Generosity Burnout

Are You Giving too Much?

By Tina Winchester

‘Be Kind’ is a wonderful mantra we’ve been hearing more and more. Celebrating those who put others ahead of themselves, the nurturers and the empaths who contribute to a kinder more compassionate society. But at what cost?

When we neglect our own needs and only put the needs of others at the top of our priorities we can find that we’re running on empty. We often give to many, our work colleagues, our staff, our clients, our partners, our children, our friends …. Are you the one carrying the heaviest load? How does this affect mental health?

Mental health is broad, it’s not black and white. It includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. Mental health is important at every stage of our life.

While it’s true that not everyone will experience a mental illness, we know that everyone will go through periods where they struggle with their mental well-being, just as we have physical health issues from time to time.

We also know that we do things that may impact our mental well-being, that includes people-pleasing and giving too much. When we don’t protect ourselves, we can feel overloaded and overwhelmed, we’ll experience more stress and can fall behind in work and our relationships can be affected.

According to Grant and Rebele, the main symptoms of generosity burnout are: Physical and emotional burnout. Generosity burnout can occur when there are constant demands on your time. You may feel that you are being pulled in too many directions at once.

• Resentment and poor morale. You may start to resent demands and expectations, especially if you find it hard to say “no” to them. If this resentment doesn’t get addressed, it can begin to affect your performance, morale and emotional wellbeing.

• Lack of engagement. You might find that you have become so busy dealing with everyone else’s demands that you no longer have time for the people who really count – for instance, your team members, your clients or even your family members. They can soon become frustrated with your lack of engagement.

• Poor performance in others. Other team members may begin to take advantage of your generosity, and rely on you so much that they become complacent and unproductive.

We can overcome generosity burnout, but we need to be brave. Pause and take stock of where your time and energy is going throughout a day or a week. Setting boundaries is a must, but for a giver it can be challenging. In the words of Brene Brown – choose discomfort over resentment. Small steps lead to big wins so be mindful of when you default to saying ‘yes’ to a request, take a breath and allow yourself the time to think about it.

It can be helpful to have some ‘go to’ phrases you can use when setting boundaries, such as:-

• ‘I can’t do that right now, is there someone else who could help you?’

• ‘I’ve got lots on at the moment so I’m going to step away from this’.

• ‘I know I’ve always helped you with this in the past, but I’m overwhelmed and need to look after myself’

• Or even a simple, ‘no’. We don’t have to justify ourselves.

The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none.

And finally, start practising self-compassion and turn your compassion inward. Value your own self and your own time, do the things you know fill your own cup back up.

Pay attention to your own internal dialogue, what messages do you give yourself each day? Consider if the things you say to yourself are things you would say to someone you love if they’re tired or overwhelmed. When we reflect upon our thoughts, we can re-write those unhelpful ones and tell ourselves a truer and more compassionate story.

It’s not selfish to put your own needs first, it’s healthy and it’s essential.

Sources: Grant, A. and Rebele, R. (2017). Beat Generosity Burnout Mindtools.com