Mixed doubles

My wife and I had the opportunity recently to visit and observe up close some couples—all married for more than 20 years—who appeared as different as chalk and cheese.

You, too, probably know of such couples. For example, where one spouse is a lark while the other an owl in their sleeping and waking patterns. One whose idea of a good holiday involves dashing off to cover as many sights as possible, while all the other wants is to stay put and relax. One a hoarder while the other a minimalist in their approach to possessions. I think you get the idea of what I mean by the differences which "mixed doubles" have to endure living with one another.

Although some of the differences may seem trivial, over time it could become the pebble in one's shoe, causing annoyance that eventually leads to open warfare or even a permanent schism. We may have heard of couples who fight over their toothpaste, because one spouse systematically begins from the bottom and carefully rolls up the tube while the other squeezes the tube wherever convenient.

As a marital therapist, I have a professional interest in this area. How is it that some marriages can weather such turbulence and others do not? This question highlights that it is not the absence of differences nor even conflict that makes a marriage strong. Even in spite of apparent mismatch, some marriages are fundamentally strong.

I made some observations in our interactions with the long-married couples.

One feature is humour, or a couple's ability to laugh about and with each other but not at each other. The difference is small but critical. You may complain about your spouse's need to check repeatedly that the door is properly closed before leaving home but you also accept that the anxiety has a good intent and in the greater scheme of things, amounts at most to an annoyance.

The phrase "greater scheme of things" encapsulates another coping feature. In other words, the couple keeps in mind the big picture, which helps them not to "sweat the small stuff" or "major in the minors". They acknowledge that the irritations and annoyances do exist but there are bigger things holding them together, be it their children, shared history or hopes for the future. To be sure, this important glue may change over time. For example, the children will grow up and the couple may then band together to be better caregivers to their ailing parents.

Another characteristic is the recognition that we all have faults. In strong relationships, there is no competition over who has more faults or whose faults are more damning. When spouses start keeping score on how each has been disappointed, the relationship descends to unforgiveness and bitterness. Remember not to be overly critical of each other and of yourself.

And like any enduring relationship, it is important to set aside time regularly to give the marriage some TLC (tender loving care). If we take spa retreats to care for our tired bodies or treat eyebags, why not do the same for our tired relationships? Spending a few days together, not immersing yourselves in activity but sharing slow meals and quiet walks is a useful start. Then take time to reflect on the past, maybe giggle about the petty fights, or mourn jointly over past losses. Acknowledge and give thanks for where you currently are. Perhaps recalibrate plans for the near future. Doing all this as part of a relationship's repair or maintenance can help build a mixed but effective doubles match.

PSN, ASD, GDD, CP. Any idea what they mean?

In my previous workplace, I had the privilege of working in support of the special needs community, and these were some of the terms I learnt: PSN refers to a person with special needs, ASD is autism spectrum disorder, GDD is global developmental delay, and CP is cerebral palsy. I also learnt of the efforts that our society has taken to increase awareness, acceptance and inclusion of persons with special needs. One example of this is the implementation of universal design in new building projects and in the renovation of existing infrastructure. The objective is to make the physical environment accessible to as many people as possible, regardless of age, disability or other factors. Increasingly, we see more lifts, ramps, Braille on the walls, accessible parking lots, and even sensory level notices at museum exhibits.

Universal design is steadily becoming the norm in architecture, but what about in our churches? Besides the physical aspects of our church buildings, could we also plan our worship services with universal design in mind, so as to enable persons of varied abilities and disabilities to worship together?

Perhaps the elderly aunty who cannot see or hear very well would appreciate having a printed bulletin with large font. The boy with autism would love it too, because knowing what will happen next helps him calm down. The uncle who recently had leg surgery would feel less left out if the worship leader said, "Please stand, in body or in spirit, for the Scripture reading." And the girl with Down syndrome who loves to sing would join in with gusto, if only the songs had simpler words and rhythms.

Taking universal design into account may result in changes to our worship services that are not in line with our personal or stylistic preferences. However, Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV) says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." May God give us the courage to step out of our comfort zones and welcome all persons— including those with disabilities—to be part of the conversation with God!

The Methodist

School of

Music is organising a singing retreat for families, including those with special needs children, on 9 September 2023, 9.00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m., at Pentecost Methodist Church.

The worship and workshops at the retreat will be designed with the principles of inclusivity and universal design in mind.

More information can be found here: https://msmusic.edu.sg/ events/tfws-day2/

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For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38–39