Non-Profit Org. US Postage PAID Permit #19 Mercer Island, WA MERCER IS SCHOOL DIST 400
in this issue Features 4 my girlfriend (who goes to another school)
PE Credit 5 diary of a pe credit athlete
Spread 6-7 breaking news Facts 9 anti-vaxxer catches feelings
Ben’s water bonanza 10 for full effect, dip in water
Walking For Fitness: A Retrospective One small step for walking, one giant leap for fitness Ben Capuano and Ethan Preston PE Credit Active-ists
Is Walking for Fitness a sport? You pose a difficult question there, but I have to to tell you this: that is the dumbest question I have ever heard. Walking is the most athletically intensive activity offered at our school. The program has been offered for a few years now, but it has quickly garnered significant criticism for not being a real Physical Education activity. Not only is that a complete ignorant and intellectually vacuous position. It is completely and utterly false. Walking for Fitness is the most demanding SPORT at MIHS. Tell me, have you ever had to walk for minutes, tens of minutes through the 100 and 300 halls through the rain and snow? Have you ever been left behind by the group and had to find your way from the megablock to the entrance of the school all on your own? Have you ever had your heart broken by Cree saying today we’re walking to Island Park instead of QFC? Have you ever felt ashamed of yourself, following in the footsteps of the fearless god of walking, Toby Lynn Swanson? (continued on page 5)
2 WHO EVEN READS THIS PAGE Letter From the Editor A couple weeks ago, the editors of The Islander attended the Washington Journalism Education Association’s annual state conference. I don’t bring this up to brag about how four students finished first in state in the write-off categories with five more placing second — nor am I flexing the fact that The Islander was given an “Excellent” award for Online Journalism, tying for second in the state. I’m not even writing this to draw attention to the fact that our Adviser Chris Twombley won the coveted Adviser of the Year Award. Instead, I’d like to talk about something else he won: The Fern Valentine Freedom of Expression Award. This award goes to an adviser who has “advocated student free press rights in Washington state.” In addition to a nice plaque, Twombley received $500 “to be spent at the adviser’s discretion,” part of which he spent on five large Pagliacci pizzas for our staff. This award was certainly an honor for Twombley — but I’d like to think this issue was his true test.
ABOUT
The MIHS Islander 9100 SE 42nd St. Mercer Island, WA 98040 mihsislander@gmail.com www.mihsislander.org OVERLORDS Print | R. Grady Short Online | Ellie Gottesman Not Sure What He Does Managing Editor Features Editor Sports Editors Spread Editor Opinions Editor A&E Editor Back Editor Copy Editor Photo Editor Headlinist Cartoonist Water Columnist Humor Columnist
by Print Editor in Chief Grady Short
Every April Fools’ issue pushes our limits as a student publication, and this one is no exception. Instead of questions about AP Style and headline composition, the newsroom fills with questions about how badly we can roast JayMarc; how outlandish a headline we can give a piece; and what the best name for a fictional Associate Principal is. (We settled on “Jeremy Lionel.”) In this issue you’ll find the results, expressed as freely as our lawyers will let us. By apparent coincidence, A&E Columnist Ben Capuano wrote two articles entirely about water; he has a full page to himself. Staff Writer Jeff Parkinson wrote a news piece about just how attractive your dad is. Business Manager Jacob D’Souza chimed in about his girlfriend who you wouldn’t know about because she goes to a different school. On the spread, you’ll find a compilation of the headlines that didn’t quite make the cut. As much as I wanted to write “Six Times I Accidentally
Volume VIII, Edition V
Jacob D’Souza Isabel Funk Hannah Whobrey Ethan Preston Maya Virdell Ellie Gottesman Lucille Shield Annie Poole Isabel Funk Annika Bhananker Annie Poole Brandon Hill Lena Hardisty Ben Capuano Spencer Klein
mihsislander.org
Posted Pictures of my Feet on the Class Schoology Page,” the story just wasn’t quite there. There’s plenty else to explore in this issue, and we hope you take the time to comb through it. But I’d like to do one more thing. I’ve always wanted to print something intentionally false in the paper — not just as part of a satirical piece, but a full-on lie. And I have a big opportunity to do that. I applied to some Ivy League schools and I’ll have heard back from them on March 28: the day after we send this issue to the printers. I probably won’t get into any. So I’ll say this: Four days ago, Print Editor in Chief Grady Short got rejected or waitlisted by every Ivy League school he applied to. If I’m right, then our paper will remain an untarnished beacon of truth in a dark world of lies. And if I’m wrong, I’ll have committed libel against myself. But I’ll have gotten into one of these universities. It’s a win-win!
Do you want to work long hours for no wages, be a member of a perpetually suppressed servant class and design advertisements that no one reads?
If so, JOIN JOURNALISM! Sometimes we have food.
PUBLICATION NOTICES
Gaffe Writers: Natalie Chen, Kiran D’Souza, Charlie Fischer, Baran Fotouhiyehpour, Nico Galvin, Lena Hardisty, Max Hense, Sabrina Hubbell, Alex Isbell, Alex Levin, Declan McSherry, Jeff Parkinson, Sandra Pedersen, Jordan Snyder, Roni Talby Front Page: Ellie Gottesman and Lena Hardisty
Purpose | To provide news to the Mercer Island High School student body and members of the surrounding community in a manner that accurately reflects readers’ interests. The MIHS Islander is an open student forum, and the opinions expressed within do not represent those of the high school or district administrations.
Adviser
Privacy | All electronic mail messages in connection with Mercer Island School District business which are sent or received by this account are subject to the Washington State Public Records Act and may be disclosed to third parties.
Chris Twombley
SOCIAL MEDIA
All stories in this issue are satirical and should not be taken seriously. In cases where real individuals have been referred to, we have obtained their permission prior to publishing; any resemblances between fictional characters and real individuals are completely coincidental. Ads | To print an ad in a future issue of The MIHS Islander, contact Business Manager Jacob D’Souza at mihsislander@ gmail.com for rates and information.
Corrections | We pride ourselves on accurate, fact-based journalism. If you believe the Islander has gotten a fact or quote wrong, please contact us and we’ll print a correction in the next issue. Nondiscrimination Notification | The Mercer Island School District does not discriminate in any programs or activities on the basis of sex, race, creed, religion, color, national origin, age, veteran or military status, sexual orientation, gender expression or identity, marital status, disability, or the use of a trained dog guide or service animal and provides equal access to the Boy Scouts and other designated youth groups. The Mercer Island School District offers classes in many College and Career Readiness Programs, admission to which is non-discriminatory. Lack of English-language proficiency will not be a barrier to admission and participation in these programs. The following people have been designated to handle inquiries regarding the nondiscrimination policies: Civil Rights Compliance Coordinator; Harrassment, Intimidation and Bullying (HIB) Coordinator; Title IX Compliance Coordinator: Erin Battersby, Senior Director. (206) 230-6227, erin.battersby@mercerislandschools.org Section 504 & ADA Coordinator: Dr. Lindsay Myatich, Director. (206) 236-3326, lindsay.myatich@mercerislandschools.org
ARTICLES OF MEANS 3 JayMarc Announces Commons Remodel April 1, 2019
Alex Levin
ask him about the Seahawks
Local luxury construction company JayMarc Homes has officially announced their plan to remodel the MIHS Commons. The popular contractor will partner with the school to provide students with a more comfortable, spacious area to eat lunch and socialize. “There definitely needs to be some sort of a change,” student Colin Quigley said. “Whether it’s the greasy floors, the gritty bathrooms or the overflow of sophomores sitting at the junior tables, the current Commons is just one big, disgusting mess.” Thanks to JayMarc, the Commons are certainly evolving. Instead of creating one large building, JayMarc has decided to employ the company’s favorite strategy: dividing up the lot into four smaller buildings. “It’s all about resolving conflicts,” JayMarc cofounder Jay Mezistrano said. “This way, each grade will get their own space to eat lunch without any problems.” Each upgraded building will embody the height of Pacific Northwest modern luxury, consisting of mostly wood, glass and stone architecture. While the outer designs of
Graphic by Lena Hardisty After developing every single available lot on the Island, JayMarc turned to the Mercer Island School District.
the buildings feature some variety, like many other JayMarc developments, preliminary designs show that students will have a hard time telling them apart. “It’s all part of the JayMarc experience,” Mezistrano said. JayMarc promises that the internal components will
have students forgetting what a normal lunchroom looks like in an instant. Students won’t have to worry about the lack of space anymore, since each building is set to have two floors, filled with enough tables and chairs to seat 300 students and their backpacks. Possibly the most
revolutionary element, the new and improved Commons will not only have a bathroom in each building, but will also include an additional bathroom specifically designed to account for illicit behaviors. “Students are going to engage in vaping no matter what,” Mezistrano explained.
“Our ‘Bad Choice Bathrooms’ are just a way to separate those who actually want to use the washroom facilities from those who don’t.” While many are excited about the change, Principal Vicki Puckett remains unconvinced. “I just don’t think the new plan values intergrade inclusivity as much as it should,” Puckett said. “However, as long as each building has a garbage can in every room, I can live with it.” In recognition of the community’s nostalgia, JayMarc will be sure to leave elements of the old Commons behind. For example, the freshman building will be noticeably lower than the rest. In addition, the senior building will feature a large, unnecessary flat-screen TV sponsored by the PTSA. While the finished product may seem far away, JayMarc truly cares about their clients. In the end, MIHS students will, as promised, “Love Where They Eat Lunch.”
New Seasons Runs Out Of Hydro Flasks; Mercer Island Declares State Of Emergency Sabrina Hubbell uses a S’well
Last Friday night, the City of Mercer Island declared a state of emergency. “This event is extremely unfortunate for our community,” city council member Donna White said. “We are working quickly to resupply our citizens as soon as possible and request that residents of the Island remain calm.” Members of the community were not expecting this sudden inconvenience, given the endless stockpile of Hydro Flasks usually available at New Seasons. “First the E-coli outbreaks, the snowpocalypse and now this? The island has truly gone downhill since my day,” Gene Yong said. “Whatever happened to good ol’ Albertsons?” Considering the popularity of these products among teens, fitness gurus and Pinterest boards, today’s Hydro Flask shortage is clearly a cause for chaos.
Photo by Hannah Whobrey Seniors Annelise Rorem, Jazzlyn Rowland, Celina Damico and Naomi Hughes struggle over a Hydro Flask. The bottles are currently selling for thousands of dollars.
“It’s so disappointing. My daughter bought a 60-pack of stickers on Amazon just for her new Hydro Flask, but now she can’t even get her hands on one,” New Seasons customer Susan Johnson said.
“She’s refused to drink water for the last 12 hours. Mayor Bertlin, you need to fix this!” The Mercer Island Fire Department has temporarily partnered with Contigo in a desperate attempt to
combat the growing dehydration epidemic, with mixed results. “My daughter’s immune system can only tolerate perfectly chilled, reverse-osmosis water that’s been infused with lemongrass essential oils,” Johnson said. “Her Hydro Flask is for medical purposes. Making her use a different brand would be like prescribing aspirin for a skull fracture.” Other frequent shoppers believe this occurrence is a positive development for New Seasons, and even the Mercer Island community as a whole. “Hydro Flasks weigh 20 pounds, don’t fit in my backpack, and come in a dazzling array of colors,” student Carter Stevens said. “No one needs that. I’ll stick with my daily Lifewtr from the lunchroom.” New Seasons hopes to resolve the issue by 4 p.m., roughly 24 hours after the shortage was discovered. For now, shoppers will be forced to make do with Nalgenes, Camelbaks and public water fountains until the Hydro Flasks are restocked.
4 DINO PLEASE TAG JAKE Much Ado about “Hamlet” Tag Spinoffs Jeff Parkinson to see or not to see
In an effort to build a stronger connection between grades, the English department has introduced modified versions of “Hamlet” Tag that complement each grade’s curriculum. “Hamlet” Tag is an annual event in which seniors must recite a soliloquy from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” if they make eye contact with their English teacher outside of class. The new tag games officially kicked off last week. All of them failed. This is their story. The first tag to be implemented was “Gilgamesh” Tag. Teachers wanted freshmen to experience the tag system early in order to prepare them for tag before senior year. However, students were uncomfortable reciting the beginning of “Gilgamesh” due to its sexual nature. “I don’t know if you guys remember the beginning of ‘Gilgamesh,’ but it’s just... It’s about continuing the oral tradition,” freshman and big nerd
Photo by Annie Poole A senior hides from the persecuting gaze of Christopher Twombley.
Tyler Jenkins said. Ultimately, the project flopped because freshmen already look at the ground while they’re walking in the halls and could not be tagged. Next was “1984” Tag, which got out
of hand when students tried to rebel. “We were wrong to rebel. We now realize that ‘1984’ Tag was only doing what was best for us,” the rebels explained in unison. Despite the former revolutionaries’ sudden change of heart, parents threatened to sue after their children disappeared for a weekend and came back looking completely different. “Fahrenheit-451” Tag (AKA Montag) was similar, but worse in every way. Teachers tried to using other Shakespeare plays to make the transition easier.
Student Spotlight : My Girlfriend who Goes to a Different School
mihsislander.org
“I know it’s historically accurate or whatever, but it’s kind of weird that they made seniors and freshmen read together for ‘Romeo and Juliet’ Tag,” freshman Julia Turner said. “18-year-olds don’t date 14-yearolds anymore. Well — most don’t anyways. I mean, they shouldn’t. You get what I’m trying to say.” “Othello” Tag was shut down following false allegations of cheating. Other notable attempts included “Frankenstein” Tag, which was going really well until it was immediately and irresponsibly abandoned by its creators. We reached out to the teachers who created it, but they were nowhere to be found. Additionally, students felt persecuted by “Crucible” Tag and “Huckleberry Finn” Tag was shut down for obvious racial sensitivity reasons. The Slander asked English teacher and “Hamlet” Tag organizer Chris Twombley why he believes the other tag games were unsuccessful. “Frankly, there’s no real pedagogical impetus for ‘Hamlet’ Tag. I just like watching kids suffer,” Twombley said.
by Jacob D’Souza Photos by Annie Poole; edited by Hannah Whobrey Instagram posts courtesy Jacob D’Souza
Bro, I swear I have a girlfriend, she just goes to a different school. I promise she’s real. I meet up with her every day and we make out. Her name is Elaine. I know my brother doesn’t believe I have a girlfriend, but what does he know? He’s never had a smoking hot girlfriend like me. The only things I love are purchasing expensive streetwear with the boys... and Elaine. What? You don’t believe me? Actually, she doesn’t have an Instagram; her boss is always on her
because she’s a model. She also doesn’t like taking pictures where her facial features are clearly visible. That’s why I don’t have any. But, yo, see that mark on my neck? That’s what’s left of a hickey she gave me. Yeah, that’s right. I know the mark resembles a poison ivy rash, but Elaine’s just like that. I think I’m gonna marry her one day. She’s so hot. No, my mom doesn’t know about her. But she wouldn’t really care as long as I’m smart. You know who’s really smart? Elaine. She sells clothes on Instagram with her friends. No, they don’t have a website yet, but it’s really cool. She might get a gig with Abercrombie and Fitch for their sweet new summer line.
If she does, I might go stay with her for a couple weeks. I don’t know how I’ll bring it up with my mom, but she’ll probably be cool about it. Maybe I can say I’m going to Coachella with the boys or something. God I can’t wait to see her. I know it seems suspect that she goes to a different school and you probably don’t know her. But I promise she’s legit. We met through a mutual friend. Everyone thought she was out of my league, but I just shot my shot. Maybe you’ll get to meet her someday, but as I said, she’s been pretty busy lately.
PE CREDIT 5
April 1, 2019
Walking (cont.) “I have always felt proud of my community service,” Swanson said. “Although I feed the starving, pick up litter and go on service trips in Latin America, this class outweighs any other charity work. Hands down, the most rewarding experience.” While Swanson appreciates the spiritual approach, Cree prefers a different path. “This isn’t strolling for pleasure, it’s walking for fitness,” Cree said. “I have always believed that this class builds character for our young. I run strict shift here — or should I say walk?” I’ve played more Kahoots than any other PE student in this school. I’ve learned lessons that I’ll carry with me for my entire life. For example, don’t eat a box of donuts and go on a long walk. Also, don’t eat two massive bags of chips and go on a long walk. Finally, don’t drink a liter of Mountain Dew and go on a long walk. I never would have been able to reach any of these profound conclusions all by myself. A lot of sports here on MI are fun in the moment yet aren’t applicable elsewhere in life. Like, when are you going to have to catch a football or swing a golf club in your professional career? Every graduate of Walking for Fitness that I know has continued to walk after finishing the class. I’m talking a 100 percent retention rate for walkers. What else can boast those kinds of numbers? Many non-members of Walking for Fitness can’t understand the pain that the walkers go through. Joe-Schmo Walker, President of the MI Walking Association, feels that his suffering goes unnoticed. “Hey, you little *@^%s! I chose walking because it’s the most challenging sport out there,” Walker said. “My muscles are constantly sore after a hard hill walk.” It was later discovered that Walker only wanted his PE credit. If you’re trying to decide what PE class to take next year, look deep into your heart. Listen to it beat, beat like the steps of someone who isn’t just strolling for pleasure. If you can feel that rhythm dancing inside you, there’s only one outlet that’ll fulfill that primal urge — Walking for Fitness.
Diary of a SERIOUS Athlete With 17 combined seasons of school sports under their belts, Maya Virdell and Hannah Whobrey provide a unique insight into the daily routine of the most admirable student-athlete of all: the PE credit athlete.
DAY 1
DAY 7
I actually showed up to practice today! My coach was surprised, and quite frankly I surprised myself with that one too. Sometimes ya just gotta hit them with that curveball. My practice consisted of skipping warm-ups in the bathroom and getting ice from the athletic trainer. This is peak performance.
DAY 2 Forgot my athletic clothes but that’s okay. Jeans are known for their durability, and hopefully in my case their flexibility. Have to dress to impress on and off the field.
DAY 5 It rained this week and I was not feeling it.
Discovered the coaches don’t know my name, but on the bright side it’s easier to skip now! The hardest part about being a PE credit athlete is balancing being committed enough to get credit with saving room in my life for literally anything else.
DAY 13 Came to practice. Found out we were actually doing a workout. Did not wanna do that. So I stretched my legs, climbed into my car and went to the mall instead.
DAY 16 Meet day! Don’t have enough practices to compete but I’m still going to support the team. And by support the team I mean play Agar.io on my school iPad.
Athletic Code Violations Hit Record Low in 2019 Natalie Chen non-offender
The Mercer Island School District is proud to announce that there have been zero athletic code violations in 2019, ringing in the spring season with integrity, innovation, inspiration and inclusion. All athletes must abide by this code to participate in a sport at MIHS. Activities prohibited by the code include hazing, bullying, vulgarity, disruptive conduct and — least popular of all — alcohol consumption. In past seasons, a number of student athletes strayed from the athletic code, resulting in swift and harsh disciplinary action. Student athletes of the 2019 season have successfully resolved to reduce the number of incidents to none. “I’m really proud of our team for stepping it up this year,” one boys team player said. “We haven’t had an incident yet this season.” Spring sports captains have prioritized keeping themselves and their fellow teammates in line. Captains have been constantly checking in with the
six-page handbook, following it to a T. “The progress each team has made is unprecedented,” one captain said. “We might even be better than Bellevue!” Many teams have found
the improvement process sobering. However, while most captains have managed to keep their teams in line, one team is struggling to comply. “Girls Badminton is a pretty rowdy bunch,” Badminton
Team Manager Garrett Leung said. “They may seem innocent, but outside of school it’s a completely different story.” Remarkably enough, the notorious Girls Badminton
team has managed to avoid trouble. Undoubtedly, MIHS athletes will maintain a clean record and accurately represent the Mercer Island community for the remainder of this season.
The Slander scoured through years of athletic records and found no evidence of athletic misconduct for the Spring 2019 season.
Data compiled by Natalie Chen
l l a H d n a B
Second Semester Senior Too Lazy To Finish This Article
s t e g r o F t n e d u t S nd a B : c i 15 g r a o F Tr e d a r a P e s o About R s d n o c e S
Inclusivity Win! Drama Department to Include Healthy Relationships in Plays
Equity W in! Incom ing Freshma n Hazes Senior
Six Times I Accidentally Posted Pictures of Feet in the Class Schoology Page
Tag Bann ed Again. ..and This Time it’s J eremy’s F ault
Glob Bec al Warm a Peo use Not ing Exi p s Fro le Belie Enough ts st, N v ew S e In Ja ck tudy Find s
The Top Five Schoolwide Emergency Drills of 2018, Ranked
Op-Ed: Nobody Understands Me! by the Speakers in Gym
J e h T
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in W s i e g iv , Re F s te redit u t ti E C s n I n rP o o t f in ent m ts d e m a B re umm i u l Req ion P t tra
8 FEELINGS Your Dad is SO HOT.
mihsislander.org
Graphic by Lena Hardisty
Jeff Parkinson
yo, that’s kinda gay
Several viral crushes have permeated pop culture over the last couple of years, with figures such as Alex from Target, who gained brief fame in late 2014, and. The latest subject of public fascination is your dad. “I’d heard about it but I didn’t really get the hype until my friend showed me a picture,” one anonymous student said. “Hubida hubida!” The phenomenon gained traction when students started making Instagram fan accounts for your dad, featuring his old yearbook photos and animated music videos of him over technopop anthems. “It’s a little uncomfortable that the people who are making these posts about me are the same age as my kid,” your dad said. “But I’m honestly flattered. I’m glad that at least someone
has noticed that I’ve been working out again. I feel healthy for the first time since I stopped playing sports in college.” It’s charming comments like this that make your dad so attractive. Students have started online forums in which they exchange strategies that they can use to woo your dad. The primary strategy is the “Not Far From The Tree” plan, submitted by papablessxoxo. The plan is to befriend you to get access to your dad and then find opportunities to get your dad alone, like going to your bowling birthday party and then asking your dad to help them with their form, or accidentally spilling cranberry juice on his white polo while he’s grilling hotdogs on the lawn, so you can offer to wash it for him (and admire his glistening shirtless body). “Whoops!” your dad said when this happened. “Don’t
worry about it, sport — I’ve got five more polos just like this.” Isn’t that adorable? Some students have given up on being romantically involved in your dad, instead trying to replace you by bonding with your dad in a paternal manner. I personally played catch with your dad last weekend while trying to figure out what we should get your mom for her birthday. We settled on breakfast in bed, because he makes some mean scrambled eggs and he’s willing to give me the family recipe. Whether it’s capricious lust or fatherly friendship, one thing is clear: everyone’s attracted to your dad. We love the way he looks, we love his old-musty-leather scent and we love the way that he grills a portobello mushroom. Maybe the trend will pass like others have before it, but something tells me that this one’s here to stay.
Op-Ed: Mercer Island, It’s Time For a Change, But Not That Much. Please Elect Me Again. Hi, I’m Jon Na! I’m a current high school senior and the current ASB President, and I am here to announce my re-election campaign. Elections already took place, but we can still make it happen. Here are eight reasons you should vote for me:
1. I once ate an entire lemon
2. I have a code of honor
Skin, seeds and everything. Even the sticker. Nothing left.
Karate Kid rules. If you beat me in a fight, you become the ASB President.
3. Once during a cross-country meet, I was on a gravel trail, and I fell down and swallowed a rock
Super Senior ASB Prez?
At first I was like, “Oh God,” but then I was like, “I’m OK,” and then I proceeded to run the remaining 2.2 miles and finished with a personal best.
4. I see every sin that blackens your soul 5. I will make Marching Band worth PE credit Doing aerobic exercises and sweating in a Band uniform is like having a nightmare on a waterbed and then the bed breaks and you get drenched. What I’m trying to say is that Marching Band is more physically demanding than asking a math teacher for help the day of a quiz.
6. The other candidates for ASB President are juniors
7. I have a great relationship with teachers
Despite making up 25 percent of the school, juniors are responsible for 87 percent of all athletic code violations.
Once I was in the lunch line and I accidentally bumped elbows with a teacher. They looked at me angrily, but I pretended to shoot a free throw and they were like, “Aight, you cool.”
8. I just shaved for the first time yesterday. Being 14 is awesome! I’m just joking. I don’t shave; I wax. Not for cosmetic purposes; I just want to feel something.
Photo courtesy Jon Na
FACTS 9
April 1, 2019
Anti-Vaxxer Catches Feelings Spencer Klein
print humor editor columnist in chief
Each night I ask the stars up above: why must I be an antivaxxer in love? I was born on a crisp summer morning to two loving parents. Karen and Duncan Conway. Though their intentions were good, the results would be disastrous. “We are going to give your child medicine to protect him,” the doctor said. “No,” said my parents, who had begun rubbing Shea butter on my freshly severed umbilical cord. It went on like that for some time. In kindergarten, everyone’s cubby was filled
with stuffed animals or toys. Not mine. Mine was filled with Measles Crystals. Everyone said I was a freak, saying “That’s clearly a geode your mom bought from the Pacific Science Center,” but I was too ashamed to fight back. As I got older I got better at hiding it. I moved my healing crystals from my cubby to a small locket that I wear around my neck. I talked to the teacher about extended snack time so I could take all of my hempbased supplements. And it worked. Going into high school, no one knew that I had never been vaccinated. At this point in my story,
Really? You Think You’re Busier Than Me? Nico Galvin
sponsored by Pagliacci
Sorry to interrupt, but I couldn’t help but overhear you complaining about how busy you are, and I got three words for you: suck it up! Oh, you’ve got three tests tomorrow and no time to study? Boo hoo. I wish I had three tests tomorrow, because it would be so much easier than the hellscape my schedule is. I eat three tests for breakfast and drop an AP exam in the toilet an hour later. Listen here, buddy. I’m varsity in three sports, president of five clubs, taking eight AP classes, applying to 30 colleges and I’m in Band. You think you can impress me with your
schedule? Your life is a cakewalk and mine is the boulder scene from Indiana Jones. I can’t look at you. Not metaphorically, either. The thought of you thinking that you have the right to feel stressed about your life fills me with so much pure, unbridled rage that I literally cannot see anything over a foot away from me. Which is really stressful for me, because I have a vision test after school today. So next time you’re thinking about having “anxiety” or “a panic attack” or “an actual mental health issue diagnosed by a doctor”, don’t. I have it way harder than you do, buddy, so none of your problems are valid. I’m too busy to even finish this article!
you’re probably shocked that I lived past three years old. So were my parents; they did not fiscally prepare at all. I guess you could say I’m “The Boy Who Lived,” but I can’t make that fact public enough to justify a nickname. When I first showed up to MIHS in 2015, I had my backpack with the straps a little too tight, my crumpled class schedule in my hand and a determination to start anew. I had a clean slate in this palace of opportunity and I wasn’t going to let anyone get in my way. I walked into my thirdperiod health class when I saw her: Elaine Wilkins. Elaine Wilkins was a year above me and I was terrified to even share Photo courtesy Spencer Klein a classroom with her. I didn’t pay attention at all The author shields himself from a confirmed carrier of chicken pox. in health because I was staring at her for the entire never know that I hadn’t been if it meant losing her. I sent her this letter in the semester. Her smile could light vaccinated. She would break mail: up a room and her laugh was up with me on the spot. Because I didn’t have the infectious. Dear Elaine, During finals week, I got blessing of my parents, our Before I met you, I did not so scared that I’d never see relationship was whittled her again that in a fit of down to stolen moments in know what love is. I did not practice rooms or the gender- think two people could work desperation, I asked her out. as a team so well together. I She said yes! We saw “Ant- neutral bathroom. Elaine was so sweet, I was also did not get vaccinated Man” and I got so nervous at one point that I ran to the addicted. Whenever I had a and I gave you measles. Love, Jake bathroom to vomit. I missed cut, she would kiss it to make most of the movie because me feel better and if I coughed That was two months ago my vomit has always been in her mouth, she would and I haven’t heard from her filled with blood and I needed always forgive me. One month, Elaine didn’t since. to clean it up so the bathroom I’ve seen her walking around didn’t look like a crime scene. come to school for three weeks. My parents did not approve. I was terrified. I called her over the halls, wearing strictly long “You’re gonna give that girl and over but no answer. I tried sleeves (because of the violent measles, and that’s technically her parents and they said, “She rashes), but whenever I make manslaughter,” they would has measles. We have no idea eye contact she turns away. how this happened.” So, each night I ask the stars say. I knew how. It was all my up above: why must I be an But I didn’t care. I was in love. Elaine, of course, could fault. I had to come clean even anti-vaxxer in love?
Hey Liberals! Postmodernist Anarcho-Leninist Libertarians in physics class?” their shopping carts. Deserve to be Heard Mercer Island is A group of conservative students has That One Kid in History Class guest writer
Mercer Island is not just physically separated from the rest of society, but ideologically as well. No one knows this better than me. As a postmodernist anarcho-Leninist libertarian, I don’t often see my views reflected or even respected in the highly liberal climate of MI. And I’ve decided that it’s time for the world to hear what I have to say. Whenever I advocate for the implementation of privatized, decentralized, worker-owned labor camps, people tense up. Their brows furrow. I hear sighs from around the classroom. People ask me things like
Graphic by Lucille Shield
“Who even thinks that?” Sometimes they say “That doesn’t make any sense!” Or even, “Why are you bringing this up
chokingly liberal, and not in the fun way. Everyone’s a Democrat — end of story. No one has any nuance to their views. Meanwhile, I hold a diverse array of opinions, many of which are selfcontradictory. I always seek out challenges to my own political positions, and more often than not, they come from within. It’s time for Mercer Islanders to learn that there are other ideas out there in the world. At least for now, they’re just browsing in the free marketplace of ideas — but I’m sneaking items into
recently started a Young Americans for Freedom chapter here at MIHS. It’s good to see other perspectives being represented, but let me ask this: what freedoms, exactly, will they advocate for? If they don’t believe in the freedom to cultivate opium in a leaderless anarchist forced-labor co-op farm in Siberia, then they don’t believe in freedom at all. “I definitely think our school has room to improve when it comes to inclusion,” said Associate Principal Jeremy Lionel. “Especially with regards to ideologies like yours...what is it, again? Wait, you’re a what?” I’m a postmodernist anarcho-Leninist libertarian, Mr. Lionel. And it’s time I spoke out.
10 BEN’S WATER BONANZA
Parker Submerges MIHS for “The Little Mermaid” Ben Capuano water columnist
In an attempt to one-up his impressive water work with the pool in this winter’s “Metamorphoses,” MISD Technical Theater Specialist John Parker has succeed in flooding the school for a spring production of “The Little Mermaid.” Realism was the Drama department’s primary focus for the production aspect of this show. This classic Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale takes place inside of the Atlantic Ocean, which has about 310,410,900 cubic kilometers of water. For Drama, this volume was a little too much, so instead they limited it to a more reasonable 84 billion gallons of seawater pumped directly from Puget Sound instead. 84 billion gallons turned out to be slightly more water than what could fit
inside PAC though, resulting in widespread flooding from the center of MIHS to as far as Shorewood. When The MIHS Slander reached out to the Mercer Island School District for comment, they described the damage as “negligible” and told us that they “didn’t care about no dinky lil water spill.” For the mermaid actors, the drama department subsidized illegal black market surgery to replace their legs with proportionally sized fish tails. “It would be nice if I could walk again but I guess I do swim a lot faster now,” King Triton actor Jack Hamilton explained. Air tanks will not be provided as well. “Real mermaids don’t need to breathe air,” Parker explained. When the play debuts in the spring, you will be able to watch it from every single part of the school. Because it’s all underwater now, there will be no escaping the ingenious technical wizardry of Parker’s latest dose of inspired set design.
LIFEWTR
The cafeteria can be a dizzying place to explore. One is expected to always pick a few choice food items out of a veritable sea of options. Right here, I’m going to make one of those decisions a little bit easier for you. Should you pick Lifewtr or smartwater for your hydration needs? Firstly, you need to remember that these are two fundamentally different products for two fundamentally different types of human beings. Lifewtr is designed to be a tool for independent creatives; this is reflected in the ever changing artwork on the side of the bottle and in a rougher, more distinct flavor profile that inspires reflection. Smartwater lies on the other side of this dichotomy. A unique vapor distillation process ensures that the liquid glides across your tongue, arcing gracefully into your throat with every sip. This smooth texture helps to funnel the water into your digestive system at a 30 percent faster rate than other comparable bottled water offerings at the school. Hydration reigns supreme with smartwater. These independent approaches to water have created significant communities around each brand, including some people you might have heard of before. It’s said that the hearty, rustic flavor of Lifewtr inspired Jesus Christ to write the Bible in 2004. Michael Phelps competes almost exclusively in swimming pools filled with smartwater so that his body can subconsciously self-hydrate. He also travels more quickly through liqui-
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Ben’s Top Four Water Tips
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If you ever get attacked by the aliens from the movie “Signs,” dump a bucket of water on them.
Fun fact! Before Henry Cavendish discovered water in the 1700s, people drank juice.
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2
Turning off your faucets before leaving for college is a fun and easy way to conserve water.
To turn a brick into water, simply leave it in your microwave for 15 minutes under the defrost setting.
dated water vapor than normal H2O. Here at The MIHS Slander, 66.67 percent of those tested prefered the experience offered by Lifewtr to smartwater. Print Editor-in-Chief Grady Short explained, “I liked the tasty minerals in my mouth.” It should also be noted that we do have a historic smartwater drinking minority population however. Let’s apply some of these ideas practically by assembling a drinking schedule for the upcoming AP Language and Composition Exam. First, whenever you start reading a passage, you should be drinking Lifewtr. The overpowering minerality will force you to not only reconsider what your definition of water is, but you’ll also look at the text in a different way as a result. Then when you’re speeding through the multiple choice section and writing your essays, make the switch to smartwater. Electrolyzed electrolytes and powerful surfactants will allow you to feel hydrated faster in those tense, mentally taxing moments where every drop counts. Whenever you get a disappointing grade on a test, don’t consider how you could have studied better. Instead, take a hard look at what kind of water you drank beforehand. It makes more of a difference than you think.
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by Ben Capuano water columnist
s martw a t e r
A&E POOLE 11
April 1, 2019
Charlie Fischer staff “writer”
Pegasus, MIHS’s literary magazine, received lots of submissions this year. The MIHS Slander has agreed to print the poems that didn’t quite make it in.
A Magniloquent
Willow
Society Will never understand My inherent future All of my plans
The Boys A La Croix for
Nearly half a century after the Class of ‘69’s inaugural drill team performance, the pioneers of Varsity MIHS Drill are returning for one final show at the Senior Assembly June 10. Performing to classic hits like The Beatles’ “Come Together,” The Temptations’ “I Can’t Get Next To You” and CCR’s “Fortunate Son,” the team will celebrate drill’s 50th anniversary with a vintage flair. “We wanted to do something for the young people that we know they will appreciate. I think that our song choices reflect the values we carry here on MI,” team captain Edith Davis said. “Kids nowadays just listen to naughty music like ‘More Bamba’ and ‘Sick-a-Mode [sic].’” The team first attempted to reunite as early as the spring of 1994 but plans fell through as a few members of the team were unable to attend. “It was all planned out at the time,” Debra Martinez explained. “But Cynthia was having another baby with John, and we all know how that turned out.” With the average age of each alum between 68 and 69 years of age, team members must adjust to a workout regimen similar to the routines that they practiced in their prime. “I may have gotten a little older but I still manage to land my roundoffs every now and then,” Sherri Allen said. “As a girl, my mother always told me to ‘never skip Leg Day’ and I’ve kept chugging along ever since. Even while I was away at med school.” Junior Hannah Schultz observed the team’s practice last Friday. “I thought that the scooters where just props,” Schultz explained. “But they stayed on them for the whole time.” Another onlooker, speaking on the condition of anonymity, also commented on the practice. “I can’t say that I was satisfied,” they said. “The noise wasn’t like anything I ever heard. Imagine stepping on Pop Rocks, stomping on a packet of uncooked spaghetti, think twisting a plastic water bottle without any water in it or dislodging all of your joints and tendons.” Despite their practice, which many described as “sloppy” and “utterly disturbing,” Martinez remains optimistic about her return to the floor. “With my new hip implants I feel as dexterous as ever,” Martinez said. Of course, such a reunion has proved to be bittersweet. “It feels great returning to the high school,” Davis said. “But I would give up all the grace and stars to hear the deafening roar of the auditorium one more time. And that doesn’t even include the cheers of the students.” Team members are hoping to solidify the event as new tradition at MIHS. The administration is looking to invite the team back every spring for at least the next two years, if not 12. “When I hear The Temptations or CCR, it makes me feel young again, it just lifts me off my feet like I’m floating,” Martinez said. “I hope that we can deliver the same feeling to today’s students for years to come.”
Puddles filling At my feet The intrusive chattering Of my teeth
I Am alone Why?
Photo courtesy Gracie Burke. Edited by Annie Poole.
Dedicated to the drink that got me through my Sophomore Year You lay a virgin, untouched with cool beads of perspirations freckling Your seductive curves. You flaunt your passion in colors and names, from Pamplemousse to Berry Your name reigns. You bubble with excitement as I penetrate your lid Your cool taste gives me a grin. You sustain my thirst but only for a quick burst, You’re now immersed with the crap. So, I grab another and another, drunk off my passion for your ecstasy, but the rest is not for you to see.
Whiz Cheese
They still have it.
What is dirt? It makes me feel like trash A solemn raindrop Upon my eyelash
RAT You little
Former Drill Team Performs for 50th Reunion
Rejected from Pegasus
Trapped in a can! Pushing hard against the walls I’m creamy if you dare Age does not frighten me, for I am built to last
Mumble something under your breath Not like anyone’s listenin’ Yeah you mumble under that breath Not like anyone’s listening Standin’ there two feet tall Got that big forehead glistening You incompetent little rat Scurryin’ around your little nest You incompetent little rat Oh, scurryin’ around your little nest Stay around here any longer and They oughta exterminate you like a pest Every day is torture You make me want to quit Every day is torture Yeah you make me want to quit Make up your mind, rat Done dealing with your ––– SHUT UP Wish I never knew her SHUT UP Wish I never knew her What are you doin’ here Don’tcha know little rats belong in the sewer?
Minus An A
Do They Still Have It?
a minus, hastily scrawled in crimson ink upon an essay; hastily written, yes, but that’s not the point. is it? one letter, one symbol – that’s all. no rubric; nothing, in fact to help me understand where I went wrong. my labor versus her rejection, my feeble voice silenced by a bloodred siren of a letter, first of the alphabet, deflowered by that ghastly dash. i turn my eyes skyward, plead against my sad reality, but a faceless god – one who deals in numbers over emotion – decimates with decimals; rips me apart. how could i explain the all-encompassing sadness the vast distance separating myself and those i thought i trusted wedged apart by an a minus.
Hold me, spread me, eat me, eat me Just food, not pure organic product On a cracker, on a strawberry, anywhere, baby Wisconsin proud, baby I’m salty, I’m everywhere, I’m in your fridge Don’t take me in the sky or I meet a brutal pressured end
Cartoon by “Margaret” Fischer
mihsislander.org
Compiled by the MIHS Slander staff
12 “ARTS” & ENTERTAINMENT
The Worst of the Fine Arts Showcase
Isn’t it adorable when the halls of MIHS fill with art by elementary schoolers? These little fools thought they could actually draw. The MIHS Slander’s staff have endured hours of searching through the school to find the absolute worst pieces of “art” imaginable. TOP LEFT Artist: Keith Kith Title: Sorry Kid, This is Business Review: Michelangelo. Leonardo da Vinci. Pieter Breugel. And now, Keith. Something tells us this young artist won’t quite measure up to the masters who came before him. Sorry Keith. BOTTOM LEFT Artist: Rebecca Crispin Title: Flowers at a Funeral Review: A funeral for what, Rebecca? For what? The death of artistic standards? Your future grade in AP 2D Design?
TOP RIGHT Artist: Dora Perrywinkle Title: Rainbow Review: Remember when art used to mean something? Dora’s Rainbow certainly doesn’t. MIDDLE RIGHT Artist: Lisa Humperdinck Title: Hand Turkey and Sun Review: We at the Islander understand that animal portraiture is an art that takes years of practice to master. Meanwhile, Lisa here thought she could whip one out in twenty minutes. Amateurish at best, and disgraceful at worst.
BOTTOM RIGHT Artist: Alex Westbay Title: Rainy Taco Review: What an awful piece of “art.” Looks like Alex will need to spend yet another year in the fourth grade.