Free to Thrive
Free to Thrive
Volume 2
Issue 1
You Are Not Alone ANNOUNCING… Beyond Abuse Radio Goes Live!!! I am thrilled to tell you that I have been invited to join a new radio network, OABI Voices United, and to re-air my broadcasts twice a week on Saving Faith Radio! I will also begin archiving some of the shows. Beginning this Saturday, July 30th at noon, PST, I will begin a 60 minute live format. I will be taking live callers, so please call in with questions! See page 14 for weblinks, call in # and times.
Inside this issue: You Are Not Alone!
1
Creating Healthy Connections 1
Beyond Abuse Radio Goes Live! Links and times
6
Questions to Ask a Prospective Professional Helper
8
Practical Steps for Building Community
12
Luminous Links
15
I spent decades longing for more friends, wishing that I had a safe community for support and encouragement. While I was extroverted and spent time with other people, I had very little real connection. I was rarely invited to join in social activities with others, and was often turned down when I did the inviting myself. I was stuck in living out my wounded thinking about myself, others, and the world. I unconsciously believed that I was not worth loving, and others were not trustworthy, and it showed in my interactions. My beliefs came from the messages I received from my abusers throughout my childhood, and they were planted deeply in my mind and heart. I unknowingly lived them out with every thought and word.
The Isolation of Abuse Abuse creates isolation. That is, perhaps, the most painful by-product of being abused, and also, the very thing that keeps us from our healing. Abuse itself requires that we be isolated. Being part of a functional family or community will often prevent abuse from ever taking place. After the fact of abuse, a functional family offers a safe place to speak the horrible truth of what happened and facilitate our healing. Thus, the long term impact of abuse upon those who have community to heal within will be much less than for those going it alone. (pg2)
Creating Healthy Connections Mara grew up in a close knit church but didn’t realize until her adult years that the relationships in that community were very controlling. She was told what she could and could not do at every turn and the possibility of being rejected from the community constantly hung over her family’s head. Her parents mirrored the church and Mara developed an unconscious need to please authority. She learned to bend her own dreams, desires, and decisions to whatever she guessed someone else would expect her to do. As she formed friendships and intimate relationships she unconsciously sought out others who would try to control her. As Mara becomes increasingly aware of the dysfunctional patterns in (pg4)
Free to Thrive
Page 2
You Are Not Alone (cont) It is not good for us to be alone. Often, abuse creates a double-bind. We become unable to reach out and break our isolation because of the powerful hold of the false beliefs that were planted as a result of the messages we received as children. But until we do reach out and break that isolation, we cannot hear the truths that would replace those beliefs. In essence, we continue to live from our wounded parts because our minds and hearts have no other input. We may read lots of self-help books, articles and blogs written from others on their healing journey, etc, but we avoid developing relationships where we can know another and be known in the context of both our brokenness and our beauty. We try to heal outside of the context of relationships.
from other human
It doesn’t work. Elie Weisel, a survivor of the Nazi death camps, says, “Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings.” The truth is, beloved, that we cannot heal apart from relationships. We are wounded in the context of relationship and we must heal within that context, as well. We simply are relational beings and there is no way around it.
beings, hope, too,
Defining Functional
“Just as despair can come to one only
can be given to one only by other human beings.”
How do we create functional community when we have perhaps never experienced it? That is a great question. (So glad you asked). AA has part of the picture. They strongly encourage those in recovery to attend groups, learn to listen to one another without judgment or attempt to fix others, and to have a sponsor -- someone who is a few steps ahead of you on the healing path. Finding a good therapist, spiritual director, coach, or mentor is critical.
— Elie Weisel There are many excellent helpers out there, and many who are not so good, too, so it is important to interview and carefully consider your options. I’ve included some great questions to ask a potential helper so that you have a starting place for discussion. One thing to always keep in mind is that whoever you choose to work with should bring you more freedom, not less. It is more helpful to find someone who will ask you challenging questions than someone who gives you lots of answers. It is also a good thing to be involved with more than one person so that you have a balance of input. A good helper is someone who is able to listen deeply, hearing what you have to share. They will be emotionally connected, creating a safe place to feel what you are feeling and offer support, encouragement and resources. They will give you the freedom to find your own outcomes, not being personally invested in your choices. Beware of the helper who may try to meet their own needs through working with you. Everyone else can offer their own perspectives, experience, tools, and resources (which are very helpful), but they will never be able to see life through your eyes. The ONLY experts on you are you and the One who made you. Do not let anyone else be your ultimate source of truth.
Page 3
Free to Thrive
You Are Not Alone (cont) Finding Your True Identity Speaking of the Source of Truth, part of moving out of isolation includes coming to know yourself and the God who made you. Finding our true identity, rather than living out of the false identity that we received from our abusers, is a very necessary part of our healing journey. It is not something we create, it is something we discover, and it is best discovered in relationship with the One who created us. We can best come to know ourselves by coming to know how we are known by God. An excellent resource to learn more about this topic is the book, “The Gift of Being Yourself” by David G. Benner. Benner writes that, “to surrender to Divine love is to find our soul’s home – the place and identity for which we yearn in every cell of our being…Created from love, of love, and for love, our existence makes no sense apart from Divine love.” When we are becoming grounded in our identity and connected to Divine love, we then gain the inner stability to trust others. It is not a linear experience, however. We do a little work with God and then a little with other people, and back and forth. We can ask God to bring the right people and slowly build healthy relationships. We learn (through trial and error) to discern who is trustworthy in which places. We are all a combination of broken and beautiful, so we all have places within us that are safe and those that are not.
Realistic Expectations No one will be a perfect parent, friend, or mentor. Yet many people do have something to give to your healing. If you are looking for someone to be the model of perfection and never hurt you, you are looking in the wrong place. Only God can be that for you, so it is helpful to establish an open relationship with Him in addition to other people. Ultimately, you can become your own good enough parent and learn to extend unconditional love to your wounded parts as you are increasingly rooted and grounded in God’s perfect love (but that is a subject for another newsletter). Being grounded will help you to develop relationships with others who can support you as you heal that are realistic and still allow you to receive the love, encouragement, and connection that you need. I am including an article on what healthy relationships look like, something on practical steps to move out of isolation, and some links for lots of helpful resources on the subject. Oh, and don’t miss the exciting announcement about Beyond Abuse Radio! As you make the courageous choice to walk into healing community, I hope you find some encouragement along the way in these pages. Blessings on the Journey, Misa Leonessa
“When we are becoming grounded in our identity and connected to Divine love, we then gain the inner stability to trust others. “ —Misa Leonessa
Page 4
Free to Thrive
Creating Healthy Connections (cont)
by Misa Leonessa
in her relationships, she desires to make some changes. She wants to find healthier people, but she doesn’t really know what they look like. Growing up in the midst of emotional and spiritual abuse, she has no clue as to what functional community should be.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like? When we spend our childhood in an environment that does not teach us the truth about who we are and how the world works, we are unable to make decisions as adults that create healthy connections. So, what do healthy connections look like? I have spent much of the past 30 years learning about the answers to this question and I’d like to share some of my discoveries here.
A Story of Spiritual Abuse and Healing From abused child to wounded adult, I became a target of adult spiritual and emotional abuse. Listen in to the Michal Madison Show as I share a part of my healing journey never publically broadcast before. Click link to listen
One of the clearest signs that a relationship is healthy is that you are able to become more of your authentic self when you are with other people. The connection will bring you more and more freedom to act from who you really are inside. The more free you feel in someone’s presence, the more likely it is to be a healthy connection. Don Bisson, spiritual director and speaker says, “The safe space for the soul is the place where the secrets of one’s being can be exposed.” Can you be either spontaneous and fun or focused and serious? Either weak or strong? Express joy or sorrow? Are you received as who you know yourself to be or do you feel that you need to be someone else or to do certain things to be accepted? In a healthy relationship you will be able to listen deeply and also to know that you are heard. Listening requires setting aside your own agenda and being full present to what the other person is saying. We also need to be able to set personal boundaries and have them respected and respect the boundaries of others. A boundary lets another person know when something is okay or not okay with you. Setting gracious boundaries requires knowing what belongs to you and what belongs to the other person. A healthy relationship is one in which both people are emotionally connected to the other, without either needing to control the other. You are able to communicate at a meaningful level and express thoughts, desires, and feelings. Both of you are honest and both of you choose to respect the other’s experiences and how you feel about those experiences.
Overcoming Challenges One of the first boundaries I ever set was with my family of origin. As I recognized that our family gatherings were pretty dysfunctional, I choose to stop attending them. I talked to each individual in the family and told them that I was open to having a one-on-one relationship with them if we both agreed to two parame-
Free to Thrive
Page 5
Creating Healthy Connections (cont) by Misa Leaonessa ters: we must both be honest and we must both treat each other respectfully. Because our family did not generally exhibit these characteristics, we didn’t know what they even looked like. As I became more accustomed to being around healthier people and saw what honest, mutually respectful relationships looked like, I was no longer willing to accept the manipulating kind of communication that tore each other down that was my family’s brand of relating. Another challenge I had to overcome in learning to have healthy connections was to have a mutual relationship. I had relationships where I was the “giver” and others where I was the “receiver”, but not one in which I could do both, off and on. Henry Nouwen describes us as having both a “lion” part (the adult, initiative-taking, decision making, leader self) and a “lamb” part (the fearful, vulnerable part that needs affection, support, affirmation, and nurturing). I was only able to relate to people from one or the other. I was either the strong supporter for someone in need or the needy, helpless person with the one I perceived was stronger than I. This didn’t work well. It set me up to being co-dependent with those who I thought I could help and dependent on those I thought could help me. In the long run, this got me into a lot of trouble! Instead, Nouwen says that as we learn to “fully claim both your lion and your lamb…you can act assertively without denying your own needs. And you can ask for affection and care without betraying your talent to offer leadership.” As I have learned to have mutual relationships where I can give AND receive, I have grown a deep sense of being known and loved both in my “lion” and my “lamb.” It is important in relationships for each individual to be responsible for their own needs. While we can care for one another as we are able, we are NEVER responsible for meeting the other’s needs, nor are they responsible for meeting ours. We can respectfully ask for another to do something for us, and graciously receive either a “yes” or a “no” in reply. If the answer is “no,” it is up to us to find another way to meet it or to choose to live with the need unmet until such a time that it can be addressed. I believe that God is the One ultimately responsible for my care and that if someone in my life is unable to meet a need for me at a particular time, I endeavor to keep my trust in Him who is the perfect lover of my soul. It can be challenging at times, especially since I didn’t have parents I could trust to take care of me as a child, but I am growing in this area.
The Root of Isolation According to Don Bisson, isolation causes us to “limit our vision and move us into self absorption and a form of narcissism which envelopes us.” He says that the roots of isolation and loneliness have to do with not having a sense of self and we often create enmeshment with others in the search to find that self. Until we find it, we cannot truly belong to our self or another. But the truth is, beloved, that you cannot find your self apart from relationship with others. We must learn to create a circle of trust where our soul is neither invaded (broken into without permission) or evaded (where we avoid speaking the truth or challenging each other). We can discuss the hard things and share what it means to be authentic. Though it can be a scary thing, moving out into connection is absolutely necessary for healing. Don’t expect yourself to do it perfectly, either. Instead, expect to make plenty of mistakes and be loved and forgiven in the midst of your learning process.
Do You Benefit from the Free to Thrive Newsletter? Feel free to pass this newsletter onto your friends and family! Please consider making a donation to keep this newsletter going. I am glad to spend my time writing and putting together resources and it costs $ to make it all happen. I don’t want to charge for it so that it can be available to all regardless of their income, but I need to pay the bills, too. If this is a helpful resource for you, make a check out to Misa Leonessa and send it to 6350 Wright St, Felton, CA 95018.
Page 6
Free to Thrive
Transform Your Trauma into Beauty.
New live program! Saturdays 12-1 PST Blog Talk Radio OABI Voices United Network Click here to listen
Call in # 323.443.7467 Replays
Tuesdays and Thursdays 11:00 a.m. PST Saving Faith Radio Click link
Are you ready to be known and loved? Is it time to move from mere survival from trauma into a thriving life? Beyond Abuse Radio is a safe place to find healing and wholeness and embrace your own beauty. Overcoming trauma may not be easy, but it is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone. Join me each week to learn about tools for healing and receive the encouragement, support, and resources you need on your journey into wholeness.
Beyond Abuse Radio Joins OABI Network In addition to joining the radio network, OABI Voices United has also welcomed me as a member of their ministry team. OABI stands for Organization for Abused and Battered Individuals and is an international ministry that reaches many hurting people around the world. They are deeply dedicated to touching lives with the hope and power of God’s healing. They also are publishing an amazing magazine that you can find on my Luminous Links page. I will be writing for them, as well. Becoming part of this network is a great blessing for me.
Volunteer Assistant(s) Needed Blog Talk Radio not only has the capacity to handle live callers, but a chat room can be open during the show as well. We need a co-host to train (it’s an EASY system to learn) and work on the Saturday show. I would be happy to train 2 people who could share the job. It is one hour a week on Saturdays at noon, Pacific Time. You would do the job from your home on your own phone and computer. Don’t be intimidated by thinking it’s too technical for you- it’s really not hard. If you have a heart to see Beyond Abuse Radio continue to grow and reach more people, consider taking just 2 hours a month and assisting in this worthy endeavor.
Free to Thrive
Page 7
Beyond Abuse Radio Needs Your Help We need donations to fund a website page that will include archived shows, links to and times of broadcasts, information on upcoming topics and guests, etc. Funds are also needed to print and distribute promotional materials. Your $25 donation will buy 100 postcards. A $100 donation will pay for one-third of the website improvements. Make checks out to Misa Leonessa and send to 6350 Wright St, Felton, Ca 95018. Thank you for your support.
Page 8
Free to Thrive
Questions to Ask Your Therapist By Ben Martin, Psy.D. Questions to ask when choosing a psychiatrist or therapist:
Are you licensed by the state? Licensure is important because it means that the provider has passed minimum competency standards for training and expertise. Choosing the right therapist is important and often difficult to do simply by looking at ads in the Yellow Pages. Credentials can be important, but are not the whole story. Word of mouth is the best advertisement for the quality of a therapist. While people are still reticent about talking about mental health, experiences of friends or relatives can be valuable. You can also seek information from your primary physician...Finally, you can consult referral hotlines of professional organizations, including your state or local medical society, association or other professional group. They often have a list of members who specialize in situations similar to yours. —Ben Martin
What level of education do you have? Psychotherapy is available from a number of different providers. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have completed special training in psychiatry. They can prescribe medication in addition to providing psychotherapy. Psychologists usually have a doctoral degree in psychology. They can conduct psychological testing that may aid in the diagnosis of your depression and any associated conditions. Most other therapists have masters degrees in a related discipline including licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), advanced registered nurse practitioners (ARNP) and licensed mental health counselors.
What are your areas of expertise? Most therapists are really good at a few things, not everything. What success in treating people have they had?
How long have you been in practice? This can be a source of information regarding the therapist’s effectiveness. A therapist who is not effective will have a hard time maintaining an active referral base and staying in business.
How much do you charge per session? Costs among therapists can vary widely and are often related to their number of years in training. A psychiatrist or psychologist will probably be more expensive than a social worker of mental health counselor. While this is clearly not a situation of “you get what you pay for,” you should be aware that training differences among these professionals may have an impact on your treatment. Usually, more severe symptoms or complex history and medication regimen, will require a psychiatrist, especially if this person will be primarily responsible for your care.
What insurance do you take? Psychotherapy can be expensive and having your treatment covered by insurance will greatly help defray costs. Check that the person you are seeing is able to handle third-party billing (insurance) and that treatment is covered by your insurance plan. You can obtain this information from your benefits person or
Free to Thrive
Page 9
Questions to Ask Your Therapist (cont) the therapist. If you are not a medical doctor, do you work with a psychiatrist or other physician who manages the medication? A “yes” answer improves the chances you will be prescribed medication if you need it.
Do you have a cancellation policy? Some therapists charge for missed appointments or cancellations within a certain period of time. If you have inconsistent transportation or other issues that may affect your ability to keep appointments this will be important information.
Are references available? Ask for recommendations or references from the professional’s other colleagues. (And then check them!)
In cases of emergency, do you have an ‘on-call’ system? Hopefully, the answer is “yes”. (I would add the following questions: What brought you to become a therapist? What kind of supervision are you under?) Find article here
Probably the best method of choosing a therapist is to gauge your reaction to him or her. Research on the effectiveness of psychotherapy has consistently shown that the personal qualities of therapists and how they “fit” with the patient are at least as important as the type of therapy used to produce a positive outcome. If you feel uncomfortable with a therapist after several sessions, make sure you discuss this. If an issue cannot be resolved to your satisfaction, then seek another therapist. If the problem is with you, you will discover it soon enough. Keep in mind, too, that while the therapist may be recognized as being very effective and you can be an ideal patient, you just may not be able to work together. People are different and sometimes relationships do not work out. If that happens, find another therapist. —Ben Martin
Free to Thrive
Page 10
Questions to Ask a Prospective Spiritual Director What is Spiritual Direction? Walking with a Spiritual Companion The phrase “spiritual direction” can be a disquieting one. I don’t want someone else to “direct” my spiritual life! If I go to a spiritual director, does that mean there is something “wrong” with me spiritually? Can’t I pursue God on my own? These are all very wise questions to ask!! Just what IS spiritual direction and what role does a spiritual director play in one’s life? Because spiritual direction flows primarily from Catholic and Orthodox backgrounds, it is often not well understood, and perhaps even viewed with suspicion, among many Protestant believers. Yet there are many Protestant denominations today who are embracing this ancient model of relationship between two individuals for the purpose of deepening one’s walk with God. Read more here
Spiritual Directors International recommends you interview at least two prospective spiritual directors, if possible. Ideally, if you live in an area that has many available spiritual directors, it is best to interview at least three spiritual directors, using questions such as these: 1. What is your faith tradition? 2. What enrichment, spiritual formation, and theological education do you have in spiritual direction? 3. What is your personal experience tending your own prayer, meditation and contemplative life? 4. What is your experience as a spiritual director? How many years? In what environments? What are you most interested in spiritually? 5. How do you continue your education for your spiritual direction ministry? 6. Are you in supervision? If so, how often do you meet with your supervisor? 7. What ethical guidelines do you abide by, such as those published by Spiritual Directors International? Have you ever been accused or convicted of misconduct? 8. What type of engagement agreement will we establish to clarify roles and responsibilities in our spiritual direction relationship, such as samples provided to members of Spiritual Directors International? 9. How often will we meet, and for how long? 10. Is there a cost associated with your spiritual direction ministry? From Spiritual Directors International See article here
Free to Thrive
Page 11
Questions for a Prospective Life Coach
What motivated you to become a life coach? Where did you receive your training? How long have you been coaching? What is your area of expertise? What continuing education are you engaged in?
Things to notice when you interview them and/or have your introductory session:
Do they draw solutions from you rather than give advice? Do they listen, observe and customize their approach to your needs? Are they transparent and without agenda? Are they willing to speak the truth in a non-judgmental way, based upon the observations they make? Do they hold the belief that you are naturally creative and resourceful? Do they draw solutions from you rather than give advice? Do they encourage you to dig deep within yourself for the answers? Do they provide support to enhance the skill, resources, and creativity that you already have? Do they believe that success is up to you, encouraging personal responsibility and ownership of your own life?
A good relationship coach can help you learn how to make and keep healthy connections with friends and loved ones. A good coach is a great listener, encourager, and resource person. Use a relationship coach to help you: Learn to think in new ways. Discover new options. Thrive in the midst of difficult situations. Find new growth and authenticity.
Page 12
Free to Thrive
Practical Steps for Building Community by Misa Leonessa
One important relationship skill involves deciding to whom and when you will give access to your inner life. Henry Nouwen talks about your life as a castle surrounded by a moat.
I am currently taking new coaching and spiritual direction clients. You can contact me at inspire@ misacoach.com
Or call 831 335-1265
“The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle. It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think that you are being generous in giving access to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul. When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart.” Learning to control your drawbridge opens up new options for you. Instead of keeping everyone at arms’ length away (or perhaps further), you can choose to let in those you want to know in your own time and depth as you feel ready. It is not an all or nothing equation. It is likely that you will have to move out of your comfort zone at times, but you call the shots. Learning about having healthy relationships is a good beginning, but you can’t HAVE healthy relationships if you are not around people. You need a relationship lab, so to speak, to work out your true identity and practice the things you are learning. So, let’s get practical and talk about finding community. There are so many options for connecting open to you. Let the desires of your heart be your guide. When you feel fearful of being vulnerable, embrace that hurting part and take a few minutes to find out what she/he is afraid of. Then let her/him know that you are learning some new things and can be a better guard of your castle drawbridge than you were as a child.
Get Coaching, Spiritual Direction, Counseling, or Mentoring- Getting support and encouragement from a well trained professional can be key to helping you move out of isolation. Telling someone your story and knowing you have been heard is critical. It can be scary to open up to someone, but being known and accepted in a safe environment can lay the groundwork to move into other healthy relationships. In my last newsletter I provided a list of individuals I recommend. If you don’t have the newsletter and would like the list, please contact me and I’ll be
Page 13
Free to Thrive
Practical Steps for Building Community
(cont)
glad to send it to you.
Take a Course/Join a Support Group- Living from the Heart, Life Skills, THRIVE, Retrouvaille, 12 Step Groups, abuse survivors groups, the list is endless. You cannot learn how to have relationships in a vacuum. Not only do you need good information, you need a safe place to apply your new skills. I’ve listed some of them in the Luminous Links section of this newsletter. If you’re like me and you’ve avoided doing group work for a long time, it may be time to consider taking a new step here. I started with Life Skills and it was really the turning point in my healing.
Join an Interest Group- Do you like to hike, garden, write or paint? What are you most interested in doing in your free time? Find others who share the same passion. I know several people who are part of reading clubs and they have experienced tremendous satisfaction in building relationships through those groups. I am part of a writing group and a painting group and both bring me great joy. The friendships that I am building as a result of these two groups put air in my sails. They are safe places for me experiment with relationships as I focus on activities that we have in common. Try a meet-up group, or search the internet for ideas. Talk to friends and family about groups they know about. If you love to sail, find out if there is a sailing club in your community. My husband joined the UCSC sailing club a couple of years ago and it has proven a great place to build community with others who are as passionate about sailing as he is. Become a Volunteer- Volunteering can also provide a good place to meet people and begin developing relationships. I volunteer for the Survivor’s Healing of Santa Cruz and TEDx Santa Cruz. Both organizations are filled with amazing people. I can use my talents to help causes that are meaningful to me and also get to know others with similar hearts to give to their community. There are many opportunities to do volunteer work. Help to build a house, feed the hungry, save the environment, or end child abuse! Or become a docent at a museum or park. The key is to find something you LOVE to do and do it with other people. Initiate Friendships- When you meet someone you think you might like to know better, ask them out for coffee. Get their email and/or phone number. Consider “friending” them on Facebook if you use it. If you both love to garden, invite them to your home and ask
“What are you most interested in doing in your free time? Find others who share the same passion.”
“Find common ground to build on. Start with things you know you are both interested in.”
Free to Thrive
Page 14
Practical Steps for Building Community (cont) them to share their ideas and insights to improve your garden. Find common ground to build on. Start with things you know you are both interested in. Do you enjoy scrapbooking or making crafts? Find others who share that hobby and plan a day crafting together.
“You were wired for community and you cannot neglect that without impacting your emotional and spiritual health.” —Misa Leonessa
I met one of my closest friends through a homeschool speech club my girls and I were part of. We connected originally through our common interests in homeschooling and speech but as we got to know each other we found we had many, many things in common. The kids are all grown up and scattered but we are fast friends. A new friend I have made recently I met on Facebook. We both have radio shows about healing from abuse. We had been networking for a few months when I got brave and called her to ask about doing live radio shows through Blog Talk Radio. She was the bridge to the new radio opportunity I share in my “Announcing” section of this newsletter. In the past six weeks we have called and emailed each other regularly to support and pray for each other. We also both love to paint (though she is light years better than I am!) and I hope to be able to learn from her amazing gift in artistry. There are lots of groups online and networking through the internet can be a start to building relationships. Be careful not to limit yourself to online relating, however. You need face time (and that DOESN’T include Facebook)! Research shows that your brain registers interactions over the computer (even on Skype) differently than it does with in-person connections. You were wired for community and you cannot neglect that without impacting your emotional and spiritual health. So, get up, walk away from that computer, and get out where you can be with flesh-andblood, real people.
Page 15
Free to Thrive
Luminous Links
Programs and Support Groups for Growing Healthy Connections: “...get up, walk away
Living From the Heart
A 14 week course on living authentically in intimate relationships. Are you ready to move beyond survival and thrive? You can fill those longings for deep, authentic relationships and spiritual depth as you grow in your awareness of what motivates your thinking, feelings, and actions. This course will move you beyond self-protective patterns and into relating heart to heart. Read more here. Contact me for more information at inspire@misacoach.com
Life Skills International
Life Skills International grew out of Dr. Paul Hegstroms’s personal battle with abusive behavior. In his own search for answers, Paul invested thousands of hours in research and facilitating groups. The course he developed, “Learning to Live, Learning to Love,” is now offered at the Life Skills Centers around the world. It is a place to understand some of the “whys” of unhealthy, reactive behaviors and gain tools that foster change. Learn more here
South Hills Life Skills
Painful childhood experiences that are unresolved cause reactive behaviors in our adult life. These behaviors can destroy our potential for happiness and success. With limited ability to have healthy relationships, we sabotage our careers and personal relationships. These factors contribute to our anger in a negative manner. Life Skills teaches us a new and better way. Learn more here
THRIVE!
Premier relational brain skill training. THRIVE training was the first to develop training methods to strategically train people and their brains to function at their best. Soon you will see many groups who are just now starting to teach what we have been practicing since 2001. We restore missing relational brain skills in families, leaders, and communities that keep loving people from thriving. Learn more here
from that computer, and get out where you can be with flesh-and-blood, real people.”
Page 16
Free to Thrive Luminous Links (cont)
Retrouvaille The program offers tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship. Thousands of couples headed for cold, unloving relationships or divorce have successfully overcome their marriage problems by attending the program. The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6 -12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way. Learn more here
“I am not what happened to me. I am what I
Survivor’s Healing Center of Santa Cruz Group Counseling-- We believe that survivors of child sexual abuse and those who love and support them benefit by interacting with others in similar situations. We have couples groups, art therapy groups, men’s and women’s groups and more! Learn more here
Articles/Talks on Growing Healthy Connections:
choose to become.” -Carl Jung
Connected But Alone? By Sherry Turkle “The feeling that ‘no one is listening to me’ makes us want to spend time with machines that seem to care about us.” As we expect more from technology, do we expect less from each other? Sherry Turkle studies how our devices and online personas are redefining human connection and communication -and asks us to think deeply about the new kinds of connection we want to have. Sherry Turkle studies how technology is shaping our modern relationships: with others, with ourselves, with it. Listen here.
Characteristics of Healthy Relationships Read it here
Characteristics of a Healthy Friendship or Dating Relationship Read it here
10 Characteristics of Successful Relationships Read it here 15 Traits of a Healthy Relationship Read it here 10 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship Read it here
Page 17
Free to Thrive Luminous Links (cont)
Books, e-Books, and CDs About Making Healthy Connections: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller In this groundbreaking book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller reveal how an understanding of attachment theory-the most advanced relationship science in existence todaycan help us find and sustain love. According to attachment theory, every person behaves in relationships in one of three distinct ways: *ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back. *AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness. *SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. Attached guides readers in determining what attachment style they and their mate (or potential mates) follow. It also offers readers a wealth of advice on how to navigate their relationships more wisely given their attachment style and that of their partner. An insightful look at the science behind love, Attached offers readers a road map for building stronger, more fulfilling connections. Learn more here
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” —CS Lewis
This is the publication put out by the new ministry network I am part of. I am excited about writing for it. Take a look—it’s an awesome magazine! OABI Voices United in Global Unity Against Abuse http:// www.oabivoices.org /#!magazine/cubf A monthly publication empowering people to use their voices and bringing together victims, advocates, and organizations from around the globe to bring an end to all forms of child and domestic abuse
Page 18
Free to Thrive Luminous Links (cont)
Attachments by Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy Drawing on groundbreaking research, Drs. Clinton and Sibcy show what’s at work when people flounder, or do surprisingly well, in the tricky business of loving and being loved. The authors deftly explain how our attachments develop as children and affect us as adults, how we fall into dysfunctional patterns, and how we can restore solid bonds with the people in our lives. God created us to be attached to others. Attachments will help you face the truth about who you are and gently modify your relational style at the same time. By doing so, you will enjoy a deeper, more fulfilling life with others, and with God. Learn more here
God Attachment by Tim Clinton and Joshua Straub Why has the
”When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart.”
human race, the world over, been so fascinated with . . . some might say obsessed with . . . God? This built-in attachment to God crosses religious, political, ethnic, cultural, and generational barriers. Drs. Clinton and Straub reveal fascinating research about this worldwide phenomenon. From avoidant, anxious, and fearful to secure and personal, the range of responses to our internal attachment to God has a profound influence on the way we do relationships, intimacy, and life choices. With helpful selfassessments, intriguing questions, and surprising revelations, this book moves from worldwide statistics to personal challenge, offering the means to become securely attached to God in a way that can have positive effects on our attitudes, approach to life, and overall life satisfaction. Learn more here
—Henri Nouwen The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen This is Henri Nouwen's "secret journal." It was written during the most difficult period of his life, when he suddenly lost his self-esteem, his energy to live and work, his sense of being loved, even his hope in God. Although he experienced excruciating anguish and despair, he was still able to keep a journal in which he wrote each day a spiritual imperative to himself, which emerged from his conversations with friends and supporters. Learn more here
Conversion: From Loneliness to Relationship CD series by Don Bisson Bisson shares a deep understanding of the needs of individuals to be meaningfully attached to others and to God and brings insight into our confusion about loneliness, isolation, solitude, connection, and enmeshment. He provides a clear picture of what it looks like to embrace healthy community and still maintain appropriate solitude and discusses how our relationship with God fits into that picture. Order it here
Page 19
Free to Thrive Luminous Links (cont)
The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner In contrast to other books filled with drive-through pop psychology and sound-bite spirituality, Benner, a psychologist and spiritual director, offers an impressively deep and challenging introduction to selfdiscovery---a clear and practical outline for knowing God and ourselves in an authentic way. Learn more here
“Don’t expect yourself to do it perfectly... Instead, expect to make plenty of mistakes and be loved and forgiven in the midst of your learning process.” —Misa Leonessa
Misa Leonessa 6350 Wright St Felton, Ca 95018 Phone: 5831 335-1265 E-mail: inspire@misacoach.co
Do you desire to live from your authentic self and have stronger, healthier, more intimate relationships? Are you ready to be inspired by your future rather than driven by your past and thrive in the midst of life's challenges? As a transformation specialist, I work with individuals highly motivated to work towards greater relational, emotional and spiritual wholeness. As a master coach and spiritual director, I help you overcome what holds you back from moving into the thriving life you know is within you. Are you ready to thrive?
Find me on the web: www.misacoach.com
Be free to thrive!