The Islander April Fools Issue 2016

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April 1, 2016

mihsislander.org

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Volume V, Edition 5

Inside

Canadians mourn maple syrup factory explosion Features > Page 2

Valedictorians fight to the finish to become the victor of District ‘16.

One valedictorian to rule them all by

Hanna Puetz

valedictorian-in-training

MIHS Principal Vicki Puckett announced Wednesday that only one graduating senior of the Class of 2016 will assume the title of valedictorian at the end of the school year. A District-sponsored “fight to the death� between the 24 seniors, who currently possess the highest GPAs, will determine who survives to claim the esteemed title.

The merciless event commences Monday as participants meet after school in the Performing Arts Center for training. Athletic Director Mark Jergens-Zmuda will organize and coordinate the highly-anticipated fight, as directed by the Administration’s updated policy, which will air every week on Wednesdays during BRIDGES. Participants will engage in armed conflict in the Jun-

Photo by Samantha Philipp

gle and will face a variety of mental and physical challenges deployed by the School Board, which has been assigned the role of gamemaker in the upcoming competition.

The MIHS Administration decided to name only one valedictorian after observing Bellevue High School’s success in doing so last year. “As seen with Bellevue, having only one valedictorian brings more honor to that one student. If 20 seniors were declared valedictorians, the prestige of the title would diminish,� said Puckett.

Additionally, the new policy will help solve the District’s overcrowding problem, given that each graduating class will be reduced by 23 students following the competition. MISD Director of Human Resources Mark Roschy said, “we will no longer have to spend city money on portables or the construction of new classrooms. Class

sizes will diminish, we will only need to provide one lunch at the high school, and the learning environment will become more personalized for our students.

The benefits are obvious.�

However, many seniors with top-notch GPAs detest the new regulation limiting the number of valedictorians.

One Valedictorian said, “I have worked so hard for four years so I can be awarded valedictorian. It’s not fair for the Administration to change the rules on us so suddenly and force me to risk my life.�

Additionally, many parents and community members actively denounce the MISD’s decision, resulting in the Administration modifying the policy to satisfy complaints. Seniors with the top 24 GPAs now have the opportunity to opt out of the fight if they succeed in finding a replacement.

Despite the potential safe-

ty risks, this year’s top 24 seniors have agreed to compete for the title of valedictorian. Another Valedictorian said, “I have practiced martial arts for seven years and am confident that with my intelligence and athletic abilities, I will be able to kill all of my competitors.�

Viewers should expect an intense, gruesome competition filled with knowledge-based obstacles that emphasize agility and problem-solving skills, as well as tough physical challenges.

The first few rounds will require participants to complete two ACT tests within four hours, ace a history exam on a topic they have never studied, recite Shakespeare’s Hamlet in its entirety, and solve a currently unsolvable math problem, all while balancing on a 50-foot high branch tree. Be sure to tune in every Wednesday to root for your favorite Islander.

then recite a 33-line memorized soliloquy from Hamlet within 24 hours.

Mercer Island mother, Ellie Copter has been spearheading the effort to ban Hamlet tag at the high school. She believes the game has had a negative effect on her son who now dresses all in black to “blend in better� and has attempted to blind himself to “gain a competitive advantage over his classmates.�

Copter’s Facebook page, Stop Hamlet Tag (SHT), has reached students and parents across the nation.

“I can’t believe the Mercer Island School District subjects their students to this level of psychological torture,� said one supporter of the SHT movement. “Always keeping your eyes on the ground would also increase the chance of students running into each other. This so-called game doesn’t just hurt seniors emotionally, but potentially the entire community physically.�

This growing media storm forced the District to respond with their “no eye contact policy.� Described

as a compromise, the policy does not ban Hamlet Tag itself. It simply forbids students and teachers from making eye contact outside of class. When asked for further comments on the controversial policy, district administrators avoided eye contact and mumbled something along the lines of needing to ask permission from the PTA to speak on the topic.

Administrators have asked that all future questions on District policy be emailed directly to mom.mafia@gmail.com.

District responds to parent demands for a ban on Hamlet Tag by

Jane Gormley SHT co-founder

In response to parents concerned about the negative physical and emotional impact Hamlet tag has on seniors, the Mercer Island School District has instituted a “no eye-contact policy� which will take effect starting today.

The game has recently been pegged as a major source of stress for students.

Teachers tag students by making eye contact outside of class within a range of 20 feet. Tagged students must

Teachers incorporate NCAA tournament into curriculum Sports > Page 3

Snapchat spreads a new plague across MIHS Spread > Page 4/5

Jon Perr’s 9 Commandments on relationships Opinions > Page 6

Drug epidemic sweeps the island Campus Life > Page 7

Make sure to check out our new website at mihsislander.org!

2

FEATURES

mihsislander.org

Trump drops out, endorses Sanders Kindergarten SAT classes by

Nathan Benson

happyfeet

In a stunning turn of events in the 2016 presidential race, Donald Trump has decided to drop out of the race and endorse Bernie Sanders. This move comes on the heels of his losses in major swing states like Montana. While some have reported cracks in his campaign, no analyst predicted this move by The Donald.

While at first glance Trump’s decision may seem crazy, he has very logical and strategic reasons behind this move.

First, Donald has reportedly struggled ever since he was a young boy to fit in.

His billions are the most recent reason for his disconnect with the common man, so Trump backing the Sanders campaign makes perfect sense. He’ll get behind the campaign with a donation equivalent to those from millions of people averaging a whopping $27.

The second reason for his decision is that ideologically, he and Sanders are not all that different. Looking past Donald’s ban-all-the Muslims and other racist plans for America, Trump really just cares about the people and his angry language is merely a representation of that passion. The same can be said about Sanders, who, while still caring about the

people, does not share the same controversial beliefs as The Donald.

Finally, Trump’s decision is a cunning political move, summed up by his statement at Sanders’ rally: “Some Republicans have tried to outflank their opponents on the right. They try to be extreme enough to connect with the angry party base. While this strategy has worked beautifully in the past, it is time we upgrade it. Bernie and I will cover the far left and far right

my people to disrupt her rallies. It’s really just a perfect match.”

With the support of Donald Trump, Sanders seems to have integrated some of Trump’s ideas. According to a recent press release from the Sanders campaign, he added his own twist to Trump’s best ideas. For example, instead of having Mexico pay for the wall, Sanders will have the billionaire class and the Wall Street crooks responsible for the recession pay the bill. Sanders will also provide free tuition, but only for Trump University. According to Sanders, his administration will still expand Medicare and Social Security. However, rather than paying for them with increased taxes, Trump will simply allow the United States to pay with better deals.

Also, Trump will reBy Kelly Hou portedly solve hunso well, Clinton will have no- ger nationwide with Trump where to go.” Nobody yet has Steaks. tried this strategy, though Everyone, including it seems the type of original analysts, experts, and and out of the box idea that journalists around the world, Trump would come up with. is sitting on the edge of his The remaining contenders chair, waiting to hear the should be very worried. Ber- latest news from the now nie, in his excitement, com- Trump- endorsed Sanders mented, “Together Trump campaign.

The political and I are the most dangerous power duo did supply political duo in the history one clue about their new of politics, more dangerous partnership. “With my new than Hilary Clinton’s emails. BFF in tow, I am going to Now his [Trump’s] support- make America great again. ers can stop beating up my When I am president, we are supporters and focus on going to win, win, WIN,” said Clinton’s people while I send Sanders.

Mercer Island parents, like Rick Strictman, are signing their kindergarten children up for the new ABC-SAT course.

Strictman is the father of Jeffery Strictman, a kindergarten student at Lakeridge Elementary.

Rick Strictman recently signed Jeffery up for SAT prep-courses at ABC-SAT, despite Jeffery’s age. Rick was quoted stating, “Don’t quote me on this, but kids go into these prep courses not knowing a thing, and six months later come out knowing more than the average high schooler.”

The course encompasses common high school subjects such as math, science, and humanities. In the first few days, ABC-SAT will cover first through eighth grade in preparation for the highschool level lessons. To fully understand the elementary and middle school portions, Jeffery is required to successfully play “Hot Cross Buns” and “My Heart Will Go On” on the recorder. The following four months will cover ninth through twelfth grade.

Expert SAT tutors believe that in order to fully understand high school, students must score a 90 percent or higher on Ms. Sayers’ MLA test. The focus of the lessons will not be on life skills such as how to do taxes or get a loan. Rather, SAT tutors find it more important to drill into students’ minds that the mitochondrion is the

powerhouse of the cell and the acronym “Soh Cah Toa.” These lessons are crucial to receiving a perfect score on the SAT and achieving overall life success.

Ninth grade honors English teacher Jean Speakers said, “Bag it! Just bag it! It is unacceptable for a child to be taking such classes. It is more important for Jeffery to learn how to write. I just don’t trust a lot of these SAT courses.” However, others feel differently regarding Jeffery’s enrollment in ABCSAT. The program’s head tutor, Caroline Riggins, said, “I fully support Jeffery and his educational ventures. I just hope he doesn’t spend all his time goofing off and getting his boogers everywhere.” The mixed feelings regarding Jeffery’s education is causing controversy.

The notorious Mom Mafia recently released a press statement: “You are an awful parent if you do not send your child to ABC-SAT prep courses. If you don’t, it’s almost inevitable your child will end up as an assistant manager, not a general manager like my son.”

Every parent dreams of having successful children, and Strictman firmly believes he is doing the right thing for the prosperity of his son. Jeffery plans to work extremely hard through his junior year, during which he plans to finally take the SAT. By attending ABC-SAT, Jeffery is guaranteed to get at least a 400 on the infamous test.

quoted as saying, “but if gic for their childhood.” The you’re inclined to move to the Federal Beaver of InvestigaYukon for the time being, we tion (FBI) has not yet idenMounties will politely allow tified the official cause of the you to do so, eh. The Hockey explosion. The Emperor is Channel will stream re-runs expected to publicly ask the 24/7 this week to comfort the culprits, if they exist, to turn victims of this event and their loved ones, and the government will be handing out Kinder Eggs to every boy or girl aged 5 to 18, eh.”

Pop singer Justin Bieber echoed DoRight’s message, writing, “We’ll get through this together, baby, xoxo” on his official Twitter account.

As of press time, Mounties Photo courtesy Aidin Yavari were still inves- Distressed Canadian Mable Butterworth took to the streets following the explosion. tigating the site of the blast, but preliminary themselves in, in the interest reports indicate that the of friendly relations. site “smells wonderful,” and In the aftermath of the ex“would make any Canadian plosion, the support from the who might draw near nostal- international community has

been outstanding. Barack Obama of the United States denied any American involvement in the blast, while wishing Canada “our warmest regards, and US maple syrup.” Gary Bettman, leader of the independent nation of NHL, also sent his well wishes, saying he “hope[s] games can still be played in the beautiful nation of Canadia.”

Locally, the Calgary Hitmen are not expected to miss any games, although it is rumored many of the team’s players are addicted to maple syrup and may suffer withdrawal-like symptoms in the coming weeks.

The FBI is expected to release a statement detailing its findings in the investigation of the explosion later today. It remains to be seen, however, if they will be motivated to pursue any suspects In times like these, it is important for Canadians big and small to remember our faith in our home and native land, the true North strong and free, as we brave this trying time.

by

Jake D’Souza your boss’s son

Maple syrup factory explosion stirs empire-wide panic by

Nate Sigmon

Kosher taste tester

Yesterday morning, Canadians everywhere were shocked to learn of an explosion at the nation’s largest Maple Syrup plant, the Maple Makery in Queen’s Stick, Alberta. The blast killed 27 government tasters and injured 76 others. At approximately 2:30 a.m., Standard Canada Time, residents living near the plant reported hearing a large bang, followed by the smell of “pancakes in the morning, eh,” according to one resident. “I was dreaming of the ’89 Stanley Cup when I was rudely awoken by a sound that might have been a gun, if I’d ever heard one, eh,” said Kazoo Mountain, 54, of Queen’s Stick. It was the third explosion in over 300 years at the Makery, and Canadian news outlets and celebrities alike are calling for action. As a result, the White Igloo has mobilized the Mounties, moving all 20 of them to the Federal Syrup Reserve in Montreal.

In the aftermath of the

explosion, many Canadian pundits were quick to suggest that the explosion may be connected to last month’s tragic shooting of Emperor Trudeau’s beloved pet moose Bullwinkle. Wolf News aired a segment tracing both events to the terrorist syndicate “The United States of America.”

Top Canadian celebrities have voiced their concerns as well. Rapper Drake of Toronto was in Queen’s Stick at the time of the explosion, and held a press conference detailing his plans of leaving Canada forever if events such as this are not limited. When asked if he had been hurt in the explosion, he murmured “Only by her,” and wiped away a tear before shimmying away from the dais.

Contrary to these bad feelings, however, top Mounty Official Dudley Do-Right released a statement kindly asking Canadians to keep calm, but making sure they knew it was okay if they wanted to freak out a bit.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” he was

SPORTS

October 30, 2015

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MIHS fall sports come to a close Maroon Lotus Nathan Benson and Nate Sigmon blossoms (continued) by

staff writers

Eight fall sports teams competed in KingCo competed this fall. Here is a brief rundown for each team’s performance.

Football Marred by injuries this season, the Islanders have still pulled through for several statement wins, namely the comeback victory over Liberty the night before Homecoming. “We’ve done good with guys that we’ve had,” said Jackson Caputo, a captain for the football team.

With sinking playoff hopes, the MI football team continues to work tirelessly. The Islanders are 2-5 (subject to change) this season, with a 1-4 record in KingCo.

Volleyball After finishing fifth in state last year, the MIHS volleyball team looks to claim the state title. “After losing two key players last year it’s always tough to tell how you’ll end up but really good people stepped up to fill their role and we have really good team chemistry,” said captain Natalie Robinson.

The team is currently ranked fourth in Washington state with a record of 11-1 in KingCo, but members of the team are quick to remind you that rankings don’t matter until you win.

Cross Country After having both the girls and boys teams reach State last year, cross country hopes to repeat the accomplishment. On the boys’ side, injuries have been an issue but the team is getting healthier and coming together at the right time. “All the guys are coming together,” said captain Tiger McBurney. The girls placed second in Kingco and they hope to qualify for State at the upcoming District tournament on Oct. 31.

Boys Golf The boys golf team is recovering from a slow start this year with a strong finish. Although the team was looking to win KingCo at the beginning of the season, that goal quickly disappeared after two tough losses to open the season. The team has rebounded though, and according to captain Zach Evens is “excited to lock up second place in KingCo.”

Boys Tennis The boys tennis team is another MIHS sports team with a near perfect record, including an undefeated record inside of KingCo. The tennis team is looking to bring home the state title once more and the players are optimistic about their chances. “They’re [Bellevue] our main competition for State right now, but I think we’re pretty confident,” said captain Ben Bethards.

The last time MI played Bel-

levue, MI won five matches to two.

Girls Soccer

Boasting a near perfect record of 10-1, the loss coming at Bellevue on Oct. 6, girls soccer looks to win KingCo and State. Currently the girls soccer team is in second place in KingCo. “We’re in first place right now, so it shouldn’t be too hard to retain,” said captain Piper Casey.

Boys Water Polo The boys water polo season thus far has been one of constant improvement. “At the beginning of the year we lost to Curtis 18-8, then we played them last time and lost 9-7,” said captain Ford Whitman.

As the team improves on their shots and swim times, they look to make their mark at state.

Girls Swimming “We’re the best,” said swimmer Sydney Seto. In terms of record, she is correct. The Islanders boast a 9-0 record on the season, first place in KingCo. After hiring a new coach this past offseason, the Islanders have “adopted well” to new head coach Chris Conroy. “[We have] a lot of fast freshmen,” said swimmer Maeve Murdoch. The team will look to win the State Championship on Nov. 14.

Statistics accurate through Oct. 27.

Posters of student athletes hang around school by

Jake D’Souza

staff writer

Last September, the booster clubs of several high school sports teams placed posters around the school featuring a variety of players on each team.

The high school football team hung posters in the CLot. The team spoke with Associate Principal Mark Zmuda, and he supported the idea of the posters. The original plan was to place the posters in the stadium itself; however, the team changed its mind and they decided to hang them from the parking lot lights in the C-Lot. The posters were then approved

by Mercer Island School District and hung during the second week of September.

The cost was entirely covered by the Football Booster Club.

Because of the large team and limited space, posters were only hung for players in the twelfth grade as well as the team managers.

Students are excited to represent and recognize the Mercer Island football team.

However, some wish that the posters were hung in the stadium itself. Still, the posters are a great way to show

fans which students play on terest in making permanent the team The posters will be posters to be placed in the taken down at end of the sea- parking lot as well as othson and replaced with ban- er parts of the school. The ners for school a difis conferent sidersport or ing a club. poster Footfor all ball is of the not the sports o n l y teams, t e a m or even w i t h just the

by James Cartwright p o s t - Posters featuring student athletes hang in thePhoto c a p C-Lot. e r s . tains.

The girls varsity basketball There are also talks of banteam has posters hanging in ners to represent other clubs the gymnasium. Other teams and groups of the school such have different ways of pro- as the debate team. It is also moting their sport. Any other possible that banners will teams or clubs that wish to hang from other parts of the promote themselves may ad- school such as entrances or vertise as they wish, as long halls. as they go through the corA goal of the school is to rect procedure to get it ap- include and represent everyproved. body in the school and comThe school is looking into a munity. All clubs and teams permanent process that stu- are more than welcome to dents must go through to get hang posters as they wish as their posters approved. There long as they are approved. currently is no policy regard- You can do so by contacting ing posters. An official policy Associate Principal Hentershould be placed into effect son Carlisle if you wish to next year. The code would promote your club. Contact moderate the size, content, Zmuda if you wish to proand location of the posters. mote your team.

MIHS has also shown in-

in the middle of trying want to get involved and who to figure out a little more maybe don’t have the chance structure to the group. We’re to.” going to have, hopefully, sort However, the flag dudes of an inner group of the more and the group’s admins want dedicated people who really everyone to be involved. want to go out to stuff, like a They are trying to reach out golf match 40 minutes away.” and inform students about Anyone can join this “inner the Maroon Lotus, especially circle,” but one must also underclassmen.

“We accomplish certain goals to desperately need help from maintain membership, all for younger people and that’s the purpose of encouraging why we want underclassmen school spirit and promoting involved because we aren’t lesser-known events. Jones friends with all those people said that to be in the inner on Facebook,” said Jones. circle, “you have to go to “We need them to invite their one event friends, as f r o m well as the e v e r y people who sport that don’t have season, Facebook. as well Those are as a play, the people and then we want to you have get involved to take a and who selfie of Photo by James Cartwright maybe don’t y o u r s e l f The Maroon Lotus hopes to bring the spirit found at football have the games to other sporting events throughout the year. there to chance to.” prove you were there and Apart from helping develop send it to our email.” The and promote the Maroon idea is that at the end of the Lotus, Ryan Jones, Bernie year, all of the accumulated Agress, Zeke Larson, and pictures will create a massive Cameron Wittman, intend collage in the shape of the to leave a new legacy as MI logo, which will then be flag dudes this year. As the mounted on a school wall, icon of MIHS spirit, they similar to the senior mural. want to maintain previous With all of these new ideas in school traditions, while also mind, Jones wonders how the establishing new ones, such student body will respond. “It as winter spirit dances and will be interesting to see how dodgeball. “A lot of people well it catches on, to see if have expectations of what people actually want to be in the flag dudes are supposed the top level [of the Maroon to be, which is good, and Lotus]. We are going to that is what traditions are bribe people, we’ve designed all about,” said Ryan, “but I apparel and everything that also think tradition can be a we’ll give out for free.” dangerous word sometimes, However, the flag dudes so it’s the balance of and the group’s admins want cultivating traditions and everyone to be involved. creating new ones.”

They are trying to reach out The flag dudes look forward and inform students about to contributing to MIHS the Maroon Lotus, especially spirit and leaving a positive underclassmen.

“We memory on the student desperately need help from body. “In 20 years, you may younger people and that’s not remember one assembly why we want underclassmen or one great football game, involved because we aren’t but you’ll remember being friends with all those people a part of something and on Facebook,” said Jones. being involved in something “We need them to invite their greater than yourself,” said friends, as well as the people Jones. “That’s what we want who don’t have Facebook. to leave.”

Those are the people we

Make sure to check out our website at mihsislander.org!

Swine F

Snapchat

by

Christine Lee

@chocolatebark

This past Tuesday, MIHS science teacher Shannon Sue made a terrifying discovery about the new Snapchat update. Through a series of scientific observations, Sue discovered that the new Snapchat face-swap filter actually swaps the faces of its users.

“I was taking selfies with my son, Calvin, when I realized that my face looked more youthful than usual. At first I thought it was this new anti-aging cream I found online, but then I realized that Calvin and I had actually swapped faces!” said Sue. After uploading the discovery to his snap-story, as well as to his Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook accounts, the science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to find the cause of the face-swap. Using the complete scientific method, Sue investigated plausible causes of the reaction and discovered that the face-swap came from a multi-step process performed when using the new Snapchat filter, presented to the public about a month prior.

“Through acute and thorough research, I have found that when you blink three times, make a pouty face, dab to the left, then yell ‘Damn Daniel!’, you swap faces with the closest person in the room!” said the chemistry teacher.

“It’s a shame. Now when I cover songs on my YouTube channel, people will only make comments asking about my skin regiment, not my voice or my ukulele skills.”

Numerous scientific organizations

Flu 2.0

t Edition

are in awe at the breakthrough. Bill Nye the Science Guy stated in a recent interview with TIME magazine, “This might be the most ground-breaking scientific discovery since Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. I am intrigued what further investigation the subject matter will generate for the scientific community.”

While the discovery of the application’s virus has become essential to scientists’ understanding of technological viruses, news of Sue’s multi-step process has spread throughout the Mercer Island community and has caused several cases of literal face swapping.

“In a series of unfortunate events, 12 MIHS students and teachers have swapped faces with each other and are currently in the school’s infirmary. We do not know much about this disease, so until we gain more information, we advise all members of the Mercer Island community to refrain from participating in any social media fads,” said Principal Vicki Puckett at the Mercer Island School District press conference last night.

Sophomore Aidan Dobson explained his reasoning for swapping faces with his dog. “I had to try it, even though I look like a beast now. I don’t regret my decision at all.”

Sue has set up a GoFundMe account and plans to use the money to further his research in treatment methods. “As of right now, all we can do is inform the public to stop swapping faces and increase the awareness of this awful epidemic.”

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Opinions FACTS

mihsislander.org

by Jon Perr, Divorce Attorney

“Being in a relationship is like bench pressing. It’s fine until you make a mistake and find 300 pounds falling on your neck. Here’s how to save your relationship gains.”

Make sure to reply to her texts every 23 minutes. You don’t want to seem like you care too much, but you also probably want to respond.

If she seems distant, tell her you love her. Telling her that you want to be together forever is also a nice touch.

If issues arise in the relationship, hit the gym. Your toned body will surely distract her from your disappointing personality.

Text her something every morning like “Good morning baby :) Wake up sleepy head :) Wake up pretty girl :) You’re beautiful and I love you but I can’t love you while you’re asleep. So wake up :) Babe, open your pretty eyes and bless the world with your beautiful smile :) Wake up :)” Note that these texts should be delivered in roughly six messages all within 15 minutes.

Treat problems in your relationship like any good gym bro treats his legs. Ignore them and let them disappear.

“Forget your wallet at home” every time you go out. This will save you a lot of the allowance your parents give you once a week.

If you are by any chance injured while she is around, say something like “ouch.” This will show her that you have feelings.

Start shamelessly hitting on her friends. Her jealousy is guaranteed to make her want you more.

Try to get her to go to the gym with you. This will allow her to see the few impressive characteristics you do have.

Jonathan “Love Doctor” Perr was raised by wild racoons in the exotic Olympic Mountains of Washington State for most of his childhood. There he witnessed love at its purest form, watching mountain goat after mountain goat find love, studiously taking notes on nearby leaves (these were later collected and published as Jonathan’s first novel, “Naked and Not Afraid”). Today, Jonathan spends his days paddle boarding around south Lake Washington, stopping to share his wisdom with passing travelers on his monogrammed megaphone. Jonathan is a world-renowned relationship guru, contributing to respected magazines such as Tigerbeat, Sur la Table catalog, and Pro Cycling.

April 1, 2016

CAMPUS LIFE

7

Wagon Wheeling: the beginning of the tragic end by

Marissa Look wagon expert

Wagon Wheel, a newfound drug, has become a large problem amongst students across the world and must be stopped before all humans fall under the influence of wagons.

Wagon Wheel is rampant and dangerous - and the dangers lie in the side effects. Students affected

by Wagon Wheeling suffer from extreme hallucinations which can lead to deaths.

R. McDonald, a 40-year-old victim of this horrid drug, recalls his experience with the realistic hallucinations.

“The wagon told me to bring it to the barn...and I had to obey her orders or else she would hurt my family. Then we planned an underground meeting with other Wagon Wheelers...they’re starting a war, I know it. The wagons will destroy us all. Human-

ity is hopeless and the wag- counts of stolen wagons from her...I don’t know where she ons will rise again.” irate farmers, and various was even going because she Recently released scientif- companies are furious over kept running into the wall ic studies indicate that the the recent break-ins for and making lots of noise. popularity in Wagon Wheel- these wooden carts. One of When I told her to leave, ing rose she sprinted after stuaway with dents took only one a “Most of wagon. No Us” survey, idea where an anonyshe is now.” mous quesThe rise tionnaire of Wagon about drug Wheeling in and alco2016 conhol use. 49 cerns scienpercent of tists.

Mcstudents at Donald, who Mercer Isworks in the land High basement of S c h o o l his parent’s

Photo courtesy Nature Files have ad- A wagon belonging to one irate farmer (above) plagues R. McDonald daily with horrific hallucinations. home, has mitted to been examhaving tried this drug. “I’m the employees of a hardware ining different drugs by testnot really sure what’s going store recalls his ing them on himself. “Yeah, on, but you could probably meeting with one of these no this time it’s the real deal, find it at Home Depot or Wagon Wheel addicts. “It I swear. Even though the maybe even QFC,” a student was so crazy - she was hold- drug has completely worn off said. ing about five wagons and on me, completely, definiteThere are countless ac- dragging two others behind ly, I think, sometimes I hear

[the wagons] whispering to me at night…”

New reports suggest that Wagon Wheel could be an airborne disease. However, scientists are not sure.

In fact, no one really knows anything about this drug.

With so little information and a rising fear of wagons, these self-proclaimed scientists are our only hope.

However, they never seem to agree. While McDonald claims to have taken the drug before, another scientist, S. Lion, says that he is the creator of this drug and has never released any to the public. He claims that there was no possible way McDonald had ingested the drug. One source documented the truth behind McDonald’s crazed behavior: “He just really likes wagons.”

Overall, we suggest families keep their kids home from school until scientists find the real cure.

Starbucks civil war on Island Loitering with the Laugharys Zoe Levin

bucks tweeted on March 3, “South end lattes are dirt coffee connoisseur #NorthEnd’sBetter,” which After months of tension, a began a north vs south end war broke out between the starbucks twitter war. The three Starbuckses of Mercer south end Starbucks sent Island on March 1, to deterspies to the north end, who mine the dominant Mercer posed as baristas and saboIsland Starbucks. taged all of the peppermint The three Starbucks on mochas. Starbucks began Mercer Island began to grow serving drinks in cups readangry with one another in ing “choose the right end.” early December. Business in Customers have begun to the winter of purchase scald2015 was not ing Starbucks ideal due to beverages for poor skiing the sole purconditions. pose of throwing As a result them in their of warmer enemies’ faces. weather and Overlake Hosless snow in pital Medical the mounCenter reporttains, Mered an increase cer Island in mocha and residents latte burns since went skiing the Starbucks and snow Photo courtesy Flickr war broke out. b o a r d i n g The northend Starbucks recently outfitted their store with turrets to prepare for the civil war.

“I haven’t seen less frethis many cofquently, and therefore pur- become known by south end fee related injuries since the chased fewer chestnut pra- residents as “superficial, Christmas cup controversy,” line lattes. stuck up and greedy.” “Who said Overlake doctor Justin Mercer Island residents needs two Starbuckses? May. added to the tension by fa- Those north end people need Non-coffee drinkers of voring their local Starbucks. to think about poverty and Mercer Island want the war A Facebook poll posted on real problems, not coffee,” to end. “Getting coffee is so March 15 showed 87 per- said a south end resident. stressful, I just want to order cent of Mercer Island citiSouth end residents are my green tea lemonade in zens were involved in the rumored to be either “young peace,” said a Mercer Island Starbucks war. According to morons,” because of the large resident. the poll, the warring Mercer amount of middle school age This war of the Starbucks Island residents were com- customers, or “basic yoga is a revolution, as it is the pletely split on the opinion moms” who go grocery shop- first declared war over chain of which end had the su- ping and stop in Starbucks coffee establishments. There perior Starbucks. North- to pick up a quick Matcha are already reports rumorenders were sure that their Latte. ing a war between the TulStarbuckses were the best, Starting March 1, the ly’s on Mercer and the one in and the South-enders felt north and south end Star- Bellevue. The Mercer Island the same about their Star- bucks began to partake in Starbucks war will go down bucks. Soon, snarky remarks many violent acts against in history as the Great Coffee between north and south one another. @northendstar- War. by

enders were common.

“Those north end people think they’re so great with their drive through. It makes me sick,” said one south end resident. “People who go to the south end for Starbucks are basic, white mochas, and north end customers are flat whites. Those are big differences,” said a north end resident.

North end residents have

by

Hanna Norén Gossip Girl

The eleventh season’s finale of the hit reality television series “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” aired on Feb. 21. The episode received the lowest rankings ever recorded in the show’s history at a striking twenty-three viewers. Yes, twenty-three. As in, people. Despite America’s disappointment at the demise of such an iconic American classic reality show, the country highly anticipates the debut of the new spin-off show titled “Loitering with the Laugharys.”

“Loitering with the Laugharys” follows the life of Charles and Mary-Ellen Laughary and their six children, Kristy, Kelly, Creighton, Clay, Corey, and Casey.

As predicted, the former Spokane family lives a grandiose life in Beverly Hills, Calif.

The family’s meteoric rise to fame began when the Laughary men released their first YouTube video “Manscaping 101: How to Shape your Beard.” The smash hit tutorial featured all of the Laughary men shaving their beards into various shapes.

The most impressive shape, the quadratic formula, was sculpted on the mug of MIHS math teacher Clay Laughary.

A week after the viral release of the YouTube video and subsequent hype, talkshow host Ellen DeGeneres featured the artistic family on her popular show. DeGeneres was the first to notice similarities to the

Kardashians, with almost everyone’s name starting with a C or K. She also acts as producer for “Loitering with the Laugharys.”

The pilot episode of “Loitering with the Laugharys” will air on April 3, 2016 on SPIKE. The episode will introduce each family member, reveal the source of the family’s fame, and provide insight into the Laughary lifestyle. Each episode of the dramatic reality show starts with a player profile of the Laughary divas, which includes: Charles: Family man Charles cares mostly about his Audi R8 Spyder. He barbecues filet mignon on his personally crafted barbecue, imported from Australia, but refuses to call it a “Barbie.”

Mary-Ellen: Momager Mary keeps her family in check. She is never seen without her million dollar Fendi sunglasses. Met husband Charles on Tinder.

Clay: Wabash alumnus.

Clay spends all of his free time exploring and testing different pie recipes. Clay loves mathematics and is famous for never making mathematical errors, but enjoys playing bingo.

Creighton: Although he is an English teacher, Creighton struggles pronouncing words, most notably pleasure (PLAY-sure) and poem (POem). Creighton lives vicariously through his daughters.

Tune in to watch the new series Sundays at 8 p.m.

Central Time on SPIKE!

Eyebrows: What do they really mean?

Recently, eyebrows have become a world-wide phenomena described by many as “on point.” But what does the eyebrow truly reveal about a person? Brows are more than what meet the eye and deserve more than the mere description, “on fleek.” Some say eyes are the window to the soul, but eyebrows tell more about a person than any other physical feature. Through shape and style, eyebrows reveal a person’s innate self.

“All you need to succeed are confidence and killer brows” -Cara Delevingne

Waxed and Well Shaped: On the surface, those who boast perfect eyebrows seem to have everything figured out, but as you stare into their beautifully arched brows, you will find a hidden mystery. Under a layer of perfection lies their controlling and obsessive personalities. They wax their brows almost monthly, causing irritation and pain that carries over into their daily lives, a constant reminder of their authoritative personalities.

“Jacob may have more body hair than I do, but I have cooler eyebrows!”

-Robert Pattinson

Caterpillar-like Brows: Those with bushy and overgrown brows are often trying to get their lives together. One can easily get lost when gazing at their tangled brows --- an overgrown forest that seems to stretch forever. These crazy patches of fur represent their chaotic and tangled lives, but no one has more fun than these people. Being in their company is always an adventure, partly because just looking at their brows is an event in itself.

Photo Courtesy of Twitter

Photo Courtesy of Harpers-Bazzar

Unibrow: The unibrow is the eyebrow equivalent of a mullet: business on the sides and party in the middle. These people can be serious when they want, but when the time is right they can really let loose. Those who boast a unibrow are the life of the party. They bring excitement and entertainment to every event. They take pride in their uni“My brow may slow me down brow, and are normally confident and aerodynamically, but I like it and self-assured. Everyone needs a unihave named it Calipalri.” brow friend to spice up life.

-Anthony Davis

“I’ve got one less problem without my eyebrows.”

-Ariana Grande

Photo Courtesy of Play Buzz

Overly done brows: Those who have overly-done brows give off a façade of perfection. They are unattainable models of beauty that everyone aspires to be. Yet these people are not as perfect as the world thinks. Under layers of brow powder and makeup there is a hidden truth: a layer of insecurity that they attempt to hide. Next time you admire perfectly shaped and colored brows, look a little harder. These brows might not be what they seem.

Photo Courtesy of Business Insider

Eyebrows serve more of a purpose than mere looks. Brows are an extension of the heart, and reveal a person’s innermost characteristics. Next time you want to get to know a person, just stare into their brows. This alone will tell you everything you need to know.

The content within this newspaper is entirely fictitious. Happy April Fools’ Day!

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