News Fake

Flume To Be Honoured With Bronze Statue At Brunswick Heads Servo

Electronic/Dance Superstar Flume is set to be immortalised with a giant bronze statue at a service station in Brunswick Heads. The statue, 35 metres high and rumoured to cost around $340,000, will be paid for by the service station’s owner Brian Itchycorn, who only heard Flume for the first time after the dyed-blonde Australian sex symbol took out this year’s Triple J hottest 100. ‘Yeah look, to be honest a year ago I didn’t know Flume from a can of diesel’ laughed Itchycorn, ‘but Say Nothing is a hell of a song. See, I work long hours and Triple J flogged the shit out of it to the point where I couldn’t wait for it to come on. Then every time it did, I’d rip off me undies and run out to the bowsers swinging them above my head like a rodeo cowboy whipping an invisible dance bull! People got the fright of their lives and I was arrested on three occasions, but they’re memories I’m just not willing to forget… hence the statue.’ When asked how Itchycorn was able to fund such a giant sexy statue he replied: ‘Are you kidding me? Fuel is two bucks a litre mate! I’m rolling in money!’

Words by Vaughan Blakey

LIZZO’S FLUTE DETAINED AT AUSTRALIAN CUSTOMS

Lizzo’s flute has been detained by Australian Border Security after failing to declare ‘cured meats and unspecified wood items’ upon arriving at Brisbane airport last Thursday. It is alleged that Lizzo’s flute was unaware that such goods were illegal due to the nation’s strict biosecurity laws. Upon discovery of the contraband Lizzo’s flute is reported to have flown into a rage with one witness reporting to have overheard the woodwind instrument screaming at officials: ‘Don’t you know who I am? I’m a superstar! I’ll bet Jethro Tull’s flute never had to put up with this shit!’ At the time of press Lizzo’s flute is still yet to be granted entry to Australia and whether or not it will perform at Splendour remains to be seen, however Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has weighed in, issuing this firm warning to all touring artists: ‘It doesn’t matter what band you’re in or where you’re playing… we won’t abide by flutes flaunting our laws in this country.’ It is now believed the unspecified wood items mentioned by Border Security may actually be relatives of Lizzo’s flute, including Lizzo’s Oboe, Lizzo’s Basoon and Lizzo’s Recorder.

KING GIZZARD & THE LIZARD WIZARD FORCED TO CHANGE NAME

The Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages has issued an immediate cease and desist order to Australian psyche indy rockers King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard in an effort to stop the Melbourne six-piece from further lying to the Australian public. Head of Operations for the RBD&M, Ms Penny Pisswhistle, argued that the name was misleading and untruthful as not a single member of the band are kings, nor wizards. ‘It’s disrespectful to this nation’s actual King, Wally Lewis not to mention our only true wizard, the late great Shane Warne,’ scorned Ms Pisswhistle. She then went on to say she had serious doubts if any of the band were lizards either, but conceded they likely did have gizzards. Although the band is yet to officially release a statement it is believed they will abide by the orders and in line with the demands henceforth be known as ‘The Six Humans with Gizzards.’