The Miami Hurricane: April 1, 2022

The Newspaper UM commits to net-zero parking by 2025 NEWS // Page 3

Nude beach to open on Lake Osceola A&E // Page 5

UM grants Drake’s request after he files for bankruptcy, needs scholarship money back from student granted during “God’s Plan” video A camera operator stands behind Canadian rapper, singer, songwriter and actor Drake in 2017 as he films his music video for “God’s Plan.” Drake granted a UM student a scholarship worth $50,000 that he now needs back.

Hunter Crenian // File photo

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THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

APRIL 1, 2022

News UM joins modern age with announcement of Meta partnership, study abroad program

BY PARKER GIMBEL MANAGING EDITOR

Amidst record-breaking enrollment totals and a massive housing shortage, the University of Miami has announced a partnership with Mark Zuckerberg and Meta Inc. that stands to revolutionize university life forever.

Administrators, however, will have to overcome one major obstacle: convincing the class of 2023 to make history as the first university enrollees to live and study entirely within the complex network of 3D worlds widely known as the Metaverse.

“The university is committed to providing its students with stateof-the-art facilities and professors at the top of their fields,” said Executive Vice Dean in Support of Student Wellbeing and Campus Facilities for the Department of Coordination and Coercion Herb Burt.

“What difference does it make if those facilities and professors are really

a visual manifestation of thousands of lines of C++?” he continued.

Burt’s statement came in response to complaints from students hesitant to support the initiative and the 5,000 feeding tubes, housing pods, 2,000 pounds of medical-grade lubricating jelly and cutting-edge metaverse technology necessary to turn the dream into a reality.

“Sounds f***ing wack bro,” said Austin Tinsley, a sophomore marketing major with a minor in public relations.

After signing a waiver of individual rights, participating students will be bussed to an underground facility dubbed “The Honeycombs.”

“It’s a combination of cata-combs, because it’s underground of course, and honey, because the students will be submerged in an amber-colored goo for the duration of their stay,” said Dorothy Adams, Zuckerberg’s chief public relations consultant on the project.

Students will then enter the transfer portal, where they will trade their board shorts and sundresses for air-tight elastic undergarments after

a thorough wash in their respective sanitation station.

After that, students whose parents elected to pay the extra $500 for a personalized video message will see their loved ones for the last time until their December emergence.

The program, however, is not without its drawbacks.

A semester-long stay in a UPod, the metallic, egg-shaped chambers in which students will be submerged for over 90 days, comes with a host of side effects, including but not limited to hair loss, dental decay, muscular atrophy and weight loss.

“The weight loss is just an added bonus; It’s like Adderall,” Zuckerberg said, explaining that he and his company did not foresee that months of inactivity would lead to an average of 60 pounds of weight loss among enrollees.

After concluding their finals and saying goodbye to their friends, figments of digital interactive networks who lack the ability to empathize and interact by reproducing the qualities their human most desires, students will be welcomed back to earthly society.

“Resurfacing Day is a time for loved ones to see their children again, hug their children again and begin the long road to physical rehabilitation before the start of the spring semester,” said Executive Vice President for Student Affairs and University Provost Jeffrey L. Duerk.

Students electing to remain in a terrestrial education program will pay an increased tuition fee due to profits lost from decreased restaurant sales and tuition fees for Meta’s freshman class.

University spokesperson Adam Madagascar says the changes in tuition

to begin trading in their Cane Cards in the coming weeks.

This fall, incoming freshmen will also be given fake IDs that will not only grant them access to the necessary buildings on campus, but will also scan and get them into Miami’s hottest nightclubs.

“Since I’m from a small town, fake IDs just weren’t a thing, so I’ve kind of felt behind the curve here,” said Ida Fentication, a freshman rocket science major. “The fact that I’ll now be able to get a good one on campus is really helpful.”

In the email’s final remarks, the administration seemed hopeful for

this new era of campus security and technology.

“We have listened to the students and their needs and know that this is a

will offer more kids the opportunity to attend a top-ranked, four-year university.

“The Metaverse will expand our capacity ten-fold, allowing us to lower tuition rates by close to 70%,” Madagascar said. “And students with enough money to pay for physical interaction will still be welcome to do so.”

Senior YouTube-creation major Hilda Derby, however, says she’s happy she won’t be here to see the program’s inaugural class embark on their interconnective metaphysical journey.

iStock

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg participates in a conference about web technologies during the French G8 in the north of France.

Students required to obtain fake identification card

BY EMMA DOMINGUEZ ASST. CITY NEWS EDITOR

According to an email sent jointly late Thursday night by the University of Miami Information and Technology Services and Canes Central, UM students will now be required to use a fake ID in lieu of a Cane Card to gain access to all campus buildings.

“We all know that many students use fake IDs in many spots around Miami, so we figured why not streamline things for them here on campus,” said Julia Frank, the chief information officer, in the email. “Of course we don’t expect things to change overnight, but we are confident that students will become acclimated to this new normal.”

In order to assist students in making the switch, Canes Central will be making fake IDs starting Monday, April 4 with the exchange of their old Cane Cards. Additionally, students who are already in possession of a fake ID will be able to get them programmed by Canes Central at this time.

“I think it’s really great that they’re making this switch,” said Chad Chazowski, a sophomore majoring in gender studies. “I already use my fake everywhere, so it’ll be so nice to have it on campus too.”

This new policy will be firmly implemented beginning in the fall of 2022, but current students are expected

change that will make us a better U,” said Frank.

Emma Dominguez // Contributing photographer

A student uses their newly issued fake ID to swipe into the Cox Science Building on campus.

University commits to net-zero parking by 2025 THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

BY RACHEL SULLIVAN CAMPUS NEWS EDITOR

The University of Miami announced on Tuesday that they will be joining MiamiDade county and numerous other major cities across the country in committing to net zero-parking by 2025.

“We are pledging to achieve net-zero parking for our community and for all of our futures,” read a memo sent to the UM community on Tuesday.

“The science clearly shows that in order to avert the worst impacts of New Jersey drivers and Pavia Garage car fires we must act now. And act we will.”

The university outlined a “three pronged plan of action” to reach their goal by 2025: access, alternate transport and avoidance.

The first of these prongs, access, aims to limit car access to the Coral Gables and Rasimus campuses. Beginning

May 2022, the university plans to invest over $5,000 and ten meal swipes a week to place construction signs, arbitrary cones and poorly placed caution tape around parking lots on campus. In doing so, the university hopes to confuse commuters and encourage them to walk to campus instead of drive.

“I think their strategy is bulletproof,” said Tray Ficone, a freshman studying urban planning at UM. “I’m a pedestrian and confused by UM’s construction signage, I can’t even imagine being in a car. It really is brilliant.”

By 2023, the university hopes to have transitioned 72% of all parking lot area into actual construction sites that will sit dormant for decades.

Some critics say the university’s second prong, alternate transport, could be the biggest hurdle UM faces in their race to net-zero. In

APRIL 1, 2022

this prong, the university has pledged to provide every oncampus and commuter student with a pair of baggy cargo pants and a skateboard.

“I think it is super dope that UM is encouraging other students to explore my art,” said OllieFlip, a sophomore at UM studying skateboarding.

To further encourage students to skate to and from campus, the university has also established the first chapter of Pi Alpha Why, a skateboarding honors society founded by the group of kids who do tricks in the University Complex between 7:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. every evening.

In their final efforts to achieve net-zero parking, the university will strengthen their third and final prong, avoidance. Beginning in the fall of 2024, UM plans to introduce a “suggestions box” to Canelink that will give students and faculty a platform upon which

to express concerns about the total lack of parking spaces to showcase yet another Jeep Wrangler on campus.

This link will be buried under an arbitrary tab on Canelink and lead to a page of Sebastian the ibis holding a sign that reads “pardon our progress.”

studying mortuary sciences.

“The other day I went to make a bowl of cereal and there wasn’t any left. My suite mate swears it wasn’t her, so that really only leaves paranormal activity.”

Some students have reported “ghost-like figures” waiting for the elevator.

“The other day I got on the elevator and all the buttons were lit,” said Carl Carleson, a senior studying escalator sciences.

Carleson said that he could hear the groans of the ghosts around him, equally as agitated as he was by the unacceptably slow pace of the elevator.

These paranormal encounters have left the Office of Housing & Residential Life no other choice than to demolish the recently opened Lakeside Village.

However, amidst an already crippling on-campus housing shortage, some fear the action to demolish Lakeside will only worsen the situation.

“Less housing means more ghosts, right,” Booker said. “I can’t afford more cereal. Do you have any idea how much cereal at WholeFoods is going for these days? The ghosts clearly don’t care, but I do.”

An unprecedented number of sheets have been reported missing from Lakeside laundry rooms. Some students say that they fear it is only time before the ghosts show themselves to the UM community and demand a place to live this fall.

Sources say that HRL staff has been working remotely to avoid the wrath of these tortured souls. Meanwhile, residential

NEWS

“It is imperative that we, the University of Miami community, come together to form a coalition with the firm purpose of achieving our goal,” read the university’s memo.

“We are one U without parking.”

Alex Carnochan // Senior staff photographer

The parking lot outside of the Wellness Center is the first parking lot to be closed to cars.

UM plans to demolish haunted Lakeside Village as housing crisis continues

Jared Lennon // Senior staff photographer

Lakeside Village, pictured on Feb. 11, 2022, will be torn down just a few years after it was built.

BY RACHEL SULLIVAN

CAMPUS NEWS EDITOR Countless University of Miami students have been lost to this year’s housing shortage debacle. Now, sources say that these homeless students are

haunting the halls and affluent study rooms of Lakeside Village.

“Sometimes I feel a chill pass me in the hallway and it’s almost as eerie as logging into the HRL portal,” said Becky Booker, a junior at the University of Miami

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assistants are struggling to brainstorm ice-breakers to keep the peace between earthly and paranormal residents.

RA’s have resorted to offering farmers market hibachi every Wednesday to placate the ghosts.

“I’ve really come to prefer my ghost mate,” said Sandra Bullsick, an RA in Lakeside studying ceramics. “It’s going to be really hard to say goodbye to Lakeside but hibachi is severely overpriced and its not in the HRL budget. I hope the ghosts don’t follow us to wherever we’re going to live next year… that is if we have a place to live.”

THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

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APRIL 1, 2022

KOMODO to be added to UM food court, students thrilled

BY JENNA ROTHENSTEIN

food and drink selections to the sleek treehouse design of the restaurant, KOMODO is ready to welcome a unique dining experience to UM. “We want to make UM feel more like the real Miami.

Grutman has been working extremely hard with our team to ensure that our KOMODO on campus will encapsulate the same excellent food, lively atmosphere, and exclusivity that the original KOMODO possesses” President, Julio Frank said.

UM Dining is excited for this new addition to the University. In order to create hype around KOMODO’s

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

On Friday, March 25th, The University of Miami announced its partnership with David Grutman and KOMODO Restaurant.

The lavish Southeast Asian restaurant is set to replace UM’s current oncampus sports bar, The Rathskeller.

After receiving numerous complaints about a lack of top notch, luxurious food options from students and families, the University has decided to open KOMODO to accommodate these requests.

From the to-die-for

opening next fall, the UM Dining staff plans to advertise heavily on their various social media platforms.

KOMODO and UM Dining plan to advertise ten 24 karat gold chopsticks that will be gifted to the first 10 customers of KOMODO. These chopsticks are estimated to sell for around $2,000 on eBay. Additionally, Groot Hospitality plans to release applications to become a KOMODO ambassador.

“KOMODO ambassadors must demonstrate and provide information about KOMODO’s opening on UM’s

campus, distribute flyers and brochures, promote KOMODO on social media (Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Snapchat,

Facebook, etc.), and answer any consumer questions or concerns” Dave Grutman said.

Jared Lennon // Senior staff photographer

The new KOMODO restaurant in the UM food court is sure to be a favorite among UM students.

Arts & Entertainment

UM grants Drake’s request after he files for bankruptcy, needs scholarship money back from student granted during “God’s Plan”

Hunter Crenian // File photo

International superstar Drake pictured at UM in 2017 filiming his “God’s Plan” music video.

BY LAYOMI ADEOJO ASST. A&E EDITOR

Though he sang, “When I die, put my money in the grave,” it seems Drake will be buried in an empty tomb after all.

Earlier this week, the global music sensation filed for bankruptcy after suffering a series of financial losses.

Back in February 2018, when the rapper visited campus to film his “God’s Plan” music video, he donated $50,000 to UM alum Desirée Jones

and an additional $10,000 to the Frost School of Music. Now, he’s asking the school to return the entire donation.

Though UM administration declined to comment on the decision to refund Drake, news outlets report that the university plans to refund the $10,000, but cannot do anything about the scholarship money given to Jones.

Jones, who received her PhD from the University of Southern California and now works as a mental health counselor, said she has no plans to return the $50,000.

“That money been gone,” she said.

“I never thought in my wildest dreams that he’d ask for it back.”

Despite being unable to return the favor, Jones is still grateful for the rapper’s donation.

“If Drake reads this, I just wanna thank him for the scholarship because it truly did change my life. Still, it’s crazy that people really can go from riches to rags that fast. Not me though,

I stay getting paid. But I do wish him the best of luck.”

With an estimated net worth of nearly two million dollars, fans are confused about how the “Money to Blow” singer went from wealth to poverty so quickly.

“I just don’t get it,” said Eric Flannery, a sophomore studying exercise physiology and sports administration. “This [is] the guy handing out checks to people left and right, driving a Rolls and now he’s broke? That’s tough.”

While the star himself has not commented on the situation, sources close to Drake say the bankruptcy came after years of excessive spending, unpaid child support and taxes owed to the IRS. “It’s like, okay, I get he needs the money, but taking back what he gave to someone is just wrong,” said Addison Ashburn, a freshman economics major.

“I admit that I liked him before, but

this makes me question if I will listen to his music anymore.”

With this latest revelation, fans across the world are wondering whether the star will ever bounce back, with many doubtful he will.

“This is the guy y’all calling 6 God? He probably got $6 left in his bank account,” one Twitter user said.

“Facts,” another Twitter commenter said.

“Y’all @ champagnepapi don’t even have enough money for champagne.”

“That bar on ‘Blessings’ really did not age well,” one Instagram user said under one of Drake’s recent posts.

Dallas Westfield, a junior double majoring in music business and graphic design, ultimately feels bad for the rapper.

“He started from the bottom and ended up right back there. It’s a shame,” Westfield said.

THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

APRIL 1, 2022

Half-acre clothing-optional beach to be erected adjacent to Lake Osceola

BY JARROD HOUSEKNECHT A&E EDITOR

Nudists across UM’s campus are celebrating this week, as the Office of Student Affairs announced their latest construction project, a nude beach on the side of cherished Lake Osceola.

Strategically located between Stanford and Hecht Residential Colleges, the nude beach will allow safety and solace to UM’s growing nudist population.

Long gone is the 35-minute drive many students take to Miami’s Haulover Beach, located north of Surfside, although students and faculty state that the location will continue to be popular among the student body.

The school-supported beach, which will span a half-acre of space alongside the lake, will be open to all students, faculty and guests of campus who wish to engage in clothing optional behavior. Partially shaded by trees and shrubs circling the lake in the desired location, the beach will offer a short

recluse for tired students and outdoor enthusiasts.

Students have posted flyers in various locations around campus with the popular slogan #FreeTheNipple in support of the construction.

The plans for the special beach come after weeks of social media protest from the university’s only nudist-centered organization, Nudists for Life, which proudly hosts more than 800 student members spanning various majors and years.

Petitioning for more recognition as a valid organization from the school, the club is citing this project as a major win.

“I’ve been here at the U for four years and I’ve never been able to feel free as myself until this moment,” said Nudists for Life president Amandla Brown, a senior accounting and gender and sexuality studies double major. “Nudists everywhere on

campus finally have the opportunity to be seen, heard, respected and felt.”

Brown continued to gush about the beach through tears of excitement.

“You know, it’s dark having to go through every day fully clothed,” Brown said. “I feel like a part of me is hiding and I can never truly be myself.”

Ashley DeNapoli, a junior undecided business school major, eagerly discussed the Office of Student Affairs nude beach plan.

“There’s nothing I hate more in the world than tan lines,” DeNapoli said. “I already know that my Alpha Delta Pi sisters and I will use the beach daily.”

Dr. Dave Hayman, a professor of human psychology, hailed the university as innovative for the proposed beach.

“A recreational outlet and activity like this at universities is long overdue,” Hayman said. “Nude beaches are psychologically linked to higher

levels of serotonin in the brain, which inherently assists the human body in alleviating stress and depressive symptoms. Essentially, nude beaches boost happiness and stabilize mood.

The beach will be a great outlet for professors too!”

Jacob Styler, a freshman political science major, is just as enthusiastic as

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DeNapoli and Dr. Hayman about the school’s plans for a nude beach.

“I’ll be eagerly awaiting the beach’s erection,” Styler said. “I never thought the view from my twelfthfloor dorm in Stanford Walch could get any better but damn here we are.”

#freethenipple

Pictured is one of the flyers that Nudists for Life have distributed across campus.

Opinion

Student-athletes need to be transported around campus in golf carts

BY PARI WALTER OPINION EDITOR

We all know how much the athletes at UM do for all of us. From the undefeated seasons to the national championships, our sports teams are constantly reminding us not only of the U’s excellence, but also of how much better than Florida State we truly are.

In the wake of the crushing end of a truly remarkable men’s basketball season, we’ve come to see the problem that causes our teams to, so rarely, fall short of glory. It’s not the athletes, the coaching staff or even the marching band we should blame. Instead a finger should only be pointed at the trials and tribulations of day-to-day life as a student at the U. Going to class on the average day can mean a five or even ten minute walk in scorching heat, made even more unbearable by the constant swaths of Non-Athletic Regular Persons (NARP) as known to athletes.

The university has made noble but fruitless attempts in the past to lessen how these burdens weigh on student-athletes. Anyone who has taken a stroll across campus has seen the students in head-to-toe orange and green zipping past them on those electric scooters. It begs the question of how we expect our athletes to operate such heavy machinery on a daily basis and still perform competitively.

A 2021 study conducted by the University of Miami Exercise Physiology department found that walking to class detracts from an individual’s athletic performance by 73%, and these negative effects are only slightly reduced in operating an electric scooter, which cuts that detraction to 47%. In opting for the scooter, athletes also face the prospect of potentially incurring additional emotional costs, such as the guilt of

running over a lizard that may dart across the sidewalk in front of them or the sheer embarrassment of scootering past the farmer’s market during lunch hour on any given Wednesday.

Why are we forcing our athletes to exert such physical and emotional energy doing trivial things such as going to class? Athletes, spectators, and administration alike all understand the truth of the matter- C’s get degrees, but “fair attainment” won’t do on the field, on the courts, or wherever the other sports happen.

With this, we propose a solution to the problem at hand. Instead of athletes wasting energy that could go toward not embarrassing us on cable television, the burden of transporting themselves anywhere off the clock should be taken off their hands entirely.

We have enough golf carts to go around. A U-ber system (we can work on the title) for athletes to summon

Alex Carnochan // Senior staff photographer

UM athletics golf carts sit idle for far too long outside the Schwartz Center on campus. golf carts to carry them across campus to wherever their hearts may desire is completely within their rights as defenders of the U’s good name.

With this program implemented, tackles could worry about tackling, pitchers could worry about pitching and the men’s basketball team could worry about not getting too overwhelmed

by bright lights, loud noises or any sudden movements.

We can’t continue to blame losses on only the athletes- we all play a part. It’s not what the U can do for you, but what you can do for the U. Be a Cane. Support the U-ber golf cart system. With football season rapidly approaching, there’s no time to hesitate.

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THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

The truth about the ducks.

Hallee Metzer //File photo

A duck pictured on campus on 2016. The ducks are notorious on campus for being scary.

BY PARI WALTER

OPINION EDITOR The ducks on the University of Miami campus are unlike any most have ever seen elsewhere.

Someone not from Miami wouldn’t even call them that.

They almost seem to be glitching when they are pecking at the wall of a building or casually

leading their ducklings into oncoming traffic.

These jurassic-era fowl prowl around campus analyzing your every movement with their hollow eyes. Those eyes.

They can’t be natural, and when you really stop and think

APRIL 1, 2022

about it, the truth is sitting right in front of your eyes. These ducks don’t look real- why? Because they’re not.

Many of us have heard the rumors of the government replacing birds with drones to spy on Americans, and it is not far-fetched to assume that the university has taken up their own means of doing so to surveille students. The ducks on campus have such robotic mannerisms and ostentatious physical forms that we would be fools to deny that they are part of a surveillance scheme engineered by the university.

We can’t even blame the university for this clever ploy.

We all play right into it. From taking videos of their odd behavior to chalking up them coming a little too close to being domesticated, we’ve all had close

encounters with the ducks. But while we see these experiences as brief passing by, the ducks are recording our conversations and watching our every movement, intent on catching us offending the university in any way.

They’re always around, and when you draw your own attention to it, you’ll see it. Make eye contact with one of these creatures and a chill will run down your spine. Try to get close to them on your own accord and

they’ll dart away- why? Simply put, they don’t want you close when they know you’re on to them.

You may try to brush this off as an outrageous accusation or as a “conspiracy theory,” but next time one of those ducks waddles a little too close to you, I want you to think about whatever you’re saying and decide whether it’s something you want the university tuning in on.

Announced: HP Fall 2022 Concert Headliners include DaBaby, Chris Brown, Tory Lanez & Marilyn Manson. *Including special live-stream event from R. Kelly from prison!

Students terrified after rifle shooting added as a sport

BY ISABELLA DIDIO EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

When Ashley Wilson decided to commit to the University of Miami, her biggest concern was whether she’d be able to underground rush Delta Gamma, not dodging bullets while walking to class.

“It’s honestly so absurd,” Wilson said. “I wake up to the sound of gunshots and then I have to sprint by the IM field on my way to class.”

The source of the bullets is UM’s newest sports team: rifle shooting.

Added just two months ago, the athletic department has slowly filled out the roster of the team by watching students as they swipe their Cane Card into the gym to see who had the steadiest hands.

But the team has wreaked havoc on campus in the first few weeks of practice. The players practice every morning on the IM field, but because most of them have had little experience shooting guns, their aim is questionable and it is common for bullets to fly astray.

Jonah Miles, a freshman living on the second floor of Hecht, says a bullet was shot into his dorm room Wednesday morning, piercing his Brita filter and splattering water all over his Gucci loafers.

“Someone’s going to get killed or something,” Miles said, visibly upset. “And yeah, my Brita is f*cking broken.”

Gunner Davis, the newly hired coach of the rifle shooting team, says he has high hopes for the team.

“My athletes are fit as a fiddle. The foundation is there,

just gotta nail down the basics,” Davis said.

The athletic department has been made aware of the dangers posed to students by the new sport. But they say there is nothing they can do about it as they already signed a binding 10year contract with Remington to supply the rifles.

“The bullet grazed my right shin,” said Melody Houston, from her hospital bed in the Lennar Medical Center. “It took off a good chunk of skin and a little piece of bone. This was definitely a learning experience.

I’ve never been shot before.”

Houston is one of three UM undergraduate students who have been grazed by bullets while walking to class.

The new sport is also causing disruptions to the construction of the concert hall.

The construction workers are

repeatedly having to fill in bullet holes from stray bullets.

To help mitigate the issue, the Office of Student Affairs will be handing out bullet-proof shields to all students living in Hecht and Stanford. Shields

can be picked up outside of the Richter Library next week from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. Monday through Wednesday.

Pat Wilson // Creative Commonsr

A women pictured practicing rifle shooting, the newly added varsity sport that is causing harm to students.

THE MIAMI NEWSPAPER

APRIL 1, 2022

Alex Rodriguez to teach class on how to not get caught doping, only available for business school students

BY ISABELLLA DIDIO

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF B u s i n e s s m a n , philanthropist, baseball player and now professor.

Honorary UM alum Alex Rodriguez will begin his career in academia next semester as the professor of a new class aptly titled “How to not get caught doping.”

The class is only available for students in the business school.

While the syllabus has yet to be released to students, the Office of Academic Enhancement promises a thorough and comprehensive curriculum that will provide students with everything they could possibly need to know on escaping the authorities while doping.

“I am thrilled that the “U” invited me back to the place I call home,” Rodriguez said. “ In 2009, Rodriguez admitted to using performanceenhancing drugs from 2001 to 2003 because of an “enormous amount of pressure” to perform well. Then, after the Biogenesis baseball scandal came to light in 2013, Rodriguez was suspended for 211 games, but that suspension was reduced to 162 games after an arbitration hearing.

“I feel good today about coming forward and being honest and turning the page to the next chapter in my life,” Rodriguez said.

And that next chapter is teaching his style to

undergraduate business school students.

“Getting caught taking PEDs cost me over $40 million, a whole year away from baseball and possibly a chance at the Hall of Fame. I don’t want anyone to have to go through that.”

Rodriguez said he chose to only offer the course to business school students because he felt they would understand and benefit from the course material more than any other major at UM. “I want to make sure that these kids are aptly prepared for what the real world is going to throw at them,” Rodriguez said. “There is going to come a time when they will have no choice but to dope and I have the

resources to teach them what to do in that situation.”

Brandon Jacobs, a junior in the business school, says he is overwhelmed with joy to learn from a legend like “A-Rod.”

“He is an inspiration to so many,” Jacobs said. “I feel blessed to get the chance to learn from him.”

Hunter Crenian //TMH File Photor

Alex Rodriguez (left) pictured with Lee Corso on the set of College GameDay on UM’s campus in 2017. Although Rodriguez never attended the University of Miami, he donated $3.9 billion to the baseball program to help upgrade the stadium and facilities.

Abstinence V’s Take is The Hurricane’s most controversial and longest-running column. It is a satirical work published weekly by students and for students. Using our generation’s “colorful” language to address all things sex, love and gossip on campus, V is not for the politically correct or easily offended.

Dear Readers, I know my normal MO is discussing the best sex toys or different positions to try, but I must make a confession.

I’ve never had sex.

Yes, I am a virgin.

And no it’s not because I’m not hot as f*ck, because I am.

It’s because I am a firm believer in abstinence.

If my parents had practiced abstinence when they were seniors in high school, then they wouldn’t have had me at 18-years old, when they were horribly unprepared to care for me.

Practicing abstinence, especially when you are a teenager, can delay your first sexual encounter and wil reduce your number of partners, leading to a much lower chance of teen pregnancy or developing an STI.

Abstinence also allows you to focus on the important things in life, like school, sports, friends, family, planning for your future, gardening, reading, etc.

It also allows you to wait for the right person to come around, someone you trust to have sex with.

Not a rando you meet at an AEPi frat party freshman year who tells you his dad knows Jeff Bezos and owns a house in the Hamptons.

It allows you to focus on

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your work and education, because God knows we all need to make money to pay for this school.

If you are mourning the loss of a previous relationship or recovering from an illness, abstinence is the perfect opportunity to put yourself first and not stress about unorganically finding someone to have sex with, like on Tinder.

And finally, if you practice abstinence for religious purposes, well, good for you.

I will leave you with these wise words from Coach Carr.

“Don’t have sex because you will get pregnant and die. Don’t have sex in the missionary position. Don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise. Ok, everybody take some rubbers.”

Have a question for V? Email dearv@themiamihurricane.com.

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APRIL 1, 2022

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