Lemonade Legend Leaders

Success and Sex:

Cornerstones of My Journey By Aislinn Ellis

I will forever be indebted to Michelle Faust and the experience of writing my story in The Lemonade Stand. Coming to terms with my story and putting it into words has been so healing and life changing. There’s something very therapeutic about literally leaving your pain on a shelf and having a tangible way of identifying what happened to me then and I’m moving on from that.

It’s coming up on a year since my chapter hit the world and my life continues to amaze me!

Since connecting with my story I have been on a mission to understand how it has shaped me, what I desire and what I need in my life to feel content. I’ve overcome both sexual and physical abuse. Today I’m learning to overcome emotional abuse. Part of what comes after healing and self discovery is self care. To this day I know my mother has no idea what that is. I’ve never been close enough to females before to talk about personal things and I’ve been mostly isolated and independent from the world around me. I’ve known only how to give myself to others and how to please people so they’d see value in me. That is about as unhealthy as one can get. I’ve always been afraid to expend any energy into myself. Afraid that would only create more drama and chaos. That it was selfish and conceited to improve myself. As a young, attractive female there were many times when I felt my looks and false perception of confidence were the root causes of my problems. If I were ugly, men wouldn’t seek me out to hurt me, they wouldn’t try to squash my confidence by using physical power over me. If I were overweight, men couldn’t throw me around. If I closed my emotions off to the world, men couldn’t use them against me. These are the subconscious thoughts that raced through my mind for years. As a result, I never waxed my eyebrows, did my nails, wore make-up, or dressed more than comfort. I put on weight after my first husband treated me like his personal punching bag. I didn’t talk to people about myself at all. I barely even looked them in the eyes.

Men had become the enemy in my life and I let myself fall victim to them repeatedly.

I let my experiences with the men in my life shape me and I felt powerless in doing so. That has come to an end and I’m learning more about myself and what it means to take care of myself. Let me tell you, it has not been easy and is not for the faint of heart. I have great desires for success and sex that I’m only beginning to understand. In my current relationship it has been a source of pain for nearly a year. As I became more successful and in tune with myself, I started communicating my deepest desires. Things I’ve never shared with a partner before. A part of me wishes I hadn’t because it has stirred up the status quo in the home that he and I share. When I first met him, we had sex nearly every day. I enjoyed being close to him a great deal. He’s tall, athletic, charming

and easy on the eyes. Why wouldn’t I? Unfortunately, by communicating my intimate desires, our relationship shifted in a negative way.

I remember the day when something changed. It was like a switch got flipped on inside me. I was finally able to put words to what I was feeling and wanting. Oddly enough it was with a client. Up until March of this year with the explosion and fear surrounding Covid-19, I had a successful business working as a Professional Organizer. As I was working with this client, she and I started to talk about ourselves. Most people don’t realize the very nature of my job is very intimate and this client, as afraid as she was, found enough comfort in me to have a very raw and honest conversation surrounding sex and her journey with it. I felt instantly at ease and connected as she and I shared such similar thoughts and experiences. I recall feeling; finally I don’t feel so alone, I don’t feel ashamed or dirty for how I enjoy being touched and how often I want to be touched. There are women out there who feel like I do and who want what I want when it comes to intimacy and sex with a partner.

I enjoy sex…there I said it! Do you?

Since then that client has become a close friend and she’s helped as I’ve reached deep inside my thoughts and talked to other women I know, trust and love. I was shocked by how much that hurt! As a result, I now realize how difficult it is for a female to connect with another female if they don’t share something similar in their backgrounds. Having been abused the way I was it has shaped many unhealthy habits. Isolating and reversing them is something I may end up doing until my end of days. I’ve opened up to and have spoken with women who I would die for, only to feel humiliated and ashamed. It wasn’t that they were trying to hurt me; it wasn’t even that they were judging me. They simply couldn’t understand where I was coming from.

I’ve spent a lot of quarantine time researching, conversing and experimenting with what I enjoy. The most important thing so far has been how to have real, raw and honest conversations about it with women, men and even my adult son. According to research published in September 2012, people who are more comfortable with sexual communication are happier with their sex lives and I’m determined to be one of them. Being a successful woman shouldn’t mean we have to compromise when we’re naked. That’s when we should be able to relax and just be our truest selves. Whether it’s with a long term partner, a husband, a different guy every night, or even by yourself, taking the lead when it comes to how you are pleased and communicating your specific desires is life changing and an absolute part of self care. Let’s change the conversations and maybe then we’ll see a different world where sex is strictly for pleasure and connecting instead of it being used for power and pain.