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Mobscene 3586 London Bridge Rd. Lake Havasu City, AZ. 86405 (928) 453-0954 www.mobscenemagazine.com Publisher Tyler Byrne Executive Editor Nicole Rodarte Co-Editor /Writer John Kissinger Chief Financial Officer Rebecca Rodarte Distribution Coordinator Walter Byrne Graphics / Layout EyeSore Graphics Legal Disclaimer The content in this magazine is for the entertainment purposes only. Advertisers are responsible for their ads placed in this magazine. Mobscene Magazine is not responsible for any actions taken by their readers. We may occasionally use images/content placed in public domain. Sometimes, it is not possible to identify and or contact the copyright holder. If you claim ownership of something we have published, we will gladly make proper acknowledgement. Mobscene Magazine may not share opinions and or views stated by the writers and or photographers. Some of the content published may be of a mature nature; we do not, in anyway, condone under age drinking or any other illegal activity.
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Red hot pick-up lines
HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING STRAIGHT FROM OUR OWN PRIVATE COLLECTION ASSEMBLED FROM YEARS OF HEARING ALL THE BULLS**T WE BRING THE BEST TO YOU!
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the official booty Call contract
HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING THOSE RULES FOR CASUAL SEX DOWN... WE’VE PUT THEM IN WRITING SO YOU CAN CONCENTRATE ON THE FUN PART!
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wacko jacko
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only skin deep
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tribute to a bad mutha f**ka
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH MICHAEL JACKSON? HERE IS SOME JOKES TO HELP YOU GET PAST THE DISTURBING TRUTH
ALWAYS THOUGHT THOSE CELEBRITY CHICKS ARE JUST NATURALLY HOT? GUESS AGAIN... GIRLS THIS ONES FOR YOU!
POURIN’ OUT A LITTLE FOR A DEAD HOMIE, OUR TRIBUTE TO THE GREAT HUTER S. THOMPSON AKA “DR. GONZO”
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You’ve been mobbed!
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bar directory
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event calender
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Music/game reviews
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horoscopes
WE’VE HIRED LOCAL FAVORITE LOLA TO FIND THE RIDES THAT DESERVE OUR ATTENTION AND HOOK THEM UP MOBSCENE STYLE
LOOKING FOR A SPOT TO WET YOUR WHISTLE OR TAKE IN SOME OF THE LOCAL FLAVOR? LOOK HERE FOR THE BEST PLACES TO GO!
WE LIST THE BEST EVENTS HAPPENING ON THE RIVER AND ITS ALL AT YOUR FINGERTIPS
WERE LAYIN DOWN WHAT YOU SHOULD BE BANGIN’ IN YOUR RIDE. GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER WE’RE TALKING ABOUT MUSIC
CAN’T MAKE A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO THIS MONTH... NOT TO FEAR MOBSCENE WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
Bizness Spotlight
MOBSCENE IS FINDING YOU THE PHATEST PLACE ON THE RIVER TO SPEND YOUR MONEY
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Who let these guys in?
MOBSCENE BRINGS DOWN THE HOUSE AT KOKOMO WITH SOME OF VEGAS’ BEST COMEDY HEADLINERS
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havasu hottie
KRIS BECOMES THE LATEST OF THE NOW INFAMOUS MODELS TO GRACE OUR PAGES BRINGING HER OWN BRAND OF EDGINESS TO THE SCENE.
In our ongoing search to help our readers get laid; we’ve dugged up some of the best pick up lines guaranteed to get you LUCKY... Well at least it will get you to say something instead of standing there gawking at them like some weird pervert! Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours? Would you like to go home for a pizza and some sex?....{slap}...what? you don’t like pizza? That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were that shirt I would be cumming on you too. F@#k me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen? (Gesture for person to come over) I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?
Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. “So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes...” (Hold up first two fingers on one hand) Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate? No, why? Because they’re mine. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
sounds only a dog could hear. If I gave you a negligee for your birthday, would there be anything in it for me? I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.
You’re too sweet and innocent. Here, let me help you get rid of some of it.
Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
I’d crawl on my hands and knees over broken glass to hear you fart through a walkie-talkie.
If you’ve lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Hey, I may not be Fred Filnstone but I could make your bed rock. With one touch I could make you make
Do you want to go halves on a bastard? I can’t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
Close your eyes... Take a deep breath... Clear your mind... and let those little voices you, your doctor and the prozac try to silence, guide your finger to you destined number. You will find your answer on page 10.
BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the “Agreement”) is entered into on the _____day of__________,
2005 , by_______________________, between ____________and______________.
THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES: 1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning. 2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening. 3. No calls before 9 PM - we really don’t have anything to talk about. 4. None of that “lovemaking” crap - only raw sex allowed. 5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don’t ask. 6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the “backup,” unless you are from out-oftown, then, it’s only a one-time advanced arrangement. 7. All gifts accepted - money is always good. 8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged. 9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it’s really none of your damn business. 10. No calling each other “friends with privileges”, “friends with benefits”, we are not friends, just screw buddies. 11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don’t be offended. 12. No extra clothing - I don’t want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave. 13. No falling asleep right after sex - it’s over, so get your ass up, get dressed, and go home. 14. Don’t be offended if I don’t ask if you enjoyed it - I don’t care. 15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason. 16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: “My roommate’s girlfriend/boyfriend.” 17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better. 18. NO condoms, NO SEX. Carry your ass home. 19. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store. 20. No phone use, please - don’t want anyone calling back looking for your ass. 21. If going to a hotel room, we either split the cost, or alternate who’s, paying....you pay this time, I pay next. 22. Don’t bring any of your friends with you, unless they’re gonna join the party. * EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.
Participating Party Signature______________________________________ Date: ________________ Participating Party Signature______________________________________ Date: ________________
Micheal Jackson had it all but the one time “King of Pop” is now just some type of freak. So sit back and laugh at the King who looks more like a fool! Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning? He ate a nine year old wiener! What do Michael Jackson and an xbox have in common? Both get turned on by kids!!! Why did Michael Jackson go to K Mart? He heard they had small boys pants half off. Did you hear about the new McDonalds McJackson sandwich? It’s a 35 year old slab of meat between two 12 year old buns. Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boyfriends? Because there are twenty of them! What’s black and white and comes in little cans? Michael Jackson. Have you seen the new Michael Jackson candy bar? It’s white chocolate with no nuts.... (but kids like it) How do you know when it’s bedtime at the Jackson residence? When the big hand touches the little hand... What’s the difference between a plastic grocery bag and Michael Jackson? Well, one’s an artificial piece of trash that can harm little children, and the other is used to hold groceries. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re about fifteen. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
Ever wish you could look as hot as celebrities do? Or maybe you’re a guy who wants to wake up to a superstar? Well, they probably don’t look as good as you think. Perfect images of perfect celebrities are everywhere. The media sets up impossible comparisons. Whether you’re watching sitcoms or music videos or looking through magazines, the images you’re seeing are airbrushed and enhanced, research shows that the more time women spend with image-based media, the worse they feel about themselves. We here at Mobscene feel it is our duty to our readers to reveal the truth and show that superstars are really just as ugly as we are. So grab a six-pack, a couple greasy cheeseburgers, a pack of smokes, and have at it. Cuz, without the money to afford a personal trainer, professional makeup artist, or a designer wardrobe you’ll never look like that celebrity you see on the TV. As for the guys... I’ll bet you your chick don’t look half bad right now!
If you’ve ever craved a tall glass of booze and a cigarette to enjoy while working, fantasized about telling your boss to go ***k himself, or have woken up with the burning desire to blow something up with gun powder while ingesting multiple chemical substances, you need to familiarize yourself with the Good Doctor, the late Hunter S. Thompson, who was known to do all three at once; usually on a daily basis, all while producing some of the most profound literary works of our generation. Known by a younger generation recently when his drug addled description of a writing assignment, “Fear And Loathing in Las Vegas”, was made into a major motion picture starring everyone’s favorite heartthrob/rockstar wannabe Johnny Depp; Hunter made a name for himself in the early ‘70’s as the first political analyst for Rolling Stone magazine. -Why you should take a moment, pick up one of his books, a bottle/line/bag of your favorite vice and forget you hate to read: *Almost everything he ever wrote was under the influence of sex, drugs, rock n’ roll & extreme genius. *He kicked it with, impressed, & scared the shit out of the people you hate & admire the most, including Marilyn Manson, Keith Richards, Richard Nixon, Jack Nicholson, Bill Clinton & Johnny Knoxville. *You don’t need to be a bookworm/geek to understand his writing, cause’ all his stuff sounds like the drunk & hilarious ramblings of that crazy but smart uncle you have that makes you look forward to family functions. Gonzo, (Hunter’s trademark), was a term
coined in the ‘70’s to describe not only Hunter’s outrageous behavior, but also his total disinterest in authority or rules of any kind when it came to his journalistic style. When told by an editor he needed to kick back with the gonzo nonsense before he ruined himself, Hunter responded by producing a hit of acid from his wallet, swallowing it & walking out on the conversation. He was crazy, addicted, and brilliant, but even though he showed up for assignments armed with alcohol, drugs & all sorts or assorted weaponry, he always reported back with what the nation needed to hear in a time of lies and conspiracy ( The Nixon Years): the truth. Unfortunately, the truly talented folk on this planet never get their props til’ it’s time to pour some liquor out for ‘em, and it’s definitely true in this case. One of the traits we respected most about Hunter was his apprehension at losing his game, and as of late, he was experiencing major physical issues that hindered his pimp status. Dr. T. would have none of this, and repeatedly informed his family that when it was time, he would handle his business. R.I.P. DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON 1937-2005 To wildman, brilliant writer, founder of “Gonzo Journalism”, and our Papa: We say thanx for the rush. Yr. Humble followers, Mobscene Magazine
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As you Mobkids know, Mobscene is always bringin’ the sexy to the river, & this past Mobscene Nite @ Kokomo was no exception! We used our “connects” to grab some of the hottest comics in Vegas to grace our waterfront stage during Spring Break & the result was off the chain! Hot off the Strip, comedian Benny Baker came through with some crazy, off-the-wall-laugh-out-loud stuff, not afraid to keep it real & scare the kiddies wit’ a little politics & an even scarier hairdo. Tha’ Bennster was sweet enough to round out our fun filled affair with his homey Shuli The Shy Jew, (hilarious & a cutie pie!) and Jamie “ Maddog” Mattern, the irreverent up & comin’ with funny-ass ethnic identification issues. If you missed the show... Not to worry. Benny and Shuli are breakin out a new comedy run at the Plaza in Vegas, starting April 16 and running nightly Saturday thru Wednesday. For info call (702) 386-2110
1.) Your ghetto investment plan finally pays off and you win the lottery. Your king of the hood! Unfortunately, you rekindle your love affair with crack. You’re broke by Thursday 2.)You sober up and get your life together. You find god, join a cult, and become a sidekick to an alien priest. 3.) You discover your religion is really just a pyramid scam and trade in your spirituality for a dry martini. Where art thou olives? 4.) You come home to find your wife of ten years, mounted on “bob” from the lodge. Suicide is not an option because you pawned your handgun for her anniversary gift. You opt for alimony and Jim Beam. 5.) After 25 years of working your way up the corporate ladder, you have secured your career in mid-level management. Your new nickname at the office is “stale”. You spend your evenings watching Mork and Mindy with Capt. Morgan. It doesn’t get any better than this!!! 6.) You drop dead of a heart attack while accepting the “Mr. Fitness” award. Meanwhile your chain smoking, bastard, co-worker “Bill”, lives on another 50 years. 7.) You find that your only friends are at the ends of your arms. You talk to yourself but your not listening anymore. You take up sex to relieve your redundancy. A partner would enhance the experience for you. 8.) Grow a mane like a lion, in the footsteps of your brothers and cousins and all the rockers before you. No matter how much money you got or ain’t got, it don’t cost a penny to grow your hair long and walk like a man. Long hair automatically tells people that you mean business; especially when you’re ten years old.
For Sale: Can’t afford to maintain anymore... Going to school. High mileage, worn out interior, loud, lots of modifications, used to be fun but now its boring, not very reliable, but stands up to a beating, test drivers welcome... Best offer. Call Jon @ (411)1220039, or if you want the car call (411)154-0019
Patty’s Wild Hair, located in the Agave Retail Plaza, is the place in Havasu to get your rockstar on! Patty Bell, owner & Master Stylist, brings to the Channel incredible style, energy & an amazing story! Making the ballsy choice to follow her dreams of hooking up Havasu with some sexy style, Patty left a solid position as a court reporter to open Patty’s Wild Hair. Starting out with a modest one station spot in Shambles Village, Patty’s flavor caught on quick & in November, 2003 she opened Wild Wear Clothing, a hot apparel store in the heart of the Channel. Here’s the pimp part: Patty doing hair, and after only 8 weeks of rehab, Patty suffered a stroke opened Havasu Wild Sole, where she sold the barely a month later, latest & greatest in shoes & accessories. suffering a total loss Well, Patty’s magic hands are back in full effect, of movement on her & Patty’s Wild Hair is here to stay, smack dab entire left side. Unable on the always happenin’ waterfront, offering not to continue only the hottest in hair care and services, but also the most rockin’ in river fashion, including Bitch Active Wear & Playboy Clothing, Shoes & Accessories.
Each month, Mobscene’s own “Lola the Pimp” will be rollin’ the streets of the LHC in search of the funky, the broke, and straight beat down. Our monthly winner will be the proud recipient of a grip of official Mobscene gear and a FREE car wash by “Dynamic Detail” to bling out your hooptie ass ride. So keep your eyes peeled, cause Lola’s on the creep! Don’t get it twisted though kiddies. Lola picked this month’s Mob Ride on pure pimpness. Somethings never go out of style, and it’s always hip to be square! If this is your ride... Holla at us and pick up your prizes. (928) 453-0954
River HotSpots HAVASU
B J’s Tavern 2122 Mc Culloch Blvd N (928) 854-2122 Barley Brothers Brewery 1425 McCulloch Blvd N (928) 505-7837 Big John’s Steak’n Pub 717 Lake Havasu Ave N (928) 453-5858 Bridgewater Cafe 1477 Queens Bay (928) 855-0888 Casa Serrano 150 Swanson Ave (928) 854-5500 Desert Martini 2120 McCulloch Blvd N (928) 855-1818 Frigate Resturant & Lounge 350 London Bridge Rd (928) 453-9907 Fire House 66 Capri Blvd (928) 505-5224 Kokomo 1477 Queens Bay (928) 855-0888 Mad Dogs Bar & Grill 2048 McCulloch Blvd N (928) 505-5253 McKee’s Pub & Grill 2112 McCulloch Blvd N (928) 453-8400 Nancy’s Ice House 2061 Swanson Ave (928) 855-8581 Pour House Restaurant & Lounge 2093 McCulloch Blvd N (928) 680-0063 Red Room 1519 Queens Bay (928) 505-7226 Rumours Pub & Eatery 34 Scott Dr. (928) 854-1404
Shooters 1515 Marlbro Dr (928) 680-6076 The Office 2180 Acoma Blvd W (928) 855-9583
PARKER
Hogans 10172 Riverside Dr (928) 667-4299 Roadrunner Floating Bar 7000 Riverside Dr (928) 667-4252 Stroke’s bar & Grill 8010 Riverside Dr (928) 667-2366
Bullhead
Bars & Cars 1331 Baseline Rd (928) 704-2277 Cocktails 3935 Highway 95 (928) 758-4955
Laughlin
Hideout 2311 S Casino Dr (702) 299-0008 Tarzan’s Lounge 2300 S Casino Dr (702) 298-7111
Are we missing your Bar/Club or event? Call: 928-453-0954
DJ Unique (Nancy’s Ice House)
DJ Unique (Nancy’s Ice House) Ridin’ The River Poker Run (Nautical Inn)
Ladies Night w/ Drink Specials (Nancy’s Ice House)
Motorhead (House of Blues LV)
Pirate (Nancy’s Ice House) If All Else Fails (Havasu Underground) Lonesome Dick (Gallagher’s) Skin Break (Nautical Inn) 8th-10th
Dead Kennedys w/ Last Rites (House of Blues LV)
Breaking Benjamin, Theory of a Deadman & the Exies (Mandalay Bay)
Defiance (havasu Underground)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
23rd ANNUAL LAUGHLIN RIVER RUN Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Getaway Gunner (Big Rig Dollhouse -KNG) Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Havasu Idol Karaoke Contest Premire (Nancy’ Ice House) Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Love Hate Hero w/ The Valentine (Havasu Underground) Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
The Smashists (Havasu Underground)
KC & the Sunshine Band (House of Blues LV)
The Killers (Hard Rock Hotel)
Survivor (cannery Casino LV.)
AUDIOSLAVE (Hard Rock Hotel)
DJ Unique 15th & 16th (Nancy’s Ice House)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
23rd ANNUAL LAUGHLIN RIVER RUN Ladies Night w/ Drink Specials (Nancy’s Ice House) Getaway Gunner (Big Rig Dollhouse -KNG) also playing 22nd
DESERT STORM POKER RUN (Nautical Inn)
23rd ANNUAL LAUGHLIN RIVER RUN
Pirate (Nancy’s Ice House)
U2’s ‘Vertigo’ Tour (Glendale Arena)
Ladies Night w/ Drink Specials (Nancy’s Ice House) Soul Clown (Havasu Underground) W/ Hemlock
Sevendust w/ Skindred (House of Blues LV)
Joe Satriani (House of Blues LV)
23rd ANNUAL LAUGHLIN RIVER RUN Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (House of Blues LV.)
Kottonmouth Kings (House of Blues LV.)
John Kay & Steppenwolf (Silverton Hotel & Casino)
Benny Baker “Hellbent 4 Comedy” (Plaza Hotel / LV)
Level 5 (Nancy’s Ice House) DESERT STORM POKER RUN (Nautical Inn)
Steve Vai (House of Blues LV.)
Coldplay (Hard Rock Hotel)
Moby (Hard Rock Hotel)
DJ Unique 29th & 30th (Nancy’s Ice House)
Ladies Night w/ Drink Specials (Nancy’s Ice House)
23rd ANNUAL LAUGHLIN RIVER RUN
Level 5 (Nancy’s Icehouse) HAVASU JET JAM PWC RACE (Crazy Horse) DESERT STORM POKER RUN (Nautical Inn) Bruce Springsteen (Glendale Arena) Nine Inch Nails (Hard Rock Hotel)
Until a developer creates a game that puts players into the shoes of a severely demented protagonist who disembowels his adversaries with a plastic fork and wears their intestines as suspenders, The Punisher will hold the notorious distinction of being the most grotesque and violent game to date. While most of the gameplay unfolds through fairly tame and enjoyable shootouts reminiscent of the Max Payne series, it paves its own bloody path with a unique interrogation system that shows just how ruthless and psychotic The Punisher can be. Whether you are holding an adversary at gunpoint, dangling them off of a ledge, or threatening to grind the flesh off of their face on an electric sander, The Punisher knows just how to make people talk. It’s what happens after they squeal that is truly disturbing. You can do the humane thing and let them go, or you can finish them off in a way that usually leaves a blood smear the size of Rhode Island. Horror movie fanatics like myself will appreciate just how
50 CENT This CD was pushed back a few times, and there’s a bootleg CD of unreleased tracks floating around that sound better than this mess! All of the delays & name changes aren’t justified after listening to the lame monotone rapping, immature (and weak!) disses, and song recycling that’s in full effect here! 50 Cent is over rated, played out, and his 15 minutes are almost up! No hating here..the CD is just trash!! My problem with this CD is that 50 Cent doesn’t show any artistic growth, and after publicly fueding with Ja Rule, 50 is now copying Ja Rule’s style! W.T.F.?? Check out 50’s wack sing-
creative Volition has been with the vast array of deaths in this game. Limbs and heads are lost in fans, bodies are crushed in compactors, humans are added to shark and python diets, facial cosmetics are taken to the next level in deep fryers, and I’ve learned that wood isn’t the only thing that burns in fireplaces. These executions are so grisly that you can’t help but grimace at each drop of blood that is spilled. They are sick. They are wrong. But they are also executed brilliantly. If you think that a specific execution may be too much for your heart to handle, don’t do it. Just get the info you need and release your prisoner. The player is the one who determines how violent the action gets. Do you value your ethics? Or do you want a gruesome thrill? The choice is yours.
a-longs with Olivia, who’s playing the Ashanti role on songs like ‘Candy Shop’ (a rip off of ‘Magic Stick’ NOTE 4 NOTE!). ‘The Massacre’ may sell like hotcakes for a few days, and THEN a TON of USED COPIES WILL appear for the taking! Unlike so many poor souls, I was able to unload my copy for a full refund, and retailers aren’t taking anymore used copies of ‘The Massacre’..They’re loaded with too many!! Please, Don’t buy this mess! Not even a burned copy at the barber shop!! Leave it alone! In closing, this CD is a Shot Up Buck Toothed HOT MESS! 50, it’s ova! LOS LONELY BOYS These three bad brothers you’re about to know so well were discovered by
one of the baddest, Willie Nelson. Their main influences (who they ohso-respectfully shout-out on their new album),include Carlos Santana, Ritchie Valens, and Stevie Ray Vaughn. So their skintight harmonies and kick-ass mix of rock, blues, & a lil’ Tex-Mex flava might not come as too much of a surprise, but their youth, hotness, and new Grammy for Best Pop Performance By Duo or Group definitely raised a few eyebrows. Los Lonely Boys defy all stereotypes, however, and the time was ripe for a fresh sound such as the one they put down on their self-titled debut album. With guitar riffs bad enough to stand up to Jimi & Carlos, funky bass lines to bob your head to, & a driving beat courtesy of brotherman on the drum kit, this CD is perfect for the pad, the ride, and even getting down with your favorite chica.
Spring has sprung and it’s all about new beginings: what’s on and popping, and spring cleaning ya’ll! So this month our famed Mob astrologer drops what you need to get into that you haven’t yet, and what to kick to the curb. Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19 Berfday Present For You Aries! The New Year’s Resolution You Made To Be More Responsible & Less Of A Party Animal Got You Where You Needed To Be: Full Of Energy With Pockets Full Of Cash. Now The Universe Says Its Time To Rage Again!!! Who Are You To Argue?
Libra Sept 23 - oct 22 Bringing The Sexy Has Never Been Difficult For You, But This Month You Meet Your Match & It’s Time To Flip The Script. If You Take A Sec To Stop Telling The Mirror How Hot It Is You Just Might Mess Around & Find Your Bonnie Or Clyde…
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20 Don’t Look Now, But Love Is Knockin’ On Ya Door This Month! You Betta Say “C’mon In!” It’s A Nice Surprise Cuz’ You’ve Kinda Stalled In This Area Lately, But Don’t Be Skerred, It’s The Real Deal This Time Around. Holla!!
Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 You’ve Been Playin’ It Way Too Safe! Re-Discover Your Dangerous Side, You’re Not Named After A Deadly Bug For Nuthin’! Go Out With Someone Your Scared Of Or Go To Vegas & Bet Your Paycheck, Either Way The Stars Say You’ll Make Out Great.
Gemini May 21 - June 20 Almost Wanna Quote A Van Hagar Song, ‘cuz This Month Is What Dreams Are Made Of!! You’ve Been Putting Everybody Else First, & It’s Made For Some Good Ass Karma! Get Up, Get Out & Get Some!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 You’ve Been Going Back & Forth About A Life-Changing Decision, And Surprisingly, The Answer Lies In Your Belly. So Follow That Hunger For A Good Taco, Stop Eating So Much Chili, & Ultimate Bliss Will Follow.
Cancer June 21 - July 22 Confidence In The Workplace Hasn’t Been Your Strong Suit But It Hasn’t Been Your Fault. The Stars Have Been Testing You & You Passed! Now Handle Your Biz Like You Know You Can & Everything Will Be Gravy!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 You’re About To Win A Medal For The Time & Energy You’ve Lavished On Family And Other Loved Ones, And Now It’s Time For A Sexy Getaway If You’re Hooked Up, Or A Getaway In Search Of Sex If You’re Not.
Leo July 23 - Aug 22 Hope Your Favorite Color Is Green, ‘cause The Presidents Are Calling Your Name This Month! Just Ditch The Bad Habits You Let An Ex-Whatever Influence You With, & Get Your Giggle On All The Way To The Bank!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Ignoring Your Inner Rockstar Is Not The Hookup! Embrace The Pimpness That Is Your Birthright And The Rest Of The World Will Follow! You’ve Earned The Props, Now Go & Brush Your Shoulders Off Already!
Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22 This Month When You’re Jonesin’ For A Shopping Spree, Use It To Spoil Someone You Dig. Not Only Will It Get You Some, People Will Stop Thinking Of You As A Shallow Jerk Like They Did Last Month.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 You’ve Been On A Journey These Last Few, & The View’s Been Fine, But You’ve Been Ignoring An Itch That Desperately Needs To Be Scratched. The Stars Say Soothe It With Some Outdoor Recreation Or Sports & You’ll Attract Someone For Some Indoor.
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