THE
GASTROPOD
PAID
MERCER IS SCHOOL DIST 400
This newspaper is a work of nonfiction. All resemblance to real people and things is completely intentional.
The April Fools Issue • April 2,
mihsislander.org
Babadook Sues Netflix
Sports with Maya and Hannah
Features
Sports
Two unathletic students review the Winter Olympics and school sports
Netflix's negligence outs the Babadook without his permission 3
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Volume VII, Edition 6
Class of 2020
Class of 2020
This year's sophomores are reIntegrity, Innovation, Inspiration: the ally not THAT bad sophomore class embodies it all Opinions 11 Opinions 8
A Second Semester Senior’s Guide to Scholastic Success
Sami Bender’s top ten tips for winning at high school Sami Bender UWBOUNDBB
1. Get a laptop. It’s much easier to online shop on a laptop than your iPad. Also, you can change from Schoology to "Revolve" or a "Fortnite" stream a lot faster. 2. Forgo QFC baked goods when offering treats to your teachers; have your mom bake a fresh plum coffee cake or tiramisu instead. Like the old proverb says, “The way to an A is through the stomach.� 3. If you have trouble coming to class on time make sure to check the door window before you enter the class. Time your entrance justtttt as your teacher turns their back to the door. 4. If you have trouble coming to class at all, make sure to have excuses ready for the attendance office. Having “the flu� is getting old. Try “foot doctor appointment,� your fourteenth “college visit,� or mask your midday midweek haircut appointment by saying you have physical therapy for your fake knee injury. 5. Beg. Not quite like a dog,
but pretty much exactly like that. The average teacher’s patience for nagging is a lot lower than you might expect. Pro tip: Keep your eyes big, your tone of voice at a pre-tween range, and blurt all your reasonings why you should get that A all at once for optimal results. 6. Establish a personal relationship with your favorite teacher. Then put all your time and energy into that relationship to get a good letter of recommendation. Then get them a thank you gift after they submit your letter of recommendation. Then give up in their class, they can’t rescind a letter of rec and the year is basically over anyway! 7. Skyward is your best friend. Once you download the app, there is no going back. Who cares if it turns you into the person at the party checking why your Journalism grade is a D and why you are failing Walking for Fitness. 8. Google Docs. GOoogle DOCs. GOOGLE DOCS. Want to make a group chat but don’t want to text in
class? Google Docs. Have a test coming up? Google Docs study guide. Need to share an essay with your teacher but want to continue editing it past the due date? Google. Docs. 9. Participation is key. Get loud. Or, in the off chance you are the 98 percent of MIHS students who are afraid to speak in class, open up your Gmail and email away. Pro tip: Possible email topics include but are not limited to: irrelevant articles about in-class topics, that article you just read on the Cosmopolitan feed on Snapchat or that hilarious and relatable meme from the MIHS Memes group that perfectly roasts your teacher. 10. KISS. Keep it simple, stupid! Great advice, hurts your feelings every time. If you can master the art of grade grubbing, you can get down the aisle at graduation. Pro tip: Don’t be surprised when there is no diploma for you at graduation. The administration just wants to make sure you actually paid that fee for losing your Environmental Science textbook (again).
The author representing her third-quarter grade in Journalism.
Photo courtesy Sami Bender
New Nerf Gun Control Laws Incite Outrage Bring Back the Spirit of the measure. Marie Degler, a Mercer Island banned from Toys R Us mother says “As a reElementary schoolers sponsible mom, I cannot across Washington state sleep at night wondering are outraged at recent if my child could be the proposals to introduce victim of another vicious mandatory background Nerf attack!� checks for all Nerf gun Hasbro estimates that purchases. approximately 4 million The legislation, inAmerican children are struck with foam bullets each year, more than any other nation on Earth. For Degler and those like her, these “unacceptable� statistics are responsible for politically motivating action. However, the measure is not without its detractors. Protests have erupted in middle and elementary schools across the nation condemning the legislation for impeding on children’s 2nd AmendPhotos courtesy Best for the Kids, PNG Mart, Dylan Notturno; edited by Lucille Shield ment Rights. Junior Dylan Notturno, an avid Nerf gun enthusiast, will lose his Nerf gun privileges if legislation goes into effect. (continued on page 4) Ben Capuano
troduced April 1, would require all prospective buyers to be processed through the National Instant Snottiness Background Check System before being allowed to buy a gun. This revolutionary new system analyzes children based on the amount of times
they’ve cheated at Heads Up, Seven Up, the number of times they’ve been tagged, and the amount of vegetables left uneaten to determine whether or not they are responsible enough to purchase deadly Nerf weaponry. Parents across the state have come out in support
Renzin G. Short hypebeast
This year at MIHS, there’s been a noticeable decline in spirit. Sports games are quiet, assemblies are tame, and the Flag Dudes get a fraction of the cheers they used to get. In general, there seems to be a sense of apathy among the student body. Yet I’m glad that at least some students are doing their part to promote spirit. I’m all about spirit. At football games, you’ll see me in the stands heckling the other team, and afterwards you’ll see me by the bathrooms, ripping stall doors off their hinges because we lost. When it’s time for an assembly, I’m the guy running frantically from The Man across the staff parking lot. And when student government puts on an event, I do the exact opposite of whatever they say. I know a thing or two about this community. My
family’s lived on Mercer Island since prehistoric times. When the first wave of human migration canoed down the Pacific Coast, my ancestors pelted them with rocks. When the first Native Americans settled in what’s now Seattle, they labored long hours to support my family’s growing stockpile of wealth. (continued on page 9)
The MIHS Islander @themihsislander
For more content and expanded articles, scan the above QR code, visit our social media or check out our website at www.mihsislander.org.
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horoscopes.com
TAG YOURSELF: Horoscope Edition
ARIES
TAURUS
MARCH 21 - APRIL 20
APRIL 21 - MAY 21
• made an impulsive last minute decision to stay up all night watching vine compilations and eating hot cheetos instead of studying for your math quiz. • you show up to your math class and suddenly all you can think about is why arkansas is pronounced arkanSAW instead of kansas. You are confusion. America explain???
• woke up 15 minutes before school started, rolled out of bed and tripped over your backpack and face planted. It’s okay you’re fine though, yeah, totally. • everyone keeps asking if you’re sick but you just didn’t have time to shower or brush your hair. • teacher marked you absent even though you were there the whole time.
LEO
CANCER • just had your fifth mental breakdown this morning, congrats it’s less than yesterday • tears are good for your skin, so at least your skin will look good. • forgot about your test next period? Don’t worry, your grade can’t get any lower, anyway!
GEMINI MAY 22 - JUNE 21
• the teacher moved your seat away from your friend so you would stop talking • jokes on them though everyone in class is your friend • got kicked out of class for talking. It was the one time you actually asked a clarifying academic related question
VIRGO
AUGUST 24 - SEPTEMBER 23
JULY 23 - AUGUST 23
JUNE 22 - JULY 22
By Maya Virdell
• got overly excited about chicken tender tuesday and ran to the line only to trip on someone’s shoe and ram your head into the wall. • currently in the nurse’s office and they won’t stop handing you ice. • by the time you leave the nurses the chicken tenders are gone and all that is left is honey mustard.
• stayed up all night learning about 18th century france, that you woke up and screamed “Vive la revolution!” • you’re so stressed about school, you can’t feel anything at this point • feelings? What’s that? Never heard of them. PHOTOS COURTESY WIKIPEDIA, ICONS8, ODYSSEY, 4 VECTOR, AND ICON SCOUT CONTINUED ONLINE AT MIHSISLANDER.ORG
The World’s BEST Makeout Movies Contributors:
Grady Short
relationship expert
Jake D’Souza
the business manager
Co-Editors-in-Chief Sophie Poole and Grady Short partner with Business Manager Jake D’Souza to comment on what they think are the Best Makeout Movies. This is a list you’ll definitely want to check out.
Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
GS: As the romantic interest between Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala develops in the most awkward, forced, and stilted manner possible, you and your significant other can follow along and do the exact same! JD: “I don’t like sand.” A line which will be forever memorialized by the confused grimaces and sudden shift in mood of the person sitting next to you on a couch.
The Lizzie McGuire Movie
SP: Making out to this movie is definitely what dreams are made of… GS: Who’s Lizzie McGuire? JD: ^
World of Chemistry: Episode 4
JD: Perfect to create good chemistry between your partner! SP: Bonding of all kinds – ionic, covalent, and romantic.
Food, Inc.
SP: This will be sure to make your insides spin!
All the President’s Men
GS: After staring at Richard Nixon’s grim visage, almost anyone else looks attractive.
Sophie Poole
the original Jacuzzi sister
My Little Pony: Equestrian Girls
SP: Everyone loves a horse girl :) neigh! GS: saddle up JD: I recommend this movie for when you’re with your mane partner and not the side piece.
Lemonade Mouth
SP: I love Bridget Mendler! So sour! JD: TBH I’d probably think more about Bridget Mendler than I would the person I’m making out with. @Bridget HMU
COMRADE KIM GOES FLYING
GS: GOOD EDUCATIONAL SHORT FILM. SP: NOT PROPAGANDA. AND VERY FUN!
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April 2, 2018
Why I Love The MIHS Islander – An Essay By Roni Talby Part 1
The first thing I noticed when I woke up were the bounds around my hands and feet, and the blindfold I was wearing. I fruitlessly struggled in my chair for an unknown amount of time until I heard a door open, then footsteps. “Good evening Miss Talby.” I froze as I heard the evil, sickening, voice of the man whom I fought everyday since the beginning of the year, Spencer Klein. He removed my blindfold. “Let me go, Klein,” I snarled. He chuckled darkly, lowering his eyes to the ground. “Our organization has noticed that you left an… unsavory review on the MIHS Islander Facebook page.” “So?” I spat defiantly. “This newspaper deserves a three star rating.” Klein bent his knees to meet my gaze. “Thing is, you lowered our five-star rating to a 4.6. The boss isn’t too happy about that.” “Twombley can go lick a doorknob!” “I would advise against petty insults, Talby. Twombley has sent a battalion of editors beyond this room, all ready to attack if you refuse to listen.” I looked at him and I knew he wasn’t bluffing. Christopher Twombley was the most sadistic Journalism teacher in MIHS history, and the mastermind behind everything that goes on in the school. “What do you want?” I hissed. Klein’s disgusting smirk widened into a grin. “Simple, Talby. You must delete your post on Facebook and write an article on why you love our paper. You will give us a five star review, saying that that The MIHS Islander is amazing and has no faults whatsoever.” I could barely stomach the thought of lying to the world about how corrupt The MIHS Islander was, and I couldn’t bear to be accomplice to Twombley and his goons. “And if I don’t?” “Well,” Klein replied, “If the threat of Twombley’s editors isn’t enough, you wouldn’t want anything to happen to
your precious fellow staff writers.” I gasped, which hatched a smile from Klein. “Tests every day, emptied lunch balances from Tuesday to Friday, and no more food in class.” “You monster!” “And it would be all your fault.” He had the audacity to chuckle again. If my hands weren’t tied behind a chair, I would have punched him. “It’s your decision, Talby.” I had no choice. If I refused, I would face an army of Twombley’s minions, and even if I survived, my fellow staff writers face would face a living nightmare. “Fine.” Klein took out a pair of scissors and sliced my bonds. He then took out an iPad and threw it at me, which I barely caught. On this iPad was an open word document, titled “Why I love the MIHS Islander.” Before I could look up, Klein had slammed the door shut, leaving me with the iPad and my thoughts. I stood there, rubbing the painful laceration marks left by the rope. Then I looked at the iPad. I felt utterly hopeless, at the complete whim of the school propaganda machine. I thought over what Klein said. “Write an article on why you love our paper.” I hate that stupid humor editor. Humor. Suddenly, my fingers were tapping mercilessly at the keyboard, beginning the outline of my piece. If it’s an article they want, it’s an article they’ll get.
Part 2
I have read a plethora of newspapers from around the world, but The MIHS Islander truly stands out as the best and most underrated paper on Mercer Island. Here are ten things I especially appreciate about it. 1. There are many underreported stories in these stressful times, like the continuous kidnapping of indigenous children to be put in the foster system, leading to miserable childhoods away from their grieving parents. That’s important, but high schoolers don’t want to be informed,
Babadook Sues Netflix Over Outing Him Asher O’Briant Last June, Netflix sorted the movie “The Babadook,” an Australian horror film, into the LGBT+ movie category; now the Babadook is suing the service. Since the error in Netflix’s algorithm occurred, the supernatural character has become a known gay icon. At pride parades all over the country people are dressing up and celebrating having the Babadook as a queer champion. However, not everyone is loving all of the attention on him. “I wanted to come out in my own time; next thing I know they have pictures of me covered in rainbows on a parade float,” the Babadook said. The suit against Netflix accuses the platform for “outing” him from the closet without his permission. The whole ordeal left the Babadook “caught off guard,” and he is seeking financial retribution for his trauma. This lawsuit has also got many other paranormal horror characters coming out of the woodwork to express their opinion on Netflix’s lack of discretion. Pennywise, an old friend of the Babadook since they graduated from Yale, said,
#ThoughtsAndPrayers Let Students Express Sadness Lucille Shield
“the gay one”
not negan’s bat
Photo courtesy The Guardian Although he didn’t like being outed, the Babadook is now happily out of the closet.
“I think it is shameful, frankly. Just because he is a monster doesn’t mean YOU have to be a bigot.” Many other characters have stated that they stand with the Babadook as well, including the self-identifying Gaylien from the movie “Alien” and the asexual Freddy Krueger from “The Nightmare on Elm Street.” Many of Netflix’s viewers are now concerned about the blatant discrimination against fictional queer characters. The platform has been under fire with people stepping up to protect these victims. Netflix claims that suggesting the Babadook identified as LGBT+ was
an honest mistake. The queer community, desperate for any representation in media, immediately jumped on the idea of him being gay, which has left the company trying to do damage control for their mix up. The celebration of the character at pride events and in the community appears to have no end. While the outing and this aftermath turned his life upside down, he is trying to take this in stride, “I wish I could’ve come out in my own time, but at least now I can be the type of monster that hides under beds instead of in the closet.”
they want gossip. This is why our team is dedicated to finding and taking down the Bathroom Bandit who has caused the 200 hall boys restroom to close down. 2. The editors are tough, but only to make the writers tougher. Besides, writers say the stupidest things, like “I haven’t eaten in eight days” or “Please let my family go.” 3. Our Puckett-worshiping cult is coming along very nicely 4. We go on exciting missions to make dead undocumented immigrants vote, all to destroy America in favor of our liberal agenda. 5. The microscopic vapes Twombley puts into pasta-Monday lunches turns the student body’s brains to mush, which are donated to local Taco Bells for tacos. 6. The anti-sophomore agenda to crush their resistance is going swell. Soon all sophomores will be expelled, and freshmen will turn go directly to junior year. No more troublemakers! 7. The editors are getting better at disrupting the class everyday. Soon all the staff writers will go deaf so we can focus better on our work! 8. Puckett has issued an order to eliminate anyone who dares to say “heck” in front of her, and we are gladly fulfilling her mission. 9. MIHS editors have been working on a clone of Obama to guard the school from evil Girl Scout capitalists. 10. We all agree on placement of the Oxford comma, of course, because that’s how we trap the souls of our staff writers. Reasons like these are why the Islander is great. Everything here shows why MIHS is the best. So many reasons. I love it. Simply a divine paper. Truly an impressive newspaper. There are too many reasons for me to list. Who knew high schoolers where such good writers! Only with our amazing editors and teachers are we able to do this. MIHS is a great school with a great newspaper. Best teacher, best editors, and best staff writers. Last but not least, we are making a HUGE difference. Excellent reporting from dedicated writers. You know you love The Islander!
Others find in the hashtag a new form of expression. “Thoughts and prayers…. they’re important,” math teacher Emily Bender said. “Whenever something bad happens, I know I can put minimal effort into preventing it from happening again.” But some students dis-
er co-founders were accused of being the most boring debaters in Debate Club.” The #thoughtsandprayers Club’s mission is to spread their philosophy and convince others to follow in their footsteps. “Change can only be accomplished through our #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” the
As students walk out of school or turn to social media to protest, the hashtag #ThoughtsAndPrayers is becoming teenagers’ catchphrase. This inspirational movement emerged two years ago after Bridges was moved from after 7th period to before 6th. An anonymous junior tweeted the words “Bridges was moved, I see five people crying, SAD! My heart goes out those who can’t leave school early, #thoughtsandPhoto by The MIHS Islander prayers.” The message was Graphic designers at The Islander have created this visualization of the impact of thoughts and prayers. retweeted by over eight agree. “It’s just so political! I club’s website states. MIHS students, making it really hate how extreme kids Wilson, Allison Ramirez viral. are these days. Why can’t and Megan Cross met over “I really like the message they just calm down and eat a year ago in Peru, where it carries. #ThoughtsAnd- their tide pods, haha.” The they did “charity work” and Prayers means I’m empa- anonymous senior walked gathered material for their thizing and I feel sad. It’s an away, laughing at her “epic college essays. “I learned easy way for me to show that roast.” a lot from that trip, like the I care about people who have The #ThoughtsAndPray- fact that I live an incrediproblems,” Josh Landon ers Club, founded by three bly sheltered life and that said. sophomores, meets every it really sucks to be poor,” “It’s so ambiguous,” other day to discuss these Ramirez said. “I’m not sure Landon’s friend Samantha allegations. “We’re not polit- if my volunteer work in Peru Richardson added. “Like, do ical in the slightest!” Henry did much, but hey, those I care? Maybe, but no one Wilson, one of the founders poor, hungry people have knows for sure.” said. “In fact, me and the oth- my #ThoughtsAndPrayers.”
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dylanforasbprez.com
Dylan Notturno’s Very Important Rules for Rules Dylan Notturno
the real business manager
Hi, my name is Dylan, and I have a confession to make: I love rules. Sometimes when I am home alone, I sit down and I come up with a bunch of rules. It is so relaxing. People in Journalism think my love for rules is funny—but I think the opposite. Rules are one of the most serious things in the world, and there is zero room for laughter. So, for all of you reading this article, I hope to educate you on what makes a rule perfect. I don’t currently have an official position in Journalism; however, I have been an assistant to our adviser, Chris Twombley, as he teaches the class on journalistic standards, such as the rules of AP Style and copy-editing. A common misconception about rules is that they are subjective, and that there is room for interpretation. I am here to tell you that those individuals who are loose constructionists, are, well, incorrect. Rules are the equivalent to the truth. And it would be difficult for anyone to justifiably argue that the truth is not important. Without integrity, our society would not have a reliable foundation. So until someone can prove me wrong:
But instead of mocking your clear lack of integrity, you pesky trouble-maker, you, I will answer the following question: What makes a good truth? 1. When people follow them. By not following the speed limit, for example, you are basically dooming yourself to a lifetime imprisonment in hell. Washington state drivers? More like the damned. If everyone followed the speed limit, then even MIHS sports teams wouldn’t be attending parties with alcohol and/or drugs for more than 10 minutes.
only a rule can replace another rule. So regarding the previous rule, in regard to the importance of rules, it is incorrect to make a ruling that breaks a rule, unless you implement another rule to replace that rule. “But Dylan! You had just stated that rules are not to be changed!” That’s right, whoever you are, I did say that. The caveat is that any new rules that replace previous ones, must be made without the intention of changing any other rules. It is human nature to make mistakes, and that’s why I am perfect and you aren’t.
They’d only be there for 9 minutes and 59 seconds. 2. When you don’t change them. That’s right, I said it. Take the U.S. Constitution for example—“Left Coast” Seattleites. The Founding Fathers knew exactly what they were doing, obviously. There is only one intention for every rule, anything else is wrong. 3. When you learn that
4. When people realize that breaking a rule is against the rules. Just like everything else I’ve said, this should be common sense. However, there is a popular “cool-kid” concept that rules are made to be broken. I’d like to address this idiocy. First of all, you good-for-nothing vaper (in other words 40 percent of the guys attending MIHS),
do you really think you’re so cool? Breaking rules? I think it is only obvious that you should all go to Puckett’s office, right now, and hand in your vape. 5. When people read everything. This should also be a no-brainer, and this ties in with rules #1, but everyone seems to struggle with this one. People don’t even know half the rules they are required to follow. This is a huge issue, and let me reiterate: it is against the rules. You know those 75page terms of service agreements you scroll through blindly and accept? You need to read those! Every. Single. Character. Sometimes I just buy iPhones on eBay, read the agreement, and then resell them. I just can’t stand it when these agreements aren’t properly and thoroughly read. Alright, I think it is pretty safe to assume that I am winning this debate. But I’ll entertain your inferior opinion a little longer. Let’s finish up by discussing the paradox of moral rules vs. legal rules. If society is changing, and morals are changing, how come rules shouldn’t change? It only makes sense, right? ...Well, shoot . My Eagle Scout senses are tingling. Must.. resist.. hypocrisy—system failure.
Nerf Gun Control Laws Implemented (cont.)
4th grade Protest Coordinator Robert “Big Rob” Degler, Marie Degler’s son, explains, “If they take our Nerf away, what’s next? Our pencil sharpeners? Our Kinder Eggs? We deserve to be just as well armed as our parents; it’s our constitutional right! Give me Nerf, or give me nothing!” Back in Washington DC, the legislation has also been met with high profile opposition. President Trump has even suggested that teachers should be armed with Nerf rifles to protect students in the event of an emergency. NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre issued a statement saying, “The only way to stop a bad person with a Nerf gun is
a good person with a Nerf gun.” Approximately 0.0 children have died from Nerf injuries in America, more than the next 50 nations combined. As the leading Nerf arms exporter in the world, the US exports approximately 30 tons of foam bullets to its numerous international allies each year. This trade was heavily supported by the public during the Cold War, but as America grows more isolationist, now many are calling for a reduction in ammunitions shipping. As recess continues, the nation’s eyes will be laser-focused on Olympia awaiting the precedent-setting decision of the Washington legislature.
Photo courtesy Daily Super Hero
Deadpool shows the violence Nerf guns may lead to.
Bridges “Start With Hello” Week a Resounding Success
Students share the life-changing experiences they have had since the “Start With Hello” week Walt McKelvie staff infection
Bridges’ “Start with Hello Week,” has turned out to be a resounding success. From Aug. 30 to Feb. 7, hellos were said an average of 1274 times per week. However, in the week following “Start with Hello,” the figure spiked to 5712 hellos per week. This 348 percent spike in hellos per week can be directly attributed to the initiative’s uncanny ability to relate to everyday youth culture. “I usually just vape with my close group of friends and avoid people outside of my group,” said a sophomore under the condition of anonymity. “However, after ‘Start
with Hello,’ I saw a new person in the 200 hall bathroom. Usually I would just ignore them, but then I remembered what we did in Bridges, and I decided to offer them a juul. Who would have known I’d have made a new friend for life.” But “Start with Hello” is not just a general attempt to get people to say hello; it is an effort to integrate people facing social ostracization and depression into social groups. In this sense, “Start with Hello” has also smashed expectations, history teacher David Willecke reports: “Before ‘Start with Hello,’ hardly anyone would say hi to me in the hallway.”
“In my thirteen years teaching, I have never been invited to an af-
ter-party. I would just sip my coffee and plan my vengeance through
participation grades. However, after the initiative, I’ve noticed that
stud e n t s have been a lot more inclusive of me. People have started
saying, ‘Hi, Mr. Willecke,’ in the hallways. Dino even offered to go get lunch with me. Start with Hello has made me feel a lot more included in the MIHS community.” The effectiveness of saying hello has stunned experts and ordinary students alike. “I really had never considered saying hello,” said sophomore Jasper Geer. “It might now seem obvious, but the idea that greeting someone might start a conversation just never occurred to me.” The initiative is based on several cutting-edge research studies which find that “hello” the most effective word for initiating a dialogue, slightly
surpassing “hi.” “Start with Hello” was originally intended to merely raise awareness around social ostracization, but it has done far more, even changing people’s lives. A survey of MIHS students published by Gallup shows that more people than ever in this school’s history feel included and accepted. Analysts project that this trend will continue well into April, a testament to the permanent changes that “Start with Hello Week” has had on school culture. These stunning results point to the fact that adults can very quickly change high school culture, so long as they emulate the brilliant cultural outreach of “Start with Hello Week.”
April 2, 2018
SPORTS (kind of)
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Talking Sports with Maya Virdell and Hannah Whobrey
Sports experts converse about today’s most popular athletic events while giving their hard-hitting analysis and firebrand opinions. Ice Skating Ping Pong Football Swimming Bobsledding Steeplechase HW: Why is every winter sport terrifying? Where did ice skating even come from? Literally why do people have to wear the thinnest clothes available on actual ice? MV: Dancing is hard. You know what makes it even more difficult? Dancing on ice with sharp objects on your feet and maintaining great facial expressions. Did I mention twirling and contorting at like the speed of light? How is that humanly possible? I can barely touch my toes, much less hold my leg right by my head. And can we just talk about quad jumps? So difficult! I cannot even jump on the ground without falling. Much respect to the quad king Nathan Chen.
MV: I cannot play ping pong to save my life. Major respect to those who can! Not sure how much skill it takes, but definitely more than I have, which is zero. I feel like they also need pretty good eyesight and reflexes, which I also don’t have, considering I lost my glasses in November and still haven’t found them. If anybody knows where they are please let me know!
HW: I’m from England so I don’t know what’s actually happening. I only go for the halftime shows. MV: I think football is cool. I mean, as cool as a sport where two teams tackle each other head first can get. It’s difficult, don’t get me wrong, and it looks heavy, especially with all the gear and the awkward skin-tight pant things.
MV: Swimming is so hard! I just thrash at the water hoping I will cover at least some ground. People compare swimming to running but I think it’s a lot harder than running because you can’t really drown in running! And I’m not very fond of drowning. HW: If taking a bath is gross because you’re floating in dirt, then swimming is 100,000 times worse.
HW: My favorite movie is Disney’s “Cool Runnings” about a Jamaican bobsled team. It just proves that bobsledding is super versatile! You can learn to shoot down ice slopes without ice! MV: Who decided, “You know what sounds like fun? Going in a sled at 80 mph with no way to stop!” I could fly out, but I guess that’s just part of the fun.
MV: So I have some strong words on steeplechase. I have partaken in this strange event before, and let me just say, It’s hard. Basically, you’re running multiple laps around the track, and also hurdling over large hurdles. And don’t forget to jump over the water after one of the hurdles, or you’ll end up swimming! Is this swimming or track? Make up your mind steeplechase. HW: We did a water finish in cross country once. My shoes still have half the lake in them and we almost drowned in duck bacteria water. Somehow, steeplechase looks a lot worse. MV: It is worse.
You Should Love the Patriots The Great Costco Debate Ethan Preston
award-winning locksmith
As arguably the most successful sports franchise in history, it is time the cheating, scandalous and intolerable New England Patriots should receive their recognition as America’s most lovable team. I mean, who wouldn’t love them. The saying always goes: if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying. The Patriots seem to be very loyal to this motto. Don’t we all like people who bend the rules and avoid punishments by using technicalities? It was exactly what they did against the Colts in the 2004 AFC Championship and on numerous other occasions, getting away with illegal contact, pass interference and defensive holding. We can’t forget about all the “gates” the Patriots have had; cheating scandals such as Deflategate and Spygate just make me love the team even more Deflating your opponents’ footballs to give yourself a competitive advantage and illegally obtaining footage of your opponents are a guarantee to win over any crowd. Bill Belichick is actually
one the most charismatic people this world has seen. His knowledge of modern media is just astonishing, telling us that,“I don’t Twitter, I don’t MyFace, I don’t Yearbook,” and that he is,“Not on SnapFace, not too worried what they put on Instachat.” Belichick is constantly being a jerk to all his staff and his players, something which I respect greatly. Deliberately underpaying your coaches and telling the players that they are easily replaceable are things that all of America should take after. The Patriots’ success and consistent domination really spices things up every year. Winning the AFC East 15 out of the last 17 years, winning the AFC 9 out of the last 17 years, and winning the Super Bowl five out of the last 17 years really changes things up from year to year, building up suspense and making me anticipate the next season so much more. Last, but not least, is their fabulous quarterback Tom Brady, the most charming member of the Patriots. Being an extremely sore loser, Brady comes across as just an overall wonderful person. Day in and day out,
Brady is constantly proving his dedication to justice in the world, just like he did when he attempted to appeal his four-game suspension to the Supreme Court. Brady is just one of those people that never seems to go away; he has been dominating sports headlines for over 15 years, and is always winning some sort of award like MVP. There’s also his book: “The TB12 Method” a truly inspiring book that outlines his “perfect” diet and exercise routine. I really wish I was able to keep up with his level of dedication. The Patriots are a fantastic team. They are easily the most lovable franchise America has seen in its history, and they are a cultural icon that will live forever. It’s too difficult to comprehend why other people loathe Brady and the Patriots so much; the cheating, their constant domination, and their despicable quarterback and coach are some of my favorites. I encourage the audience to reflect for a moment and truly consider how great and wonderful the Patriots are, and I guarantee that you will change your mind if you haven’t already.
Vishnu Raghavan debate king
I am considered an exemplary debater. I am highly-decorated and have won numerous awards at tournaments for my craft. However, it is not just in tournaments that I show my skill; I also shine in informal debates. I always have been considered a history buff, and I love to travel. I have been heralded as the dream person for a tour guide, and soak up everything from them. I’ve seen countless museums, and always remember what I learned from them. My love for both debate and history caused me to debate a Croatian woman who gave me a free sample of toasted bread at Costco for 45 minutes about when the USSR collapsed. I told her about my trips to European nations, and she began talking about her trips to Russia while it was still known as the USSR. We connected when we figure out that we both went to Saint Petersburg, a Russian port city. We talked about the Neva River, the Hermitage Museum, and other top sites. Then it turned
into an electric debate. She said, “the USSR fell in 1989.” I knew this was wrongbecause pictures show Soviet leader, Mikhail Gorbachev, standing on a tank in Moscow next to Boris Yeltsin holding the current Russian tricolor flag on Aug. 7, 1991! I stated, “No. The USSR fell in 1991.” I knew this was true. I had seen the photo of Yeltsin holding up the flag and Gorbachev resigning. I had read articles that document the exact date of the fall of the USSR. I knew exactly why Gorbachev stepped down - and it was because his attempt to keep Communism while having competitive elections backfired causing the Soviet Republics to start acting like independent states by 1990. But the Union was still intact during that time. I cited how Gorbachev led to the collapse of the Union, how the transition from communism to capitalism happened in the EARLY 1990s according to the BBC, and how Ukraine got independence in August of 1991 after the fall of the USSR. She kept on repeating that the USSR collapse
occurred as part of the Revolutions of 1989. After the woman spent fifteen minutes citing the fact that the USSR collapsed in 1989 because “different countries got democracy at different times.” The lady cited the fall of Nicolae Ceausescu in Romania, the fall of Milos Jakes in Checkoslovakia and the collapse of the country, and the fall of communism in Poland. But it is clear that while the revolutions in Bucharest, Prague, Bratislava, and Warsaw may have exacerbated the fall of Communism in Moscow, they did not necessarily cause it. Even if they did, the USSR did not fall in 1989; it took two more years for the USSR to finally collapse. After repetition of the same facts, rebuttals, defense speeches, with an occasional question thrown in there, we were both exhausted, and our debate stalled. Though we did not officially decide a winner, I think it’s pretty clear who won. Debates can be had everywhere, even the free-sample line at Costco.
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MIHS STUDENT
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Home Kim Schjelderup @GPAcrusher GPA dropped from a 4.0 to a 3.99. SAD!
Flag Dudes Official @pantingintomic @MIStudents how fast do i have to run and wave a flag for u to clap for me???
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Vicki Puckett @vpuckettvicki Despite the constant negative pasta covfefe
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realMIHSstudent @feminism So excited to go the Kodak Black concert after GEC today!
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OPINIONS FACTS
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www.bit.ly/1ImHRAN
Kansas Deserves a Strong Leader, but it’s Getting Me Instead Grady Short
walking conflict of interest
Fellow friends, students and possibly voting-age Kansas residents: Once more, I find myself writing an editorial in the newspaper, and once more, I’m doing so to force an agenda on the entire school body. But this time, it’s personal. Right now I’m running in a crucial election. It’s going to be a tough race, and thus I feel it’s only natural that I make the case for my candidacy here in the school newspaper. I’m talking, of course, about the tight gubernatorial race in the great state of Kansas. You might recall that just a couple months ago, Kansas made national news, and for once it wasn’t because of the state’s attractive and intelligent voting population, but rather because several teenagers announced that they were running for governor — a stunt made possible because of a lack of clarity within the state’s constitution regarding eligibility for this position. To be specific, quite literally anyone can run for governor, regardless of their location or age. And so now
Photo courtesy NPR
Teenage candidates for Kansas governor debate at a high school. Not pictured: the author, who has never been to Kansas.
I’ve decided to run as well. Now, I bet you’re thinking to yourself, “Grady, what qualifies you for this important executive position?” Or maybe, “Grady, you’ve never even been part of Kansas’s leadership before!” I’m glad you asked. First, as one of only two candidates in this race who aren’t actually residents of Kansas, I bring a fresh perspective to the table. Kansas needs strong leadership and new ideas, coupled with youthful exuberance and rugged masculine beauty — some of which I possess.
The other non-Kansan in the race is Delaware resident Connor Shelton, and I’d support him but for one crucial aspect of his candidacy: he’s currently attending college, which we’re all aware is a liberal indoctrination camp. I have not yet graduated high school, nor taken a civics course, and thus I am unsullied by any form of political ideology. I’m basically a placebo candidate, which already means I’m capable of doing far more to help Kansas than current governor and incumbent Sam Brownback. I also know how to deal
with the media far better than any other Kansas gubernatorial candidate. As you may recall, this past July, The MIHS Islander gained global attention for interviewing Defense Secretary James Mattis. When was the last time Kansas was on the worldwide news? The Dust Bowl? The Missouri Compromise? It’s time to make this great state, which I actually haven’t been to but have likely flown over at some point, a dominant power in the U.S. economy. My 100-day plan includes the invasion of Nebraska and
Sophomores Embody the MIHS Motto Joy Francke, Annie Poole, and Maya Virdell
“Sam Brownback,” a name with which the voters of Kansas are more familiar. It also sounds more white, so it could prove advantageous for me in a demographic respect as well. We need to take the beautiful state of Kansas back from the elites in Topeka. As the only candidate in this race with zero harmful policies, I’m simply the logical choice. I also ask that you donate to my campaign if you believe in my message. Because of pesky leftist “campaign finance regulations,” I’m only accepting unmarked $20 bills.
‘Unfounded Assumptions’
with Humor Editor Spencer Klein
Readers, will you go to Prom with me?
vape aficionados
At Mercer Island High School, the sophomores are often referred to as “the worst class.” As 10th graders, we decided to delve into the reasoning behind this harrowing claim and most importantly explain why it is is undeniably false. One argument we have encountered is that the class of 2020 has “an excessive e-cigarette addiction.” We can confirm that this is definitely not the case. After a survey of entirely honest responses, 97 percent of students reported not even knowing the terms “Juul” or “vape,” and the remaining 3 percent thought they were mere meme references. There has also been talk about the 10th graders’ immature sense of humor. Again, this is incorrect. A sophomore would never joke about something inappropriate or serious. Never. That accusation, in of itself, is insulting. Not only do sophomores never use crude humor, the sophomore boys would also never objectify girls. The boys in our grade are definitely past the time in middle school when they made their top-five list of girls. In fact, scoring Cheer and Drill’s bodies is far more respectful. In addition, the warnings teachers receive about our class are, contrary to popular belief, all positive. “There is no class I would rather teach than the wonderful class of
eastern Colorado, followed shortly by the conquest of Oklahoma, all so we can rebuild Kansas’s economy once and for all. I also want to legalize recreational marijuana and reinstate net neutrality, but those might prove more challenging to pull off. My biggest challenge will undoubtedly be my write-in campaign. Given the current state of Kansas’s education system, it’s inevitable that well-intentioned voters will spell my full name, Renzin Grady Yuthok Short, incorrectly. I therefore intend to change my legal name to
Photo by Kaitlyn Hobson, courtesy MIHS Memes
The state of the 200-hall bathroom alone is a testament to the sophomore class’s sheer strength and power.
2020,” an English teacher said. The sophomores not only garner praise and love from their teachers, but their fellow upperclassmen as well. “I’ll admit it. I am envious of the 10th graders, maybe I should fail a year so I can be in their class,” a junior said. “It’s hard to describe in words how amazing that group of kids are. I know in my heart that this class would never do anything bad, like vandalizing the bathrooms or stealing a sink.” We have to assume that individuals who hate on our grade are doing it solely out of jealousy. And we get it — who would not
be jealous of our class? If people need to deal with their envy by making us the focal point of their poorly executed memes in a Facebook group, then so be it. Our positive reputation among teachers, mature behavior, and the fact that we never leave the 200 hall bathroom smelling like cotton candy, makes us beyond proud to be part of the best grade at MIHS. With 2020 vision, we can see the bright future ahead of us. The only sad part will be seeing the teachers cry as we leave nothing but lower expectations and stricter bathroom-break rules behind.
JEWS. Do I have your attention now? Good. I have an important issue to talk about, and it isn’t Jews, don’t worry. Readers, today marks our six month anniversary. I’ve been avoiding this topic (again, the topic is NOT Jews), because I’ve wanted this relationship to be as streamlined as possible. The school dance themes are not edgy enough. There, I said it. I’ve been sitting on that topic like I sit on annoying toddlers. Look at some of the most recent dance themes. Willy Wonka, Seasons Come and Go Coming, Mission Impossible, Night in Paris, and Atlantis. With Prom rapidly approaching, I’ve thought extensively about some themes to propose to Leadership. My first idea is Bar Mitzvah themed. I know it’d be kinda offensive to put the whole senior class in yarmulkes, but the payoff would be enormous. The religious objections from a few Catholic seniors would pale in comparison to the groove of a traditional Klezmer band. If the Leadership class really wants to get into it they could hire some 13 year olds from the middle school to sing from the Torah. I know I said I wouldn’t talk about Jews, but if you want to live in modern America, you’ll have to get used to being lied to. My next idea could potentially stir up some comment sections. I think Prom 2018 should have meaning,
should stand for something. Prom 2018 should be a funeral, but more importantly, a celebration of life. Readers, someone very dear to me has left this world to go chase birds in the sky. Friends (you’re not my friends), in March we lost viral video sensation Keyboard Cat. In this scenario, Leadership invites the feline’s friends and family to speak, and the only song the DJ plays is Keyboard Cat’s classic, yet nuanced composition. And yeah, Keyboard Cat is a “he.” Come at me feminists. My final idea is pretty ingenious. I’m not saying it’d win a Principal’s Award, but maybe they’d talk about it on the announcements. Find a date and throw on a tux for Prom 2018: Spencer Klein-themed. You walk into the double doors after being awkwardly body searched by my security staff to see a barren dance floor. Toto’s “Africa” is playing on loop, just like in my head. Instead of a cameraman taking pictures, there’s an old man spitting on you. What makes this themed like me? Just ask my grandpa. I have a lot of ideas for Prom and this school in general. For all these reasons I’d like to announce my candidacy for Principal of MIHS. I know that those aren’t elected democratically but I think with enough write-in votes we can make it happen. Thank you for reading, and vote Spencer.
April 2, 2018
OPINIONS FACTS
Bring Back AMERICA with Doug Meyers: A Fresh Perspective the Spirit! (cont.)
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Mad Doug Meyers
undersecretary of defense
So today, when I see school administration censoring everything they can get their hands on, it makes me sick. My grandfather used to go vape in the bathrooms all the time, and he never got in trouble for it. Granted, e-cigarettes hadn’t been invented yet, so he just made do by sucking on a double-A battery, but he had the right to do it whenever he wanted. My great-aunt Barbara also loves to tell me about the hijinks she got into during her MIHS days. Whenever someone transferred in, she and her classmates would quickly assess the newcomer’s level of wealth. If it wasn’t to their liking, they’d greet the kid by screaming “Go back to your tax bracket!” and pelting them with small bags of nickels. But nowadays things are changing here at MI, and not for the better. I’ve been at MIHS for a couple long years now and it’s been all downhill since my first day. The school parking spaces are so tight that I don’t feel safe parking my Audi, my parents can no longer send cease-and-desist letters to the principal whenever I get an A-minus, and the school newspaper’s a leftist rag of lies. The only way to solve this problem is to let the Islander spirit run free once more. Students deserve more freedom than they’re getting, and I’m willing to fight for it -- but not right now. I have to go talk with my college counselor about how to get my disciplinary record expunged, and I’m already running late.
In an attempt to broaden our perspectives here at The MIHS Islander, our staff has painstakingly searched the school for conservative writers. Because we could not find any willing to write for our paper, we have been forced to bring in an outsider. Doug Meyers, a student at Monroe High School in Snohomish County, shares his perspective on the island. Doug has carefully studied our liberal agenda and offers his rebuttal in our new column: America with Doug Meyers. Translated into proper English by Teddy Fischer and Walt McKelvie. Before we delve into the article, I would just like to introduce myself. My name is Doug Meyers. I’m just your run-ofthe-mill SoundCloud country rapper, who has for the past four years been trying to come up with a religious answer to Macklemore’s “Same Love.” Like many great country rappers and red-blooded American patriots, my accounts on various social media platforms were banned because of so-called “hate-speech.” Reposting Dana Loesch doesn’t mean I should have my account deactivated. Unfortunately, although MIHS might seem friendly on the outside, the culture here is hostile towards conservatives. Much like the PC police on Instagram and Facebook, Chris Twombley has accused me of being a Russian bot. There are far too many Kombucha-drinking, gender-neutral-bathrooms-wanting, girls-can-be-flag-dudes-ad-
Photos courtesy Nicolas Raymond and InfoWars. Edited by Isabel Funk and Grady Short.
Alex Jones, pictured here in his natural habitat, is one of my greatest inspirations as a person and as a journalist.
vocating, Admin-supporting, walk-out-walking,”Call-MeBy-Your-Name”-loving liberals at MIHS. Which brings me to the subject of my first column: Privilege. As a majority liberal school, Islanders use mental gymnastics to justify their actions. As liberals, Islanders have the privilege to declare themselves feminists and blow up at every guy who compliments them, but then stage a scavenger hunt, which involves running across the football field completely nude. (I’m sure someone will say it was for some kind of empowerment.) Additionally, Islanders have the privilege to be outraged at trivial matters because of their political ideologies. Obviously, gendered Tolo lines are the greatest injustice that has happened this decade. It’s not like there are genders or anything, right? Oh, I forgot, just like Seattle weather
they change every time a gust of Trump-supporting wind comes down from the Gulf of Alaska. On the island, liberal privilege allows people to live in a bubble devoid of any reality. If Islanders were more focused on surviving, like I do living on my dilapidated farm, then they wouldn’t become so misguided. But, thankfully there’s a solution to the problem: all Islanders need to do is embrace conservative values. Recognizing that you being born into affluent families has absolutely nothing to do with your successful lives, and that no one, not even my poor family, deserves your hard-earned taxpayer dollars, will allow you to rid yourself of guilt. Additionally, prioritizing yourself over others will allow you to no longer worry about the plights of children offended by the latest liberal gripe. Luckily, Is-
landers are well on their way to becoming great conservatives; as Dylan Notturno tells me, Islanders are beginning to unkowingly embrace the consevative value of rule-following. After observing the school’s social environment, I have been happy to learn that Mr. Notturno is correct. Students here follow the rules to the letter, and follow in the footsteps of great conservative leaders, like Mike Pence. How? By having no fun whatsoever. The constant abundance of stress at the high school, and students’ incredible desire to check Skyward in their free time is an obvious indicator that Islanders aren’t distracted by meaningless parties and the sins of the pot-smoking liberals who accuse you of being monetarily privileged. Let’s take the next step together and make MIHS great again. Till next time, America.
Guns Don’t Kill People? Tell it to the Crooked Sheriff Who Killed My Pa Spencer Klein city-slicker
With the seemingly never-ending shootings, many are blaming the NRA and the lack of reasonable gun control. However, no one is talking about the real perpetrators, a minority who has managed to slip under the liberal radar for too long: cowboys. Tassel-clad men walking around with unlicensed pistols, stupid hats and dangerous viewpoints. Although righteous tears have been shed for the thousands of innocent victims of gun violence, everyone overlooks the body of an innocent outlaw lying in the dirt, three pieces of lead plugged in his chest, as Ranger John McCoy walks away, his six-shooter at his side, his stetson tilted at a fifteen degree angle. Where’d he get that six-shooter? At a gunshow? At a sporting store? From the clutch of his dying father? Legislators
have to close the dying father loophole. Why is he wearing a Stetson? He’s probably emotionally unstable. He should have been denied service as soon as the vendors saw his hat. Sure, about 33,000 people die from gun violence every year. But CNN never tells us how many people die from duels. My pa died in a duel. He and my ma had twelve kids and he had to rob trains to support us. We lived packed into a tiny cabin like 13 hotdogs in a used rubber glove. I got the news while I was milking my horse. “That’s right, I shot Jedediah Klein, and if you don’t get away from my horse I’ll shoot you too. Now lick my sword so that whenever you eat icecream you’ll remember me,” crooked ol’ Sheriff Travis said. When asked to comment on this tragic instance of gun violence, NRA representative Adam Toby said that “Guns don’t kill peo-
ple, people do. Look at the Sheriff, he probably uses that pistol to defend his home. Also, stop asking about why I have two first names.” Why do these high capacity six-shooters still plague the dirt roads of Dodge City? Their ability to harm and even kill is higher than that of the staggeringly legal, six-round cylinder. Yet when I sat next to Mayor Boone in the saloon the other day and tried to talk about common-sense gun control legislation, he pistol-whipped me out the window faster than a greased steer. “Ya see, what I say goes around here, and what goes around here is OIL. I don’t give a tumbleweed’s backside about gun control,” Boone said. I can’t stop the gun lobby with nothing short of an army and all the fury of Rattlesnake Jake. But I can put six nine-millimeter holes in Sheriff Travis’ shiny, shiny badge.
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CROSSWORD
DOWN
1. The premier bonding experience for junior & senior girls 2. A cult/group project 3. The best parking lot 4. Place to get candy at MIHS 7. Mr. Twombley’s favorite country 8. Go-to restaurant after a concert 12. Every white girl’s favorite new restaurant 14. Number of Starbucks on Mercer Island 15. Crucial transportation structure, and educational development 17. MIHS’ Willy Wonka 18. Kate Gormley’s most famous sibling 21. The spirit day that never dies (make sure to bring sunscreen!) 24. Teacher most likely to never stay on topic and to throw things 28. Pay for an A 30. Teacher, GPA Wrecker 31. Vape Godz/Everyone’s least favorite grade Answers:
ACROSS
mihsislander.org
3. Train park 5. Literally, THE coolest girls in school 6. MIHS’ bowling team, peaked in high school 9. An app so students can Snapchat during school 10. Best pizza boy at Pagliacci’s and Sophie Poole’s favorite person 11. Group for the future CEOs and frat bros 13. What is the Shakespearean antidote for senioritis? 16. People who walk on the wrong side of the hallway 19. The vehicle Ms. Puckett drove in on at an assembly 20. A Harry Potter character and the ASB Treasurer 22. Location where students build houses and their lives are forever changed 23. A group of senior boys who used to be relevant 25. The best school events at which to dress as the Spice Girls 26. The ASB president’s actual name 27. Physssssicccccissssssssst 29. Teddy Fischer’s booty call 32. Dino’s favorite film with Morgan Freeman
1. ScavHunt, 2. Mockumentary, 3 Across. Mercerdale, 3 Down. MusicLot, 4. FrontOffice, 5. Islander Girls, 6.Snail Pound, 7. Iceland, 8. Dicks, 9. VPN, 10. NicoGalvin, 11. DECA, 12. SanoCafe, 13. HamletTag, 14. Five, 15. BRIDGES, 16. Freshmen, 17. JonNa, 18. Joe, 19. Motorcycle, 20. Dobby, 21. BeachDay, 22. Tijuana, 23. FlagDudes, 24. Dino, 25. Assemblies, 26. Fiona, 27. Hampsch, 28. Privett, 29. JamesMattis, 30. Schjelderup, 31. Sophomores, 32. ShawshankRedemption
BA&E
April 2, 2018
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“The Wheels On The Bus Go (Skrrt Skrrt)” Is A Hit! Ethan Preston
award-winning locksmith
After establishing their name in rap culture forever, surpassing legends such as 2pac, Notorious B.I.G. and Nas, and revolutionizing the game, Migos have won the Pulitzer Prize after they published their first book “The Wheels On The Bus Go (Skrrt Skrrt),” a book praised for its thematic significance. After dropping hit songs such as “Bad and Boujee” and “T-Shirt,” all three of the Migos (Quavo, Offset and Takeoff) decided to go back to college to receive further education in English and Literature. “After getting bored of being the biggest name in rap, so I decided to return to Harvard to receive my Ph.D. in Comparative Literature,” said Quavo, the primary author for Migos’s book. While at Harvard, Quavo collaborated with numerous other aspiring authors such as Lil Pump, Post Malone, Future, and many others, all of whom have significant works in the past months. “It was a great [unintelligible] for me and [unintelligible], and I learned a lot through the [unintelligi-
ble],” Future said, describing his experience working with Quavo. “It was great to see Quavo grow as an [unintelligible].” Offset, another member of Migos, also decided to attend an Ivy League school to obtain his doctorate. “I decided to attend Yale to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a famous author,” Offset said. “There was just a gaping hole in my life I felt I needed to fill. Becoming an author has made my life complete.” “My poetry professor, Alfred Buckingham, was also a true inspiration to me,” he continued. “Day in and day out he really motivated to become a verse god.” The third member of Migos, Takeoff, was arguably the most accomplished prior to the publication of “The Wheels on the Bus Go (Skrrt Skrrt).” The former rapper decided to take his talents overseas, studying at Oxford University. “After getting left off ‘Bad and Boujee’,” Takeoff said, “I kinda went through a rough patch in my life. I felt I needed to truly find my passion. That passion was writing.” Takeoff has proven himself dedicated to book-writ-
Q:
hey! i have a problem with my friends they got mad at me because when they went to my house they wanted to feed my dog grapes but i said that grapes are poisonous to dogs so i said no but they got really mad at me and said if you don’t let us feed your dog grapes we will not talk to you and end our streak on snapchat so now i don’t know what to do cause me and my friend have a 300 day streak pls help –Distressed Dog-Owner
A:
Hi Distressed Dog-Owner, Wow that seems ruff. Sorry to see that your friends are trying to kill your dog, I’ve been there before. Well, Snapchat has become a dog-eat-dog world, and to prove you’re alpha male you gotta really step up your streak game. You know what we’re saying? At this point, streaks are more important than dogs. –Isabella and Izzi
ing; publishing numerous works while studying at Oxford and garnering several literary awards, including a Booker Prize Nomination in 2017.
for their latest book to reignite the group’s fire.
metaphor, comparing the life journeys of Migos and their bumpy, roller coaster success to the typical school bus. The bildungsroman evokes great emotion out of any reader, and it is a must-read for anyone looking for inspiration and guidance. “We really wanted the world to know our inspiring story,” Quavo added. “The happy children, the sad children, the angry children, the successful children on the bus all illustrate the narrative of our lives.” The book has received immediate positive feedback from critics around the world. Almost every major news publication has praised it, the New York Times Book Review gave
N O S L E E H THE W O G S U B E H T ) T R R K S (SKRRT
By Migos After many years of gradually drifting apart, Migos decided to reunite
“The Wheels on the Bus Go (Skrrt Skrrt)” beautifully utilized the art of the
Q:
Hello students! I heard from some of my colleagues that you are giving advice, so I thought maybe you could help me! I’ve been having some issues in class lately with many of my students. Many of them, especially the sophomore boys, are leaving class to “go to the bathroom” everyday for about 10 minutes. I don’t know if I should be concerned. I think they’re leaving to get food in the Commons, but it has to stop. Any advice? –Troubled Teacher
A:
Hi Troubled Teacher! Yes, students love to leave class to get food in the Commons. That’s definitely why sophomore boys are leaving. Teenage boys are ALWAYS hungry. They all go to the bathroom in groups because they don’t like being alone. Best of luck, but you know sophomore boys: when they’re hungry, they love to go eat food, especially mangos! –Isabella and Izzi
the book a five star rating and calling it “an inspiration,” “outstanding” and “the new ‘Giving Tree.’” “It really meant a lot to see how the world reacted to our work,” Offset said. “I’ve never received so much universal praise in my life, despite winning the Taco Bell’s promotional literary award.” Unsurprisingly, Takeoff refused to comment on the success of the book. Despite his profound accomplishments as a writer, the ex-rapper’s contributions to book were redacted yet again, just like he was left off “Bad and Boujee.” “The Wheels on the Bus Go (Skrrt Skrrt)” is a unique and inspiring novel. This influential story should definitely be read worldwide. To see a formerly disbanded hip-hop trio finally unite for such powerful, moving work offers hope to all of those who want to ride the bus. The novel’s success could also indicate future crossover success for rappers in the world of literature, a field in which not many rappers have managed to have penetrate. It will be undoubtedly exciting to see the impact of the book, with potential influence for generations to come.
Q:
Sup, so i like this girl in my health class, and i wanna ask her out, but idk if i should, cuz she’s a freshman and im a senior. so is that like illegal? I turned 18 last month, so can i still go for it? –Confused But In-Love
A:
Hi Confused But In-Love! You should definitely go for it! Nothing warms my heart more than seeing an 18-year-old with a 14-year-old! After all, age is just a number amiright? The age of consent in Washington State is 16, but it doesn’t matter! I’m sure her parents and the police will be ecstatic if you go after her. And everyone will totally respect your relationship. –Isabella and Izzi
FROM THE OFFICE OF PRINCIPAL VICKI PUCKETT
Daily Schedule 5:00 a.m.
Wake up. My alarm is set to the song “Hotline Bling” by this hip new rapper I discovered named Drake.
5:15 a.m.
Eat breakfast. I like eating an American breakfast; bacon, eggs, tinfoil and NAILS #Tough
5:30 a.m.
Look at memes. My favorite is the one with the frog on the unicycle. #Lol
5:45 a.m.
Work out. I’m trying to beat Kelly at arm wrestling. It’s his arm versus my two legs. #Underdogs
6:00 a.m.
Practice high fives with my reflection in the mirror. You never know when a student wants to make you look awesome. I gotta make those opportunities count.
6:05 a.m.
Mourn Harambe. #Memez #Relatable
6:10 a.m.
Drive to school on my motorcycle. I need to make sure to wear my Heck’s Angels jacket; otherwise I might get jumped by my own boys. Yesterday I saw someone speeding and I conducted a citizen’s arrest. That’s what I call a #SwagWin.
6:45 a.m.
Go into classes and have meetings. My favorite part of the day is walking into classes and seeing all the students jump up and yell “Heck yes! Puckett is here that’s #awesome!” I had a meeting the other day with the CEO of Obey hoodies. He gave me a high five which I executed perfectly because of my extensive practice.
11:15 a.m.
Pick up trash in the Commons. Most of the time it’s just candy wrappers and stuff. One time I found a cigarette butt. #Cool.
1:20 p.m.
Hide in bathrooms to try to catch people vaping. Last week I brought a fog machine and a cherry scented Febreze can to lull sophomores into a false sense of security. #YourPalPuckett
1:50 p.m.
Practice my popsicle speech for the band. I didn’t include enough pop culture references last time. I think I’ll talk about “Big Bang Theory.” Band kids love that stuff.
2:00 p.m.
Hide from students just to prove that I can. If I need to disappear I want to know that I have that option.
2:45 p.m.
Browse internet stores for active police cars #IAmTheLaw
3:10 p.m.
Play Call of Duty Zombies, where are my COD gamers at?! Haha XD Lol
5:10 p.m.
Cultivate the next idea for Bridges. I was thinking we could practice mindfulness by practicing our dabs.
6:45 p.m.
Sleep. I need an early bedtime so I have lots of energy tomorrow.
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