The Sunflower Girl Magazine: Blood Meets Water (Dec 2020)

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the sunflower girl collective presents

‘blood meets water’

THE SUNFLOWER GIRL MAGAZINE DECEMBER 2020.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Hello, So TSGC came to my fingertips the summer of 2018. I launched our Instagram page on August 4th, 2018 and have been as active as possible ever since; that was the Jersey summer after my junior year of college, where I experienced the biggest trials of my adult life so far in just 2 grueling semesters. TSGC is a Leo sun, Scorpio moon, and Scorpio rising. The power for transformation was always there. We are a poetic space designed to champion femme and gender non conforming voices across the country but with mad love to the east coast. Shout out to Jersey.

Before heading back for my senior year at George Mason University... there was a deliberate reorganization of my passions. TSGC became more than my baby, more than my outlet, more than my poetry, playlist, podcast and some pictures. It became my battery and my charger.

When TSGC was running low, I was running low. Words meant things for me again. Language began to shape and reshape my reality. ​So with that being said, I’m glad you’re here.

Throughout 2019, TSGC grew and grew, reaching 300 followers in May 2019, publishing Gift from Virgo, and continuing its support for local Northern Virginia sunflower girls and artists.

In August 2019, we released our first print magazine titled ​The Anniversary Edition,​ to celebrate our first birthday. The Anniversary Edition was a family affair, featuring works from some of the most enigmatic artists I know like Summer Knights, Emma Bleker, Alekhya Tallapaka, Anise Jeremiah, Izzie Larson, Anise Jeremiah, Christy Caudle, Jenae Barnes, Teng Teng Chin, Kasey, etc. The theme of The Anniversary Issue was more of a celebration of our TSGC Values, which are listed on the next few pages for your convenience and curiosity. In March 2020, we released Intimate Fears, our second print magazine. Artist leadership is what shifts and propels cultures, and artists like Adeoti Quadri Adekunle, Carla, Christine Thompson, Dimitris Soukoulis, JP Harp, Kasinator Visuals, Lauren May, Mattison Merritt, Melanie Monjie and Thom Seifert answered that second call.

They prove Sunflower Girl Co. is a dynamic group of people who see themselves as and celebrate leaders in their communities, ready and willing to negotiate with fear, do the work and make a difference at all cost.

So I mean it when I say thank you for being here. Nothing has ever meant more to me.

mernine ameris (founder)

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR cont’d In 2020, I moved from my suburban college town to Washington, D.C. like I dreamed of when I was 14. A decade later and it happened. Only things look different now. What we are on the brink of has never been so aligned before, yet so polarizing. Fear has been what’s captivated most of my news cycle. I have come to new understandings with myself everyday on resolutions towards becoming a better person. Forgiving myself when those days don’t necessarily go my way has been my most valued new skill and that is what Virginia taught me above all else. The District has already taught me so much, so who knows what I will take away when it’s time to leave it. The DMV has provided the most colorful backdrop for some of our collective’s most cherished work already. I’ve had work housed here from my best friend’s mom, my speech and debate big, littles, peers, and students, my classmates, my astrologer, some of the best poets I’ve ever heard and more talented creatives all over the country. This large family was built and acquired and has helped me through tough times, dark moments. In 2020, we were tested more than ever. By the end, I felt very much like I was running out of steam with the rest of the world. 2021 has shifted my city into survival mode, the idea that each morning is not guaranteed. It was this space that picked me back up and reminded me that that is what we do for each other. We answer the call. Answering the call is honest work.

Yours, Mernine Tevna Ameris (Founder of The Sunflower Girl Collective) mernineame@gmail.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

ARTISTS

AUTHORS

Justice Leshare Megann Ameris CDS Art Carey Marie

Alli Kennon Carey Marie Christina K Jada Foreman Kayla Turner Natasha Lynn Nashae Prout

by @​sunflw_rs​

on instagram

“hi my sunflowers, We made it! While we reflect on the past year I hope that we are kind enough to ourselves. This year has been incredibly tough and I am so proud of you for surviving. I am so grateful for you and the way that you make this world a better place. If this year wasn't kind to you I hope that we find the love to forgive and grieve; to make peace with the past. I hope that we water our seeds and learn to prune away the leaves. I pray that we learn to let go of fear and create more room for growth. Although I didn't write as much this year, I have truly found my style and written pieces that I am proud of. Thank you for always supporting me in any way you can. Happy New Year my sunflowers!! I love you all endlessly.”

TSGC (FLASHBACK) ASTRO GUIDE to 2020

by Jada Foreman

As December comes to settle in and as we start to settle into the holiday season, a lot will be going on in our sky astrologically. In fact most if not all of the biggest astrological; transits will be during December. We made it through 6 retrogrades, eclipses, and more not so comfortable transits. However, in my opinion, the month of December will bring in a lot of change in our society. From Chiron, the wounded healer, going direct, to the great conjunction in Aquarius, starting a new era for 2,159 years! I January, some planets will move into new signs and yes, another mercury retrograde. But don’t get hysterical yet, I will give you guys a very detailed run down and astrological forecast for the next two months so you can use these transits for good in your life.

December 2020.

On December 15…

Venus, the planet of relationships and love will be leaving the very intense sign of Scorpio into the optimistic sign of Sagittarius in the 9th House, the house of philosophy, higher education, luck, and adventure. Go after who you had your eye on for a long time. Scorpio is the sign of reflection and introspection, Venus will be leaving this sign into a more optimistic sign giving your relationships a more upbeat feeling. This is also a good d time to be open minded on what you want in a relationship!

Also on this day Chiron, the wounded healer asteroid will be going direct in Aries in the first house.

Chiron, is the asteroid of our mental wounds we might have obtained in childhood and how we use those wounds to heal others. I like to call it the healing aspect of a chart. With this asteroid in retrograde it made us revisit some old wounds we have kept deep down too ourselves, so maybe during these past few months, many of you have been revisiting your wounds that you have had to deal with in the past. It might have not been comfortable however, it was needed. Since Chiron is in the first house, maybe some of you have asking yourself “Is this who I am or am I projecting my wounds to the outside world.” With Chiron going direct, I can see that, many of you have grown and are not the same that you were 5 to 6 months ago.

On December 17...

Saturn, the planet of limitations, restrictions, government, career, and goals will be leaving its home in Capricorn the sign of older generations, limitations, and government, into Aquarius, the sign of intellect and humanitarianism in the 11th house. We are thinking clearly and outside the box on how to go after and accomplish our goals. We can finally stop limiting ourselves and see clearly what we want to go after.

On December 19...

Jupiter will also move into Aquarius as well. Jupiter is the planet of luck, social groups, and optimism.

These two planets of social justice will conjoin or link up under the same sign and house (Aquarius) moving us into the era of Aquarius on December 21, however I will go into more detail about this soon.

On December 20...

Mercury the planet of thinking and communication will enter Capricorn. Capricorn is the sign of goals, hard work, older generations, and limitations. You might think or feel that you are more mature and actually really might be doing the hard things to get to your goals. I also think some of you might be thinking long term about your career or you want to invest in for long term financial stability. The next day December 21. The sun moves into Capricorn. Say happy birthday to your favorite Capricorn!

On December 21...

Saturn and Jupiter will both form a big conjunction in Aquarius which will lead into a new era which will last for 2,159 years. Now before I go further you might be wondering what in the world a conjunction is. Well, a conjunction is when two or more planets get together under the same sign. This form of conjunction is rare, these planets will be the closets they ever were since 1623. Both Jupiter and Saturn are both social planets as well as planets that play a role in governments. We are currently in the era is Pisces, a water sign of imagination, dreams, and spiritual practices that lasted for 2,000 years. Now we are shifting into the era of air sign, Aquarius. Be prepared to see scientific breakthroughs in medicine and technology as well as more social movements for human rights. We are the pioneers of this era, so how will you use your unique talents to make a difference in the new era?

OUR A ​ CERBIC​ EXTRACT by ​ALLI K

Our drink of choice was always slightly unusual.

We associated it with the body of Christ, maybe for the holiness of the sacrament. or maybe to taste his blood running, holding hands with ours, sweet, electrifying, shaking.

Do you think Jesus ever expected us to replace his wine with grape juice?

Regardless of approval, I think we can all agree, grape juice hits differently.

You and I both know.

We giggled at the humor of it all while sucking out every last drop.

It traveled through our bodies until it made us holy too.

The dark purple swimming back and forth, back and forth, as if we were bruised, beautiful, sweetly stained by our own desire.

I think I hoped that Christ would speak through the emerald vines collected in our teeth, He would whisper in your ear, Holy Martyr, to tell you how beloved you are, how sweet you are,

as sweet as the first cotton candy grape from the grocery store.

You are so fresh, plump at the bite and breathtaking in your intricacies, twisting green leaves surrounding the pupil.

The first sip turns my sights upward gazing upon the sweet child you’ve become as you drink, laughter sparking joy sparking song.

The next sip creates a crown of thorns, protecting us from any sourness that could seep in.

The final sip is a form of prayer, meditation on the gifts our God has given us, each other, till death.

Up on the cross, you can see the veins of Christ under dark purple flesh and your hands, they trace the wrinkles, puckering out of the skin.

We’re all terrified of raisins, but I’d love to see you age.

Drink,

lover,

do this in remembrance of me

dead skin and déjà vu by natasha lynn I’ve been having a lot of déjà vu lately like I’ve been here before shed a layer like this before

im beginning to like the process of coming back to life

metamorphosis could be a metaphor for this but one glorious transformation and the monarch is done

the goal is the source the source is the goal which are both you that you keep coming back to like déjà vu

afterall

lucky them but this cocoon feels familiar this skin peels, instinctual im starting to think I’ve done this before

this cocoon feels familiar this skin peels instinctual maybe ill pick different wings this time

art by @cds.art on instagram

Mama's Girl

by Nashae Prout Ma, your womb was my home Where inside of you, you carried me Your only daughter, the one you couldn’t wait to see Held me dearly before I entered this world

Ma, your life force is what sparked my own It drives me to do, to act, to be You are the force that inspires me I have become the daughter you molded

Ma, your blood courses through my veins This blood of ours makes us strong We have withstood the bad, the ugly, and the wrong With all the dark in the world we are both light

Ma, we smile, we laugh, we cry, and we argue But I can't wait until I am like you Matured, maternal, strong, and true Ma, I probably don’t say it enough but I love you

by @​sunflw_rs​

on instagram

Wade b​ y Kayla Turner

As my lungs undulate with wet Remembering My limbs fling violently without making a sound And for moments I’m reunited with my ancestors and their cries for home and their want for flight or feet unbounded and their hearts full Of warm honey Coated in black brown butter A virgin in White wades in trembling tempests.

Troubling, temptations and tribulations of their arms Flailing without making a sound

I say I will not drown here I will not sink my sorrows in this silenced skin anymore I rise Screams echo as my skin bathes in light The water is nebulous and unrecognizable No longer a mirror And there are days I wish I could carry The weight of water battered bones under my young tongue My eyes fill with remembering, it is heavy It is heavy enough

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art by Carey M. (check out @artistcollabspace on instagram!)

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1

Heat of a Fractured Shadow The fire stretches her arms around the tired-eyed travelers, in hopes to radiate the warmth she possesses. She feels large, glowing in the middle of the forest. She looks up at the travelers, as they sip their soup, a somber look on their faces. She wonders where the beings get all of their sorrow. For her, life has just begun. But those before her had lived short lives; they had been around since the beginning of time. They, who knew all, had shared with her how important her job was. Her heat could destroy, revive, and create in a flicker. While a fire may live for a short time, a light never truly dies.

She tells herself often, f​ ire is life.

The travelers hear her whispering, her dancing crackling in front of them.

Fire is life. *

*

*

The fire occasionally burns so bright the travelers have to take a step back, but they appreciate it nonetheless. The fire thinks to herself that the beings are vastly different than her. They always want to touch her flames, even though they know the heat would hurt them. The fire knows she does not cause pain, but what she produces. Sometimes, in the past, children would go stumbling into her, or drunk adults that acted like children. Either way, the fire thinks that most of them were idiots, but she still provides them with comfort and not too much warmth. It is the fire’s job. Despite her role, she has a significant distaste for the food they use her embers to cook. Packaged meats, “hot dogs” they call them, truly smelt like a fiery canine. Sometimes, they prepare beans, soup, various meats, potatoes, and cheese. At the end of the cooking, the fire always enjoys the way the food smells. But at the beginning of cooking, the fire almost wants to will herself into a small ember so that the travelers will take their business elsewhere. She quite likes when they roast marshmallows, pies, and vegetables over her, but that is very, very rare. It is

1

A peculiar title given to thee by Caleb Merritt. I just kinda went with it.

so unusual that the fire found herself fondly looking at the trees, wondering if they enjoy the straightforward climbing, shelter, and oxygen they provide. The fire very rarely looks at the lake in this way, and the lake never looks at the fire. They both offer similar jobs, but in vastly different approaches. They will never even be acquaintances.

The lake and the fire could destroy, revive, and create, but all they could do to each other is hurt. Her family had told her, never consider the lake a part of you, if it is anything, it is everything but you. *

*

*

The fire listens to the traveler’s conversation. She has never figured out how to communicate with them fully, so she stands by as a passive observer. To exist, she must consume but only consume what is around her. The fire is unable to move, besides her rhythmic swaying, she combusts and extinguishes in the same spot for eternity. The travelers talk in soft tones of the woman with them; they are concerned as to whether or not the woman will be extinguished by the end of the trip. They didn’t acknowledge the fire once their focus was on the woman.

“She is weak,” He, who stands far taller than the fire, refers to the woman like she is dead weight. His voice is firm and makes the ground underneath her reverberate. The fire knows all too well what weak looks like. Sometimes, when left unattended, her bright wings turn into a speck of light. All she has learned was transferred through the last flame, even though the last flame was reduced into just a spark. The fire fears what the smallness of her last moments could look like. The fire’s attention turns back towards the campers. Her light dances on the trees around them, occasionally shadowing the men’s faces and bringing the light to them in a split second.

“We have to keep her around; we can’t just throw her to the wolves,” A younger man with growing facial hair. His eyes look like they have some kindness left, but his demeanor is cold. The fire shivers.

“What is she good for, anyway? Ever since they took her daughter, it seems like all she does is mope around. I mean we did everything we could. I don’t know what more she wants.” This time, an older man. He seems to be one of the leaders of the group. That night, he ate way too many hot dogs. He burped, walked on the fire’s burnt logs as if he

was drunk, and had simply no respect for the life around him. The fire is quite disgusted with him, so his remarks are never surprising.

“You know what she’s good for,” They all laugh. They sip their soup and seemingly come to the unanimous decision that they will keep her around until she eventually stops moving and stops working.

The fire will never understand the harshness of the beings, but as she said, she stands by, crackling, as a passive observer. *

*

*

The men stand up to leave, or go anywhere but near the fire, as the woman emerges from the darkness. She looks small against their massive frames. She is thin from lack of nourishment. The woman has blue eyes, swimming like the lake adjacent to her. She looks up at them.

“Is there anything left?” Her voice is barely above a whisper, but her hands are rough and calloused.

“Well, if you wouldn’t have slept for so long, maybe there would be a scrap.” The older man spits at her. She does not back away; her eyes just show her disdain. Her eyes move to each of the men’s eyes, searching for a better answer, but they all turn and refuse to meet her. The fire illuminates the woman’s eyes, filled with unnameable emotion.

The light moves away just as quickly, hoping to give the woman some privacy. They shuffle to move towards their tents. The young man seems to grab the woman, but he hands her the last bowl of soup he poured for himself. She mouths a small thank you and sits down near the fire. The fire appreciates the company of a quiet soul. The light dances around her, the warm glow surrounding her in the hopes of offering comfort during a bone-deep cold spell.

She watches the woman eat in slow, measured spoonfuls. The glow refocuses on the woman’s hands, dancing around them, holding them. They are shaking as they lift the bowl to her mouth. Her skin looks thick like it had built up years of resistance to the harsh world, and in the red glow, she looks like a mother. Maybe every woman looks like a mother to the fire. Perhaps the fire searches for a mother or a sister or a daughter in every woman.

The woman stops eating and looks towards the lake. Her eyes seem to be yearning for something that looks very, very far away.

“Hey! Are you coming back in here or what?” The woman jumps, spilling the rest of her soup onto the ground. The woman wipes the soup off of her thin clothes and gets up. She glances at the fire, and the fire glances back. The woman seems like she is waiting for the fire to say something, but the fire does not know how to respond. The fire wishes she could at that moment. The fire wishes.

“I’m coming.” Her voice is louder this time, but it is hoarse. She moves slowly towards the tent; her feet, while carrying her, seem to want to take her in any other direction.

“Well, hurry the hell up. God, it’s like you’re already dead.” The man’s words are angry and hold nothing but selfishness. The fire hisses. She is bigger now, almost taking up the entirety of the clearing.

“Did you put the fire out?” He asks her as she enters the tent.

“I’ll put it out later tonight. The warm is nice.” She looks at the fire; the yearning is still there. But, the man zips the tent shut and speaks to the woman in harsh tones that the fire cannot make out. Just like that, the woman is gone. *

*

*

As the night glows on, the fire hears cries from the tent. She hears harsh words. She understands the sounds that no being, not even the fire, should ever have to hear. The fire prays for a new morning. Things are always better in the morning, the fire thinks to herself. The fire begs for an escape, a sanctuary for the woman. The fire, isolated in the middle of the forest, has seen far more than she ever expected or ever wanted. The fire wonders how much more trauma she can handle before she burns out.

The fire crackles, and hisses, and speaks in the only way she knows how to at the top of her lungs in the hopes of rescue. But, nothing seems to get through the thin line of cloth separating the fire and the travelers. She just crackles, helpless; as the woman cries, helpless; both under a night sky that is far too bright for this late of an hour. There is not a type of pain close to the one felt by an incapable savior, the fire thinks.

*

*

*

The woman removes herself from the tent, far later than the fire wishes. The fire is still burning bright, hoping to encapsulate the travelers in her warmth even inside, away from her, hoping to do her job. The woman stands right next to the flame, looking the fire in the blue of her ember.

The fire dances, her embers sauntering in a rhythm older than comprehension. The woman’s gaze stays stoic as her body begins to shake.

She is whispering things to herself that the fire cannot make out. Her body is shaking more now, almost convulsing as she struggles to hold back her sadness. She seems so small in the light.

The fire cracks.

The woman stays in front of the fire, nothing can be heard but shaking.

The fire crackles to cover up the woman’s noise. The woman weeps in front of her; the tears are spilling into the body of the flame. The woman makes efforts to calm herself, to make herself quieter, smaller, but she continues to break regardless of her want for control.

The fire hurts but does not respond. The fire knew she could reduce water into a mist, but her flames seemed recalcitrant, she had not been tended well to tonight. The fire grows brighter, crackling anything she has left, in the hopes that her flames could offer some answer, but even she does not know how to repair.

Fire is life​, the fire whispers.

The woman doesn’t seem to hear the fire. She pours out until she fades into a chilling stillness. Her body only juts with emotion every few seconds now. Tears still streamed into the fire, making the light dimmer and dimmer around the woman. The fire is helplessly dancing, her only rhythm to that of fear she can not name.

The woman’s eyes turn towards the blue body of the lake. The lake does not dim; the lake does not feel small. The lake is always blue. The lake’s depths hold things the fire does not want to know. The fire knows there is nothing in the lake that is for her.

Fire is life.

The woman glances in the blue of the fire. Her eyes mimic a kind of dance the fire finds unfamiliar. The fire feels her light dimming more now; she is getting smaller.

Fire is life.

“I am ready to come home,” the woman’s voice shakes, chilling the fire to her core. Her flames are barely visible now. The fire only feels red, hot, an inexplicable pain.

Fire is life​, she says. She tries to scream at the woman as the woman turns towards the lake.

Fire is life​, she says. She hears the voices of those before her, n ​ ever consider the lake a part of you if it is anything, it is everything but you.

Her words fall silent. The fire’s core is the only visible thing as she watches the woman walk towards the fear she has always known and never spoke. The woman’s body casts a fractured shadow onto the midnight blue. It was too cold for the fire to bear. The woman never glances back at the ember. As the woman’s body moves farther down into the lake, the fire speaks in only a whisper of smoke.

F ​i​ r​ ​ e​ ​ i​ ​ ​s​ ​l ​ i f​ ​e.

by @​sunflw_rs​

on instagram

TSGC ASTRO GUIDE to 2021 January 2021

In January, we will see a lot of new planetary movements. On January 6, Mars the planet of action and passion will move into the slow moving sign of Taurus. Slow and steady wins the race! This might be a time to relax or take baby steps to where you need to go. You might also go after what you tend to indulge in or you might want to go after the luxurious parts of life! On January 8, Mercury will move into Aquarius having us think outside the box, and if there is a social justice movement going on at the time, we might be communicating these human right issues to our peers.

On January 13, we will have a new moon in Capricorn in the 10th house. The house of career. New Moons bring in new beginnings, out with the old in with the new. It is also a time to clean your space, energy, and to cut of things that do not serve you anymore. With this new moon in the 10th house and In Capricorn, we are doing some introspection work on how we can manifest the career we want and what needs to be let go to get to our goals. On January 28, there will be a full moon in Leo in the 4th house. Full moons illuminate everything, the good and the side of us that needs a little work. With the full moon in Leo we might be tapping into our creative side or how we can out ourselves in the spot light more with this full moon in the private 4th house.

A Mercury retrograde will close us of in January on the 30 in Aquarius, in the 10th house, we are reevaluating our goals. This is also a time where technology might act up so make sure you save all your work on your computer. It might be hard to communicate with one another since mercury can cause some misunderstandings. All in all mercury goes into retrograde not to hurt us but to do it for us. It is just a time to learn some lessons. I understand the year we had in 2020 that you might be tired of these lessons but the journey in our growth is never ending according to the cosmos.

hiraeth by natasha lynn to yearn for the return to home when that home was a cage is like wishing for a retreat into the womb you are not welcome there perhaps you never were

to yearn for the comfort of your mother or A mother pulls your body into similar prisons just with different beings and you end up being back at square one

perhaps the longing to return is just a longing to find what they were never able to provide I only with to retreat to my womb to be reborn into my own home

2020 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS MEGANN

My sister, Megann, turned 21 in 2020. She is the first place I practiced love and friendship. Our relationship is the definition of unconditional, There is very little we would not do for each other, and the things we wouldn’t do are things we would never expect of each other out of love and respect.

ANGIE

DANIELLE

ORDER ‘GIFT FROM VIRGO’ TODAY!

'Gift From Virgo' is the debut poetry collection by local spoken word poet, dog lover, and plant mom Mernine Ameris. It explores the intersections of blackness, girlhood, homecoming, homegoing, growing up, becoming and staying rooted.

Her work has been published in journals like Volition Magazine, Brain Mill Press, Corridors Magazine, Medium and so much more. This poetry book is a promise to a younger Black Hermione, that she would publish a book one day. She did.

Cover art by Karen Hu