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The lesbian experience

The L e s bian Experi ence

EXPLORING THE CHARACTERIZATIONS OF WOMEN-LOVING-WOMEN

By Shelby Evans, Lifestyle Editor Photographed by Molly Jacobs

Ihad just put Wisconsin Bratwursts on the grill and I was wearing my favorite blue flannel. In one hand I held a beer, in the other I held cloth bags filled with rice. I was on my way to winning my third cornhole game of the night. My sister-in-law looked at me and said, “Wow, you have such strong dad vibes right now, I need to channel that.” I stood there, seeing the complete irony of it all. I had the perfect punch line. So I turned to her and responded, “Actually, it’s called being a lesbian.” That was how I came out to my family members, by presenting multiple lesbian stereotypes, at the age of 21. If I already “looked like a lesbian,” why didn’t I come out sooner? Well, because I didn’t know. Should I have known when I started wearing thrifted button downs? What about when I dyed my hair purple? Or when I loved Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean, so I dressed up as her for Halloween? How about the first time I heard Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl?” How, even now, am I certain of my identity? So much of being a woman-loving-woman is reduced to quiet conversations and ignored or delayed revelations of oneself. It seems that in a patriarchal society, women who operate completely outside of the need to please men are ignored and forgotten. Society has either ignored or stereotyped queer women. So what does it mean to be a lesbian on your own terms? For Emily Dickinson, it meant imbibing some of her best poems such as “Wild Nights” and “With flowers,” with a sapphic theme. In modern times, Meghan Rapinoe uses her voice to be an activist for queer rights and representation, all on top of being one of the best soccer players of our generation. Movies like “Blue is the Warmest Color” and “Portrait of a Lady on Fire” depict romances that ultimately end in heartbreak for the two women. Coincidentally in both French films one of the characters is a painter. Do I have to be a tortured artist to be a lesbian?

“For a young lesbian who doesn’t personally identify with these representations, there might be more confusion in realizing their queerness, on top of facing the stress of coming out. “

For a young lesbian who doesn’t personally identify with these representations, there might be more confusion in realizing their queerness, on top of facing the stress of coming out. When you picture a lesbian, do you picture a woman who presents as butch? These stereotypes are so prevalent that the image of what lesbianism “should be’’ can make people who don’t fit that picture feel unsure of themselves. A 2013 research project from the University of West England concluded that women who present themselves as more femine, who prefer dresses, makeup and outwardly feminine things, were more likely to doubt their identity as a queer person.1 Across the world, LQBT+ persons are defined by how they present themselves. There is an expectation of how queer people are supposed to dress, talk and conduct themselves in relationships. Queerness is not about how they feel, but what they do, or don’t do. This confusion between being your authentic self and being what society expects is a result of compulsive heterosexuality and internalized homophobia. In 2018, an extensive 30 page document titled, “Am I a Lesbian,” was posted on Tumblr. The original post was deleted, but copies of the document can still be easily found. The original author explained to Vice in an interview, “I realized I loved women when I was a teenager, but I never quite knew if my attraction for men was real or a social construct I took in as a facet of my identity.”2 Internalized homophobia is not as obvious as the Evangelicals who shout that homosexuality is a sin. Instead, queer people have to deal with their own dislike of themselves, as well as society ostracizing them. Internalized homophobia is having a negative self-image as a result of negative

1 Clarke, Victoria, and Katherine Spence. “‘I Am Who I Am’? Navigating Norms and the Importance of Authenticity in Lesbian and Bisexual Women’s Accounts of Their Appearance Practices.” Psychology & Sexuality 4, no. 1 (January 2013): 25–33. 2 King-Miller, L. (2020, June 25). How Tumblr’s ‘Am I a Lesbian?’ Google Doc Became Internet Canon. Retrieved September 19, 2020. social attitudes to homosexuality. In a world where being heterosexual is the expected default, internalized homophobia can be born from feeling the need to fit in and a conditioned negative response to the desires you feel for the same sex.3 In the “Am I a Lesbian” document, author Angeli Luz, defines compulsive heterosexuality. It is, “exactly what it sounds like - being straight is something our culture tries to force on us.”4 Queer people might “perform” heterosexuality by “acting straight” to avoid being seen as queer. Instead of wearing flannels, driving a Subaru and getting a cat, lesbians will intensely avoid those things, even if they like them.

I was 13-years-old when I stood in front of my eighth grade English class and presented my first powerpoint essay about why same sex marriage should be legal. It was three years before Obergefell v. Hodges would be argued in the Supreme Court. This was also shortly after “Same Love” by Macklemore had become popular. I loved the song, I thought it made such a profound point. I thought I was being a good ally. At the time, I felt pressure to gossip about which boys I thought were cute at lunch or at sleepovers. I was falling prey to compulsive heterosexuality, born unknowingly from my internalized homophobia. All my conversations with friends and family did not allow for the normalization of being queer. In my mind, I could be an aggressive ally, but I couldn’t possibly be a lesbian. It’s pretty comical to think about the moments when a younger me was blatantly engaging in “queer” activities or identifiers, without any idea of what I really felt for women. Instead, I thought that because I was also operating outside of those stereotypes by loving things like straight rom-com movies, that I felt like I couldn’t be a lesbian.

3 Frost DM, Meyer IH. Internalized Homophobia and Relationship Quality among Lesbians, Gay Men, and Bisexuals. J Couns Psychol. 2009 Jan;56(1):97-109. 4 Luz, Angeli. “Am I a Lesbian?” From getting cat-called on the street, to seeing the most romantic stories being between a man and a woman, there were a million everyday things telling me I should be a straight woman, that I existed solely in the gaze of men. It can be hard to understand why someone took so long to come out. While you don’t choose to be a lesbian, there are a lot of societal factors that do not even allow you to consider if you are one. By narrowly defining what lesbianism is and looks like, and not showing true representation of queer womanhood in everyday life, it can be hard for young women like me to figure out who they are. So, what is the lesbian experience? Simply put, to be a lesbian means that you identify as a woman and are attracted to other women. You can wear dresses, chop your hair off, wear flannels, garden, be an astronaut, be a teacher, be a plumber and much more. Lesbianism does not look or feel one way for all people. You can be whoever you want to be, and love women while doing it. ■

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