04/21/2016 by Michigan Tech Lode

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Virus infects Lode

Alex Petan elevated to Godhood

The infected and their dinner Photo by Nick Barber

Thursday, April 21

NEWS

Michigan Tech Lewd

President Trump: First 100 days

Trump’s inauguration on January 21, 2017. (Actually taken from a rally at Nathan Hale High School, Sunday, April 3, 2016, in West Allis Wisconsin). Courtesy of AP

Peter Nouhan News Editor Just under 100 days ago, Donald Trump was inaugurated as the forty-fifth president of the United States, and it hasn’t taken him very long to make America “great” again! Soon after his inauguration, Trump followed through with his promise to “open up our libel laws so when [the media] write purposely negative and horrible and false articles, we can sue them and win lots of money.” Trump convinced the Republicandominated Congress to pass his Prevent Libelous Media Act during his first week in office, a law that protects the integrity of politicians from “undue criticism” that might damage their reputation. Although the law is being challenged by the ACLU, the Supreme Court is likely to side with the new law since Trump nominated Judge Judy to replace the late Antonin Scalia, and Simon Cowell to replace the recently retired Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The Supreme Court is also unlikely to challenge Trump’s recent ban on the entrance of Muslims into the United States. The federal Immigration and Nationality Act, passed in 1952, effectively protects his power to suspend the entry of any foreigner or any class of foreigners for as long as he

deems necessary. Since it has been difficult for TSA agents to categorize travelers by their religion, they have decided to turn away anyone who “looks like a Muslim” (i.e. brown people). As a result, the U.S. has lost about a fourth of all of its medical graduates, who are primarily from India, the Philippines and Pakistan. Fortunately, the demand for doctors has decreased substantially since Trump repealed the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare), which resulted in over 11 million Americans losing their healthcare. Trump’s new signature healthcare law (Trumpuncare) will be rolling out later this year but the laws details are a bit vague. When asked for more information on Trumpuncare, Trump said that he will be replacing Obamacare “with something terrific, for far less money for the country and for the people.” Trump’s foreign policy has been all the rage around the world, literally. In March2017 Trump invaded Syria with 200,000 ground troops, destroyed the Islamic State and established a new regime headed by his son. Trump Jr. plans to build Syria’s new economy around luxurious Trump resorts in the cities that were flattened by the bombing campaign that ultimately destroyed ISIS. Additionally, President Trump is preparing to invade Iran. “We will totally dismantle Iran’s global terror network,” Trump said. Trump

selected Dick Cheney to lead the war effort, citing Cheney’s excellent marksmanship with shotguns. On the home front, Trump is tackling crime by empowering “law-abiding gun owners to defend themselves.” Simultaneously, he has empowered local and state law enforcement around the country with new federal funds for military grade equipment, including tanks and Predator drones. Using a combination of StingRay surveillance and drone strikes, the police around the country have finally found a way to reduce crime to historic lows by literally blowing away the criminals. The president is also proposing federal funds to expand the capabilities of the NSA to collect and monitor Internet communications saying, “I want surveillance and I don’t care.” Energy prices have reached all time lows thanks to Trump’s effort to reinvigorate the coal and natural gas industries and to dismantle the EPA, which he claims has been “an impediment to both growth and jobs.” Trump has blamed the higher rates of asthma and seasonal allergies on flu vaccines, which he also believes are a leading cause of autism. The president has signed off on legislation to defund green energy development saying that sources of “green energy” are “really just an expensive way of making the treehuggers feel good about themselves.” In response to rising sea levels on the coasts,

Trump has convinced the Republican congress to expand his wall construction project along the Mexico-U.S. border to include the border of the entire continental United States. Canada will be sponsoring the construction of the border wall along the U.S.-Canada border to deter the recent flood of Americans from escaping into Canada without a visa. To reinvigorate American education, Trump has elected Michele Bachmann as his Secretary of Education to oversee the transformation of education on the local level. In 2007, Bachmann voted against the College Cost Reduction and Access Act that would have made it more affordable for students to attend college, saying that “it favors the costly, government-run direct lending program over nonprofit and commercial lenders.” Her plan as Trump’s Secretary of Education is to direct federal funds to private online schooling so the government can pay fewer teachers and lower the costs of maintenance associated with brick and mortar schools. The first 100 days of Trump have proven that he has what it takes to make America great again. What could be better than having an America that’s white, uninsured, perpetually at war in the Middle East, constantly under surveillance, walled off from foreign ideas and people, and happily ignorant.

Michigan Tech Lewd

PROBABLY NEWS

Daily Bull wages war against tyranny

The Daily Bull’s Mascot.

Daniel Stockard News Writer MEMORIAL UNION BUILDING— Students were alarmed to hear what sounded like a grinding stone at work in MUB 106 this past week, prompting several annoyed scholars to put their headphones in. A courageous student worker sent to investigate the office found several Daily Bull writers huddled in their cubicle, sharpening Skyrim-like war axes and throwing darts at pictures of school authority figures. Editor-inChief Anonymous Student admitted that they had some ongoing beef with the people who made them attend draconian community conduct training.

“We’re trying to craft stories that rag on organizations we don’t like to make them look bad...” - Anonymous

“We have a serious axe to grind with those tyrants in USG and the administration,” he said, looking up from a copy of tomorrow’s Daily Bull. Anonymous added, “All we did was run one little article on rape, and they just ragged on us so hard— for like nothing. That email Les sent out was really

Courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

mean too.” He went on to describe the grueling hours of community training they endured, and having to master challenging concepts like why rape is not okay. With a look of outrage, Anonymous shared the consequences of their unjust treatment. “After that training bullcrap, they made us APOLOGIZE if we wanted to get our funding back,” he said, “I’m pretty sure that’s a violation of our rights or something.” He proceeded on a rant where he compared their situation with authorities imprisoning journalists in Iran. The conversation then transitioned to how the Daily Bull planned to fight back. “First off, we’re trying to craft stories that rag on organizations we don’t like to make them look bad, but we do it subtly,” he said with a wink. He finished typing his newest article and added a sprawling title of “Lode Writers Love Sucking Rods” to the top. This follows last week’s bit of insight entitled “USG Blows Even More.” When asked if any of their writers had personal reasons for writing stories that trash other organizations, Anonymous pivoted back to the issue of rights. “We have a first amendment right to publish whatever the heck we want; no matter how personal it might be,” he said, sheathing his war axe on his belt, “and now we’re going to start exercising another one of our rights and carry these axes with us, so everybody knows never to mess with us again.” When asked whether he thought the Daily Bull was still funny, Anonymous shrugged. He turned back to the Daily Bull issue and attempted to fix one of the many grammatical mistakes, but gave up soon thereafter.

Thursday, April 21

NEWS

Thursday, April 21

Virus infects Lode

Michigan Tech Lewd

Post-2016 election update Aaron Kostrzewa News Writer

The end of Aric Rhodes. May he rest in peace.

Jon Jaehnig News Writer Student designs camera that takes 360 degree pictures. Gives camera to Lode photographer to test. No one’s sure how it works. Doesn’t work anyway. Has unexpected side-effects. Rumor has it that’s how it all started. First Zombie supposedly still has awkward camera contraption stuck on head. Just a rumor. What I know for sure is most Lode Staff are now zombies. Should please editors. My theory: Camera story was a hoax. Lode created the virus. They’ve been looking for more writers all year, after all. Unsure how virus is transmitted. Outbreak has been mainly contained to area of Memorial Union Building. No zombies have left campus. Can’t make it past traffic. Unlike most zombies, Lode Zombies don’t attack indiscriminately. Only victims so far have been USG Members, Feminists and Daily Bull Staff. Business as usual, although Lode Zombies have recently acquired taste for University Professors and Administrators. Admin Building won’t be safe for long. Lucky it’s riot proof. Academic Offices Building not so lucky. Too bad most hated professors are in STEM Departments. Many events continue to occur on campus uninterrupted. Lode Zombies are largely unaware of most student activities.

Courtesy of Nick Barber (thanks for helping us out so spontaneously)

“How long ago did this happen?,” asked third year chemical engineering major Todd Andrews. “I haven’t noticed any zombies.” Andrews must have been away from campus if he hasn’t yet encountered the Zombies. “How do I even tell Lode Writers when I see them? Do they wear fedoras, with ‘press’ tags?” Andrews asked. Lode Writers do not wear fedoras. Except for some in the opinion section. “Of all of the student organizations to develop a Zombie Virus, this is probably the best, in terms of student casualties,” explained Professor Sonador Ochefski, of the Secondary Education Program. “If you look at their attack patterns, they tend to primarily antagonize either authority figures or, smaller and more vulnerable campus groups. If the virus had originated in the Daily Bull office, it might mean the end of the world.” Ochefski made it past the Lode Zombies to escape to the Harold Meese Center, which is both across the highway, and unknown to most students, making it very safe. In case this somehow gets printed, here is a list of how to tell Lode Zombies by their actions: Lode Zombies will: • Ask you for your name, year and major, probably in that order. • Ask your opinion on obscure topics that you probably have no opinion on.

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Use profiling to ensure that you represent a unique opinion, or student demographic. Manage to spell your last name correctly, while misspelling many other commonly used words. Steal photos and comics from the Internet to fill space.

Lode Zombies will not: • Ask you for your email, phone number, address etc. • Ask you for any personal photos. • Present any proof at all that they are really with the Lode. In the library now. Plan to print final Lode issue of the semester. Need to let the public know what happened. Most Lode writers submitted their stories before being infected. Or after. Difficult to say. Not sure where the Lode is published from. Not aware of printing press on campus. No one left to ask. Not sure Lode has a faculty advisor. Only options are to send to the Printing Shop Downtown, or use university printers, and just skimp on color. Best case scenario: Lode Zombies are stopped, or starved from lack of news over summer. Worst case scenario: Lode Zombies maintain control of campus. Turn campus into Male Dominated Socialist Miniature City-State. Save yourselves! I’ll hold them back.

It’s been 100 days since Donald Trump became president after paying every American $1 million to vote for him. Some might call Trump’s move bribery but he called it, “The most strategic move anyone has made in the history of all time.” Trump is now $3 trillion in debt from the move. Furthermore, he also had to pay for the wall between Mexico and the U.S. because Congress turned it down on day one of Trump’s presidency, and Mexico said, “No” when asked to pay for it. Ironically, after seven days of the Mexicans walking along the wall, it collapsed. Hillary Clinton is now in prison after facing criminal charges for having a second private server in her home. Reports show that this server allowed her to secretly create a Tinder account behind Bill’s back. Perhaps she wanted revenge after Mr. Clinton’s affair in the Oval Office during his presidency. Five hundred thirty-two executives have come forward to admit having an affair with Hillary over the past twelve months during her run for presidency. Some sources are claiming that this is why she was paid $100,000’s to speak at corporate events. After being kicked out of the Presidential Race, Ted Cruz was feeling down in the dumps, but his plans were foiled. His story about being born in Canada was just a ploy to cover up his actual birth and childhood in North Korea, under the guidance of Kim Jong Un. Background researchers are discovering that, if Cruz were elected President, the U.S. would have fallen under North Korea’s reign. Bernard Sanders gave Trump a good run for his money, actually he didn’t since Trump’s net worth is 30,000 times that of Sanders, but in the end he was unable to pull through with his campaign. After losing he decided it was time to settle down and drop out of Congress. Colonel Sanders’ Chicken is the the restaurant he started on the side. Unfortunately, he was sued by KFC in his first month of business for copyright infringement. After trying to follow what would have been his own policies, he went bankrupt. Paying $15 an hour to his employees, 50 percent to the government in taxes, and giving out half of his chicken for free proved to put him in serious financial troubles. Nobody cares about John Kasich so no report will be given on him.

Michigan Tech Lewd

PROBABLY NEWS

Thursday, April 21 5

The noble Tech’s new major: Anti-Vaxxers: crusade against science Wall engineering Amanda Charboneau

Sumit Pant News Writer

While the whole campus of Michigan Tech was busy celebrating Spring Fling on April 15, 2016, University President Glenn Mroz announced the grand opening of a new department, Wall Engineering. After more than 130 years since its inception, Michigan Tech has finally decided to open a new department for the upcoming challenges in the wall construction industry. Michigan Tech is preparing for the wall construction and maintenance that will go along with President Trump’s plans for a wall along the Mexico-U.S. border. Surely a wall can be built, but it’s not nearly as simple as Trump says it will be. A wall is a conglomeration of numerous bureaucratic, diplomatic, environmental, monetary, logistic and an engineering hurdle which needs to be overcome. President Mroz further explained that since last October he has joined a team of researchers that have been assessing the scenario. They are actively communicating with National Autonomous University of Mexico. Following 8 rounds of diplomatic talks, the University of Mexico has agreed to fund the new department’s construction. Compensation to the professors and stipends to the upcoming students will amount to $2.5 billion. Mroz, who was excited after the major announcement, told us, “NAUM’s going to pay for the department. I love Mexican students, I respect their professors’, but our new administrative department is much sharper, much smarter and more cunning than the previous presidents MTU has had.” The new department construction contract has been given to a Chinese company (name not disclosed), which

is owned by the descendants of Qin Shi Huangdi, the emperor of China who built the Great Wall of China. In an interview with the Chinese company, the Managing Director said, “the best architectural feature of the building is that there will be no entry doors on the rear of the building.” Dr. David W. Hand has been appointed as the new interim departmental chair of the Wall Engineering Department. He stepped down as the chair of the civil engineering department on April 18, 2016. When asked how excited he was with the new offers he said, “when Civil Engineering sends its graduates to build a wall, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems into the wall construction industry. They’re bringing poor GPA’s. They’re bringing poor concepts. And some, I assume, are good engineers.” Anurag Upadhyay, a graduate student at Michigan Tech said, “I feel bad that I joined Electrical Engineering department two years back. This department is a loser. The beauty of me is that I am very smart. And I am undergoing a feeling that I am on a downward spiral towards a career that has no new challenges. I wish I could have joined the Wall Engineering Department. Anyways I will be planning to join as a Ph.D. student as soon as I repay my student loans which might take around 32 years.” The successstory of Michigan Tech has created a fury amongst the nation’s top engineering colleges including MIT, Stanford and Caltech, leaving them with a feeling of indignation. When asked for her opinion on the reaction of these top engineering schools, Michigan Tech’s Provost Dr. Jacquelin E. Huntoon said, “And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.”

Michigan Tech Lode

News Writer

America knows science is evil. That’s why we don’t fly in metal death machines claimed to be “safe.” It is also why no one drinks the fluoride filled water that is “supposed to make our teeth healthy,” when everyone knows that fluoride is part of a government mind control project. Well, an up and coming group just discovered another way scientists have been secretly controlling the world: vaccinations.

The scientists are in line with the government and have inflitrated the school system.

Humans have lived practically forever without vaccines. We have immune systems to fight off diseases, and the weak ones die so that they won’t pass on their weak immune systems. Scientists, however, have been selling diseases to hospitals and doctors so that they will inject the population and make us weaker. What should you do? You should throw out your hand sanitizer, stop washing your hands, stop coddling your immune system. Even eating dirt will help you get your immune system back in shape. Did you get sick? Don’t lock yourself indoors. Invite all your friends over and expose them to your germs. Help them build up their immunity to germs the healthy and natural way. If they get sick too then that means they were weak and will come back

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stronger. The scientists are in line with the government and have infiltrated the school system. Now most public schools won’t let your children attend unless they have been injected with immune system killers. If that is the case in your state feel free to homeschool your children. This way they won’t be brainwashed with government approved content or subjected to vaccines. If you feel really passionate about keeping the world safe from the science menace there is a group that would love to have you. They are called the Anti-Vaxxers. The Anti-Vaxxers are with you and are for world health and against vaccinations. With the Anti-Vaxxers you can have your own group to help you survive. With them you can enjoy road trips to Oregon where you could search for some natural exposure to the bubonic plague. You can sleep in small pox blankets, and share beverages with everyone to get exposure to mono. Just be sure to stay out of Uganda. They’re so against the righteous movement of the Anti-Vaxxers that Uganda will throw parents in jail for not vaccinating their children. Australia is also an enemy of the movement, refusing to pay child care benefits to parents of unvaccinated children. Even presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are supportive of this movement. Cruz believes in people’s choice and Trump has been a member since 2007. Anti-Vaxxers rally under the truth that vaccines cause autism. Which has to be true since the government claims it doesn’t. AntiVaxxers have a difficult time getting scientists to produce the correct results even when they help fund them. This must be because scientists are so against the movement. Did you get meningitis? Don’t worry. It’ll all be over in 24 hours. Just remember it’s because your immune system was weakened by generations of vaccines. Not because you didn’t get the vaccine.

Opinions expressed in the Lode are not necessarily those of the student body, faculty, staff or administration of Michigan Technological University or the Michigan Tech Lode. The Lode is designed, written and edited by Michigan Tech students. The paper is printed every Tuesday during fall and spring semesters. The Lode is available free of charge at drop-off sites around campus and in the surrounding community. To the best of its ability, The Lode subscribes to the Code of Ethics of the Society of Professional

Journalists. The Lode is funded in part by the Michigan Tech Student Activity Fee. 1. lodeads@mtu.edu for submitting ads to the Lode. 2. lodesubmit@mtu.edu for submitting articles and letters to the editor. Work submitted to the Lode should be submitted with the understanding that it may be printed by the Lode and/or posted to the Online Lode, www. mtulode.com. The Lode reserves the right to edit submissions for length, clarity and potentially libelous material. Submissions should not exceed 500 words.

Thursday, April 21

NEWS

Michigan Tech Lewd

On a serious note... The Rozsa Rupsa Basu Spotlight: wins MTU 3MT Unsung hero competition Evan Mayer News Writer The audience may have been applauding the cast and crew of the Winter’s Tale following each of their performances a few weeks ago, but the real unsung hero and the star that truly shines the brightest of the production asks for no recognition. The Rozsa Spotlight, the difference maker between a dark stage and the scene being lit up like the Fourth of July, had “one of the most spot on performances one will ever see,” a local reviewer raved. This came as no surprise to the crew at the Rozsa Center as they have always known that they have one of the most underrated spotlights in the region, if not the country.

“It’s difficult not to look away when someone screws up on stage...” - Spotlight

In fact the Spotlight has had several offers extended to him in past years about potentially moving up to the big leagues. “A few Broadway productions have invited me to try out to be their spotlight, but I haven’t been able to take them up on any, mainly because I require a person to physically move me,” said the Spotlight. “So I’m just rooted in this here spot and as the classic saying goes you either live free or you light hard.” With movies being the go-to form of theater today, the art of spotlighting, or optical illumination as members of the field call it, has severely dropped off compared to its peak in the first half of the 1900s. The result is that many

spotlights that are still in commission tend to be pushed beyond their normal workloads. This sees many putting in overtime as some work as many as four to five different productions at one time. The Rozsa Spotlight is oh too familiar with how that goes. “Are spotlights historically exploited? You bet! Think about the bat signal, good luck communicating with Bruce Wayne without it, Commissioner Gordon! But does it ever get the tip of a cowl or a job well done? I don’t think so,” the Spotlight said. “You don’t get into optical illumination for the praise, you do this because it is what you are made to do, both literally and figuratively,” the Spotlight said, shedding some light on the dark side of its career choice. The Spotlight finds ways to cope though. “When I am really feeling underappreciated, I just go and take a good hard look in the mirror and just for those couple of minutes, I’m finally the one in the spotlight.” It could always be worse though. The Spotlight’s cousin got hired to work at a prison out in Utah. “Those spotlights that are used on the guard towers at prisons probably think I am living the high life.” The Spotlight business isn’t all gloom and doom though. The favorite part of his job when he decides what people focus on. The Spotlights always have a large part in what people see or don’t see, but with great wattage comes great responsibility. “It’s difficult not to look away when someone screws up on stage. I want to keep watching them and laugh at their mistakes, but I know deep down I should focus somewhere else. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.” With summer approaching, the Spotlight is planning on taking it easy for a few months and maybe catch a few workshops to work on its craft. Spotlighting season runs pretty much from October to April so now that the Spotlight finally gets some free time he is looking forward to doing some of the more classic spotlight pastimes like shine for deer. What is certainly in the Spotlights plans is to return to the Rozsa Center next year to ensure that the future of Michigan Tech Performing Arts stays bright.

Peter Nouhan News Editor Last week on Thursday, April 14, Michigan Tech hosted the (Three Minute Thesis) competition, a research communication competition developed by the University of Queensland, Australia. PhD student Rupsa Basu won the competition, earning both the first place prize of $500 and the people’s choice award for $100. The competition tasks PhD students to describe their research within three minutes to a general audience using only one static PowerPoint slide. Rupsa, a member of the department of biological sciences, competed against 14 other PhD students who come from a number of different departments at Tech.

“Nobody has developed any vaccines for the disease so far, so it’s our current lab focus.” - Rupsa Basu

Rupsa’s thesis topic is related to developing vaccines for viral diseases and oncoviruses, which lead to cancer. Working with Dr. Ebenezer Tumban, she develops virus-like particles, which are non-infections, to develop vaccines that can target human papillomavirus. The particles mimic the real virus because they contain the antigens (viral proteins) that are associated with the virus and trigger an immune response in the host. Rupsa is also working on developing a vaccine for the Zika virus, “nobody has developed any vaccines for this disease so far, so it’s our current lab focus.” The World Health organization recently confirmed that Zika leads to birth defects

Rupsa Basu

Courtesy of Peter Nouhan

and mortality in infants. Rupsa has a number of recommendations for other students who would like to succeed in the 3MT competition. “Try until you succeed… sometimes it’s worth taking the risk, if you succeed it’s an achievement and if not, it’s a lesson,” she said. Rupsa has also had practice presenting posters. Last year she attended a conference at University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, hosted by the American Society of Microbiology. Her poster concentrated on vaccine development for HPV. Rupsa has worked with Tumban for two years now, saying “he is extremely supportive and it’s only because of his constant guidance that I could achieve what I have so far,” she said. After she graduates from Michigan Tech, Rupsa plans to apply to the University of Pennsylvania as a postdoctoral scientist where she can continue her biotechnology research. Eventually she hopes to gain the necessary skills to become an entrepreneur, developing new treatments for cancer in industry.

PULSE

Michigan Tech Lewd

Anti-feminist convention Will Gosby Federal Boobie Inspector “If your genitals don’t hang, you’re not in the gang,” read the massive sign posted outside the Memorial Union Building during this year’s Anti-Feminist Convention. Painted in crooked red letters, it stood as a relic of a bygone era, reminiscent of the “no girls allowed” flyers one might find plastered on a child’s treehouse. Although a few women could be seen mingling in the MUB commons, each wore a t-shirt with a slogan regarding their inherent lack of need for the feminist movement. “I don’t need feminism because I like being second choice for jobs in STEM fields even when I have the same credentials as male candidates,” remarked Ivanna Mannchild, first-year student. “Why go for the gold when silver matches your skintone better?” “I’m an anti-feminist because Donald Trump is an anti-feminist,” a second-year student in a confederate flag shirt said. “It was the Donald who once said, ‘It doesn’t matter what the media writes as long as you have a young and beautiful piece of ass.’ I live by those words. I’m currently single, but if you know any hot high schoolers, hit me up.” Although many creative responses were given by convention-goers in regard to their reasoning for joining the anti-feminist

New report: Migraines suck My Head In Pain Right Now

In what Pulse Editors across the Lode Office are calling “a huge fucking pain,” I have a really killer migraine right now. Reports are conflicted about whether the growing nausea, inability to think clearly or the throbbing pain itself is the worst part of this whole thing. God knows I’m not driving. Experts have described the fact that I’m even here at all right now as, “pretty goddamn stupid,” and “shouldn’t you go home and get some rest?” Several surveys have indicated that there’s totally someone willing to drive you home, with some commentators suggesting that, “seriously, I can totally finish your section for you.” The most recent poll of blood vessels in my wrist showed a pretty elevated heart rate, and maybe I should sit down. Sources close to the story have strongly implied that my next course of action will be to take a nap. In unrelated new, I love you guys.

movement, the true heart of the issue can be easily summed up by student and organization leader Guy Chad.

“If she [Hillary Clinton] can’t satisfy her husband, there’s no way she’ll be able to satisfy America.”

- Organization leader Guy Chad “I just don’t really understand what women are complaining about,” said Chad. “It seems to me that all feminists just hate men. All women make sweeping generalizations. That’s the problem with them, really. No matter what you give them, they complain that their hygiene products are unfairly taxed, or that they’re harassed when they breastfeed their infants in public, or that they think they should represent more than 20% of congress. I mean, come on. We’ve already provided them with so much. I don’t care if the official definition of feminism is ‘the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds

of political, social, and economic equality to men.’ I choose to believe all feminists are misandrists because a couple of them offended me in the comments section of the ‘Blurred Lines’ music video.” In addition to Chad’s rousing speeches, one could also be entertained by the numerous booths set up around the MUB commons. These booths provided informational pamphlets, games and even anti-feministthemed foods. The most popular among the attractions included a game in which people adhered duct tape to the mouth of a Gloria Steinem lookalike, a free giveaway of “Men Are Better Than Women” by Dick Masterson, and a massive plate of deviled eggs arranged to look like exposed breasts. With such fun, tasteful events, it’s no wonder that more than a tenth of Michigan Tech’s student population attended the expo. “Next year,” Chad told The Lewd, “we’re looking to expand our horizons. I guess it all depends on who wins the election. I just pray to God it’s not that heifer Hillary Clinton. If she can’t satisfy her husband, there’s no way she’ll be able to satisfy America.” For more news on the anti-feminist movement, readers are encouraged to contact Guy Chad. Although he was fairly vague as to his contact information, he did make a point of mentioning that he has a very popular Tinder account.

Portage Lift Bridge fails test, placed on academic probation Pavis Trierce Bridge Enthusiast

The Portage Lift Bridge failed yet another of its ongoing tests this last week, sending its semester GPA below 2.0, said sources close to the crumbling infrastructure. This latest setback sends the only access point to the northern Keweenaw Peninsula into academic probation, and at serious risk of further academic consequences. “Of course we want every student and lift bridge at Michigan Tech to succeed,” said Dean of Students Bonnie Gorman. “Our goal is always to work with the struggling student, or lift bridge, and solve the underlying issues.” Counseling Services declined to comment on the situation, citing privacy concerns, but the Lode’s merciless paparazzi followed the oversized gangplank into the elevator where it jammed the button for the third floor and looked at us uncomfortably. The span’s deteriorating condition has

been obvious for quite some time, and has even prompted an $8.4 million preventative maintenance program to prevent this very problem from occurring. Unless it shapes up, the Portage Lift Bridge can face serious consequences. The Bridge will be prohibited from registering for more than 16 credits next fall. Should their cumulative GPA not rise above 2.0 after another semester, the Bridge could fall into academic suspension and not be allowed to register for classes for a full semester. A second round of academic suspension involves sitting out for two full semesters, and a third semester below 2.0 results in academic dismissal. It may be possible for the Portage Lift Bridge to appeal any decisions handed down by the Dean of Students office by documenting unusual or extenuating circumstances, such as the hundreds of cars that drive across it every day. Many other students spend days, weeks or even months in the hospital after being run over by even one car.

Thursday, April 21

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Your mom Gerard Butler Turtles, if you look at them the right way The Lode editors (I’m talking about you, Shan. ;) ) Fried eggs The sun My mom The mafia Cara Delevingne, some people say. But I don’t. Guy Chad Fieri Some scenes of Footloose (if you’re blindfolded) A slinky in a microwave Human blood My mixtape Shark people The cast of Mike & Molly Reverse ice cream Your sister. No, I mean the other one. She’s your cousin? I had no idea. How awkward. Shirtless Dave The opposite of man buns Nikola Tesla Blizzard T. Husky Em dashes Aric’s bald head People who take their coffee black Double-dog dares Lit Hanukkah candles YouTube videos of people whispering about sponges Trendy diseases White t-shirts. Source: Elle Magazine. Katherine Hepburn’s corpse Psychic-type Pokémon The entire city of Los Angeles, inexplicably Norwegian Forest Cats Stealing your coworker’s lip balm Waiting for everyone to leave before you pee in a public restroom Colonel Roy Mustang Dogs that can play volleyball Silent dance parties Every media type except print E-cards from your dad Saying “that’s ironic” when things are merely coincidental Zombies

HOW bad is this newspaper? WHAT punishment do we deserve? ANYTHING is on the table. Know that you could do it better? Shut up. This isn’t a contest. Don’t email me. I’m not interested.

Thursday, April 21

PULSE

Michigan Tech Lewd

The Festival of Grade Haggling Forestry majors count plants Jemima Cornsworth Obscure Festival Correspondent

Beads of sweat run down the foreheads of nervous students. Professors glare with unrelentingly furious eyes. The desk separating them may only be two feet wide, but it feels like an ocean. The annual Festival of Grade Haggling has begun. The Festival of Grade Haggling has been a fixture at Michigan Technological University since its inception in 1885. Originally, students would haggle professors over the amount of pasties a student was to receive at the end of the semester. At least 18 pasties were required for a passing grade. Today, students and teachers use a different form of currency: percentage points. “I haggle with my professors over my grades every spring semester,” said participant Mack Pear. “It’s the only way you can pass around here. I even know a few kids who resorted to bribery. Of course, I never did, unless you include sexual favors.” On average, each Michigan Tech student spends a mean of six hours per professor on grade haggling. Some students even spend as many as 100 hours on this arduous process every year. The current record-holder is Connor Hagglestein with a total of 460 hours of dickering under his belt. He set the record in 2015 and intends to break it again this Finals Week.

margin of between five and ten percent. If you have to, carry onions in your pockets and covertly wave them around your eyes. If you’re not willing to cry, you’re not ready to haggle.” Unfortunately, not all professors are willing to participate in the Festival of Grade Haggling. For example, Professor Chet Cheesehead refuses to engage in any haggling practice of any sort. “Where I’m from, the education system is, well, really bad. I’d use a better word than ‘bad,’ but I grew up there. We don’t do no hagglin’ where I’m from. We just do a lot of milking. We don’t know how to do math, so haggling is really not a concept we understand. We can waggle. We can straggle. But we definitely do not haggle,” said Professor Cheesehead. Other professors, however, take to the haggling process like ducks into water. “I love the haggle system,” said Dr. John Weasel. “It allows me to justify giving students atrocious grades all semester long. The ones who really care will light themselves on fire and jump off my roof. The ones who don’t care will resort to simple stalking. It really lets me weed out who deserves an A and who deserves to pay.” The haggling period only lasts until final grades are posted, so if you’re interested in a bit of negotiation, be sure to make an appointment with your professors soon. Their tolerance is limited.

“If you’re not willing to cry, you’re not ready to haggle.”

- Connor Hagglestein, reiging haggle king “The key to successful grade haggling is persistence,” said Hagglestein at the Grade Haggling Convention. “My strategy is twofold. First, I aggravate my professors with whining and tantrumlike behavior. Some may think this is a mistake, but it really is quite necessary for the set-up. After about an hour, professors will respond by telling you that they’re going to lower your grade by ten percent if you don’t leave. Don’t give in. Tell them that’s fine; you didn’t want to graduate college anyway. The final step is crying. Cry like a tiny child. Cry like your pet hamster died because you accidentally sat on him. Cry like you’ve never cried before. If you cry enough, they’ll agree to raise your grade by a

Hagglestein’s secret weapon. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Corporation.

Baul Punyan Certified Lumbersexual “It’s been a great year to be a forestry major,” said third-year student Jack Lumber. Jack, along with his compatriots in the Forestry Department, had been in the woodlands for many hours by the time The Lewd staff found them. Most of them were caked in dirt, sunburned and covered in the blood of forest-dwelling creatures, but they didn’t seem to mind. Jack adjusted his man bun and stroked his patchy beard. He had the charm of a folk hero and the hair of a samurai. “I know we forestry majors have a reputation for a certain dumbness, but that just is not an accurate picture of us. We can actually count to very high numbers and we’re proving that with our latest project,” Jack said. “The PCI, or Plant Counting Initiative, is probably the most important thing we’ve ever done.” “I’ve never counted so many things in my entire life,” said rookie Forestry major Jenny Woods. “I’ve counted 60 trees already today. I can’t wait to start counting shrubs, but Jack says I’m not ready for that yet.” Jack threw an affectionate arm over Jenny’s shoulder. “Jenny is one of our best up-andcomers,” Jack said, “and she can already count trees better than most graduates.” The PCI has been ongoing since 2012,

but is just now starting to make headway. Despite many setbacks, such as participants forgetting numbers before they had time to write them down, plants dying over the course of the project, and regular seasonal changes, members of the Forestry Department are still charging on with absolutely no direction. “We’ve got people all over the country,” said Jack proudly. “We even arranged for someone to count the plants in Area 51, but we haven’t heard back from him yet.” The expertise of the forestry majors was frankly beyond belief. To the amazement of The Lewd staff, they could identify the differences between flowers, trees and even fungi. While only the forestry faculty could determine which trees were conifers and which were evergreens, the students showed great promise in their budding abilities. The PCI is expected to be completed in 2036 and has a total budget of over $3 million. Of course, this meant the Forestry Department had to cut some faculty members, but the sacrifice was well-received by the students. “I know people are worried about this, but they really shouldn’t be,” said Professor Woody Park. “All we had to do to provide the funding for the PCI was to permanently cut our botany class. I don’t see the problem with that. Botany is incredibly boring.” You’ll hear no arguments from us, Professor Park.

Michigan Tech Lewd

PULSE

Thursday, April 21

Gym Leader Challenge: Not a cover-up? nonetheless there were many challengers who appeared just as soon as the doors were opened. The event itself lasted until after 5 pm, by which point some of the Gym Leaders had started protesting in favor of leaving to eat dinner, but other than that slight hiccup things went pretty well overall. Challengers and Leaders went head-to-head with their strongest teams all half-of-the-day, apparently forgetting they could just stop and take

“In the shortest but most entertaining battle of the day, she stomped him with a team of six Arceus.”

Artist’s rendition of the Gym Leader Challenge.

Ashmanda Ketchum Pokémon Expert

or the first time in an entire year, all of the Gym Leaders in the general Houghton region and surrounding area had gathered themselves into one large, central room on-campus. This may or may not have been because they only met once this year, due to a decision that was in no way influenced by the rumors of an ongoing zombie outbreak. Sources were insistent that there was no correlation, and that we should pay no attention to what was “clearly just a hoax, I think.” Technicalities aside, last weekend was the event that the Pokémon League at Michigan Tech proudly called the Gym Leader Challenge, where the strongest trainers in the area were encouraged to drop by Rekhi 101 and to prove that they’re the very best. And indeed, the people did come. The room was packed nearly full with aspiring trainers from all over the Michigan Tech campus. Greeted by a chipper and friendly Gym Guide at the door, every challenger was given the rundown of what trials they might face: each leader’s type, their

Photo courtesy of A. J. Pattersmirk.

preferred battle format, and the sort of strategies to expect. Also, she happily handed everyone a Fresh Water. Can’t forget the free Fresh Water.

“Other trainers, on the other hand, stuck around even after they had earned all eight badges fair and square. One challenger in particular seemed confident enough to request a difficulty spike. ”

Intense battles ensued as early as 11 in the morning, which you’d think is pretty unreasonable on a Saturday, but

a snack break at any time, and in the end only a small handful of trainers walked out with all eight of the Houghton Area gym badges in hand. By this, we mean some of them literally walked out. We don’t know where they were going. It’s safe to hope they were heading home, and not looking for an Elite Four, because we don’t have one of those and they’d probably be REALLY disappointed when they figured that out. Other trainers, on the other hand, stuck around even after they had earned all eight badges fair and square. One challenger in particular seemed confident enough to request a difficulty spike in the teams of his opponents, apparently determined enough to win again nonetheless. After enough of his persisting, though none of the Gym Leaders themselves seemed interested, everyone’s favorite Gym Guide decided to finally humor this kid. “It’s a beautiful day outside, huh?” she mentioned, opening with a bit of small talk as he prepped his team. In the shortest but most entertaining battle of the day, she stomped him with a team of six Arceus.

Thursday, April 21

COMICS

Michigan Tech Lode

I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’, so I think it transferred correctly. Comic courtesy of XKCD

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Our house has just three simple rules: 1. Towels go in the basement hamper. 2. Minotaurs are equal members of society and deserve our respect. 3. No shoes on the carpet.

BE READY

PUZZLES

Puzzles Edited by Will Shortz

EXPANDED WORLDVIEW

43 It’s sold by the yard 44 If all else fails 47 Actor Morales 48 *Progress

91 Result of

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Sunday, April 10, 2016 21

Sudoku - Puzzles and Games - NYTimes.com

ACROSS 25 aren't so bad!" 1 "Things 8 Memorable mission 29 13 Napoleon, for one 19 Head of the army? Jerusalem's province, to 32 33 20 34 the Romans 40 21 Role for Julia Louis41 Dreyfus 22 Iron Man, e.g. 44 45 46 23 Where a 28-Across was often submerged in 51 52 53 W.W. II 25 Prefix with comic 56 57 58 26 Chinese leader? 28 See 23-Across 60 61 29 62 63 More sound 30 Global supporter of the arts 69 70 33 Retailer ___ Taylor 34 Kind of PC port 74 37 Grocery chain since 1926 77 78 79 38 See 43-Across 39 A or O, e.g. 84 85 86 41 Ready to be drawn 87 43 Where you might tour 89 the Grand Canyon in a90 38-Across 47 See 50-Across 93 94 95 96 49 Young hare 50 Where an Italian tourist 102 103 104 might ride in a 47-Across 52 Honkers 107 54 "If I Ruled the World" rapper 11356 Heavy metal venue? 57 Approximately 116 11758 Bars frequented at night 61 Tiny bit 120 12162 Not, to a Scot 63 Saloon sounds 64 Knock over 65 Animal that an fears 11 Instrument in a 50ailurophobe Deliver to, as a 66 Unimpressive mount pickup line metalworker’s 67 "So ___" union? 51 Agile mountain 68 Where to find Moscow in climbers 12 Soloist? the U.S.: Abbr. Explorer’s grp. 13 Lose control at the 69521993 standoff site 7053Trembling trees buffet Guitar bars 72 Does some grilling 14 Appear 54 One way to sit by 73 See 79-Across 15 Blind part Storklike 7658Solo pilot? waders 7760Vice 16 Elev. ___ Dissuade 79 Where a 73-Across sails 17 Prez on a penny 61 La saison chaude loaded with fuel 18 15 mins. of an 62 P.I., in old slang 81 See 85-Across N.F.L. game Board displaying 8464What a vulgarian has 85 Place 24 Rich Richie an 81-Across the for alphabet catchsome seafood 26 Tolkien creatures 65toLike DVD90 [Humph!]

4/19/2016

April 19, 2016

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Last week’s solutions:

Randolph Ross / Edited by Will Shortz

91 Put one's foot down

26 92 Cowpoke's friend

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105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 DOWN N E W Y O R K H A R B O R E V E L I N E Great work of literature 113 114 115 A V A T A R A G E O N E R E E L E C T Try 116 117 118 N O W A Y E X P O S E S "But thy ___ summer 4/12/2016 H A R D L Y Sudoku - Puzzles and Games - NYTimes.com shall not fade": Shak. 38 80 Party with glow sticks, "Don't forget about me" "It's a Wonderful Life" Sudoku — Medium April 12, 2016 82 Set off maybe role 97 98 99 40 83 Stumbles Announcement at the Attention to detail 41 Rouen relation end of a long car trip Article in Le Monde 42 Makeshift beds 86 Org. established by 105 Sell 44 Bread spreads President Nixon They have belts and 45 Lawyer's thing 87 "Little piggy" holders coats 109 46 Lake that's the source of 88 Lack Cholesterol inits. 89 "Count me in" the Mississippi Top 114 of the minors 47 Banded rock 91 When repeated, 1968 Aid in picking sides 48 "Waiting for Lefty" name in the news Crunchy snack 95 Generic juice flavor playwright Butter ___ (ice cream 51 96 Hindu soul Scroll holder flavor) 52 Metal grates for grilling 98 Choking on a Life Saver, Buckets 53 One-way flight? e.g. It counts as a plate 55 Hide away 99 Fowl language? appearance but not as 57 100 Seven U.S. presidents, Rich kid in "Nancy" an at-bat, briefly Average 101 Young Arab by birth Trash bag accessory 58 Notre Dame football 102 Sant' Gria brand Thirty, encomponent français Retrovirus 105 "I don't think so" legend Appetite Thorough 59 106 Stowe girl They're blown in the Cabinet member who River past Orsk 107 Card game for two winds served all eight years 60 108 Financial report abbr. Tourist attraction on Meal under Bill Clinton 109 Opposite of FF N.Y.C.'s Fifth Ave. Saturn model with a Mogul 64 Charged 110 Dangerous pet scientific name Churned 67 Support for ballet 112 Aggravate Awaiting dancers Star of Hitchcock’s Basketball's King James, 4/12/201669 Place for a spare tire Sudoku - Puzzles and Games - NYTimes.com for one “The Birds” 71 Send into a swoon Cassini of fashion Egressed April 12, 2016 74Sudoku Lifts —upHard a mountain Let flow again 75 Geom. shape Nymph turned Lack of compassion 77 ___ III, inspiration for into a laurel Russian relativetree, of a Dracula guitar in Greek myth 78 Cry of mock horror

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102 “Calvin and

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103 Tennis situation

after deuce

104 Border county

of New York or Pennsylvania 106 “omg” or “lol,” say 108 Phantasy Star maker 110 Indian mausoleum opening? 111 N.Y.S.E. debut 112 With 49-Down, singer with the autobiography “It Wasn’t All Velvet” 113 Guys’ dates, informally 114 ____ Pacis (Roman monument)

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http://www.nytimes.com/crosswords/game/sudoku/medium

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April 19, 2016

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Sudoku - Puzzles and Games - NYTimes.com

Sudoku — Hard

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exclusive releases optometrist’s 66 Mess with, as hair or siblings 33 Cry of pain 68 What covers parts 34 “Vamoose!” of 80-Down? 35 Work well together 69 Poetic shades 36 Seasoned pork sausage, informally 70 L.A. locale 73 Cartoon Great 37 “No warranty” Dane, informally 39 Third-largest 75 Coup d’état island in Italy, after Sicily and 77 Cable channel Sardinia whose first initial stands for its 42 “____ the Beat” (1982 founder Go-Go’s hit) 78 Drama that can go 44 Broadly smiling on for years 45 Gang in 80 See 68-Down “Grease” with an automotive name 81 Order in the court 46 Reggae precursor 82 Cabinet dept. 48 Fetches 83 El ____ 49 See 112-Down 85 The year 2510

Sudoku — Medium

Something In The Water

31 Purchase at an

4/19/2016

Rules: Fill in the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 block contains 1-9 exactly once.

KenKen

Rules: A) You must fill in the boxes in each row and column with the numbers 1 to 6. Do not repeat a number in any row or column. B) The areas of the grid with dark outlines around them are called cages. At the top left of each cage is a target number and operation. This means that the numbers in the cage must use that operation 1 to total that number. Hint: Look for cages that are around just one box. The target number will have no operation symbol.

overexposure? 94 Where phone nos. might be stored wrote “Tell Me a Riddle” 95 Burst through, as a preventer barrier 11 1950s sci-fi terror, 53 Some Vegas with “the” 100 Prefix meaning attractions 118-Across 15 Pro baller-turned- 55 Prophet whose commentator for 101 *Sobriquet for name means N.B.A. on TNT ardent Boston fans “deliverance” 19 Upper reaches 105 Tetra- plus two 56 Southern Italian 20 Last method of 106 Superficially repair port death in Agatha 57 Lock combination? 107 Things always kept Christie’s “And on hand? 59 Helmeted deity Then There Were 109 Quick jump in the 60 Cravings None” pool 63 Sing loudly 21 Letter sign-off 110 Like some 67 Non-____ (modern 22 Modern photography food label) movement inits. 68 *1990s-2000s HBO 113 *Popular app that 23 *1978 movie in can view any of hit which Kevin Bacon the places named made his film debut 71 A, in Amiens at the ends of the 72 Feeling 25 Minicar, say answers to the 74 “Chilean” fish starred clues 27 Makeup for a 75 Typewriter type “Wizard of Oz” 115 Tippy-top 76 Family symbols character? 116 Disturbance 79 Mexican sauce 28 Cooperate (with) 117 Bach composition 80 “Natural” way to 29 Didn’t exist 118 See 100-Across serve a roast 30 Sufficient, in brief 119 Shock to the 81 “Dance at Le 32 *Having it made system Moulin de la 35 Deg. in the 120 “____-Team” Galette,” e.g. boardroom 121 Blackjack option 84 *Laos or Vietnam 122 “Duck Dynasty” 38 Fails to brake in 88 Start to -matic time for, maybe network 89 “Oh jeez, don’t 40 “I see what you look at me” did there!” DOWN 41 Comments from a 90 Sue Grafton’s 1 More likely to win crossword kibitzer “____ for Ricochet” a handwriting award 2 When many start Puzzles Online: Today’s puzzle and more the workday than 9,000 past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords 3 Achebe who wrote ($39.95 a year). For the daily puzzle commentary: “Things Fall Apart” nytimes.com/wordplay. Mobile crosswords: nytimes.com/mxword 4 Designer line?

Sudoku

By Howard Barkin

ACROSS 1 Kind of chip 6 Novelist Tillie who

Thursday, April 21 11

4/17/16

Michigan Tech Lode

5 6

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http://www.nytimes.com/crosswords/game/sudoku/hard

4 7 6

Check us out on: Facebook & Twitter

1/1

Thursday, April 21

ROUND 1

Debate:

The Shallot

Should the UP of Michigan be part of Wisconsin or should Wisconsin be part of the UP of Michigan?

Wisconsin should be a part of the UP: Shan Amarnani Editor In Chief

It’s pretty obvious that the U.S. would be a better place if Wisconsin and the UP of Michigan merged to become one super state. I’m surprised no one has ever brought up the idea. This state would be known as the great state of Michigan. Why? Because Michigan. The Department of State Mergers has done a study and have found that there are certain benefits to doing this. I have interviewed some people about Wisconsin and according to a random dude I found off the street, “When I think of Wisconsin, the only thing that comes to mind is subpar cheese that would definitely disappoint the Swiss and Italian people and speeding tickets that, by Michigan standards, does not count as speeding.” According to an extremely credible source (the same source that informed Donald Trump’s office that Obama’s birth certificate was a fraud), the people of Michigan are just better cheese makers. The only reason they have not commercialized any of the orgasmic cheese was because, Michiganders, being the nice people that they are, did not want to overshadow Wisconsin cheese or so I’ve been told by the American Cheese and Dairy Product Makers Association of America or ACDPMAA.

The UP of Michigan and the lower peninsula are like two peas in a pod. They go well together and I know Wisconsin would be a great addition to the duo. Michigan may not be the best at fixing roads or choosing a source of drinkable water but one thing Michigan does better than any other state in the U.S. is being awesome. Being awesome isn’t easy. It takes a great deal of work and dedication. How does a state become awesome you ask? That’s easy! A state, to become awesome, just needs to have one of the best universities in the U.S. (MTU and U of M), produce some of the biggest names in music (Diana Ross, the Temptations, Smokey Robinson, Marvin Gaye, the Jackson 5, Eminem, Madonna, Stevie Wonder, Iggy Pop and more), be home to the best tennis player in the world (Serena Williams), produce the greatest jackets (Carhartt), be home to the biggest names in the Auto industry (Ford, GM, Chrysler), welcome other religions with open arms (The beautiful Islamic Center of America in Dearborn is one of the largest mosques in the U.S.) and have the best hockey team in the entire world (The Red Wings), produce the best pop (it’s pop not soda!) (Faygo and Vernors) and be surrounded by two of the awesomest freshwater lakes. Last I checked, only Michigan meets all of the criteria. So why not make Wisconsin awesome as well? Join us Cheeseheads!

The UP should be part of Wisconsin: Kassia Prystalski Managing Editor

The UP was once a part of Wisconsin, and all was right with the world. Back in the 1800s, when territory lines were drawn, people used common sense and generally assumed that in order to be a part of the same territory/to-be state, the land should… I dunno, be connected in any real way to the rest of the territory? Everything was straight-forward and normal, at least as far as drawing state lines went. Then Ohio and Michigan got in some ridiculous fight over some incredibly boring city (which one? Toledo, Cincinnati, Cleveland? I honestly don’t know where any of those cities are, Ohio is useless), and Ohio won. It’s not my major point, but I’ll just quickly go over that again: Ohio beat Michigan over who should have a stupid town. Michiganders, being the ridiculous cry-babies that they are, made a big fuss until the government had to come in and gave them something to appease them. That something was the UP. For some reason, Ohio and Michigan didn’t have to compromise over their dumb city, Ohio just won and then magically, Michigan got a giant chunk of Wisconsin, who wasn’t even part of their obnoxious fight in the first place. Literally none of this makes any sense, except maybe that Ohio and Michigan were fighting, because of course they were. It’s kinda hard to tell from living in Houghton, because it’s overrun with trolls, but the culture of Wisconsin matches very well with the culture of the UP. I’ve always seen the UP as like, the child of a rough divorce between Michigan and Wisconsin. Michigan gets to pay for the roads and what-not, but it’s obvious that Wisconsin brought the UP up, and gave it similar interests and morals. Take a random poll of not-from-downstate Yoopers, and to be fair, don’t include anyone technically from Wisconsin: tell me if they prefer the Packers or the Lions. I’m here to tell you that the majority of people will pick the Packers. If there’s something more Wisconsin than beautiful wilderness, beer, and the Packers (all things that the UP love), then I don’t know what it is. Of course, there’s always the indisputable fact that the Packers are in every way superior to the Lions, so you might be worried that that’d skew your results, and I understand. The thing is, Michi-geese are all insane and a huge number of them support their depressing Lions even when there are so many other teams to choose from. The fact that they live in the same state as the Lions for some reason attaches Michigan people to them forever, and we should feel sorry for them. But if Yoopers were really from Michigan, then why wouldn’t they feel that same pull? Why can they just choose to like a reasonable football team? Oh, probably because the Lions are from Michigan, and Yoopers are not.

ROUND 2

Yes, it’s true that the whole feud between Michigan and Ohio sucked and it did not make sense for Michigan to take part of Wisconsin but I like to think of it as the time when part of Wisconsin got a better home. The entire UP now has character because of Michigan. The semi-offroad feel you get when driving on an actual road and the nonshitty beer you get from the breweries up here can be credited to Michiganders. It’s this culture that people love and returning the UP to Wisconsin is just not in anyone’s best interest and is the equivalent to eating soup with a fork (it just does not make sense). In fact, absorbing the entire Wisconsin and making it one great state of Michigan would make more sense. That would cause the number of states to drop to 49 and the U.S. can finally make either Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, Northern Mariana Islands or the U.S. Virgin Islands a freaking state! This would bring the number of states back to 50 and no modification to the flag and or other documents would be necessary. Also, Green Bay, Michigan just sounds better than Green Bay, Wisconsin. Hell, they should have just given the entire Wisconsin to Michigan in the first place! Think of how much more awesome the midwest would be.

ROUND 3

Michigan Tech Lewd

Have I mentioned that the UP and Michigan don’t even touch except for a really really long bridge? I feel like I should emphasize that a little more. The UP and Michigan physically have nothing to do with each other. Also, current politics aren’t really great for either of our states, but I gotta say that the only thing I’ve seen Michigan excel at is being embarrassing. Example: I typed “Why is Michi” into Google, and the auto complete suggests “Why is michigan so bad” “Why is michigan so poor” and “Why is Michigan State a 2 seed”. Trying “Why is Wiscon” into Google, the suggestions were “Why is Wisconsin so liberal” “Why is Wisconsin called the cheese state” and “Why is Wisconsin called the dairy state”. Ok, those results are pretty boring, but at least the first two responses aren’t so awful for Wisconsin. Ok, this one was just for fun. I typed “Why is the upper pen” (I tried a few variations of UP, but that’s just a word on its own, so the results were completely unrelated) and I got “Why is the upper peninsula not part of Wisconsin” “Why is the upper peninsula part of Michigan” “Why is the upper peninsula of Michigan not in Wisconsin” and “Why is the upper peninsula in Michigan”. So there you have it, the people have spoken, and no one understands why the UP is part of Michigan. I’ll take a moment here to point out that some people would like the UP to be its own state. I think that’s valid. Honestly anything that saves this beautiful wonderland from having to deal with Michigan is a vast improvement.

Michigan Tech Lewd

The Shallot

Thursday, April 21 13

The Best Car in the World Alexander Crawford El Duderino 2

All through the history of automobiles, different manufacturers have been vying for the top title. To have one of their cars be known as “The Best Car in the World”. For the last 110 years, the International Car Association, or ICA, has been in search of the best car in the world. They’ve come close only four previous times: in 192, when they considered the Briggs and Stratton Flyer; in 1963, with the Chrysler Turbine; in 1970 with the Ford Mustang 2 Coupe; and in 1999 with the Fiat Multipla. What kept these four prize cars from winning the esteemed title was the board of car judges, who could never come to agreement. Until one week ago. The ICA had its annual meeting at its headquarters just outside of Detroit, Michigan on April 1-4. Reportedly, 3 of its newest members were killed attempting to get through Downtown, after taking a couple wrong turns. This is attributed to be the main reason the vote passed. After all the surviving members were safely inside the Headquarters building, they began the 2 day long tour of “The History of the Driving Machine”. Most of the members had seen this tour countless times, so they retired to their rooms early. After the tour was over, and all members ready for the meeting, the Secretary, Mr. Mark Fields, who is also the President of Ford, called the meeting to order. Their job there today was to attempt to place one car above all the rest; to name

definitively “The Best Car in the World”. After a couple hours of debate and deliberation, it was put to a vote. Standard voting procedure says that there will be a maximum of four rounds of voting; twice each day of the meeting days, if no car has been chosen in past rounds of voting. The first round had called for five different cars to be voted upon: The Chrysler PT Cruiser; The Jeep Renegade; The Fiat Punto; The 2017 Ford GT; and the crowd favorite: The Saturn Vue. The Jeep Renegade received the least amount of votes, with only 3 members choosing it. The 2017 Ford GT was next to be dropped with only 12 votes for it. After that, all three of the remaining candidates: PT Cruiser, the Fiat Punto, and the Saturn Vue were tied for first. However, to be elected as “The Best Car in the World”, they had to have a 50% +1 majority. And so it continued. The next few hours were filled with lots of talk and debating, on all the good, and all the bad of all the vehicles left. Finally, the roll was called to order, and the votes were to be tallied, for the remaining cars. The Fiat Punto dropped out this time, with only 21 votes. The PT Cruiser stayed in by the rubber of its tires with only 30 votes, and the Saturn Vue was on top with 45 votes. However, this still was not a majority, and so the members retired for the night. In the morning, all the members were extremely excited for the new round of voting. Only four times past had it come down to only two, and then it was deadstalled because of abstaining votes. Now, it was possible to make history. The next few

Saturn Vue

hours were filled with almost girly gossip, all of it surrounding what was the crowd favorite: The Saturn Vue, and the consumer’s favorite: The Chrysler PT Cruiser. Finally, the vote was called. 96 votes hung in the balance, and only with 49 votes could one car make it to be the definitive “The Best Car in the World”. The votes tallied, and the secretary had a dead look in his eye. He read the results aloud. “Saturn Vue, 48 votes. Chrysler PT Cruiser, 48 votes. It is a 50/50 tie.” The members went wild. If only one member would change their vote, then it would all be decided. It was a dull roar in the meeting room, when the vote was to be called for the final time. As all the votes were being counted,

Photo by dude with ginormous schlong

the members almost erupted into a wild frenzy, not wanting to wait to find out if their conference would be the one to make history, and if so, which incredible car would have the penultimate honor of being “The Best Car in the World”. The Secretary look at the tally, and let out a sigh. Michigan Tech Student Lucas Krueger had this to say of the result: “I’m very happy with the decision of the ICA to name my car ‘The Best Car in the World’. I mean, I’ve been driving this Saturn Vue just over a year, and I can’t get enough out of how underpowered it is, or how horrible the weight distribution is set up. I’ve honestly never seen another car like it. No wonder it won.”

United States places strategic dome around North Korea James Wood Chick Magnet To counter the bravado of Kim Jong Un, the United States has enacted Operation STD (Strategic Tactical Dome) on North Korea. The dome was placed on Wednesday, April 13 A.K.A. hump day marking the final day of North Korea’s empty threats. This bold new strategy has its consequences though; Korean pop band “PSY” was performing at an exclusive underground concert just inside the North Korean part of the DMZ at the time of the dome’s installation. “It’s a tragedy, but if they’re on the wrong side of the dome, we have to assume they’re dead.” Stated Vice President Joe Biden with a heavy heart. Several American Journalists have also been trapped inside the dome and have been providing reports via skype. The most recent report is as follows: “The North Korean populace has started viewing the dome as some sort of deity. Each morning they take half of their crops and offer them up

to the dome as penance. Additionally, local sweatshops have begun sewing “we love the dome” into their clothing products. This newfound religious fervor has caused many North Koreans to lose faith in their “Great Leader”. One North Korean diplomat was outside the dome when the operation took place, and on April 14 he did an interview with TMZ. “Yeah, we really were just bluffing. No nukes in North Korea. I guess someone should have told Mr. Un about that, but he was never happier than when he was threatening people, and since his dad died, I guess no one could break it to him.” Reports say that the nation’s fading leader was last seen burning ants with a magnifying glass while berating them with phrases like, “You should have believed me when I said I had weapons of mass destruction!”; They also say that his sanity is definitely slipping. Having North Korea out of the picture may not be as fruitful as one might think though. According to U.S. defense secretary Ashton Carter, “North Korea has always been like a one or a two on the threat meter (just below France at a three; never trust

Dome

the French). This dome actually costs way more than it would to keep them in check with what we’re currently doing. I was drunk one night and apparently I bet my sister-inlaw $400,000 that I could get a dome placed over North Korea. Obama liked the idea, he said it would “ensure his legacy would last eons”, and the republicans never vote against military spending so passing it was a cakewalk. People might end up paying higher taxes and the North Korean people now have no chance of joining the rest of civilization, but hey, I proved drunk me

Photo by Homer Simpson

right!” The dome may have some unforeseen side effects as well, apparently the dome’s transparency is causing it to act like a greenhouse, increasing the temperature of all areas within it. Experts believe that the entire country will be an inhospitable desert before the end of the year. When notified of this, Carter only stated, “I never was a very good gardener…” before looking at his phone and pretending to text until reporters got bored. For more info about conditions in North Korea refer to “The Simpsons” movie and Stephen Kings “Under the Dome”.

Thursday, April 21

The Shallot

Michigan Tech Lewd

A comprehensive list of everything less likely to kill you than a terrorist attack Michael Rader Not a terrorist

A friend of mine shared with me her darkest fears, after the terror attacks in Belgium, claiming that traveling to Europe is now just as dangerous as living in Syria. She wants to go to France, but she doesn’t want to get involved in a nasty bombing. I am just as scared. In the last decade, 71 U.S. civilians have died from terror attacks across the globe (not counting military personnel, obviously) [1] . I did the math, and I concluded that if I go to Europe this summer, I have a one in 20 mil. chance of getting blown up in a terror attack. If I am near but not killed by the attack, I have a 83% chance of at least getting some shrapnel scars, so I have that going for me. In order to curb our ‘irrational’ fears, people are fond of quoting things that are more likely to kill you than terrorism, and if you’re a staunch terror-fearer like me, you want counterarguments. We can throw out cars, which kill 1 in 113 people in their lifetimes, firearm assault, which is responsible for 1 in 358 deaths,

or getting mauled by a dog (1 in 110,000) [2]. So, what’s less likely to kill you than a terrorist? Killed by a javelin toss [3]. It’s only happened once in the last hundred years, at a track and field competition in Germany, in 2012. A toss found the throat of a 75-year-old referee, and he died before the emergency medical team could do anything. Killed by a rooster. With a knife [4]. It’s actually happened recently; in 2011, a 35 year-old California man was killed while attending a cockfight by a rooster. The rooster’s owner (coach?) had strapped a knife to his leg before the fight, and the man died from wounds sustained by the rooster’s stabs. Shark attacks only attack about 70 people per year, and those attacks are rarely fatal; only 548 people have died from shark since 1958 worldwide [5]. The sharks are in a poor state. We are winning this war in an inconceivable, genocidal slaughter, killing about 100 million sharks every year. At least we’ve got this danger under control. Now if only we could end hunger... Spider deaths account for 6.5 people

every year, which is a shade less than the last decade of terrorism. Don’t go in your basement, because they’re right above your head. Bears kill one person a year in petty, territorial squabbles. But for all you know, they’re right outside your door,

waiting to get you. I’m still going abroad this summer, and if I fall victim to the terrorists, I’ll try to upload a selfie before they sacrifice me.

Taurus (April 20- May 20): Every time that you type the letter “t” you will be building up a store of good luck. After 1,000,000,000 times you will find a penny on the ground with the heads side up.

Virgo (August 23- September 22): Trama, police chases, heroism, dumb political debates, and everyone is dying somewhere. Wait, that just seems to be the news...not your future...

Capricorn (December 22- January 19): Hey, you’re a pretty decent person. Congrats. No, really, give yourself a pat on the back for all the hard work you’ve done this year.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Lions, Tigers, and Bears, oh my! Don’t give up because at the end of the race you won’t find any scary things waiting for you.

Libra (September 23- October 22): The all-powerful Horoscope say that you will finally talk to that person you fawn over on Yik-Yak. Do it. Go with the strength of the stars.

Meme

Courtesy of the internet

Horoscopes (Week of April 25) 100% no BULL guaranteed! Andrea Spencer Mormon on a mission

The future will always be as mysterious as that one thing you lost in your room that was never found again. Like, really, are there monsters in my wardrobe stealing things and then laughing at me? Not okay. Anyways, we all want to see what’s in store for us. With these completely, absolutely, guaranteed, 99.9 percent true horoscopes, the future is revealed!! All will gaze in wonder at the miraculous powers that have put the future into their hands. Remember though, not all will be as it seems. Aries (March 21- April 19): Roses are red, violets are blue, you’ll soon find true love, in the form of the first animal you think of.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will find fortune in the heat of the summer. Take courage, because baby, you’re a firework. Come on and show them what you’re worth. Leo (July 23- August 22): Beware the Jabberwock my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!

Scorpio (October 23- November 21): Your karma seems to be off, but your fung shui is incredibly balanced. In the distance future you will have to decide between two very important things, for example, eating either lobster or skittles. Sagittarius (November 22- December 21): Moo. You’re feeling confused.

Aquarius (January 20- February 18): Well aren’t you special. Here is a list of things to do if you want to succeed: pet a dinosaur, swim in superior, find the secret tunnel, and eat some snacks so you don’t starve. Pisces (February 18- March 20): The romance forecast will please you greatly as a hurricane of robo-love heads your way. Who doesn’t want cuddles from a robot?

Michigan Tech Lewd

SPURTS

Thursday, April 21 15

# the By

s r e b m nu Actual sports statistics this week.

Number of writers I can realistically hire for the Sports section for the fall semester. Apply now!

Percent chance of a guy finding a summer romance on Michigan Tech’s campus for 2016.

0 1 2 , 3 1

Population of New Ulm, Minnesota.

Potential libel suits in this week’s paper.

Finals I have in a row on Monday. This totally sucks.

Michigan Tech senior hockey player and minor deity Alex Petan Photo courtesy of Michigan Tech Athletics

Alex Petan elevated to Godhood University Athletics Bizarre Press Release

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OHMIG ODALE XPETAN OHMIG OD A L E X P E TA N O H M I G O D A L E X P E TA N O H M I G O D A L E X P E TA N OHMIG ODALE XPETAN OHMIG OD A L E X P E TA N O H M I G O D A L E X -

PETANOHMIGODALEXPETAN OHMIGODALEXPETANOHMIGODALEXPETANOHMIGODALEXPETANOHMIGODALEXPETAN OHMIG ODALE XPETAN OHMIG OD A L E X P E TA N O H M I G O D A L E X -

Thursday, April 21

SPIRITS

Journalistic integrity hits all-time low Sand Rilvers Poll Respondent

In a survey conducted in the Lode office this Tueday during layout, 100 percent of respondents agreed that journalistic integrity in college newspapers had hit an all-time low. “It’s total bullshit,” said Lode Sports editor Rand Silvers. “I mean honestly, most of this crap is written the day of, we’re taking grainy pictures on our cell phones, and that’s when we’re actually doing the reporting.” “Half of what we publish is just recycled UMC material anyway,” Silvers continued. The respondent reported that editors

Like what you see? Rand Silvers Corporate Shill Come write for us next Fall! No, seriously, we actually need writers, especially here in the Sports section. The Venn diagram of “people who like sports” and “people who like to write” is small. So if you find yourself in that oval, shoot me an email at rasilver@mtu.edu. It can be a super rewarding experience, and I’ll give you three reasons why. First, it looks great on your resume. You’re an engineer; of course you can do the technical stuff. Showing that you can write as well makes you valuable. Second, you get paid. It’s not much, and it’s purely dependent on our ability to consistently sell ads, which has not been great, but it’s something! I take that paycheck every two weeks straight to the bank, and then it’s off to Walmart, where I can usually afford a Snickers bar to reward myself for a job well done. Finally, you’ll get to meet and hang out with great people like me. Look at all the humorous things I wrote for this issue because no one else wrote anything! It would be lots of fun. Come join us!

were really “scraping the bottom of the barrel” to meet the ever-pressing demand to fill space, resorting to such tactics as making headlines absurdly large, blowing up unnecessary pull quotes, and literally copy-pasting entire articles from Wikipedia wholesale. Additional concern was expressed over revenue-gathering efforts by college newspapers. “Jesus, we’re running a gun ad? I mean, I know it’s the UP, but come on,” said Silvers. “There have been 175 school shootings in the US since 2013. That’s more than 50 a year. Holy crap guys.” The poll’s sole respondent also voiced ciriticism of the ppaer’s editoreal procces, which at times leaves significant and obvi-

Michigan Tech Lewd

ous typos in articles. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Silvers. “It’s better than the Bull, but only marginally at this point.” The poll revealed deep dissatisfaction with newspaper Sports sections, which were described as “poorly organized,” “badly written,” and “clearly managed by someone with no knowledge of sports whatsoever.” While the section overall received a great deal of criticism, the reviews of individual writers were universally positive. “I love you guys,” said Silvers. “For real.” The only section to receive positive reviews was the Opinion section, which was described as “edited by my boss.”

Sidelines Wikipedia

The “sidelines” are the white or colored lines which mark the outer boundaries of a sports field, running parallel to each other and perpendicular to the goal lines. The sidelines are also where the coaching staff and players out of play operate during a game. The area outside the sidelines is said to be out of bounds. The term is predominantly in use in American football, Canadian football, field lacrosse and basketball. In rugby union, rugby league and association football, they are known as touch-lines. The foul line is a similar concept in baseball. Sports in which the playing surface is bounded by walls, such as ice hockey, box lacrosse, and indoor football, do not use sidelines; in these sports, coaches and reserve players are positioned in recessed benches behind the walls. The sideline can be used metaphorically to refer to players who have been “benched,” meaning that they have been taken out of the game purposefully by the coaching staff due to poor performance in the game or previous play. Establishing shots of these players may be used by televised sports programs to indicate potential roster switches, or to build a narrative of the failure or success of the coaching staff ’s decision. Likewise, images of the sideline may suggest that the highlighted player had done something of interest outside of the confines of play. For example, in American football, dousing the head coach with water or sports drink is a popular way of celebrating crucial victories, established as a tradition by the New York Giants of the National Football League in the mid-1980s. The term “to be sidelined” refers to a player in a sports event who is unable to play (e.g. confined to the sideline) for injury, suspension, or other similar reasons. This term has spread into a business context; a project that has been “sidelined” is no longer a major concern or objective of the proponent company.

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Michigan Tech Lewd

SPURTS

I didn’t get the memo, so here’s Men’s Tennis Mutkarsh Ishra Good Sport

Michigan Tech’s Men’s Tennis team performed really well on Saturday Apr 16th where they won six out of nine matches played against Lake Superior state university. Huskies won five out of six singles matches and one out of three doubles matches. The performers of the day were Mario Neto and Robin Duhnsen who defeated the pair of Ieuan Lister and Hunter Koster by 8-4.

“Shoot, I bet I forgot to copy to you on that email.” -Rand Silvers

There were six singles matches played in the Gates Tennis Center on Saturday out of which huskies won five. The first match between Jake Prime and Robin Duhnsen was a thriller. Tthe first set was won by LSSU, but Tech recovered in the next two sets winning the match 7-6, 3-6 and 5-7. The match between Borja Font and

Mario Neto was a one sider in which Tech single handedly defeated LSSU in first two sets 6-1 and 6-2. Those scores were duplicated when Built Yumuang [MTU] defeated the guest Ieuan Lister [LSSU] in back-toback matches. The only loss the Huskies faced in the singles match was in the match between Luis Valderrama [LSSU] and Nick Kremkow [MTU]. It was a really interesting contest in which both the players won one set each in starting two sets but huskies fell a bit short on the final set ending the scoreboard as 6-7 , 7-6 and 6-3.

“It was a good day for us... We were ready to go and got the job done.” -Kevin Kalinec Another great match was played between Miles Munro [LSSU] and Juan Filipe Chica [MTU] in which Tech outsourced their opponent in the final set by 3 points concluding the final score as 6-4, 5-7 and 6-3.

The last singles match was another quality contest between TJ Myers (LSSU) and Ricardo Paes [MTU]. Like most other matches match went to last set which was a nail-biter ending when Paes scored his tenth point. The other three matches played were doubles in which the first match was between the pairs Ieuan Lister / Hunter Koster [LSSU] and Mario Neto / Robin Duhnsen [MTU]. This match was again a one sided contest in which the No. 1 husky pair showcased some brilliant skills and defeated the guest team by 8-4. The other two matches were won by the Lakers [5-10, 1-6 GLIAC] who got wins of 8-4 from Jake Prime and Luis Valderrama against Built Yumuang and Ricardo Paes in the No. 2 slot, and an 8-5 victory from TJ Myers and Borja Font against Jacob Prochnow and Nick Kremkow in the No. 3 pairing. “It was a good day for us,” said head coach Kevin Kalinec. “Obviously we played well in singles and our No. 1 doubles team got a nice win, but I was pleased with how our entire team played today. We were ready to go and got the job done.” Michigan Tech [5-9 overall; 2-5 GLIAC] wraps up the regular season next weekend [April 23-24] with home matches vs. Wayne State and Northwood.

Thursday, April 21 17

Letters to the editor Rand Silvers Flake Extraordinaire RE: The Lewd Hey Shan, So I’m really not feeling the Lewd this week. I’ve got two presentations this week and three exams on Monday, so I’m probably just not going to show up for layout on Tueday. I mean, really, who’s even going to read it? Everyone will be busy studying for finals or getting so drunk they don’t care. If they’re reading, it won’t be a newspaper, no matter how much effort you pour into it, so I’d rather spend the time writing the two final resports I have due. The whole concept is really stupid. News organizations are supposed to inform, not entertain. Fox News is the exception that proves the rule. Besides, I think the Bull really ruined the concept of humorous college journalism for everyone on campus. God, I feel bad throwing it in the recycling knowing that someone somewhere is going to reuse the paper that swill was printed on. Anyway, if that’s a problem, let me know. Thanks, Rand RE: The Lewd Hey Rand, You are so useless. Honestly, why do we even pay you? Sincerely, Shan

Hockey ticket prices to be raised dramatically Rusty Shackleford Ghost from the Past The Michigan Tech team is taking a risky approach to ticket sales next year and will be drastically increasing ticket prices in an attempt to make more money. The capacity of the John MacInnes Student Ice Arena is 4,200, which would bring in a pretty penny assuming a sold out crowd and no free student tickets given away, but apparently this isn’t enough. Following the success of last season, the ticket prices for the 2015-16 season will rise to $80,000 per seat. “If we sell but one ticket to each game, we will already make back roughly the amount we would make this past season with a sold out crowd, and nobody goes

alone to a Husky hockey game,” said Suzanne Sanregret, the athletic director of Michigan Tech. Free student tickets will also cease to be given away and instead sold for the student discount price of $79,995. The theory is sound. If two people attend each game it would help pay off the $2,600,000 construction cost of the arena, and how hard could it possibly be to sell one ticket per game? This is Michigan freaking Tech, and we have an absurd amount of wealthy alumni who wouldn’t feel the drop in the bucket this price represents. The students of Tech aren’t happy about this change, however. “No student can afford this, especially with Tech’s high tuition as it is,” said an anonymous source. “I will certainly be moving to

a more respectable organization such as Northern or something.” One has to wonder how this will affect the quality of play of Tech’s fine athletes as well.

“What the hell? You can’t be serious. I’ll just read about it in the Lode, their sports coverage is so consistently great!” -Anonymous Coach Mel Pearson in particular is a bit

worried about the future of a team playing for but a handful of people. “Those rich enough to afford these tickets will be much too boring to make any noise,” said Pearson. An anonymous athlete on the team who saved 976 shots last season concurred, stating, “I need some noise to get out there and play, and I am worried that one person will be a bit too quiet for me to get into my zone.” Next year will be a grand experiment into whether or not a Tech game is worth a decently expensive new car. It sounds as though Tech will have a good team next year, and hopefully one dedicated fan can carry them to the playoffs. There is only one thing that is known for certain, and that is that this reporter won’t be attending a single game next season.

Thursday, April 21

SPIRITS

Michigan Tech Lewd

Destination procrastination: Calumet Air Force base Lavy McDeod Trespasser

Time to study up. Not on calculus or thermo, that’s a bore. And rather than contemplate lobotomizing yourself using your pen to leave blood and brains all over your practice exams for some poor soul to clean up, why not go out and learn a bit about the Copper Country’s hidden history? On the way to the end of the world— along that stretch of US-41 which seems to vary in length depending on some combination of your attention span and whatever crap’s on the radio—is a turnoff that takes you to the abandoned Calumet Air Force Station. The old two lane is called Lake Gratiot (GRAH-shit) Rd, and after a couple minutes of driving you’ll accidentally fly past the entrance on the left and have to turn around. It’s a double swinging gate, with padlocks and chains between them and a bunch of signs everywhere saying to call the sheriff for permission to enter and trespassers will be blah-blah-blah. Anyway don’t waste any time there, once

the car’s parked and the coast is clear make your way up through the woods to the base. Hopefully you have friends. That’d be just sad if you didn’t. Also, hopefully they’re with you because locals say this former Cold War era radar station was eventually repurposed as a juvenile-detention facility, and that the children that were sent here were too young for formal imprisonment yet too dangerous for the usual juvie treatment. Think Children of the Corn meets Lord of the Flies. According to lore, two boys did run away from their confines one night. They snuck out and rode a rotten log on the river to freedom. Four left their bunks, and planned to get out together, however they betrayed each other and it went south. Two were captured and brought back to be punished. If you listen carefully you can hear their shrill voices echoing through the forest pleading for mercy. There are watchtowers jutting up out of the dense woods encircling the compound, eerily bunched together like big brothers keeping an eye on their kin. Twenty-odd

little single story houses spread out down the hill to one side; all of them empty and vandalized by countless visitors armed with spray cans and pent up anger. Farther up are the diverse buildings that served separate uses for airmen first and troubled youth later. A barracks, gymnasium, academic hall and the like. Don’t forget to smile for the cameras on the corners of these. Finally at the highest point of the facility are the old radar towers. The towers used to wear big white domes for detection, but those got taken down at some point. The 665th (as in one less than the number of the beast) Radar Squadron once manned them to defend against a true end of the world— Russian bombers in the Cold War. Nowadays AT&T has a tower on top and uses it to shoot data into space and back down to Earth again. This is also where one finds the headquarters building. An old theater inside where a long time as many as fifty people probably sat and watched films projected on the front wall. Today, it’s entirely vacant

and terrifying. Absolutely no light shines in, and hardly any sound escapes. Long halls with busted fixtures hanging overhead and shattered glass strewn on the floor are the only routes out, so pack a flashlight. Lastly, beneath it all like a concrete belly is a fallout shelter. A treacherously steep staircase leads down into the dark confines, and a trapdoor ladder on the other side is the sole source of sight. Otherwise it’s pitch black and although it would save you from getting microwaved by a nuclear bomb, it feels strangely less safe with the murder glove in the corner and a holy bible torn in half on the floor. Well, not everyone who comes through will view this place romantically, but there is a pretty good vantage point on one of the old radar towers. Either way, you’d prefer to be here than the Van Pelt & Opie Library frying your retinas at one of the computer screens you wrestled a freshman away from. Hell you’d gladly be anyplace other than campus with exams this close, even at the risk of being tortured by the ghosts of vengeful vermin kids.

New Ulm, MN events schedule: April 20-24 Chamber of Commerce

Wednesday, April 20

Thursday, April 21

CVB Meeting 11:30-1:00 p.m. Chamber of Commerce

Chamber Board of Directors Meeting 7:15-8:30 a.m. Chamber of Commerce

Friday, April 22

Sunday, April 24

NUHS Prom 6:00 p.m. Chamber of Commerce Reception Hall

Community Events

HYPE Young Profesionals Luncheon 12:00-1:00 p.m. Vogel Arena

Circus Comes to Town 4:30 and 7:30 p.m. Civic Center

Public Library Events

Chad Lewis- Minnesota Proud Series 7:00-8:00 p.m. New Ulm Public Library Public Meeting Room

A Musical Celebration of Earth Day 3:30-4:30 p.m. New Ulm Public Library

The Grand Events

Saturday, April 23

Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. The Grand

New Ulm Bike Expo 9:00-11:00 a.m. Civic Center

Exploraciones: The Art of Latin America and Spain 10:00-11:30 a.m. The Grand

MVL Year End Sacred Concert 7:00-8:00 p.m. Chapel of Christ, Martin Luther College Campus

Michigan Tech Lewd

SPURTS

Above: The watchtowers on the perimenter of the Air Force base. Below: The theater inside the- HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT? Photos by Davy McLeod

Thursday, April 21 19

Upcoming

Events april 21 - april 27 Third Thursday Social

Thursday, April 21

Rochester, MI

Join alumni and friends for our Third Thursday Social at the Rochester Mills Beer Company!

Brown Bag Lunch Research Seminar

Thursday, April 21 12 - 1 p.m. Academic Office Building (AOB), 101

Associate Professor of Accounting Robert Hutchinson will present his latest research. The title is “Intangible Resource Value and Tobin’s Q: Evidence from the Super Bowl.” All interested members of the MTU community are invited.

GSG End of Year Party

Friday, April 22 5 - 7 p.m. GLRC 202

Celebrate the end of the semester with food and friends, make sure to wear some festive beachwear! The party will be held in GLRC 202 beginning at 5 P.M.

Songs of the Earth

Saturday, April 23

Songs of the Earth: Michigan Tech Concert Choir and conScience: Michigan Tech Chamber Singers. This concert will celebrate Earth Day!

7:30 - 10 p.m. Rozsa Center 76251

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