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Brown Bagger

This section is set up to provide a ready-made Brown Bag Session for you to use with employees and/or managers. Use as is, or adapt this information for a general employee group. You may reproduce as many copies as needed.

Explaining Shocking Events to Children

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he war in Iraq. 9/11. The Virginia Tech shootings. Adults and children alike are routinely bombarded with images of death and destruction. How are children supposed to deal with these things when adults struggle in sorting out their feelings in these uncertain and often scary times? What is a parent supposed to do? How can an EAP help?

There really is no simple way to completely understand murderous acts. People hurting people simply doesn’t make sense. Children’s minds are routinely jammed with negative images, so acknowledge their worries and uncertainties. Reassure them that their feelings are normal. Adults may heavily influence children’s reactions. Parents and other adults can focus on the negative and essentially tell the child that the world is a scary place — or they can remain as upbeat as possible, and enable a child to see that the world, despite its problems, can still be a safe place.

to hear expressions of anger, hopelessness, or helplessness.

Talk with Other Adults Adults have been made to feel helpless over current events. We’ve had to camouflage our grief and outrage with indifference because there is so little room in society for a full expression of healthy protest. Remember the hopes we had as children that the world would be loving, safe, and just? We need to allow our thoughts and feelings about loved ones, and our longing for safety and justice, to lead to emotional releases such as crying, etc. And we need to do this with other adults. We won’t communicate well with children unless we take the time to express our own feelings.

Furthermore, it’s important for children to see that adults care about people. If you’re upset, go ahead and cry openly, but do so without a detailed explanation of your feelings. “I’m sad about something I heard on the news,” is fine, along with, “I just need to cry for a little while to get the sadness out.” What children don’t need is

Exercise: Are employees’ children exploring their feelings about these uncertain times? If so, what are they doing? If not, what types of activities could they get involved in that might help?

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Exercise: How can an EAP help employees safely unload any pent-up feelings they may be experiencing?

Other Things to Remember Children need comforting and frequent reassurance that they’re safe, so make sure that you give it to them. Provide activities for children that help them explore their feelings, such as classroom discussions; music, art, or drama projects; or community-service projects. It’s also important to remember that activities need to be tailored to different age groups (more on that in the following section).

Children need to Express Feelings Even if a parent IS able to restrict TV viewing (see the following section), realize that if your child has become frightened by the words or images he/she HAS seen, he/she will find ways to express his/her fears in some way, shape, or form. For example, your child may get upset over not getting to sit on your lap during dinnertime.

It’s important to listen and reassure the child during an instance like this. “You can sit on my lap right after dinner,” said with a relaxed tone, will let the child’s feelings of fear and tensions EA Report Brown Bagger 1

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Children actually need incidents like these to serve as “can openers” for the feelings they’ve stored up. They may choose either a safe family time, like dinnertime or bedtime, or a challenging time like leaving for school or daycare, to unload their feelings before they can again feel that they’re safe.

When you listen, expect their bad feelings to last awhile. Don’t be concerned when they’re having intense feelings even though you’re being warm and loving. This is actually a sign of a normal and healthy family.

Also, don’t mention the crisis that you think may be attached to their feelings. Children’s emotional releases can be stopped cold by misinterpretations. Don’t overanalyze. It works better to simply discuss the issue at hand. The following are some age-specific suggestions: Grade-school age Children Expect questions from this age group. Try to answer them in simple and clear language. Use a map or globe to illustrate where a city, state, or country is located. Also, explain that the police and many others are working hard to keep Americans safe.

If a child is concerned about a family member, such as a parent serving overseas, don’t tell them not to worry. Explain that a lot of people are concerned about Mom or Dad’s safety, and that Mom or Dad have practiced their job a lot to help keep them safe.

• Be honest. False reassurance doesn’t help this age group. Don’t say that nobody will die. Children know this isn’t true. Instead say something like, “Adults are working very hard to make things safe.”

• Monitor TV viewing. Young children don’t need to know all the details. They can become terrified by exposure to graphic images. As a result, limit the amount of news coverage they see. Schedule an alternate activity during the news hour without calling attention to your real concern. A walk around the block, homework, a good movie on the DVD player, or a fun dinner around the table won’t necessarily make kids feel like they’re being restricted.

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• Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know.”

Keeping an open dialogue with children includes not being afraid to say that you don’t have all the answers. You may explain that war is very complicated and things happen that even adults don’t understand.

Middle- and High-school age Youth Plan for shared time in front of a national newscast. Because the war in Iraq, shootings, and other items in the news will likely be discussed in school on a regular basis, your teen may be more ready to talk when he or she gets home than you might guess. This is a good opportunity for conversation. Get teens to open up about what they’ve heard. Use the opportunity to correct any misinformation they may have picked up.

• Discussing history with this age group can help put war and politics into perspective.

• This age group may ask technical or even grisly questions. Take each question seriously, and do the best you can to answer it.

• Encourage them to work out their own positions on the war or other shocking event — even if it differs from your own. This is an age when kids are developing personal ethics and morals, a process you can support with open discussion and debate.

Helping Children Cope with Loss The death of a loved one is always difficult.

When the death results from a war or disaster, it can be even more troubling given the sudden and potentially violent nature of the event. For children, the loss of a parent, sibling, relative, or friend can affect their sense of security. Helping children cope with their loss is crucial in enabling them to resume their lives, both at home and at school.

Children deal with death in many different ways, and not necessarily in the same manner as adults. The following are some common ways that children might respond to a death: • Sadness; • Denial, shock, and confusion; • Anger and irritability; • Inability to sleep and/or nightmares; • Loss of appetite; • Fear of being alone; • Physical complaints, such as stomachaches and headaches; July 2007

• Loss of concentration; • Guilt over failure to prevent the loss; • Depression or a loss of interest in daily activities; • Acting much younger for an extended period or reverting to earlier behaviors (e.g. bedwetting, “baby talk,” or thumb sucking); • Excessively boisterous play; • Sharp drop in school performance or truancy; • Repeatedly imitating or asking questions about the deceased or making repeated statements about wanting to join the deceased; • Inventing games about dying; and • Profound emotional reactions (e.g. anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, or thoughts of suicide).

Exercise: Have any employees in the company or organization been killed in Iraq or in a recent disaster? If so, are employees’ children exhibiting any of these behaviors?

Helping Children and Teens Grieve Children express their grief in a variety of ways and may even appear to be unaffected by the death. While pre-schoolers have difficulty understanding that death is not temporary, children between the ages of 5 and 9 begin to experience grief more like adults.

However, don’t push children to talk about their feelings. Children, like adults, need time to grieve and be upset. Let them know you are ready to listen, and provide reassurance and validation of their feelings when they express them.

The following are some issues to consider when helping a child overcome loss: • Children are concrete in their thinking.

To lessen confusion, avoid expressions such as “passed on” or “went to sleep.” Answer questions simply and honestly. Offer only details they can understand. Don’t overload them with information.

• Children can be fearful about death and the future. Give them a chance to talk July 2007

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Share happy memories about the person who died. Offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.

• Children need choices. Whenever possible, offer choices in what they do or don’t do to memorialize the deceased and ways to express their feelings about the death. For example, help the child plant a tree or dedicate a place in memory of the person who died.

• Children grieve as part of a family.

Children grieve the person and the “changed” behavior and environment of family and friends. Keep regular routines as much as possible.

• Children are repetitive in their grief.

Respond patiently to their uncertainty and concerns. It may take a long time to recover from a loss. Expect their grief to resurface in cycles throughout their childhood or adolescence. A strong reminder, such as the anniversary of a death, may reawaken grief.

Make yourself available to talk during these times.

Exercise: How might the child be grieving differently than parents or other relatives? Can the EAP assist in helping everyone involved grieve as a family?

Summary EAPs and parents know that it takes a great deal of love, work, and commitment to keep a family together. In fact, the skills that EAPs can help parents develop are precisely what’s needed to heal our anxiety-laden communities — one person at a time.

Sources: National Mental Health Association; and Patty Wipfler, founder and executive director of Hand in Hand (formerly the Parents Leadership Institute). This organization, located online at www.handinhandparenting.org,helps parents acquire the skills they need to build and rebuild close connections with their children.

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Brown Bagger H A N D O U T Developing a ‘Mutual’ Divorce Story

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ar and disasters aren’t the only traumatic experiences that affect children. Divorce is a much more common one — and it’s one that parents sometimes make worse by delaying the truth or not being honest when they do reveal that they’re splitting up. One of the most important steps that parents can take is to develop, together, a “mutual story of the divorce,” and tell it to their children together as a family at the same time.

Otherwise, children will not only be hearing two different stories, they’ll be hearing DIFFERENT stories. This only breeds confusion and mistrust. It’s understandable that each parent will have his or her version of the reasons for the break-up. However, children believe there can only be one truth about a given matter. The concept that there may be multiple reasons is beyond the grasp of most kids, so it’s essential to help children hear only one mutual and consistent story about why their parents are splitting up.

Many parents are hesitant to come up with a mutual story about their divorce. Resist the temptation to blame the other parent, and focus instead on the well-being of the children. If parents work together in the divorce, even if they weren’t able to work together in their marriage, the children will benefit.

Remember that even if the children’s first wish (that Mom and Dad will get back together) can’t come true, their second wish (that Mom and Dad will cooperate and not fight) CAN come true. But it’s up to the parents to make that happen.

The following are examples of several mutual divorce stories that might sound something like this: Mutual Divorce Story #1 “We have been married for 13 years, and we both love you (children) very much. We used to also love each other a lot, and we still care about each other. We’ve tried to make it better. We went to counseling.

We’ve tried, but it just hasn’t worked. We each feel we’ll be happier living apart from one another, and that we will be better parents if we live apart and are happier. We will both be with you regularly and continue to take care of you, but at different houses.”

Mutual Divorce Story #2 “It seems that we have grown apart and have very different interests. We don’t make each other happy living together and, as you know, we just fight when we are around each other. We know that you kids really hate that. We decided that we would be better off living apart. The fighting will stop, and we will be happier. We both still love you very much, even if we don’t love each other enough to live together anymore.”

Summary The idea is to give children a basic statement as to the reasons for the separation, while sparing them the details. The story should be one in which neither parent is a “bad guy.” In this way, each parent will be able to continue a separate but loving relationship with the children.

Source: Donald Saposnek, Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist and child custody mediator. He is a national and international trainer in mediation and child development. He may be reached at (831) 476-9225, www.mediate.com/dsaposnek.

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