ISSU E â„– 03
NORTH BY RON PA R K LA N DS
This is it. Splendou r in the Grass
2016
Sunday, 24th July, 2016
T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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THEY MET AT THE FESTIVAL: PART 3 By Vaughan Deadly They met at the festival. She was wearing a Hard Ons tee shirt and cool boots and he had a warm smile and didn’t smoke and they both liked King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and that was pretty much all they knew about each other as they pashed in the mosh and the entire fucking place melted into something entirely different and magical and necessary for the both of them. But get this…Winfield and Dusty had actually met before, years before, when they were both in Year Five at Billinudgel Primary School. Why didn’t they remember? Well, Dusty hadn’t grown up on the North Coast. Her parents had split when she was three and her Mum had taken her to live in Melbourne, while her Dad had taken her little brother Lachie and moved to North Ocean Shores. They barely had anything to do with each other until, when Dusty was 11, her Mum scored three months work overseas, so it was decided she’d do one school term at her Dad’s place until Mum came home. Winfield noticed Dusty on her very first day of school because she was nothing like the other girls in his class. She had short dark hair and a long sweeping fringe that she brushed to the left whenever somebody made her laugh, and instead of a school uniform she wore Vision Street Wear tees with tartan skirts and Chuck Taylors. He liked how quickly she made friends and how good she was at sport, and how she didn’t seem to care if all the boys could see her undies when she hung upside down on the monkey bars. It only took a few weeks for Winfield to realise he was crushing on the new girl, and for the first time in his life he felt like he wanted to be cool. He went and got a kick ass bowl haircut and used all his pocket money to buy some Converse, but much to his disappointment she didn’t even notice. Winfield didn’t know what to do. At night he lay in bed thinking of ways to woo this girl, but that only led to fantasies that he was Daniel Russo in Karate Kid 2, swan kicking the fuck out of heaps of baddies before pashing her face off while Glory of Love played in the background. Then one day, just after everyone had left the classroom for lunch, Winfield tore a strip of paper out from one of his textbooks, wrote “I like you” on it, and slipped it under Dusty’s desk. This was easily the biggest gamble of his life up until that point, and he spent the entire lunchtime thinking he was gonna spew Promite and spout sandwiches all over the back playground. When the bell signaled the end of lunch Winfield could barely find the strength in his legs to walk back to class, but when he sat back in his seat and reached under his desk he was surprised to find a small piece of paper neatly folded on top of his books. He opened it and written there in purple grape smelly pen were the words, “I like your haircut x.” He looked over his shoulder to where Dusty was sitting and she blushed and quickly turned away. “CALLOOH CALLAY MOTHERFUCKERS!” screamed Winfield’s thrashing 11-year-old heart. The gamble had paid off. The next day Winfield walked straight up to Dusty in the playground and asked her (without eye contact, of course), “Will you go out with me?” She said “yes” but
that there was one condition. “You have to meet my dad. I’m only allowed to have a boyfriend if my Dad thinks he’s ok. Can you come around to my place after school today?” Winfield said he would and asked for her address. “8 Elizabeth St,” she told him. The address was instantly familiar. “Hang on, that’s Lachie Brixton’s house.” he said. “Of course it is. Lachie’s my little brother.” Winfield felt a rush of dizziness. Elizabeth St was only a short pushy ride away so that was no problem, but if Lachie
Winfield caught the bus home, got in his best clothes, grabbed an apple and jumped on his pushy. He’d lived in South Golden Beach since he was six-years-old and knew every twist and turn and jump and shortcut the town had to offer. Though he could have taken the long way around to the Brixton place, he knew the quickest way to get there would be through the old quarry and across vacant blocks that spilled into the streets of North Ocean Shores. The quarry was a risk. It was a super narrow path that bottlenecked between two giant piles of boulders, and
Brixton was Dusty’s little brother then that meant her Dad had to be Tony Brixton— only the biggest fucking psycho in the entire neighbourhood. Tony was a former first grade rugby league player for the Western Suburbs Magpies, he also coached the U/12 footy team and had no problems calling kids, “Fucken pussies!” from the sidelines whenever they missed a tackle. He also coached Lachie at tennis, surfing, judo and numerous other sports, often publicly berating the boy—even in victory—for not doing anything right. Parents thought Tony was a prick, but kids were genuinely terrified of the guy. Not today though. Winfield had done the hard yards and was up for the challenge. She was worth it.
sometimes when it rained, mini landslides would send rocks and dirt sliding down into the bottleneck making the path inaccessible. It hadn’t rained for ages though, and because Winfield wanted to get this meeting out of the way, he decided to take the chance. But as he rode into the quarry path and fanged down towards the bottle neck, he was stopped in his tracks by a most unexpected sight. Standing there, blocking the path, was a donkey. A sad looking, grey coated, black mohawked, buck toothed fucking donkey! Winfield could barely believe it. What was this donkey doing here? Where had it come from? And, why had it decided to stop and stand in his way right now? He yelled
at the donkey. “HEYAAAR! GORN GIT!” But the donkey just stood there like a stupid donkey shaped tree. Winfield got off his bike and walked slowly towards the animal. When he got close enough he reached out and gave the donkey a pat. “Hey donkey, would you mind getting out of the way, mate? I gotta get through here. It’s kind of important.” But the donkey just turned and faced the other direction. The stubborn bastard wasn’t going anywhere. With few options left, Winfield decided to give him a shove. Placing his hands on either side of the donkey’s huge ass he began to push. He pushed and he pushed and then he pushed some more, but the donkey wouldn’t budge. With one last monumental effort, Winfield dug his heels in and went for it screaming, “Come on dude! I gotta get through here!” And it was at that very moment that the donkey turned his head, lifted his tail, gave a little wink… and sharted. It was a beast of a shart—an ungodly explosion that frightened birds from the trees and shook dirt and small rocks from the piles of boulders on either side of the quarry. The donkey’s arsehole shit sprayed Winfield from head to toe. It blasted his eyes and filled his mouth. It covered his clothes and destroyed his shiny new shoes. It burned his skin and singed his hair. It was an apocalyptic event and Winfield had been right in the very thick of it. And before he could even take his hands off the donkey’s ass the animal casually walked out of the bottleneck and disappeared around the corner without so much as a glance over its shoulder. It was the ultimate fuck you. Donkey one. Winfield none. Needless to say, Winfield never made it to Dusty’s that afternoon. Instead he went home, had a five hour shower, and then went to his bedroom and listened to Boys Don’t Cry on repeat until he finally fell asleep. He wasn’t too young to understand the true meaning of humiliation and loss, and he pretended to be sick for the next week just so he didn’t have to go to school and face her. But what Winfield didn’t know was that had he made it to Dusty’s house that afternoon, he wouldn’t have seen her anyway. Her Mum had come home early and her Dad had taken her straight to the airport after school to put her on a flight back to Melbourne. She felt ashamed for leaving without a word. She really did like that boy’s haircut. For obvious reasons, Winfield and Dusty had not thought about the other since. Even after they’d kissed, neither of them had even come close to suspecting the history they shared. Instead, they’d bounced from one stage to the next, laughing, drinking, dancing, making out, living in the moment, not giving a fuck about anything and genuinely feeling like this whole festival had been put on just for them. It wasn’t until late that night when The Cure took to the stage that Winfield saw something he recognised, something deeply familiar in Dusty’s eyes. “Holy fuck,” he said to her. “I think I’ve loved you all my life.” She looked at him with a knowing smile as Boys Don’t Cry began echoing out over the amphitheatre. “No shit.” she said. ₴
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Photo & cover by Lincoln Jubb
T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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IT’S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT
Image by Lincoln Jubb
By Alistair Klinkenberg
“IT’S A MARATHON NOT A SPRINT,” said an anonymous Monster Children staffer on the first day of Splendour in the Grass, “and it’s a real shame because I’m a sprinter.” The problem is that our office is pretty much made up entirely of sprinters, and as I write this we’re all hurling ourselves towards the finish line. Our office in Sydney is big and airy, and the number of staff comes in at around twenty. The Daily Splendour staff is a similar size—because they’re one and the same— and our office on the Splendour site has been a 6x3 metre shipping container behind the backstage area of the Amphitheatre stage. Working in quarters as close as these is team bonding on steroids. Here are three things
that happen when extreme close quarters staff bonding is thrust upon you: 1. The nicknames get really, really ridiculous. Some highlights from our last few days. ‘Carl Lewis’ is the name of the anonymous sprinter I mentioned at the start, ‘Mother of Dragons’ is the name of our CEO because she’s powerful and the only vaguely sane person in here, and my nickname is Brexit, because I grew up in England. The infamous ‘Scotch Egg’ is absent, but that hasn’t stopped us talking about him every two minutes. 2. Eight boys in a shipping container gets stinky. Like, farmyard stinky. Sorry girls. 3. You have to write down the classic quotes that spurt from the mouths of deliriously tired and drunk employees,
because they don’t get any better. Some vernacular high points: When one employee was told to calm down by his girlfriend another contributor jumped in and screamed, “Don’t you fucking calm down!” And we couldn’t leave out the anonymous words that drifted through the door as we were proofing the Saturday issue of The Daily Splendour. “Oh come on Jimmy, you old cock.” On a slightly more serious note, we’ve had an absolute blast producing The Daily Splendour, and we’re incredibly flattered to have been given the opportunity. The response from staff and the festival masses has been humbling, and you’re all fricken beautiful. One thing’s for sure, we’ll be back. Until next time. ₴
THIS DAY IN MUSIC HISTORY
By Josh Rakic JULY 24, 1964—Keith Richards incited a riot at a Blackpool gig when he threw a kick at bludger who was spitting at The Rolling Stones from the front row. Two police officers and 30 fans suffered injuries and the damage bill came in at $4000 pounds or today’s AUD equivalent of $130,000.00 JULY 24, 1982—Rocky III debuted in US cinemas and Survivor started their six week run at No.1 on the US chart with Eye Of The Tiger. In some ways, it’s never left. JULY 24, 1967—The Beatles met Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in London for the first time after attending one of his lectures. And soon after they signed a petition printed in The Times newspaper calling for the legalisation of weed. Nimbin’s been carrying that torch ever since. It also inspired their famous 1968 trip to India where they joined Donovan and Mike Love of the Beach Boys, and wrote songs for The White Album. JULY 24, 1997—Angry Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher was cautioned by Police after he admitted to attacking a cyclist from the window of his limousine and breaking the man’s Ray-Bans. He’d hate Sydney. JULY 24, 1989—Roxette was at the top of the charts with The Look, having knocked off Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings and beat out New Kids on The Block’s The Right Stuff. What a year to be alive. Other number ones in 1989 included Madonna’s Like a Prayer, Eternal Flame from The Bangles, the Fine Young Cannibals’ She Drives Me Crazy, Kokomo, I Would Walk 500 Miles, Turn Back Time, Loveshack, Funky Cold Medina and Mossy’s Tuckers Daughter to name but a few. T Swift was onto something... JULY 24, 2008—Fiddy did not take kindly to Taco Bell using his name and image without permission and the rapper-turned-mogul took the fast food joint to court, stat. It was a pretty good ad and the sort of thing he’d no doubt jump at today—the ad featuring 50 cent being enticed to change his name to 89 Cent or 99 Cent. Apparently they were “diluting the value of his good name”. That fact that he’s subsequently claimed bankruptcy, is of little value, ironically. ₴
MONKEYS IN THE ZOO. PHOTO EDITOR
LINCOLN JUBB EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
ALISTAIR KLINKENBERG
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JASON DOMANCIE PUBLISHERS
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CAMPBELL MILLIGAN CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER
RACHEL BLACKLEY
MARKETING & PROJECT MANAGER
DALE ROBINSON
EDITORIAL COORDINATOR
MONIQUE PENNING
WWW.MONSTERCHILDREN.COM
DANIELLE KELLY ACCOUNTS
GEORGIA SHENTON CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
MATT PIKE DIGITAL DIRECTOR
CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHERS
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THE DAILY SPLENDOUR IS PUBLISHED THREE TIMES A FESTIVAL BY MONSTER CHILDREN PTY LTD IN ASSOCIATION WITH ‘SITG’ DISTRIBUTED BY MONSTER CHILDREN
ANY SUGGESTIONS, COMPLAINTS OR IDEAS SHOULD BE SENT TO MONSTER@ MONSTERCHILDREN.COM. THIS IS THE 1ST ISSUE OF THE DAILY SPLENDOUR. CONTENT IS COPYRIGHT MONSTER CHILDREN PTY LTD, UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
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T H EDA I LYSPLEN DOU R.COM | # t hed ailysplendou r
MONSTER CHILDREN ROADMAP TO DAY 03 By Dale Robinson
ALRIGHT IT’S DAY THREE, HOW ARE WE FEELING?—Who cares, we’ve got bands to see, and lots of them! Think on your feet and keep up! Here we go, Green Buzzard at the Amphitheatre leading into Gold Class in the GW McLennan tent and then straight into Tired Lion. It’s a powerful start to the final day. We’ll then stumble from the City Calm Down at the Amphitheatre to The Internet in the Mix Up tent and hang out for Jagwar Ma. At 7:15 we’re headed to hear the hoarse voiced Mark Lanegan at the GW McLennan tent, a must see experience. Alright we’re on the home stretch, catch half of Isabella Manfredi and The Preatures at the GW McLennan then James Blake at the Amphitheatre will lead you into Flume to end it all! (Jake Bugg is also worth seeing in the GW McLennan tent, depends on how your ears and legs and basically everything is holding together). It’s been a journey. Congratulations, you made it. ₴
MC PICKS : DAY 3 10:45- 12:00
FLUME
10.15 - 11.30
SIGUR ROS
10:15 - 11:15
JAKE BUGG
9:15 - 10:15
JAMES BLAKE
7:15 - 8:15
MARK LANEGAN
5:15 - 6:15
JAGWAR MA
4:00 - 4:45
THE INTERNET
4:15 - 5:15
MARLON WILLIAMS
3:15 - 4:15
CITY CALM DOWN
1:45 - 2:30
TIRED LION
12:30 - 1:15
GOLD CLASS
12:00 - 12:30
GREEN BUZZARD
Image by Lincoln Jubb
SUNDAY 24TH JULY FULL LINE-UP A M PH I T E AT R E TIME
ACT
10:45 - 12:00
FLUME
JAMES BLAKE
9:15 - 10:15
BOY & BEAR
7:45 - 8:45
COURTNEY BARNETT
6:15 - 7:15
TEGAN & SARA
4:45 - 5:45
CITY CALM DOWN
3:15 - 4:15
MIX UP
GW McLEN NA N
T I N Y DA N C E R
TIME
ACT
TIME
ACT
TIME
ACT
10:30 - 11:30
SIGUR ROS
10:15 - 11:15
JAKE BUGG
9:00 - 10:00
SLUMBERJACK
9:30 - 10:15
PLANETE
8:30 - 9:30
DUKE DUMONT
8:45 - 9:45
THE PREATURES
8:00 - 9:00
GANZ
7:45 - 8:30
PLANETE
6:45 - 7:45
GOLDEN FEATURES
7:15 - 8:15
MARK LANEGAN
6:55 - 8:00
JUST A GENT
6:15 - 6:45
TWINSY
5:15 - 6:15
JAGWAR MA
5:45 - 6:45
THE JUNGLE GIANTS
6:00 - 6:50
WAFIA
4:45 - 5:15
TWINSY
4:00 - 4:45
THE INTERNET
4:15 - 5:15
MARLON WILLIAMS
5:00 - 5:50
REMI
3:30 - 4:00
TWINSY
2:45 - 3:30
URTHBOY
3:00 - 3:45
LITTLE MAY
4:00 - 4:50
FEKI
2:15 - 2:45
AMATURE DANCE 1:45 - 2:30
TIRED LION
3:00 - 3:50
SUI ZHEN
12:30 - 1:15
GOLD CLASS
2:00 - 2:45
MELBOURNE SKA ORCHESTRA
1:30 - 2:15
LAPSLEY
1:00 - 1:30
AMAURE DANCE
12:45 - 1:30
BLOSSOMS
12:15 - 1:00
JESS KENT
12:00 - 12:30
GREEN BUZZARD
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T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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Jake from Mary’s. Image by Lincoln Jubb
HANGOVER HACKS FROM ROCK N ROLL LEGENDS By Erin Bromhead
IT’S SUNDAY, AND YOU’RE HUNGOVER. SURELY THIS DEVELOPMENT COMES AS NO SURPRISE—What still may manage to shock you though, is how wholly and certainly you want to die. In other circumstances, we’d just tell you to call it a day, but this isn’t ‘other circumstances’. This is the final day of Splendour in the Grass 2016. So find your pants, delete your Instagram, and take the advice of someone more famous than you. Under the questionable guidance of Band of Horses drummer, Creighton Barrett, we have compiled a list of the best and worst cures for the most brutal of katzenjammers, as suggested by a host of celebrities who love to get on the sauce. DANII MINOGUE According to Australia’s second favourite Minogue, Vegemite and grated cheese grilled on toast will bring you back to life after a night of discombobulation. According to Creighton, Kylie would never suggest something as idiotic as salt. “No fucking way. I’d imagine tripling the sodium content of my already dehydrated, nutrient deprived, garbage dumpster of a body would and could only have adverse effects on my present efforts to make it drunk again. It would be like sending Trump campaign notifications to Isis. Fuck toast as well.” KEITH MOON According to the drummer of The Who, the best way to heal that headache is to wake up at 6am, eat a power breakfast of bangers and eggs washed down with a
bottle of Dom Perignon and half a bottle of brandy, then take a couple of downers, and go back to sleep. Keith probably isn’t the best mentor, seeing as he died from an accidental overdose of the prescription drug Heminevrin, which is actually prescribed to combat alcoholism. Creighton’s misgivings have more to do with parental responsibilities, though. “Who has the time or the drugs?” he asks. “I got fucking kids, man, I’m up at 6am no matter what happened the night before, and nothing pisses off kids more than a drunk dad eating Klonopin and forgetting the syrup.” OZZY OSBOURNE According to the Oz Dog, four tablespoons of brandy, four tablespoons of port, a dash of milk, egg yolks, and some nutmeg does the trick—mainly because it gets you ‘instantly blasted again so you don’t feel a thing.’ For obvious reasons (most notably his inability to walk or talk properly), Oz isn’t really in a position to be dispensing counsel right now, though apparently, Creighton disagrees. “My man. Makes total sense. Except the whole recipe and all the ingredients part. Just wake up, wash the blood off your feet and get after it! Me, you, car park, now! No one likes talking to sober clouds on a drunk day.” ANTHONY BOURDAIN For the culinary king, all you need is to roll a really good joint and huff on it before you get out of bed. Then have a cold Coca-Cola, followed by some very spicy leftovers like cold Kung Pao chicken. He calls his cure ‘The trilogy of opulence.’ Creighton isn’t so convinced. “I don’t know man, sounds like
certain disaster, or at least Armageddon for your butt and pants”, he says. “Some weed and a Coke can be righteous, but do you really have left overs? What are you, five? If you get wasted and wake up with left over food from the night before, then you’re doing it wrong.”
“FOUR TABLESPOONS OF BRANDY, FOUR TABLESPOONS OF PORT, A DASH OF MILK, EGG YOLKS, & SOME NUTMEG DOES THE TRICK” GWYNETH PALTROW Miss Entitled USA for 43 years and counting, Gwyneth Kate Paltrow, likes to keep things complex. She suggests you draw a bath that is as hot as you can handle it before mixing in some Epsom salts and baking soda. ‘Soak for 20 minutes and then pop into a freezing-cold shower for one minute. Get
back in the hot bath and stay until you’re warmed up. Then get back in the shower for one more minute.’ Take it away, Creighton. “Oh sweet, coddled Gwynn! How elitist of you. So cute. Let me start by saying that the state of being hungover is a worldwide epidemic, not some upper class annoyance. Most of us don’t have staffed Turkish baths/ rehydrating units in or around our homes. My parents had a waterbed when I was a kid, and I think it was capable of similar rejuvenating properties, but I shot it with a blow dart when I was ten and that was the end of that. My dad left soon after. Thanks.” RUSSELL CROWE Everyone’s favourite rabbit owner, Russ Crowbar, thinks getting over a hangover involves a simple pat of the hairy dog that bit you. ‘Get going again with tequila on the rocks. If you only drink that stuff, you won’t get a hangover in the first place.’ Finally, praise from Creighton: “Nail on the head, Russ!” So, there you have it. A real mixed baggy of suggestions to get you over this monumental mountain you’ve passed out under. Take it from Ozzy, Bourdain, or hell, even Danii. Or better yet, take it from Creighton himself, who must know a thing or two about hangovers after 12 years with BAND OF HORSES. His cure? “Get on a plane, travel 2 days to get to this country, have 12 white wines along the way and a couple of good cries at shit movies, and then piss the person in the middle seat off by asking to use his tray table because this magazine is too fucking big.” ₴
GOT MUD? We’ve all been there. It’s a known fact that FESTIVALS AND FOOTWEAR DON’T MIX. The good news is HYPE DC IS HERE TO HELP. Simply post a picture on instagram of your cooked footwear with the hashtag #COOKEDFOOTWEAR OVER THE SPLENDOUR WEEKEND and we’ll choose the worst 20 to replace, BRAND NEW (value of $150). THE MORE COOKED THE BETTER!
@HYPEDC
T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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P.McN ART SQUAD CAPTAIN PAUL McNEIL THE UNOFFICIAL MAYOR OF BYRON BAY
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T H EDA I LYSPLEN DOU R.COM | # t hed ailysplendou r
All images by Jason Domancie
By Monique Penning
PAUL MCNEIL IS THE UNOFFICIAL MAYOR OF BYRON BAY AND THE SELFTITLED CHIEF OF FUN FOR THE TOWN. Paul cruises up to our Daily Splendour bunker wearing thongs and politely asks if the interview can be delayed for an hour so he can go and see King Gizzard. A Mayor that’s into King Gizzard? Now that’s someone we’d vote for. “I see Triple J have a mayor again,” Paul says referring to their pretentiously appointed ‘Major of Splendour.’ “I don’t want to mess with that guy. I had a punch on with the mayor the first year they had one. I won obviously, but I’ll be avoiding the mayor this year.” Paul McNeil’s an iconic Australian artist, and he plays an integral part in Splendour’s aesthetic, under the direction of creative senior manager Janne Scott. Every rainbow, hotdog and smiley faced popsicle Splendourgoers have seen this weekend came from the touch of Paul’s brush—with the help of an entourage, of course. But when asked about the now iconic Splendour in the Grass fluro letters that punters see in the entry way, Paul had no idea that cheeky festival-goers the night before had switched up the letters, again. Reducing the sign to garble. “Have they?” he asks. “It’s been such a problem. Every year they get moved around,
but now they’ve made them so tough, they’ve got metal frames behind them, but they’re still determined to play scrabble with them.” Paul’s work travels far beyond the transient festival world that springs up in the Byron Shire each year. He’s produced album covers for The Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth, Hoodoo Gurus (that he just quietly won an ARIA for), and he was one of the original Mambo artists. He owns an artist residency and gallery in Byron called Art Park, and last year he collaborated with The Rolling Stones. The way he downplays these incredible feats however, almost makes it seem like he’s chatting about winning the meat tray raffle at his local RSL. “I did a poster and some other artwork for The Rolling Stones last year,” Paul tells me. “At the time I thought, ‘Oh yeah that’s cool,’ but later I realised, ‘Shit, that’s probably as good as it gets.’ In the 90s, pretty much all I did was music. I did rock posters and album covers and videos, but now it’s been morphed. Everyone still has album covers and art, but they’re only the size of your phone screen.” When I asked him how he’s supposed to do any better than working with the biggest band in the world, he remains both humble and realistic. “Well I haven’t won an Oscar yet have I,” he laughs. “Does that come after an ARIA? Or maybe a Golden Globe? I just like producing things that make
people happy.” But what dream album cover would make him the most happy? “I’m lucky enough to have worked with a fair few of the artists that I admire,” Paul says. “But Neil Young and Patti Smith would definitely be on the list because they’re people who’ve had a lasting impression on music through the ages. Neil Young’s always been cool, had really good covers, and done whatever he wanted. I respect that.” When we go for a wander around the Splendour grounds to inspect Paul’s installations it’s damn hot and the crowd is starting to fire up watching Gang of Youths. Standing on top of the hill looking at the sea of people, it’s easy to agree with what Paul says about Splendour. “It’s one of the most incredible festivals in the world,” he says. “They put a lot of love into decorating it, it’s not just wire fences and hotdogs. Let’s go over to the hotdog actually, it’s nearby.” Paul’s love of everything produced in the name of art, even an oversized hotdog in front of food trucks, is evident. And when you see Paul’s art on show here at Splendour, it’s easy to see how his work would be suffocated in a traditional setting. “Real pieces of art are skateboard decks and art that anyone can own,” Paul says. “They can’t all afford paintings or go to galleries, but all the people today wearing cool shirts around, it’s art for
the people.” There’s certain artists who get hung up on the blank boxes known as galleries., and Paul McNeil is not a fan of galleries in the traditional sense. “The average person will never go into one in their lifetime,” he says. “They’ll go into a church before they go into a gallery. They’re boring, the walls are always white and the people that work in them speak funny.” A hub of artistic creativity—among many other things—Byron Bay is now Paul’s adopted home after he spent many years living in Bondi (where he tells me he was also the social mayor). The enormity of what Splendour brings to the Byron region is not lost on Paul, who sees the crowds descend and then disappear every year. “I don’t think people realise, Byron is like a 10,000 people town. It’s a tiny town, and we’ve got The Cure and The Strokes playing here? It’s mind blowing. I hope it’s not lost on everyone.” Before checking out his famous hotdog, Paul takes us past one of his favourite zones, the Moet Chandon tent. Paul McNeil is a living walking testament to everything that’s great about Splendour in the Grass, and after working like a dog in the fields for the week prior to Splendour, he watches the sun set on Splendour’s Saturday with a glass of french bubbles in hand. “It’s a gorgeous respite from the madness,” he says. ₴
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MOMENTS GALLERY Splendour in the Grass 2016
The Strokes. Image by Lincoln Jubb
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Alison, The Kills. Image by Chris Searl
DMA’s. Image by James Adams
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Violent Soho. Image by Lincoln Jubb
King Gizzard crowd. Image by James Adams
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Image by James Adams
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King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard drew one of the most energetic crowds of the weekend. The energy was intense, and photographer James Adams, who took this fine selection of photos, witnessed a true festival moment. “I saw two dudes run into each other and clash heads pretty hard,” he tells me. “The other guy put his arm around the other from behind and kissed him on the hair. And then he turned around and they kissed on the lips.” A perfect analogy for Splendour in the Grass 2016.
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Image by James Adams
By Alistair Klinkenberg
HERE’S TOM AND IZZY FROM THE PREATURES LOADING IN ON SATURDAY MID-MORNING—They’d just finished playing a charity gig that morning, and despite it being early, were in high spirits.
THE PREATURES
Tom the bassist resisted shaving his beard off prior to their Splendour show (today at the GW McLennan Tent at 8:45) and he also reportedly enjoys a cigarette more than your average bear. The Preatures are just one of a number of bands from the inner west of Sydney; there’s
a bona fide presence at Splendour this year, Sticky Fingers, DMA’s, Green Buzzard, World Champion and more, are all from Sydney. And they’ve all come up together. Don’t call this a movement. The Preatures show today is their last show
with guitarist Gideon Benson, who’s one of the founding members of the band. So if you’ve got a soft spot in your heart for The Preatures, make sure you get along and see this lineup for the last time. ₴
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BREAKING NEWS: LISMORE PRISON BREAK
Image by James Adams
SEVEN RULES FOR STARTING A BAND By Jason Crombie
SO, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE THINKING ABOUT STARTING A BAND—you’ve had a few jam sessions over at Scott’s house, and you’ve even written a couple of original songs. That’s great. I’m happy for you; being in a band is the most fun thing in the world–and you know how I know that? I used to be in a band. Super Dracula lasted all of two months and never once ventured out of bass player Norman’s garage. We had no original songs, we couldn’t adequately cover anyone else’s, and mostly we just drank beer and shot the breeze. On all counts Super Dracula was a complete failure, but because of Super Dracula I now feel qualified to dole out Rock N’ Roll advice–so here are my top seven no-nos for bands. ONLY ONE GUY CAN WEAR AN INTERESTING HAT. I like hats too, but if everyone in the band is wearing one you’ll just look like a bunch of pricks that went hat shopping. One band member at a time should wear a hat, and only if they absolutely have to. I can only think of
a few instances where an onstage hat worked: Tracy Pew in the Birthday Party, Slash in Guns n’ Roses, and Carmen Miranda. Trust me, one hat maximum.
“YOU’LL JUST LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF PRICKS THAT WENT HAT SHOPPING.” WEAR YOUR OWN T-SHIRTS Don’t wear other bands t-shirts when you perform–wear your own. The Ramones wore their own T’s, as did The Smiths and Motorhead. It should have been lame and conceited, but seeing Lemmy wearing his
own merch was awesome. You know who struts out onstage wearing other band’s t-shirts? 5 Seconds of Summer. I rest my case. NO HAIR PRODUCT Hair product is only ok if you have an upright bass player in your band. No one can respect a band that over-does its hair. Case in point– Green Day. I never believed those guys for a second. They’ve been keeping the lights on at the Bumble and Bumble factory since 1990 and look where it got them: Broadway. That’s not punk rock, that’s where my mum goes when she visits New York. DON’T MAKE MUSIC THAT APPEALS TO LAWYERS AND STOCKBROKERS. If lawyers and stockbrokers are turning up to your gigs, you should throw in the towel. It’s over. You suck. Or stick with it and get rich, you despicable piece of shit. Can’t tell if your fans are lawyers and stockbrokers? Go see the Dave Mathews Band and take a look at the characterless blobs that turn out for that shit. Yuck. ₴
ENTER THE VORTEX OF THE GLOBAL VILLAGE By Monique Penning
IF YOU LEAVE SPLENDOUR ON MONDAY—and didn’t venture into the Global Village once, then you’ve made one huge, Brexit-sized mistake. Kate Little, who curates and oversees Splendour’s Global Village, says that it’s a way for people to actively participate in the festival and explore their creative potential. “The festival experience comes from stepping outside of your own reality. It’s a chance to play, dress up, and explore different concepts of who you are,” she tells me. So if you’re reading this then it’s not too late. Here’s some stuff you can do, and fear not cheapos, most of it’s free. Let us walk you through the village. BOHEMIAN LOUNGE Bollywood, African dance, live airbrush paint performances, Hawaiian dance, slackline, sunset drumming and circus workshops every day. Pretty much everything you don’t do in your real life. You can pretend to be a whirling dervish from Istanbul named Ivan when really you’re parking inspector Shane from Parramatta, but it doesn’t matter! Go bonkers. In Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, did they leave the dad’s Ferrari in the garage? No they didn’t and they had an awesome day. Which means you need to take your Ferrari (body) out of your
garage (tent), make use of it and head to yoga. Liquido Active will have an installation where people can participate in mandala drawings, and there will be at least two yoga classes per day, ranging in styles. Morning classes will restore you in the morning and afternoon classes will help you to build energy in the afternoons for the long night ahead. So, fuel your vehicle. You didn’t drive all the way here on a tank full of hopes and dreams. When you eat Chicken McNuggets you don’t know what you’re really getting. It’s the same with Brunswick Picture House Cheeky Cabaret, but in a good way. These international cabaret performers tour the world and are in very high demand, with tickets to some of their shows going for a couple hundred dollars. Now that you know how lucky you are, go see them for free on Sunday night, on the hour, every hour from 6pm. THE WORLD STAGE Bienvenido to the very first year of World Stage. Listen to musicians and styles from all over the world, including Caribbean, Latin American, Maori, Japanese Taiko, The Gyuto Monks of Tibet, Cambodian rock and more. Enjoy this diverse line-up, alongside the interactive 3D animation from Joe Crossley,
whose works have been on show at Vivid and Burning Man. Inspired by indigenous art from around the world, visit the stage after dark to paint, draw and co-create paintings which will be incorporated into the stage design. THE ELECTRIC GARDEN SILENT DISCO Bigger and even better in a new venue, you can come and go all night. Lose your friends then lose yourself in the garden of delight and deliciousness, with sub-tropical installations and incredible visual projections that will distract others so you can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld till your knee pops out. THE HEALING SANCTUARY Do you feel like a stale bikkie? Go get a massage, visit a healer, check out the herbal apothecary or get your tarot read to see if the cutie you made eye contact with in the line to get a cold tinnie is your forever and always. So practice your tumbling, drink chai on the green, explore the markets, chant with monks or drum in a circle, because come next week you’ll probably be back at work and the fun police in HR aren’t going to take too kindly to the slackline you’ve set up in the office. ₴
By Josh Rakic BYRON BAY AND GOLD COAST POLICE ARE ON THE LOOK OUT FOR THREE MEN AND ONE WOMAN—dangerous and believed to be armed, who escaped from Lismore’s High Security Prison late last night. Brothers Joe and Wayne King, both serving 12 years, along with cellmate and notorious bikie Mike Hunt, were believed to be assisted by prison guard Fonda Dix—a suggested sleeper insider who’s understood to be a cousin of Hunt and reside in Billinudgel on the NSW Far North Coast. Police have cordoned off the area and are urging locals to remain vigilant and alert. Lismore police Capt Stan Still: “We know they’re armed, we know they’ve got transport and we know they’re dangerous. We don’t know a lot else at this stage but what we do is that Miss Dix, an employee of the prison and approximately 38 years of age—if I had to guess—is the registered owner of a 2007 white Toyota Corolla with Queensland plates that we expect was the getaway vehicle. Hunt is approximately 5’10, brown hair, short back and sides and bearded. Twin brothers Wayne and Joe King are 6’1, also bearded with short back and sides.” All three were arrested three months ago in the vicinity of North Byron Parklands, where police discovered $223,000 of stolen money in a shallow hole. AFP (Australian Faux press)
MIKE BAIRD RESIGNS By Josh Rakic NSW premier Mike Baird has announced his shock resignation from parliament effective immediately, after footage emerged of the 48-year-old consuming alcohol in an illegal after hours Sydney venue with Barangaroo casino owner James Packer and new wife, Mariah Carey. After introducing the much maligned lockout laws which have seen countless late night bars, restaurants and businesses close in and around the Sydney CBD, Baird had become a pariah in his home city but remained steadfast in not only maintaining the laws but tightening them. It’s understood singer Carey, 46, shared a photo of Baird and Packer on her Instagram account at 3.42am, which was quickly retweeted and shared by her 3.8million followers before she realised she hadn’t cropped the Premier out. A statement read: “My resignation as NSW Premier is effective immediately. Firstly, I’d like to apologise to my cabinet and peers. And most importantly, to the people of Sydney. If anything, my error in judgement should serve as testament to the benefits of the CBD lock-out laws, proof that when under the influence of alcohol even good blokes make terrible decisions that will have life-time impacts. I wish Troy Grant luck in assuming my position and know he’ll lead the party well. I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologise to my wife and children, who believed me to be outof-state on parliamentary work when the infringement took place. I meant no harm. I’m just a good bloke down on his luck.” AFP (Australian Faux press)
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Image by Lincoln Jubb
THE A TO Z OF DANCE MUSIC ON SPLENDOUR SUNDAY By Elliot Struck
WELCOME TO SUNDAY—today is for dancing. As Giorgio Moroder said, “People will always want to dance,” (even after two days of festivus!). Here’s an alphabetic rundown of everything dance music that you will love (and some things you already have loved) at Splendour In The Grass Sunday. A—is for the The Avalanches, and the waves of euphoria that are still washing over you from their Friday evening journey. It’s also for Amateur Dance, and if you’re one of those wonderful people who arrive to a festival shortly after opening time, then this gent will ease you back into motion today via his particular brand of deep sea… house? Yeah, let’s call it house. B—is for Blake, James Blake, who ain’t dance music in the traditional sense but when the right moment occurs within his set, trust me: Your body will move. More specifically, the 1:39 mark of ‘Retrograde.’ C—is for camping, which by this point you’re likely regretting. But that’s all part of the fun. And, it just means less distance between you and the dance floor. D—is for Duke Dumont, and the DJ set he’s playing on the Mix Up stage. It’s also for dancing. Duh. The Duke has been slaying over the last few years, perfectly balancing that line of radio-friendly classic house (not dissimilar to Disclosure). If being transported to an Ibiza beach at Sunset sounds like something you might enjoy, then… 8:30, you know the place. E—is for Ecstasy - you ever see that 1992 rave documentary? F—is for Flume. How could it not be the darling of Australian dance music? Kid has gone from Northern Beaches computer nerd to millionaire rockstar who drives the same Tesla as Elon Musk (it parks itself). ‘Skin’ was a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, Harley’s penchant for unique sounds is becoming more apparent with every new
track. He shut down Coachella and brings the same live show to the same headline slot tonight. Even if his music isn’t your thing, this is probably something you should expose yourself to. G—is for Golden Features. Wanna get your face blown off with deep, dark house? (Actually, it’s a far better experience than it sounds). Mix Up stage at 6:45, the masked Australian always brings the energy.
“KID HAS GONE FROM NORTHERN BEACHES COMPUTER NERD TO MILLIONAIRE ROCKSTAR WHO DRIVES THE SAME TESLA AS ELON MUSK (IT PARKS ITSELF).” H—is for hungover, which you most certainly are. But that’s why you’re here. Shake it off. Head to Truck Stop and demolish a mac n’ cheese. Lean into a Captain Morgans. And… you’re back! I—is for The Internet (the band). Uh, 4:00 at Mix Up. The perfect Sunday afternoon slot for their silky brand of RnB. ‘Girl,’ featuring Kaytranda, will be a highlight. J—is for Jagwar Ma. 5:15 on the MixUp stage, and unmissable. Jono Ma, who made his name with Lost Valentinos, and Gab Winterfield (the unmistakable
voice of Ghostwood), along with bassist Jack Freeman, make baggy, Manchesterinfluenced low fi rave. It’s Happy Mondays meets Oasis through a Sydney landscape lens, performed hypnotically. K—is for Kai, who sings on Flume’s hit ‘Never Be Like You,’ and she may make an appearance if you’re real lucky. At very least, you’ll be bumping to the song at around 11:30. L—is for Love. Don’t laugh. If you’re here for the dance vibes, you’ll have a moment, at some point, where you stop, look around, and become overwhelmed by the togetherness and euphoria you’re surrounded by. That’s what dance music is about. And that’s why you came. M—is for the Mix Up Stage, where, presumably, since you’re reading this, you’ll spend most of today. Favouring electronicsbased artists, the MU tent is crucial to Splendour given the 2016 music landscape. And, it doesn’t disappoint. N—is for North Face, jacket of choice for the dance youth of today, and especially when attending a mid-winter festival beneath the fabulously unpredictable skies of Byron Bay. Zip up. O—is the shape your mouth will make just before that 808 kick starts straining the speakers. It’s also for ‘O B 1,’ Jagwar Ma’s new song. Bless ‘em. P—is for Prince. Expect to hear a lot of remixes of this man throughout the day. It’s one of the best and worst things about DJs – when an iconic musician dies, festivals for the following six months are incapable of running without at least 20 percent of the lineup mixing the song by the deceased that meant the most to them. Me? I’d be dropping Late Nite Tuff Guy’s version of ‘Controversy.’ Brrrrr. Q—is for the questionable dance moves you’ll be engaging in by, oh, let’s say, 7:30pm, after three days of… this. R—is for The Rave. This is more a
school of belief than a physical thing you’ll find at Splendour. Though, it will manifest itself physically in some instances. Likely at the letter T (read on). S—is for the Smirnoff Tent, formerly the Red Bull tent, where any self-respecting dance music aficionado will undoubtedly find themselves at various points over the weekend. For you, it is a safe haven, somewhere you can go and move anytime you’re between headline acts of interest. T—is most certainly for Tipi Forest, and always will be. T is also for Total Giovanni. But, mostly Tipi Forest, a Splendour institution, literally filled with Tipis, hay, captained by everything from deep, deep techno to psy-trance. The latter is too much for me, but if you’ve ever wanted to go to a bush doof without the week long commitment, this is your chance for a taste. U—is for ‘Uncertainty,’ one of my favourite Jagwar Ma songs. Sorry, I really like Jagwar Ma. Seriously don’t miss them. V—is for volume. More, more, more! W—is for Wafia, on the Tiny Dancer stage at 6. If you like moody RnB with female vocals, this could be your jam. Wafia is part of the Future Classic family, and they have a rather good track record. W is also for the World Stage, which, bless its sweatsoaked cotton socks, shan’t be where you’ll be found today. X—is for xylophone, which you won’t hear today, but if you take any advice you’ve read here, you will hear Roland SH-101s, Junos, Jupiters, 808s, 909s and 303s, Korg M1’s, Dave Smith Prophets, and more. The wild world of synthesis is one of the most fun to spiral down… know your sounds. Y—is for yesterday, when you put a kink in your neck throwing your hair around to What So Not. But, you don’t really regret it, do you? Some vodka will help. Z—is for zen. It’s been three days of vivid living. So go home and get some of it. ₴
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BE FAMOUS #THEDAILYSPLENDOUR
Michael Kiwanuka is a British protagonist of the soul revival. Yes that’s right folks, soul music’s back, and that’s not a bad thing by a long shot. Michael’s the son of Ugandan parents who fled the country and settled in London and get this, Michael’s second album Love and Hate just yesterday hit the top of the charts in the UK. If that’s not cause for celebration then I don’t know what is. If we manage to birth this paper in time, I’ll got to the bar and buy him a cocktail. Photo: Jason Domancie
@the1975 killing it at #sitg on Day 1 @dj_enzime
Not a bad life. Other than the whole ant and spider situation of last night... @mal_ev__
CONTIKI MARIGOLD MAJESTIC Protect yo neck while getting the daily news @monsterchildren @_sammyjones
Deadline party #2 #thedailysplendour @hungerford_pike
Yesterday Contiki had a party and we all got completely covered in coloured fairy powder. Part of Contiki’s Eternal India trip, the party payed tribute to the Holi festival, which is a traditional Hindu festival that takes place in the spring. The colour throwing was accompanied by non other than DJ Sampology, and as you can imagine, it was quite the bash. Obviously the black and white format of our dear paper doesn’t quite do justice to the vitality of the event, but trust me, it was bright. ₴
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“WHO CARES? I’M JUST HAPPY TO NOT BE AT WORK, WANKING OFF HORSES.”
“SPLENDOUR? I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE SISTERHOOD OF THE GOLDEN INTENTION WINTER SOLSTICE ART FAIR.”
“VIOLENT SOLO, KING BUZZARD LUZZARD, BAND OF PONIES, AND THE FLUMES.”
“I’M ONLY HERE BECAUSE I HEARD FART LEOPARD MIGHT BE PLAYING A SURPRISE SHOW.”
Greg Shits Stud Hand. Bega, NSW
Karen Fuckbuckle. Witch. Surryhills, NSW
Tim Snot. Self Employed. Engels, NSW
Morag Bangahammer. Web developer. Brunswick, VIC
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Image by Bunny Racket
LET ALL THE CHILDREN BOOGIE Alistair Klinkenberg By BUNNY RACKET IS BRINGING ROCK ’N’ ROLL TO THE ANKLE BITERS— The sheer volume of media designed to entertain kids in 2016 is undownloadable. But, for all the apps, games, and gadgets that you can plug your kids into so that you don’t have to talk to them at the dinner table, there’s something missing. It’s music. We never really got much further than The Wiggles in the kids music sphere, and that just didn’t sit right with muso Andy Jenkins. So, he started Bunny Racket—a no-nonsense rock band whose frontman is a giant rabbit called King Bunny. “It’s basically about getting kids involved in rock and roll, collaborating, art and loud guitars,” says Andy, who’s just got back to Australia from BR HQ, a studio in Joshua Tree in the States. Bunny Racket is Andy and former Kyuss drummer Brant Bjork, and their first album Rock and all Animals, is recently a wrap. “It’s a project that I’ve been working on with Brant for a couple of years,” continues Andy, “and it came about as a result of us being lifelong rockers, and finding ourselves in the period of our lives where we—and a lot of our friends—now have families, and there’s now always kids around.” Talking to Andy, you can tell that his latest venture is something that he’s super excited about, and I can’t help but get the impression that it’s tied into a general excitement of being a new(ish) dad, and coming to the realisation of all the awesome new stuff he can revisit and introduce his “little dude” to. The idea of “shared experience” is paramount to the Bunny Racket ethos. “Rock and roll’s still very much seen as an adult thing,” Andy explains. “The shared learning thing is what’s getting me excited the most, I think. Being able to really dig something, and then your kid seeing that
you’re into it, and eventually conversing with them going, ‘Oh, these bands used to play when I was a kid, and this is why I used to like them etc…’ ” Having listened to a few unreleased Bunny Racket tracks, it’s clear that the songs are going to be an awesome vehicle for parents to introduce kids to the bands they love; the inf luences are so clear in the Bunny Racket songs. And that’s completely deliberate on Andy and Brant’s part.
“IT’S THE RAMONES, KISS,THE MISFITS, ACDC, SABBATH, ALL THAT STUFF, MEETS… THE CAT IN THE HAT.” “It’s The Ramones, Kiss, The Misfits, ACDC, Sabbath, all that stuff, meets…The Cat in the Hat,” Andy states proudly. As well as the album—which will be released in September purely on vinyl (a deliberate ploy on Andy’s part to tie in with Bunny Racket’s historical rock ideals), the Bunny Racket mob are also releasing a web series designed to compliment the album. For each track on the album (15)
there’s a ten minute clip that explains where King Bunny was at the time of the track’s conception (both in place and headspace) and the other animals that were involved in the collaborative process of laying down the track. “It’s teaching kids about rock and roll culture and collaborating with other artists,” explains Andy. “The history of rock and fun and games really. And it’s something that all of us bigger kids can get into as well. It’s pretty much the funnest project that I’ve ever done in my life. And I get to ask all of these amazing musicians if they want to be a part of it, whether that’s being in the live show, or the web series, or recording.” One of the biggest coups of Bunny Racket, is that the man laying down the lead guitar licks on the album is none other than Robby Krieger from The Doors. One can’t help but wonder how difficult conveying the idea of a band fronted by a giant bunny rabbit to established musicians is, but Andy says that Robby was into the concept from the start. “Robby’s 70 and his kid Waylon is like, 45,” laughs Andy. “So he’s well past the little kid stage. But he’s so into bringing music to children and getting kids to learn from their parents and their parents’ friends rather than the TV screen. And he’s a big advocate of getting music back into school curriculums in the States, as it’s been taken out almost completely. Most schools in America don’t teach music, and he’s put together a programme to get music back. Music’s the ultimate way to learn if you’re into it. Keeps the brain active.” From the personal experience of growing up in a vaguely conservative environment, I know that the moral panic associated with Rock ’n’ Roll—sex, drugs, throwing TVs out of windows—is still a factor that prevents some parents from introducing
their kids to the good stuff too early. I ask Andy if Bunny Racket was a conscious decision to steer the Rock ’n’ Roll narrative away from this sentiment. “That was never the intention,” he replies. “Clearly we’re not going to teach our kids about the deep, dark recesses of rock and roll, and some of the places that we’ve all been. But, all the good stuff, all the important stuff that makes sense, is where we’re coming from. And if you’re a rocker yourself, y’know, it’s not all about getting loose. It’s about feeling empowered through music and feeling that other people are into what you’re into. You’re not alone, there’s this cool thing happening. If that’s something that you can turn kids onto early, then that’s great.” Splendour in the Grass will be the first live outing for Bunny Racket, and Andy’s rounded up the Australian muso mafia to help. Hamish Rosser from The Vines and Wolfmother is on the skins, Dean Sutherland from Skunkhour on bass, and Dave Jackson from the New High (aka Jack Rabbitson) on guitar. A bunch of really established musicians dressed as giant bunnies playing loud Rock ’n’ Roll about Jaguars and how a chicken is not a fruit, sounds like the epitome of a wacky good time to me, and you get the feeling that Andy shares this sentiment. Bunny Racket will be debuting their live show at the Little Splendour, the area where the small people can run free. It’s an area of the festival where, in Andy’s words, “Your lanyard is a child, and it’s awesome.” You get the feeling that this statement might well be applied to other areas of Andy’s life, not just his debut Bunny Racket show. Bunny Racket will be playing at Little splendour on Sunday 2:00-3:00pm. ₴
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The Internet are taking to the Mix Up stage today, and they’re bringing a whole lot of hype with them. At the time of writing the band haven’t even landed in the country, having just played the Fuji Rock festival, but you can be sure that they’re going to bring the fire. If you want to see one of the most controversial and hyped up acts around at the moment then you should head to the Mix Up stage today at 4:00, we’re sure it’ll be anything but dull. Image by Columbia Records.
Presented by
&
DISCOVER THE FUTURE OF MUSIC . BRISBANE . SEP 7-9
BIGSOUND FESTIVAL 150 BANDS . 15 VENUES . 1 WRISTBAND . BIGSOUND.ORG.AU
T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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Classifieds by Jason Crombie
NEVILLE’S TELE-PORTA-LOO Why waste time on planes, trains and automobiles when you can be instantly transported home via my magnificent Tele-Porta-Loo? Hi, I’m Neville. Teleportation used to be the stuff of science fiction, but after six-months of blood, sweat and tears in my shed, I’ve made it a reality. They said it couldn’t be done, but I did it, and right now, for the low price of $ 20, you can step inside my wondrous Tele-Porta-Loo and be instantly delivered to real (look it up) places like:
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DIGNITY. I lost my dignity at the Cure show last night. I was really excited and started jumping up and down and chanting ‘Yay! Yay! Yay!’ Then I did the robot for thirty minutes while everyone looked on in horror. Then I farted and followed through. 0406-650-430 COOL FEATHER. I found this really cool feather. It’s like grey but when you hold it a certain way you can see some green and purple in it. I was gonna keep it but I figured a feather this special must belong to someone. If you don’t want it, can I have it? 0406-650-430 LEATHER JACKET. I’m serious you guys; I want my leather jacket back. I’ve had some real ups and downs lately and I just feel like if I could get my leather jacket back things might turn around for me. It’s my leather jacket, not yours, mine. Give back my leather jacket. It’s made of leather and it’s a jacket. 0406-650-430 SMALL POUCH. I found a small pouch containing some pebbles, a crayon, two human teeth, and a piece of dreadlock. If this is your pouch please don’t call me. I’m afraid of you. 0406-650-430 JOKE. I lost the lost the set up for a really good joke and now I can’t tell it. Here’s punch line: And then the dad says, ‘Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?’ That’s all I got. Help! 0406-650-430
MISSED CONNECTIONS MEET ME AT BOY & BEAR W4M I saw you in the food hall. You had a beard, a tidy haircut, a vest, pursed lips, and you looked really sensitive. If this you, meet me at The Boy & Bear show tonight so we can be soft and maudlin together. GIRL IN TEEPEE FOREST M4W I overheard you in the teepee forest bragging to friends that you’d been to SoHo, actually, and it really wasn’t violent at all. You sound worldly and exotic. Do you like turmeric lattes? Would love to be friends, or more… SANDWICH AT BUS STOP M4SANGA This is a long shot, but are you that sandwich I saw at the Belconnen Community Bus Station? You were in Glad Wrap and smelled of eggs. If this is you, please call me. I’d like to make you into a series of short, sharp farts. RED-HOT HAIRY GUY! W4M You have long hair, a bushy beard, one eyebrow, and some snot on your face. I’ve seen you smashing bottles behind the Marrickville Woolworths. Your nametag says ‘Amos’. If you read this, please get in touch.
FORGED DOCTOR’S LETTERS
No one wants to go back to work tomorrow–especially
you.
But
your boss knows where you’ve been the last three days, so calling
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in sick is out of the question. But what if you called in sick AND presented a convincing letter from a professional GP? For $20 I will write you a super-believable doctor’s letter stating that you are unfit to work. Maladies include: • Crabs • Scabies • The Clap • Ebola • Sores of the Dick • IBS • That One Christopher Reeve Had • Polio Don’t go to work–call me now! 0406-650-430
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DR BILL
By Alistair Klinkenberg
DR BILL’S A ROCK ’N’ ROLL DOCTOR— Not a doctor with a rock ’n’ roll state of mind, but a medical professional that deals with musicians. Bill’s the official doctor for Splendour in the Grass, and he’s seen it all, but unfortunately he’s only allowed to tell you about some of it due to confidentiality. “I’ve been doing rock ’n’ roll doctoring for 25 years,” Bill tells us backstage. “I was a bodyguard before I became a doctor, I think I might be the only doctor/bodyguard in the world.” It was body guarding that lead Bill to medical school, as when he was touring with bands, he saw that healthcare for musicians—and all the people who travel with them—was seriously lacking. “Rock ’n’ roll and the music industry is my family,” Bill explains. “So I feel like I’m giving back to the industry that’s given me everything.” Bill goes on to tell us that the main problem with being a rock doctor is that your patients are never in the same spot for more than a few days, and that the toll that the lifestyle takes on your health are real. “Rock ’n’ roll is brutal,” says Bill. “I’ve seen the toll that it can take on your body. Everything from suicide, depression, poor health, heart attacks, you name it.” That fact that the production teams: roadies, sound tech’s etc. are constantly travelling makes it super hard for them to seek medical attention when they need it. “It’s difficult caring for such a transient crowd,” Bill tells us. “They just do not have the time to go and see anyone. They get one day off and they’re buggered. Then they can’t get in to see anyone, or don’t know where to go. That’s just not good enough for me.” Dr Bill’s also set up a company called Hemisphere with his business partner Matt
Crawford (who’s also Mick Jagger’s bodyguard) and they’ve created a network of doctors who’re solely focused on the rock world for medical and security needs. “I have so many amazing doctors who are kindred spirits and understand rock medicine,” explains Bill. “So I have a network all around the world and I plug all of my tours into my doctors so we can provide the best care possible around the world.” Some of Dr Bill’s clients include: The Rolling Stones, The Foo Fighters, Nitro Circus and more. Bill’s been working at Splendour in the Grass for a number of years, and he explains that a lot of his work at the festival is centred around reducing non-appearance of acts, and festival health. “I’ve got so many stories about acts that we’ve saved from pulling out,” says Bill. “My motto is that the show must go on. If you’re proactive rather than reactive, then the probability of a failure from any kind of health crisis is diminished. Jess and Paul (Splendour’s co-founders) are proactive visionaries when it comes to festival health. And I admire that they’re prepared to spend money to set up the infrastructure to support the festival medical needs. For the acts and patrons who attend this iconic festival.” Splendour this year has also implemented the Medshed concept, which provides onsite GPs and pharmacists to supply medical supplies to patrons in need. After talking to Bill, the need for specialist doctors for a festival like Splendour in the Grass is so apparent, no matter how funny ‘rock doctor’ sounded at the start. So please, if you do yourself a mischief at Splendour, go and see Dr Bill and his team at the Medshed. They’ll put you back together. ₴
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MONSTER CHILDREN 51 ON SALE NOW
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T H E DA I LY SPLEN DOU R: S unday, 24 July, 2016
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