Creating Connection with a Child: The Four R’s of Attunement

WRITTEN BY ALLY DZURKA

We all have trouble connecting with one another now and then. Sometimes, it can feel like we are speaking different languages or just talking “at” one another instead of “with” each other. Connecting with a child who is experiencing something difficult can be especially challenging.

Attunement

is a crucial piece in connecting and building an effective relationship with a child. By attuning, you are allowing yourself to be in the child’s shoes and understand their experience. In turn, the child can recognize you are not trying to problem-solve them out of their emotions, but rather, see and accept them for who they are. Once this connection takes place, additional interventions can be implemented and will likely be more effective due to the safe and trusting relationship that has been established.

The Four R’s of Attunement Communicating in the moment when emotions are heightened can be especially tough. But if you can remember the four R’s of attunement, you can use them as a tool to help navigate these conversations in the moment.

1. Read

Take a minute to read the child’s body language, tone of voice, expression.

2. Resonate

Can you think of a time you felt the feeling the child is experiencing? How were you feeling in that moment? Put yourself in the child’s shoes.

3. Reflect

Reflect their experiences in a nonjudgmental way that the child can understand. Some examples may sound like, “Oh, wow, that sounds hard.” Or, “I don’t know what to say right now. Thank you for sharing with me.”

4. Repair

Being a human means making mistakes, and there is power in saying “I am sorry.” Making time to repair with a child is invaluable in building and modeling healthy, healing relationships.

Attunement in Action: Jimmy’s Difficult Day in Library

Jimmy is a 9-year-old boy who started third grade at a new school this year. While there are other kids at his school he enjoys playing with at recess and talking to in class, he misses his friends from his old school.

Recently, Jimmy had a difficult time in library. He has always loved reading books with his parents, and he and his friends often read Diary of a Wimpy Kid together. He was hoping to check out the most recent Diary of a Wimpy Kid book so he could discuss it with his friends from his old school when he saw them over the weekend. Jimmy realized one of his classmates checked out the book already, so he threw his hands in the air and exclaimed, “That’s not fair!” Then, he left the library and sat outside the door with his arms crossed, head down and tears in his eyes.

How would you attune with Jimmy in this moment?

1. Read

You might notice Jimmy raised his voice and threw his hands in the air when he exclaimed “That’s not fair!” Following the distressing event, you might also notice Jimmy appears closed off with head down, arms crossed and sitting away from the rest of the class outside the library with tears in his eyes.

2. Resonate

Can you think of a time you felt disappointed or had unmet expectations? Jimmy expected to check out Diary of a Wimpy Kid so he could catch up with his friends and his excitement was met with disappointment when the book was not available. Connect with this experience within yourself and put yourself in Jimmy’s shoes.

3. Reflect

In this situation, you may or may not know that Jimmy and his friends from his old school used to read Diary of a Wimpy Kid together, so let’s assume we don’t know this. To reflect Jimmy’s experience, you may say “It seems like you really wanted to check out Diary of a Wimpy Kid, and it’s disappointing you couldn’t get it.”

The level of reflection may vary depending on the relationship. If there is a strong relationship between you and Jimmy, you may bring attention to his closed-off body language by saying something like, “I noticed you separated from the class and your arms are crossed. Not getting that book must’ve been difficult.”

4. Repair

In repair, it’s important that we do not make assumptions about the child or their experience. Repair is a great time to own our mistakes and convey unconditional positive regard toward the child, meaning you will accept them no matter what they do. For Jimmy this may sound like, “That was really difficult for you. Let’s find a different way to work through it next time.” Conveying a message of togetherness and hope can help the child feel less overwhelmed and alone in their struggles.

At Intermountain, our developmental-relational model focuses on understanding children through a developmental lens to identify areas in which we can help them heal. The most important tool we use to facilitate healing is building close relationships with our clients and their families, thus much of our work focuses on relationship building to truly understand and support the clients and families we work with.

Ally Dzurka is an Intermountain Comprehensive School and Community Treatment counselor at Smith Elementary in Helena. A nationally recognized nonprofit, Intermountain provides a variety of mental and behavioral health services in Helena, Bozeman, Billings and the Flathead Valley, as well as other communities that are served through telehealth services. Learn more at intermountain.org.