Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

Question 1.

My kids don’t want to go to any of the camps I’m suggesting, and I don’t want it to be a battle at drop-off. What can I do?

Answer:

First, I just want to relate to this and say that one of my kids often has negative feelings when I first introduce an idea of trying something new. The overall approach I recommend is to validate the feelings while holding a boundary and using a strategy that uses the acronym C.A.R.:

Connect: “Oh honey, I hear that you are not wanting to go to this camp. Tell me about that.” Then listen.

Acknowledge that the feeling is normal: “I hear you. That is not your favorite. And some places are not our favorite. It’s OK to feel that way.”

Redirect: Shift into solutions, while holding the boundary. “We will be doing this camp, so I wonder what ideas you have for how we can make it better?” You may be really shocked at your child’s suggestions. And if they continue to stay resistant, you can end with some version of “I love you AND the answer is no.” For example, “I love you AND this is the camp we are doing.”

Question 2:

We had our second child this fall, and my toddler has been acting out a lot. She has a lot of tantrums and she will even grab me and hit me when she is angry. I try to stay calm and collected, but I find myself wanting to scream – I’m so overwhelmed. I really want to find better ways to communicate with her that will be effective so we have fewer tantrums, less aggression and she will listen to us better.

Answer:

First off, it’s very normal for it to be a challenging transition when an additional child enters the family. The good news is, research now shows that jealousy of the new baby is not a response that generally sticks. In How to Raise Kids who aren’t A$$holes, studies showed that, “Children most often have a mix of both positive and negative feelings toward a sibling.” And the best way we can help the child work through any negative feelings is to validate those feelings, while keeping limits on behavior.

When a child feels big angry or sad feelings, lean into it and let them know their feelings are normal, and then suggest a solution.

“You sound mad at the baby. Tell me about that.” (Pause for at least 30 seconds to listen. They may not start talking until 29 seconds in silence). And then suggest a redirection or solution, “Let’s get out some Play-Doh together.” Or, “We can put these on your ears when baby is crying, if that’s bothering you.”

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.

Secondly, it sounds like you have not known how to respond in a gentle way when she is expressing anger toward you. It’s totally normal to feel that way, and we can give you a clear roadmap forward. It’s important to hold kind and firm boundaries with your daughter’s hitting and hurting –even with you. Being a gentle, loving mama does not mean you have to be a punching bag or doormat for her emotions. And it’s not good for her to practice violence against anyone. It only offers the chance for that behavior to become more common.

Instead, I recommend setting a very clear boundary on behaviors that seem to be at the top of the anger curve, and having a plan of action, so you aren’t just telling her that hitting isn’t OK…You are showing her that hitting isn’t OK.

In many families the simplest definition of unacceptable behavior is “Hitting, harming or screaming.” That includes harming property, the dog, throwing, etc. It then helps to tell your child outside of any upset moment, “Honey, we are going to have a new plan. When you are not being a good boss of your body – like hitting, harming or screaming – you can take some space to calm down right here.” Note: this is NOT the old school time-out. I recommend something I call a “Reset,” which is defined more as a space to calm down and get back to your wise, wonderful self. With very young kids, you can call it a space to get back to being a good boss of their body. If you’d like a social story to help explain the moments when they have basically “flipped their lid,” you can find that FREE resource at Sustainableparenting.com.

I can’t determine for you what that calm down space will be. Every family must decide for themselves what feels right. Yet I can share that parents have chosen options ranging from using a high chair, a bench in the living room, the landing area of the stairs, or the child’s bedroom as locations for calming down. The key is that this is a clear space, agreed on in advance, for the child to safely reset to their calm self. This can be a very challenging shift to navigate on your own, so feel free to reach out for parent coaching support if you’d like assistance in that process.

To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.