What Do I Do When...?

Education / Discipline

How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom “This book exemplifies the values essential to positive, healthy human interaction. The practice of these values facilitates the development of healthy human beings.”

—Kaiya Rahm, PORT of Olmsted County, Rochester, MN

Understanding the basic needs that drive student misbehavior is key to identifying effective strategies for prevention and intervention. This follow-up to the popular book Discipline With Dignity (by Richard L. Curwin and Allen N. Mendler) summarizes key methods and describes some new approaches for responding to students’ difficult behavior. It answers many “What do I do when...?” questions about how the Discipline With Dignity approach can be applied in different situations. What Do I Do When . . . ? examines: • The motivation behind misbehavior • How to deal with power struggles • The principles of effective discipline • Unconventional methods of • Effective methods of discipline in discipline the classroom Educators will also learn effective strategies for working with parents and impacting schoolwide discipline.

Allen N. Mendler, Ph.D., is an educator, school psychologist, and internationally known presenter on the topics of discipline and effective behavior management. He has worked extensively on developing strategies for educators to help challenging students succeed. His Discipline With Dignity program is the official discipline program for New York State United Teachers and has been

introduced to more than 100,000 educators throughout North America, Israel, Europe, and Japan. Dr. Mendler is also the author of Discipline With Dignity for Challenging Youth (with Richard L. Curwin), MORE What Do I Do When . . . ?, Motivating Students Who Don’t Care, and Power Struggles. His articles have appeared in Educational Leadership, Family Life Educator, and Parenting.

www.solution-tree.com Cover art and design by Grannan Design Ltd.

How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom

“This book is wonderful! The more I read, the better I liked it. Mendler brings mental magic back into the ‘business’ of dealing with kids. Superb!”

—Patricia Dignan, Assistant Superintendent, Milan Area Schools, Milan, MI

Copyright Š 1992, 2007 by Solution Tree (formerly National Educational Service) 555 North Morton Street Bloomington, Indiana 47404 (812) 336-7700 (800) 733-6786 (toll-free) FAX: (812) 336-7790 email: info@solution-tree.com www.solution-tree.com

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction of this book in whole or in part in any form.

Cover design by Grannan Design, Ltd.

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN 978-1-934009-07-9

Contents About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 Chapter 1: What Motivates Misbehavior? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Basic Needs That Motivate Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Capable/Successful . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8 Caring/Belonging . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Power/Control . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Generosity/Helping . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Stimulation/Fun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Basic-Needs Activity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Chapter 2: Principles of Effective Discipline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

Principles and Guidelines for Effective Discipline . . . . . . . . . 32 Use Long-Term Behavior Changes Instead of Short-Term Quick Fixes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32 Stop Doing Ineffective Things . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 Be Fair and Don’t Always Treat Everyone the Same . . . . . 39 Make Sure Rules Make Sense . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42

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Model What You Expect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Show That Responsibility Is More Important Than Obedience . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Always Treat Students With Dignity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51 Criteria for Using a Discipline Method . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Chapter 3: The Process of Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55

The Prevention Dimension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 The Action Dimension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 The Resolution Dimension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 59 Chapter 4: Effective Methods of Discipline in the Classroom . . . . 61

Generate a Spirit of Cooperation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Build a Solid Foundation of Principles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 62 Enforce Clear and Specific Rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64 Involve Students as Rule-Makers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 Students Develop Rules for the Teacher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 68 Students Develop Rules for Each Other . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 69 Students Vote on Negotiable Rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Teacher Defines the Principles and Students Develop the Rules . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70 Use Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 Natural/Logical Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72 Conventional Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74 Generic Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74 Instructional Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Test for Comprehension . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 Chapter 5: Dealing With Power Struggles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

Step 1: Ignore “Hooks� . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Step 2: Actively Listen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89 Step 3: Avoid Agreeing or Disagreeing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 Step 4: Acknowledge the Power Struggle . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 Step 5: Remove the Student From Class . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 Step 6: Invoke the Insubordination Clause . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 viii

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Step 7: Give a Reminder of Consequences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 Step 8: Resolve Differences Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91 Mediating Power Struggles Between Students . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97 Chapter 6: Unconventional Methods of Discipline . . . . . . . . . . 107

Mentoring . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108 Encourage the Positive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111 Change the Label . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 Use Satiation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116 Behave Paradoxically . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 Encourage an Alternative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 Special Communication Strategies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 I-Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 Negotiation Openers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124 Supportive Statements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Pets in the Classroom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126 Challenge Kids to Find Their Dignity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Refuse to Reject the Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Highlight the Choices in Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 The Tough Bottom Line . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131 Chapter 7: Working With Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141

Issues That Discourage Parental Involvement . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Overwhelmed Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 Academically Unsuccessful Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142 Parents With Inadequate Parenting Skills . . . . . . . . . . . . 142 Personally Preoccupied Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 Parents Underinvolved in School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 School Practices That Encourage Positive Parental Involvement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 144 Make Your Classroom and School a Welcoming Place . . 144 Seek Parent Input for Decision-Making . . . . . . . . . . . . . 145 Encourage Parent Visibility at School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Involve Parents and Grandparents as Volunteers . . . . . . 147 Solution Tree

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Provide Frequent and Ongoing Feedback . . . . . . . . . . . . 148 Connect With Community Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149 Chapter 8: Schoolwide Discipline . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151

Creating the Plan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 Define a Focus for the Problem(s) to Be Solved . . . . . . . 153 Prioritize the Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154 Generate Possible Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154 Present Possible Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154 Assess the Proposed Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 Agree on Solutions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 155 Real-Life Models . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156 Valley View School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156 Pepper Tree Elementary School . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160 Chapter 9: Concluding Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171 Bibliography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175

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About the Author Allen Mendler, Ph.D., is an educator, school psychologist, and the

parent of three children. He has worked extensively with children of all ages, with an emphasis on developing strategies for educators and youth professionals to help challenging students succeed. As one of the internationally recognized authors of Discipline With Dignity, Dr. Mendler has given thousands of workshops throughout the United States and internationally and is highly acclaimed as a keynote speaker and presenter for numerous educational organizations. Dr. Mendler is the author or coauthor of several books, including As Tough As Necessary, What Do I Do When . . . ? How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom, and Power Struggles: Successful Techniques for Educators. His articles have appeared in many journals, including Educational Leadership, Parenting, and Reaching Today’s Youth. He lives with his family in Rochester, New York.

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Introduction In the book Discipline With Dignity, Rick Curwin and I sought to provide educators with the information needed to deal both effectively and humanely with children. Our focus was to show how the enhancement and preservation of a child’s dignity are always essential. We highlighted the differences between consequences and punishments; showed the relationships among stress, motivation, teaching methods, and discipline problems; offered alternatives to lose-lose power struggles; and attempted to address ways of effectively engaging the difficult-to-reach learner who acts out frequently. The response to our work has been extremely gratifying and has given us many opportunities to help educators and schools create and implement Discipline With Dignity programs throughout the nation.

This book reviews and updates the principles upon which Discipline With Dignity is founded. It summarizes the key methods and describes some new approaches to difficult behavior. It answers many “What do I do when . . . ?” questions about how the program can be applied in different situations.

When I was in third grade, my teacher took exception to something I had done. All I can really remember is this big person coming Solution Tree

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at me angrily, pinching me up by my cheek, and scolding me while hauling me to the front of the room. I can still feel the humiliation, embarrassment, and hatred to this day. Mrs. McLean robbed me of my dignity that day, and I still have not forgiven her. There is little else I remember about grade school other than how my teachers treated me.

Schools and teachers still largely rely on some variation of Mrs. McLean’s punitive obedience model of discipline, which says, “Do it my way or else!” Behavior modification techniques are essentially sophisticated ways of manipulating others to do as we wish. The authority either rewards or punishes the behavior he or she wants to “shape.” Unfortunately, in all such programs, children are unlikely to internalize the values that underlie the desired behaviors. In the best-case scenario, students act appropriately in the presence of the rewarder/punisher. They become dependent upon others to tell them what to do and how well they did it. Rarely do these programs teach children to become responsible for what they do and for what kind of people they are.

Most children who grow up to become teachers were not discipline problems in school. Most were taught to respect authority whether right or wrong. Since teachers were to be respected, they were imbued with power, and even those who were mean and uncaring were listened to for fear of retribution or punishment. Those who did not obey were often publicly scorned and held up for daily ridicule. I will never forget “Stackler,” a skinny, forgetful, disorganized classmate in fourth grade who seemed to be the object of daily verbal abuse by the teacher. As I watched him endure his daily torture, I remember learning to keep my mouth shut, pay attention, and take absolutely no risks in that class. Since many of us grew up obeying, we tend to expect the same from kids nowadays. When they do not do as we want, we tend to feel helpless, and then we become more punitive, figuring that we have to get tough with the kids in order for them to obey. Many of us become a current version of Mrs. McLean.

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Introduction

The tougher we get, the more resistant our at-risk students become.

Exasperated, we seek help from parents or administrators. When they do not cure the child of his or her disobedience, we get mad. After about 10 years, many of us have trouble getting out of bed in the morning with any energy to keep going. Some turn the anger against themselves and become depressed, while others become cynical, critical, and dehumanizing for self-protection.

What we must realize is that, while obedience models of discipline always had a down side, in today’s world they simply no longer work. The only kids who behave as a result of obedience methods are those who have respect for or fear authority. And most of them will eventually stop obeying unless they feel respected by those in authority. Kids who lack respect for authority find no reason to behave just because the teacher says that they should.

The problem is that many of us do not know specific ways to replace our obedience methods. The frustration is shared by John Mackovic, a football coach at the University of Illinois, who has said that, years ago, a coach could invariably seek compliance by eyeballing a player and exclaiming: “Go over and stand in the corner!”

But with increasing numbers of kids not automatically respecting or fearing the coach, Mackovic proceeds to offer alternatives, none of which is particularly effective: “Please stand in the corner.”

“How about if you went over and stood in the corner.”

“How about us talking about you standing in the corner.”

“Why don’t I go over and stand in the corner for you!”

We must realize that, in our culture, most of us no longer respect others just because of their title or role. It is rare to find citizens who unfailingly respect their politicians. Even religious leaders are suspect following recent scandals. Nowadays, to be successful in a position of Solution Tree

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authority requires an ability to connect in a caring way by inspiring hope within others and by leading one’s own life in a manner that models the message. We live in turbulent times in which there are few norms. The existence of a multicultural milieu, with children being raised in every imaginable family structure, requires that the contemporary teacher have an almost incomprehensible mix of firmness, love, patience, understanding, and flexibility. Never has it been more urgent that we understand the basic needs that motivate children’s behavior so that our styles and strategies may adequately address the diversity that is today’s norm.

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Education / Discipline

How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom “This book exemplifies the values essential to positive, healthy human interaction. The practice of these values facilitates the development of healthy human beings.”

—Kaiya Rahm, PORT of Olmsted County, Rochester, MN

Understanding the basic needs that drive student misbehavior is key to identifying effective strategies for prevention and intervention. This follow-up to the popular book Discipline With Dignity (by Richard L. Curwin and Allen N. Mendler) summarizes key methods and describes some new approaches for responding to students’ difficult behavior. It answers many “What do I do when...?” questions about how the Discipline With Dignity approach can be applied in different situations. What Do I Do When . . . ? examines: • The motivation behind misbehavior • How to deal with power struggles • The principles of effective discipline • Unconventional methods of • Effective methods of discipline in discipline the classroom Educators will also learn effective strategies for working with parents and impacting schoolwide discipline.

Allen N. Mendler, Ph.D., is an educator, school psychologist, and internationally known presenter on the topics of discipline and effective behavior management. He has worked extensively on developing strategies for educators to help challenging students succeed. His Discipline With Dignity program is the official discipline program for New York State United Teachers and has been

introduced to more than 100,000 educators throughout North America, Israel, Europe, and Japan. Dr. Mendler is also the author of Discipline With Dignity for Challenging Youth (with Richard L. Curwin), MORE What Do I Do When . . . ?, Motivating Students Who Don’t Care, and Power Struggles. His articles have appeared in Educational Leadership, Family Life Educator, and Parenting.

www.solution-tree.com Cover art and design by Grannan Design Ltd.

How to Achieve Discipline With Dignity in the Classroom

“This book is wonderful! The more I read, the better I liked it. Mendler brings mental magic back into the ‘business’ of dealing with kids. Superb!”

—Patricia Dignan, Assistant Superintendent, Milan Area Schools, Milan, MI