Body Language

Body Language – Common Myths and How to Use it Effectively

By Dr. Alex Drewnicky

What is body language?

Body language has all sorts of influences on people and we use it to communicate in many situations without even being aware that we are doing so. Most of us have a vague understanding of what body language is but might be hard pressed to pin a definition on the concept. Essentially though it is reasonably straightforward. Body language is any method of communication using our body. It includes both verbal (what we say, our tone and the volume we use) and non-verbal (body movements, facial expressions, hand gestures and posture.

These different elements sometimes communicate more than we mean them to and they have accurately been described as ‘a silent orchestra that can have long-lasting repercussions’.

In recent years body language has entered into popular culture, helped in no small part by television game shows such as Would I Lie to You? and crime dramas like The Mentalist and Lie to Me. Even in the political realm body language has become a hot button topic with speakers’ every move being analysed in freeze frame to identify which candidate wins the body language contest during the presidential debate. It would be rational to think that we could easily tell what someone is thinking and whether they are lying just from a hand gesture or a crossed arm, but of course it is far less straightforward than that.

“I speak two languages, Body and English” - Mae West Myths of body language You can always tell what someone is thinking That a little knowledge is a dangerous thing is a truism that definitely applies to body language. As the subject has become increasingly popular it has led us to make assumptions about what a person is thinking based on their body language. When we see a person covering their mouth or when their voice becomes high pitched we automatically think they are lying, whereas in reality these actions can simply indicate that the person is feeling under stress.

Research by Paul Elkman and others has found that we are extremely poor at telling when a person is lying - around 50/50 or about the same as if we guessed randomly.

People who are lying avoid eye contact They will not meet my eye so therefore they must be lying! This is a common misconception about body language and comes from the belief that a person who is lying knows they will be found out because their eyes will show the deception. The corollary is that people who look us in the eye are telling the truth. However, some people are so confident that they can brazen out a situation where their lie may be uncovered that they can look at the listener directly even though they know they are lying. Indeed, because it is commonly known that maintaining eye contact is key to being believed some people overcompensate by staring at the other person.

Interestingly, psychopaths, sociopaths and other psychologically maladjusted individuals have often developed the ability to maintain fixed eye contact. Interestingly, in some games such as poker the myth may hold out. Players who avoid eye contact sometimes do so because they are bluffing with a low value hand.

People look to the right when they are telling a lie The basis for this is that we think creatively with the right side of our brains and therefore if we make up something that is false we will instinctively look over at that side. However, humans actually store memories in different places and we all look at different points when we are retrieving a memory. This may be to the left, right or dead centre and can be up or down, depending on the person. Therefore if a person looks in a particular direction it does not prove that a person is either telling the truth or lying. However, people are consistent so it is possible to gauge with an untruth with greater accuracy if we do a little groundwork. If we ask a couple of questions that we know will elicit a truthful response, such as how they travelled in that day we can identify where the person ‘stores’ their memories. These anchor questions can guide us as to the person’s future responses and tell us when they are telling the truth.

Crossing your arms means ‘No!’ Although it sometimes does indicate that the person does not want to listen to the message they are hearing it can also mean that the person feels comfortable in that position or even just that they are cold. Crossing arms can also help some people to concentrate. The same is true for people who cross their legs. Often people are just comfortable in this position.

Fast talkers are not to be trusted Another common myth about body language is that people who talk quickly are hoping that they will not be questioned because they are preventing people from raising objections or disputing what they are saying. Our average talking speed is between 125 and 225 words per minute. At the lower end people give the impression of being in control, authoritative and truthful. At faster speeds listeners often put up mental barriers to what the speaker is saying.

However, in reality people who are telling a lie often speak more slowly because they have to spend slightly more time making up the what they are saying. They initially have to process the truth and then alter this to fit the lie. Where a person’s speech is slow, broken up with pauses and lacking in contractions (‘I would like that’ rather than ‘I’d like that’) it is more likely that they are telling a lie.

Similarly if someone acts in a nervous way we tend to think they are not to be trusted.

However, people find different situations stressful and may simply be reacting to the occasion.

Some poker players think wrongly that a person who is nervous has a weak hand when in reality the nerves often come from excitement about having a strong hand.

Masking People use masking in social situation for a variety of reasons, some positive and some negative. We can think of many examples where it would be inappropriate to show our true feelings and because of this it becomes preferable to hide them. If you were out to dinner and found yourself next to a particularly boring or dislikable person you would probably smile politely and hope the meal passes as quickly as possible (hopefully avoiding dessert and coffee at the end). There are countless situations when we stick a smile on our face and get on with things hoping we can move on with our lives before long. In these situations a smile helps everything run smoothly. There may also be times when we hide our feelings for less altruistic reasons, such as lying to get ourselves out of a tricky situation. Poker players sometimes act in a friendly way towards other players after they have made a bet, if they have a weak hand and are bluffing. This is because they subconsciously want to avoid a confrontation.

In situations such as these it can be useful to develop masking skills. One way we use masking is to mirror the body language of the person we are speaking to. This involves positioning our bodies in the same way, including their posture, how they hold their arms or turn their heads.

This technique is commonly used when people are consciously trying to build rapport and can be effective because the congruence of body language suggests agreement, which is vital for rapport, and other people are less likely to distrust someone with whom they have this connection. You can test whether you have built rapport in this way by mirroring the other person for a while in a reactive way (following the other person’s movements) and then trying to lead by, for example subtly changing posture. If the other person follows your lead then it is likely that you have built rapport.

If we lie our body language can get thrown out of kilter because there is a disconnect between what our voice is telling the listener and what our body language is saying. As people tend to believe what they see more than what they hear a conflict is created between the two sets of messages. In this situation listeners will often believe the body language over the person’s words.

“When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson It is a truism that the best salespeople are those who believe in what they are selling. One of the reasons for this is that their body language is in harmony with the message they are conveying. In the same way actors who are immersed in the part communicate performances with much greater power. Therefore, if we want people to accept what we are saying the key is to believe in it ourselves. Poker players who adopt a pure or game theory optimal (GTO) strategy can benefit from this approach. With this strategy a player decides in advance how they are going to play certain combinations of cards. For example, if Player 1 is dealt a high

value pair (pair of Jacks) they might decide to raise every time, whereas if they have a connected suit (7 and 8 of clubs) they might decide to always call. This strategy aims to remove the opponent from consideration. When a player stays in the game, believing they have the winning hand, their body language should flow in harmony with their actions, projecting the kind of confidence that can win a game.

Another way we can mask our thoughts and emotions is to modulate our voice to a low, confident pitch. As mentioned previously, high, fast voices can sometimes (unfairly) give the impression that a person is lying or should not be relied upon. However, this can be turned to our advantage by controlling our voices to project an impression of confidence. A well known example of this was Margaret Thatcher, who changed her speaking voice from a fast, slightly high pitched tone to one that was far deeper and more measured. The result was that she invariably gave the impression of being confident and in control of a given situation.

Getting better at reading people Familiarity breeds understanding It is something of a fool’s errand to believe we can predict with one hundred percent accuracy what another person is thinking or whether they are lying or not. The way that people use habits and mannerisms is often specific to them and can mean different things from one person to the next. To assess someone’s behaviour you would have to know how they behave in situations where they are comfortable and then compare this to situations where you think the person is lying. If the person’s behaviour is very different then it might be an indication that the person is trying to deceive. However it could also be as a result of the individual feeling under stress.

It can be easier to separate the false positives from the true indicators of lying with nonstrangers. Some have argued that with people we know it is not necessary to be skilled at reading body language because we can recognise the signs of their behaviour instinctively.

When a partner or family member is happy or annoyed with us it usually doesn’t take us long to figure it out and most of us are not experts in the field. Undoubtedly this is because we spend so much time with the people closest to us that we are very familiar with their individual habits and mannerisms. The key to understanding their body language is that these little give aways are specific to them. Other people may use similar posture, tone of voice and facial expressions but be communicating in very different way. It may be that the best way to learn about someone is just to spend time with them and learn to read their individual body language. This may bear fruit for work colleagues, clients or even poker opponents.

Thinking can be counter-productive If we try to over process what body language means it can work against us. This is because if we stamp a meaning on every cross of the arms, pull of the ears or glance to the floor we may be getting in the way of our natural ability to tell what people are thinking. Humans have developed excellent skills at reading those around us as part of our evolutionary defences. In layperson’s terms this is known as gut instinct or women’s intuition and can be much more effective than conscious detection. Therefore, instead of trying to analyse a situation to death we may be better off paying attention to what our instinctive thoughts are telling us and then figure out what it means. Doing this often enough may help us fine-tune our ability.

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said” - Peter F. Drucker Pay attention to the reliable indicators While the arms, legs and voice are unreliable body language indicators, many facial expression are useful in reading someone’s thoughts. Interestingly we do not necessarily include smiling in this as people sometimes use a smile to try and mask their emotions.

“A man can smile and smile and be a villain” - William Shakespeare

James Borg has explained that it is virtually impossible for us to mask certain body language indicators that our faces give away, principally the eyes. When we smile in a true way our eyes are connected to the action of our mouths and the corners crinkle - giving us crows feet as we get older. This connectivity between the mouth and the eyes is something we are largely powerless to prevent. While we can force a smile on our faces to project an impression to the world we cannot force our eyes to connect to the smile.

Look at the entire person Trying to read body language from a single gesture has been compared to believing you can understand a sentence from a single word. Just as one swallow doesn’t make a summer, we must take note of groups of signals and put them all together. In this, our first impressions can be useful because when we meet someone we can begin to piece together all the clues they are undoubtedly giving us. For example, if you are at a business meeting does your opposite number have their paperwork placed in an orderly, symmetrical way or is it more haphazard?

Neatness can suggest conservatism or an aversion to risk. In the same way a poker player that places their chips in a careful pile may be one to shy away from risky bets. The flipside is that when they do bet you can be confident they have a good hand, which is very useful information. Conversely, a player that keeps their chips in a messy pile may play in a less controlled way and be more likely to bluff or bet in a risky way.

Resources tx.english-ch.com www.forbes.com http://www.fulltiltpoker.com/poker/free

www.imdb.com www.livescience.com www.psychologytoday.com thomascarlson.org en.wikipedia.org