tie? Is this my tie? Emma: Technically I didn’t steal it Wes: Did you go into my closet? Emma: Calm down, I already knew about your Golden Girls DVD collection Dan: Once I wanted to be Asian so badly that I went to school and squinted for an entire day Dan: I wasn’t that bad was I? Clay: You woke us all up and made us watch Die Hard Cody: All four. And you quoted all of it, every voice Clay: I wanted you die hard at some point Dan: Oh my god Cody: Yeah and then you mixed all the cereals together in a bucket, bought like 4 cartons of milk and ate all of it Past Dan: So magically delicious. Where are you going? Past Clay: I have to go to the bathroom Past Dan: No, no, no, no you can’t, this is the best part of Die Hard Past Clay: You haven’t even been watching! Past Dan: Sit down! [Grabs his leg] Past Clay: No! Dan, I have to pee! Past Dan: You are the master of your bladder, Clay, don’t miss Die Hard! Pee here! Past Clay: What? Where would I-‐ [stares at bucket of cereal] Dan: You didn’t Clay: I can neither confirm nor deny that Cody: Your stomach probably can Jessica: Oh shut up! Wes: What? Jessica: Why do guys act like they’ve committed a great humanitarian deed when they say, “I like curvy girls”. Like congratulations, would you like a gold star you tremendous, selfless feminist
Wes: Oh this must be another episode of “Getting offended at anything anyone says ever” starring Jessica Amos. Jessica: [Sneezes] Jessica: I don’t get it! Wes: What don’t you get? Past Emma: [SNEEZES] Person 1: Bless you Person 2: Bless you Everyone: Bless you Past Jessica: [SNEEZES] Person 1: Shhh… Wes: Maybe it’s because your sneeze sounds more like a death metal scream Jessica: What suddenly my sneezes aren’t cute enough for you? Cody: You need four types of people after a break-‐up. You need a distractor who won’t put up with your emotional crap-‐ Wes: Oh can I be-‐ Clay: I can do that-‐ Cody: -‐which will be Emma, of course. Sorry, she called ahead and asked. You’ll also need a sympathetic friend that actually wants to be there for you and help you out and will listen to that sadness within. [SILENCE] Clay: No I got that. I’m here for you man. Cody: I will be the binge. Wes: The what? Cody: Whenever you start overthinking, you take a shot and then you eat a plate of food. I am here daily with your alcohol and food needs, provided that you pay for it. And that you share. Clay: This is quickly turning from self-‐less to selfish don’t you think? Wes: More like Man Vs. Food. Cody: And finally, you’ll need someone who hates Jessica to remind you why you’re a better person than her. Clay: What? Wes: I can do that. Clay: You hate Jessica? Wes: I mean I can. She was my ex and I can draw from history. Cody: Yeah, that and the fact that she was a selfish, cowardly bitch. Clay: Maybe you should tell us how you really feel. Wes: I think someone needs a shot. Cody: Hey, stick to your job! I’m gonna go on an alcohol run. I’m getting vodka and rum and beer and this time, it’s on me buddy. Dan: Thanks. Cody: Can I talk to you two in private for a second? Clay: Just take the money [hands him $20] Wes: Here [hands him $20]
Wes: This woman at Sainsbury's today thought I was stealing bananas because I walked too close to the door. Like first of all, I would be the worst thief ever, I can’t even find my own stuff half the time. If I ever tried to rob someone, I'd probably call my mom up to ask for help. Jessica: Well I’ll come with you Cody: I’m getting a snack Jessica: I could go for a midnight snack Cody: Ok I know a snack is like a few crackers for you but for me it’s like a dozen cookies and a large pizza Clay: Sometimes I think Netflix is the only thing that truly knows me Jessica: Yeah, he’s real manly Past Jessica: Dan, where’d you go? Dan what are you-‐ Past Dan: Should I try to kill this spider or should I just kill myself instead? Clay: I think if one object had to characterize my childhood, it would be a wooden spoon Cody: Why did you cook a lot? Narrator: Whenever Clay had done something bad, the thing he feared above all was the wooden spoon Past Clay [dirt and soil all over carpet from trying to plant a flower in the carpert] Past Mr. Parker [grabs wooden spoon] Play Clay: Nooooooo Clay: Yeah, I made really good stir-‐fry Jessica: What if we dated? Cody: Ew, no. That is disgusting -‐ Jessica: Excuse me? Cody: I’m trying to eat-‐ Jessica: I’m not disgusting, screw you! You know you’ve thought about it Cody: Once Jessica: Once? When? Past Chipotle worker: Anything else? Past Cody: Nah, I really shouldn’t get guac Past Jessica: Get guac Past Cody [smiles and stares at her affectionately] Jessica: [deadpan stare] really? Really? Emma [laughing]: You used to think you were superman! Clay [laughing]: Oh yeah Clay [stops laughing and whispers]: I still do Clay [opens door and finds a cabbage with a note on it saying “Don’t come in”] Clay: What the hell is this?
Wes: I couldn’t find a sock Clay: What you just think I’m going to start taking orders from a cabbage? Cody: I just, I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I want to get laid but is it worth this? Wes: If I went on a date with a girl who spent half an hour at Whole Foods to instagram pictures of her lunch, you can do this Cody: A half hour? Wes: Yeah she couldn’t decide between toaster and early bird Cody: Oh is that what your song “For god sakes no one takes toaster seriously” is about? Wes: How’s it going? Jessica: Well so far I’ve stress-‐eaten an entire bag of your really weird nuts, where the hell did you get these? Wes: That’s potpourri Charlotte: Well this is nice; it’s a great restaurant Clay: Yeah, our waiter seems cool Javier: The entire concept of eating out is so bourgeois Emma: What is going on? Wes [points to Classy the dog in the corner surrounded by pringle cans], Classy’s afraid of Pringle cans Emma: No I meant Dan Dan [crouching on the kitchen tabletop with a bat]: He’s hiding from Classy Cody: Ok fine, I admit it! I am – Emma: Say it Cody: I’m-‐ Emma: Cody! Cody: I’m in love! OK? All right? Are you happy? Emma: Hah! I [gets up and twists his ear] told you so! Jessica: What are you doing? Emma: We invented a new way of saying “I told you so” Cody: you invented – you invented a new way Jessica: why? Emma: Because this is more fun! Cody: [grumbles] Jessica: Can I join? [Silence] Emma: So when did you first realize you loved her? Cody: I think it happened when we spent all night stu-‐ Jessica: Why are you guys ignoring me? Emma: You can’t join Cody: You’re an “I told you” abuser
Jessica: What? No I’m not! [Later] Wes: What’s wrong? Jessica: I’m an “I told you abuser” Wes: No you’re not, you’re totally fine, you just say it a little more than the average person, and actually more than the above average person now that I think about it, it’s really annoying, you should stop, it makes people hate you Emma: It was the most boring date ever! He didn’t interrupt me and talk once! II started making up stories about cats. Do you realize what that means when I start making up stories of cats? Wes: Why didn’t you ask him if he has anything to say? Emma: I did Past Emma: So then my fifth cat Andre took my sock and I wore mismatched socks to work that day. Do you have anything to add? Past Kevin: No, I just like listening to you talk Emma: I wanted to kill myself Clay: If you trap someone and you both have two beers together, it’s impossible for them not to like you Jessica: Trap them? Clay: Yes. It’s the two ingredients to a happy relationship, force and inebriation. Emma: So? How was your date? Past Clay: I like your dress Past Charlotte: Thanks. Yeah, me too, it has so many pockets Past Clay: I too…enjoy…pockets