4 minute read
A Mother's Story
Postpartum Depression. It is real. It is hard. It is common. Why it is such a hush-hush topic? I don’t (and never will) understand. I feel called to share my story. It is LONG, it is real, but more importantly, it is okay!
Three and a half months ago our world was changed for the better when our newest addition was born. Scarlett is our rainbow baby. We desired to have her, we longed for her, we prayed for her, and we praised God when we heard her precious heart beat for the first time (and every time after that).
My first pregnancy with Caroline was a walk in the park. Hardly any sickness, was never really in pain, and breezed through it all. She was a 36 hour labor (she is still a diva to this day), but after she was born our connection was instant and I can honestly say I loved everything about motherhood. The good, the bad, the ugly.
My pregnancy with Scarlett was a different story. I was diagnosed with a Marginal Cord Insertion which means that Scarlett had to work 4x as hard to get any nutrients from me. With that, I was now a monitored patient and had to get a lot of ultrasounds and extra tests done often. Then, I started having some heart issues so I was being seen by a cardiologist. At 30 and 33 weeks I found myself in Labor and Delivery and just lying in the hospital bed watching my contractions on the monitor. Each time the contractions were brought back under control and I was given some medicine to help control my contractions for the remainder of my pregnancy. The next week, I found out that I was starting to get some extra fluid around Scarlett which was just one more thing for them to watch. I was then put on bed rest at 35 weeks and induced at 38 weeks because my fluid level continued to rise.
Hospital life after Scarlett was born went well. We had visitors, help from the nurses, and a few days to adjust to baby life again. Then we went home.
I remember thinking on the car ride home that something felt off. I brushed it off to be me still recovering from labor and the medicine that I had taken. Within a few hours of being home, I found myself upstairs with Andy in hysteric tears saying, “What in the world was I thinking when I thought that I could be a mom of two? I have lost my mind and there is no way that I can do this.” To be honest, I had no desire to do it. I was longing be go back to being a family of three, and I couldn’t understand why I was having these feelings because I never had any of those thoughts with Caroline.
As the days passed, my feelings didn’t change. I still was not feeling connected to Scarlett and I had no desire to do anything. Baby related or not, I felt alone and lonely no matter how many people I was around. I was crying all the time. I would see a pregnant person and immediately feel sorry for them. That isn’t who I am and that isn’t who I wanted to be. The guilt then set in big time. How in the world could I not have extreme feelings for Scarlett? She is perfect. She is healthy, she is a beyond wonderful baby, and she is as gorgeous as can be. There must be something wrong with me. That was the only answer that I had for my thoughts and feelings.
Thankfully, I have THE. BEST. support system in the world!! Being able to speak freely without the fear of being judged or frowned upon was an answered prayer. My friends and family were always willing to listen to me, let me cry my eyes out, let me put my feelings out on the table, or were just willing to sit in silence with me. And y’all, the power of prayer is incredible. I spent a lot {and I mean a lot} of time praying for answers, guidance, and comfort.
After three (long) weeks of just going through the motions and feeling miserable, I reached out to my OBGYN. She assured me that what I was feeling was common, but just unfortunately not commonly talked about. After talking for awhile, she said that I did in fact have Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety.
Hearing her say that gave me mixed feelings (as if I didn’t have enough of those already). I was glad to have somewhat of an answer to my crazy, but how in the world could I have PPD and PPA?
The thoughts that flooded my mind were: I was meant to be a mom and have always wanted and prayed for a big family. Does this make me a weak person? Does this make me a bad mom?
I have since learned that the answer to these questions is “No!” This is just part of my story. I got through it and feel passionately about sharing my story and bringing awareness to PPD.
Looking back to my maternity leave, I wish I could start it now. I wish that I hadn’t wasted all of those days and moments with Scarlett feeling what I was. However, now I can’t (and never really do) let her out of my arms. I miss her during the day and take advantage of every minute I have with her in the evenings and on the weekends. She is my angel baby, her daddy’s little princess, and her big sister’s best friend! Our life and family would be incomplete without her.
I share all of this to say, Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety are real and are common. However, they don’t have to control your life. Find your people and hold on tight! Be aware and reach out for help. You are not weak, and you are not a bad mom.
by Stephanie Ginn
