August 30, 2017
FEATURES
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Welcome to the new school year — and more importantly, my column ‘Unfounded Assumptions’
with humor editor Spencer Klein Like the fact that 1990s Heath Ledger and 2010s Joseph Gordon-Levitt are the same person. Sure, Hello, my name is Spencer there’s a lot of evidence that Klein. To get the full benefit would point toward the fact of my work you should read that Heath Ledger is actually it in my voice. If you don’t dead and probably can’t know what I sound like, travel through time, but it’s just aim for a prepubescent still impossible to watch the Gilbert Gottfried. movie Snowden without This is my column in the thinking, “Didn’t that guy newspaper, and I’ll do with play a gay cowboy?” it what I want. I don’t care Often times my beliefs what you think about it, and may be unconventional; I don’t care if you went to some might even say them Guatemala last summer “offensive”. Is it offensive to build schools and Zika for me to say that students shields, and now your who dab unironically worldview is figured out. should be forced to take My worldview comes from biology every year until the most conflicted place on they graduate, which will the planet — my soul. inevitably take six years? This column is called Maybe, but that is what I “Unfounded Assumptions,” believe in my soul. Beliefs and in case you’re a trump facts every day of freshman, that’s just fancy the week. I’m not some language for “things that I man who can be seduced by believe without any proof.” facts. I’m not even a man.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking if you’re going to believe the
Photos courtesy BuzzFeed and Imgur 1990s Heath Ledger and 2010s Joseph Gordon-Levitt, side by side. I’m not going to tell you which is which.
seductress known as “facts” and “proven information” or if you’re going to believe me. I think you should believe me. Do you want to know why? Because my name is Spencer Owen Klein and I have a low level of education. You can’t trust people who’ve been
educated. You know who went to college and believed facts? Mussolini. You might be thinking to yourself: “Hey! Who does this guy think he is? I dab unironically and now he’s saying I’ll be trapped in a godforsaken class for the next four to six years! Why is he even writing this stupid column?” First, congrats on being able to read. And second, let’s just say that if you are indeed thinking that, then you might want to look away -- there are some big words coming up. The point of this introduction is to familiarize you with my radical ideals, and if that means losing some readers…so be it. This column will not just be a vague, rambling outlet for my ideas, but a focused sword of truth used to cut down hard-hitting issues. Do ninety percent of ASB candidates make their videos stupid on purpose? Who is Herbert the Snail under the mask? Would we still lose
to Bellevue if they hadn’t illegally recruited athletes? How much does school administration censor this newspaper? Why do they do such horrible things to such innocent people? How does this tyrannical system operate without any resistance? My comrades, if you look closely at these questions, they have one thing in common: there is no way to factually answer them. I mean, I guess I could, but that’s a lot of work I don’t want to do. Instead, my assumptions will serve as fact, and my words as the judge, jury, and executioner. Who am I executing? Not important. If there is one thing I want you to take away from this introductory column, it’s that I am here for you. Like mainstream media I am unburdened by facts, and with one sweeping blow of my truth sword I will eviscerate any foe or beast, or issues relevant to the general student body.
Marching towards success: Meet the new Lack of interest causes summer lifeguard shortage band director Spencer Klein
Lucille Shield
humor editor
front editor
After a brief stint working at MIHS in 2012 as a student teacher, band director Kyle Thompson is back working at the high school. A Pacific Northwest local, Thompson grew up in Everett, Washington, where he attended Cascade High School and would go on to study music at Central Washington University. Music has always been a large part of Thompson’s life. He plays the trumpet and wants to learn percussion. He worked as a Drum Corps International coach, and eventually became the band director and ASB advisor for Cedarcrest High school in Duvall. “[Music] can help solve a lot of problems in your life or help you get through tough times,” said Thompson. His goal is to encourage student involvement in music and the band program at the high school. Thompson said that his new position as band director will be a “new opportunity to connect with
Thompson in his natural habitat: the band room.
more students” and enable them to grow as people and musicians. Thompson’s first task this year was to organize and manage the annual Band Camp -- a weeklong session of long, intense rehearsals, held two weeks before the start of school. “Band camp is probably one of the only ways that the Mercer Island Band can do what they do,” he said. The weeklong program focused on building students’ musicality and musicianship, as well as developing other fundamental skills like perseverance and teamwork. Band members practiced
Photo by Spencer Klein
marching and prepared for field shows and traveling events. “There’s no way we could get it all done if it was just in class,” said Thompson. Without this opportunity to rehearse and bond, Thompson believes the MIHS Band would not be able to reach the level of proficiency that they strive for. “What I hope to bring to the band is a new perspective,” Thompson added. “I am super excited to be here. I’m honored and I’m really looking forward to getting to know everybody here at the school.”
Lifeguards have been providing an essential service for over one hundred years, and seeing one at a beach is almost given. In movies lifeguards are idealized as vital and heroic employees, but the suitable candidates often don’t see it that way. Today 4,000 people die from drowning in the United States each year, and lifeguards continue their valiant practices. Since the position of lifeguard was established, the amount of deaths from drowning in the US has decreased by 66 percent. Unfortunately, not all beaches and lakes are lucky enough to have a posted lifeguard. Over the summer, the greater Seattle area experienced a record-setting dry spell of 55 days, prompting several Islanders to hit the many beaches Mercer Island has to offer. Due to staffing shortages, the city of Mercer Island was unable to provide a lifeguard
to Groveland Park Beach. “[Hiring lifeguards] is challenging because you have to find certified staff,” said Mercer Island Recreation Supervisor CJ Stanford. “To lifeguard at the beachfront, it’s sixteen years and older and obviously those individuals have to be certified by a professional organization such as the American Red Cross.” The issue resides not for lack of recruitment efforts by the city, but by interest among the pool of candidates. Lifeguards employed by the city make between $11 and $16 per hour, but hours are limited and inconsistent. This unpredictability prompts candidates to look for other, more steady jobs. Fortunately, despite a lifeguard not being present at Groveland Park Beach, no beachgoers have been harmed. However, the issue does not look like it is going to vanish when next summer hits, as this is projected to be a persistent problem at beach parks on Mercer Island.