FOR SALE

Pink Eye Drops

Did you use the port-a-loo and forget to wash your hands? Did somebody fart on your pillow? Are you suffering from the interminable condition known as Pink Eye? Pink Eye Drops are now available at the SITG Merch tent as part of the Ocean Alley hygiene package for the low low price of $13. Note: Cash payments not accepted as nobody wants to contract gross pink eye from your grubby unwashed hands and stinky fart face.

Nicorette Gumboots

Absolute necessity for all patrons of SITG. Boots made entirely of Nicorette gum personally masticated by my Aunty Simone who smokes four kilos of Main Arm chop per week so you know it’s chemical free. Gumboots took nine years and 500 packets of Nicorette to complete. Smells awful but completely waterproof. $150.

Aunty Simone

Aunty Simone for sale. 75 y.o. Reasonable condition. Smokes way too much Main Arm chop and smells like a gumboot made of chewed Nicorette. $150 ONO.

Empty Beer can Empty Beer Can. Perfect condition except empty. A must-have for all can collectors but must specify can does contain 100 per cent emptiness. Once in a lifetime offer. $500.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SITG’S FREE PERINEUM CHARGING STATION!

Are you feeling flat and tired? Went a bit too hard a bit too early? Does the idea of walking all the way from the Amphitheatre to GW McLennan make you huff and sulk? The solution you need could be right in front of you… nay, make that right above you! Welcome to the wonderfully energised world of Perineum Charging!

According to Santa Monica based (and board certified) dermatologist Kerry-Anne Winklespitter, ‘the perineum, is just like a rank sweaty mobile phone, and sunshine is just like a USB chord connected to a huge flaming never ending battery that floats in the sky at daytime. Simply plug those powerful USB rays in and let the charging begin! You’ll be running laps around Splendour in no time!’

For the first time ever Splendour In the Grass will be offering a free Perineum Charging Station for all ticket holders. It’s called the sun it will be available in all outdoor areas across all three days.

Warning: Excessive Perineum Charging can lead to third degree burns.

Lost, contact Lens.

Last seen in mosh pit at Amphitheatre during Skegss set. Can no longer see out of left eye. Have been walking around in circles since Saturday afternoon. Please help.

Found, Velcro Wallet.

Humiliating to open in public due to obscene ripping velcro noise. Contains 30 cents and a non-winning $2 scratchie. Driver’s License says Kid Laroi. Please retrieve ASAP.

Found, contact lens.

Must have fallen into ass cleavage during Skegss set because it was pressing against my butthole while I was singing the “Ooooh Ooooooh Oooooh Oooooweeeooohh!” L.S.D. chorus. Tried it on but didn’t fit so clearly not mine. Also, need Pink Eye Drops if anyone knows where to find some.

Scent free attitude

I’m looking for a new attitude because Mum says my current attitude stinks. I didn’t know attitudes could stink but if anyone can smell out a stinky attitude it’s her. New attitude must be scent free but tell Mum to keep her nose in her own beezwax from now on.

Lil Kim Supreme t-shirt

Has anyone out there got a Lil Kim Supreme Tee shirt they’d be happy to part with? I ripped the sleeves off mine when I went through a brief protein shake and bodybuilding phase five years ago so the babes could check out my guns and now I totally regret it. Anyhoo give us a call if you have a Lil Kim Supreme t-shirt with the sleeves still on it.

Someone who says ‘Lit’

Desperately seeking anyone who uses the word “lit” to describe anything other than the lighting of a candle. If you are this person, or you know this person, please contact me immediately.