Brown Bagger
This section is set up to provide a ready-made Brown Bag Session for you to use with employees and/or managers. Use as is, or adapt this information for a general employee group. You may reproduce as many copies as needed.
Sharing Parenting and Making it Work t’s easy to talk about the importance of balancing work and family, but such “balance” is a myth for many families, especially for women. The fact is, most women eventually move into the “executive” ranks of parenting, regardless of whether they join the 45% of new mothers who stay at home, or the 55% employed outside the home. More than 60% of the men in the dual-income households that sociologist Arlie Hochschild studied performed between zero and 30% of the child care and household duties. Scores of other studies have yielded similar findings — men do more than they used to at home, but they still do far less than women. In fact, Hochschild found that, compared to their husbands, employed mothers work the equivalent of a “second shift” attending to child care and household responsibilities. The so-called “mommy trap” snares a mother whenever: • She takes on parenting or household responsibilities that result in more unpaid work, and has less leisure and personal time than she would like, particularly compared to her husband. • She does nothing to change the situation beyond expressing anger, bitterness, and resignation. • Inherited preconceptions prevent her and her family from finding a solution to their problem — including those about what men and women can and should do, and how child and household care should be performed.
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The term “mommy trap” should not be construed as undermining the importance of parenting. Far from it! Rather, it describes a failure to understand the wide range of options available to modern parents. It Takes Two Have you ever heard this one? “I don’t know how she does it. It’s much harder to take care of February 2008
the kids than it is to work. I could never do it as well as she does.” Of course women are better at tending to child and home — they’ve had all the practice! Women’s perceived superiority in childrearing turns out to be largely a matter of environment. Our current division of parental labor doesn’t allow men to see how good they can get at taking care of children. Most dads stay home for a couple of days to maybe a week after a baby is born, and then go back to their jobs. This lack of involvement occurs as a result of the way we structure our lives. But it doesn’t have to work that way — take the example of Marjorie and Jake Pappas. Jake lost his job during the eighth month of Marjorie’s pregnancy, and her salary alone would not pay for both their mortgage payment and daycare. They decided Jake would stay home with their baby, at least until he found a new job. After some initial “bumps in the road,” Jake started to master baby care. In fact, Jake took great pleasure in seeing that baby Benjamin needed and enjoyed him. Marjorie admitted that Jake developed more parenting skills than she ever imagined he would. This is no fluke. A study by the Yale University Study Center demonstrated that fathers who are given the chance to nurture have similar experiences. Over the course of 10 years, the study followed 18 families in which fathers served as the primary parent or shared child care with their wives. Some of the dads took on the role voluntarily, others reluctantly. In both cases, all of the fathers formed deep attachments with their children. Additional results revealed that: • Children with dads actively involved during the first eight weeks of life manage stress better as they get older. • Children who receive quality and quantity attention from two parents are more independent, secure, and develop more problemsolving, personal, and social skills than the norm. EA Report Brown Bagger 1
Brown Bagger The Official Message is Wrong Of course putting this idea into practice is easier said than done. While more men participate in labor and delivery than they used to, the fact remains that, before long, the prevailing mindset often reverts to: • Women who think they should take as much time as they can professionally and financially afford, to be with their babies; and • Men who think they should go back to work as soon as possible and provide for their families. American fathers typically take a week or less off from work after the birth of a baby, while American moms take six weeks on average. By the time a mother who takes even a three-month maternity leave returns to work, she may be up to nine months ahead of her husband in knowledge of and involvement with their child. This difference will probably make dad less inclined to share child care regardless of whether mom returns to work or stays home. As a result: • The best way to ensure dad’s participation is to provide him time alone with his infant, as often and as early as possible. • In fact, often the first three months determine the relationship a father will have with his child. • Consider the millions of dollars that people spend on videotapes, musical recordings for in-the-womb stimulation, etc. If people really wanted smarter, more capable babies, they would simply arrange for dad to spend more time at home! It seems clear that moms are doing too much (as if working mothers needed to be told that), and dads, while they’re doing better, still often don’t do enough. What can be done to even the playing field? The following are some strategies for workers and employers alike: X Overcome outdated workplace thinking — American corporate culture often values the number of hours worked more than anything else. This notion demonstrates a misguided workplace norm that makes working mothers who need time off less successful in their careers than their male 2 EA Report Brown Bagger
counterparts. The majority of businesses require more than a 9-to-5 commitment, promoting employees who put in the most hours of “face time.” Workers shouldn’t have to make this choice. Fortunately, an increasing number of companies on “best places to work” lists understand that this type of thinking is outdated — that efficiency and productivity are more important than overtime. If you work in an environment where face time is given too high a priority, you may want to raise the issue of emphasizing performance-based evaluations, or allowing additional personal time, or leave. An EAP may be able to help. The point is, if enough employees (male and female) speak out against unnecessary time requirements, employers will have to make some concessions. Compromises must work both ways — if employees have to sometimes put their employer’s needs ahead of their own, companies must also be willing to put their employees first. X Create more tax credits — A tax credit for part-time or stay-at-home parents of children ages three and younger, limited to those with uppermiddle-class incomes and below, would help give more time at home to those who can use it most. In addition, a double credit for men would encourage fathers to do more child care and less paid work. If they can help provide income for the family in the form of a tax break, men can honor the old provider model, as well as their newfound nurturing role. X Allow longer and paid maternity leave — Most maternity leaves in the U.S. are not familyfriendly. Workers should push for paid and longer maternity leaves, emphasizing the needs of the changed workforce, and the costs employers absorb when they lose valuable employees who cannot meet all of their responsibilities at home and at work. A Families and Work Institute study found that it costs between 150% and 70% of annual salaries to replace managers and non-managers, respectively. However, the average cost of supporting a maternity leave is just 32% of an annual salary. Either employers can foot the bill (which actually represents a savings in the long term), or temporary disability insurance plans can be purchased, which already exist in some states. Amendments to the Family and Medical Leave Act would also help. February 2008
X Everyone needs to see the bigger picture — Forcing women to take vacation and sick leave to have babies is wrong. Society benefits from and could not continue without women having babies. Society also benefits when parents raise children right — and it pays when parents raise them poorly. Children whose parents lack paid leave or flexible hours are two-to-three times more likely to end up with reading, math, and behavioral problems. Somewhere along the line, we end up paying for someone else’s kids in some way. Why not do so up front, in a way that will make our futures better? X Offer more career breaks — It might seem undesirable for companies to keep jobs open for employees who take a leave of absence. However, career breaks (e.g. employees who take time off work) have proven successful in Europe. Dow Benelux, a Netherlands company, regularly informs workers on career breaks about developments in their fields, and about job openings. It also provides refresher courses on re-entry to the company, and the option of working for other employees during holidays or illness. National Westminster Bank, a United Kingdom employer, requires career breakers to work a minimum of two weeks a year. The bank allows career breakers with particularly good job performance re-entry at the same pay scale, while it offers those without such stellar work records jobs from waiting lists. The bank also holds seminars on banking issues for career breakers each year, recognizing that they can become isolated and out of touch. X Provide pro-rated part-time benefits — Benefits can be a huge stumbling block for couples that want to work fewer hours but can’t due to the loss of health insurance, and other benefits. Pro-rated benefits for part-time employees working 20 or more hours a week would make part-time work more attractive for parents and others who have child care and/or eldercare responsibilities. Again, family-friendly companies high on lists of “great places to work” are ahead of the curve in already offering this arrangement. X Offer tax credits for flexible employers — The government should provide tax incentives to employers when employees use family-friendly
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Brown Bagger policies such as part-time work; flextime; work-athome, parental leave; and career breaks. The tax code could award a double credit every time a man used part-time work and career breaks for the first 10 years of the program. Then, employers would have economic incentives to get their middle managers to encourage flexible arrangements. Non-parents would also benefit from these policies, which would help change the workplace from a time-oriented culture to a results-based environment. X Make career adjustments — The ideal of mom solely as nurturer, and dad solely as provider must be discarded as obsolete. Almost 25% of American women earn more than their husbands, while the number of two-parent households with a stay-at-home dad increased by 70%, from 1 million in 1990, to 1.7 million in 2000. Flextime, telecommuting (e.g. work from home) and similar arrangements can make a world of difference in improving family life. Consider Pete and Donna. Pete, an international trade attorney, stayed home for three years. When he went back to work, Donna, a Foreign Service officer, stayed home for two years. She returned to work half-time, after negotiating a job-share arrangement. Each year, Paul negotiates with his employer for more vacation time instead of a raise so he can spend more time with their kids. The point is, when people think outside the box regarding their careers and work lives, they can avoid “mommy trap” snares and have happier, less stressful lives. Summary It’s difficult to swim against the tide. Sometimes moms and dads who make different choices than the norm encounter initial disapproval. Focus on your children, and what’s best for them. Eventually, work and family lives will become more balanced, and active fathering will become commonplace. Progress is being made, and we will all be better off as a result. Source: Excerpted with permission from “How to Avoid the Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making it Work,” by Julie Shields, Capital Books, ISBN: 1-89212388-6.
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Brown Bagger H A N D O U T What You Don’t Ask for, You Don’t Get... ...At Work: • Do your homework. Research company policies — what you have, and what you don’t, so you understand the ramifications that flexible arrangements and time off will have on benefits. Find out who’s doing what, how they made it work, and try to learn from that. • Draft a proposal. Include the impact of the desired flexible work arrangement on your job, manager, and team. Present challenges and propose solutions. Even if you don’t have all the answers, you’re more likely to be met receptively from a manager when you’ve thought it through. • Give the arrangement a “try-out.” Managers are more comfortable with the idea of a temporary work schedule. In three to six months, review with the manager how the flexible arrangement is working, and what might need to be improved. Consider everyone whom the new schedule might affect: people who report to you, colleagues, customers, etc. • If they say no. If there’s no good reason for denying the request, ask if you could come back with a “Plan B” in three to six months. If the answer remains “no” after you’ve repeatedly given it your best shot, it might be time to think about an employer who would be more receptive to your needs.
...and at Home: • Make a more concerted effort to work together. When couples consider natural talents (some men cook better than women, for instance), and provide time for men in charge, more equal arrangements result. • Set up a family calendar that lists cooking, shopping, and other responsibilities. • Don’t remind your husband of anything on the calendar. • Parcel out responsibilities in advance, including scheduling. • Don’t step in if dad fails to do what he is supposed to do. • Let him identify the problem and solve it himself. • Consider using Palm Pilots or other hand-held computer-scheduling devices. Sources: Work-life expert Nancy Kane and Julie Shields, author of “How to Avoid the Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making it Work.” 4 EA Report Brown Bagger
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