Likeability by Michael Litovka

THE TABLE Introduction

1-5

Chapter 1: Be A Generous Sharer

6-9

Chapter 2: Like Other People’s Content

10-13

Chapter 3: Engage In Conversation

14-16

Chapter 4: Resource Others

17-19

Chapter 5: Don’t Talk About Yourself Too Much

20-23

Chapter 6: Be Active In Engaging Others

24-26

Chapter 7: Celebrate & Mourn With Others

27-29

Chapter 8: Know Your Audience

30-32

Chapter 9: Short Is Sweeter

33-34

Chapter 10: Be Interesting

35-37

Conclusion

38-41

INTRODUCTION

INTRODUCTION Most of us agree that social media is good for business. It allows us to reach more people, target a market and find inexpensive ways to get our products and message into the hands of our audience. But when it comes to being a human, it seems like we feel the opposite. This is a complaint I hear all the time.

“

Social media is making us more narcissistic.”

But is it? Maybe it is. Maybe we have become worse as a people group from overexposure to pictures of other people’s food. But maybe we haven’t. Maybe we’ve been this way all along. Maybe social media didn’t make us more self-centered or narcissistic, maybe it just revealed the way we already were.

Maybe the problem isn’t social media. Maybe it’s us. What I intend to do with the next ten chapters of this book is help you understand how social media is connected to real life, and how the problems we see on social media might not just be problems with the media itself. But how, if we pay attention to the expert strategies for being more ‘liked’ on social media, we just might find out how to be more likable in real life.

INTRODUCTION

The things that get you likes on Facebook and Instagram, that get you retweets and replies on Twitter, and that get you friends and followers are the same principles that gain greater friendships and colleagues in the real world. Social media is social, after all.

So what is “Likability?” Why are some people more “liked” than others? If the number of likes you get on social media can change based on how you interact there, is it possible to become more likable by changing the way you interact in real life? Does social media have something to teach us about ourselves? I believe the answer to those questions is yes. We can use the same principles we use to gain likes as followers on social media to become more likable in our lives. Being more likable isn’t about becoming a celebrity, or about winning the contest for who has the most friends. Being likable is about learning to treat people as Jesus would have treated them. It’s about discovering principles that make us the most attractive and thriving version of ourselves. Becoming likable isn’t about pandering to the needs and agendas of others. It isn’t about being a people-pleaser, or a doormat, or begging for affirmation. It isn’t about gaining a large following so we can feel a sense of importance or competence, or can use others for your personal gain. But being likable is important.

Why Does Likability Matter? To me, the definition of success in life is accomplishing the mission God has put in front of me. The thing is, there is no way for me to do this without the help of others. You can have great business plans, but if you aren’t likable, you are in trouble. I have to ask myself, honestly:

INTRODUCTION

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Do others believe in me? Will they open their network for me to succeed? Will they sacrifice for my dream? If not, why not? “ People who accomplish the mission God puts in front of them are generally really likable people. Before you start citing examples of successful people who no one liked, I get it. There are always exceptions to every rule, and this is no different. There are some people who have been successful without being very likable, and their stories are remarkable, but I can’t help but think about how much more remarkable their stories would have been if they had also been likable. What if they had been influential, innovative, and also likable. I can’t help but wonder how many more lives they would have changed. I can guarantee that the path to accomplish your dreams gets a lot more probable if you are more likable.

And the thing I find about likability is that it is contagious. When we become more likable, the people around us become more likable with us. In fact, in my experience, that’s one of the reasons likable people are so — well, likable. They give other people permission to be likable too. I recently had the opportunity to hear Author Bob Goff speak at a conference, and could practically feel his likability flooding off the stage. As he talked about life and courage and being a friend I couldn’t help but feel suddenly inspired to be open, friendly and courageous as well. His likability was contagious.

INTRODUCTION

I acknowledge there are some real dangers to likability. As a man of God, and a devout follower of Jesus Christ, I understand that He is all-powerful and that my life should be committed completely to Him. If God tells me to do something, even if it doesn’t make sense, and even if it doesn’t make me very likable, I should do it. That is my first objective. I also know that, sometimes, loving Jesus means being hated by the world on His account. In John 15:18 we are told, “If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world... that is why the world hates you.” (NIV). Likewise, 1 John 3 warns us, “Do not be surprised my brothers and sisters, if the world hates you.” Sometimes the world will hate us for loving Jesus. But we should never use these scriptures as an excuse to act in a way that is selfish or inconsiderate, and blame it on our love for Jesus. Jesus was hated, but he was also loved. He also cared deeply for people, healed them, fed them, took care of them, and put their needs before his own. Jesus was a man of great humility and likability, and he was God in the flesh.

In order to pursue likability in a healthy way, as a Christian, here are some things to keep in mind. n Likability must be birthed out of our understanding of God’s like and love

for us. The greater understanding of how God feels about us, the greater

our capacity to love him and like others.

n All truth is God’s truth, so good principles for friendship and likability are

God’s principals for friendship and likability as well. As long as we’re focused

on serving God first, and people second, our priorities are in order.

INTRODUCTION n Becoming likable is about becoming the kind of person who, in humility,

draws people to yourself — not for your own satisfaction, but because you

want to give generously the gifts you’ve been given in grace. This is not about

being famous, but about reflecting the person and heart of Jesus Christ.

n The principles I share in this eBook are all principles Jesus lived out in a

healthy way during his ministry on earth. Let’s look to social media as a way

to start the conversation, but to Jesus as our ultimate example.

Navigating carefully around these pitfalls, I want to discuss how the strategies we use to get more likes and retweets on social media are the same strategies we can use to become more likable in real life. I want to share stories from my own life, from the lives of my friends, all with the hope of showing you what likability looks like, and how to become more likable yourself.

I hope you find this resource helpful.

CHAPTER 1

BE A GENEROUS SHARER

WHEN PEOPLE COME TO ME WONDERING ABOUT HOW TO GET MORE “SHARES” ON SOCIAL MEDIA, THE ADVICE I GIVE IS ALWAYS THE SAME: BE A GENEROUS SHARER. IF I WERE GIVING ADVICE FOR LIFE, IT WOULD BE THE SAME. Think about the people who have made the biggest (positive) impact on our lives. Don’t they all share in generosity? I think about the man from my church who paid my fall semester of college at the start of my sophomore year so I could go back. This act of sacrifice was life-changing and helped me get back on the road to accomplish the mission of God in my life. I will never forget that act of kindness.

Share what you have with others. In the world of social media, sharing can look a couple of different ways. You can share your platform by inviting others to post on your blog. You can share resources like books and eBooks for free. You can share resources other people have created on your Facebook or Twitter. No matter how you choose to do it, the point is to share more than seems doable, more than seems fair, and more than you might feel like sharing. Be very generous in the way you share. When it comes to real life, sharing looks fairly similar. n Share a meal with a family in need. n Share money with projects you believe in. n Share your time to mentor a young person.

Our resistance to sharing. People are resistant to sharing, I think, because sharing takes sacrifice. In order to share what I have with others it means I don’t get to keep that resource for myself. And our resistance to sharing hasn’t changed since elementary school.

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Watch a five-year-old play with trucks in a sandbox and, when it comes time to let another kid play with his toys he says, “no, that’s mine!”. We don’t act any differently as adults. We hesitate to share our platforms, share our followers, and to share the work of others in our space because we worry there are only so many “likes” (like trucks) to go around. And if there are only so many “likes” to go around, then we need to save some of that prime real estate for ourselves. Is this social media making us selfish, or is this social media revealing something inside of us that already exists? I would argue it’s the latter. This social media phenomenon is revealing our misunderstanding about what actually happens when we share our resources.

When we share what we have, our resources actually multiply. This was the case for the young boy who shared his small lunch with Jesus and ended up feeding a crowd of 5,000. This is the case when thousands share an article or YouTube video and it goes viral. And this is the case for us when we loosen our tight grips around our resources and share with those around us. When people share, energy builds, resources grow. It makes me think about the college student who took time for me when I was in Jr. High and took me to hang out with his friends. He was generous with his time and his network and it became some of my fondest memories from childhood. All the life and wisdom and generosity and time he shared lives on in me.

Sharing with others does four things. 1. It maximizes the resources you have by putting them where there is a real need. 2. It makes others more likely to share with you when they have something you need. 3. It creates energy and keeps things moving. 4. It loosens the grip of “things” around our heart How would this world be different if we all stopped thinking of our resources as limited, and each opened our pools of resources to our neighbors? How would things change if we stopped worrying about what was “fair” and just started sharing generously with 7

CHAPTER 1

those who were in need? This is the kind of reality Jesus spoke into existence when he declared, “Give and it will be given to you” (Luke 6:38) and later, Paul echoed these teachings: Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18 Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19 In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life. (1 Timothy 6:17-19)

To discover if Paul is talking to you in this passage, if you are “rich in this present world,” focus on what you have rather than what you don’t have.

If you have a computer, you’re rich. If you have a car, even if it isn’t fancy, you’re rich. If you’re reading this eBook on a tablet or a phone, you’re rich. If you’re rich, Jesus and Paul both command you to be generous with your resources, to be “rich in good deeds” and to always be willing to share. The promise is that you will never go without. There is always enough to go around. We worship a God who “richly provides” all things we need and more. On social media, experts tell us to give away eBooks and other resources for free, to share our content with other platforms, to invite others to share on our platform, and to quote and retweet others often. There’s a reason this is great advice. Sharing makes people really likable.

So how do we become better at sharing? Always be looking for opportunities. I try to cultivate the habit of looking for needs. Sometimes this is as obvious as a letter showing up at my door, asking for money, or as straight-forward as me asking another person, “what do you need?” I end almost every conversation I have by asking the question, “Is there anything I can do right now for you that would make your life better than it is right now?” Then I listen closely when people tell me stories about their dreams, desires, and heartbreaks. Almost always, their “needs” are communicated there. Then I ask myself, “How can I meet that need? Who do I know, or what do I have, that would meet a need for this person?” 8

CHAPTER 1

Be sure to look for mutual value. I don’t know why we assume that sharing always has to be a lose-win situation. Sometimes sharing is a win-win. Consider the mutual blessing of connecting an emptynest couple with a young person who needs someplace to stay for a short season. Or the mutual benefit of a young entrepreneur seeking advice from a more seasoned business person, anxious to leave a legacy in the business world. When you look for mutual value between both parties, sharing can become even more powerful than it already is. Don’t be afraid to take a leap. Years ago I hosted Donald Miller for a speaking event at Life in Deep Ellum Church and one day, over lunch, he shared how when he is writing a story, he subconsciously decides what line the character is willing or not willing to cross. Then he makes sure, at different times in his story, the character crosses that line. He was explaining how this makes an interesting character. In our story we need to decide how generous we can be, how far and how much makes sense for us to give. Then, several times a year, we need to cross that line. Just as it made his story better, it will make ours better too. What would it look like for you to cross your “line” with generosity? What would it look like for you to jump right in? Don’t be afraid to start sharing. I dare you to see what happens. If sharing doesn’t come naturally for you, or if you’re one of those people who feels like resources are limited, take the leap and see what relationships form. Create a culture of sharing in your life and in your world.

CHAPTER 2

LIKE OTHER PEOPLE’S CONTENT

IF YOU WERE HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING “LIKES” ON YOUR CONTENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, I WOULD ENCOURAGE YOU TO BEGIN BY “LIKING” THE CONTENT OF OTHER PEOPLE. I would give you this same advice for being likable in real life.

Like other people. It seems strange and counterintuitive that liking other people would make you more likable, but it’s really true. Liking other people makes us more likable because people like to be liked. It’s really that simple. As much as you want to be liked by others, others want to be liked by you! So liking other people is one sure-fire way to be more likable yourself. On social media, liking others is pretty easy. All we have to do is push a button. But, for some reason, we still don’t do it. We still resist. And if it is really so hard for us to “like” someone else on social media, why should we expect ourselves to do the hard work of cultivating genuine “like” for people in real life?

What keeps us from “liking” others? The biggest thing that keeps us from liking others is simply tunnel vision. In order for you to “like” others, you have to notice them, and what they’re doing. And for the most part, I think we just miss it. We don’t notice anyone but ourselves. When it comes to the world of social media, this means we get caught up only paying attention to our own content, refreshing our Facebook page 100 times to see how many people “like” the picture we posted, or the blog post we wrote.

CHAPTER 2

When it comes to real life, it’s about every thought and feeling being centered around ourselves. n I wake up thinking about myself, about how I feel that day. n I think about what I’m going to eat for breakfast. n I worry about how bad traffic is going to be on the way to work. n I’m annoyed that my kids are running late, or that the dog peed on the carpet, because I’m going

be late for work.

n I’m worried about getting my cup of coffee.

I’ve been thinking about me all day, and it’s only 8am. We truly don’t mean any harm by our self-centeredness, it’s just work to notice other people, and it comes very naturally to us to notice ourselves. But I wonder how much happier we would be if we spent time and energy noticing what was happening around us. I wonder how much more we would be liked by others.

The other thing that keeps us from liking others is jealousy and comparison. I’ll talk about this more in Chapter 7 but comparing ourselves to others, or feeling jealous of the things they have or don’t have, keeps us from noticing them, and from celebrating with them in their achievements or mourning with them in their losses. If we’re always competing with people, there is no way we can like them. Again, we’re not being mean or vindictive. We’re simply acting the way we know how. But if we don’t address our tendency to feel jealous or competitive with others, both on social media and in real life, we’ll miss opportunities for connection with them, opportunities to like others, and for others to like us.

What a “Like” says. I can remember when our church was in the midst of an extraordinary growth season and we were in desperate need of new staff. One of my main roles during that season was recruiting great staff to our team. I was excited about this challenge. I love people and I love the church so this seemed to play right into my sweet spot. What I didn’t realize is how critical of others it would make me. I was surprised by how hard it was to feel like other people did not like me, and how hard it was to continue liking others when they didn’t like me.

CHAPTER 2

The reason “likes” make us so likable is that they are very affirming. A like says I notice you, I affirm you, I value you and what you have to offer. n When was the last time you looked around to notice what other people are creating? n When was the last time you affirmed someone for what they were doing, or who they are as a person? n When was the last time you expressed the value of those around you?

Liking others isn’t just as simple as clicking a button. It takes a very intentional decision to die to our own wants and needs (even if it is in a small way) and live for the wants and needs of someone else. A “like” says I see you as important. I’m paying attention. Paul commands this kind of selfless in his letter to the Philippians. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:3-4)

While I was working the recruiting job I described above, the pastor I partnered with was (and still is) a true believer in people, like any great pastor should be. He truly believed no matter how deficient someone was, they had the potential of changing the world. He is right, the only problem is, that is a good way to grow a church body but not necessarily the way to grow an effective staff. So if my Pastor was “Good Cop,” I had to play, “Bad Cop.” For the good of the team, I forced myself to be the critical one. I was the one that had to doubt what the interviewee was saying and fact-check their references. After a few years of playing the bad cop, critical role, I became a critical person. I remember how gross that felt. I remember questioning every person I met and the validity of their story. What a terrible way to live. So after I left my hiring role I decided it was time to change. I was going to LIKE people. I started doing three very simple, yet very powerful things.

1. Pray I pray everyday for the people that I will be meeting with that day. I pray specifically (calendar appointments) and generally (whoever God brings across my path).

2. Listen So much about a person is found in their story. Most of the time this takes no prodding at all, people will give you their story and I’ve found the more of it you know, the more you will like them. 12

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3. Celebrate We get into this more in chapter 7 but let me tell you, you can, in all sincerity, celebrate yourself into liking someone.

What if The Problem is Me? It’s easy to blame our problem on social media. If social media didn’t exist, we wouldn’t be so self-centered. But apparently the problem of self-centeredness was enough of an issue in Paul’s day, that he used valuable ink to warn the church in Philippi against it.

What if the problem isn’t social media? What if the problem is us? I love this quote from Steven Furtick. He says, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” Is that happening to you? If you have a hard time liking the content of others, whether on social media or otherwise, spend some time reflecting about why this might be. Maybe you feel like you constantly have to compete with others, or maybe you simply have tunnel vision. But if you find it hard to like others, chances are, they find it hard to like you too.

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ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION SOCIAL MEDIA IS A CONVERSATION, AND GOOD CONVERSATIONS INVOLVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON, EACH OF WHOM IS EQUALLY INVESTED IN THE TOPIC AT HAND. MOST CONVERSATIONS FOLLOW A BASIC SET OF RULES (SPOKEN OR UNSPOKEN), THINGS LIKE “LISTEN WHILE THE OTHER PERSON IS SPEAKING,” OR “CHOOSE A SUBJECT THAT IS MUTUALLY INTERESTING TO BOTH PEOPLE.” If these rules are broken, chances are the conversation will end.

Think about the people who are most likable in your life. Chances are they are friends, mentors, teachers or parents who have engaged you in a meaningful conversation, maybe over the course of a long time, in a way that made you feel valued and important. n The conversation allowed you to discover new things about the world or about yourself. n The conversation made you feel heard and valued. n The conversation helped you feel connected to others. n The conversation gave you space to celebrate your value.

I remember the first time I ever heard Bob Goff speak. I was at STORY conference in Chicago and, from the minute he started talking, I felt instantly drawn to him. In fact, I remember feeling for a minute like I had to create these elaborate opportunities for crazy stories — stories as crazy as his — to happen to me, so I could be as likable as him. For the few minutes I contemplated that in my seat, I felt the pressure of that assumption. But the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that Bob wasn’t likable because he was copying anyone else. He was likable because he was doing a great job at being the very unique version of him, and he gave me permission to do the same. How would I do what Bob Goff does? We are so different. Bob didn’t show me what to do. He showed me a posture in which to live my life. It wasn’t a how-to message, it was a how-be message. In order to be as likable as Bob, in order for my zeal for life to be as contagious as his, I had to be as good at being me as he was at being him. Your likability will be contagious too but it has to be yours, not someone else’s.

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People like Bob and the conversations they start are the ones that leave the most lasting impressions on our lives. and when you think about it, I think you’ll realize they are generally led by people we consider likable.

How to Engage People to Become More Likable To be honest, the internet is full of conversations that aren’t helpful or constructive. It seems like every day we can jump online and find an angry post about some hot topic where people are yelling at each other in the comments. These conversations might make us get a lot of traffic, but they do not make us likable. If you ask me, We can host and engage healthy conversations by following a set of really basic guidelines. These are guidelines for healthy conversations on and offline. Don’t do all the talking. The easiest way to end a conversation is to do all the talking. If conversations involve two people, make sure your conversations have room for more than just you.

Do you constantly interrupt people? Do you ask good questions? Do you find yourself always talking about yourself? The most likable people like other people, which means they’re interested in knowing the thoughts, ideas and opinions of others as much as they’re interested in other people knowing their thoughts, ideas and opinions. Exercise this simple guideline in your conversations and your conversations will become more interesting, and you will become more likable. Also, choose your battles, don’t fight over everything. You can tell when someone wants to “win” an argument more than they want to have a conversation, can’t you? They contradict everything you say, correct you at every turn, and take every opportunity to attack you. This is the fastest way to lose friends and end a conversation. When we have conversations with people who come from different backgrounds and perspectives than we do, there will of course be disagreements. It’s not reasonable to say we will always agree about everything. But before you contradict someone’s idea or

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use of words ask yourself these questions: n Is what I’m about to say relevant to the conversation? n Is it going to help us make progress? n Is it kind?

Don’t always be the hero of your story. Vulnerability is the prerequisite for intimacy, which just means you can’t come to generally care about people — to “like” them — and they can’t come to like you, unless you are vulnerable with them. If you’re always the hero of your own stories, you aren’t being honest with yourself or with others. Feel free to talk about your failures, your shortcomings, and your faults. Be willing to admit when you are wrong.

What keeps us from engaging healthy conversations? Maybe you avoid or resist online conversations because they never seem very healthy. Or, maybe you treat online conversations differently than you do conversations in real life. Or, maybe you realize now you aren’t very likable in either area. No matter where you land on the spectrum, here are some questions to consider: n If you avoid conversations because they don’t seem healthy, what is stopping you from starting your

own conversation, or from turning the tides in the ones already happening?

n If you treat online conversations differently, what makes them different? n If you aren’t very likable in your conversations, why not? What’s getting in your way?

For most of us, I would argue the answer is fear. It’s really scary to be vulnerable in conversations, to be vulnerable with people when we can’t guarantee they will be vulnerable with us. It’s scary to be vulnerable when the response might be an attack. But what if we took God at his word that the only cure for deep fear is love? (1 John 4:18). What if we decided to take the advice of James and were quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry? (James 1:19) What would happen then? I think we’d become more likable.

CHAPTER 4

RESOURCE OTHERS THERE IS SOMETHING POWERFUL ABOUT GIVING SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY NEED. It can be something really simple, really inexpensive, and maybe even free, but none of that matters when you’re meeting a need. It could be the smallest, most insignificant gift you’ve ever given, but when it meets the deep need of the person who receives it, it will feel to them like a million bucks. Sometimes being really generous doesn’t mean giving everything you have, it just means giving the right gifts to the right people. It really doesn’t take much to resource others with something they need: n It requires noticing a need. n It requires innovating a way to meet that need. n It requires a willingness to give the thing that is needed.

Content is King In the world of blogging and social media we say, “Content is King” and it’s true, because content is what we’re using to meet the needs of our readers. If our readers need to hear about how to build a stronger marriage, but we give them our mother’s favorite cake recipe, they won’t come back. If our readers want help growing their personal platforms, but instead we tell them about our fitness regiment over the weekend, and how cool our dog is, they will quit reading. They’re not being mean, they just have a need that isn’t being met. Nothing turns people away faster than fluffy, unhelpful content. On the other hand, when you create content that is focused, helpful and meaningful for readers, you’ll see slow, steady, certain growth in your readership. Why? Because people can’t help but be drawn to a person who meets a tangible need for them. Not to mention, people who meet tangible needs for others represent the person and the heart of Jesus.

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Resourcing others makes you likable, and points people toward Jesus. How do you meet a need for people? This is another area where what makes us successful in social media has something important to teach us about what could make us successful in life. The best writers, bloggers and social media managers know that the way to grow a platform is to do some combination of the following. n Identify a need (ask questions, listen, pay attention to your own needs). n Innovate a solution for that need by developing focused content. n Develop a plan for meeting that need by asking when, where and how to best deliver the content to

those who need it.

We have something to learn here about life.

What are the needs around you? If you open your eyes and pay attention to what is going on around you, you will find needs. People need things everywhere. Sometimes the needs are very basic, like food water or shelter. Sometimes they are more complex, like relationships, love and belonging. Sometimes they are even more abstract than that â&#x20AC;&#x201D;Â things like play, creativity, selfesteem, confidence or identity. There are needs everywhere if we are willing to look for them.

How can you meet those needs? You are not required to meet every need for every person, but think about how you can meet the needs that are right in front of you. If you are someone who naturally tends to notice and meet the needs of others, remind yourself that you will not be able to meet every need. Trying to meet every need will prevent you from meeting any needs at all. But as you begin to notice the needs around you, ask yourself: How can I meet that need?

What do I have that someone else needs? n Do I have a skill to offer? n Do I have physical resources, like money, clothing or food? n Do I have words or simply a smile to give? n Do I have time to help someone in need?

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When we give what we have as a resource for others, we will become more likable. And it makes sense! This is what Jesus did, and people are drawn to Jesus. Jesus is love. The gift doesn’t have to be extravagant. It doesn’t have to clean out our bank account or push us beyond our limits. In fact, it shouldn’t do those things. Meeting a need with what we have is often inexpensive, or free. It’s often a small sacrifice. But this is the kind of community we’re called to create as Christians, the kind of community that shares what it has with those around us. And there is no getting around it. Meeting the needs of others will make us all more likable.

CHAPTER 5

DON’T TALK ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH

THE EASIEST WAY TO LOSE SOMEONE’S ATTENTION ONLINE IS TO TALK ABOUT YOURSELF ALL THE TIME. PICTURES OF YOUR CAT. PICTURES OF YOUR DINNER. PICTURES OF YOUR NEW SHOES. THOSE ARE ALL NICE THINGS, BUT AFTER AWHILE, PEOPLE GET BORED. And the same is true when we’re talking about communicating offline. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who dominated the conversation? Every time you opened your mouth, they interrupted you or cut you off; and although you asked them questions about where they were from, or what they liked to in their spare time, they rarely turned the same questions back to you. I bet you walked away from the conversation feeing depleted and empty.

Why we have such a hard time listening more than we talk. Although I’ve been on the receiving end of conversations like the one I described above, I also have to admit I’ve been on the giving end of those conversations too. All of us could be better listeners and, for the most part, it just takes practice. That’s the biggest thing getting in our way, if you ask me. Sure, there are some elements of pride mixed in. We get tunnel vision, like I talked about in chapter 1. We forget that not everybody cares as much about our lives as we do. But we’re not being vindictive or evil.

We’re simply out of practice. The best way to become better at listening and asking questions and talking less about ourselves is to admit we have what it takes and start doing it. Seriously, try it. Next time you have a conversation with someone, pay attention to how much you talk, and how much space you give them to talk.

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If they aren’t talking much, ask yourself why. n Are you interrupting or overpowering? n Do they seem disinterested or distracted? n If so, have you spent time trying to understand what would interest them? n Have you asked good questions? n Do allow silence for thinking and reflection?

Why is listening so powerful? I remember towards the end of my sophomore year of college I was needing to choose where to do my internship. I worked in an amazing Student Ministry under the leadership of Nate Ruch and he was a big believer in college students sticking around for the summer. He felt like, if we were going to invest our school year into students’ lives, we should also stay around for the summer. One of my close friends was an evangelist and had asked me to go with him for the summer to preach camps. It really was a dream summer opportunity. Travel, spend time with a close friend, hang out with great youth leaders all over the USA. I had pretty much decided I was going to go on the road for the summer and had let Pastor Nate know what I was doing. He called one day and asked if he could meet me at the school cafeteria to talk. I remember we sat down at a booth in the back of the cafeteria, away from people and excess noise. He sat across from me and asked a few simple questions. The next thing I knew, I had been talking for 30 minutes. I can remember thinking, “I have been talking a long-time. I wonder when he will say something.” When I had finished my 30 minute download of every bit of my process to the decision to leave for the summer, he just looked at me. It felt like ten minutes but it was probably only 30 seconds. He had a look on his face like he was processing it all. The next 15 minutes of my life would end up ranking among the most significant. Nate didn’t just tell me why he thought what I was doing was a bad idea. No, he went through every thing I had just said to him, repeated it how he had heard it (obviously in a more condensed version), and then asked me a few clarifying questions that helped me understand why I had the feelings I was feeling.

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Over the next several minutes, Nate helped me realize what I really wanted, under the surface, which was to stay around for the summer, and how the decision I was making was out of insecurity and fear. To an outsider this might sound like another classic, pastor/spiritual leader manipulating a young college student into doing what serves their agenda best, but I’ve thought about this moment so much since then, and I can assure you it wasn’t. At the end of the conversation I felt I had been heard, valued, given wisdom, and like I had been given permission to choose what I really wanted to choose, rather than to choose what I thought I had to choose for someone else. If you’ve ever had a similar experience — where someone listened to you without agenda — you know what I mean, and you know how healing it can be. Listening is healing. There are literally whole philosophies of modern psychology built around this concept. When we give people space to tell their stories, something really transformative happens.

Listening helps people see their need for Jesus. Giving a person space to share their story takes the attention off of me, and even off of them, and places the emphasis on Jesus. Jesus shows up when we tell our stories. He shows up inside of them, and in spite of them. He shows up to meet us where we are and to redeem our broken places.

Listening connects us to each other. We have something in common with every person we meet, no matter how different their background or perspective might be from our own. But we can’t know what we have in common until we listen. In fact, if we were willing to spend as much energy listening as we do defending ourselves and our position, I believe we would find ourselves resolving many arguments, disagreements and misunderstandings before they even start.

Listening meets a basic human need. We are all desperate to be known and loved, and listening meets this very basic need.

CHAPTER 5

In the last chapter I talked about meeting the needs of others, and the need to be known and loved is a need most of us can meet with many people in our lives with relatively little investment. All we need is a little time and will-power to keep quiet. What we need is to develop the art of listening.

How Do I Become A Better Listener? So how do you become a better listener? Here are three things I like to think about when I’m in a conversation with someone: n Don’t

assume anything. Don’t assume you know what the person is going to say before he/she says it, as it will make you prone to interrupting. Don’t assume you know what the speakers means by a certain statement, as it could prevent you from discovering the true meaning. Instead, ask lots of questions.

n Let

your curiosity drive you. Don’t settle for surface-level answers to your questions. To avoid making the speaker defensive, ask more “what” questions than “why” questions. What made you choose to move to Portland? What is your favorite part of your job? What do you value about that particular perspective or philosophy?

n Avoid

Distractions. Some places just aren’t conducive to good conversations, especially if you’re prone to distraction. Try to arrange conversations in a space where you won’t be distracted by what’s happening around you, so you can give the conversation your total attention.

Think about the most likable people you know, the people who have listened to you, who have valued your opinions and thoughts, who have given you space to become who you are. Most likely they do this well. In fact, if we think back to the life of Jesus, he did this well. As we seek to become more like Jesus in this way, we’ll become more likable too.

CHAPTER 6

BE ACTIVE IN ENGAGING OTHERS

RESOURCING PEOPLE WITH GREAT CONTENT, OR SOMETHING ELSE THEY NEED, IS ONE THING, BUT IF YOU WANT TO ADD LONG TERM VALUE TO A PERSON’S LIFE, IF YOU WANT TO BE REALLY LIKABLE, YOU MUST BE ACTIVE IN ENGAGING THEM. This is the difference between giving someone a $5 bill and teaching someone a skill that will help them make $5 every day for the rest of their lives. It’s the difference between giving someone great advice, and showing them what it looks like to live out that advice on a daily basis. It’s the difference between giving someone driving directions and leading them to their destination. Of course, one is far simpler than the other, it’s no wonder we resist engaging others.

Why do we resist engaging others? Engaging others is hard. When it comes to social media, it’s much easier to just choose a few quotes we think might be inspiring, schedule them out at random, and hope we’ll become the most popular person on the planet. But this is not what makes us likable. What makes us likable is genuinely engaging people, on the Internet or otherwise.

Engaging others means we have to get into their mess with them. Think about the person who stands on the side of the highway begging for money. If you give that person a $5 bill, you meet an immediate need (like I discussed in chapter 4) but after you walk away, that need will come back again and again. We can’t engage everyone all the time, but just consider for a minute what kind of long-term need you would meet if you stopped and asked this person to share his or her story; or, better yet, helped them find a job.

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I’m sure the minute I make a suggestion like this you’re thinking of all the possible ramifications, all the things that could go wrong, and the reasons why this is not your responsibility. You might be right about all of those things But it simply illustrates my point even further that engaging others is messy.

Engaging others forces us to make sacrifices. No matter what, we cannot engage others without making a sacrifice. We might give up money, or time, or energy. Jesus gave up heaven in order to engage humanity, in order to come down and get in the middle of the messy story being written. He gave up time to be with the disciples, to teach them and mentor them. He gave up energy to stop and heal people, even when they got in the way of his objective. He gave up all the resources and power he had as God in order to die and secure salvation for you and me. It was for all these reasons, despite the fact he was hated by a few, Jesus was liked and loved by so many. Without a willingness to make sacrifices, there is no way to truly engage others, and engaging others makes a difference.

The power of engaging others. Have you ever been shopping and asked an employee of the store where to find a certain item, only to be met with a reply that doesn’t seem very helpful. “Aisle 24A,” as if you knew where that was. How much more helpful is it when you ask a question, and instead of speaking the directions, someone leads you right there? Advice and directions are simple to give, but it is more powerful if someone leads you to your destination. This example is simple, but the concept applies in other areas of life as well. If you’ve ever experienced a difficult season of marriage, you know that you can read a thousand books on the subject, all filled with great advice, but none of that is as powerful as someone outside of your marriage, who engages you, affirms you, tells you you’re normal, and lives out a healthy marriage right in front of you.

That’s the power of engaging others. There’s a reason people who engage others are so engaging. They make us feel empowered and we can’t get enough of it. They are really likable. 25

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What does it look like to be engaging? Think about the people who are most engaging online and in real life. You probably won’t have to think too hard. They’re the ones who most readily come to mind, the ones who’s blog posts you can’t allow yourself to miss, the ones who you want to be around, the ones who status updates you enjoy reading.

What do these people have in common? What is it that makes them so engaging? On social media, an engaging person looks like this: n Responds to comments. n Replies to tweets. n Asks good questions. n Challenges people by living courageously in front of them. n Speaks authentically and from the heart. n Doesn’t try to act smart or like he or she “has it all together”. n Invites others into his or her life, and into his or her digital “home”.

In real life, an engaging person looks like this: n Responds to people when they talk. n Replies when others reach out to them. n Asks good questions. n Challenges people by living courageously in front of them. n Invites others into his or her life, and into his or her home. n Speaks authentically and from the heart. n Doesn’t try to act smart or like he or she “has it all together”.

Do you notice a trend? Me too. Engaging people engage people, not by being the smartest or the best at anything, and not by posturing themselves or pretending to be anything they aren’t. They engage people by celebrating others, by assuming the best about them, and by inviting them to be a part of a collective and interesting story. We can’t help but like engaging people. We don’t even have to try. They bring out the best in us, and we can’t help but see the best in them. They make us feel good about ourselves and others. Those who make the sacrifices to engage others are likable, and their likability draws us in and changes us in the best kind of way.

CHAPTER 7

CELEBRATE AND MOURN WITH OTHERS

CELEBRATING AND MOURNING WITH OTHERS IS AS SIMPLE AS IT SOUNDS, AND WORKS THE SAME ON SOCIAL MEDIA AS IT DOES IN REAL LIFE. WHEN SOMEONE IS HAPPY, WHEN THEY EXPERIENCE SUCCESS, AND SHARE ABOUT THEIR SUCCESS, CELEBRATE WITH THEM WITHOUT CONDITION. n Celebrate when someone gets married, even if your marriage is a point of pain for you. n Celebrate when someone has a baby, even if you want a baby and can’t have one. n Celebrate when someone gets a new job, even if you are out of work.

The same goes for mourning with those who mourn. When someone expresses hurt or disappointment online, this means avoiding the temptation to talk them out of their frustration or hurt, and instead choosing to be with them in their pain. n I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve experienced. n You must be so disappointed. n Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. n You aren’t alone. I’ve been there too.

What keeps us from celebrating and mourning with others? It seems like many times in the church, we follow the opposite advice: “Mourn with those who celebrate and celebrate with those who mourn.”

Why do we do this? I think it is mostly our pride and selfishness, our sense that everyone should feel how we feel as we feel it, that others should move to our position before we move to theirs. But this cannot be. We must get better at celebrating with others and mourning with them in their disappointments, or we will miss opportunities to “overcome evil with good” as the scriptures promise (Romans 12: 21). It is difficult to celebrate with someone when you are grieving. There is no doubt about that. But God wouldn’t command you to do it if it wasn’t good for you. It’s inconvenient and painful to sit with a mourning friend. You must feel the loss they feel. But don’t miss the opportunity to minister to people by celebrating and mourning with them.

CHAPTER 7

Whatever it is that causes you to look at Twitter or Facebook feeds as an endless stream of people doing better than you, get over it! I’m not trying to be insensitive, but I am trying to speak very directly to what is happening. You don’t need another social media fast. Social media is not the problem. What you need is to pray about it, fast about it, or get counseling about it. The answer is not to become completely oblivious to what is happening in the lives of others. The answer is to figure out where your jealousy is coming from. Do whatever it takes to get over this, or it will uproot you.

Curing jealousy and comparison. There is only one cure for jealousy and comparison — celebration. If you are a jealous person, celebrate yourself out of it. It is not Godly and it is like a Cancer, eating you from the inside out. Jealous people cannot be likable people. They don’t even like themselves! If you struggle with comparing yourself to others, spend some time reflecting about what you really like about yourself, and about your life. Make a list if that helps you. Stop trying to be just like other people. Work to cultivate gratitude for who God made you to be.

The power of celebrating and mourning with others. There must be something powerful about being present with those in their joy and pain, because we’re commanded to do it in the scriptures. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15). Paul assures us that this is precisely how we put love into action. He discusses it in the same breath as he does sharing physical resources. Having been in ministry for many years, I’ve seen the power of this practice. When someone is hurting, praying with them and even crying with them is more helpful, and more healing and healthy for both parties, than trying to solve their problems or talk them out of grief. Congratulating someone who is celebrating is a powerful and healing gesture for both people, especially if you’re celebrating something you want but don’t have.

Celebrating and mourning changes us. 28

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Allow yourself to celebrate and mourn with others, even when it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel natural. Speak the words before they feel right, and then notice where you feel insecure or jealous. Ask Jesus to heal you and help you grow.

Celebrating and mourning grows relationships Real relationships grow in times of joy, and times of suffering. If you opt out of relationships at these times, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t get to opt back in when things are average or easy. It might not be comfortable, but it is the right thing to do, and it will be better for you in the end. It also makes you a healthier, more engaging, more likable friend.

CHAPTER 8

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE

IN SOCIAL MEDIA, KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE SEEMS TO BE EASIER WITH MORE POWERFUL ANALYTICS COMING OUT ALL THE TIME. ON FACEBOOK I CAN NOW KNOW ALL KINDS OF INFORMATION ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO VIEW MY PAGE. I CAN KNOW WHERE PEOPLE ARE FROM, WHAT PERCENTAGES ARE MALE VERSUS FEMALE, AND EVEN HOW OLD MY READERS ARE. This knowledge can help inform me to be better for my audience. It allows me to write more clearly, to resource my readers with better content, and to speak to them in a way that is helpful and engaging. Translating that to our relationships outside of social media, I am a big believer in knowing who I am going to be with. It doesn’t matter if I am going to a social engagement, or a speaking engagement, I like to know who is going to be there. I even used to have a pastor send me the names of all those registered for camps where I was speaking. I would use that list to pray and memorize so when I met campers, their name wouldn’t be foreign to me. This simple practice made me less stressed, more comfortable, and gave me the chance to have a greater impact with those who were listening.

Doing the work of knowing your audience. There are some things you can know without much effort, but others it takes work. In the world of blogging, it is not uncommon for bloggers to do reader surveys as a way to learn more about their readers. The survey itself might be really simple, but even a few questions can give you valuable information about your audience. n What is your favorite blog post I’ve written? n What is your least favorite? n What content would you like to see more of on the blog?

Even the simple act of conducting the survey will make your readers feel like they are valued and important, let alone when they see you listened and took their feedback to heart. Likable bloggers do this practice. This concept is not unique to the world of blogging.

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When I’m going to a meeting with a select group of people, I always ask the organizer for the list of who is coming so I can look them up and have key details about them for discussion points. I’ve found, over the years, that this helps my meetings to be more productive and the relationships to be more valuable to me in the long run. None of this comes without a little work ahead of time, but the smallest amount of preparation can make the biggest difference.

“Success always comes when preparation meets opportunity.” — Henry Hartman

Becoming more likable by knowing your audience. It may seem over the top to you, but being prepared in this way has allowed me to grow my network because knowing my audience has made me likable. Whenever I say the word stalking, I assume you automatically get a negative picture in your head. You probably start thinking about some crazy lunatic sitting in a tree outside of a celebrity’s house. For the sake of this conversation, I want to talk about stalking in a different way, a positive way. Stalking is a way to gather knowledge about the people you meet with every day. My guess is that some of you meet with 2-3 new people every week. Whether it’s a new member at your church or a potential business partner, we are constantly faced with the challenge of breaking the ice, managing the conversation flow, and ultimately determining how the relationship can be mutually beneficial. Maybe you’ve experienced those meetings where the conversation goes dry and you have no idea what you’re going to talk about for the next 15 minutes. To help you avoid those awkward moments, I wanted to share some tips on how I prepare for a meeting on the front end to ease the initial awkwardness and maximize the time we have to meet. Anytime I have a meeting with someone I don’t know, I take time to look up as much as I can about them through social media. I try to answer these 3 questions: 1. Do we have any mutual connections through Facebook?– It’s amazing how a mutual friend can

really get a conversation going.

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2. Have they traveled to somewhere I love? I see if they’ve checked in on Foursquare or shared on Twitter. 3. Obviously sharing the fact that you both have been to Chicago isn’t going to get you far in a conversation

but if you have both been to Israel, that is something worth talking about.

4. Do we share a common hobby or like the same books/music?– It’s easy getting people talking about

the things they love to do.

The key is to weave this into a conversation without sounding crazy. You don’t want to tell them you know every detail of their life. Stay away from looking like you took notes on their family members names. This could scare some people.

Additional social stalking tip: If I’m waiting for someone to return my call or email, I will comment on a post they share on Facebook or retweet them. It is a gentle way to remind them and the equivalent to running into them at the grocery store. You get to remind them of the need to get back to you without actually telling them. When it comes to social media, knowing your audience can get you more “likes” and when it comes to real life, knowing your audience can help you forge more useful connections that allow you get where you’re trying to go. Knowing your audience makes you likable.

CHAPTER 9

SHORT IS SWEETER

I’LL KEEP THIS SHORT AND SWEET. SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERTS WILL TELL YOU TO “KEEP IT SHORT AND SWEET” BECAUSE WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR CONTENT THAT FITS OUR LIFESTYLE. WE TAKE INFORMATION IN SOUND BYTES, BETWEEN MEETINGS OR BEFORE BEDTIME OR WHILE WE WAIT FOR A FRIEND AT A COFFEE SHOP. Learning to shorten our messages to 140 characters on Twitter, and to 500 word blog posts is good for us, because it reminds us to focus on the most important part of what we’re trying to say, not to flood our audience with a bunch of useless details. We have all been there since Twitter was introduced to us. Trying to condense some piece of wisdom into 140 characters. It makes you work for every character. As annoying as this can be, it also can be a great exercise in precision communication. The same is true in life. We tend to think that if a little is good, more is better. We try to be as productive as possible, to do as much as possible, produce as much as possible, say as much as possible, etc. But less is more. As a communicator, I’ve always felt that leaving the audience wanting more was better than leaving them wishing you were done ten minutes ago. n Leave something to the imagination. n Don’t feel the need to answer every question, all the time, or to jump in on every topic. n Get people thinking and asking the right questions.

How does this make you more likable? n It keeps you from pretending to have answers when you don’t. n It keeps you from dominating conversations. n It keeps your message simple and sticky.

CHAPTER 9

There is a remarkable difference between saying something and having something to say. In todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s world, there are millions of people who are saying something (8 million blogs) but not ever one of those people has something to say. Here are questions I ask myself before speaking: n Is it relevant to the conversation? n Is it kind? n Is it helpful?

If not, I tend to keep my mouth shut. I like to keep things short and sweet.

CHAPTER 10

BE INTERESTING

I’LL NEVER FORGET MY FRIEND, PASTOR AND SPEAKER SY ROGERS, ANSWERING THIS QUESTION IN A CLASS FULL OF PREACHING STUDENTS: HOW DO YOU BECOME A GREAT COMMUNICATOR? HIS ANSWER WILL STICK WITH ME FOREVER. He said, “Always be an interesting person.” The older I become, and the more life I live, the more I know what he meant by this statement. Knowing information isn’t enough. You must be interesting. When it comes to social media, most people are trying to say something interesting without actually doing anything interesting, and it doesn’t work. My friend Darrell Vesterfelt talks about this phenomenon in his short eBook book Unblogger. He says, “It’s easy to write a theory before you live it, but living out those theories takes risk.” I agree, and I think this is one of the ways that social media reflects our misunderstanding about life. We can’t talk ourselves into being an interesting person. We have to live an interesting life. Interesting people do stuff, and they do stuff other people are plain unwilling to do.

What does it take to be an interesting person? There’s no formula for being an interesting person. That would defeat the point. When you think of the most interesting people you know, they’re probably all really diverse. In fact, the single thing they have in common is that they’re likable. So what if you want to become more interesting but aren’t sure how? Here are a few questions I recommend asking yourself.

What are you reading? Take a look at what you read on a daily basis. Do you read books? Blogs? Periodicals? Comics? Read widely and often, and don’t limit yourself to certain genres or authors. Read things you agree with and disagree with. Read for pleasure and to challenge yourself. Read what is popular, and what is obscure.

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If you don’t read, it’s time to start. If you don’t like reading, you’re going to have to change your attitude about it. Chances are, if you don’t like reading, you’re reading the wrong books. Find books that you think are interesting, not ones other people say you should read. It is your interest in those subjects that will make you interesting.

What are you listening to or watching? Take advantage of the resources that are available to you. Thanks to iTunes, did you know you can listen to university lectures at Ivy League schools — for free? This is the first generation that has access to that kind of information. Take advantage. Also, ask yourself how much time you spend watching TV. TV is not bad or wrong. My family and I enjoy a few shows, and thanks to conveniences like hulu or Netflix, we don’t have to arrange our entire week around them. But most Americans spend way too much time watching TV. David Horsehager, author of bestselling book The Trust Edge shares this research about TV time: “In one study, a manufacturing company examined how much television its workers watched.... The lowest line workers, those assigned to floor assembly, reported that they watched an average of thirty hours per week ... the supervisors viewed twenty-five hours each week, still a significant amount, but less than the floor workers. Foremen watched TV an average of twenty hours a week... Plant managers, the men and women in charge of entire factories, reported that they viewed only fifteen hours a week. The president watched eight to twelve hours per week. Finally, the chairman of the board watched just two to four hours a week. Taming TV time could have a big impact on your career!”.

Again, there is nothing wrong with watching TV, except that if it consumes too much of your time it might keep you from doing something else more interesting.

Who do you spend time with? First of all, look around you. The people you choose to spend your time with will impact who you become. If you’re surrounded by people who are uninteresting, you will become uninteresting. If you surround yourself with people who are all exactly like you, you will never be challenged to change. I challenge you to widen your social circle. I have a small group of friends that I spend a majority of my time at home with, but I’m never closed to meeting someone new or bringing someone into the circle. Look to expand. Be an includer. It’s people that make people most interesting.

CHAPTER 10

Where do you go? I’m blessed to have a role in life that takes me all over the nation and the world, so I get to see all kinds of interesting places, but none of that matters if I don’t engage the place where I am. If I fly into and out of the Phoenix airport in the same day, and only drive to a conference center and back, I haven’t really experienced Phoenix. Maybe you can’t travel away from your community, but have you taken the time to experience and engage it? Do you engage in the arts of the community? Do you keep up on current events happening nearby? It doesn’t take a lot of money to be at a rally where the President is speaking at or to track down a restaurant that was on Diners, Drive-ins’ and Dives.

What prevents us from being interesting? You might think that a lack of resources (like money or time) are the greatest thing that prevents you from being more interesting, but that’s not true. The biggest obstacle in your way is fear or insecurity. Don’t wait for these obstacles to be out of your way before you move, or you will never move. Courage comes in the doing. Being interesting is about doing something, and you’ll never feel quite ready to do it. So just get started anyway, even if it feels awkward, even if you’re afraid of failing, even if you actually do fail. Just get started doing.

What makes an interesting person likable? Interesting people are likable because we want to be like them, because they’re showing us we can do the things we’ve always hoped we could do.

CONCLUSION

CONCLUSION I know many who are reading might be feeling resistant to the concept of being more likable. You might even be thinking, “Okay, this all sounds nice, but how is it really relevant to my life?” I want to encourage you that being likable is as relevant to your life as the teachings of Jesus. Becoming likable is really just about being more like Him. Each of the points I’ve described above are rooted in my understanding of scripture and what it teaches, and each have played an integral role in my spiritual development. If you’ve read this whole book and are still wondering how the same might be true for you, here are a few things to consider.

1. Following Jesus always costs us something. From an evangelistic perspective, there is no getting around the fact that sharing the love of Christ will cost us something (cf. Lk. 9:57–62; 14:25–33). The problem is, “Evangelism” the way most of us practice it, doesn’t cost us very much. Being likable is hard. It’s hard to listen more than you talk, and hard to engage others when they don’t always want to be engaged, and hard to lead people by being more interesting, and more generous, and choosing to act in a healthy way when others don’t. It’s really hard to live like Jesus would live, but this is what it means to be his disciple.

CONCLUSION

Words are cheap, and if all you’re using are words to communicate the love of Jesus, the gospel you’re sharing is way too easy.

2. The world’s hatred for Jesus was theological, not sociological. There is some overlap between the two, of course, but Jesus always made it clear the former were more important. He never fought battles over purely sociological points, unless they were important to his theology. Paul did not encourage Christians to be social revolutionaries. Earthly governments were, after all, part of the temporal economy of God (Rom 13:1–7). They were a part of the old world that was passing away, and it was not Paul’s intent that the church disrupt society or overthrow governments. Rather, he encouraged Christians to be good citizens and exemplary members of their families and of their society, but to do so in a manner consistent with the teachings of Christ. How many of us are really living like this? What if becoming more likable by being exemplary members of family and society is the best way to promote the Gospel message?

3. How we respond to hatred makes us likable. Scripture warns Christians they will be hated by the world (John 15:19) but notice how the exact passage warning Christians of impending hatred also commands them to love one another. In this passage, the stark contrast between the love of Christ and the hate of the world is the same contrast that should be made between the world and Christians. Even when Jesus was most hated, he never stopped being likable. He never stopped being generous with everything he had, engaging others in conversation, celebrating and mourning with others, and liking other people, even those who were most awful to him. When it came time for his life to end, Jesus continued to be generous and gracious, even with those who were killing him. When we are hated by the world, and wonder how we should

CONCLUSION

respond, we should look to Jesus as our example. Despite being hated, we should continue to be likable.

4. We once belonged to the world who hates us. Christians often use the animosity of the world to justify their animosity in return, but the animosity of non-believers should never surprise us. It should seem familiar to us. Though Christians do not belong to the world, it is not because they have never belonged. It is but because, Jesus avers, “ have chosen you out of the world.” Christians cannot think of themselves as intrinsically superior. We must remain ever conscious that by nature we are, with all others, ‘objects of wrath’ (Eph. 2:3).

5. The church’s relationship with the nonChristian community matters. In 1 Thesselonians 4:10-12 Paul urges Christians (parakaloumen) to do four things that he believes will “win the respect of outsiders” and allow the community to “not be dependent on anybody” (v 12). The four initiatives are as follows: n To abound more (in love). n To aspire to live a quiet life. n To attend to their own business. n To work with their own hands.

As I read these commands I can’t help but think how many parallels and connections there are with being likable. Again, the idea is not that a person can make everybody like them, all the time, or even that hatred and animosity won’t be part of the reality. The point is to live in harmony with others as much as it depends on you (Rom 12:16).

6. Still preach the gospel. The last thing I want is for you to finish this book and become a people-pleaser, scared to preach the gospel for fear it might offend others. Although Paul urged believers to live a “quiet” life, I don’t believe he was suggesting we tone down our boldness when it came

CONCLUSION

to sharing the name of Jesus Christ. Even Paul’s life and testimony would suggest otherwise. Being “likable” does not mean being agreeable and flexible about everything, or abandoning our convictions. Instead I believe we should, like Paul, busy ourselves with the delicate task of proclaiming divine rule while living under the Roman rule (or the “rule” of our current culture and government). Not everyone will like us, but it won’t be because we weren’t generous with our resources, or we didn’t engage them in conversation, or because we thought more highly of ourselves than we did of others. I hope this book has been helpful for you.