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MIKE TYSON REVEALS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD BY 30

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PRE-MATCH TALK Super Seb cruises to victory in Abu Dhabi; KP calls the British press nuts

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SECOND HALF ©$DUU\ VKDUHV KLV ±YH ZDFNLHVW WUDQVIHUV The British comedian rides London’s proposed F1 track; Meet the Williams driver vying to get more women in the pits

NOVEMBER 2013

SPORTS TALK

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THE GAFFER BEN JACOBS EDITOR

FEAR AND LOATHING IN DUBAI B

uy the ticket, take the ride... and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well... maybe chalk it off to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten.

Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson never saw Mike Tyson’s Undisputed Truth, but his quote from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas rather aptly epitomises the show.

Fittingly, ‘Iron Mike’ launched his one-man life story, directed by Spike Lee, in Vegas in spring 2012. Initially billed as a comedic freak show – as madcap as Monty Python’s Spamalot or Cirque du Soleil’s acrobatic midgets – Tyson stunned his audience with a candid and maudlin soliloquy packed with profound insights (and, of course, profanities).

“It’s certainly not stand-up comedy,” says the 47-year-old, who concedes he expected to be dead by 30. “I don’t know why people keep calling it that. Undisputed Truth is an insight into my life. I want to show you the real Mike Tyson. People think I’m some ogre – the prospect of meeting me scares them. They think I am going to eat them! I am not. Since converting to Islam [in 1992] I have found peace. I am not the man I was 30 years ago.”

Undisputed Truth proved such a smash hit in America that Tyson is now embarking on a world tour, with Alchemy Project bringing him to Dubai World Trade Centre between 7-8 November as the first stop. The show is far heavier than most expect. Hangover movie star Tyson does his best to inject some humour – donning a scraggy Mitch Green wig to relive their infamous 1988 street ruckus, and doing an uncanny (and oddly lisp-free) impression of “dirty Don King” – but the overwhelming sensation is of a man crippled by his inauspicious upbringing (which saw him arrested 38 times before he was 13), drug addiction (which started aged 12) and sexual assault charge, which he vociferously denies on stage.

Surprisingly, very little of Undisputed Truth is about Tyson’s boxing career. Virtually no reference is made to the fact that at 20 he was the youngest boxer to ever hold the WBA, WBC and IFB heavyweight titles. He does find time, however, to talk about chewing off Evander Holyfield’s ear in 1997, jesting he wished his opponent had released his now globally distributed Real Deal BBQ Sauce back then because “his ear tasted like ass”. Tyson also shares footage of his shock (and first professional) loss to Buster Douglas in Tokyo in 1990. With 10 seconds left of the 8th round, Mike landed a right uppercut that sent his opponent to the deck, yet only a nine-second count was called.

Tyson’s own on-stage count suggests Douglas took 13 seconds to get up.

Despite the gags – and consistent swearing, which always earns a cheap laugh – even Tyson admits he’s a tortured soul. A touching tribute, at the end, to his daughter Exodus, who died aged four in 2009 after accidentally getting her neck tangled in a treadmill cord, exposes Tyson as the Saddest not Baddest Man on the Planet.

“I don’t like the Baddest Man on the Planet nickname,” says Tyson. “That is not me anymore. I don’t think I know what happiness is, but I do feel in a good place. I am a family man now.

“The death of my daughter changed me. It mellowed me out. To begin with I was outraged. I arrived at the hospital and wanted to raise hell. Then, once I got there and saw other people who had children who already died or were dying – and how they were handling their tragedy with dignity – I decided I didn’t want to be the psycho parent. Part of Undisputed Truth pays respect to Exodus, and hopefully proves to people I do have a big heart.”

Tyson is performing two shows per night (1800, 2200), with tickets available from AED 195 via tixbox.com.

Iron Mike’s arrival kicks off a stellar month of big names in the region. The season-ending DP World Tour Championship – one of the top sporting events on the Middle East calendar – also comes to Dubai this November, and we thus look back on the 2013 European Tour season. Former Dubai resident Henrik Stenson is primed to complete a Race to Dubai and FedEx Cup double, but last year’s tournament and Race to Dubai champion Rory McIlroy is struggling to even make the top 60.

Meanwhile, this month also sees the Dubai Rugby Sevens (28-30 November), with Samoa’s men and New Zealand’s women hoping to defend their 2012 crowns.

Elsewhere, we speak to controversial England batsman Kevin Pietersen, who reveals he would love another crack at the England captaincy. We look back too on a successful (if predictable) Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, which saw sensational Sebastian Vettel romp to victory – and Sports Talk sets a brand new world record, driving the proposed London F1 track in a black cab! Enjoy November’s issue!

benj@mesportstalk.com @JacobsBen facebook.com/mesportstalk

UNDISPUTED TRUTH IS AN INSIGHT INTO MY LIFE. I WANT TO SHOW YOU THE REAL MIKE TYSON. PEOPLE THINK I AM AN OGRE – THE PROSPECT OF MEETING ME SCARES THEM. THEY THINK I AM GOING TO EAT THEM! I AM NOT.

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Head down to Velocity for an afternoon with Australian rugby legend George Gregan and Welsh Rugby Union star Scott Gibbs, hosted by TV presenter Jim Rosenthal. Get up close and personal, enjoy a bit of banter and grab some beef off the BBQ.

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PRE-MATCH TALK

08 ABU DHABI GP Four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel eases to victory at the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix

14 CLIVE AGRAN Sports Talk’s intrepid OAP travels to Wembley to catch an NFL game

16 KEVIN PIETERSEN KP admits he’d love to be England captain again, but probably won’t be asked

PRE-MATCH TALK VETTEL ROMPS TO ABU DHABI VICTORY resh from claiming his fourth straight Formula One drivers’ championship in India, Red Bull’s Sebastian Vettel dominated November’s Etihad Airways Abu Dhabi Grand Prix at Yas Marina Circuit to claim his seventh straight win.

The 26-year-old proved motivation wasn’t lacking – despite having nothing to race for – leading from start to finish to see off winless Aussie teammate Mark Webber (who started from pole) and Mercedes’ Nico Rosberg.

Lotus’ Romain Grosjean just missed out on a podium spot, while Ferrari’s Fernando Alonso enlivened the closing stages with a thrilling charge to pinch fifth place from Force India’s Paul Di Resta.

Lewis Hamilton could only manage seventh. The 2011 Abu Dhabi winner was plagued with gearbox issues, which forced his Mercedes’ engineers to stay up all night just to get the car on the track.

The defending champion, Kimi Raikkonen – who dramatically threatened to boycott Abu Dhabi over a pay dispute with Lotus – was forced to retire. The fiery Finn, who is off to Ferrari next season, started from the back of the grid after his car failed a post-qualifying check, then pulled out on the opening bend after breaking his front suspension in a collision with a Caterham. Conspiracy theorists will no doubt argue Kimi parked his car on purpose, but the 2007 world champion maintains it was simply a freak incident.

“I went to the inside and then somehow managed to touch with a Caterham,” he explained. “We didn’t touch hard but I think the angle was very unlucky and it just broke the steering.”

Vettel had no such problems, once again underlining his class. Despite starting second behind Webber, it took the in-form German just one corner to take the lead.

Webber immediately fell to third, behind Rosberg, and by the time he regained second on lap 20 he was already a huge 27 seconds adrift.

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2013 ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX 1. Sebastian Vettel (Red Bull): 1:38:06.106 2. Mark Webber (Red Bull): +00:30.829 3. Nico Rosberg (Mercedes): +00:33.650 4. Romain Grosjean (Lotus): +00:34.802 5. Fernando Alonso (Ferrari): +01:07.184

From there, the result was never in doubt, with Vettel celebrating by doing ‘doughnuts’ (the same kind Webber did on the Burj Al Arab’s helipad before the race) as he jubilantly crossed the finish line.

“The car was absolutely brilliant,” raved Vettel on his 11th win of the season, which equalled his championship-winning total in 2011. “There’s not much more to say. It was flying at some stages – at least it certainly felt like it.”

Vettel remains on target to equal Alberto Ascari’s nine consecutive grand prix wins – a record that has stood for 60 years. He can also surpass Michael Schumacher’s unparalleled 13 victories in a single season.

To achieve both feats, he must finish first in America (15-17 November) and Brazil (22-24 November). Sagacious Sebastian is not overly concerned about setting new records, but wouldn’t mind getting one over his fellow German.

“Of course, it would be fun to take some records off Michael, but it’s hardly the priority,” Vettel told Sports Talk. “I am flattered when I get compared to him, but Formula One isn’t quite the same as it was during his reign.

“If you think the sport is boring now, you obviously weren’t watching it in the late nineties. My win in Abu Dhabi was by a big margin, but usually I am less than five seconds clear at most stages of every race.

Michael used to forge leads of well over 30 seconds on a regular basis. I used to watch him around the first bend, fall asleep, and then wake up knowing he had won without even checking!”

Vettel might highlight the difference between himself and Schumacher’s eras, but there’s plenty of F1 punters who would have switched off in Abu Dhabi and rightly assumed he had won – and many more who picked the correct victor without even watching the race at all.

This is not a criticism, but proof of just how much better than his peers sublime Sebastian is, which is why the Schumacher comparison is apt, even if off the track the pair are extremely different characters. (After all, Vettel has a personality!)

gossip: SEBASTIAN VETTEL WILL LEAVE RED BULL FOR FERRARI AT THE END OF NEXT SEASON

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PRE-MATCH TALK

LE CLOS AND HOSSZU MAKE A SPLASH IN DUBAI he Dubai leg of the FINA Swimming World Cup may have only provided one world record, but headline names Chad le Clos and Katinka Hosszu did not disappoint at the Hamdan Sports Complex.

Japan (Shinri Shioura, Sayaka Akase, Kenta Ito and Kanako Watanabe) broke the solitary world record in the final event of the meet – the mixed 4x50-metre freestyle relay, with a time of 1:32.52, comfortably enough to see off Brazil and China.

2011 World Cup winner le Clos won three golds during the two-day meet, in the 100- and 200-metre butterfly and 200-metre IM, to take his lead over Russia’s Vladimir Morozov in the eight-event series to 71 points.

The reigning Olympic 200-metre champion, who beat his idol Michael Phelps to gold in London, almost broke the world record he set at the Eindhoven leg of the World Cup last August, missing out by just three hundredths of a second with a time of 1:49.07 – over two seconds quicker than Pole Pawel Korzeniowski in second place.

The genial South African had also hoped for a world record in the 100-metre

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“I was really tired in Dubai,” conceded butterfly, but could only clock a time of Hosszu, who came last in the 400-metre 49.14, narrowly edging out American freestyle – one of her stronger events. “I Thomas Shields. would be lying if I said I felt fine. I didn’t do “I was a little disappointed with my so well in the long distance freestyle because 100-metre time,” said le Clos, who also saw I think it’s kind of mental. It’s a gruelling off defending World Cup champion race and I was like, ‘Do I really want to do Kenneth To in the 200-metre IM. “I started it or not?’ When you compete in a lot of on world record pace then died a bit. I different disciplines it is think I looked around too kind of tough to get much, and I hit the turns a ready and forget about bit short. I was trying so (AFTER DUBAI) the other races. I am hard I overcooked it a bit.”

MEN mentally drained.”

Hosszu, meanwhile, 1. Chad le Clos – 266 2. Vladimir Morozov – 195 Elsewhere, the large managed four golds 3. Robert Hurley – 141 and vocal crowd was on (200-metre freestyle, the edge of their seats for 200-metre butterfly, WOMEN the hotly anticipated 200-metre IM, 400-metre 1. Katinka Hosszu – 468 men’s 1,500-metre IM) to extend her already 2. Mireia Belmonte – 169 3. Alia Atkinson – 135 freestyle, which featured healthy advantage over Tunisian favourite Spaniard Mireia Belmonte Oussama Mellouli. The to a whopping 299 24-year-old, who won gold in the points, but the 24-year-old Hungarian 10-kilometre marathon at London 2012, was a touch disappointed with this tally, could only manage silver, losing out to Italy’s considering she contested 12 finals. Her Gregorio Paltrinieri, but the race was still one two silver and two bronze medals, of the highlights of another intriguing and however, still ensured she was the top well-run Dubai meet. performer in Dubai.

FINA WORLD CUP

gossip: CHAD LE CLOS WANTS TO TRAIN AT HAMDAN SPORTS COMPLEX IN THE BUILD-UP TO RIO 2016

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PRE-MATCH TALK by the latter success, battled Hurricane Alberto – along with a dogged challenge from overall champions Groupama – to reach Lisbon first in an impressive time of 11 days, 4 hours, 23 minutes and 54 seconds.

“It was wonderful to win in the UAE capital, though the highlight for me was the Miami victory, followed by our transatlantic success,” said Walker. “That stretch is not just tough but one of the Volvo Ocean Race’s blue-ribbon ones. What it proved is we had some fantastic sailors, and plenty of speed, but in the end our boat just didn’t have legs.

That is what excites me, this time around, with everyone having the same equipment.

Hopefully that will allow me to win the race for the very first time.”

Walker clearly relishes the gruelling going hell for leather out at sea. Still, it clearly he nine-month 2014-2015 Volvo Ocean nine-month race, which will again pass helps to have it sooner rather than later.”

Race doesn’t officially begin until next through Abu Dhabi over New Year. Unlike Even without the Volvo 65, Walker is in October in Alicante, but Abu Dhabi Ocean most, the hardened Brit certainly isn’t fazed for an extremely busy winter. His primary Racing are already frantically preparing. about being stranded for long periods at task is to choose his team, which is likely to Last July was a pretty significant period sea… except on Saturdays. This is because he include at least one Emirati. Adil Khalid was since the new Volvo 65 boats were released, is a die-hard football fan! an on-shore team member in 2011-2012 and but Abu Dhabi’s won’t arrive until late On May 19, 2012, he found himself in could well be promoted to the sea crew.

November at the earliest. precisely this position, armed with only a “We will look closely at Adil, but also Unlike the 2011-2012 race, Abu Dhabi crackly walkie-talkie designed to help guide spend the summer assessing other sailors,” won’t be sailing in ‘Azzam’ – a distinctive black him around Miami’s tempestuous waters. revealed Walker. “The back end of 2013 is boat (which looked like a Batmobile on water), However, it wasn’t being used for that really all about doing sea tests to determine with a traditional Arabic falcon on the side. purpose. It had a far more important role who is going to be on the boat. Obviously we Instead, each team must use the same boat, – to relay imperative, life-changing would love an Emirati on board, but there conceived by American firm Farr Yacht Design. information… the West Ham United score! will be no token selections. We are simply Abu Dhabi Ocean Racing skipper Ian Walker, This wasn’t just any old Hammers fixture going to assemble the best possible crew.” who is captaining the team for the second time, either: it was the Championship playoff Walker, who was also captain of Irish believes the radical move to universalise the final against Blackpool at Wembley – the entry Green Dragon in the 2008-2009 Volvo boats will ensure the best sailors win. richest game in football, with a place in the Ocean Race, will hope to improve on Abu “If it hadn’t been for the new so-called ‘One Premier League at stake.

Dhabi’s disappointing fifth-place finish in Design’ rule, I probably wouldn’t have done the “It was a nightmare,” conceded Walker. “I 2011-2012. Having cruised to the opening Volvo Ocean Race again,” admitted the double remember it clear as day. I saw the half-time in-port race in Alicante, much was expected Olympic medallist. “It is definitely going to be score just before the race started and West of Abu Dhabi Ocean Racing, but they never the tightest race in history, and the fastest boat Ham were winning 1-0, but within minutes of quite lived up to their billing. Instead, should win. No one can now blame poor or the restart Blackpool equalised and then the Walker’s motley crew were plagued by rushed design for their failings.” nerves started jangling. I was probably the misfortune from the start, breaking their mast The only problem is each Volvo 65 is only West Ham fan on the planet stupid during leg one to Cape Town, running out of being built one at a time, and can take up to enough to have no access to pictures or food just outside of Miami in leg six and, to seven weeks to be completed. Thus, whereas commentary of the playoff final.” add insult (or should we say sea-salt?) to some teams already have their boat, certain Following an anxious wait, Walker injury, they even hit a lobster pot in the ones must wait until mid-2014 to get theirs. finally learnt of Ricardo Vaz Te’s clumsy late pitch-black Aran Islands en route to Galway.

Thankfully, Abu Dhabi Ocean Racing are winner that sent Sam Allardyce’s noHowever, ADOR did win the in-port races quite near the front of the queue. nonsense Hammers back into the Premier in both Abu Dhabi and Miami and, galvanised “We announced our team early, so League. His worst fear now is that shouldn’t have to wait too much they will sink back down to the longer now,” said 43-year-old Walker.

Championship, and he might not “I am hoping by Christmas, at the - born 25 February 1970, Worcester - won silver with John Merricks at the Atlanta Olympics in 1996 in the 470 class even learn of their fate for weeks. latest, we will have it – if not before.

- won silver with Matt Covell at the Athens Olympics in 2000 in the Star class He even admits that winning the You would think the team who gets - skipper for Britain’s first America’s Cup bid in 14 years in 2000 2014-2015 race, but seeing his their boat first has a big advantage, - skipper of Green Dragon for 2008-2009 Volvo Ocean Race beloved team get relegated, would but you only get given three sets of - skipper for Abu Dhabi Ocean Racing for 2011-2012 Volvo Ocean Race “totally ruin victory!” sails, so you won’t see many teams

ADOR’S VOLVO OCEAN RACE BOAT ALMOST READY

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IAN WALKER

gossip: JUSTIN BIEBER WILL PERFORM DURING DECEMBER’S ABU DHABI LEG OF THE VOLVO OCEAN RACE

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PRE-MATCH TALK

NFL POMP… AND POM POMS!

Because there’s no fun in being neutral, they’re the underdogs and, crucially, have supplied the gorgeous cheerleaders, I decide to be a Viking for the night and find myself booing as the Steelers’ starting line-up is announced.

After a double dose of national anthems and a coin toss that involves at least a couple of dozen players, we’re at last underway with the Steelers kicking off and the Vikings receiving in front of a massive It’s hard to imagine Manchester United sell-out crowd. Following a couple of first or Arsenal playing one of their home games downs and a face mask penalty against the in, say, Seattle or New Orleans, so why Steelers, Blair Walsh, the Vikings’ kicker, have the Minnesota Vikings agreed to stage smacks over a massive 53-yard field goal to one of theirs in London? Doubtless a few set off a bout of unbridled joy with dollars might have been a factor but the cheerleaders, flag-wavers, horn and real reason is, of course, they are Americans fireworks combining to cacophonous effect. and do things differently.

After the Vikings kick off, the Steelers Possibly still smarting from all those years offence takes to the field led by quarterback under the colonial cosh, perhaps America is Ben Roethlisberger. It’s fortunate he has broad now seeking revenge by foisting the NFL and shoulders, otherwise there wouldn’t be room all its associated merchandise onto us. The on the shirt for his surname! Like nearly all crowds around me converging on the the players, he appears to have consumed magnificent new stadium certainly seem to more than his quota of peanut butter and have bought into the idea, as they are sporting jelly sandwiches. On third down he tries a pretty well the entire range of NFL shirts from pass that’s even longer than his name, but it the Arizona Cardinals to the Washington fails to hit its Redskins. It’s hard to intended target. imagine anyone foolish On the Vikings’ enough to wear a next possession, Greg Manchester City shirt to THE NFL IS SO HUGE Jennings catches a a Manchester United v short pass, snakes his Liverpool game making THAT IT HAS TAKEN through the it to the turnstile OVER FROM BASEBALL AS way Steelers’ defence and unscathed, but here runs 70 yards for a there’s no such problem. THE QUINTESSENTIAL touchdown. In In fact, there’s a carnival US SPORT. company with a fair atmosphere and the chunk of the 90,000 multi-coloured shirts crowd and every one of the cheerleaders, I only add to the genuine sense of celebration. leap about in frenzied fashion.

Instead of leaving it late, as I usually do, Another Steeler makes a (weird) name I’m in my seat a good hour before kick-off to for himself by running in a touchdown. soak up the much-vaunted pre-match Booo! No, that’s not his name, but this is… entertainment. The cheerleaders run onto the Le’Veon Bell. Do you know anyone called pitch to a tumultuous reception, the like of Le’Veon? The nearest I can get is ‘La Vie en which I doubt even Wembley has experienced Rose’, which was a song sung by Edith Piaf before. English rap artist Tinie Tempah (or perhaps the water brand Evian). Some receives more muted applause which, after American names, including that one, are he’s ‘sung’ a couple of numbers, seems rather pretty bizarre. According to the statisticians, generous in hindsight. that’s the first touchdown scored by the Dozens of white and yellow Pittsburgh Steelers in the first quarter for eight games.

Steelers swarm onto the pitch and are The extra point is made. Wondering how warming up when a blast of a mighty horn, often it’s missed, I engage in some impressive flashing fireworks and uninhibited research – well, impressive for someone like exultation from the cheerleaders heralds the me who ordinarily doesn’t bother with such arrival of the purple and yellow Minnesota things. Anyway, from 1990 to 2011 there were Vikings. The heady combination of noise, 23,684 extra point attempts during the regular light and the unmistakeable whiff of season. Of these, 23,325 were successfully super-sized hotdogs delivers something not made for a league-wide extra point efficiency far short of sensory overload and so, having rating of 98.48 percent. Fascinating, eh? spontaneously risen to my feet at the The Vikings fail to make any progress on Vikings’ arrival, I wisely elect to sit down, their next drive and the Steelers have what breathe deeply and relax.

SPORTS TALK’S RESIDENT OAP CLIVE AGRAN HEADS TO WEMBLEY TO PERUSE NFL CHEERLEADERS mericans do things differently.

Everyone knows they call football ‘soccer’ but, far worse than that, they mix peanut butter and jam (which they call ‘jelly’) together in a sandwich. Yuck! A survey taken in 2002 revealed that the average American gorges on approximately 2,500 of these disgusting abominations before even graduating from high school.

Rather irritatingly, and in contrast to the rest of the world, when listing football fixtures (both soccer and NFL), Americans put the home team second, which is simply crazy. So if the Kansas City Chiefs are at home to the Green Bay Packers it is written: Green Bay Packers v Kansas City Chiefs. Quite how they came to do anything as daft as that is almost as unclear as why they decided it would be a sage idea if everyone was allowed to carry a gun.

Despite all their absurdities, you have to love Americans. Apart from anything else, it’s hard not to warm to their innocent enthusiasm for life and the NFL in particular, which, to my mind at any rate, is so huge – both figuratively and literally – that it has taken over from baseball as the quintessential US sport.

Discounting Canada, which is easily and frequently done, the fact that no-one else plays the game only enhances its appeal. And that’s why I felt compelled to venture to London’s Wembley Stadium on a mild autumnal evening to watch the Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Minnesota Vikings. This is no purposeless, friendly exhibition match; as the Yanks themselves would say, “It’s for real!”

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we experts call ‘good field position’. R’berger – let’s call him that to save space, and since I am not paid by the letter – is almost intercepted, the drive comes to nothing and the Steelers punt on fourth down.

Watching the game is comparatively straightforward but, although I can follow the ball in flight quite easily, I seem to buy most of the fakes and dummies made by both quarterbacks and frequently wonder where the hell the ball is. I think the cheerleaders are part of the problem as they undoubtedly create an alluring (or perhaps Siren-like) distraction.

Adrian Peterson’s claims to be the best running back in the NFL are given a boost when he weaves his way through the Steelers’ defence and dashes 60 yards for another sensational touchdown to make it 17-10 to the Vikings – and cue another loud blast on the big horn. How did they ever get that thing on the plane and what on earth did Heathrow customs make of it?

R’berger is sacked on the Steelers’ next possession on third-and-goal from the three and Pittsburgh have to settle for a field goal, which leaves them just seven points adrift. One final drive from the Vikings ends on the Steelers 20-yard line and the resulting field goal restores the ‘home’ team’s 10 point advantage and leaves Pittsburgh only 39 seconds to respond before the interval. They don’t succeed and the half ends with the score 20-10.

100 or so footballers, countless coaches, assistants, assistant coaches, coaching assistants, half-a-dozen referees, the drum band, yardage measurers and, most important of all, the cheerleaders leave the pitch as I head inside hoping for a burger and Coke. But the food in the press lounge is miserable and the American journos are not happy. A nondescript pie and vaguely-spiced oven chips doesn’t match up to the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches these guys enjoy back home. Britain’s reputation for culinary

excellence takes a hit every bit as hard as iff it had come from the heaviest linebacker, which yet further research reveals is the Steelers’ Alameda Ta’amu at 348lb.

The second half or third quarter (whichever you prefer) gets off to a dramatic start when a 48-yard pass interference call on a big heave from R’berger puts the Steelers on the Vikings’ one-yard line. Up pops our old friend Le’Veon (who else?) to leap over and score.

That call was a big blow to the Vikings but their cheerleaders somehow manage to keep smiling. How brave!

The next Vikings drive is impressive and ends when the great Peterson dashes in from seven yards out to score. That’s his second touchdown and he’s now gained over 100 yards, which is something of a milestone, apparently, on just 13 carries.

Soon after I witness my first ever, live, in-the-flesh interception when Stan Greenway of the Vikings picks off R’berger’s pass to give the men from Minnesota possession on the Steelers’ 37-yard line. A 16-yard touchdown pass to Greg Jennings (his second touchdown) stretches the Vikings’ lead to 34-17. Will the Steelers show their true mettle and bounce back? Their next drive fizzles out, as does the Vikings’.

We’re now into the final quarter and there’s another Steelers touchdown.

Goodness me, I am getting value for money.

This time it’s receiver Jericho Cotchery (another lovely name) who crashes into the end zone. It’s 34-24 to the Vikings with just under 13 minutes remaining.

In a game where 30 seconds can seem like a lifetime, that’s more than enough for the Steelers to steal (or should I say steel?) this one. The Vikings miss a 42-yard field goal attempt. However, Blair Walsh could be forgiven because he had been successful with his previous 18 attempts.

After a nine-play drive, the Steelers’ Shaun Suisham kicks a 28-yard field goal to

narrow the gap to just seven points again. There are three minutes and 37 seconds to go and the Steelers have all three time-outs left, so it looks like we’re in for a thrilling climax. What’s more, the Vikings have blown a lead in each of the three games they’ve played so far this season. Tense times, but you wouldn’t know it to look at the cheerleaders, which I do quite a bit. Are they fitter (in the traditional sense) than the players, since they’re at it the whole time with no replacements constantly coming on to provide relief?

The Vikings begin their next possession on their own 20-yard line. It doesn’t last long, however, and the Steelers commence what should prove to be the critical drive on their own 22-yard line with one minute and 43 seconds remaining in the ball game. R’berger spikes the ball to stop the clock with the Steelers on the Vikings’ 20-yard line with one minute and 13 seconds left. This is tense stuff.

Now the Steelers have a first down on the Vikings’ six-yard line with 20 seconds left on the clock. FUMBLE! R’berger drops the ball on third down and goal, a purple shirt pounces on it and the game is effectively over.

The match finishes 34-27 to the Vikings. Had the Steelers scored a touchdown and secured the extra point which, as we now know, is a 98.48 percent chance, we would have had sudden-death overtime. But they didn’t and so the Vikings go crazy and it’s an extremely emotional moment as the cheerleaders wave goodbye. I am sure they were just as sad to see me leave as I was them!

NOVEMBER 2013

SPORTS TALK

15

KEVIN PIETERSEN

Following your emphatic 3-0 series win over Australia in the summer, do England go into the second of back-to-back Ashes as favourites?

It doesn’t help to call us the favourites. Perhaps we are, but the tag really doesn’t help – nor does all the hype in the build-up to the series. It was a comfortable victory in England, but it is without doubt a very different proposition playing the Ashes on Aussie soil. We were successful there last time, winning 3-1 in 2010-2011. We have a very experienced squad, who can certainly handle the pressure.

There’s not much between the sides in the bowling department, so I think the team who bats best will triumph.

That’s where we have a clear advantage.

The First Test in Brisbane will be your 100th – how sentimental will that be?

I am looking forward to it. Being able to play international cricket at such a high level for so long is a dream come true, but when I walk out to the crease it will just be like any other innings. You can’t let emotions cloud performances. Those who do rarely reach 100 Tests, or get over-awed by the big occasions.

I try to keep a neutral mindset and only savour those types of moments retrospectively.

What do you make of Aussie coach Darren Lehmann’s view that England’s brand of cricket is “dour”?

I have read his comments, and ignored them! None of the great coaches in the modern era spout such rubbish. If I was

NOVEMBER 2013

SPORTS TALK

17

KEVIN PIETERSEN Darren, I would be pretty embarrassed. The phrase ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’ springs to mind. Darren is obviously trying to play mind games, but that’s not a tactic that’s going to work. He can berate our style of cricket all he wants, but we will still win.

highest score in Manchester was just 60. Part of me really didn’t see the point in turning up. However, my wife Jessica – ever the voice of reason – correctly pointed out that the pitch had changed, and was a bit more spinny. She told me to treat the venue as new, and that was my approach.

How do you assess your performance in the last Ashes – was the classy 113 in the Third Test at Old Trafford up there with your 186 in Mumbai in November 2012?

Has your spat with former captain Andrew Strauss during last summer’s South Africa series been resolved?

Sunil Gavaskar called the 186 the greatest ever innings on Indian soil. It would be pretty arrogant for me to agree with him, so I’ll leave it for others to decide. I don’t think the 113 was quite up there with it, but it was a very important match-saving innings.

Those are the centuries I love to score – when my runs bail the team out of a tricky situation. The Aussies had declared on 527-7 and we had our work cut out. Fortunately, with a bit of help from bad light, we were able to draw the match and retain the conditions in Mumbai were certainly Ashes. The co tougher, but Old Trafford has been the least tougher ffruitful ground for me since I moved to England 13 years ago. I was actually joking with my family that I probably shouldn’t play in the Test since my

It has blown over. I went to Andrew’s house to apologise and we have moved on. That said, I was pretty disappointed with some of the comments in his autobiography and I await my royalties! The important thing is I am back in the side and our dressing room is stable. There was a horrible point when my England future was under threat. Thankfully we have resolved the situation. Andrew made his own decision to stand down, which wasn’t linked to me, but based on feeling the team needed a new leader for this year’s two Ashes series. Similarly, I had no personal vendetta against him. I was frustrated with the ECB because I felt I should be allowed to play for both England and in the Indian Premier League. The papers spectacularly ignored the facts and instead manufactured hatred between us. They need to sell copies, so write whatever they want. You would be

SerEm aruptur solupicae.

Solorem.

Oditatur, sequas quibuscia quo optae non conet optatissit mo tem eaquam

KEVIN PIETERSEN Born: 27 June 1980 Nickname: KP Position: Right-handed batsman Height: 6ft 4 ODI debut: 28 November 2004 v Zimbabwe ODI average: 41.78 Test debut: 21 July 2005 v Australia Test average: 48.38

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SPORTS TALK

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Pietersen and Moores were barely on speaking terms when the former resigned as England captain in January 2009

I NOW UNDERSTAND THE POLITICS OF THE ECB AND HOW TO HANDLE A DRESSING ROOM FULL OF DIFFERENT EMOTIONS. MAYBE ONE DAY I CAN HAVE ANOTHER GO AT BEING CAPTAIN, BUT I’M NOT HOLDING MY BREATH. nuts to believe anything you read about me in them. Most of the time it is nonsense. Straussy and I are fine.

KP vs AUSTRALIA Date

Test

Venue

1st

2nd

Result

21 July 2005

1

Lord's

57

64*

Lost by 239 runs Won by 2 runs

4 Aug 2005

2

Birmingham

71

20

11 Aug 2005

3

Manchester

21

0

Draw

But is it true you sent an abusive text questioning Strauss’ captaincy during the series?

25 Aug 2005

4

Nottingham

45

23

Won by 3 wickets

8 Sept 2005

5

The Oval

14

158

Draw

I wouldn’t use the term abusive, but I did send something. I went to Andrew’s house to apologise and we have moved on.

The whole incident is water off a duck’s back. I have no interest in talking about it anymore.

23 Nov 2006

1

Brisbane

16

92

Lost by 277 runs Lost by 6 wickets

1 Dec 2006

2

Adelaide

158

2

14 Dec 2006

3

Perth

70

60*

Lost by 206 runs

26 Dec 2006

4

Melbourne

21

1

Lost by an innings & 99 runs Lost by 10 wickets

How has Strauss’ replacement, Alistair Cook, settled in?

2 Jan 2007

5

Sydney

41

29

Cooky is a superb captain. He really hit the ground running in India, which isn’t easy to do, and to follow that up with an Ashes victory in his first year in charge is quite astonishing. He is a very composed batsman: capable of explosive scoring or slow, intelligent play to build an innings. Cooky is already challenging some of Sachin Tendulkar’s records and that shows you his class.

8 July 2009

1

Cardiff

69

8

Draw

16 July 2009

2

Lord's

32

44

Won by 115 runs

25 Nov 2010

1

Brisbane

43

DNB

Draw

3 Dec 2010

2

Adelaide

227

DNB

Won by an innings & 71 runs

16 Dec 2010

3

Perth

0

3

Lost by 267 runs

26 Dec 2010

4

Melbourne

51

DNB

Won by an innings & 157 runs

3 Jan 2011

5

Sydney

36

DNB

Won by an innings & 83 runs

10 July 2013

1

Nottingham

14

64

Won by 14 runs

18 July 2013

2

Lord's

2

5

Won by 347 runs

1 Aug 2013

3

Manchester

113

8

Draw

9 Aug 2013

4

Durham

26

44

Won by 74 runs

21 Aug 2013

5

The Oval

50

62

Draw

You were captain between 2008-2009, would you ever consider the role again?

I don’t think I’d ever be asked again if I am honest! Things didn’t really work out, due to now well-publicised friction with [former coach] Peter Moores, resulting in both of our departures. I never say never. I would do a very, very good job

NOVEMBER 2013

SPORTS TALK

19

KEVIN PIETERSEN

QUICK QUESTIONS What football team do you support?

Chelsea, which is probably why I took issue with Jack Wilshere!

I hope Jose

KP’s 113 against Australia at Old Trafford is one of the finest ever Ashes innings

if I was given a second chance, since I now understand the politics of the ECB and how to handle a dressing room full of different emotions.

Maybe one day I can have another go at being captain, but I’m not holding my breath.

Arsenal footballer Jack Wilshere believes only English people should play for England. As a South African-born Englishman, what is your response?

As a proud Englishman, I totally disagree with Jack.

I am very active on Twitter and when I saw his comments I let him know what I think. As ever, the discussion between the two of us was nothing more than a frank but polite exchange of views. It got unnecessarily blown into a feud. I have a British mother and passport, so why shouldn’t I be able to play for England? I am sure the likes of Mo Farah or Justin Rose would agree. You follow the rules laid down by your governing body, which I have never breached, and thus I am fully entitled to play for England. Jack is entitled to his opinion, but in cricket if you excluded, for example, the South-African born guys through the ages (Basil D’Oliviera, Tony Greig, Ian Greig, Allan Lamb, Chris Smith, Robin Smith, Andrew Strauss, Matt Prior, Jonathan Trott) you’d be without some extremely pivotal players.

Will you play in next year’s Indian Premier League?

Of course, and I can’t wait! I love the IPL. It’s a great tournament and experience and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. To my relief, there’s no scheduling issues. I can play in the IPL for five weeks and then join up with England.

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SPORTS TALK

NOVEMBER 2013

Mourinho’s return works t All I know k i he h out. is makes every single player feel like he’s the world’s best in his position, and his appointment has had some really strong feedback from the dressing room.

What’s your favourite Dubai landmark?

My friend owns a restaurant called Caramel in DIFC. Every single time I come to the UAE I always go there… but only because it’s free!

What was the last book you read?

I have just finished Tyler Hamilton’s The Secret Race, which is about doping in the Tour de France. It’s a fascinating (if slightly worrying) read.

What do you do to relax?

I am actually a wildlife buff, so I watch the National Geographic or Discovery Channel.

INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM » INTERVIEWS » PREVIEWS

FIRST HALF

24 TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP Swede Henrik Stenson is on course to win the FedEx Cup and Race to Dubai in the same season

28 JOEL SJOHOLM Atlantis’ European Tour pro may have missed the Race to Dubai finale, but he’s got a big role to play during the event

32 MIKE TYSON ‘Iron Mike’ is in Dubai for his one-man Undisputed Truth show, where he reveals he is lucky to still be alive

TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP

A faster, firmer Earth Course will host this November’s season-ending Tour Championship, writes Bob Brown

24

SPORTS TALK

NOVEMBER 2013

DP WORLD TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP When: 14-17 November Where: Jumeirah Golf Estates Tickets: Free Website: dpwtc.com

T

his November’s (14-17) DP World Tour Championship will round off a surprising European Tour season full of sensational comebacks and surprising flops.

Swede and former Dubai resident Henrik Stenson is in pole position to make history as the first winner of both the $10 million FedEx Cup and Race to Dubai in the same season, but it’s Rory McIlroy’s shock demise that has stolen all the headlines over the past 11 months.

The 24-year-old won last year’s Tour Championship and was all smiles as he also lifted the hefty Race to Dubai trophy, in the presence of lapdogs from former agent Horizon and excitable ex-girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki.

It is unclear which subsequent split was more acrimonious, but clearly neither has helped the prodigiously talented Ulsterman get close to a title this year. McIlroy’s sole triumph in 2013 is a ‘Mickey Mouse’ exhibition victory over Nike stablemate Tiger Woods at Mission Hills in China.

With just two events remaining before the season-ending finale at Greg Norman’s Earth Course, the world No.6 is currently languishing in 62nd – two places below the cut.

Thankfully for the tournament, the prize money at the WGC

HSBC Champions and Turkish Open should mean the two-time Major winner sneaks into the top 60.

2011 Race to Dubai champion Luke Donald is only one spot above McIlroy after an equally pitiful year. The former world No.1 has mustered just four sub-70 rounds (compared to 24 last year) and no titles or top five finishes in 11 events.

At the other extreme, Stenson has emphatically re-announced himself with far more composed and thus consistent golf, and is now odds-on to qualify for his first Ryder Cup since 2008. The 37-year-old, who has climbed to world No.4, puts his resurgence down to regaining full fitness.

“People don’t realise poor health was the main reason for my patchy golf between 2009-2012,” he told Sports Talk. “In 2002 I lacked consistency, but I rebuilt my swing with Pete Cowan and got up to world No.4 by 2009. Then, that year, I went on holiday for Christmas and came back with a parasite in my blood. This stripped me of my physical strength and took 18 months to diagnose, let alone cure. A tired golfer is not a good one, and that was the reason for my decline. Now I am fit, I am back to my best.”

Whereas Stenson’s rich PGA Tour form, including two FedEx Cup playoff wins (Deutsche Bank Championship,

NOVEMBER 2013

SPORTS TALK

25

TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP Tour Championship) can’t be knocked, the bulk of his Race to Dubai earnings have come from just three tournaments: runner-up finishes at The Open and WGC Bridgestone Invitational, and third place in the PGA Championship. Given all three events are also PGA-sanctioned, Stenson’s success does somewhat devalue the Race to Dubai concept. The Ladies European Tour Order of Merit suffers the same problem. This year’s leader, Suzan Petterson, has only played in three events yet holds a whopping €270k advantage over second-paced Lee-Anne Pace. Perhaps, like Formula One, both Tours should consider a points-based ranking system, to prevent one-off big-money champions cultivating such extravagant leads.

That said, Stenson isn’t quite over the finish line just yet, although he does hold a €500k lead over Graeme McDowell, with Justin Rose (who was unlucky not to win the Tour Championship last year) in third place – largely due to his US Open victory – and certainly not out of the picture.

Consequently, the Race to Dubai remains intriguing, even if some of the biggest names in golf are absent from the fold for the first time since the concept began in 2009.

This is partly due to the magnetic pull of the PGA Tour, which has drawn Europe’s top names into committing to an increasingly US-centric schedule. Still, that certainly doesn’t mean the European Tour has been without drama or intrigue. There have been emotional triumphs for former Ryder Cup heroes Paul Casey (Irish Open) and Dubai resident David Howell (Alfred Dunhill Links); young players like Tommy Fleetwood and American Peter Uihlein have also announced themselves with impressive victories; and Golf in Abu Dhabi ambassador Matteo Manassero underlined his extraordinary potential with victory at the flagship PGA Championship at Wentworth – his fifth, at just 20 years of age.

SWEDE AND FORMER DUBAI RESIDENT HENRIK STENSON IS IN POLE POSITION TO MAKE HISTORY AS THE FIRST WINNER OF BOTH THE $10 MILLION FEDEX CUP AND RACE TO DUBAI IN THE SAME SEASON, BUT IT’S RORY MCILROY’S SHOCK DEMISE THAT HAS STOLEN ALL THE HEADLINES OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS. The European Tour’s bid to ensure its top names remain ‘loyal’ in 2014 will be boosted by the chase for Ryder Cup spots, but even without this lure it is not all doom and gloom.

Those who argue otherwise must face up to one telling fact. For the past two years, the victor at Jumeirah Golf Estates has been both world No.1 and the winner of both the European and American money lists. And this year Stenson may carve a fresh piece of history, as the first player to win both the FedEx Cup and the Race to Dubai in the same season. The European Tour may have its issues, but its Dubai finale once again looks set for drama of the highest level. As ever, spectators will be treated to the greatest show on Earth.

Stenson is vying to become the third consecutive golfer, after Luke Donald (2011) and Rory McIlroy (2012), to top the money lists in Europe and America in the same season 26

SPORTS TALK

NOVEMBER 2013

296 278

EARTH’S GOLDEN MILE Course designer Greg Norman talks us through Earth’s final four holes

255 221

PAR 4, 486 YARDS

352 307 307

255

16

Significantly longer than the previous hole, this is a dogleg right played over a falaj to a broad fairway that slopes away from the tee and will carry longer drives even further. The large lake to which the fairway slopes influences the entire fairway right up to the green. Again, a high-risk shot will give you the most reward onto the green.

15

PAR 4, 371 YARDS

This short par-four is the beginning of a fantastic final stretch. A straight hole played uphill, it is nothing but risk and reward. A low attracts everything to the left of the fairway, which pushes up right under the green.

This tee shot has to be played to the left to get the best reward. The safety shot to follow means playing over the low area into a green that slopes away towards a deep low.

PAR 3, 195 YARDS

17

220

A fantastic but precise short par-three. This iconic hole is a true island green. Club selection is crucial. Wind from any direction will make this very difficult, with the tight island green surrounded by a selection of bunkers offering the green the maximum protection. If you’re lucky a stray shot will only find the bunkers; further misdirection will leave you wet for sure.

171

PAR 5, 618 YARDS

18

A long par-five hole to finish, with water off the tee to the right and a falaj at the landing area. The second shot can be played either directly towards the green or up the left, as a falaj splits the fairway in two for its entire length.

Although there is more risk involved, the shot played right is narrower but opens up the green for approach, whereas the shot played left is easier but brings into play a large group of dangerous bunkers. The green is raised and uphill from the fairway with the falaj off to the left. This is a true challenge for the ultimate finale.

324 310

ONES TO WATCH HENRIK STENSON

JUSTIN ROSE

World ranking: 4 Race to Dubai ranking: 1 Events played: 13 2013 earnings: EUR 2,118,961

World ranking: 5 Race to Dubai ranking: 3 Events played: 10 2013 earnings: EUR 1,661,271

GRAEME McDOWELL

RICHARD STERNE

World ranking: 12 Race to Dubai ranking: 2 Events played: 11 2013 earnings: EUR 1,693,388

World ranking: 40 Race to Dubai ranking: 4 Events played: 18 2013 earnings: EUR 1,314,557

287 202

- 31

NOVEMBER JANUARY 2013

SPORTS TALK

37 27

JOEL SJOHOLM

SJOHOLM Sweet SJOHOLM

SWEDISH GOLFER JOEL SJOHOLM TELLS BEN JACOBS FIVE-STAR RESORT ATLANTIS IS HIS HOME FROM HOME

I

“It is a statement,” revealed Joel, who once bought 20 Atlanta f golf gave out Majors for drive (instead of drives), Braves caps in a single shopping spree! “Payne didn’t just win three approachability (instead of approaches) or wholesomeness Majors, he was also a delightful character. I was attracted by the (instead of holing out), Joel Sjoholm would undoubtedly be the way he dressed. He always tried to wear the same colours as the Swedish Tiger. The 28-year-old is easily the most loveable pro American football team of the city where he was playing. Next on Tour, which is why Atlantis chose to adopt him. season, I am going to attempt to theme my plus fours around the Sjoholm is used to multiple homes – not just through the flags of every country I compete in. It’s my way of giving back to constant (and, for most, arduous) travel associated with being a the fans – a thank you to them for taking the time to watch me. professional golfer. Born in an inauspicious corner of Santiago, “I also wear plus fours so that I am easily recognisable. I love Chile, he was adopted by Swedish parents at the tender age of three getting strange looks too! People see me and often double take. I months and taken to Gothenburg – a fortuitous move that would am sure they probably think, ‘Hang on, he can’t seriously be a pro!’ redefine his life.

I relish the chance to prove them wrong. I basically want my “I was very lucky to be rescued by such wonderful parents,” said clothing to elicit a reaction: love it, hate it, that’s totally up to you Sjoholm, who finished 66th in last season’s Race to Dubai rankings.

– just as long as you notice it!”

“They adopted my brother from Bolivia and, two years later, found Joel’s obvious selflessness and infectious inimitability make him a me in Chile. My dad is a fanatical golfer. He has been playing for 55 perfect fit for ambitious Atlantis, who are keen to strengthen their ties years. He first took me on a course when I was three and I with golf. For the fifth year, the iconic Palm-based resort is the official immediately fell in love with the sport. I used to drive my nanny up hotel of the Race to Dubai finale, while they have this year launched the wall because I wasn’t the best-behaved child, but when my their own Race to Atlantis concept. This has seen them venture father put a club in my hand I immediately felt at peace. I guess a outside the UAE – to Germany and Morocco – to stage international driver for me had the same effect as a dummy for most babies!” tournaments, aimed at giving amateur golfers around the world the Sjoholm’s upbringing has unquestionably given him a lust for chance to gain Pro-Am spots at the season-ending Tour life. He has no airs or graces – just an endearing genuineness to Championship. Sjoholm is the face of complement his larger than life personality. The world No.447 7 all this coverage and was specifically might not have won a European Tour event, and has missed out chosen because of his golfing potential on qualifying for this month’s Tour Championship, but a littlee and affable demeanour. like John Daly (just without the foul temperament), you simply ly “Joel is a fantastic character,” said can’t take your eyes off him.

Carl Palmlund, vice-president of group A self-assured introvert, albeit with a wacky side, Sjoholm sales at Atlantis. “He is extremely isn’t interested in parading outlandish pink pants, but his passionate and keen to help us grow clothing is nonetheless unique. The sanguine Swede always grassroots golf in the region. He has a takes to the course in plus fours – trousers made famous on g big the fairways by his idol, Payne Stewart. However, his b future ahead of him and we are ecstatic to have him representing our baseball-like attire – which is apt considering he is a fanatical e brand.

We simply couldn’t find a better Atlanta Braves fan – is far more than just a sentimental b Atlantis, The Palmlund: Through his work with golf Atlantis golf, ambassador.

Atlantis, a little like Joel, tribute to golf’s past. a Carl has really put Atlantis on the sporting map

28

SPORTS TALK

NOVEMBER 2013

JOEL SJOHOLM has evolved very quickly, but we are still relatively new and want to, through creative channels, help consolidate ourselves as the leading tourist hotspot in Dubai. Golf is certainly one way to do that.”

Modest Palmlund might bill Sjoholm as the star, but he has quietly orchestrated a golfing revolution at Atlantis. Without his sterling efforts, Atlantis wouldn’t have such a strong affiliation with the European Tour. Unlike most host hotels, the players don’t just reside in the resort. It is instead one of the centrepieces of the tournament. As ever, it will host a plethora of player parties (at Seafire Steakhouse and Nobu), while this year the iconic Bridge Suite will be used to host the world’s first golf hole in a hotel.

“We have a magnificent stunt planned with some of the world’s top golfers,” explained Palmlund. “Some of last year’s Ryder Cup players, and Race to Dubai leader Henrik Stenson, will be teeing off our Bridge Suite in a unique, and visually spectacular, hole-in-one challenge that will make headlines around the world. We have built a floating green in the sea, which is 240 yards from the tee box. We have already done some trials and it seems an eight- or nine-iron is the best club to use – not that I have managed a hole-in-one myself!

Our guests are going to really enjoying watching the world’s best golfers try and get aces and one or two may even be able to have a go themselves.”

Palmlund is certainly keeping Sjoholm busy so, in a perverse way, his unfortunate year on the course is proving Atlantis’ gain. Joel does, however, have to focus on coming through the final stage of Qualifying School at Valle Romano in Spain between 10-15 November, to ensure he doesn’t lose his card, but still found time to host an Atlantis golf day on 4 November. Meanwhile, at the DP World Tour Championship he will be utilised as on-course pundit for Dubai Eye 103.8FM.

SWEDISH TORO Sjoholm’s love for golf and life are bound to make him an engaging and insightful listen on the radio. His unquenchable energy is certainly one of his biggest strengths, which is partly why his fellow pros call him the ‘Swedish Toro’ (Spanish for ‘Bull’): he has a raging appetite – especially off the course! Eating out comes with the

JOEL SJOHOLM Born: Santiago, Chile Age: 28 Height: 5ft 10in Weight: 95kg Turned Pro: 2008 Clubs: TaylorMade

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SPORTS TALK

SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 2012

territory in golf, so it is fortunate Joel is a bit of a food junkie. His favourite restaurant is Atlantis’ Japanese eatery Nobu, where he frequently devours the signature black cod.

“That dish is insanely good,” he smiled. “It has a meat-like texture, and so much taste, plus it is impeccably presented. You only have to look at me to know I enjoy snacking. However, I still haven’t picked up a single cheque at Atlantis because I am too scared of it!”

One thing jovial Joel clearly isn’t scared of is a new challenge. He is the antithesis of analytical Padraig Harrington, who frequently wakes up in a cold sweat obsessing about nothing but golf, or Tiger Woods, who rarely embraces other sports or leisure activities for fear of breaking a nail (or, worse still, snapping his dodgy Achilles heel).

The peppy Swede will bite your hand off for a fresh escapade, so it was poetic (if a tad hazardous) that Sports Talk decided to give Aquadventure’s stingrays the chance to bite back! Atlantis’ memorable food-feeding experience, which in reality is so safe that even small children can participate, further proved what a ray of sunshine Sjoholm is.

“It was the first time I had been ray-feeding,” said Joel, who also fancied a go on the water park’s Leap of Faith slide, which has a daring 27.5-metre near-vertical drop. “I saw loads of different species, but I was far too terrified to memorise their names! Once I shook off the initial nerves, though, it was brilliant fun!

“You get given a handful of shrimps, clutch them between your thumb and index finger and slowly lower the snack underwater. The rays then come hurtling towards you, like tiny water puppies.

“They suck the shrimp right out of your hand... usually without biting off your finger! They were really happy, hungry and just a little greedy – a bit like me! It is crucial to try these kinds of activities.

They help me forget about my woes and forge a full life away from the course. Golf takes a lot out of me, so it is important to maximise the small amount of free time I get.”

Despite narrowly missing out on a top 60 finish in the Race to Dubai, Sjoholm still earned €412,376 in 2012 – an ample sum to live comfortably. This year, he has managed just €143,899 (which when tax, travel and caddie costs are factored in doesn’t leave too much to spare) and is well outside the top 60 in 138th place.

As a result, Joel has started to question whether his commendable

life philosophy is entirely conducive to golf. Sadly, the answer is an emphatic no since, as with most sports, sacrifices are essential to reach the very top.

Swing tweaks (which turned Nick Faldo from an uninspiring plodder to a five-time Major champion) and weight loss (which catalysed Lee Westwood’s rise from world No.256 to No.1) are both necessary if 95-kg Sjoholm is to break into the world top 50. Being intelligent, he realises this, but is reluctant to smother his life with golf in case that kills his infatuation with the sport.

“I am almost schizophrenic,” he conceded. “One voice is telling me to relax and have fun, but the other wants to win at all costs. There are times when I am furious with my game and then, amidst the anger, I fully accept I may need some additional coaching, or to shed a few pounds, in order to succeed.

Yet, at the same time, I must never forget I was born on the streets of Chile and am so grateful to my parents for the upbringing they gave me. Had they not taken me to Sweden I might be dead now – who knows. I could easily have endured a horrible life, but instead I am living out my dream.”

Sjoholm’s top European Tour finish to date is third place at the 2011 Sicilian Open, while his most lucrative payday (and arguably the best performance of his career) was joint fourth in last October’s Alfred Dunhill Links Championship. He also contended at the 2012 Dubai Desert Classic, finishing joint ninth, five shots adrift of Spanish winner Rafael CabreraBello, and has just come off a rousing season-best joint-seventh finish at the Perth International.

However, by Sjoholm’s own admission, he has struggled for consistency. Perhaps this is because for him golf is more about feel than science, so he rarely analyses his swing. Of course, Bubba Watson, who claims never to have had a proper golf lesson, proved you can win a Major that way at last year’s Masters, but Joel isn’t content with one spontaneous if glorious triumph. He is desperate to eradicate the erraticness from his game.

“Every time I put in a quality display, the next tournament my golf was a pile of... you know what!”

he admitted. “I think that’s because when I played well I shot up the rankings, so it felt like I’d won. I thus relaxed and stopped practising as hard, which can’t happen. The kidss in Sweden can’t see this kind of attitude since it looks like I am just taking the money and then crawling back into my own wn shadow, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

“The aim is to develop a steadier game and hopefully lly climb into the world top 50. That would open up doors rs to all the Majors and really help me move to the next level. el. It haunts me that I haven’t yet won and, to do so, I need to start feeling I belong as a professional golfer. I think thee top players are able to flick a switch and suddenly become ome a killing machine on the course. I am going to work my y backside off to try and be like that.”

Sjoholm also harbours loftier ambitions, the biggest st of which is to be a part of both the 2016 Ryder Cup at Hazeltine ne National Golf Club and Sweden’s Rio. He n’s Olympic golf team in Rio fantasises about forming an Olazabal/Ballesteros-esque partnership for Europe alongside his best friend, Thorbjorn Olesen – a prodigious Danish talent who Joel is tipping to be a multiple Major-winner. The pair are known as ‘Batman and Robin’ on the European Tour.

“Thorbjorn is one to watch,” predicted Sjoholm. “He is the complete package. He has the game, personality and looks to be a global star. I can definitely see him winning Majors in the future. He could rival Rory McIlroy one day. I really hope the two of us can have a number of friendly battles in the future and also team up to play Ryder Cup golf.

“Normally I don’t like setting long-term targets, but it is pretty hard to ignore the Ryder Cup and Olympics in 2016. There is no reason why I can’t be part of both events. Golf is going to make a huge impact in Rio and we Swedes must do our bit by shouting and screaming about it now.

“I have spoken quite a bit to Thomas Bjorn about the magic of the Ryder Cup. We are neighbours at our summer cottage and he has also recently moved to Gothenburg.

He has taken both myself and Thorbjorn under his wing, so once again I am adopted!

Thomas has really helped set me straight and, given he has the trust and respect of all the European Tour golfers, deserves to be Ryder Cup captain one day. One thing most people don’t know about him is that he’s featured in five Ryder Cups, including twice as a player, and has never lost. For me, that proves his worth.”

Sjoholm is always quick to compliment others (and makes a powerful argument in relation to Bjorn), but perhaps he needs to start showering more praise on himself. It seems he doesn’t yet quite appreciate his own rare talent. For instance, in typical self-deprecating manner, he refers to 23-year-old Olesen as being at a “totally different level” to him, perhaps without contemplating just how far he has come since gaining his maiden European Tour card in 2011. Maybe the Swedish Bull needs to stop waving the red (Danish) flag and start following his own yellow (Swedish) brick road to success. One hopes signing with a five-star resort like Atlantis will make humble Joel realise what a five-star guy he is, and what a five-star golfer he can become.

I AM ALMOST SCHIZOPHRENIC. ONE VOICE IS TELLING ME TO RELAX AND HAVE FUN, BUT THE OTHER WANTS TO WIN AT ALL COSTS.

NOVEMBER 2013

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T

he ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ is no more.

He is an ogre confined to our memories. The savage fighter polite society came to regard as a monster is finally at rest. The rage that defined him both in and outside the ring, that petrified opponents and enthralled fans, is finally at bay.

What’s left is an intensely philosophical yet chronically depressed hulk who spends every day in a bout with mental demons for peace.

When Mike Tyson thinks about the way he was and the things he used to do, he smiles forlornly. Once, over a decade ago, he told a group of British journalists that he had grown “old too soon, smart too late”.

But against all expectations and in defiance of the violent chaos that used to rule his life, he has miraculously reached middle age – something even he didn’t expect to happen.

“I am supposed to be dead by now,” says Tyson, scratching his trademark tribal tattoo. “At 47, I am about 20 years older than I should be. I fully expected to be six feet under by 30. I look back on my boxing career and all

I see is a pig – a piece of dirt, which a bunch of users lapped up like dog food. I see a joke, a sad figure, somebody who was pretty stupid. I am lucky I didn’t end up in prison for murder, or in a ditch somewhere. I now want to die a married man, not doing a line of cocaine in a strip joint. My days of fighting and acting like a blood-thirsty conqueror are over. I want to be a husband, a father… a pussycat.”

At 47, Tyson has found at least a semblance of the happiness that once seemed so far beyond his (71-inch) reach. Between 7-8 November, he will grace Dubai World Trade Centre as part of his global one-man show, Undisputed Truth, where he lays bare his life, career… and incomprehensible fetish for pigeons.

Fittingly, the sell-out show, directed by Spike Lee, began at the MGM in Las Vegas – a place where ‘Iron Mike’ topped the bill countless times, including that fateful night, 27 June 1997, when he chewed off a chunk of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

“I still can’t believe I did that,” sighs Tyson, who was promptly disqualified. “At the time the press billed me as

Ahead of the visit of his one-man show to Dubai, Mike Tyson tells Oliver Holt he is secretly insecure

MIKE TYSON some kind of crazy cannibal, but when I bit Evander I was just being an animal. I was the king of the jungle, like the lion. I didn’t care about boxing, and I definitely didn’t feel guilty for what I had done. Yeah, I issued an apology, but it was a fake one – the kind of thing a school bully does after he gets caught. I was just on drugs and thought I was an untouchable god. In hindsight, I regret my actions, but back then I saw biting off Evander’s ear as not just normal but a career high.”

Tyson may not act (metaphorically or literally) like a ravenous cannibal anymore – although he was the first to empathise with Luis Suarez after the Liverpool striker snacked on Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic last April – but the unnerving speed with which he moves from articulate introspection to fierce disdain still makes any interviewer fearful for the safety of their own lobes! Nonetheless, it is clear Mike has entered a new phase of life – a sombre but stable one.

“At the peak of my boxing career, I got a bit addicted to being a bad boy,” Mike concedes. “People thus meet me and fear I am going to eat them! They are really quite surprised to see me without my war-face on. I am not as confident as I look. As a kid, I always saw myself as a ratty, insecure boy – the lonely, fat kid with asthma. It was only when I started beating the crap out of my opponents and enemies that I felt confident I wouldn’t be bullied anymore.

“I am relieved to have now stepped out of the ring and onto the stage. It means I am still in front of huge audiences, but in a much more relaxed environment. I am a big glory freak, so I need the buzz of performing to stay sound. In short, I am an egomaniac. I like being a peacock and strutting on the stage.

“I guess I was born to entertain. It just so happens that the first way I found of doing that was by fighting. Now I have moved on to another way: by dancing, singing and telling stories.

I still make people cry but in a sympathetic way, not because I am causing them pain.”

As a result, the tamer Tyson has developed a whole new generation of minions – movie buffs who know him as the cameo star of The Hangover, admirers who saw him inducted into the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame in Miami last year.

In hindsight, he now talks with a mixture of pity and curiosity about the kid who became, at 20, the youngest world heavyweight champion there has ever been.

In 1986, a young Tyson sent Jamaican Trevor Berbick stumbling round the ring like a drunk en route to a second-round knockout at the Las Vegas Hilton and, along with pummelling the previously unbeaten Michael Spinks in Atlantic City in 1988, this was probably his career high – although neither victories are memories Mike relishes revisiting.

“I hate re-watching old fights,” says Tyson, who won 50 of his 58 fights with 44 knockouts.

“I don’t like who I see. Life was like a hurricane then – a naked tornado that rips through town and leaves so much wreckage. These days I look back and ask, ‘What on earth happened there?’

Back then, though, during all that destruction, there was also this odd sense of calm.

UNDISPUTED TRUTH When: 7-8 November Where: Dubai World Trade Centre Tickets: from AED 195 Website: miketysondxb.com

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I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD BY NOW. AT 47, I AM ABOUT 20 YEARS OLDER THAN I SHOULD BE. I FULLY EXPECTED TO BE SIX FEET UNDER BY 30. I LOOK BACK ON MY BOXING CAREER AND ALL I SEE IS A PIG. When I battered a boxer the madness momentarily stopped.

“At 20, I held the WBA, WBC and IBF heavyweight titles, but that achievement quickly went to my head. I thought I was untouchable. I wish I could go back in time and talk to my younger self. He was so angry, and for no real reason, since he had it all. I should have been a happy little kid having fun, yet the more success I had the crazier I became.”

The truth, of course, is that there were plenty of reasons for Tyson to be mega-irate. His father, Jimmy, deserted the family when he was two and he ran wild in the notorious Brooklyn suburb of Brownsville. He had been arrested 38 times by the age of 13 and spent several years in borstal before he was taken into the care of boxing trainer Cus D’Amato, who was a positive influence but hardly quelled his rage.

“Cus made me a boxer,” explains Tyson. “He was really extreme.

I didn’t realise white people could be so vengeful until I met him. He never shut up about revenge. He once saw President Reagan on television and started screaming, ‘Liar! Liar! Liar!’. Then he turned to me and asked me if I agreed. It wasn’t worth arguing!

“Cus would fight you until you came around to his view. He taught me to always get my way, and not to be afraid to maim someone. Before I met him I was terrified some punk would blow my brains out. He transformed me into a swashbucklin’ fighter and in doing so took away my fear, but also a part of my humanity.”

On D’Amato’s advice, Tyson channeled his wrath in the ring, but victory wasn’t enough. He wanted to kill his foes.

Snacking on Holyfield was just one example. Two years later, Iron Mike was accused of trying to break Francois Botha’s arm in their non-title fight.

Tragically, Tyson’s seemingly unquenchable desire for assault, coupled with his god complex, wasn’t entirely confined to the ring. He was convicted of rape in 1992, spending three years in jail, and came out not so much a changed as an embittered man.

His distaste for life festered for almost a decade, then came to a real head in 2002 after he agreed to fight Lennox Lewis. In January that year, I sat a few rows back from the stage at the Hudson Theater in New York for the formal fight announcement. It quickly (and dramatically) descended into a brawl as

Tyson says he didn’t plan to bite off Holyfield’s ear, but got sick of being headbutted and reacted instinctively with his teeth since I didn’t have to think. It was catch-22, though: I was a horrible but happy person. However, once I realised I was past it, life got very hard.”

Born: 30 June, 1966 Tyson’s general disdain for human interaction led to him becoming Nickname: increasingly reclusive; and when his Iron Mike, Baddest Man on the Planet, four-year-old daughter, Exodus, died in Kid Dynamite 2009 after trapping her neck in the cord of a treadmill, Mike went even further Height: 5ft 10 into his shell. However, on the cusp of a Reach: 71in mental breakdown, he was thankfully Fights: 58 able to revel in a rather unorthodox Wins: 50 source of comfort – pigeons!

KOs: 44 “After my daughter died, I had Losses: 6 two choices. One was to go out and kill some people, the other was to Draws: 0 start a new life,” says Tyson. “I No contests: 2 picked the latter, and pigeons helped me make this call. I feel ridiculous explaining why. I have just always liked them. They are so similar to humans, but much more loyal. They just keep me sane. I look at them and it’s a bit like seeing a psychiatrist.

“A lot of people ask me if I am happy now. I don’t know. I am not even sure what happiness is supposed to feel like. I guess as long as I’m not fighting with my wife and she isn’t running out of the house in the middle of the night with my kids, I am content.

My life is stable now. I am cool. I am where I want to be.”

For all of Tyson’s verbal insight, I am not sure he has quite found the key to serenity. He is almost trying too hard to be happy (if he uses the word enough times, perhaps he will convince himself that’s how he feels), when he really should just be thankful for being alive. There is undoubtedly a darkness that pervades his psyche that may never go away. Like Paul Gascoigne, though, he still feeds off attention and can entertain a crowd, which is why Undisputed Truth will be a must-watch show in Dubai. Yet perhaps the show has an ironic title. If anything, what you see on stage, and in fact everything Tyson says, must be taken with a pinch of salt. Behind closed doors, once all the fanfare dissipates, he still seems mentally fragile – the saddest not baddest man on the planet.’

MIKE TYSON

first Tyson threw a punch at Lewis’ minder and then all hell broke loose.

When Mike emerged (unscathed) from the melee, standing on the stage like the Frankenstein monster unchained, a journalist standing behind me who called himself ‘Scoop’ Malinowski baited him. “Someone get a straitjacket,” he yelled.

“He’s an animal. He belongs in a zoo.”

Tyson looked like he was about to climb down into the audience and take Malinowski out. He wanted to. That was obvious. Instead, he settled for screaming and gesturing at him from the stage and threatening to introduce him to a form of prison romance. He was a man out of control.

“By the time I was fighting Lennox I was so miserable,” he admits. “I just wished somebody would shoot me. I hated myself and everything around me. I heard Sugar Ray Leonard talking recently about how difficult he found it when his career was ending but it was 10 times worse for me. Imagine if he was in the position I was in when my career was over. People were still treating me like I was a champ, but I was sh*t, and I knew it.

“There is no way I miss boxing, but if I was 18 again it is still the first thing I would do. When I was fighting, I was at my best,

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Al Manzil Hotel Mohammed bin Rashid Boulevard | The Old Town | Downtown Dubai PO Box 114822 | Dubai, UAE Tel +971 (0)4 4285888 | Fax +971 (0)4 4285999 a l m a n z i l h o t e l . a e

BIG-NAME WRITERS » GUEST COLUMNISTS » DEBATE

HALF-TIME TALK

40 ANDREW STRAUSS The ex-England captain explains how his spat with Kevin Pietersen ruined his retirement

44 AWAY DRESSING ROOM Adrian Bridge enjoys a cosy encounter with a four-tour friend at the Anantara Golden Triangle Elephant Camp in Thailand

ANDREW STRAUSS

KP BETRAYAL TORE APART ALL I’D ACHIEVED WITH ENGLAND PIETERSEN RUINED MY 100TH TEST, BUT AT LEAST HE CAME TO MY HOUSE AND FULLY APOLOGISED, writes Andrew Strauss

I

make my way from the outfield at Lord’s, head bowed and dejected.

In the Long Room I avert my gaze from the inquisitive members as I head for the sanctuary of the dressing room. This is the last time I will make this walk as an England cricketer, although I am far too frustrated, tired and generally hacked off with life for it to be a rousing emotional affair.

I find my space in the far corner of the room, near the television set, and sit down. I pack my helmet in my kitbag and then bury my head in my hands. For 10 minutes I sit, unable to move. I still feel unbelievably frustrated at what has happened over the last seven days.

What is meant to be one of the great occasions in any cricketer’s

career, a 100th Test match, has been marred by events beyond my control. This is no celebration.

The England cricket team are in crisis again. Coach Andy Flower and I have found ourselves in the middle of a destabilising and potentially damaging PR game between Kevin Pietersen, the England cricket team and the ECB. I feel incredibly tired, as though I have simply run out of energy – I have nothing more to give.

I am also wallowing in a rising tide of sadness. This is not the way I wanted my England career to end.

It started days earlier when I took a call from Flower. “Straussy, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have received information that KP has sent some text messages to the South African players criticising you and

perhaps even giving them information on how to get you out. A newspaper is apparently in possession of the texts and intends to print them.”

I was dumbfounded. I wasn’t all that bothered about him sending texts to a few South African players he knew quite well. I did, however, have issues with him criticising me to the opposition. That felt like talking out of school, not to mention giving the opposition a way to drive a wedge between Pietersen and myself and the team. And if he really had given information about how to get me out, well that amounted to treachery and I would never forgive him.

It was impossible to move on without Kevin either refuting his sending the messages or apologising for sending them and letting us know

Andrew claims Pietersen only started to turn on him during the South Africa series, and before that they had always enjoyed an excellent professional and personal relationship

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ANDREW STRAUSS EX-ENGLAND TEST CAPTAIN

I WASN’T ALL THAT BOTHERED ABOUT HIM SENDING TEXTS TO A FEW SOUTH AFRICAN PLAYERS HE KNEW QUITE WELL. I DID, HOWEVER, HAVE ISSUES WITH KP CRITICISING ME TO THE OPPOSITION.

the substance of the texts. He was alleged to have referred to me as a ‘doos’ – an Afrikaans word which means a ‘box’ but which in slang can have another more insulting meaning.

From that moment, clear battle lines were drawn between Pietersen and the ECB, with both sides involved in a PR/legal battle to gain public support and cover themselves in the event of litigation. As I watched this unfold, prior to my final Test, I became increasingly tired and exasperated by the legal speak. To me, it was a clear case: someone had overstepped the team boundaries. If KP wanted to come back into the fold then he would have to apologise and accept punishment. Then we could move on.

The fact that he and his representatives were engaging in a PR damagelimitation exercise worried me greatly. It gave the impression he was more concerned with coming out of the saga in the best possible light than with doing the right thing by his teammates. With the clock ticking down, it became apparent we were not going to get to the bottom of the issue before the start of the game.There was no option, therefore, other than to leave him out of the side.

After being dropped for the Test, KP admitted sending ‘provocative’ text messages and after the match came to my house and sincerely apologised. I accepted his apology

and hold no grudges against him. I am also confident, in retrospect, that he did not give the South Africans information on how to get me out.

The far greater issue was one of trust. There were many involved with English cricket, including myself, who felt particularly let down. Stuff that should have stayed in the dressing room had played out in front of the media. The nagging frustration I still have is that all of that time, effort and commitment from our players over a three-year period to make our environment special and different were undermined in one episode.

I am very uncomfortable with the notion that the whole circus came about because of issues between KP and myself. I had replaced him as England captain in 2009, but up to the Headingley Test match against South Africa we had never had any significant disputes. The text messages were a big problem but they stemmed from a long-standing and far bigger issue between Kevin and the board.

KP took over as England captain in 2008 but there were two obvious drawbacks to his appointment: he and England coach Peter Moores were barely on speaking terms, and KP would have to convince the players he genuinely cared for the team and his teammates, rather than doing the job purely for his own

Did KP’s abusive text message directly lead to Strauss resigning as England captain and retiring from cricket? Tell us your thoughts via yourview@mesportstalk.com

Andrew Strauss’ Driving Ambition is published by Hodder & Stoughton and available for AED 100.To order a copy call +44 8444 724 157

advancement. Although we all appreciated his ability to turn a match on its head, there were still question marks about his commitment. He was very much the superstar, and superstars often like to separate themselves from mere mortals.

KP and Moores became an open topic of discussion among the team and support staff. The players felt exposed and vulnerable. It was clear that manoeuvring was going on: Pietersen was talking to senior players about what he thought was wrong with the set-up, while Moores was also trying to seek advice about how to move forward. The players were caught in the middle, either feeling pressure to take sides or denying that anything was going on.

I understood and agreed with some of Pietersen’s concerns with Moores’ methods but my instinct was to work with someone rather than against him. I couldn’t see how forcing the issue, which was apparently what KP was trying to do, was going to help. Driving wedges between players and support staff, who were fiercely loyal to Moores, was never going to have the desired effect. The only way out was for Moores and Pietersen to get in a room together and thrash out their differences, but the testy relationship they had shared prior to Kevin becoming captain did not allow them to do that.

It was clear the ECB were going to have to sort out the situation. If they decided to support Pietersen, then Moores and his support staff would have every reason to feel betrayed. In effect, the ECB would be yielding to the captain’s demands.

If, however, they decided to keep the coach in place, they faced losing their newly-appointed captain, and they would be ignoring some of the discontent in the squad. Once the prospect of rapprochement had been ruled out, they had only one course of action – get rid of both of them.

There is no doubt that the way his stint in charge of the England team ended was a significant assault on KP’s ego and he could easily have reacted far less graciously to the players, the management and me, his replacement as captain. But I admire the way KP came back into the team after being deposed. He stayed professional, worked hard on his

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ANDREW STRAUSS game and used his batting to settle his score with the ECB. However, his loyalty to English cricket, and the ECB in particular, was severely affected, and the simmering resentment came to the surface during the summer of 2012.

Kevin had been trying to secure more time for himself to play in the Indian Premier League after signing a contract reputedly worth $2 million with the Delhi Daredevils. The ECB were unwilling – rightly, in my opinion – to let any player either miss or not be properly prepared to play in a Test match in order to fulfil IPL obligations, and so an ugly stand-off ensued between Pietersen and the board, which was probably the backdrop to his suddenly retiring from ODI cricket shortly after the West Indies Test series.

Even his retirement caused trouble though, as our contracts did not allow a player to quit ODI cricket but still play the Twenty20 form of the game. The board were concerned about players picking and choosing the juicy Twenty20 format above the less coveted 50-over version. So Pietersen decided to miss World Twenty20 rather than back down.

While all this was going on, I largely stayed out of the fight. My involvement in the Pietersen/ECB dispute began just before the start of the South African series in July 2012. I had heard some troubling rumours he might be preparing to separate himself from English cricket after a further attempt to get the ECB to yield ground had failed.

At a golf day a few days before the First Test, I took him to one side to ask what was going on. It was clear he was far from happy. I challenged him to think about his legacy and the goals he wanted to reach with the rest of his career. Unfortunately, we were interrupted and it is fair to say that I did not know at the time quite how close he was to the edge.

In the lead-up to the Second Test at Headingley, the KP issue reared its head again. On the practice days he seemed completely withdrawn, as though he was consciously distancing himself from the team, and on the first day of the Test itself he appeared determined to let everyone in the ground know just how unhappy he was.

As captain, I could not let it go and I called him into a back room to

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Strauss and Pietersen never quite resorted to fisticuffs... except when they got in the ring with boxer James DeGale in 2009!

make it clear his behaviour was unacceptable. I was shocked by his lack of contrition and his apparent hostility towards me. It felt as though he was trying to goad me into a confrontation. It was almost as if he was trying to engineer an excuse to turn his back on the team.

Conscious that we still had a vital Test match to win, I asked a few of the senior players – Cook, Anderson and Prior – to plead for him to re-engage in proceedings. To his credit, he came out and showed far more energy in the field.

What’s more, he later played one of the most audacious innings I have ever seen from an English player. He pulverised the world’s best bowling attack en route to a brilliant 149. You can say what you want about Kevin Pietersen, but you can never doubt his immense ability.

Despite this hundred, I was extremely concerned about what he had said to me and by the fact that he pointedly did not wave his bat in the direction of the dressing room when he reached his hundred. Things were coming to a head. I was unsurprised to then hear Kevin had given a disturbing press conference following the thrilling drawn Test match. He had basically intimated that the next Test match was likely to be his last for England and that he was about to “make some decisions that are going to make me very happy”.

What greatly puzzled me, though, was his comment “It’s tough being me, playing for England”, seemingly implying he was being treated badly by his teammates in the dressing room.

For me, he had crossed the line. He seemed to be at best destabilising and at worst undermining our carefully cultivated team environment.

I know that it later emerged he was upset with the spoof Twitter account some players followed, called @KPgenius, and that he even suspected that one or more of the team were involved in running it.

Perhaps he was genuinely upset by the mickey-taking nature of the account, but he had never shown any antipathy towards it before. In fact, I remember him laughing about it at The Oval during the First Test. There was certainly no time while I was captain when I thought Kevin was being victimised in the dressing room.

When Andy Flower and I sat down in a pub near Oxford a couple of days later to discuss how best to approach the problem, Andy received a call from ECB managing director Hugh Morris to say Kevin had spoken to him and, after some serious reflection, wanted to recommit himself to the England team. Hugh had suggested a meeting with him and his agent that evening. The call certainly put the cat among the pigeons, as we were already starting to prepare for life without Pietersen.

On the surface, KP pledging himself to English cricket was the best-case scenario, but some serious bridge-building would be required. When we met, Kevin seemed contrite about what had happened and, having had time to consider the repercussions of turning his back on English cricket, he re-affirmed his willingness to come back into the fold. Without the sudden appearance of those text messages – which had come to light a little too conveniently from a South African point of view for my liking – the matter would have been well on the way to being resolved. We could all have forgiven and forgotten.

AFTER BEING DROPPED FOR THE TEST, KP ADMITTED SENDING ‘PROVOCATIVE’ TEXT MESSAGES AND AFTER THE MATCH CAME TO MY HOUSE AND SINCERELY APOLOGISED. I ACCEPTED HIS APOLOGY AND HOLD NO GRUDGES AGAINST HIM.

AWAY DRESSING ROOM

Thailand

ADRIAN BRIDGE ENJOYS A COSY (AND RATHER WET) ENCOUNTER WITH YUKI, HIS NEW FOUR-TON ELEPHANT FRIEND, IN BEAUTIFUL NORTHERN THAILAND

I

ntimate though I felt I had become with Yuki over the course of a two-hour getting-to-know-you meander along some of Thailand's most idyllic tropical pathways, I was not sure we were ready to share a bath. What with her massive frame (Yuki, you really need to lose a pound or two), brittle, spiky hair and unbelievably thick skin, we hardly seemed compatible. Then there was the tricky question of whether to confine it to a quick, partial dip or go the whole hog: total immersion, followed by a shower.

Yuki had no such qualms. As soon as she saw the flowing brown water of the River Ruak she proceeded to wade in. I had little choice: I tightened my thigh muscles around her upper head, and gripped her vast ears. I was about to enter untested territory – bath time with an elephant – and with Yuki weighing in at just under four tons, I just hoped she didn't want to create too much of a splash.

AWAY DRESSING ROOM

Adrian Bridge is a London-based travel writer for the Telegraph.

For more information on his work go to telegraph.co.uk or you can follow him on Twitter via @never2far

Initial reservations aside, bathing in a river with an elephant – and indeed several of her chums – turned out to be a genuinely thrilling experience. With those great lumbering legs, Yuki was soon up to her neck in the water and enjoying cooling off. She was playful too, dipping her trunk into the river and flicking it back to spray all those behind her. Within minutes, I and the 10 others who had entered the water perched precariously on our pachyderms were drenched – and laughing hysterically. Fears allayed that we might find ourselves trapped underneath an almighty weight, we relaxed and went with the flow.

"Wow, this is like a bath party!" declared one of the Americans. The communal splash came at the end of a day spent interacting with some of the 25 or so elephants kept in the 160-acre grounds surrounding the Anantara Golden Triangle Resort & Spa (goldentriangle.anantara.com), close to Chiang Rai in northern Thailand. It had involved learning some of the different ways you can mount an elephant – climbing up a leg, leaping on top of the lowered head or getting it to lie down and approaching from the side.

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There had been lessons on their diets (on average elephants consume 550lb of vegetables a day) and their medical needs.

We had also heard about the historical role of elephants in Thailand – used variously in warfare, for heavy lifting and for logging. And we had learnt some key commands: pai (forward), ben (turn) and, most crucially, how (stop). The tuition came courtesy of the elephants' mahouts (drivers/owners) and the resort's affable English-speaking staff, many of whom have built up considerable expertise over the 10 years experiences of this kind have been offered to guests.

Sitting bareback on an elephant is not easy. For a start you don’t sit on its back, but rather as far forward as you can, on its head. Staying there involves a constant clenching of the leg muscles and keeping a firm grip on those ears. You have to be alert too (elephants are easily distracted by the sight of sugar cane).

It is not exactly comfortable, but far more authentic than the alternative, which involves sitting in an attached chair. And it is a wonderful sensation. The world looks very different from the top of an elephant – and this part of the world, the "Golden

The world looks very different from the top of an elephant – and this part of the world, the "Golden Triangle" where the Mekong river touches Thailand, Laos and Burma, is a particularly enchanting one.

Tracy McVeigh is a chief reporter at the Observer . You can follow her on Twitter via @tracymcveigh

Triangle" where the Mekong river touches Thailand, Laos and Burma, is a particularly enchanting one.

The Anantara resort does offer a day trip to all three countries or a leisurely sail along the Mekong river, if you don’t fancy seeing the sights aboard an elephant, while just opposite the five-star resort is the Hall of Opium Museum, providing a fascinating insight into what used to be the deadly main trade in this area. However, I decided to stay loyal to Yuki and go exploring on her back.

Before venturing too far afield, I put her through her paces around a sort of slalom course at the resort's elephant camp. It

was most satisfying when she responded to my commands. "Pai," I said, and off she plodded. "Ben," I ventured, and turn she did. Should things have gone awry, Yuki's mahout was nearby, but for a moment I did feel I was at the controls.

There are many who question this sort of activity. Animal rights activists, for instance, argue laying on elephant rides for tourists is cruel: not as bad as using them in circuses, but nevertheless exploitative. John Roberts, the British "director of elephants" at the Anantara, is sensitive to the criticism but points out that all the elephants at the resort have been rescued from bad situations – some from the streets of Bangkok where they were used to entertain punters in a demeaning way; some from illegal logging operations (the practice was banned in Thailand in 1989); some from being sent to Chinese circuses.

Roberts points out too that rather than simply taking on the elephants, the Anantara resort also "adopts" their mahouts – people for whom earning a living from elephants has been a tradition for 4,000 years. "Mahouts need to make an income from their elephants and we give them a better option than NOVEMBER 2013

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some of the others," he says. "Compared with most of Thailand's captive elephants, ours are very well looked after. They are fed and cared for, and with all the land here they can lead something of a normal elephant life."

He acknowledges that the resort's mahouts still sometimes use their metal hooks for control ("let's not forget that elephants can be dangerous"), but says that in general, nonphysical methods of "positive reinforcement" are encouraged. Roberts comes across as a man who is genuinely concerned about the welfare of his charges. Alongside the camp at Anantara, he was instrumental in setting up the Golden Triangle Asian Elephant Foundation (helpingelephants.org), a charity that aims to help elephants in need throughout Thailand.

In his ideal world, there would be no elephants in captivity.

Roberts insists that giving tourists rides does not hurt the animals and is a small price to pay for the benefits they receive 48

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at Anantara, not least in the form of regular inspections by vets (those doing the three-day mahout course get to see this side of the operation up close; in the case of temperature readings, perhaps closer than they'd like).

Certainly, in her slow, leisurely sort of way, Yuki gave the impression of being contented – even if for part of her day she had to put up with the likes of me sitting on her head! I made sure she was rewarded with a plentiful supply of bananas – and constant words of encouragement. And she got her own back when it came to giving me a good dousing in the River Ruak.

"That," declared my American friend over delicious fried rice back in the comfort zone of the Anantara resort, "was a life-changing experience." I'm not sure I'd go that far, but it was pretty special. And bath time will never be quite the same again!

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TOP TUITION » SPORTS NUTRITION » GYM ROUTINES

TRAINING GROUND

52 ARSENE WENGER The Arsenal boss offers five reasons why five-a-side football can improve your game

54 MICHELLE THEOCHARIS The DuGym coach tells us the basics on the Floor, Bar, Beam and Vault

56 GRAHAM WOODS Bespoke Wellness’ orthotics specialist explains the role of the feet in golf

ARSENE WENGER

MY FIVE-A-SIDE TIPS SOME FOOTBALLERS HATE FIVE-A-SIDE, BUT I THINK IT’S A VITAL TRAINING TOOL,writes Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger

F

ive-a-side football requires speed, skill, vision, an eye for goal, the ability to pass and, above all, the intelligence to put all these aspects into practice. Five-a-side confronts footballers with constant decision-making. When you receive the ball, you are faced with dozens of options. Your brain acts like a computer: it realises it has been faced with this situation before and tries to come up with the right answer – the correct pass or shot. Ex-pros like Martin Keown, Tony Adams and Patrick Vieira despised five-a-side, but it undoubtedly improved their game and honed their reactions. It also forced them to play out of position, thus taking them out of their comfort zone. This helps massively, since the defenders got more shots and the attackers had to tackle and track back more. That can only aid team balance when the guys then go onto the eleven-a-side pitch.

1

SPEED

In five-a-side you must react quicker to things – you have to understand what is happening around you.

Those who are fit – marathon runners, for instance – aren’t necessarily built for five-a-side, which requires short bursts of acceleration. Mental quickness is also paramount. Your body must translate your brain’s decisions into actions.

2

BALL-SKILLS

From about 12 you can tell if a footballer is technically gifted or if they will be average for their whole life. Don’t worry though,, if you aren’t quite proficient enough ugh to make the professional cut, you ou can still improve. During five-a-side, you will get more touches, in a congested environment. This will thus enhance your control and passing, ng, and make the eleven-a-side pitch ch seem very big.

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3

AN EYE FOR GOAL

Hitting the back of the net is often about how much yo you want to score. How m much does it mean to you?

Take time to work on your T sshooting. Aim for the corners, aand your goal-scoring record w will improve. Also watch the ggoalkeeper. If he moves or goes ddown early be prepared to cchange your mind and shoot into tthe space, especially in fi five-a-side where the goal is a lot smaller.

4

PASSING

In five-a-side you don’t have much time.

You must be confident in making one-touch passes – something my Arsenal side is known for. In football it is important that, as a player, you can find an adapted response to the situation you face. If you have that, you are on the right track. Five-a-side develops the speed with which you find these responses and that makes you a better passer and, in turn, a better footballer.

ARSENE’S TIP

Possession is the key to success in football, right? Well, not necessarily‌ If \RX ZDWFK ¿YH D VLGH PRVW JRDOV FRPH IURP D TXLFN EXUVW XS¿HOG 2QH RU WZR passes and then a shot. It is the teams that have too much of the ball and are playing too many passes amongst themselves that have the least success.

Be quick, be ruthless and you’ ll be successful.

CHOOSE A 1-2-1 121 Most ďŹ ve-a-side players like to do a bit of everything with no ďŹ xed positions: total football, they often call it, though opponents prefer another two-word phrase: easy pickings. So how can you set your team out most effectively? After all, you don’t have the freedom to play 4-4-2, 4-3-3 or 3-5-2 when you’ve only got ďŹ ve players. Like the eleven-a-side game, you do have options when it comes to picking the correct formation. You can play two at the back, one in midďŹ eld and one up front, or you can have one attacker and three defenders. On the face of it, my recommended formation is 1-2-1. One defender, one attacker, with two what I would call offensive full-backs.

These two players should fall back and defend when you don’t have the ball but be ready to get forward and attack when necessary.

5

Vision

This is ignored too much. The top players all know what they are going to do before they get the ball, and even dream about how they would react in certain scenarios in their sleep. Get a feel for having the ball at your feet while keeping your head up and your team will reap the beneďŹ ts.

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MICHELLE THEOCHARIS

GYMNASTICS 101 THE BASICS OF GYMNASTICS ARE EASY TO MASTER AND HAVE A RANGE OF HEALTH BENEFITS, writes DuGym coach Michelle Theocharis

T

he beauty of gymnastics is you can take it up as young as 18 months and, contrary to popular belief, keep doing it into adulthood.

It is fun, creative and a fabulous workout. It aids the cardiovascular system, circulation, joint mobility and muscular development. It also enhances gross motor coordination, which is why Chinese schools make it a compulsory pre-school activity. Occupational therapists also understand the benefits of gymnastics and thus often send kids to us as part of their treatment plan. There’s also far more variety to the sport than people realise. To prove this, four of our star DuGym pupils have volunteered to show you the basics on the Floor, Beam, Vault and Bar. Beginners must always seek professional instruction, and start on the Floor first, since the skills you learn there (running, jumping, landing) can then be transferred onto a more complex apparatus.

FLOOR Robyn Lourens (Age 13) The Floor is essentially a large, springy mat (12x12sqm). Here, you can perfect the fundamental skills of gymnastics without the risk of injury. A basic cartwheel is a simple move to start with, and will also reveal which leg is your most dominant – it is not necessarily the same side as your writing hand. To carry out the cartwheel, rookies must first be able to kick up into a handstand. Robyn starts with her arms up, and strongest leg forward. She spreads her feet just over a hip’s width apart and extends the arms straight above her head with her palms facing forward. She then plants her lead hand on the ground in front and begins to turn her body upside down. The real key is to kick powerfully so your legs come off the ground. You will be balancing your weight on your arms, using your shoulders and core for support, just like a handstand. Once you can cartwheel, you can then try more complex Floor skills, like somersaults, which are first taught on the trampoline.

BAR Megan Theocharis (Age 10) Asymmetric bars (bars of different heights) are fabulous for developing upper body strength. The lower bar is the easiest place to start, but don’t be fooled: it still requires a lot of strength. Megan is demonstrating a cast handstand. The trick is for her to see her knees before she tries to cast. This will allow her to get her shoulders over the bar before she attempts to kick her legs for the cast. She must compress well and lean forward enough to place her shoulders in a planche position (when the body is held parallel to the ground, giving the illusion of floating). Another essential move is the long kip, which promotes vital swinging skills.

Here Megan swings, brings her feet to the high bar, then pushes them away, while at the same time bringing her hips to the bar and getting her shoulders up to the top.

Exercise Bike

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BEAM Phillipa Ward (Age 12) The Beam is only 10 centimetres wide, so beginners must initially learn how to walk, run and jump with one foot in front of the other (rather than side-by-side). Once proficient and comfortable on it, acrobatic movements – like cartwheels, handstands, somersaults or walkovers – can be attempted. The split and wolf jumps are perhaps the most dramatic moves a novice can try. As the former’s name suggests, Phillipa assumes a split position after jumping from the beam.

At the highest level, this is carried out at a 180-degree angle. For the wolf jump, Phillipa places one leg in a pike position (straight in front of her) and the other in a tuck position. This is quite an ambitious jump that earns plenty of points in artistic gymnastics.

Wolf jump

Split jump

VAULT Kayla Cokayne (Age 13) We always start by teaching the gymnast to run on their toes. Next comes the jumping aspect, and only then do we focus on the vault itself. Kayla is showcasing the handstand vault. There are four main phases to this: the flight on (from board to vault), repulsion (hitting and then leaving the vault), flight off (from table to vault) and landing. During the flight on, Kayla’s body must remain straight. She should hit the vault with her hands just before her body reaches vertical. The repulsion phase should be fast.

Kayla will shrug her shoulders, and provided they hit the handstand before she is vertical she will ‘fly’ off the vault with a dished (hollow) body. The flight off should be high and in a forward direction, while the landing (as with any gymnastic move) must be stuck with no movement at all.

Michelle Theocharis is a qualified gymnastics coach. To contact her about lessons, email michelle@dugym.com, or for more information about DuGym visit dugym.com.

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GRAHAM POYNOR-WOODS

START YOUR SWING ON TH E RI GH T FO OT A SMOOTH GOLF SWING REQUIRES BALANCE AND THE CORRECT TRANSFER OF WEIGHT, AND THAT ALL STARTS WITH YOUR FEET, writes orthotics and biomechanics specialist Graham Poynor-Woods ou can be as powerful as you like, but you won’t hit the golf ball straight unless your feet are functioning properly. Balance is thus one of the most important aspects of golf. Former world No.1 Rory McIlroy had a weak left foot, and once fixed he hit the ball cleaner and further. Whatever level you play at, it is worth checking whether you have a biomechanical problem that is hampering your swing.This may lead to excessive pronation (rolling inwards) or supination (rolling

Y Tibia

THE HUMAN FOOT Navicular Metatarsal

Fibula Cuneiform Bone

Phalange

Calcaneus Cuboid

Talus

THE ASSESSMENT 1. BIOMECHANICAL ANALYSIS These tests include assessing pelvic function, which is so critical for a solid golf swing. We also carry out leg length evaluation. If the body is misaligned, any forces passing through the body won’t be evenly transmitted and injury may result, especially in or around the Achilles and hamstring areas.

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outwards), and the issue can even filter further up the body to the knees, hips or lower back. Here’s where customised foot orthotics can help.They are spongy devices designed to fit into shoes to help achieve optimum balance and control. Studies also show that foot orthotics, due to a more stable foundation, can increase clubhead velocity by up to 5mph, thus adding distance off the tee to help him get over his fear of aggravating the injury playing the game he loves.

2. DYNAMIC EVALUATION

ry Sy mmet

Next, we assess the golfer standing, walking and running. Just looking at static positions isn’t sufficient, since so much changes when the human body is in motion. Often the golfer will be placed on a treadmill. It is here that pronation of the foot or weakness at the pelvis can be best exposed.

3. FEET AND KNEES Special (and in-depth) attention is also given to the position of the feet and knees. If either are not properly aligned then, sooner or later, another key joint will usually fall out of place too. The result is acute or nagging pain. Orthotics may then be prescribed and provided to redirect forces in the lower limbs and thus alleviate or avoid discomfort.

t Fneewt arpdosin i

THE SOLUTION BRACE YOURSELF A serious knee problem, like an ACL ligament injury, might need a knee brace. Golf requires a lot of rotational movements, and this simple support structure will help stabilise the joints. A more minor (and common) problem is osteoarthritis – where alignment is compromised due to general wear and tear. Here, knee braces and orthotics can be simple yet powerful solutions, and ones that are more likely to be needed as we age.

‘SHOES’ WISELY Footwear is paramount in golf – not just the orthotics inside but the shoe itself – so choose wisely from your local pro-shop. At one time golf shoes were viewed exclusively as a fashion accessory, but not so now. The basic principles from athletics footwear have been transferred into golf.

The best pairs include graphite shank reinforcements which keep them sturdy yet light. Always buy (or hire) a golf-specific pair, rather than opting for running shoes or trainers, which aren’t specifically designed for the fairways.

Graham Poynor-Woods is an orthotics and biomechanics specialist at Bespoke Wellness. You can contact him about private sessions via info@bespoke-wellness.com or visit bespoke-wellness.com.

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AWARDS » DREAM PRIZES » RIB-TICKLING HUMOUR

SECOND HALF

60 HARRY REDKNAPP In an extract from his new autobiography, the QPR manager shares his five wackiest signings

64 BEAT THE TRAFFIC Comedian Patrick Monahan sets the first ever lap of the proposed London F1 track... in a black cab!

72 SUSIE WOLFF This month’s Woman of the Match is Williams development driver Susie Wolff

JOEL J JO HARRY OE OEL EL S SJOHOLM JOHO JO REDKNAPP HO OLM M

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IN 30 YEARS OF MANAGEMENT, FIVE SIGNINGS STAND OUT ABOVE THE REST, WRITES

HARRY REDKNAPP

1. AMDY FAAYE Auxerre to Portsmouth, mouth, 2003 Amdy was with Auxerre in France when I saw them against Arsenal the season before. I made Faye their best player by a long way, so was delighted when agent Willie McKay called and said he was available. We had him training with th Portsmouth up in Scotland for a week and he was different class. I tried to hide him away because others were interested. Then I heard rd he was heading back to France. My wife Sandra and I were at a barbecue at my son Jamie’s ie’s house, but we dashed to Heathrow Airport, dumped the car on a double yellow line outside and nd ran into Terminal One. I was frantic. Finding ng him was a million-to-one shot. “What does hee look like?” asked Sandra. “He’s a very tall black ck boy,” I said.

“Is that him?” she asked, pointing to a middle-aged Rastafarian with a woolly hat on his head. She doesn’t know much about football. Then I found him. “Amdy, where are you going?” ?” I asked him. “I go home,” he said. “No, Amdy, mdy, you can’t go home,” I insisted. “You have ave to sign for Portsmouth first. Come with me. You come with me.” I took him to my house and he heard the dogs barking. “Dogs! I no like dogs,” he said and he froze. “They’re ’re not dogs, Amdy,” I assured him. “They’re y’re bulldogs. They’re more vicious than an dogs.

Half-dog, half-bull. If you try to escape, scape, they bite your balls off.” We made sure he knew that the dogs were left downstairs at night.

The next day he signed for £1.5 million!

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HARRY REDKNAPP

2. STEVE CLARIDGE Bournemouth, 1984 Steve Claridge went on to have a super career, playing more than 1,000 games for clubs across the whole spectrum of league football – but back then he had a few strange habits.

We took him on trial but I could see within an hour that I wanted him. It was all nerves with Steve. When he felt under pressure he would shave his head. I’d come into a team meeting and it would be like that Tommy Cooper routine where he plays two characters by turning sideways. On one side Steve’s hair would be normal, on the other it would be half-bald. I hit on the idea of making Billy Rafferty his room-mate on away trips, to try to calm him down. I’m still good friends with Billy; he’s a lovely, sensible lad and was a very decent centre-forward. One night in a room with Claridge, though, and he came down as white as a sheet. ‘“Boss, it was like f*cking Psycho,” he said. “He kept going into the bathroom and every time he came out, he’d shaved more off his head. I haven’t slept a wink all night.”

3. PAULO FUTRE AC Milan to West Ham, 1996 Paulo Futre came to us in the summer of 1996 and his ability was simply remarkable. Training would stop just to watch him take free-kicks – I’d put him in the top 10 players I have seen. Our first game was at Arsenal and the team-sheets had already gone in, but there was a problem. Eddie Gillam, our trainer, had given him the No. 16 shirt and got it thrown back in his face. Next thing, Paulo was in my face, too. “Futre 10, not 16,” he said.

“Eusebio 10, Maradona 10, Pele 10; Futre 10, not f*cking 16.”

By this point, there were 45 minutes to kick-off. “It’s changed now, Paulo,” I explained, as gently as I could. “We’ve got squad numbers and your number is 16. We didn’t choose that number.

When you came, all the numbers were gone, so the kit man gave you No. 16.” “No 10,” he insisted. “Futre 10. No. 10. Milan, Atletico Madrid, Porto, Benfica, Sporting – Futre 10.” Now it was getting desperate. I tried to be firm. “Paulo, put your shirt on, get changed, please, we have a big game. If you don’t want to wear it, Paulo, off you go,” I said. And he did! The following Monday, Paulo came back in with his team of lawyers to negotiate for the No. 10 shirt. At first we tried to tell him that we had sold so many replicas with ‘Futre 16’ on the back that it would be impossible to change, but he called our bluff. “How many?” he asked. “I will pay £100k.” And that was when I knew this was an argument we could not win. Futre was willing to spend £100k just to be No. 10. In the end, he got it a lot cheaper. John Moncur, the No. 10, agreed to swap, and Paulo let him have two weeks in his villa in the Algarve, which is about the best one there, on the cliffs overlooking the golf course.

JANUARY 2013

4. PAOLO DI CANIO Sheffield Wednesday to West Ham, 1999 If West Ham had kept all of my players together, including the younger ones such as Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Michael Carrick and Jermain Defoe, I believe we would have ended up in the Champions League. Paolo Di Canio set standards and was a great buy. Getting him to rub along with the extremes of football culture in England was one of the biggest challenges of my career. A lot of people thought I was mad. He had such a focused outlook that even the slightest disturbance on the training field would send him into a rage. He would come storming off. “Hey, f*cking gaffer, hey boss! We are warming up, we are supposed to be stretching. Razor Ruddock, he is talking about drinking last night, he is talking about sh*tting – how can this be right?

This is not right.” He was high-maintenance but I told the young lads to watch and learn. Paolo was as fit as a fiddle, a fanatic about conditioning, a brilliant, committed footballer.

And a handful.

5. CARL RICHARDS Enfield to Bournemouth, 1986

Always Managing: My Autobiography is published by Ebury and available for AED 100. To order a copy call +44 8444 724 157

One of my favourite signings, and not just from my Bournemouth days, was a striker called Carl Richards. I took him from Enfield and he was a real one-off. He was a big lad, and looked more like Carl Lewis. I bought Carl for £10k, went to pick him up from Enfield and while he went in to say goodbye to his manager, he left me with his mate.

“What are you signing him for?” said this kid. “I’m 10 times better than him. I’ve got 26 goals this season, he’s only got 12. I’m different class than him. Why don’t you sign me?” I was worried. “I can’t buy you, I’m buying him,” I told Carl’s mate, “but I’ll keep an eye out for you, don’t worry.” So we took Carl and he was absolutely useless. He could run, but that was about it. We played about six games, couldn’t win one. Carl was terrible. After about four games of this, he came to see me. “I’ve got a mate,” he said. “He was asking if he could have a trial. He’s a striker, like me.” “And is he as good as you, Carl?” I asked suspiciously. “No, he’s not as good as me,” he said, “but he’s decent.” “Well, tell him h not to f*cking bother then,” I snapped, and that was the end e of it.

The following Saturday, we went to play Crystal Palace.

Pa “My mate, the one who wanted a trial, he’s playing for Palace P lace today,” said Carl. “Oh good,” I thought. “No Pa “N problem there then.” Anyway, three goals later I realised Carl Car wasn’t much of a scout, either. His mate’s name? Ian Wright, Wrigh who went on to score 238 league goals. Yet Carl ended up u doing fantastic for Bournemouth and I loved him to bits.

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PATRICK MONAHAN

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Who? PATRICK MONAHAN What? FORMULA ONE Where? LONDON, ENGLAND SPORTS TALK’S MARK LOMAS, COMEDIAN PATRICK MONAHAN AND TOP LONDON CABBIE ROBERT LORDAN CHECK OUT THE FEASIBILITY OF THE PROPOSED LONDON FORMULA ONE STREET TRACK, CLOCKING THE FIRST EVER RECORDED TIME IN THE STYLISH SURROUNDS OF ONE OF THE CAPITAL’S FAMOUS HACKNEY CARRIAGES Bernie Ecclestone is often denounced for his off-the-wall ideas, but the Formula One supremo’s barmy brain has earned him billions – and while artificial rain and gold medals were suggestions always destined for the scrapheap, the 83-yearold’s (mildly outrageous) desire to bring a Grand Prix to London deserves more than a cursory shrugging-off. As British

as fish and chips and obedient queuing, Silverstone has become a cornerstone of the country’s sporting calendar. Yet could there be room, among the swarms of tourists, traffic lights and Boris Bikes, for a glamorous Grand Prix in London to complement, or even replace, the classic circuit? We decided to find out – and set a (slightly pointless) record in the process!

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PATRICK MONAHAN

LONDON’S BURNING… RUBBER!

3m 12.6s

TURN 1 & 2: THE MALL TO ST JAMES’S Fare: £6.20 The proposed London Formula One circuit was catapulted into public consciousness in June following a star-studded launch which saw McLaren’s British driving duo of Jenson Button and Lewis Hamilton guide puzzled onlookers through the route, with the latter conforming to sporting stereotype with his hyperbolic claim that a London Grand Prix would be “the best thing in the world!” Starting at The Mall, with Buckingham Palace in sight, a lap time of 1 minute 34 seconds was touted as an appropriate marker. However, with a real-life trip around the track never having taken place, the first official time was up for grabs, thus allowing a competitive journalist and tousled-haired funnyman (the victor on ITV talent show Show Me The Funny no less) to enter the history books.

Mark: How deep does your passion for Formula One run?

Patrick: I really enjoy the drama of races – well, the beginning bit at least. The buzz on the pre-race grid, which is packed with drivers, technical crews, tasty WAGs and occasionally the odd has-been eighties celebrity, is awesome. I just think F1 gets a little repetitive after that initial thrill, but racing around London would make things significantly more entertaining.

There are traffic lights every 20 yards and I would love to see the drivers forced to adhere to them – constantly stopping and starting and maybe even picking up three points on their licence for sneaking through a red light! It would basically be like the start of a Grand Prix repeated hundreds of times over!

WACKY RACES

TOURIST TRAP TURN 3 & 4: THE RITZ TO WELLINGTON MEMORIAL, VIA PICCADILLY STRAIGHT Fare: £14.60 Your pair of ambitious automobilists admit defeat early in the pursuit of the elusive 1 minute 34 second lap time. Having started the stopwatch with lofty expectations at The Mall, the five-minute mark soon whizzes by with still a few feet, and a zebra crossing,

7m 44.7s

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separating our cab from the circuit’s third corner. A slow crawl through to Piccadilly provides us with our first gander at a London landmark; and, in fact, with traffic at a near standstill there’s a very real temptation to take high tea at the iconic Ritz hotel. We would almost certainly emerge to find our black chariot still locked in the stationary jam. The positioning of the Ritz is undoubtedly a tilt of the hat to the Monte Carlo Casino’s proximity to the Monaco Grand Prix track, though the haggard water-taxis and barges moored on the Thames pale somewhat in comparison to the glamorous yachts of the French Riviera!

Mark: How would Londoners react to a Grand Prix in the capital?

Patrick: Fortunately, London is such a tourist paradise that there’s barely anyone from London actually living here! If I told someone at Piccadilly Circus that an F1 track was coming, “Parlez-vous Francais?” would be the most likely response. That’s the beauty of London, you can put anything here.

They even managed to install a beach volleyball court at Horse Guards Parade for the Olympics! The only people who might have a problem with the F1 would be those who spend most of their time outside petrol stations primed with anti-oil banners. In reality, though, a few fast cars racing around for a couple of hours probably isn’t as bad as a day’s worth of exhaust fumes from London’s buses. Come to think of it, maybe public transport should be incorporated into the race – you could have a bendy bus full of mechanics and make pit-stops take place in bus stops. You’d have to watch out for those pesky tourists, though, or there would be scores of (mostly Chinese) people strolling around Trafalgar Square with McLaren or Red Bull parts tucked under their arms as ‘souvenirs’!

10m 51.4s

SANTANDER STRAIGHT Fare: £17.20 As we enter a straight that promises so much on paper, our snail-like progress feels pretty demoralising, especially as streams of pedestrians effortlessly overtake us.

The lack of pace on the straight does at least make a cracking advert for the bank whose name it carries, Santander. However, it is a rival financial institution that offers the swiftest path down the road towards Buckingham Palace. The Barclays-sponsored London cycle hire scheme – fondly dubbed Boris Bikes in honour of London major Boris Johnson, who introduced them – boasts a fleet of two-wheeled beauties that thrive on the capital’s chocka roads and, embarrassingly, leave us eating their dust.

Mark: Which vehicles would you like to see raced around London if the Formula One track fails to materialise?

Patrick: Formula One is very fast and exciting, but it can be mind-numbingly predictable at times. An alternative race with black cabs, joy riders, Boris Bikes, double-decker buses, white vans and rickshaws would spice things up – it would be like our very own Wacky Races, except without talking dogs on amphetamines! I would like to see a proper race for normal London drivers. In the absence of dogs on drugs, the black cabs would probably win since they (quite literally) have The Knowledge [the training bible all London cabbies use] – they know the city like no-one else.

Compare that with rickshaw drivers, whose only test is to turn up with no driving credentials whatsoever!

“No licence? You’re hired, son!” The white vans may struggle too – you always think following them will lead to a shortcut but instead you end up at some old lady’s house helping fit her new bathroom.

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ONE IS NOT AMUSED

12m 9.1s

TURN 6 & 7: BUCKINGHAM PALACE Fare: £21.20 One of Britain’s most beloved buildings, Buckingham Palace, understandably plays a prominent role in the proposed circuit, with the Queen’s residence visible at both the start and finish.

However, unlike the London Marathon, which ensures the near-40,000 competing proletariat are kept at arm’s length from the monarchy, the London Grand Prix would see cars roar past the royal gardens and weave around the Victoria Memorial at lightning speeds. The aim is to transform the road outside the royal residence into a thrilling chicane – though for us it remained a cumbersome roundabout! Formula One cars would tackle this section at around 750 brake horsepower, making them stallions to our black cab’s My Little Pony!

Mark: Lewis Hamilton once claimed the Queen told him she is a Formula One fan. Can you really imagine Elizabeth II as a petrolhead?

Patrick: It’s not that I don’t believe Lewis, but I think the Queen was almost certainly humouring him. He’s turned up to see her and, like any good Nanna, she’s asked him what he’s been up to. He’s replied, “Driving F1 cars, Your Majesty,” and she’s pinched his little cheeks and told him how much she enjoys F1 too, before promptly reminding him, for the umpteenth time, that he’s grown considerably since the last time she saw him. He should have realised she was lying about being an F1 nut when she said that, because tiny Lewis hasn’t grown an inch since he was 12! Remember, this is a lady who spends most of her time walking Corgis and travelling in jewel-encrusted carriages. I really can’t imagine her cruising past the Changing of the Guard in a Sauber anytime soon. She would certainly have a great view of the start line from Buckingham Palace, but when she goes back inside to watch Countryfile the sound of all those engines would be terribly inconvenient. I can picture Her Majesty watching the cars fly by – though in my vision her royal wave is more like a two-finger salute as she tells Sebastian Vettel to keep the bloody noise down before commanding Prince Philip to get his gun!

DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION

16m 19.6s

TURN 8 & 9: BARRACKS TO PARLIAMENT SQUARE, VIA BIRDCAGE STRAIGHT Fare: £26.40 Designed to be the fastest stretch of the track, the Birdcage would be more aptly named the Aviary, since drivers can really spread their wings here and take flight at speeds of up to 180mph. A small caveat for us, however, is the presence of the first (and, it turns out, only) speed bump of the day outside the Wellington Barracks, which proves prohibitive to our hopes of cranking up the speedometer. Seventh gear would be the pros’ choice for this straight; second and third are those interchanged by our driver, Robert, as we clunk hopelessly towards Parliament Square. Think wounded penguin rather than peregrine falcon!

FORMULA ONE IS VERY FAST AND EXCITING, BUT IT CAN BE MINDNUMBINGLY PREDICTABLE AT TIMES. AN ALTERNATIVE RACE WITH BLACK CABS, JOY RIDERS, BORIS BIKES, DOUBLEDECKER BUSES, WHITE VANS AND RICKSHAWS WOULD SPICE THINGS UP – IT WOULD BE LIKE OUR VERY OWN WACKY RACES, EXCEPT WITHOUT TALKING DOGS ON AMPHETAMINES! Mark: How would a London Grand Prix compare to the most famous Formula One street race in Monaco?

Patrick: Monaco was extremely lucky because there’s no way in hell that race track would ever have started up if proposed in 2012. I have been round there and its tight bends, bridges and narrow tracks are undeniably amazing, but perilous too – you have only a matter of centimetres for error. Health and safety officials would have been all over the organisers if proposed today, and that’s the problem London faces if Bernie’s dream is to be realised. There is a real danger people lining the route would only be able to wave flags if they’re standing behind a vigorously policed yellow line with a monotone voice in the background repeating “MIND THE FLAG” over and over and over again! I worry about the pace of the race, too, because of all the landmarks. The drivers are going to be spending most of the time with their necks craned out of the car sightseeing. I can picture Romain Grosjean gawping at Big Ben and Bruno Senna staring at Nelson’s Column – it will be very distracting.

Perhaps that’s why Bernie’s suggested it – Hamilton and Button have seen it all before so they can focus fully on the race. Aha! The pieces are starting to fall into place. While Michael Schumacher and Marc Webber enjoy a quick spin on the London Eye, Lewis or Jenson will cruise to victory. It turns out Ecclestone is not a delusional, money-hungry pensioner after all – he’s a ruddy genius!

(WEST)FIELD OF DREAMS

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23m 34.9s

TURN 10, 11 & 12: PARLIAMENT SQUARE TO BIG BEN Fare: £32.40 Ecclestone recently stated that the penny-pinching British government would be to blame if a Formula One race doesn’t come to London, though disappointingly we don’t spot him protesting as we navigate our way around Parliament Square.

The grassy patch in front of the imposing Houses of Parliament is a hecklers’

You can follow Patrick on Twitter via @PatrickJMonahan

haven, and with Bernie also adding he doesn’t think “anybody else is serious about a Grand Prix in London” we conceive embryonic plans to organise a diesel-led demonstration. Soon after, we get a glimpse of the Thames for the first time on the track and, while not quite the sparkling sapphire waters of the Singapore Strait or Persian Gulf, the framing of London’s main waterway by Big Ben and the London Eye still creates a suitably breathtaking backdrop.

Mark: What London landmark would you like to see included that is not already on the route?

Patrick: It might sound a bit mental but amid all the places of beauty and architectural brilliance in London, what I really love are these shiny new shopping malls! There’s been talk of an alternative Grand Prix track in East London around the Olympic Park, and that appeals to me – but only if it goes right through Westfield Shopping Centre in Shepherd’s Bush. Most racing circuits are pretty straightforward, a chicane here, a straight there, but if the track passed Westfield that would create all kinds of fun challenges. Personally, I would keep punters shopping too, since it adds an extra threat! For a start, the drivers would have to negotiate the electronic doors at the right times. Fernando Alonso might also have to dodge Sue as she walks out of Thorntons or Jane as she pushes her pram past Boots. It would really take meticulous planning and precision timing from the drivers and their teams – plus, if leading by a distance, they could stop off at Tesco and do their weekly shop, so it would be practical too!

BERNIE’S WATCH

24m 47.2s

TURN 13 & 14: SANTANDER TO TRAFALGAR SQUARE Fare: £29.00 The second of Santander’s self-named straights runs parallel to the Thames, and as we sidle down Embankment we are prompted to reach for the party-poppers after recording our top speed of the day – a rather intimidating 28mph! This joy is short-lived, however, as we soon encounter our 29th set of traffic lights, bringing us once again to a standstill, before a considered sweep up to Trafalgar Square ensues. The finishing straight begins just past Nelson’s Column (presumably a good place for supporters of namesake Piquet Jnr to congregate), through the Admiralty Arch, which will have its central gateway, usually reserved for special occasions, open. On this historic day, though, they obviously didn’t anticipate our arrival, thus forcing us to use a side gate – the Ralf Schumacher to the Admiralty’s Michael!

Mark: Ecclestone has claimed that a London Grand Prix would be bigger than the Olympics, do you agree?

Patrick: [After a few minutes of uncontrollable chortling] Bernie is this little billionaire who is very powerful, but he lives in a bubble. I genuinely believe his whole life is one giant fantasy. There’s not a chance a Grand Prix could be bigger than the Olympics, mainly because the level of positive spin we saw this summer is impossible to match. I am convinced there were secret police disposing of critics who said anything negative about London 2012, while more babies babbled, “Olympics, great” (or perhaps “Farah”) as their first words than “Mumma” or “Dadda”. There is no denying Ecclestone is an influential man, but I don’t think he can guarantee that level of positive PR or the sly culling of dissenters! It may not be as big as the Olympics, but you would still get the existing F1 fans turning up in droves for a Grand Prix in London – that said, they would probably turn up if it was just a couple of go-karts zooming around the streets of Slough.

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LONDON F1 TRACK AF FME:=JK

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Monahan and Lordan managed to clock the first ever lap time for the proposed London Grand Prix circuit without hitting any pensioners, politicans, ponies... or speeds above 30mph!

THE CHEQUE CHEQUERED FLAG FINISH LINE LINE: THE MALL Fare: £34.4 £34.40 With Fleetwood Mac’s ‘The Chain’ (the anthem that defined the BBC’s Form Formula One coverage for three decades) being hummed vocife vociferously by all involved, Robert puts his pedal ever so slightly closer to the metal. As we canter over the finish line, the eeuphoria hits us. We have not only done the first ever lap of the proposed London track, but the half-hour barrie barrier has been positively smashed – by more than 30 second seconds! Our official lap time stands at 29 minutes, 24.6 seconds. S Stirling Moss, Graham Hill, Jim Clark, Jackie Stew Stewart, Nigel Mansell… make room in that Bri British F1 pantheon for the names Monahan, L Lomas and Lordan (if there isn’t enough space I am sure we can all agree to remove Damon Hill). Motor-racing folklore, here we come! Considering Silverstone’s British Grand Prix contract doesn’t expire until 2026, our record is likely to be one of the lo longest standing in Formula One! Mark: Congratulations on setting the first Ma official lap time on London’s proposed o Formula One circuit. If you’d just won the Grand Prix, who would you want to present the trophy to you?

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Patrick: Despite the fact I could have walked it quicker, I am actually feeling pretty proud. The only other record I have is for eating the most pickled eggs in a minute, which isn’t nearly as glamorous. At the end of that I threw up, whereas this record doesn’t make me want to vomit at all. We deserve a trophy and it should really be awarded by someone from London.

The Queen is a bit of an obvious choice to present it, while Boris Johnson is too closely associated with bikes these days. The person would have to have some sort of link with driving, so I would want our cabbie, Robert Lordan, to hand it to us. It is far too easy for those Formula One lads, they get all that money to drive around an empty track with no real hazards. I say slap them in the middle of London on a busy Thursday lunchtime, warts and all, and then we can really sort the Lordans from the Buttons!

29m 24.6s NEW WORLD RECORD

SUSIE WOLFF

SUSIE WOLFF

S

usie Wolff, a Williams development driver, desperately wants to become the first British woman to complete the Formula One world championship. But first she needs to stop her fellow (mostly) male peers from asking whether she knows how to reverse into her pit garage.

Wolff, billed as the fastest woman in the world, is the most likely British woman to feature in Formula One in the near future, but the challenges that she faces are immense.

It has been almost 40 years since a female last qualified for a Formula One world championship race. That honour goes to Italian Lella Lombardi, who started 12 races between 1974 and 1976 for March, RAM and Williams. No British woman has ever started a grand prix, although Divina Galica did enter (but not qualify for) three races in the seventies.

Encouragingly, Wolff was hired by Williams as a development driver in April last year, which is generally regarded as the last step before racing in Formula One. And in July, she was given her first real challenge in an F1 car in the Young Drivers Test at Silverstone. This was a big moment for both her and female would-be Formula One racers everywhere.

Despite a convincing performance, she was slower than fellow Williams novice Daniel Juncadella and her countless critics think this is proof that she won’t ever make the grade. They rather bitchily say that Wolff was only invited to take part in the test because of her sex, and the fact that her husband, Toto Wolff, is head of motorsport for Mercedes and owner of a 16 percent stake in Williams. The same naysayers also argue women aren’t capable of competing alongside their male counterparts in Formula One. “There were a lot of people who were just waiting for me to not do well to then write something negative about women not being ready for Formula One,” Wolff says.

“Ultimately, a team will only ever put a driver in the car if they think they can deliver.

They are not going to put someone completely useless inside – certainly not to prove a point about gender equality.”

“Nicholas Prost [son of Formula One driver Alain Prost] was in one of the cars; his father is a world-famous champion. Nobody mentioned that, but anybody was the first to jump up and say that I’m only in the car because my husband owns part of the team.”

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The bubbly 30-year-old Scot had had very little prior experience in a Formula One car. She herself was unsure of whether she could rise to the challenge of driving in quicker and more advanced racing than anything she had experienced in karting or Formula Three.

Wolff just wants to focus on driving, since F1 requires immense concentration. She is “exhausted” by the constant misogynistic flack, as well as the pressure that comes with having unwittingly become the poster girl for women in motorsport.

“I have been very clear to everyone the whole way along my career that I’m not out there to prove a point about women and racing,” says Wolff, who made 73 starts in the DTM (the German touring car series) between 2006 and 2012 but failed to win. “I don’t go out there to show the world that women can compete in Formula One. I go out there as Susie Wolff – a racing driver who wants to fulfil her dream of driving in Formula One.” Wolff began karting aged eight, helped by a family who never let her think she was pursuing a ‘boy’s sport’. She steadily progressed to Formula Renault and Formula Three before moving to the DTM. Formula One is a natural next step for her – even if it’s groundbreaking for the racing world. She is now hopeful that in the future other women will be able to take her lead into the sport.

“People tell me that their daughters didn’t realise that girls could even race until they had heard of me,” says Wolff. “I think the younger generation’s idea of the sport is changing.”

Women in Formula One are few and far between, although Wolff did bond with Spanish test driver Maria de Villota – who tragically lost her right eye in a Formula One training accident last July, and died suddenly last month due to complications from the injury, a year after the crash.

“In spite of still feeling numb and shocked, I am comforted that Maria has left her story behind,” says Wolff, who plans to always sport a luminous orange star on her helmet in tribute to de Villota, who had two similar ones on her own helmet. “We can all be inspired by her example. She wanted to show people that a woman could compete against men in Formula One — not because she was a woman but because she was a fast racing driver.

THIS MONTH’S WOMAN OF THE MATCH IS WILLIAMS DEVELOPMENT DRIVER SUSIE WOLFF, WHO LUCY KINDER CAUGHT UP WITH AT THE ABU DHABI GRAND PRIX

I AM A WOLFF BY NAME AND WILL CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE A WOLF BY NATURE , UNTIL I FINALLY GET MY CHANCE.

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SUSIE WOLFF

De Villota’s sad and sudden death rocked the F1 world, especially Wolff, who was very close to the Spaniard

“Sadly, Maria’s dream ended when she was in a tragic accident during a test for the Marussia team. It was a freak accident, but she sustained terrible injuries and lost her right eye. Until that moment, Maria was on a path to push over barriers that have denied women opportunities from racing in Formula One. She knew she was quick and she had an enormous passion and spirit.

“The accident could have broken many people, and she went through so much to make the recovery she did with great courage. Once she was strong enough, Maria took a proactive role in FIA’s Women in Motor Sport Commission by encouraging women to come into the sport. She always told everyone that what had happened to her had nothing to do with her being a female racing driver.

“Maria knew that she needed her ambition and her talent to fight against the stereotype that a woman isn’t quite fast enough, or strong enough, to compete at Formula One level. Yet she believed she could and she was determined to prove that. She just never got the chance.

After her accident, Maria said to me, ‘You are out there for both of us now. We have to show what we can do.’”

With Villota sadly passing away, Wolff admits she is lucky to have such a supportive husband who she can lean on for moral support, especially when she encounters sexism, which sounds as if it is ingrained in the sport.

“There have been quite a few incidents where someone said something to me which was pretty tough and he would say you have to make sure that you go out there and answer them on the track,” explains Wolff. “The normal comments like ‘how do you reverse into your pit garage?’ or ‘do you have a place for your lipstick in the car?’ just don’t bother me anymore because I have come up against that for such a long time.”

Wolff doesn’t want to name the worst proponents of sexism while she is still in motorsport, but says she may write a tell-all book when she retires. However, Formula One chief executive Bernie Ecclestone hasn’t helped the cause of female drivers with his somewhat tasteless

SUSIE WOLFF Born 6 December 1982 in Oban, Scotland Lives in Ermatingen, Switzerland, with her husband Toto Started karting aged eight and was named British Woman Kart Driver of the Year in 1996 Switched to Formula Renault in 2001, and achieved three podium finishes in 2004 Moved to Formula Three in 2005 with the Alan Docking Racing team Raced 73 times between 2006 and 2012 in the DTM for Mücke Motorsport and Persson Motorsport Joined Williams as a development driver on 11 April 2012

witticisms. “If Susie’s as quick in a car as she looks good out of a car, she’ll be a huge asset,” he quipped when Wolff got taken on by Williams. Yet Wolff insists Ecclestone does genuinely want her to succeed.

“For all his sayings that ‘women like domestic appliances’ and ‘belong in the kitchen’, he has been very supportive behind the scenes,” she smiles. “Bernie is just a bit old school. He doesn’t mean to put women down with his comments – he doesn’t even realise what he says can sometimes be construed in an offensive or damaging way.”

Initially Wolff struggled with her femininity, especially walking into a paddock where she knew she would be judged on her looks, particularly where sponsors are concerned.

“It was trying to find that fine line between looking like I was there to drive and not all made up trying to impress people, but people always judge women by what they look like,” she says. “You have got to look presentable and the sponsors want you to look like a girl, not the stereotypical female racing driver which everyone presumes should be really big and masculine.”

Wolff also often gets asked if she would go down the lads magazine route, having once caved in to doing a shoot in her early twenties. “When I look at the pictures I say to myself, OK it wasn’t the girl I am and it’s not the message I would want to portray that you have to do that just to be successful.” However, there is a double standard, as she reveals: “Lewis Hamilton did a shoot where he had no top on. Was he then branded for doing a sexy shoot?

No he wasn’t.”

Wolff fantasises about one day being on that Formula One podium, but she is the first to admit this won’t be easy. Williams has said it has no immediate plans to run her in regular practice sessions this season. In the meantime she will have to keep plugging on and wait patiently for an opportunity.

“I want to push for more, I want to be out racing again, but it’s not going to be about just sticking my hand up and saying hey I am a girl now give me a chance,” she concedes. “I have to get everything into place and hope that my time will come again. I am prepared to wait my turn and not let the male-orientated paddock try and end my dream. I am a Wolff by name and will continue to act like a wolf by nature, until I finally get my chance.”

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S U T O L ORA V E

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P

etrol-heads craving an F1 experience usually opt for a Ferrari or McLaren. After all, the street-legal Mercedes and Renaults just aren’t ‘racy’ enough. Poor old Lotus constantly gets overlooked – and often branded the Skoda of F1. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Lotus has an illustrious motor-racing heritage. Their British founder, Colin Chapman – who was just as big an engineering genius as Enzo Ferrari – adopted the mantra “Simplify, then add lightness” long before minimalism became trendy.

Lotus have seven F1 constructors’ championships, six drivers’ titles and nine Le Mans wins to their name, not to mention notable triumphs in the Indy 500 and World Rally Championship.

These are certainly not achievements to be sniffed at. This is also the company that introduced the monocoque chassis, aerofoil wings and ‘ground effect’ aerodynamics which revolutionised F1 in the sixties.

The bad news used to be that you couldn’t buy a Lotus in the UAE. However, a regional office recently sprouted up in Abu Dhabi (via Al Futtaim Motors) and, as of this month, the Lotus Evora is available.

Shahzad Sheikh BELIEVES FORMULA ONE FANS SHOULD SNUB FERRARI FOR LOTUS NOVEMBER 2013

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Poor old Lotus constantly gets overlooked – and often branded the Skoda of F1. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The Evora – which isn’t really a new car, given it was first unveiled back in July 2008 at the British Motor Show – is built on a separate chassis to the mainstay Lotus Elise and its hard-core variant, the Exige (which will join the Evora on our shores soon). Five years old it may be, but Lotus have been constantly improving the car as they bid to challenge Porsche.

The Evora I got my hands on was actually the S IPS. Those last three letters stand for ‘Intelligent Precision Shift’ – otherwise known as plain old automatic. There are two models available, this and the regular flavour. Both come in six-speed manual or automatic. The engines in each are a 3.5-litre V6s, which is essentially the same unit you’ll find in a Toyota Avalon. So, contrary to the old (and derogatory) adage ‘Lotus – Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious’, the drivetrain on both cars is both reliable and durable.

The Evora, which starts from AED 337k, puts out 276bhp and 258lb ft of torque, meaning it has a top speed of 256kph and gets from 0-100kph in 5.2 seconds (5.0s for the manual). The Evora S can even be fitted with a supercharger to increase power to 345bhp and torque to 295lb ft. The top speed thus rises to 269kph, while the sprint to 100kph takes just 4.7 seconds.

All UAE cars come complete with a metallic finish, leather trim, power-fold mirrors, a

2013 LOT 2013 OTUS US EVO V RA A Pric Pr ice: e: Evo vora ra,, AE AED D 33 337k 7k Evor Ev oraa S, AED 386 8 k Engi En gine ne:: Ev Evor ora, a, 3.55-l - ititre V6, 6 276 76bh 76 b p @ 6,40 400r 0rpm pm, 258lb ft @ 4,600rp r m Evora S 3.5-litre V6 Superrch charged, 345bhp @ 7,00 000r 0rpm pm,, 29 295l 5lbb ft @ 4,50 500rpm Transmission: Six-speed auto, mid-engined, rear-whe h el dririve vee Performance: Evora, 0-100kph in 5.2s, top speed 256kph, 9.0L/1 / 00 00km km Evora S, 0-100kpph in 4.77s,, top spe peed ed 269kp ed 699kp kph, h,, 9.7L/ L//100km m Weig ight ht:: Ev ht Evor oraa, 143 or 436k 6kgg Ev 6k Evoora ora S, 1,442 ,4442 42k 2kg kg

reversing camera (useful since visibility aft isn’t ideal), an uprated stereo and an Alpine in-car system with a seven-inch touchscreen.

The S IPS also boasts Sports Mode, giving it sharper throttle response, keener settings for the Dynamic Performance Management system (which looks after the traction control and electronic differential lock), a sports diffuser and stainless steel exhaust.

Lotus (laughably) dub this model a four-seater, cheekily classifying the rear bench as two seats, even though you wouldn’t even stash a tiny child there. It’s better to just view the back as a stylishly finished storage area.

Still, calling the S IPS a four-seater does help with insurance premiums!

Beheld in person, the Evora is absolutely gorgeous and perfectly proportioned. It has a distinctive wedge-shaped profile, harking back to cars like the Esprit, yet peruse it from a threequarter angle and it’s all curves and contours.

As you’d expect, it’s not the easiest vehicle to clamber in and out of. You have to bend right down and slide your backside across the wide sill – into those thin but alluring bucket sports seats – and then fold your legs to squeeze in. Having said that, once inside the driving position is laid-back and remarkably comfortable. I spent all day in the Evora and had no real complaints about space. The long-serving ex-boss of Lotus, Mike Kimberley, was a tall chap at 6ft 5, and all cars had to fit him.

Shahzad Sheikh is editor of Motoring Middle East. For more information about his work go to motoringme.com or email him via shahzad@motoringme.com.

Admittedly, Lotus is primarily obsessed with the drive and engineering, rather than the touchy feely bits. However, whilst the ICE unit looks a bit forced, the rest of the dashboard and console works well with an appropriate efficiency of purpose. That said, do ensure the sales rep explains all the controls and buttons to you, since they’re not always clear and their placement is erratic.

The Evora is certainly not crafted or finished anywhere near as well as a Porsche or Ferrari, but the essentials – the instrumentation, the steering wheel and the anodised aluminium paddles behind the wheel – are all spot on.

Fire it up and there’s quite a bit of clatter and chatter from behind you, with various pumps and motors awakening. You’ll also find that every time you come to a halt an intrusive cooling system purrs loudly behind your right ear. The acceleration is quite impressive, if not startling. The Evora is deceptively composed, to the point where you have to glance down at the instrument panel to realise you’re going about 20kph faster than you thought – especially through the corners.

The Evora has a low centre of gravity and thus the agility and faithful interpretation of your steering input beggar belief. Find yourself a twisty road and the car displays incredible stability, a superbly neutral attitude, subtle changes on the throttle mid-bend, precise turn-in, grip like it’s riding on Velcro tyres, and body control that is perfectly judged. In short, the Evora defies the laws of physics.

Whereas most modern cars either nanny you with driver aids that compensate for your lack of skills, or lull you into a false sense of security, leaving you unaware of just how close to danger you are, the Evora is an energetic but honest car which has got Ferrari beat.

What about Porsche, though? Well, in terms of pure driveability, yes, but a Porsche Cayman S – which offers similar power and performance, but in a more opulent and userfriendly package – costs just AED 227k. Even a Porsche 911 Carrera 4 is cheaper than the Evora. And therein is the rub.

The Evora is an expensive toy, but if the drive itself is paramount to you, and you want to be sure you’re buying the keenest steer this side of a full-on F1 car, then prepare to dig deep into your pockets!

NOVEMBER 2013

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YOUR GUIDE TO SPORT IN THE MIDDLE EAST BASKETBALL

During the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix, Red Bull’s Mark Webber became the first F1 driver to do ‘doughnuts’ on the iconic Burj Al Arab

MPAC SPORTS The UAE’s No.1 basketball academy Location: Abu Dhabi

+971 5 0142 9330 info@mpacsports.com mpacsports.com

BOXING HADDINS GYM Abu Dhabi’s premier fitness centre Location: Zayed Sports City

+971 5 0800 6492 info@haddins.com haddins.com LE MERIDIEN DUBAI Box on the beach Location: Garhoud

+971 4 702 2430 info@lemeridien-dubai.com lemeridien-dubai.com

CRICKET ICC GLOBAL CRICKET ACADEMY The place new Tendulkars are born Location: Dubai Sports City

+971 4 448 1355 iccgca@dxbsport.com iccglobalcricketacademy.com G FORCE CRICKET ACADEMY Grass roots cricket at its best Location: Karama

+971 4 396 9994 jasapara@emirates.net.ae gforcecricketacademy.com MAX TALENT Maximise your talent Location: Dubai Sports City

+971 4 283 1705 info@maxtalent.org maxtalent.org

FOOTBALL AL AHLI SPORTS CLUB Dubai’s top football club Location: Airport Road

+971 4 672 122 info@al-ahliclub.com al-ahliclub.com AL NASR LEISURELAND Appreciate the infinite pleasures of leisure Location: Karama

+971 4 337 1234 alnasrll@eim.ae alnasrll.com CARLTON PALMER ACADEMY First-class coaching by ex-pros Location: Nad Al Sheba

+971 5 0284 5061 kirkcpfa@gmail.com cp-fa.com

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DUBAI FOOTBALL ACADEMY A world-class training facility Location: Sports City

+971 4 425 1111 football@dxbsport.com footballacademydubai.com DUPLAYS Play sport. Be social Location: Dubai Media City

+971 5 5224 0187 info.dxb@duplays.com duplays.com

INSPORTZ Air-conditioned indoor sports facility Location: Al Quoz

+971 4 347 5833 insportz@eim.ae insportzclub.com

INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL ACADEMY UAE’s largest grass roots football family Location: Al Barsha

+971 4 454 1683 info@ifasport.com ifasport.com JEBEL ALI CENTRE OF EXCELLENCE The pitches the pros use Location: Jebel Ali

+971 4 883 0828 chris.brown@jaihotels.com jebelali-international.com MANCHESTER CITY SOCCER SCHOOL Are you the next Aguero?

Location: Zayed Sports City

+971 5 610 9187 simon.hewitt@mcfc.co.uk mcfc.co.uk

+974 4 4960 7777 info@dohagolfclub.com dohagolfclub.com DUBAI CREEK GOLF & YACHT CLUB The wettest track in the UAE Location: Dubai Creek

+971 4 295 6000 info@dubaigolf.com dubaigolf.com MANCHESTER UNITED SOCCER SCHOOL Learn football the United way Location: Airport Road

+971 2 449 8480 muss@manutdsoccerschools.ae manutdsoccerschools.ae SOCCER CIRCUS The world’s first football-themed tourist attraction Location: Mirdif

+971 4 231 6275 info@soccercircus.com soccercircus.com

GOLF ABU DHABI CITY GOLF CLUB Boasts the UAE’s first two-tiered range Location: Al Mushrif

+971 2 445 9600 office@adcitygolf.ae adcitygolf.ae

THE ELS CLUB Els, Westwood and McIlroy all train here Location: Dubai Sports City

+971 4 425 1010 golf@elsclubdubai.com elsclubdubai.com EMIRATES GOLF CLUB Home of the Desert Classic since 1989 Location: Emirates Hills

+971 4 380 2222 info@dubaigolf.com dubaigolf.com JEBEL ALI GOLF RESORT & SPA Unique, affordable and enjoyable Location: Jebel Ali

+971 4 883 6000 jagrs@jaihotels.com jebelali-international.com

AL BADIA GOLF CLUB Golf with a festival atmosphere Location: Festival City

+971 4 601 0101 albadiagolf@ichdfc.ae albadiagolfclub.ae AL HAMRA GOLF CLUB Excellent value and an even better course Location: Ras Al Khaimah

+971 7 244 7474 info@alhamragolf.com alhamragolf.com ARABIAN RANCHES A true desert challenge Location: Emirates Road

+971 4 366 3000 golfacademy@arabianranchesgolf.ae arabianranchesgolfdubai.com DOHA GOLF CLUB Qatar’s hidden gem Location: Doha

THE WAVE MUSCAT A Greg Norman links course that is making waves Location: Muscat

+968 2 452 4649 info@thewavemuscat.com thewavemuscat.com TOWER LINKS The most underrated club in the UAE Location: Ras Al Khaimah

+971 7 227 8555 membership@towerlinks.com towerlinks.com YAS LINKS The UAE’s top track Location: Yas Island

+971 2 810 7777 info@yaslinks.com yaslinks.com

HORSE RIDING HOOFBEATZ Horses and humans in harmony Location: Dubai Polo & Equestrian Club

+971 5 0181 0401 info@hoofbeatz.com hoofbeatz.com

ABU DHABI GOLF CLUB Unleash the Tiger in you Location: Sas Al Nakhi

+971 2 558 8990 info@adgolfclub.com adgolfclub.com AL AIN EQUESTRIAN, SHOOTING & GOLF CLUB Shoot balls and bullets Location: Al Ain

+971 3 768 4888 info@aesgc.ae aesgc.ae

THE ADDRESS MONTGOMERIE Address your golf swing here Location: Emirates Hills

+971 4 390 5600 info@themontgomerie.ae themontgomerie.com

MARTIAL ARTS

JUMEIRAH GOLF ESTATES The Race to Dubai ends here Location: Dubai Sports City

+971 4 390 3333 info@jumeirahgolfestates.com jumeirahgolfestates.com ROYAL GOLF CLUB Bahrain’s premier golf destination Location: Riffa

+973 1 775 0777 golfevents@theroyalgolfclub.com theroyalgolfclub.com

SAADIYAT BEACH GOLF CLUB One of Gary Player’s finest creations Location: Saadiyat Island

+971 2 557 8000 info@sbgolfclub.ae sbgolfclub.ae SHARJAH GOLF & SHOOTING CLUB Where golf is never over-Sharjed Location: Sharjah

+971 6 548 7777 info@golfandshootingshj.com golfandshootingshj.com

DUBAI AIKIDO CLUB Live the Samurai dream Location: Al Wasl Road

+971 5 0795 2716 aikido.jr@gmail.com aikido.ae DUBAI LADIES CLUB Fight in a tranquil ambience Location: Jumeirah Beach

+971 4 349 9922 marhaba@dubailadiesclub.com dubailadiesclub.com

info@shotokanuae.com shotokanuae.com

MOTOR SPORTS FERRARI WORLD Ride the world’s fastest rollercoaster Location: Yas Island

+971 2 496 8001 sales@faraleisure.com ferrariworldabudhabi.com YAS MARINA CIRCUIT Home of the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix Location: Yas Island

+971 6 559 9999 customerservice@yasmarinacircuit.com yasmarinacircuit.com

POLO DUBAI POLO & EQUESTRIAN CLUB The place for camel polo Location: Dubai Studio City

+971 4 361 8111 info@poloclubdubai.com poloclubdubai.com DUBAI POLO ACADEMY Learn the world’s oldest team game Location: Arabian Ranches

+971 5 0887 9847 info@dubaipoloacademy.com dubaipoloacademy.com

RUGBY ARABIAN POTBELLIES True barbarian rugby in the Middle East Location: Jebel Ali

+971 5 6603 1989 francoscott@hotmail.com arabianpotbellies.com DUBAI EXILES An ‘exilent’ club Location: Al Ain Road

+971 5 0459 5693

MUAY THAI War on the shore Location: Sheikh Zayed Road

+971 5 5311 3503 info@muaythai.ae muaythai.ae ORIENTAL KARATE & KOBUDO CLUB Kicking ass since 1987 Location: Airport Road

+971 2 445 7375 karate@emirates.net.ae orientalkarate.com SHOTOKAN KARATE UAE’s first Japanese sports centre Location: Sharjah

+971 6 554 6160

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SPORTS CALENDAR 2 NOV, RUGBY UNION: ENGLAND V AUSTRALIA, TWICKENHAM

16 NOV, RUGBY UNION: ENGLAND V NEW ZEALAND, TWICKENHAM

3 NOV, RUGBY UNION: NEW YORK MARATHON

17 NOV, FORMULA ONE: UNITED STATES GRAND PRIX, AUSTIN

4-11 NOV, TENNIS: ATP WORLD TOUR FINALS, LONDON

21-25 NOV, CRICKET: 1ST TEST, AUSTRALIA A V ENGLAND, BRISBANE

6-9 NOV, CRICKET: AUSTRALIA A V ENGLAND, HOBART

24 NOV, FORMULA ONE: BRAZILIAN GRAND PRIX, SAO PAULO

9 NOV, RUGBY UNION: ENGLAND V ARGENTINA, TWICKENHAM

28-30 NOV, RUGBY UNION: DUBAI RUGBY SEVENS

13-16 NOV, CRICKET: NEW SOUTH WALES XI V ENGLAND, SYDNEY

29-30 NOV, CRICKET: CHAIRMAN’S XI V ENGLAND, CANBERRA

7-10 NOV, GOLF: TURKISH OPEN, ANTALYA

30 NOV, RUGBY UNION: WORLD CUP FINAL, OLD TRAFFORD

14-17 NOV, GOLF: TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP, DUBAI

1-7 DEC, GOLF: DUBAI LADIES MASTERS

15-17 NOV, TENNIS: DAVIS CUP FINAL

5-9 DEC, CRICKET: 2ND TEST, AUSTRALIA A V ENGLAND, ADELAIDE

15 & 19 NOV, TENNIS: WORLD CUP PLAYOFFS (EUROPE)

6 DEC, FOOTBALL: WORLD CUP DRAW, SALVADOR

chairman@dubaiexiles.com dubaiexiles.com DUBAI FROGS ‘Oui nide iou’ Location: Umm Nahad

+ 971 5 0452 9596 im@aen90.com dubai-frogs.com DUBAI HURRICANES Cooking up a rugby storm Location: Al Ain Road

+971 5 0578 1479 hurricanepauly@hotmail.com dubaihurricanes.com JEBEL ALI DRAGONS Play with fire Location: Jebel Ali

+971 5 0657 9827 woodtj@emirates.net.ae jebelalidragonsrfc.com SHARJAH WANDERERS Over 700 active members Location: Sharjah

+971 6 566 2105 swsc@eim.ae sharjahwanderers.com

SAILING ABU DHABI INTERNATIONAL SAILING CLUB A cosmopolitan sailing experience Location: Abu Dhabi Corniche

+971 2 681 5566 sailing@adimsc.com adimsc.com ABU DHABI SAILING CLUB Your home from home Location: Meena Zayed

+971 2 673 1111 info@the-club.com the-club.com

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DUBAI OFFSHORE SAILING CLUB Internationally acclaimed sailing club Location: Umm Suqeim 1

+971 4 394 1669 administration@doscuae.com dosc.ae

SWIMMING AUSTRALIAN INTERNATIONAL SWIM SCHOOLS Get an aquatic education Location: Fairmont Dubai

+971 4 386 5718 swim@aiss.ae aiswimschools.com

CLUB JOUMANA Caroline Wozniacki sometimes swings by Location: Jebel Ali Golf Resort & Spa

+971 4 814 5555 jagrs@jaihotels.com jebelali-international.com THE RITZ-CARLTON DUBAI BEACH CLUB Tennis in a five-star environment Location: Ritz Carlton Dubai

+971 4 399 4000 dxbrz.leads@ritzcarlton.com ritzcarlton.com

WATERSPORTS

HAMILTON AQUATICS Learn to swim Location: Jumeirah

+971 5 0250 5216 info@hamiltonaquatics.ae hamiltonaquatics.ae MUSHRIF PARK Dubai’s largest, oldest park Location: Mirdif

+971 4 288 3624 info@mushrifcentralpark.ae mushrifcentralpark.ae STA AL WASL SWIMMING ACADEMY Become a stronger swimmer Location: Al Wasl Club

+971 4 446 7400 swimming@vipeduc.com vipeduc.com

TENNIS CLARK FRANCIS TENNIS An ace academy Location: Garhoud

+971 5 6719 7042 tennis@clarkfrancistennis.com clarkfrancistennis.com

AL BOOM DIVING Leading dive operator in the UAE Location: Al Aqah Beach Resort

+971 4 342 2993 abdiving@emirates.net.ae alboomdiving.com CLUB MINA 500m private beach and club Location: Le Meridien Mina Seyahi

+971 4 399 3333 club@lemeridien-minaseyahi.com lemeridien-minaseyahi.com DUBAI AQUARIUM An underwater zoo Location: Dubai Mall

+971 4 448 5200 enquiries@thedubaiaquarium.com thedubaiaquarium.com DUBAI WATER SPORT ACADEMY Try your hand at some of Dubai’s

wackier water sports Location: Dubai Marina

+971 5 0478 0114 info@bristol-middleeast.com bristol-holding.com EASY DIVERS EMIRATES Enjoy an underwater adventure Location: Emirates Hills

+971 4 447 2247 info@easydiversemirates.com easydiversemirates.com EMIRATES DIVING ASSOCIATION Inspiring people to care about our oceans since 1995 Location: Dubai Creek

+971 4 393 9390 diving@emiratesdiving.com emiratesdiving.com GLOBAL SCUBA DIVE Go on a diving break to Oman Location: Oman

+968 2 469 2346 enquiries@global-scuba.com global-scuba.com MONTY’S ROWING SCHOOL Getting fit is just a stroke away Location: Al Boom Tourist Village

+971 5 0738 0910 details@montysrowingschool.com montysrowingschool.com NAUTICA 1992 Fish, windsurf, paraglide and kayak Location: Mina Siyahi Beach

+971 5 0426 2415 info@nautica1992.ae nautica1992.ae 7 SEAS DIVERS UAE’s oldest dive centre Location: Khor Fakkan

+971 9 238 7400 bestdive@emirates.net.ae 7seasdivers.com

EXCLUSIVE: KEVIN PIETERSEN COLUMN: ANDREW STRAUSS TUITION: ARSENE WENGER

Issue 13 November 2013 mesportstalk.com

AED 15

FOR THE SPORTING CONNOISSEUR

PLUS DP WORLD TOUR CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW HARRY REDKNAPP’S WACKIEST SIGNINGS FORMULA ONE IN A BLACK CAB

PUBLICATION LICENSED BY IMPZ

ISSUE 13 t NOVEMBER 2013 t mesportstalk.com

MIKE TYSON REVEALS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD BY 30