April Fools Issue

: S E I R O T S NEW T E R C E S TOP !!

E L I F N R U SECURE JO

Mercer Island High School 9100 SE 42nd St. Mercer Island, WA 98040

Breaking News: School Opens Coffee Bar for Three Minutes

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Fish Microwaved in Journ Room: Three Dead and Five in Critical Condition

MERCER IS SCHOOL DIST 400

Sano and Homegrown Take Next Steps in Star-Crossed Relationship

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The April Fools Issue

Non-Profit Org. US Postage PAID Permit #19 Mercer Island, WA

2 Poetry?

ABOUT The MIHS Islander 9100 SE 42nd St. Mercer Island, WA 98040 mihsislander@gmail.com www.mihsislander.org

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022 The MIHS Islander stands with the people of Ukraine. While this newspaper is a satire issue, this acknowledgement is entirely sincere.

Dictators in Chief Lena Hardisty and Alex Levin Coxswain #1 | Honor Warburg Colon Apologist : Morgan Dawson Sandwich Artist | Hannah Howison Caffeine Addict | Kate Grove Go Ask Alex | Lena Hardisty Gru | Asha Woerner F@#&ing Ice-breaker | Max Hense Colostomy Bag | Sandra Pedersen AP Style Assassin | Mia LoBosco Join BSU | Brooks Kahsai Young Professional | Liv Talerman Michelin Star Reviewer | Taylor Holshouser Coxswains #2 & #3 | Sam Pelter & Kat Marsh Photography Nerds | Brooks Kahsai and Braeden Nett Back on the Market | Chris Twombley Minions Wyatt Acker, Ellie Austin, Jordan Balousek, Grant Blasko, Betty Butler, Caroline Capuano, Jackson Chang, Emily Fain, Zoya Firasta, Katie Friedman, Maddie Gaspers, Kyle Gerstel, Kate Gregson, Luke Harp, Julia Hauge, Gracie Hennessy, Elliot Jester, Lilly Jester, Jackson Kline, Ashwin Krishnaswamy, Irene Lee, Marley MacDonald, Arman Najafian, Shannon Rogan, Sadie Seumae, Niko Ulshin, Abby Weiss, Tiffany Zhang

April Fools Scavenger Hunt One Herbert to rule them all, One Herbert to bind them.

One Herbert hidden in this Newspaper, And its up to you to find him.

The first person who finds the picture of Herbert the Snail hidden in this issue and shows it to Mr. Twombley in room 200 or 207/9 shall win a prize (oooh).

PUBLICATION NOTICES

Purpose: To provide news to the Mercer Island High School student body and members of the surrounding community in a

manner that accurately reflects readers’ interests. The MIHS Islander is an open student forum, and the opinions expressed within do not represent those of the high school or district administration.

Corrections: We pride ourselves on accurate, fact-based journalism. If you believe The MIHS Islander has gotten a fact or quote wrong, please contact us and we’ll post a correction on our website.

Ads: To print an ad in a future issue of The MIHS Islander, contact Business Manager Liv Talerman at mihsislander@gmail.com for rates and information.

Privacy: All electronic mail messages in connection with Mercer Island School District business which are sent or received by this account are subject to the Washington State Public Records Act and may be disclosed to third parties.

Nondiscrimination Notification: The Mercer Island School District does not discriminate in any programs or activities

on the basis of sex, race, creed, religion, color, national origin, age, veteran or military status, sexual orientation, gender expression or identity, marital status, disability, or the use of a trained dog guide or service animal and provides equal access to the Boy Scouts and other designated youth groups. The Mercer Island School District offers classes in many College and Career Readiness Programs, admission to which is non-discriminatory. Lack of English-language proficiency will not be a barrier to admission and participation in these programs.

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

Pls give us Money 3

“It’s Not You, It’s Us”: MIHS Announces New Budget Cuts Kyle Gerstel

Tall Opinionated Boy

On April 1, the MIHS administration announced that they will be making minor adjustments to nonessential programs to cut back on spending for the 2022-2023 school year.

Here are a few of the changes MIHS students and staff can expect.

According to drama teacher Daniela Melgar, the 2022 fall musical Chicago has been reduced to a finger puppet show.

“Obviously, we are not pleased with the shift in medium, but we will work with what we have,” Melgar said. “On the bright side, at least the administration can no longer complain that the costumes are too short.”

Student media is next on the chopping block.

The Islander will now be referred to as “The” to reduce print space and 88.9 The Bridge will be

renamed 88.9 The Very Narrow Walkway.

“The administration is cutting the programs that would directly allow students to express their opinions on this decision,” English teacher Chris Twombley said. “What are they going to do next, replace the Freedom Wall with the Freedom Post-It?” The administration thanked him for the suggestion.

Academic clubs are also taking a hit.

Tournaments for the creative problem-solving program Destination Imagination will now be left to the imagination. “It’s about the journey, right?” Associate Principal Erica Hill said. According to a recent poll, 98% of DI participants disagree.

Instead of having a foreign language department, MIHS will now host an annual diversity night featuring Spanish music, Chinese

food and French snobbery. Spanish teacher Alma Parness will remain employed at the school as a gossip columnist for The. Finally, all visual arts teachers’ contracts have been terminated.

Students will be happy to learn that not all of the administration’s upcoming financial decisions involve shrinking or eliminating programs. The MIHS Band will welcome three new trumpet instructors for the 2022-2023 school year and DECA students will now receive daily copies of The Wall Street Journal for “whacking material.”

The administration is also thrilled to announce the addition of a second football stadium replacing the school. “The future of education is tomorrow,” Hill said. “I’m just glad that our school has the resources to embrace students’ interests.”

The *Totally Real* Distribution of MIHS Funds

$ Graphic by Sam Pelter

4

not another spirit article

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

“MI ‘Till I Die”: Snail Pound Gets Inked Max Hense & Sandra Pedersen

Sandra! And you guessed it! Max! get it because they’re always together haha

This month, MIHS Administration introduced a new rule formally banning spirit group ‘Snail Pound’ from wearing their traditional bowling jackets to school and school-sponsored functions.

In response, several members of Pound have taken a creative approach to repping their school spirit while staying in the bounds of school rules.

On Fridays, some members of the group have chosen to sport their traditional Snail Pound spirit in tattoo form— the shape, patterns and patches on the shirt now inked into their skin.

As a result, Pound members now rep their school spirit five days a week.

Alex Levin

Cartoonist

“We want to prove to Admin how dedicated we are to school spirit. We won’t let a stupid rule get in the way,” an anonymous Snail Pound member said.

His upper half was wrapped entirely in saran wrap, and he was shirtless outside his third period class.

In response to issues of abiding by the MIHS dress code, many Pound members cited medical exemptions, as wearing regular clothes over top of it could inhibit healing.

“They can’t tell us to take them off now. It’s ingenious,” the student said.

Administrator Nick Wold had thoughts on the new take on the Pound’s approach to spirit.

“I can’t believe it,” Wold said, his face completely red with rage. “I just can’t believe it.”

Other school Administrators declined to comment, though some screaming could be heard from outside the main office vestibule.

As a community, the student body seems to be receiving the tattoos well.

“It’s an impressive piece of craftsmanship,” an anonymous s t u d e n t comments.

These tattoos are acting as a social lubricant— you can find beginning-art students providing wax paper and

ink, while the marketing class is making recordbreaking sales by selling Aquaphor during first and second lunch.

As a whole, Snail Pound seems to be committed and excited to continue this new found tradition. In an intense display of friendship, you can find Pound members in the Amphitheater offering Aquafor back rubs to newly inked members.

Several Sophomore boys were seen using sharpies to doodle patch designs onto their biceps in the Commons, and Facebook groups can now be found to schedule a tattoo session come Pound initiation.

“We were told to eat, sleep and breathe school spirit. Now we do,” said another anonymous Pound member.

Graphic by Niko Ulshin

Mansplaining

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

5

From, Teaching to Touchdowns: Meet the NFL’s Newest Team Alex Levin

D1 Basketball Commit

Quarterback: Eric Goldhammer

If you can read literature like a professor, you can certainly read a blitz package like a quarterback. Also, if you’re going to lead a franchise, you need a cool name: Goldhammer on the back of a jersey feels too right.

Runningback: Lynn Adsit

It’s official. After ten fruitful years, Russell Wilson is no longer a member of the Seattle Seahawks. While I completely support General Manager John Schneider’s decision to trade Wilson, as a ‘hawks fan I am preparing myself for the next decade of mediocre, playoffabsent seasons. However, even if the Seahawks organization returns to its lengthy history of losing, Seattle deserves a winning football team— that’s where I come in. I have constructed a roster filled with the best football players that the Mercer Island High School faculty has to offer. Super Bowl potential?

Absolutely. The next dynasty? You bet. Read through a description of each position below:

A former college point guard and a master of statistics. What more could you ask for in a starting running back? Adsit is quick, agile and can tell you the probability that she will score a touchdown on any given play— and it’s usually pretty high.

Defensive Line: Kelly John-Lewis

Scouts say he’s too small to play football, and personally, I can’t say I disagree. I’m willing to look past his lack of size and give him a chance on the roster.

Wide Receiver: Laurie Schwartzberg

Linebackers: Curtis Johnston and David Williecke

What’s the only difference between Ms. Schwartzberg and D.K. Metcalf?

Schwartzberg has the unit circle memorized.

And her bitmoji is way cooler. Good luck trying to cover her, opposing defenses.

Oh, you thought the lines were intimidating?

Well, this tandem will have you on the ground clutching your ACL with the ball in their hands faster than you can say, “mockumentary.”

Graphic by Lena Hardisty

Tight End: Jeffrey Randolph

Everytime Randolph takes the field, defenses are classically conditioned to give up a touchdown. And his unparalleled blend of speed, strength and route running is the manifest content of defensive players’ nightmares.

Some AP Psych quarterly reflections just write themselves.

Offensive Line: Dino Annest

Remember the time that Dino called your name during attendance and you weren’t listening?

And then he roasted you in front of the entire class? Imagine trying to get through that guy to sack the quarterback. Yikes.

Secondary: Shannon Sue, Shannon Tapp & Shannon Allen

The Legion of Shannon! The Shannon of Boom? Either way, we’ve got something here.

The secondary is where covalent bonds meet marketing techniques meet facility management.

Where offensive dreams go to die.

The Rise of the MIHS Anti-Club I, like every other student at MIHS, need to be the president of a club by any means necessary. However, with every club under the sun already existing at MIHS, I’ve taken the initiative to create dark-mirror versions of some of my favorites.

Lena Hardisty Professional Contrarian

(LaCroix Club)

PEPSI CLUB

We drink Pepsi here.

LOCK CLUB

(Key Club) This club stands to level the playing field.

Anywhere Key Club is going for volunteering efforts, we will be about 20 feet away doing the exact opposite, therefore neutralizing any good deeds in a cosmic karma sense.

For example, at the annual hot chocolate run, Lock Club will be handing out mugs of an ice cold mixture of whole milk and Red Bull to the unsuspecting passerby. We’ll pay you $20 to join, which is the sole purpose of our club funds.

GENDER INEQUALITY CLUB (Gender Equality Club) Think contrarianism on steroids. We don’t care which direction it goes in, we just need there to be less equality in general. This club maintains both that we need to return to the 1600s for women’s rights and that all men should be put into a large hole and covered in dirt. Everyone suffers!

REAL TRIAL

(Mock Trial) Mock Trial may be a staple of high schools across the nation, but Real Trial serves to create something more authentic. Here, we commit real felonies, in order to experience the criminal justice system first hand. Sure, you’ll actually go to prison in the end if your defense attorney doesn’t do a good job, but think of the life lessons!

SILENCE AND AGREEANCE (Speech and Debate) Only talk if absolutely necessary, and if so, it has to be mild mannered and soft spoken.

Apologizing at least twice per sentence is mandatory, and mentioning anything even vaguely controversial will get you kicked out.

However, to pay homage to our inspiration, we will mention we’re in the club every five seconds when not in it.

Oh you think you’re too good for checkers?

CHECKERS CLUB (Chess Club)

WOMEN OUTSIDE OF STEM

(Women in STEM) While Women in STEM is great, we need something for literally anything else. This isn’t talking about, like, humanities or housekeeping. This is about quite anything a woman does outside of science, technology, engineering or math. Flaming trapeze? Sure.

Underwater tennis? Awesome. Traditional Mongolian throat singing? All for it. Just don’t you dare say the word “scientific” here.

Akin to the end of middle school fair, but everyday and inside, we have a good time here. Think balloon animals and otter pops.

HAVING FUN CLUB

(Market Analysis and Business Investment Club)

National Dishonor Society (National Honor Society)

The name speaks for itself. This club will boast the benefit of canceling out a 4.0 and/or at least three other extracurriculars on your college application.

For far too long we have allowed nerds to tell us reading is “good for the mind” and “necessary for education” and “really enjoyable when you find a good book.” We will not be silenced any longer. Here, you will be free to sit hunched over for an hour while you scroll on your phone. Yes, the lights will be off. We hope you can come to exhale slightly through your nose when you see something funny. Remember. Book Bad. Phone Good.

MOBILE PHONE CLUB (Book Club)

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RED TEAM

(Green Team) Our goal is to undo any environmental work Green Team has done, while they do it.

Objectives for the year include rubbing hands together nefariously while littering, dumping crude oil on big-eyed baby seals and keeping the central heating on all the time to help out climate change. Ask Ms. Debroux in room 103 for more details.

SLANDER CLUB (Journalism Club)

Want to tell straight up lies? This club is for you. We’ll immediately take anything you say and spam it on any available printer at the school, along with your full name and address.

8 Facts

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

What is the Ideal MIHS Class Schedule?

Jordan Balousek

Leadership Points

PERIOD 1 ENGLISH PERIOD 2 HISTORY PERIOD 3 MATH PERIOD 4 JOURNALISM PERIOD 5 LANGUAGE PERIOD 6 SCIENCE PERIOD 7 OFF

While some people truly don’t care about their schedules, many students such as myself have very opinionated ideals of which classes are best to have earlier and later in the day. As such, I present to you my ideal schedule:

1

If you’re going to fall asleep in any class (because it’s first period and you’re inevitably tired), do it in English, because you likely won’t miss much. And if you happen to miss something and need to answer a question, shout something about character development and the state of the human condition and you’ll probably be fine. Bonus points if you work in a comment about the hero’s journey, bildungsromans or something you found on the biography.com author summary— we see you, tryhards!

2

Don’t we all love learning about the flaws of our ancestors and the greatest tragedies in human history? Not the class you want to start your day with, but you can get by with it during second period, as you are awake enough to not confuse the finer points of Sumerian culture with the main plot points of A Midsummer Night’s Dream that you spent all of last period ‘discussing’.

Sleeping? Discussing? Participating? Whatever, they’re all the same thing.

3

Math requires significantly more brainpower than the average person can bother to summon, so you can only cross your fingers that you have a good teacher and many, many friends in math class. If you can’t understand the content, at least make sure you’re having a good time, right? Math is also the class you do not want to fall asleep in: do you really want to go through the fifty different Schoology folders your teacher has created to find the completed notes? Therefore, third period is the ideal time to have

4

Join our cult class! I promise, Twom isn’t as scary as you’d think once you get to know him – even though the glasses do give off intimidating vibes. Plus, he only yells at us occasionally!

Obviously, I am a full supporter of first lunch superiority. It splits your day in half more evenly, and you LUNCH won’t be forced to stress-eat Goldfish in your fifth period because you’re so hungry and any other food would violate rules of

containing nuts, dairy, shellfish, having any type of smell, making any sort of mess… you get the gist. A special shout-out to all the teachers who don’t allow food in their classrooms- are you trying to starve your students? I could eat a full meal every period and still be hungry before the next.

5

Hear me out – it’s just after lunch, and you want to go home already because you were just reminded at lunch how awesome it is to not have to sit through sixty different classes concerning things you mostly don’t care about. So, go and speak in a foreign language instead! Slur your words together all you want, because there’s a fifty-fifty chance that that’s how you actually pronounce things in whatever language you’re taking.

6 7

Who doesn’t want to leave school early?

This class may be the bane of my existence, but it remains a favorite for many of my fellow students. Whatever the case, make sure that you are well-liked by your teacher and that you subtly drop hints about your friends in the class— because if you end up with a bad lab partner, well, good luck to you! Sixth period is the perfect time for science though, because it’s just late enough that you feel the need to be productive before going home, and because you’ve got some food in you recently, you likely won’t be famished enough to drop an expensive piece of equipment (who knew those scales could be $200?) and forever earn the wrath of your teacher. Again – that’s NOT GOOD for getting a nice lab partner.

Feelings 9

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Block Class Personality Max Hense Sagittarius You’re the kid that Leo sits on top of their desk until Are you actually in this Aries way after class starts. Like, way, class? You go to the Please stop Buzzfeed Content Creator

Graphics by Lena Hardisty

way after class starts. Probably in the front row, too, so no one can see over your head.

It makes sense– you’re convinced the teacher loves you the mostest.

r a i s i n g your hand.

You’ve participated, we know you understand the topic— that isn’t even related to what the class is talking about, it’s just a fact about your life!

Taurus

We’re going to be real, do you eat at lunch? Do you? Because every single day you pull out an entire packed lunch and sit in the back with your airpods in for the first thirty minutes. We know you’re trying to ‘chill’, but it really is starting to smell like soup in here.

Gemini

It’s sort of impressive y o u manage to take notes and never stop talking to the poor kid you sit next to for all 105 minutes of class. Odds are you’re also bouncing your leg so hard it rattles your desk, the desk next to you and the desk behind you. It’s okay, we love you anyway.

Cancer

Are you talking to your partner about the group project, or are you gossiping? We feel like you’re definitely gossiping, but if you say you’re not, who are we to judge?

Virgo

Bullet journal influencers wish they were you. Seriously, is it necessary to have that many highlighter colors? It is? Okay, okay, just checking. Either way, everyone wants your study guide at the end of the unit.

Capricorn

Libra

You are the first person they add to the class group chat, let’s be real. Often called a classroom leader, you really just talk to everyone a n d also get your work done. Maybe other people should take notes.

Scorpio

bathroom every class period exactly 15 minutes in and don’t come back for like, thirty minutes. If you are in class, odds are you’re not actually taking notes on your iPad, you’re doing math homework. Who knows how you do so well on the tests.

You raise your hand every 3-5 business days but every single time it’s something so perfectly crafted everyone just has to be quiet for like 10 minutes after. We don’t know how you do it, and honestly it’s kind of terrifying.

You go to class, you do your work, you leave class.

Sometimes you play Clash of Clans on your phone underneath the desk. You always look like you’re working, but half the time we see you in the Commons during your off period finishing notes. Very slick.

Aquarius

You always have the weirdest projects.

We’re sorry, it’s true.

They make people laugh, but is your three foot tall golden fence post really explaining the Great Gatsby’s theme? Really?

At some point, you are going to have to stop crying over war movies. We’re not saying right now, but it does make your seat partner a little, tiny bit uncomfortable. It’s going to be okay, we promise.

Pisces

10 clams & Croutons

Sam on MIHS Art Sam Pelter

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

Touching Base with Chris Twombley

TWOMBLEY

Unlicensed Driver

Geezer

Hey MIHS, it’s Sam on the SAM. Except this time, my mom refused to drive me to the art museum. So… I had to improvise. Today, I will be reviewing art I find around our home base: Mercer Island High School. When looking around, I found a plethora of modern art works to review for you all.

First, let’s take a look at this sculpture piece found in the commons. Here we see a piece by an anonymous artist which I have taken the liberty to call “public school.” The sculpture is meticulously stacked and placed to convey the idea that these items are being saved for later. The contrast of the yellow caution tape and the orange cones “Public School” by Anonymous against the bleakness of the chairs felt … familiar. Overall, this piece feels purposeful and intentional.

A work that stood out to me was “Sko Ders” by a friend, MIHS Islander staff writer Photos by Sam Pelter “Sko Ders” by Luke Harp and Flag Dude: Luke Harp. Harp’s edited photography feels like an ode to the spirit of MIHS’s student body. It takes the ironic humor of the present and reworks it to fit within MIHS. A fabulous piece of art, indeed.

Next, I ventured into the uncharted territory where the theater kids reside… The auditorium. And there, I saw a fabulous piece that told me itself, it is modern art. Again, the artist stays anonymous.

This piece has an allaround vibe of sarcasm, which pokes fun at “Modern Art” by Anonymous traditional modern art. A strong message, and to this, I applaud.

The last piece of art was the best piece I saw in the whole school. This piece is a poster to JOIN JOURNALISM CLUB, MEETINGS EVERY SECOND WEDNESDAY OF THE MONTH “Join Journalism Club” AFTER SCHOOL. Anyways, the colors of this poster work splendidly together and entice the viewer to follow what it says.

Understanding the spirit of this issue, I have to be honest: the news is mostly sad, and there’s not much right now in the world that strikes me as funny.

A comedian-turned-president who now leads Ukraine via television in a desperate fight for its existence?

Speaking of unwanted visitors: I was initially amused by Mercer Island’s coyote invasion, even rooting for the shaggy canines to take out the island’s infestation of small domesticated and inbred pets, but, alas, the intruders were euthanized, a not-funny way of saying “murdered.”

It would be funny to see guys at MIHS who wear women’s clothing for laughs and spectacle show up to church or a job interview in the same garb.

You know what really makes me sad? Failed attempts at satirical social commentary. Witness Rep. Lauren “Wunderkind” Boebert’s recent contribution to the national conversation: “As allergy season gets underway, I encourage everyone to take their allergy medicines so that my allergy medicines can work. You know, it doesn’t work unless everyone takes it. [emoji hers].”

I know it should make me sad that my students mispronounce Shakespeare’s lines, and that I should be more professional, but I can’t help but laugh. This is one of my favorites from Hamlet: “Marry, this is miching mallecho; it means mischief.” I usually save it for a particularly problematic senior.

Speaking of problematic seniors, most of you have already seen this photo. It was supposed to be a surprise, and I could be sad about that, but I’m choosing to remember how much fun it was trying to put the suit on.

L a s t thought: Herbert the Photo by Lena Hardisty Snail needs a bath. For the record, an osprey would never be caught dead in public looking this filthy.

🙄

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

Colums & CAroons 11 Cartoon by Luke Harp

Asha Woerner

Diversity Hire

Hello Alex Levin’s friends and family. It’s okay, I know you are forced to read this.

The MIHS Islander’s Editor in Chief likes to pose as the Sports Editor, sonnet writer, Aritzia hater and prominent male figure of the journ room.

He is not. I am actually all of these (male figure included). In 2022, it is shocking that we still publish sports from a white male point of view. Talk about old news.

Speaking of old— Alex is old. I realized that it’s prudent to start thinking of a successor for his column, so I’d like to offer myself for consideration.

My qualifications include: covering REAL seasons (not COVID ones), not attempting to emulate Ethan Preston in my everyday life (we all know I’d rather be Annika) and bringing some muchneeded estrogen to the sports page. Not to mention, I brought snacks to the journ room once. The sports section now has a Google Calendar, too.

Let’s also take note that he had 11 staff writers with online expectations … I have 28 freshmen (and one flag dude) desperate for “leadership points.”

Though as Alex exits the stage, let us honor all that he has done (I’ve taken the liberty of compiling it into the five bullet points that I feel best represent his accomplishments).

1) Winning 2021-2022 Washington Journalist of the Year.

2) Bringing the point of view of someone who feels like he would win a “best Jew” superlative.

3) Widening the sports section.

4) Escaping the shackles of marching band for journalism.

5) Most importantly– purchasing Super Puff™ mittens.

Alex Levin will be the only one to ever bring flannel pizzazz to room 200 or to rock the squeeze water bottle, and we love him for it.

However, all good things must come to an end. That’s why I’m thrilled to be the successor for Lev on Eleven in your new sports column: Woerner’s Corner. This column will commit itself to the niche sports at MIHS that don’t get the coverage they need.

Read the accompanying article written by Staff Writer Luke Harp at mihsislander.org

12 politics

THE MIHS SLANDER APRIL 2022

Mercer Island School District has finalized their search for the new Superintendent. Through filing a Freedom of Information Act, Staff Writer Gracie Hennessy obtained the interview question all the potential applicants were asked. These are the responses of a few candidates that did not make the final round of interviews:

Bridget Bridges

Peek Dan Eyeskool

Qualifications:

Qualifications: 40-year-

Powerpoint expert / Google Slides hater

old Pound Member Response: “All aspects of Snail Pound and Islander Girls should be introduced into the elementary and middle school curricula to address the detrimental gap in district-wide school spirit.”

Response:

Seward Spodé

Qualifications: Exotic juice enthusiast

“I going to move spodies out of park, and into playground.”

Response:

Ellie Tist

am the the the

Becky White Qualifications:

Mercer Island Lacrosse Fan Response: “I believe the district should force students to rock the lacrosse haircut and embrace cultural appropriation”

“

Qualifications:

As future superintendent of MERCER ISLAND SCHOOL DISTRICT, what is your plan for improving the social-emotional well-being of Mercer Island students?

“

“I believe continuing to put on even more extremely helpful mental health presentations in Islander Hour (while continuing to have an exhausting curriculum) will finally stop kids from being depressed and overwhelmed!”

Qualifications:

Car enthusiast who only owns a Tesla Response: “I would replace C-Lot and Northwood with a valet service to protect all the Audis, Teslas and white Jeeps from scrapes from inferior cars.

(All inferior cars must wear a car cover directly after parking to prevent the district from looking poor).”

Holden Caulfield Qualifications: A

rare English teacher who actually grades papers and puts effort into his job Response: “The best way to raise overall student GPA and quality of life is for Twomb to take over the math department and hand out more underserved free As in a new subject, like he does in English 12H.”

Chi Turr

Former Bellevue School District Athletic Director Response: “I will encourage the recruitment of football players to reach playoffs for once.”

Erette ZeaH Qualifications: MIHS ‘15 / TCU ‘10 Response: “I am going to introduce

school uniforms: Girls: Flare legging, uggs, Superpuff or Lululemon Vest OR Full lululemon (No Athleta or Fabletics. Alo Yoga is allowed, but not recommended).

Boys: Flannel layered over a hoodie (any color, preferably Mercer Island Lacrosse or Football), khakis and Nike Blazers.”