Metro Weekly - December 5, 1996 by Metro Weekly

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METRO ARTS

Foc.us

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

HEARSAY

December5 -11, 1996 VOLUME 3, ISSUE 32

Sightings ofturkey

READER SURVEY

"Hello Dayton. Ohio! I'm Phil

Fill it in, win BIG PRIZES!

ASK DIVA

Donahue!" With those words,

BEHIND THE GROOVE 1)

spoken thirty years ago, the

SNAP SHOTS

landscape of daytime televi-

PAST OUT

Metro Arts & Entertainment Weekly 1649 Hobart Street NW Washington, DC. 20010 (202) 588-5220 fax (202) 588-5219 e-mail metroweek@aol.com Randy Shulman N. Marcus Slyman Publishers

Randy Shulman

sion forever changed.

Editor

BODYWISE Wish list for workout elves

Though not gay himself,

Todd Franson Assisumt EdilOr!

Phorographer

Sean Bugg Alan Chasan Edward Cowen Bill Keart Mark J. Schroeder Daniel Smith

Donahue has always been sympathetic to our issuescall him our straight

Associa.te BdilOrs

spokesperson. And in our

Tim Alevizos Richard Cytowic. M.D. Mark Hayes Nathan Postell Bob Roehr Lisa Stewart

exclusive interview, you'll see Donahue as you never have

ContriblllingWriters

before as he opens up about

NancySaiz Art Director

homophobia, the Jenny Jones

Paul Myatt Contributing Illustrator

murder, and life on'the air-

N. Marcus SlymQn

waves. Tune in.

COVER STORY OUT ON THE TOWN The return of Michael Wmn

J3 J)

STAGE

Top TENS

HOROSCOPE

THE BACK ROOM

[I)".liii\'iiSU

1211 H

George Morgan Disrribulion

Tiny Tim

Three's Company in Tehran

Taking the boyfriend home

Dean Gray AccowlrRepresentmilJe

FILM Dazzling, rewarding Patient

DirecrorofSales & Marketing

ParronSaint All material appearing in MellO Arts & Enlertamment Weekly IS prOlected by federal cOP~hl law and may not be reproduced In whole or pal1"1.Mlhoo"t rne permisSIOn of the publishers. MelIa Arts & Entertlunment Weekty assumes no responsibility for unso{(clled ma!erKiJs submitted for pubf:catian_ All sl..lCh submISSionS are Sublecl 10 edIting and wUI not be relUmed unless accompanled by a self-addressed, sta.mped envelope. Melro AIls & Entertainmenl Weekly IS supported by many hne adver1~ers. !Jut we cannot accept responglblhty for c!alnts made by advertJSers, nor can we- accept responslbllnV lor materials provtded by advertISers Of theIr agenHt PubllCsuon of the name or photograph of any person or orgatWnuan In articles or advertIsing In Metro Arts & Entertainment Weekly IS not 10 be consr.rued as any IndIcatIOn of the sexual 0(1entation of such person or organizatJon.

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iSad batteae (part 5)

A S soo:\: AS NOAH MENTIONED THAT HE WAS 11.alone in some stuffy room with some aging priest, my mind began to envision all sorts of things. I was sure he was going to tell me that the priest was going to demand some kind of sexual favors. But this wasn't the case. "So what did the guy want you to do?" ;\Joah's face turned expressionless. ":\othin,g really, absolutely nothing." "I don't understand. Certainly, he must have said something." "Yeah, he did. He told me I was an evil person, that I had destroyed myself through excess, and that every time I did the 'dirty thing' God puked. And that it was his duty his moral obligation - to prevent me from further corrupting the other guys at school. He said that since I was like an animal, always giving in to my animalistic desires, I had no right to be with other humans, and that Ishould be with my own kind." "That sounds pretty sick," I replied. "Sure doesn't sound like any brand of Christianity I've ever heard of. What do you think he meant?" "I guess he meant that if I was acting like an animal, I should look to animals - you know, like for sex." "[ hope you didn't buy into that crap! That dude you were talking with is one sick puppy, Noah. [ hope you know that?" "But he was the priest and I was the sin ner. He's supposed to know about stuff like this. So who was I to argue?" "I hope you didn't follow through with any of his garbage." I could feel my stomach churn with revulsion and horror. "Believe me, dude, there's not one guy in a thousand who doesn't pull his pud - and if you can find more than one, chances are he's lying. Did it ever occur to you that Father Whatshisname got his jollies from scaring

b¥ Mark.J Schroeder

young guys out of their wits?" I was relieved to learn that Noah never actually followed through with any of the holy man's advice. Not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't know how to. Besides, he just couldn't picture himself being inti mate with an ani mal. Instead, he did the most rea sonable thing he could think of he allowed his grades to plummet so badly, the parochial school insisted that he leave. So, against his parents' wishes, he enrolled in a public school. No longer being preached to and threat ened by sanctimonious clergymen, Noah completed his high school education with out any further academic hitches. He even graduated twelfth in his class. In public school he tried dating girls, but this turned out to be disastrous. "They seemed to like me okay, I guess, but I never really had any interest in them. The only girl I kinda liked was named Susan - but if I'm going to be honest with you, it was only because she had an older brother that I really liked. I'd go over to her house just to see Timmy. And it wasn't too long before Susan lost all interest in me." I understood where Noah was coming from. I felt his hurt and frustration. I desper ately wanted to help. So I made the follow ing suggestion: "How would you like to watch some videos in my bedroom?" "Sure. Why not?"

As Noah told his story, my stomach churned with revulsion and horror.

1258A

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~I--------'---l NEWSFLASH JUSTIN - HffiOFFTHE PRESSES... You've heard this by now, but just in case you haven't: We're gonna be taking a lot of Hawaiian vacays! In Hawaii today, First Circuit Court Judge Kevin Chang ruled in favor of the right to marry for "same-gender couples"! It's but one battle in a big war, but boy, what a victory, huh? Everyone, go to the Capitol and throw celebratory rice - er, we mean birdseed - on the Hawaiian Congresspersons. They should be easy to spot: they're the ones wearing leis... MEMORIES OF TURKEY DAY'96... It was Turkey Day as usual for Hearsay last week. First we got up and watched the parades, since our evil friend Berger Stroginoffhad informed us that this year Macy's was introducing a new balloon: Petey the Squirting Peeker. We called Berger to complain and he apologized, saying he'd gotten it wrong. Petey was going to be a mascot at one of the football games, he wasn't sure which one. So we watched jockstraps - er, football- all day. Guess what? No Petey. Just lots of heiny. By this time, Berger had slipped safely out oftown, so we went down to Trio's for a dinner with the dentured elite. (Made us feel like a teen!) Afterwards, we stopped into Trulftpets for one of Chris Plount's special dirty martinis (while you drink it, he whispers profanities in your ear). Next stop, Ozone to listen to Bill "Dolby Surround" Keart and Alan "THX" Chasan spin retro足 hits. Finally, we lubed our gullets at Club Zei, for Altas's hoppin' boppin' Talk Turkey to Me. It was there we met Tommy the Turkey Boy (meaning he's just a wee bit older than chicken). We went back to his pen where he immediately removed his feathers and asked us to butter his cavity using our special baster. Trust us, it was better'n Stovetop Stuffin'... SPEAKING OF BIG FEATHERED BIRDS... A very happy belated 25th Anniversary to the Eagle, which has been the premiere leather bar in this city for SHHHHHHLLUUUUUURRRP a quarter SHHHHHHLLUUUUUURRRP century and who celebrated with a SHHHHHHLLU足 UUUUURRRP. Okay, what the hell is going on?What are those disgusting slurp足 ing noises? Could it be that Hearsay is trying to kiss the Eagle's fine leathered butt so that the really wonderful and understanding manager there will, in the Holiday spirit, once again distribute our pathetic, worthless, undeserving 1\Ninkie rag? We're trying to butch up, honest! Ooo! Is that a White Sale at Nordstrom? Sorry men, gotta go stock up on linens. Tommy left some stuffing on our other set... SPEAKING OFTHE EAGLE... Somebody won the Mr. D.C. Eagle Contest last Saturday night, but we were too scared to call and find out who. Uyou know, please call the Hearsay Hotline so that we can properly report on this fine long-established event, sir, yes sir!... WHAT'S IN ANAME CHANGE? .. Annie Issak. It's a lot easier... BAR OFTHE WEEK... It's La Cage's turn (Snapshots, page 19). And there was a large turnout last Saturday night to watch the amazing gyrating Chance Caldwell. Among those spotted in the crowd who would probably rather not be named so we'll give them pseudonyms (but they know who they are): The Duke of York; Madge Piebird; Sir Lancealot; and Frisky Biscuit. We learned that dancerTodd claims in a previous Hearsay item we said he looked like Demi Moore. Upon closer inspection, we've decided that he looks more like an oil drill. And we were

12. M

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thrilled to see the new Queen of La Cage. Sam Marsh. in full regal repost. Our favorite dancer? The blond one with the furry buttocks. We'd sure like to make a blanket out of his trimmings... HEARSAY HAPPY BIRTHDAYS TO... Christopher Torres, owner ofReincamations, who turns 32 on December 11. According to his lover. Frank Bauman, Chris loves stamp collecting and bird watching, not to mention long walks in the woods and playing blackjack with Tarot Cards... FROM THE HOTLINE... The uniquely named Lee Syvret (pronounced Smith) faxed the Hearsay Hotline a tad past deadline with this celebratory tidbit: "My lover of 11 years is having his birthday on December 2. He is a hot, hairy redhead [which is more information than Hearsay needed to know]. and a real Daddy! We have a 12-year-old son. We will celebrate at Trumpets for dinner. He can be seen designing the gardens for most major embassies and attached to my..." Attached to my what? Earlobe? Refrigerator? Personal Deluxe Vac- U -Pump? This time not enough information! And. speaking of not enough info, since we don't have the lover's name, we can't officially wish him an HHB. But we can always make up a pseudonym for him. Hmmm. Redhead, hot, hairy? Lucille Ball before the waxing?.. Did you spotfodie Foster and Ellen DeGeneres doing the slippery thing at Slyde? That's just the kind of thing Hearsay needs to know! Fax the Hearsay Hotline at (202) 588-5219, or e-mail us at MetroWeek@aol.com....

Stephen B. Mercer t

Attorney at Law

y and Lesbian individuals who have been di criminated against on the basis of their sexual orientation in employment, access to public accommodations and housing in Montgomery County, Prince George's County, Howard County and Baltimore City have the right to sue for damage or relief under Maryland Law.

8605 Cameron St. P 30J-585-2144 Suite M8 F 301-585路2035 Silver Spring, Maryland 20910 llj

ensed in the State of Maryland

MW's BEST OF QUEER DC '96

Cast Your Votes Now and Win Fabulous Prizes! Here's your chance to cast your votes in MW's exclusive Best of Queer DC '96 Reader's Poll' When you send in your survey and include your name and address, you'll automatically be entered into a drawing for one of over 40 fabulous prizes, includ足 ing tickets to Arena Stage, The Shakespeare Theatre, The Studio Theatre, the Kennedy Center, movie passes, movie posters, soundtrack CDs, and t-shirts (see details at the end of the survey).

Simply fill out this page, front and back, tear out and mail to MW Poll, 1649 [-Iob''lrt Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20010. Or fax both sides to MW at (202) 58R-5219. You may also E-mail your responses to MetroWeek@nol.com- just type in your responses to match the numbers. All surveys must be received by Friday, December 28, 1996.

Please make your markings bold and legible.

PART I. Pick Your Favorites 1. What's your favorite D.C. DANCE CLUB? Check one: o Bachelor's Mill o Badlands o Circle Underground ::.l Delta Elite o The Edge o Escandalo o Hung Jury o Ozone o Remington's IJ Tracks U Ziegfield's o Other

2. What's your favorite 17TH STREET BAR? Check one: o Cobalt OJR's o Trumpets/ Drama Lounge o Windows on 17th S1. o Other

3. What's your favorite DUPONT CIRCLE BAR? Check one: :i The Circle 'J Escandalo The Fireplace o The Fraternity House :i Larry's Lounge o Mr P's o Other

5. What's your favorite D.C. BAR/ CLUB OVERALL?

6. Who's your favorite D.C. BARTENDER? (Include name of bar.) Bartender:

4. What's your favorite OTHER NEIGHBORHOOD BAR? Check one: o The Eagle (downtown) Knob Hill (uptown) o La Cage (SE) Q Green Lantern (downtown) o Phase One (Capitol Hill) o Remington's (Capitol Hill) o Secrets (SE) OWet (SEl o Other

8. What's your favorite LOCAL COFFEE HOUSE? Check one: U Pop Stop U Jolt N'Bolt ..I SoHo o Java House U Java Shack 1..1 Other

9. What are your favorite LOCAL RESTAURANTS? List up to three:

Bar: a.

7. Which D.C. bar has the best WOMEN'S NIGHT7

PART II. Reader Survey To help MW serve yOll better, please answer the follOWing questions about the magazine:

10. How often do you read/pick upMW? i,] Every week CJ 2 to 3 times/month o Less than twice/month

11. How often do you take it home with you? Always o Sometimes U Never (go to question 12)

11-a. If you take it home, how many adults in your household also read it?

12 5 98

'''''1111'4140

9'0

12. How often do you read the following portions of the magazine? AlWAYS SOM£nMES Nem

ALWAYS SOM£nMES NEVER

a, In Focus

(personal essays)

OS ON

o. Concert/Recording Reviews 0 A

0 SON

b. Hearsay

Igossipllighl newsl

OS ON

p. Top Tens

0 A

0 S D N

OS ON

q. Horoscope

0 A

0 SON

OS ON

r. The Back Room

Snapshots

d. Ask Diva

Iphotosl

ladvicel

e. Behind the Groove f. The Love Doctor

Imusicl

OS ON OS ON

h. Healthwise i. Sportswise

OS ON

j. Past Out

OS ON

m.Out on the Town levenl. listingl

OS ON

n. FilmfTheatre Reviews

OS ON

Irelalionshipsl

lfilness)

(his'o,,!)

k. Queer Science I. Cover features

linterviews. sWies)

0 ADS 0 N

Ihumorl

CIA OS ON

g. Bodywise

ILocal OJ Hils Lists!

13. What do you like BEST about MW?

14. What do you like LEAST about MW7

15. Any suggestions for new columns or feature story topics?

PART III. Enough about us, lNhat about you?

HOW OFTEN DO YOU: .

[TIMES PER MONTH]

16. Go out to a local bar or dance club?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

17. Eat dinner at a local restaurant?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

18. Go out to the movies?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

19. Rent videos?

o Never

01-3

04-6

CJ7-9

010 or more

20. Attend live theatre?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

21. Attend live concerts?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

22. Go to an art exhibit/museum?

o Never

01-3

04-6

07-9

010 or more

23. Sex: OMaie D Female

24. Age:

o Under 21

D 22-30

31-40

41-50

051+

26. Approximate income: o Under $20,OOO/year 0$20,001 - $40,OOO/year 0$40,001 - $60,OOO/year o Over $60,000/year o None of your

business!

27. What is your zip code?

25. Job:

o Full-time

Part-time Unemployed Student

8"'""

11'.

28. How many adults in your household?

'2,5 M

YES! NAME

ADDRESS

PLEASE ENTER ME IN THE DRAWINGI (SEE PRIZES NEXT PAGE)

FABULOUS PRIZES 2 GRAND PRIZES: Tvvo tickets to Arena Stage (good for any shovvs remaining in this current season), dinners for tvvo at Greenvvood Restaurant.

4 FIRST PRIZES: Tvvo tickets to either The Shakespeare Theatre (good for any shovvs remaining in this current season), The Studio Theatre's Love! Valour! Compassion!, the April 8 opening night performance of the Dance Theatre of Harlem at the Kennedy Center Opera House, or Sheer Madness (any Sunday, 7 p.m. performance in March or April).

1 Third Prize: The Out There Comedy Special Videotape Trilogy. 15 Fourth Prizes: Two movies passes. 20 Fifth Prizes: Either a CD from a current popular movie (Shine, Slingbiade, Beautiful Thing or Romeo & Juliet), a movie poster (such as The Star Wars Trilogy, Romeo & Juliet, or Evita) or a movie tee-shirt (such as Beevis & Butthead or 101 Dalmatians). Contest Rules: Winners will be drawn at random from all entries received. Prizes will be mailed in early January, 1997. Please note that all names and addresses will remain confidential and will not be sold or distributed to other lists.

INTER I

~AYLA 97~"r Fort Lauderdale's Weekend of Celebration Friday, February 14 thriI Monday, February 17

* Private Valentine's Cocktail Party * Beach Party * MCC Love Celebration/Couple's Commillmenl Ceremony * Fantascas Party * Winter Pride Parade/Festival * Jungle Queen Cruise Along the Canals of Fl. Lauderdale c--足

Plus!! Round Trip Airfare Irom DC-All Ground & Wal" Transportalion from Airporland t. Barr/Evenll' 3 Nighll

Accommodations at the Radisson Hotel on the Beach Breakfut Each Morning- Bagpge Handling. Tueland Tips

IGTA Member

toursandtrav~

()UTther

phone 301571.4981, fax 301.5710404, email ouUhere@elOls.com

Prices Per Person Before Early Bird Discount

Double: $713 Triple: $625 Quad: $583 fSO EarlYHiTi1 Discount ifReserve by December 19

Address your questions to

DIVA c/oMW

1649 Hobart Street NW

Washington, DC 20010

Or fax your message to (202) 588-5219. Or e-mail metroweek@aol.com

Diva has a simple rule for those occasions that you notice someone is in need ofa little subtle grooming. Opinions expressed are Diva's and do not necessarily reflect If the problem can be quickly those of Metro Arts & . and easily remedied, t~en Entertainment Weekly. Letters

are subject to editing.

by all means lean forward, and whisper gently in their ear, "You might want to clean your nose" or "wipe DEAREST DIVA, your chin" or "re-align your Recently I attended ajam left boob." packed community social If, on the other hand, event and ran into an old the poor individual can't do acquaintance. I couldn't anything about it right then and there, you may as well help but notice he was dis playing the tell-tale sign of keep your mouth shut. Thus, cocaine use - a little dot of it is of no use for you to point white powder left on the tip out that his nostril hair is in of his nose. I was at a loss as need of trimming, or that he to how to handle this awk . has a grease stain on his tie, ward situation, so I didn't say or that his five 0' clock shad ow is visible through his anything. make-up base. What's the appropriate This rule does not apply way to behave in such a situ for couples. It is always ation? Should I have said appropriate - even expect something? Ifso, what? -Puzzled ed - for lovers to point out every single physical flaw they can find on their mate. DEAREST PUZZLED, Let us imagine the pump's Diva assumes, however, you on the other foot. darling, understand,that under no and you were the one with circumstances should "couple drubbing" occur an spot of unmentionable dust on your nose. Wouldn't in public. Nothing is more you want to know? Orwould embarrassing than to have you rather wait until you had your other half describe gotten home, only to look personal details that even into the mirror and real~ze your doctor would rather you had made an utter fool not hear. of yourself at a jam-packed But what if you are in a sit social event? uation where it is impossible

to whisper your advice? For example, you are at a board meeting, and the dapper fel low sitting across the table from you has a big old doughnut crumb nestled comfortably on the tip of his nose. In this instance, your best bet is to pass him a handwritten note. Resist the

temptation to rub your own

nose in the hopes that he

will get the hint and do the

same. He will probably

ignore you, but everyone

else in the room will think

they have something on

their nose, or will think that

you have a bad cocaine habit

and will plan a forced inter

vention and ship you off to

the Betty Ford Clinic for a

30-day visit. Trust Diva

there are better ways to get

close to Elizabeth Taylor.

DEAREST DIVA,

I'm new in town, and would

like to know where I can find

the best "escorts." Any sug

gestions?

-Searching DEAREST SEARCHING,

Why, Diva knowsjustthe place. They have "escorts" in every hue imaginable, with all the best features and at the right price. Diva is refer ring to your local Ford deal er, of course. Happy car shopping!

t2 5 86

M"ii'liWiiS'G]

BEHIND

THE

IHaW/aW soulidtrackS

•

STHE HOLIDAY SEASON SHIFTS INTO HIGH

gear, so too are Hollywood's studios, releasing (on average) six films a week until the end of the year. And many releases are being accompanied by soundtracks ranging from multi-artist pop compilations to orchestral scores. Hollywood is hoping you'll move from the lines at the movies straight to the ones at the music stores. But at least this year, the choices are wider and the quality a whole lot higher. With that many choices it isn't surprising that one-quarter of the top twenty albums this week are soundtracks. Nor is it a shock that at the top of many gift lists are the bat tling divas: Madonna, Whitney, and Babs. Though the long-awaited movie version of Evita is not due in D.C. until January I, its soundtrack is already Top 10. On it, Madonna scales the now-classic songs such as "Don't Cry For Me Argentina," "Buenos . Aires," and "Rainbow High" and adds a new cut, "You Must Love Me" (written for the film by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice). While her interpretations are seldom flam boyant, they are delivered in a new, more polished register by the pop superstar. Whitney Houston, meanwhile, releases her third soundtrack (after The Bodyguard and Waiting To Exhale) from The Preacher's Wife, Penny Marshall's remakeof1947's The Bishop's Wife. The soundtrack combines Houston's pop numbers, such as the dance track "Step by Step" (penned by Annie Lenox) and the ballad "I Believe In You and Me" with a slew of gospel numbers that populate the film. The grandest diva of them all, Barbara Streisand returns with a soundtrack for her self-directed The Mirror Has Two Faces. Much ofthe album is filled by an instrumen tal score from Marvin Hamlisch, but there are a few vocal numbers, including

GROOVE

by Alan Chasan and Bill Kead

Streisand's duet with Bryan Adams, "I Finally Found Someone." This duet has already become Barbara's first Top 10 hit in 15 years! lfyou're looking for variety on a single soundtrack, this season offers a bevy of multi-artist compilations. For the alterna tive set, the new film version of Romeo & Juliet delivers Garbage and The Cardigans, while Beavis and ButtheadDo America serves, up No Doubt, LL Cool J, the Red Hot Chili Peppers (covering "Love Rollercoaster") , and Engelbert Humperdink's strangely titled, "Lesbian Seagull." R&B fans have many choices including Set It Off, with selections by Seal, Sim ply Red, and the reunited En Vogue. Space Jam scores with music from Salt-N-Pepa, Monica. Robin S., R. Kelly, and Seal, who covers "Fly Like An Eagle." Two other multi-artist soundtracks you may want to give or get this Christmas come from films that got very different receptions. Whoopi Goldberg's The Associate fared poorly' at the box office, but its soundtrack assembles some ofR&B's brightest females. By contrast, the soundtrack to the $lOO million block buster First Wives Club delivers dance m\.lsic from Martha Wash and M People. Happy Holidays and, by all means, ple~ ant shopping!

Hollywood hopes you'll move from the lines at the movi'es straight to those at the music stores.

125 . .

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Gay Men'6 Choru6

Wa6hington, D.C.

James Holloway, Music Director

In " f@~ti1J1e

1Lme5Pta~~

The HoLid'ay Concert Special Guest Narrator Andrew Sullivan December 7th at 8:00pm & December 8th at 3:00pm

1215 UStreet NW (at UStreet Metro)

Reserved seats: $35 box seats, $25 orchestra, $19 balcony

The Lincoln Theater

Tickets available from

TicketMaster (202-432-SEAT)

or Lambda Rising Bookstore

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Sponsored hy AnnieJ Paramounl Sleakhou$e

"Another Washington holiday tradition ... a little something for everyone." /l\elro Weekly. 1995 00 .... 00 00

''"or" <D

'",!.?., .<:.

Cl c

'" '"c'"

'in

6足 ~

by Papa ROTC

Vinnie and Jeff, ." in from Philly, taking in La Cage's monuÂ mental sights.

.6 Tom Wischer, one of the sweetest (and smartest) guys on Earth, and his tattoo.

." Proprietor Joe Starcher with La Cage fixture Samuel "â&#x201A;ŹIemens" Marsh.

.6 Arare shot of dancer Todd clothed. (Someone, quick! Alert National Geographic!)

125M

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oaturiJay, 'Dete",6er 7 6-7 PM

$1 Draft & Rail 8-11 PM Bring an Ornament for the Tree & ACan of Food for the Food Bank & Get aFree Rail or Draft Beer! ~uesiJay,

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IPerverse accusatfuns

HOW OlD McCARTHYISM AFFECT GAYS

.AND LESBIANS?

Between 1950 and 1954, U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-\A,TI) constantly made head lines with his attacks on communists and other "su bversives" that he claimed had infiltrated the entire federal government. McCarthy was only one of many public fig ures who crusaded against "anti-American" employees of the federal government, yet his attention-grabbing stunts and blowhard persona helped lend his name to the phe nomenon now known as "McCarthyism." The McCarthy Era saw a widespread push to root out "perverts" from government ser vice - the overwhelming majority of those "perverts" being lesbians and gay men. About two weeks after McCarthy's first media splash in which he alleged that hun dreds of communists were working in the State Department, a top ranking official indicated that nearly a hundred of that agency's employees had resigned amid con cern that they were security risks, adding "most ofthese were homosexuals." This revelation caused a media stir, appearing on the front page ofthe next day's New York Times and causing many both inside and outside the government to ask just how widespread was the infiltration of sex perverts within the ranks of govern ment. Few questioned the assumption that homosexuals serving in government posi tions posed a threat to national security whether through the risk of blackmail or through the presumed weakness and incompetence of "moral degenerates." The investigations continued throughout 1950, with dozens oflesbians and gay men losing their jobs. In December, the Senate Subcommittee on Investigations released a report, charging that gays were unsuitable

b¥ David Bianco

for government jobs. This report and the other accusations of the McCarthy Era were turned into concrete homophobic policies as the 1950s wore on. The FBI began surveillance of gay bars and social networks while the Post Office began keeping track of homosexuals by noting the sub scribers to physique maga zines and gay pen pal clubs. Soon after Eisenhower took office in 1953, he issued Executive Order 10450, which made "sexual per version" accept able grounds for firing any govern ment employee, from the military to the Library of Congress. The greatest irony ofthis historical episode is the fact that McCarthy was often accused - McCarthy style - of having been gay himself. Abache lor for 45 years until he married a member of his staffin 1953, McCarthy's sexuality was the subject of innuendo during his life. McCarthy's public humiliation and censure in 1954 (which involved his closeted gay aide Roy Cohn's mendacity and audacity in spending public funds) ended his role. But the anti -gay policies of the McCarthy era, along with their inevitable psychological effects on the fragile gay and lesbian com munity ofthe time, long outlived the public career of the their founder.

The McCarthy fra saw a wides:pread :push to roOl out gays

and lesbians from government service.

David Bianco's e-mail isAriBianco@aol.com.

12 5 9A

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_by Daniel Smith

OR MANY, THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS A

difficult time to stay faithful to an exer cise routine - there seem to be too many parties, too much food, and too little time to worry about working out. It is not, however, in your best interest to completely forsake your workouts during these few weeks with the intention of getting back into it after New Year's. A better plan is to anticipate and accept your limited time (and energy) and to change your routine accordingly. Cut back the work outs rather than cutting them out. Ifyou're normally in the gym five days a week, plan on three. Ifyour workouts generally last over an hour, cut back to 45 minutes. Perhaps switch to exercises that you find a little easier. If, for example, you've been doing the Stairmaster for cardio, you could switch to the recum bent bike at this time. Or, ifyou've been lift ing heavy, switch to lighter weights and higher reps. These are still good routines, but you may find them a little less intense, and therefore easier to complete during this hec ' tic time ofyear. And while you're out holiday shopping (which, ofcourse, is the true meaning of the holiday season), don't forget that traditional Venetian carol (that'sVenice Beach - not Venice, Italy), "The Twelve Reps ofChristmas." On the first day ofChristmas my training partner gave to me, a lifting belt made by Valeo. On the second day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, two lifting gloves. On the third day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, three Bob Paris fitness books. On the fourth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, four Powerbars.

• • •

SPORTS

On the fifth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, five personal training sessions. On the sixth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, six Hotskins shorts. On the seventh day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, seven Carbo Forces. On the eighth day of Christmas my training partner gave tome, eight sport mas sages. On the ninth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, nine workout tanks.

Here's a traditional Venetian fitness carol to sing while making your holiday rounds.

On the tenth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, ten packets ofMet-Rx.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my train ing partner gave to me, eleven pairs of sport socks. On the twelfth day of Christmas my training partner gave to me, twelve issues of Ironman. Merry Christmas, Happy Chan ukah, Joyous Kwanzaa - and don't forget to exercise!

125 . .

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INTERVIEW BY RANDY SHULMAN ILLUSTRATION BY PAUL MYATT

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He speaks in exclamation points, his voice suddenly rising, then falling. And in an interview situation, Phil Donahue dominates - it's often impossible to get a word in edgewise -because he is the undisputed master of the craft. For 29 years, Donahue - the progenitor of dozens of daytime talk shows - was part of our daily lives. His show provoked us, outraged us, entertained us. Andfor 29 years, Donahue, microphone firmly in hand, chugged like an unstoppable, exuberant freight train through tunnel after tunnel. From social and political issues to interviews with celebrities, no topic was left unexplored. But Donahue was hardly highfalutin - he wasn't opposed to whipping a female audience into a frenzy with a stage full ofhunky male strippers. o gays and lesbians, however, Phil Donahue is a hero. An outspoken champion of our cause. his was among the first television shows to feature an openly gay man, to address AIDS, to explore gay bashing, and to deal.vith homosexuali ty in organized religion. He remains an opponent of homophobia and an advocate for gay mar riage (''I'm for it!") - a miracle, considering his staunch Catholic upbringing in conserv ative Cleveland, Ohio. At 60, Donahue is retired (''I'm enjoying my leisure - it's the first season I haven't had to put on a shirt and tie") and he and his equally celebrated wife, Marlo Thomas, spend most of their time on their boat, "tootin' around Maine, the Vineyard, . Nantucket." But every so often, the white mane emerges. And next Tuesday, December 10. GLMD will honor the Emmy Award-winner with a benefit cocktail recep tion at the National Press Club. As you'll see in the spirited conversa tion that follows, they couldn't have chosen a better man.

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METRO WEEKLY: You were consistently sym pathetic to gay issues on your show. Do you remember your first gay-related pro gram? PHIL DONAHUE: We put our first gay guy on in 1968-Clark Pollack, who was with the Mattachine Society. To have a real, live homosexual on the air in 1968 was quite a thunderclap for Dayton, Ohio - almost nobody was out back then.'And I went through all the anxieties that any West Cleveland Catholic kid would: "Gee, peo ple will think I'm gay." In fact, the fourth caller asked the guy. "So, how's Phil look to you?" I mean, I was filled with anxiety. But sitting across the table from a gay guy in 1968 who was out and talked about civil liberties. and the rights of people, and that this is nota moral issue, and the Constitution covers all of us, and that what I do in the privacy of my own home is none of your business - well, it started waking me up. It was an experience I wouldn't have had if I had chosen a career at Sears. I just happened to be blessed with a television program that benefitted from featuring these kinds of issues: per sonal, sexual, mysterious. It was a fabu

lous time of awakening and exploration and understanding for me. And then I began to examine the church - how organized religion has, through the years, legitimized homopho bia. Now, I was raised Catholic, I'm a grad uate of Notre Dame, so it takes less courage for me to criticize the church than it would for a non-Catholic or a Jew. But I saw a church that disallowed the use of condoms in the age ofAIDS - and that's indefensible! That's a sin! And this church, which has its own very large clos et, would bring the full moral force ofThe Vatican down on the gay community? And tell them essentially to sit down and shut up and be celibate? Come on! I realized that the church was still preaching from a morality that was shaped by a bunch of old guys sitting on hard wooden benches. And as I met more gay people, I began to appreciate that the gay community was as varied as the so-called straight commu nity. And on the show we got into very specific issues: Being ejected from an apartment. Losing ajob. Gay bashing was an especially riveting and painful topic. METRO: Clearly, you were one of the enlight ened talk show hosts. But you could have easily remained close-minded, like Rush Limbaugh. PHIL: Well, over the years, I was appalled by what I saw as the humiliating abuse of countless numbers of persons because they were gay. I came to the conclusion early on that sexual status, as John Money calls sexuality, is not a moral issue. First of all, nobody wakes up at age 13 and says "Gee, you know what? I think I'll drive dad crazy-I think I'll be gay." Nobody wakes up at age 13 and says, "You know what? I think I'H like girls."

But most of all, I realized there were a lot of people really leading lives of secret desperation because of the homophobic world. And I began to appreciate what the closet meant. I think there's another closet out there, and it's occupied by straight people who believe that discrimination against gay people is absolutely un-American. But they're not altogether moved to make the preachment in public. And that's too bad. I ""ish they would, and they will. But I think it's wrong to assume that the majority of Americans promote the idea that some how gay people should be provided only someofthe rights of the Constitution. METRO: What can we do to encourage those straight people to open their so-called closet doors? PHIL: They have to be confronted \,vith the horror of gay bashing, and the fact that it's on the increase. The legacy of homo phobia lives at the University of Notre Dame - my a1mer mater - whose administration \'fill not provide a room for its gay students to meet in. Imagine. In 1996. Nobody at Notre Dame wants any body to be beaten up or murdered because ofsexual status. But the establish ment at Notre Dame has a responsibiJity to understand that however much they may condemn this kind of heinous behav ior, their failure to provide a place for these young people to meet makes a contribu tion to the hateful atmosphere that pro duces the kind of personality that's capable of gay bashing. You've got to see the connec tion. Just as you've got to see the connection betvveen racism and

"We had agay kiss that NBC wanted to take out of the 25th Anniversary special. And I[fonghtl. Isaved the kiss and it cost the network $800,000." 12

596Mlii;iliSUUcG

"Nobody wakes up at age 13 and says 'Gee, you know what~ 1think I'll drive dad crazy -I think I'll be gay.'" lynching. And once you see the connection between institutional religion's hostility to gay people and its followers' behavior toward those same peo ple, I think [straight people will] change. METRO: Yours was one of the very first televi sion shows to tackle AIDS. PHIL: Well, back in 1982, we were pretty much the only hour-long daytime show of this format. And we were proud of the fact that we did lots of things nobody else was doing. We knew people weren't going to watch us if we talked about covered dishes and needlepoint. We were proud to be aggressive and controversial. We had done a lot of health issues. So when this thing called AIDS came along and gay guys were showing up in emergency rooms and nobody really knew why, Gail Steinberg - she's now executive produc er of Rikki Lake's show - was wise enough to put together a show on it. METRO: So often on your show, you would bring on hatemongers to confront the gay guests, to achieve a so-called balance. PHIL: Well, you know, that was always a problem. Gloria Steinem wanted to know why we always had to have Phyllis Schlafly whenever we had feminists on? She wanted to know if we had white supremacists every time we had a black person on talking about equality under the law. The same question might be asked regarding gayness. We didn't feel if somebody said the world was round we had to go out and find somebody who would say it's flat. We didn't think every time you had a Democrat on, you had to have a Republican on, too. But we felt we had a

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responsibility to have our platform avail able to all sides of the so-called contro versial issues. METRO: Were the more controversial issues ever a problem? PHIL: The ratings solved a lot of problems and in those days, we were so hot and so successful, we were a little bit like the gorilla in that we could sit wherever we wanted to, and could do things that other programs were hesitant to do. We were bringing in a lot of money. It's amazing how many problems that solves. But it was also our naughtiness that made us successful. Remember this: We were never the BBe. We were very naughty. We televised an abortion. Televised it! In 1973. That is a show that would not get on the air today. METRO: It's amazing you could get it on even back then. PHIL: Well, we put it together before [the management and affiliatesl realized what the hell we were doing. In any case, gay ness was a great issue for us. People watched it. If people didn't, I wouldn't have done it. I didn't want to be a dead hero. I happen to be very concerned about Northern Ireland, but I knew damn well that wasn't gonna draw a crowd. . Gayness fascinated our audience. Fascinated them. It was mysterious. "Two guys! Holy cow! Can you believe?" I was born in 1935, I came of age in the '50s and we didn't talk about gayness out loud. We didn't talk about racism out loud. But suddenly here's this guy on televi sion - and incidentally I had no band and no desk, no couch, no coast to coast audience, no power, '!'e were in Dayton, Ohio, we had absolutely no power at all and we had no place to go but up. Nothing to lose. it's true: freedom is another word

for nothin' left to lose. We had freedom. And a liberal general manager who would wince, but who never came runnin' down the hall shouting "WHAT AREYOU DOING?!" We criticized sponsors. We criti cized automobile dealers. Sponsors can celled us. Sponsors wrote letters, "I will NOTsponsor any program that tears down America." Back then, because we were so small, because we were so visually dull, because we were from Dayton, Ohio, we hadto make noise, we had to be differ ent! So we televised the birth of a baby. We featured a homosexual. We were one of the first programs to talk about sexual transgressions by priests, taking full fury from the established church at the time. But when the ratings came in on our first period, they were staggering. Nobody had seen anything like it. METRO: Your show sired a new breed ofjour na istic T.v. that critics dubbed sensational. PHIL: What's sensational? Sensational is a word we use to describe a program that speaks in an editorial way to an issue but in an editorial way that we disagree with. The Vietnam War was sensational! Jane Fonda was sensational! The words being used today - tabloid, sleaze - these are words that terrify main stream media. They don't want to be called that. They're afraid of being called names because their success depends on being popular. But you can't survive in this busi ness ifyou're not popular. We have a media pretty much controlled by a handful of multi-national companies that are much more concerned with selling merchandise than they are with sticking their nose under the tent and being criticized for tabloidism. Timemagazine does a cover on Twisterto promote the Time-Warner

movie. I think journalism has some major questions that should be answered and they don't involve daytime television. Incidentally, I don't condemn the edi tors of the magazine for doing this. I'm not mad because Time and Newsweek are beginning to look like People magazine. And the reason I'm not mad is because I did the same thing to draw a crowd to the Donahueshow. We brought male strippers to daytime T.v. And we did it because there's no sense talking if no one listens. METRO: What you're saying is that the audi ence is who's culpable here. PHIL: Yes. We need to look no further than the mirror. Our critics are demanding a BBC media, but we live in an MTV cul ture. We are a culture in decay. We do not have'any interest with anything beyond our shores. I was in Moscow in 1987, sur rounded by Muscovites, and I said, "Where would you like to go if you could come to the United States. Hands flew up. And a woman stood up and she said, "Oxford, Mississippi." I asked why. And she said, "Because that is the home of your great author William Faulkner." And I wondered how many Americans even knew that. METRO: How do we fix the problem? PHIL: Create a better school system. You can't graduate kids today from high school who don't know what 8 times 7 is and expect them to watch the Discovery Channel all day long. But we have a [gov ernmentl that has turned its back on the school system. Our own gov ernment commission has called it a security risk. Corporate America has turned

"There's another closet out there, and it's occupied by stra.ight people who believe that discrimination against gay people is absolutely un..American." 12 I I "

Miill'Ii."''€!

its back on the school system. We are near the bottom of the list of developed coun tries in terms of math and sciences. We still have the Christians telling us that Charles Darwin didn't know what he was talking about! And ifyou don't get Darwin, you can't fix AIDS! If you think the human'animal is somehow outside of this magnificent tree of life, that we're somehow separate, you are doomed to failure! More than that, you'll never be inspired to a life of science. And the rea son we've, got all these problems is because of daytime talk shows? Sit down! Take your blinders off. That's my counsel. METRO: Speaking of criticisms, do you have any thoughts on the JennyJones talk show murder? PHIL: What if a white guy walked in and dis covered that his secret admirer was a black woman? And he's a racist-comes from a

The problem is that it's not easy to defend a show that obviously did some manipulation in order to create the excitement that's needed to compete in the daytime schedule. But to suggest that somehow [the JennyJones show]' should have known that this guy would do this is absurd. His act had all the marks of mur der one. And he didn't get it. Because we hate daytime television. But daytime television may also be your last best hope when the cops arrest your sister. And amid all the male strip pers and all the sleaze as it's called, there's a lot of information in the daytime. There's people getting off drugs. There's women who get out of abu sive marriages. I've had people come up to me at airports who have said "Thank you for your

"We are aculture in decay. We do not have any interest

with anything beyond our shores." racist family - and he walks in and every body screams and she gets up and hugs him and you can see his discomfort. And he goes back to his small town and every bodysmaking fun of him. And two weeks later he goes into a trailer and from four feet away fires two shotgun blasts into her chest. Would we blame Jenny Jones for this? To suggest that they should have known that this guy was gonna kill the gay guy two weeks later is absurd. It was homophobia that caused this murder. METRO: Do you think the producers went too far in even creating the situation? PHIL: Went too far? Let me grant to you: Suppose they did. Therefore whaf? Does the New York Times check all the people it interviews for a story to ensure stability so that the person won't get grandiose because he's gonna be in the Times and do something awful as a result? C'mon.

show, I came out to my

parents because of you."

What's bad about this?

METRO: Well, what is bad about it? PHIL: Nothing. These programs are kaboom!- going right at it! Forbidden! Taboo! Sleaze! Holy cow I hope my par ents don't know about this! Like so much of sexuality. Naughty! Shouldn't! Don't talk! Don't stare! And speaking to the curiosities in the furthest corners of our minds and our souls. And it enter tains people. But obviously as we've seen from this trial in Michigan -we have a number of production teams that are much too aggressive in preparing the guests for air. "Your job is to get the laugh, get the scream, get the reaction, say the 'holy shit' thing so that we have a good seg ment here." And in the process, if you're a

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young guest who's been flown in from Michigan and you're out of work, 24 years-old, and you get a free trip to New York, free hotel and room service, a big black car picks you up and takes you to the studio, you're vulnerable. You're gonna be told to say certain things, you're gonna be coached to the point where sometimes you're losing truth, and you're thriving on exaggeration. So you have guests who want to please rather than tell the truth. The result is almost a near scripted event light years away from the original concept ofthe talk show. One of the things I'm most proud of is that [Donahuej brought democracy to television. That people in the audience actually could stand up and use the airwaves that belonged to them was a

PHIL: Well, to begin, let's understand what's happening: The [networks] are doing what [ did. That's a ratings booster. We wanna know what's gonna happen to Ellen! [fwe allow the marketplace to work, we'll stamp out homophobia. We had a gay kiss on our show that NBC wanted to take out of the 25th Anniversary special. And I got into it. I said, "Cmon, we've solved these problems. We fought these battles in the early '70s." [ saved the kiss and it cost the network $800,000. That's how many sponsors they claim they lost. I wish we hadn't lost the revenue. But [feel very proud of the victory. METRO: Final question. Did you enjoy doing the male stripper shows? PHIL: Oh, yeah. I enjoyed it more after I saw the reaction. When [ saw four hundred women in the audience absolutely con

"I've had people come up to me at airports who have said 'Thank you for your show, Icame Ollt to my parents because ofyou.'" very radical idea in 1967. People who were dis missed by mainstream papers and journalistic venues found a place to send up a flare regarding what was happening to them. They found a platform in the daytime. And I'm very proud of that, very proud. METRO: GLAAD is honoring you next week. What are your thoughts on the organization? PHIL: They do a fabulous job of blowing the whistle on limp-wristed stereotypes - a wonderful job. I mean, they pounce! And they also do a helluva job of highlighting entertainment material and creative scripts that celebrate gayness. METRO: GLAAD does offer a lot of positive reinforcement, which I think is why there are so many gay and lesbians portrayed on TV right now, especially in sitcoms.

vulse in laughter and delight, I just could n't believe it. Your grandmother was in the audience, your wife, and your baby sister, and they had a ball! One guy set fire to his jockstrap at the end ofthe show and the roof fell in. I have never seen any thing like it. I got paid to draw a crowd, and I earned my money that day. It was fabulous. METRO: I wonder what it would have been like if you had a whole audience filled with gay men? PHIL: [Laughs.] Oh, gee. I never thought of that. That's out there even beyond my imagination. IIIEJ GLAAD (the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) will honor Phil Donahue with a cocktail reception at the National Press Club Ballroom, Tuesday, December 1O,from 6:30 to 8:30 p. m. Tickets are $100 and may be purchased by calling (202) 884-7346.

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sensitive... resonating with intelligence and charm... the unvarnished chronicle of a gay black man's struggle to survive." That glow ing stick of plutonium -strength praise comes from the Washington Post, and they're not that easy to please (unless you're on your knees). Anyway, the'subject of that praise is Michael Develle Winn and his uni versal y acclaimed one-man show Metamorphoses, back by popular demand. Randye Mooglair (portrayed byWinn) takes the audience on a journey through his life, his pains plea sures and triumphs, and exam ines the African -American community's view of itself - its diversity, social mores, fears, and phobias. Metamorphoses \<Vill only play five performances, December 6th, 7th, 8th, 14th, and 15th, all starting at 8 p.m. in the Market Five Gallery at Eastern Market (7th and North Carolina Avenue, SE). Tickets are $15. Call (202) 546-1918. Time for a drag pageant wvith

a t\<Vist - as if they weren't twisted enough already. This one is a Drag King Dance & Competition. On Friday the 13th, the DC Lesbian Avengers invite all interested ladies and escorted men to shine up your wing tips, press your favorite suit, put a double windsor in your favorite cravatte, tape down your tits and stuffyer drawers. Doors open at 9 p.m. \<Vith a DJ spinning all night. At 1] p.m. top notch Drag Kings will compete with their own butch acts for a panel of high femme judges. Prizes for best butch drag range from hot leather sex toys to vegetarian dinners, reflecting the diversity of the les

bian community. In addition to having a swank butch time, your $5 to $10 cover con tribution will help raise money for the Lesbian Avengers, "a non -violent direct action group focllssed on issues vital to les bian visibility and survival." (They meet every thursday at the Pop Stop at 7 p.m.). So strap 'em down, grease up that pompadour, and git down to the Hung Jury (wheel-chair accessible and open to all ages), at 1819 H Street NW. Call (301) 779-1740. In case you haven·t

seen the swank posters and ads all over town, the Gay Men's Chorus ofWashington, DC will hold their holiday concert this Saturday, December 7th, at 8 p.m. and Sunday, December 8th, at 3 p.m. at the Lincoln Theater, 13th and U Streets NW. GMCW Music Director James Holloway has planned a con cert centered around three intriguing types of stories: traditional tales

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old and adorable." The Arts Club of "Washington that is - and they're throwing an opening reception - this Sunday, December 8th, from 4 to 6 p.m. - for two current exhibitions, one by the Delta Sigma Theta Sorority and the other by Gladys Kazgian's Painting Workshop. The Arts Club is at 2017 I Street NW; (202) 331-7282. And remember, where there is art, there must be \<Vine and cheese. -TODD FRANSON

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turned out wife of a fellow map-maker. Passionate and reck less, their trysts push the two of them ever closer to disaster. When the war sweeps in, it's as if their des tinies had commanded it. Although basically a love story - anum berof love stories, actually - The English Patient is also an engrossing mystery (not to mention exotic travelogue), in which Minghella withholds key details about Almasy's and Clifton's affair until the very end. Over the course of the film's two-and half-hours, the director overlays upon this relationship the burgeoning love between Hana and Kip, while folding in Willem Dafoe's character to harrowing effect. What endures in memory, however, are a succession ofrapturously beautiful and exotic images: British colonials celebrating Christmas in Cairo; the wreckage of war and the beauty ofthe Tuscan countryside in contrast to the dramatic contours of the Sahara. No other film this year combines acting of this caliber with a production and cinematography as accomplished and sweeping as offered by The English Patient. It's a rich and dazzling work. -TIMALEVIZOS

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Three dogged nights

HREE NIGHTS IN TEHRAN, JOHN STRAND'S

new historical comedy, is about as enjoyable as... well, three nights in Tehran might be. And with any luck, you'll never have to suffer through either. The Signature Theatre, known for its deft interpretation of modern musicals, falls flat on its face of comedy in this unfunny, uninspired, and poorly executed play. Three Nights is based on the events that transpired 1986, when Oliver North and a cadre ofAmerican offi dais paid a secret visit to Iran hoping to strike a deal for the release of American hostages. It was truly a frightening time in our history, when men who believed they were above the law took it upon themselves to master mind foreign policy through bribes, diversion of funds, and illegal arms deals. Apparently, Strand decided that this tragic episode was not only wor thy of a play, but that it was also excellent fodder for a slap-happy comedy a la Three's Company. And much of what passes for humor in Three Nights-like that cheesy '70s T.Y. sitcom -is based on mistaken identity. Thus, we are expe;::ted to buy that the Americans would be stupid enough to confuse the hotel's housekeepers with high ranking Iranian officials and vice-versa. The remaining jokes are scatological in nature, specifically related to a backed-up toilet and an Israeli with a bad case of flatulence. The lower-than-Iowbrow humor is over acted by a cast that ranges from annoying to downright insufferable. At the annoying end

is Hugh Nees as blobby, food-obsessed bureaucrat George Cave and Sarah Marshall as Daemon, a fairy-like apparition visible only to North. Both Nees and Marshall are very one-note, either due to poorly con .ceived roles or simply because they are as bored as the audience. But the straw that breaks the camel's back is Bill Mondy's hyperventilating Oliver North. The real North is known to speak and act with remarkable calm and resolve, but Mondy seems to take his cues from an entirely dif ferent figure (John Ritter, perhaps?). He literally bounces off the walls as he shouts and over-gesticu lates the simplest of lines. One has to wonder why director Kyle Donnelly allowed Mondy to get away with such a ham fisted performancre. (It is also disturbing that a monster like Oliver North is portrayed as a mere fooL) One standout in this sea of irritation is Lawrence Redmond, a bril liant character actor who plays an Iranian arms dealer and whose performance results in the show's only good laughs. Still, even Redmond's impeccable comic timing can't save this dog. The bland set, designed by Lou Stancari, is notable only for its durability: The four doors on stage are slammed repeatedly throughout the play, and the set (unfortu nately) never collapses on the actors. -EOCOWEN

Through December 22 at the Signature Theatre inArlingLDn. Tickets are $19 and $22. Call (703) 218-6500.

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ISurWvillg the season

NTIL THIS THANKSGIVING, I'D NEVER

taken home a boyfriend to meet my family- at least officially. Back when I was in college, I brought home a friend who was more than a friend, and my family remained blissfully ignorant of the true nature of the relationship. Of course, we broke up soon thereafter, making it all the more difficult over the next four years to answer the inces sant question: "He was so nice, when is he coming back for another visit?" Granny, if you only knew. This time, however, was different. By; choosing to come out to one of my cousins, who conveniently served as the biggest family gossip, I had announced my queer ness to every Bugg within the continental United States, with the exception of my grandfather. Being nearly deaf, he was left to figure it out on his own. "Sean's kind ofstrange," he told my sister, in one of my favorite understatements of the year. "I guess he doesn't like girls very much." Even though everyone finally had confir mation of my "strangeness," that doesn't mean that everyone liked it. I've gotten a couple ofletters from Granny on the subject and have dubbed them "The Devil Letters." So you can see why I was a bit nervous bringing home a boyfriend to set down for dinner with my extended family in the pres ence of a carving knife and other utensils. Hell, I get nervous just crossing the District line into Virginia. But I learned two impor tant lessons on this trip home, which I think may benefit anyone out there preparing to take the same familial leap. Lesson #1: Don't underestimate your family. Expecting the worst, I found myself in shock when southern hospitality out weighed religious objections to queers. When my boyfriend made an offhand com ment about how much he liked the raw

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turnips, Granny took mere seconds to peel and slice a new turnip just for him. Given Granny's propensity for cornering people for one-on-one discussions offaith, I kept a close eye on her and my boyfriend the whole day. At one point I spotted her alone with him by his car. Fearing the worst, I rushed over to save him. Much to my chagrin, it turned out they were bonding over dri ving tips. While I was touched by Granny's accep tance ofhis pres ence, I can only hope he doesn't actually imple ment any of her tips. [Granny's rule for backing up: Place car in reverse and press accelera tor. Repeat process until all cars have been cleared from path.] Lesson #2: Don't overestimate your family. If you plan to bring a partner home for the first time, you absolutely must do one of two things - either work out the sleeping arrangements before you ever leave your own house or make hotel reservations. If you find separate bedrooms (as I did), don't bother raising a fuss. You don't want to piss off your parents at the start of the Christmas shopping season. Haven't you ever noticed that couples tend to get better gifts than singles? Happy pragmatic holidays!

By coming out to my loudmouthed cousin, I'd announced my Queerness to every Bugg in the U.S.

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