Stop crushing on toxic men

By Jessica Katz, Lifestyle Editorial Assistant Graphic by Emma Gray, Arts Curator

Ted Bundy. Richard Ramirez. Paul John Knowles. Yes — they’re all serial killers, but what else do they have in common? They’re hot.

Well, according to some young girls they’re hot. Women have been infatuated with Bundy since he became the world’s most notorious serial killer. Ramirez was nicknamed the “Death Row Romeo” after killing at least 14 people, eventually marrying a fan while in prison.1 This phenomenon is described as hybristophilia — being sexually aroused from the knowledge that a partner has committed an “outrage,” such as a violent crime.2

The same phenomenon can be applied to villains, think Harley Quinn and the Joker. A hero would sacrifice you to save everyone else in the world, but a villain would kill everyone else in the world to save you. You are the exception.

From serial killers to evil villains, it’s clear that some young girls have a thing for toxic men. These “bad boys” are something to be sought. From the edgy skater boys to the stereotypical frat boys, they become the attainable bad boys.

1 Lerner, Jamie. “Where Is Doreen Lioy, Wife of ‘Night Stalker’ Richard Ramirez, Now?” Distractify. Distractify, January 13, 2021. 2 Veronica. “Ted Bundy and the History behind His Obsessive ‘Stans.’” Medium. Medium, August 20, 2019. According to Michael R. Cunningham, a psychologist at the University of Louisville, bad boys ooze testosterone leading to boldness and exaggerated sexuality.3 They often display qualities of the psychological dark triad, meaning they might be narcissistic, psychopathic and prone to exploiting others.

Overall, they’re rebellious and emotionally unavailable, yet it’s hard to quit them. Why?

For some, “bad boys’’ free you from the pressure of being “good girls.” Psychologist Robyn McKay explains that traits like rebelliousness are typically repressed during a girl’s childhood, as females are socialized to be agreeable.4 This girl is drawn to the bad boy as a way of expressing her own inner rebel. She admires their sense of freedom, as she aspires to shed her good girl image.

You may be drawn to the excitement of bad boys because they’re taboo. It’s the impulse to want something you shouldn’t have, so the desire grows considerably.

For self-defined therapists, these bad boys can be seen as projects. These guys are not inclined to settle down into monogamy. According to psychiatrist Dr. Margaret Seide, “If you can convince one to commit, it can feel like quite an accomplishment.”5 The pursuit of bad boys is an example of our eternal quest for validation. And falling for them happens to the most caring and nurturing types.

If you’re a nurturing type, proceed with caution. It’s nearly impossible to “fix” a bad boy or convert him into a loving, acceptable person. You can’t

3 Cheney, Dina. “Psychologists Say That Converting a Bad Boy Into a Nice Guy Is a ‘Generally Impossible Situation.’” Good Housekeeping, February 19, 2021. 4 Ibid. 5 Ibid. change anyone who doesn’t want to change for themself.

Toxic men thrive on control to keep their partners feeling small and diminished. That means their relationships will often lack important qualities of respect, kindness and compassion. It is likely that they learned this behavior at a young age by being exposed to the toxic behaviors of others, or by being overpraised without being taught empathy. This means they often fail to see past their own needs and wants, having a lack of concern for others.6

Being with a toxic man weakens you. The longer you stay in that relationship, the more likely you are to become a smaller, more wounded version of the person you used to be. You’re so tied up in the drama, you lose yourself.The more you try to make things work with a toxic man, the more you give him what he wants — control.

It’s easy to romanticize serial killers, villains and fictional “bad boys” like Damon from “The Vampire Diaries” and Tate from “American Horror Story.” But these are prime examples of toxic men. They’re violent, and oftentimes, plain evil. Not to mention the stereotypical frat boys that will take advantage of you, or the edgy boys that, to state it simply, will just not care about you.

It’s time to stop crushing on toxic men. ■