brownbag-june2011

Brown Bagger

This section is set up to provide a ready-made Brown Bag Session for you to use with employees and/or managers. Use as is, or adapt this information for a general employee group. You may reproduce as many copies as needed.

Grief Response

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How a Company can Cope with Grieving & Death

lthough death is a fact of life, we live in a youth-obsessed, death-denying society. As a result, few people want to talk about death, let alone deal with it. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge grief since it can extend in the workplace long after the death has occurred.

Whether death is expected or not, employees may find it difficult to cope with their grief. Managers need to be compassionate and understanding as they help employees balance their grief with workplace demands. The goal of this article is to offer suggestions in supporting managers, coworkers, and bereaved employees.

Grief is a Touchy Topic Grief is a delicate issue that affects all of us differently. Certainly, when we lose a loved one such as a husband, wife, or other close family member, co-workers and managers are likely to understand that we are experiencing a significant amount of grief.

But what about when it’s a co-worker who died? Some people will experience a greater degree of loss when a work colleague dies, than when a relative that passes away. For instance, let’s say that “Sue” was good friends with “Matt,” a co-worker that Sue saw every day. Sue had coffee breaks with Matt, they enjoyed talking about their spouses and kids, and they even had a drink together after work from time to time.

Conversely, let’s suppose that Sue’s nephew, “Brad” died around the same time of year. Brad was a family member that Sue only saw at a handful of holidays each year. This is not saying that Sue didn’t miss Brad, mind you; the point is, her loss was actually greater in the instance in which one might have thought her grief would have been less.

In other words, anyone not close to the situation would have assumed (incorrectly in this case) that Sue grieved Brad more than Matt because Brad was family, and Matt wasn’t.

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But people grieve differently, and if Sue saw Matt a LOT more than Brad, it stands to reason that she might have had a closer relationship with her colleague, than a family member she didn’t have much contact with. Put yet another way, people shouldn’t assume that an individual would automatically grieve a family member more than someone who wasn’t flesh and blood.

Sue must come to grips with the loss of Matt, and not just Brad. Moreover, it’s likely that other co-workers, not just Sue, were also struggling with Matt’s death – and they needed help in adjusting to work life without him, too. The following are some general recommendations, followed by more specific advice.

Signs of Grief Although grief is a unique process, there are some common physical symptoms, such as: • Sensitivity to noise; • Changes in appetite; • Headaches; • Neck and shoulder pain; • Rashes; and • Tension.

Other reactions may include bowel and bladder disturbances, ulcers, nausea, and sleep disturbances. Work-related indicators could also include: • Excessive absenteeism and/or chronic tardiness; • Personality changes; and/or • Significant decline in quality of work.

Tips for Supervisors & Managers v Understand the Family and Medical Leave Act, and create or update a corporate bereavement policy and distribute it to all managers.

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Brown Bagger v Utilize Employee Assistance Programs. v Disclose information about the death to staff based on the grieving family’s (or employee’s) wishes. v Arrange for a company meeting to allow employees to share their feelings. v Contact the appropriate individual as soon as possible to express condolences. v Ask about funeral arrangements and if any staff will be attending a funeral or memorial service. v Choose someone to serve as a family liaison to organize the company’s expression of sympathy. Depending on the culture, send individual cards or a single card signed by staff, in addition to flowers, food tray, fruit basket, or money for a charitable donation. v Work with the deceased employee’s immediate supervisor to provide flexible work hours for bereaved employees. Redistribute workload if necessary, but express appreciation for any extra work that co-workers take on.

Shortly After an Employee Dies v Designate a co-worker to clean out the employee’s workstation. v Place flowers on the individual’s desk for a designated period of time. v Contact next of kin to retrieve personal items. v Create an office memory book for the deceased employee’s family. v Bring in a grief counselor, such as an EA professional, to talk with staff. However, employees and managers/supervisors should be aware that grief response and crisis response is not the same thing.

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The Etiquette of Sympathy Whether the loss is that of a spouse, parent, child, co-worker or friend, grief is an issue that confronts everyone at some point. However, it’s often difficult to know what to say or do when someone dies. First, it’s important to do something. Many of us are so uncomfortable with death that we don’t do anything. Don’t make that mistake. Any gesture is comforting. v Offer food and other daily living items. Grocery shopping and making meals are the last things that a grieving individual wants to worry about. A thoughtful colleague might call and ask, “I’m going to the grocery store. What do you need?” Certainly, the response might be a baffled, “I have no idea.”

Even if this happens, it needn’t stop a kind, generous person from helping. In this case, the co-worker filled her care with everything from fresh fruit and vegetables to paper towels and toilet tissue – even pet food! Most bereaved people will greatly appreciate such thoughts from the heart! v Be specific when you offer to help. Along similar lines, it’s easy to say, “If there’s anything you need, call.” The problem is, while the person’s intentions may be genuine, the grieving individual may not know what to say. Do you like pets? You might offer to walk your co-worker’s dog. Are you good with your hands? Another colleague handy with household repairs could offer to help if anything needed fixing around the bereaved person’s home. When people are clear on what they can do, it’s easier for the bereaved to know where to turn for help. v What to say when you don’t know what to say. While doing specific things for the bereaved is great, it isn’t mandatory. Don't worry if death leaves you struggling with what to say. Simply say, “I’m sorry.” The fact that you are acknowledging the loss means a lot. Do the best you can and know that your condolences are appreciated. If the grieving employee wants to discuss the loss, ask what he/she is doing at home that brings comfort. Listen as he/she shares individual ways of coping with the death of a loved one. v Make a note of the date of the death. Later on, honor the anniversary with a note or call that says you haven’t forgotten. As Deb Kosmer noted in this month's cover article in EAR; for some grievers the June 2011

second year after the death is actually harder than the first, because by then the reality that the loved one is never coming home is finally becoming clearer.

When Losses Occur Around Holidays The loss of a co-worker, manager or supervisor, especially at a small, tight-knit company, can be especially difficult around various holidays, especially if the occasion was a particularly joyful one for the deceased. However, there are some practical steps that managers and EAPs can take to help boost morale and keep productivity from plummeting.

Choose Rituals Wisely Decide which holiday customs feel right, and which ones seem too stressful. Some traditions, such as a couples’ dinner and dance event at the same country club where everyone has partied for years, might seem like a downer for the group. Fun-loving Jennifer will be missed, and her bereaved husband would probably feel uncomfortable attending solo.

Ask employees for alternative suggestions, perhaps an event held on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, with parents and children invited. Such camaraderie would likely be very healing, especially for Jennifer’s family.

Memorial Gifts Rather than the time-worn gift exchange among employees, ask staff to consider giving a gift to a cause or charity that was important to the deceased employee. If Jennifer was an animal lover, you might choose the local humane society. Compassionate initiatives, like donating to a charity, help employees work through the grieving process.

The Empty Chair At a monthly staff meeting, go ahead and leave the deceased employee's chair in its usual spot. Everyone is feeling the impact of the empty chair, so why not take time to acknowledge the loss? Ask each employee to say something about Jennifer, at least if they are comfortable doing so. They might share a fond or funny remembrance – or, perhaps a co-worker will want to express some of the ways that Jennifer is missed.

For instance: “Jennifer always had a knack for knowing when to bring in donuts when we were all feeling pretty stressed” or, “If you had a problem on the job, you could always count on Jennifer pitching in to help you out, no matter how busy she was.”

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Brown Bagger Validate each person’s approach, and reaffirm that together you will all get through this time of sadness.

Grief is a Process Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that each person deals with a major loss in our own way and on our own timetable. Camaraderie and support can be powerful healers within an office.

But while one worker might have deep faith from which to draw to sustain him/her, another person might feel “rocked to the core.”

Be aware of triggers that can bring on a grief attack. For example, perhaps a long-time customer calls to wish Jennifer a happy holiday and needs to be told of her recent passing. Be gentle and honor where people are at in their journey through grief.

Grief Support Meetings If the emotions in coping with the death are adversely affecting productivity in certain employees, grief support meetings led by an EAP and/or other resources may be helpful.

Don’t be Afraid to Celebrate Even when a recent death has turned your workplace upside down, it’s still OK to enjoy a holiday or other special occasion. When we’re mourning, we sometimes feel guilty about laughing and having a good time. For instance, let’s assume that Jennifer died on June 20, so management decided to cancel the annual Fourth of July BBQ. But is this really a good idea, especially if Independence Day was one of Jennifer’s favorite holidays? Give yourself permission to experience occasions like these. Life is too short not to. Besides, you’ll be honoring the memory of the employee.

Summary In the workplace, there are countless opportunities to be a caring presence in someone’s life. We all have the capacity to be a healing force in some way, shape or form.  Additional sources: Barbara Rubel, director of the Griefwork Center, www.griefworkcenter.com; Karla Wheeler, founder of Quality of Life Publishing, www.qolpublishing.com; and Lydia Ramsey, a business etiquette expert, www.mannsersthatsell.com.

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Brown Bagger HANDOUT Remember, Any Gesture is Helpful... v Attend the funeral or memorial service if possible. Your presence is a sign of support. Even if you can’t speak directly to the family, you can sign the guest book, and they will know you cared enough to show up. v Make a contribution to the charity indicated by the family. Honor the wishes of the deceased. If you missed the funeral notice, call the funeral home. They’ll have a record. v Write a personal note of condolence as soon as possible. Such notes are a source of great comfort to most people. Some persons simply acknowledge

their sorrow for the loss. Others may describe what the deceased individual meant to them personally.

Commercial sympathy cards are equally cherished, but be sure to add a short personal note. v Send flowers unless the family specifies otherwise. Flowers add warmth and are visual reminders of support. Flowers and personal gifts may continue to arrive in someone's home even weeks later. That’s ok; never think you’re too late if you don’t send them right away. Flowers and gifts received later still confirm that neither the bereaved individual, nor his or her pain, have been forgotten.

...Comforting a Bereaved Co-worker Comforting a grieving co-worker is not easy.

Pay close attention to your own prejudices about certain types of death and the way people are supposed to react after a loss. The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all grief response. Be mindful of your own feelings as you offer support.

1) Expect a range of emotions from tears and sadness to no reaction at all.

2) Listen to your colleague as he or she shares what happened again and again.

3) Respect an employee’s privacy if he or she does not want to talk about what happened.

4) Offer specific assistance such as cooking a meal or helping with shopping.

5) Include the co-worker in social plans and let him or her decide whether to accept or decline the invitation.

6) Recognize a co-worker’s reduced job performance for a while.

7) Avoid being judgmental of how the co-worker grieves.

8) Remind the bereaved to find ways to cope that don’t include alcohol and other drugs.

9) Share if you have suffered a similar loss, but keep your story short and focus on the co-worker’s grief.

10) Center on your co-worker’s beliefs and not your own.

Source: Barbara Rubel, director of the Griefwork Center, www.griefworkcenter.com.

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