PEOPLE

1. INCREASE IMMIGRATION.

A Canadian classic, immigration means attracting skilled individuals from faraway lands and then exploiting them with low wages and sky-high rents. Although 53.2% of Mississauga residents are immigrants, it still wasn't enough to get the W in 2021. City Hall should look to double or triple this figure to have a shot in 2026.

2. SOLVE THE COST OF LIVING CRISIS.

A well-known barrier to population growth is the low birth rate in developed countries. However, young couples aren't going to start having more kids if they can barely afford to keep themselves afloat. Mississauga must do everything it can to reduce the cost of living in the city. Lower grocery and energy bills, subsidized transit, affordable childcare, permanent "kids eat free" at Taco Bell... these are just some of the popular, achievable policies that would improve people's lives and juice our numbers before the big show.

3. GRANT CITIZENSHIP TO ANIMALS.

A bold move, but desperate times call for desperate measures. With thousands of Mississauga households owning pets, granting them honorary citizenship would provide a huge, immediate boost to our population -- and that's not even counting the rats!

4. ABSORB BRAMPTON AND CALEDON.

The provincial government is already studying the idea of amalgamating the Region of Peel into a single municipality. Sure, it might seem like we're getting a raw deal by funding Brampton's and Caledon's shoddy infrastructure with our tax dollars. But the big brain moment comes when you realize we'd basically double Mississauga's population at the stroke of a pen. An opportunity like that is hard to pass up.

5. DECLARE INDEPENDENCE FROM CANADA.

Another risky political manoeuvre that demands courage and conviction from our civic leaders. By seceding from Canada, Mississauga would no longer be the only large Canadian municipality with negative population growth. It's simple logic.

6. COUNT ANYONE OVER 6 FEET TALL AS 1.5 PEOPLE. This one makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Why do we group tiny babies with a bunch of 6-foot freakshows anyway? They're like apples and oranges. Modernizing the census by indexing legal personhood to height is a surefire way to fill the population gap, fast.

7. CRIMINALIZE DEATH.

A controversial step, but one that's sure to deliver results. Mississaugans are, by and large, law-abiding citizens. If dying is illegal, the vast majority of residents won't do it. This simple bylaw would ensure our population remains high for Census 2026... and beyond.

8. RELOCATE THE ELDERLY.

In Mayor Crombie's opinion, a significant driver of Mississauga's plight is boomers who stick around way too long in their huge houses, leaving young people to scrounge for overpriced, undersized scraps. Fortunately, this is a problem with an easy fix: forcibly relocate every oldie to Caledon as soon as they turn 65. As a bonus, this would free up all that low-quality housing for foreign students who've been lured to Canada by for-profit career colleges to work at Fiera Foods.

9. FIX THE HOUSING MARKET.

That said, we could also solve the housing crisis by addressing root causes, such as foreign ownership, price bubbles, predatory lending practices and corrupt developers. Ha ha, yeah right! I would never suggest we inconvenience Doug Ford's donors like that! Please don't come after me.

10. ACTIVATE PROJECT HAZEL MCCLONE-ION.

Besides, why work hard to fix structural issues when the ultimate solution is only the push of a button away? The top-secret Project Hazel McClone-ion was conceived as the key to infinite population growth -- not just for Mississauga, but the whole world. Once the protocols are engaged, Square One will go dark for three days. Then will come the eerie hum, the strange lights, the rumbling without end... until finally, an army of McClone-ions pours from every storefront, overrunning and assimilating all living beings in its path. This is surely no future for you or me -- indeed, for any of God's children. But imagine the census results!