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Homayoun wrote the book after seeing that many girls were doing the right things, yet experiencing higher rates of mental health issues, stress and meanness. “More and more girls are dealing with different sets of issues [than boys deal with] … issues that are not so easily pronounced because they’re getting good grades and participating in a lot of activities,” she says.
But a few months ago I heard something new. A coach was talking to the older sister of one of his players. R ed-faced, uniform-clad and toting a half-full sports drink, she looked like she had just finished a game. H e asked her how she played. She launched into a quantifiable answer: 10 shots on goal, one shot went in and her team won 4-0. She added her team’s season record, 5-1-1, for good measure. H e smiled and replied in a gentle way, “I asked how you played.” She looked confused. H e explained. H e wanted to know if she had fun, tried a new move or felt success from a play. For me, that overheard conversation packed a big punch. It was about more than the old “it doesn’t matter if you win or lose.” It was about the ways the girl felt successful – happiness, friendship and progress. It wasn’t long after that sideline experience that a book landed in my hands. It was from my mom, who often helps people by giving them appropriate literature. She had given me The Myth of the Perfect Girl by A na H omayoun. I read the tagline, “H elping our daughters find authentic success and happiness in school and life.” I thought about that coach and player. A nd I thought about my daughter, who was just the right age for her pushy mother to get with a good program. T ruthfully, it was perfect timing. T he more I read, the more I nodded my head. Page 68 – constantly focusing on numbers and achievement (i.e. let’s turn that B+ into an A ) may make a previously happy child want to give up. G ot it. Page 77 – micromanaging (helicopter ride, anyone?) disempowers children. R oger that. Page 79 – bribery techniques prevent girls from discovering their intrinsic motivation. Duly noted. (No more “pay” for achievement. A lthough at my house that just means no more free-for-alls at Yogurt Mountain.) T he book was an invitation to examine my attitude and practices. N o guilt or shame; just anecdotes, exercises (try H omayoun’s G ame of T hrees) and practical advice. I perked up on the sections about technology addiction cough, cough … C andy C rush and self-regulation.
Ana Homayoun, author of “The Myth of the Perfect Girl” graduated from Duke University in 2001. She lives in San Francisco, but returns to the Triangle each year to serve on an alumni board. She recently visited Raleigh’s Quail Ridge Books for a book reading. She travels to schools, giving presentations on organization, time-management and other topics.
H omayoun suggests that mothers read the book with their teen and preteen daughters. It’s meant to begin the mother-daughter (and parent-daughter) conversation about wellness, she says. “Many girls have this idea that they need to do it all, all the time. O r that nothing they do is ever good enough. T he idea of perfection is different for every girl … but every girl has an image. A nd women do too,” she explains, noting that many of her adult readers identified with some of the emotions and experiences. “We’ve had a lot of mothers and daughters read it together … and that’s been cool.” In the book, H omayoun writes about YouT ube, T witter, T umblr, Facebook, video chatting and other mediums. “T echnology has utterly changed the way girls are learning, communicating and interacting,” she says, adding that technology has created another layer of communication that has its positives and negatives. “We know that it’s here to stay … [and we can] allow our daughters to have better tools and strategies to navigate this minefield and be more resilient.” T o get the conversations about online activities and technology started, she suggests parents ask their children, “What are the kids in your class doing?” rather than “What are you doing?” because some children may be more willing to talk about their peers than themselves. T iming the conversation is important as well. For example, talking while riding in the car or on a regular outing (S aturday morning jaunt for hot tea) is often a good way to communicate. H omayoun, who founded G reen Ivy E ducational C onsulting, hopes the book offers parents hope, inspiration and solutions. “If we focus on the wellness of these girls and help build their own sense of personal purpose, their own inspiration will make them far more powerful and ambitious than anything we could have ever dreamed of,” says H omayoun. “T hat’s really the message of the book.” Pinehurs tMa gazine. co m | 53
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