SAUCY SAGE

Question:

I’m living in Bali long-term, and loving it. I’m thriving! However, I’m struggling with friendships back home. There’s a weird tension between us. One friend told me, ‘You seem lost’. Their criticism fills me with self-doubt. How do I deal with this lack of support without cutting them off?

Answer:

So, you’ve chosen to be your own person and live every day to the fullest. Congratulations! That’s the first and hardest step to take on a fulfilling life path. Mission accomplished. Now let’s go to the beach and drink some margaritas.

Oh dear, that didn’t quite answer your question, did it? Maintaining those backhome friendships while you’re following your bliss can be complicated. Ok, let’s dive in, so long as we can keep on sipping our drinks while we chat about it.

When life takes us on an unexpected path, the people who love us can become… well, alarmed. Maybe that path led to a Kambo ceremony. I, of course, would support that without any reservations, but having frog poison smeared across your freshly burned skin, followed by 30 minutes of purging, might concern some folks, we can freely admit that. Maybe you’re having a mystic moment, charging your crystals naked and empowered beneath the full moon, while your friends just see expensive rocks, and a girl gone wild. Suddenly things are awkward between you. You feel misunderstood, unsupported.

They’re afraid they’ll lose you to some hallucinogenic-filled orgy gone wrong. Or at least they’re afraid of losing the version of you they have known.

Here’s the thing, people change. Whether you’ve relocated, had a baby, gotten back with your horrible ex, adopted a menagerie of paraplegic cats, or cut your own bangs for some strange reason… a true friend will eventually embrace every version of you, even if the new you takes some getting used to. They’ll be open to shifting roles and boundaries as needed. Ideally, when that happens, they’ll say, “Hey, you’re amazing! I love witnessing your journey, even from afar. I support you, AND I miss you.”

Friendships are the spice of life, adding flavor and depth to our experiences. Like the chili, salt, and lime, wrapped around the rim of this Marguerita. But just like spices, when they go sour or bitter, everything tastes off. You’d toss the old spices, right? But what about friendships? They hold more value than a single moment, and they can also ripen, becoming more beautiful and delicious as they age. What to do?

Perhaps you are still searching for your tribe here in Bali and are afraid that this weird dynamic with your friends from back home is as good as it gets for you. If, after a few drinks, you told me you were just holding on out of habit, that these friends offered you nothing, and that the relationships were truly toxic, I’d assure you that it’s completely normal to outgrow certain people as we move through the stages of our lives. Let yourself look at who these people are to you with honesty. Try your best to embrace the discomfort of uncertainty. The quest towards deep genuine companionship begins with clarity and courage, even if it means navigating the unknown alone for a while.

Maybe it’s not like that, though. It could be that you’re sprouting up like a wellfed seed in the heat of this infinite Bali summer, and it’s taking them some time to adjust to that. How much sun are they getting where they live? Remember that we all grow at our own pace. Just as you yearn for acceptance and understanding, extend the same patience to them. You may find yourself feeling less criticized once you realize their reactions are probably not about you.

Maybe they just need a minute to adjust to the poison frogs and groovy crystals. It’s possible they haven’t developed the capacity to fully comprehend your choices or the skill to relate to someone whose interests diverge from their own.

Perhaps something is happening in their life and with their mental health and they desperately need stability and continuity. Can you muster kindness? Acknowledge the impact their current stance may have on your growth, while also recognizing that certain shared values, like love, family, or intellectual pursuits, can serve as anchors amidst emerging differences. These shared foundations may offer a common ground to navigate the evolving dynamics of your friendship.

Only you can know if you are clinging to an expired friendship because the lonely alternative seems daunting, or whether you and your friends are just in that awkward stage where you’re not really juice anymore, but you haven’t yet managed to become tasty wine.

Just as with any long-term relationship, be it marriage, friendship, or family, there will be periods of closeness and drifting apart, building and falling apart. They don’t have to understand everything about you. They don’t have to approve of everything, and you don’t have to talk about everything with them until they are ready to hear it. They’ll catch on eventually, and when they do, you’ll be saving a beach chair with their name on it.

In the meantime, are you mature and secure enough to allow for the ebbs and flows? You don’t have to push for deeper contact if it makes you feel unhappy.

There’s no rule that says you have to make yourself available when it’s not convenient for you. If the deep period of the relationship is basically over for now, that’s ok. Keep it light in your interactions for a while.

If tensions persist and grievances linger, initiate an honest conversation to air frustrations. For those more passive or people-pleasers, this may be daunting. Yet, this is your opportunity to finally learn how to set boundaries and learn to be responsible for your own happiness. Be clear on how exactly they are hurting you, and what you need from them. Don’t forget to ask what’s happening on their side and what they may need from you.

If you’ve struggled to have a productive conversation or notice signs of an unhealthy friendship, then consider stepping out altogether, or at least put it on a temporary hiatus. Sometimes taking space can do wonders with resetting the dynamic. Maybe at some point your friend will come around, do their work, and so will you, and, newly evolved, you will meet again.

On a final note, consider the possibility that your friend’s concerns may hold merit. Bali is where we come to rediscover ourselves. It is also an island of questionable gurus, sweet-talking empty fuck boys, and hospitals full of newly minted street racers. It could be that your friend is actually right. You really might be going off the deep end. Take a step back and seek objective viewpoints from trusted individuals removed from your current environment. For example, if you are getting into spirituality, talk to an elder who has been in the ‘field’ for decades. If shibari rope play is now your Tuesday afternoon staple, talk to a kink-informed professional from a remote progressive city. Don’t cherry-pick those who will just echo whatever you have to say, like your new friends or your new coach.

And remember, it’s only their opinion, not the ultimate truth, that they are going to share. Maybe you are choosing to get lost. Maybe you need to hit rock bottom to address the issues you’ve been avoiding. It’s your bottom, after all.

I’m rooting for you to do what feels best, my dear... even if that means dropping ‘em like a tourist drops a Scoopy off the Canggu Shortcut, only to come back later and pick them back up. Until next time…