Editor's Forum: Fitting in the Family

Fitting in the Family

The debate over work-life balance isn’t really a debate at all.

The midday sun was finally finished baking the wide streets, and it slowly slunk off west to take its rest behind low buildings and distant hills, trailing a cape of brilliant orange and dark yellow hues. We walked through the promenade of outdoor boutique stores, most of which specialized in clothing and high-end trinkets for tourists. Naked vintage bulbs on thin wires winked on above our heads, creating a criss-cross pattern across the open square. They were more decoration that function; their modern LED cousins, on poles stood back from the square, carried the brunt of lighting duty.

I had come here to visit my mentor, an accomplished person who saw more in me that I saw in myself at the time. We had spent the day visiting start-ups related to an upcoming project. Regardless of the outcome, he thought I would be something special. I was starting to believe him. It was at that moment, there in this outside space that presented the ultimate vision of success as if I was walking though the production of a Broadway play, that he said something to me that I would never forget:

“Solomon, when you’re on your way to becoming successful, don’t make the mistakes I did.”

He then preceded to recount stories I had heard before: About the divorce from his first wife. The strained relationships with his grown children. The new children who grew up more under the influence of others than his own. The temptations that follow in the wake of prosperity. I had previously only thought of these and typical life experiences, and only then did I put the whole picture together as these experiences being the other side of his success.

I was able to contrast his story with those of others who, on the outside, live a stable life with family, but internally feel unfulfilled because of chances not taken, opportunities overlooked. In both cases I derived the same lesson: A life lived unbalanced will ultimately balance itself, measuring out equal parts of fulfillment or regret to what has been experienced.

The Battle of Obligations

Achieving a balance between fulfillment from action and fulfillment from obligation is an old story told many times over. In a way you can say it’s the ultimate success. It was recently a topic in our own industry, relayed to me by a valued friend in Jon Kowanetz. A discussion on Facebook argued the merits of “grinding” – going all out and dedicating everything to work – against “anti-grinding,” which in this context referred to giving a personal life an equal or slightly advantageous place over work.

Let’s set some context. For us, the controversy is usually broken down into the simplistic terms of work time versus family time. Both of these are obligations. (Incidentally, the word ‘obligation’ can have a negative connotation, but in this context simply means something or someone you have made a commitment to. That said, telling my wife, “You’re the best obligation ever” will get me remanded to the couch.)

“Solomon, when you’re on your way to becoming successful, don’t make the mistakes I did. ”

The work / life balance is a delicate dance undertaken by the partners (spouses or significant others) while maintaining a solid footing for dependents and obligations. As with any dance, the two must be in sync. If one steps a certain way, the other must complement. But if one of the participants goes off on a solo routine, it leaves the other out of rhythm and struggling to uphold or maintain family life for dependents and obligations.

But let’s get one thing straight: The debate over grind versus anti-grind is not really a debate of one over the other. Everyone wants to achieve a work-life balance. It’s just that the idea of balance may be different for each of the participants. Or, it could be that one or both participants is dancing to their own music and don’t realize it. And only later, when things are broken beyond repair, do they realize their error.

The Grind is Real

I have a tattoo on my right forearm that has become a conversation starter on several occasions. It consists of a series of tally marks denoting the number five. Depending on the company I’m keeping at the time, I’ve gotten guesses to its meaning from years in prison to ex-wives, and even once, the number of people I’ve off-ed. The truth always takes the guessers by surprise. It represents my experience points; the times that I’ve started a business. The first four, for one reason or another, didn’t work out. Still, they unearthed a wealth of experience of what to do and not do, which I carried into the following venture. These are the times I’ve put all my energy into building something; when I’ve given in to the grind over all.

So I can speak from experience when I say this: If you ever want to realize any significant level of success in your life—whether it’s career, sports or relationships— you HAVE to be willing to put everything else aside. The effort you put into your goal needs to be your priority. If you take on an objective and only apply 50 percent effort, you’re never going to reach the point at which the effort starts to become self-sustaining. There is no substitute for hard work.

So then how do you get to balance if supreme focus is a necessity? By looking at balance a different way. Balance is Bigger Than Just You Let’s say two people have eight hours to perform two tasks. One person switches between tasks every 15 minutes. The other works the first four hours on one task, and the final four hours on the other. At the end of eight hours, both have spent four hours on each task; just in different ways.

Now think of these two tasks as work and family time. Each of these approaches—short intervals and longer intervals—is appropriate for different situations. If you are starting a new job, opening a business, adding a significant new category to your company, you need to spend a longer period of work time at the outset. Eventually, once things are running efficiently, you resort to shorter intervals.

But here is where a lot of entrepreneurs and go-getters get lost when it comes to relationships: they think this equation applies only to them. Simply put, if you have to spend 12-15 hours a day at work, you can’t then spend 12-15 hours on family time. The math doesn’t work.

“Time with children should not be taken for granted. If necessary, go home to spend time between after school and bedtime, then head back to work. ”

Balance in a relationship involves both parties. If you’re spending an extra 4-6 hours a day at work, your partner is balancing that out by spending an equal extra amount on family time to compensate, whether they agreed to it or not. And if they didn’t agree, or if they feel like you are taking advantage of the situation, that’s when stress builds within the relationship.

The One-Word Cure-All

If this is a situation you are currently dealing with, first know that it’s no one’s fault; this is how life works. Second, decide that any action you take regarding this situation should be directed at fixing it.

Now, here’s the one word that will fix it, or prevent this from happening in the first place: Communicate.

Committed relationships mean that what affects one affects the other. It then follows that big decisions need to have approval from both partners. So let’s take a time-at-work situation. You need to put in extra hours building cars for an upcoming tradeshow.

What You Don’t Do (though this is what most of us do): Tell your partner and take the attitude that they just have to understand because it’s work.

What You Should Do: Set aside specific time with your partner to make a plan for the upcoming time crunch. Here are elements that should be part of your conversation:

• The plan and time limit. In order to have true balance, there needs to be a time limit when one partner is taking on additional work. It can be “until the show is over” or “month’s end” or “when we reach our quota for the quarter.” The main point is that you agree on a start and end.

• Your partner’s priorities. Make sure you consider the commitments your partner has made throughout the time period as well, and work to accommodate them.

• The breaks. Unless you’ll be out of touch for the duration, plan short breaks in which you can spend time together. It can be a movie, family take-out night or coming home to watch your favorite show together.

• What’s off limits. There are certain things that trump even work obligations, such as a child’s championship game or school play. Work it out so you will be there for those moments.

• The work-arounds. Time with children should not be taken for granted. If necessary, go home to spend time between after school and bedtime, then head back to work.

• Home time. When you are home, even for a short time, be home. Don’t take calls or bring work into the house.

• Most important: the Buy-In. Both parties must understand and agree to their roles in the balance.

Oh, and one more thing: communicate some more. Check in with each other during the process. Life is dynamic rather than static, so things will come up that may cause you to adjust.

I’ll leave you with one more related experience; when I was able to pass on the advice I had received. A co-worker, whose wife was pregnant, mentioned she was going in for her first prenatal appointment. “Why aren’t you with her?” I asked. “Aaah, she can handle those. It’s just the doctor checking up on her. Besides I gotta finish this.” He waved a lackadaisical hand in the direction of the stack of papers on his desk.

I looked at him and said six words. “You’re making your memories. Right now.”

He got up and went to his car.