THE
GASTROPOD
PAID
MERCER IS SCHOOL DIST 400
This newspaper is a work of nonfiction. All resemblance to real people and things is completely intentional.
The April Fools Issue • April 2,
mihsislander.org
Babadook Sues Netflix
Sports with Maya and Hannah
Features
Sports
Two unathletic students review the Winter Olympics and school sports
Netflix's negligence outs the Babadook without his permission 3
5
Volume VII, Edition 6
Class of 2020
Class of 2020
This year's sophomores are reIntegrity, Innovation, Inspiration: the ally not THAT bad sophomore class embodies it all Opinions 11 Opinions 8
A Second Semester Senior’s Guide to Scholastic Success
Sami Bender’s top ten tips for winning at high school Sami Bender UWBOUNDBB
1. Get a laptop. It’s much easier to online shop on a laptop than your iPad. Also, you can change from Schoology to "Revolve" or a "Fortnite" stream a lot faster. 2. Forgo QFC baked goods when offering treats to your teachers; have your mom bake a fresh plum coffee cake or tiramisu instead. Like the old proverb says, “The way to an A is through the stomach.� 3. If you have trouble coming to class on time make sure to check the door window before you enter the class. Time your entrance justtttt as your teacher turns their back to the door. 4. If you have trouble coming to class at all, make sure to have excuses ready for the attendance office. Having “the flu� is getting old. Try “foot doctor appointment,� your fourteenth “college visit,� or mask your midday midweek haircut appointment by saying you have physical therapy for your fake knee injury. 5. Beg. Not quite like a dog,
but pretty much exactly like that. The average teacher’s patience for nagging is a lot lower than you might expect. Pro tip: Keep your eyes big, your tone of voice at a pre-tween range, and blurt all your reasonings why you should get that A all at once for optimal results. 6. Establish a personal relationship with your favorite teacher. Then put all your time and energy into that relationship to get a good letter of recommendation. Then get them a thank you gift after they submit your letter of recommendation. Then give up in their class, they can’t rescind a letter of rec and the year is basically over anyway! 7. Skyward is your best friend. Once you download the app, there is no going back. Who cares if it turns you into the person at the party checking why your Journalism grade is a D and why you are failing Walking for Fitness. 8. Google Docs. GOoogle DOCs. GOOGLE DOCS. Want to make a group chat but don’t want to text in
class? Google Docs. Have a test coming up? Google Docs study guide. Need to share an essay with your teacher but want to continue editing it past the due date? Google. Docs. 9. Participation is key. Get loud. Or, in the off chance you are the 98 percent of MIHS students who are afraid to speak in class, open up your Gmail and email away. Pro tip: Possible email topics include but are not limited to: irrelevant articles about in-class topics, that article you just read on the Cosmopolitan feed on Snapchat or that hilarious and relatable meme from the MIHS Memes group that perfectly roasts your teacher. 10. KISS. Keep it simple, stupid! Great advice, hurts your feelings every time. If you can master the art of grade grubbing, you can get down the aisle at graduation. Pro tip: Don’t be surprised when there is no diploma for you at graduation. The administration just wants to make sure you actually paid that fee for losing your Environmental Science textbook (again).
The author representing her third-quarter grade in Journalism.
Photo courtesy Sami Bender
New Nerf Gun Control Laws Incite Outrage Bring Back the Spirit of the measure. Marie Degler, a Mercer Island banned from Toys R Us mother says “As a reElementary schoolers sponsible mom, I cannot across Washington state sleep at night wondering are outraged at recent if my child could be the proposals to introduce victim of another vicious mandatory background Nerf attack!� checks for all Nerf gun Hasbro estimates that purchases. approximately 4 million The legislation, inAmerican children are struck with foam bullets each year, more than any other nation on Earth. For Degler and those like her, these “unacceptable� statistics are responsible for politically motivating action. However, the measure is not without its detractors. Protests have erupted in middle and elementary schools across the nation condemning the legislation for impeding on children’s 2nd AmendPhotos courtesy Best for the Kids, PNG Mart, Dylan Notturno; edited by Lucille Shield ment Rights. Junior Dylan Notturno, an avid Nerf gun enthusiast, will lose his Nerf gun privileges if legislation goes into effect. (continued on page 4) Ben Capuano
troduced April 1, would require all prospective buyers to be processed through the National Instant Snottiness Background Check System before being allowed to buy a gun. This revolutionary new system analyzes children based on the amount of times
they’ve cheated at Heads Up, Seven Up, the number of times they’ve been tagged, and the amount of vegetables left uneaten to determine whether or not they are responsible enough to purchase deadly Nerf weaponry. Parents across the state have come out in support
Renzin G. Short hypebeast
This year at MIHS, there’s been a noticeable decline in spirit. Sports games are quiet, assemblies are tame, and the Flag Dudes get a fraction of the cheers they used to get. In general, there seems to be a sense of apathy among the student body. Yet I’m glad that at least some students are doing their part to promote spirit. I’m all about spirit. At football games, you’ll see me in the stands heckling the other team, and afterwards you’ll see me by the bathrooms, ripping stall doors off their hinges because we lost. When it’s time for an assembly, I’m the guy running frantically from The Man across the staff parking lot. And when student government puts on an event, I do the exact opposite of whatever they say. I know a thing or two about this community. My
family’s lived on Mercer Island since prehistoric times. When the first wave of human migration canoed down the Pacific Coast, my ancestors pelted them with rocks. When the first Native Americans settled in what’s now Seattle, they labored long hours to support my family’s growing stockpile of wealth. (continued on page 9)
The MIHS Islander @themihsislander
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