4 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
Q: “I need some help with my daughter stealing. She’s 8 and has always been sneaky – taking my makeup, sneaking food, etc. She also takes food/toys out of her friends’ backpacks at school. It’s now gotten to the point where if a friend’s toy goes missing, they immediately think she took it. In the last six months, we have caught her shoplifting.
Today I found that she hid a yo-yo in her pants and was covering it up with the books I had just bought her. I did make her take the Yo-yo back to the owner and apologize. We have talked to her about the consequences: i.e., losing trust with family and friends, and getting arrested when she gets older. It’s as if she doesn’t care and is begging for the attention. I feel like I’m with her 24/7 and allow her to do a lot. It just feels so confusing. I find myself asking, “WHY on earth would she be doing this?!” I’m trying to find a psychologist or therapist for her, but everything is booked until next year.
A: First, I can tell you this is really normal. It’s very common for kids to test out getting things for free, without realizing the full ramifications of stealing. The biggest thing I see is that the outcome is too far away, such as having her think about getting the police called in the future.
It may seem harsh, but I think you need to come up with consequences in the present that fit the crime. Stealing is a pretty big offense, so I think a big consequence is needed for her to take ownership of that choice in a meaningful way. If she’s taking a toy from a friend, perhaps she has to pick five toys of hers and give them to that friend. (Make sure they aren’t her least favorite toys). Or maybe she could line up her five favorite toys and allow the friend to come over and pick two that she wants. Basically, we want to have a consequence that feels like it matches the intensity of the behavior.
As for her doing this for attention, I think it may actually be more about power. She may not feel she has much agency in earning money to buy things she wants. This could be a great opportunity to talk to her about options for making money (like a lemonade stand or mowing neighbors’ lawns).
Q: What is a realistic response to a 15-year-old spending lots of time in their room? Just give them space because it’s part of the teen years?
A: I think it’s a balance of respecting that and having expectations of family time. Maybe make an agreement in advance that you’d like her to be out of her room at least two hours a day. Or you’d like her in the family space at least from dinner until bed...or whatever feels like a good compromise and clear expectation.
I’d go to her letting her know you’d like time with her AND you want to respect her space, so you want to see how you can make an agreement together that works for her and you. Then ask, “What suggestions do you have that could work, in terms of an agreed time of day or amount of time that you spend in the family space? If you’re looking for a good resource on how to have these collaborative problemsolving discussions with your kids, I recommend reading Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child by Ross Greene, PhD.
It’s also a good idea to keep an eye on things in terms of noticing if she is not sleeping well, or sleeping excessive amounts or not eating much. These can be signs of depression, and in that case, I definitely recommend talking to her about the option of seeing her pediatrician and/or a counselor to begin medication and/or counseling.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
FLORA McCORMICK, LCPC
