Success and Sex: Cornerstones of My Journey By Aislinn Ellis
I will forever be indebted to Michelle Faust and the experience of writing my story in The Lemonade Stand. Coming to terms with my story and putting it into words has been so healing and life changing. There’s something very therapeutic about literally leaving your pain on a shelf and having a tangible way of identifying what happened to me then and I’m moving on from that. It’s coming up on a year since my chapter hit the world and my life continues to amaze me! Since connecting with my story I have been on a mission to understand how it has shaped me, what I desire and what I need in my life to feel content. I’ve overcome both sexual and physical abuse. Today I’m learning to overcome emotional abuse. Part of what comes after healing and self discovery is self care. To this day I know my mother has no idea what that is. I’ve never been close enough to females before to talk about personal things and I’ve been mostly isolated and independent from the world around me. I’ve known only how to give myself to others and how to please people so they’d see value in me. That is about as unhealthy as one can get. I’ve always been afraid to expend any energy into myself. Afraid that would only create more drama and chaos. That it was selfish and conceited to improve myself. As a young, attractive female there were many times when I felt my looks and false perception of confidence were the root causes of my problems. If I were ugly, men
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wouldn’t seek me out to hurt me, they wouldn’t try to squash my confidence by using physical power over me. If I were overweight, men couldn’t throw me around. If I closed my emotions off to the world, men couldn’t use them against me. These are the subconscious thoughts that raced through my mind for years. As a result, I never waxed my eyebrows, did my nails, wore make-up, or dressed more than comfort. I put on weight after my first husband treated me like his personal punching bag. I didn’t talk to people about myself at all. I barely even looked them in the eyes. Men had become the enemy in my life and I let myself fall victim to them repeatedly. I let my experiences with the men in my life shape me and I felt powerless in doing so. That has come to an end and I’m learning more about myself and what it means to take care of myself. Let me tell you, it has not been easy and is not for the faint of heart. I have great desires for success and sex that I’m only beginning to understand. In my current relationship it has been a source of pain for nearly a year. As I became more successful and in tune with myself, I started communicating my deepest desires. Things I’ve never shared with a partner before. A part of me wishes I hadn’t because it has stirred up the status quo in the home that he and I share. When I first met him, we had sex nearly every day. I enjoyed being close to him a great deal. He’s tall, athletic, charming
