4 minute read
Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q. My four-year-old has started to say “No!” to me when I ask her to do things. I get so frustrated. Regardless of what I say, she is disrespectful and won’t listen.
A. If you’re like many parents, you might feel like you’re saying no all day long.
“No, don’t touch that,” “No. You can’t do that” or “No, you can’t climb there!”
Of course we need to set limits, especially with young kids. However, the more we use the word no, the more we are likely to hear it. So, let’s consider some ways to save your no’s and use strategies that are more clear and clever to encourage cooperation and redirect behavior. In addition, if we are just ordering our kids around all day, they are likely to respond with “No.” Think about it. If you say, “Can you get your shoes on?” it’s really an open invitation for them to say, “No.” So let’s discuss of some more clever ways to encourage cooperation.
1. Focus on saying yes instead of no
Shifting attention from no to what is allowed often helps kids feel less restricted and encourages their curiosity. This approach invites cooperation and reduces the need for resistance.
For example, if a child reaches for something that isn’t safe, like a phone, try highlighting what’s OK to use instead. “Here, try this calculator, it has buttons to press.”
If the child asks for junk food, say, “It sounds like you are hungry. You can have an orange or an apple. Which of those would you like?”
If a child is using unkind words with a sibling, gently guide them to express their feelings in a kinder way: “It sounds like you’re upset; use your words to tell your sister you’d like her to stop.” By practicing this, kids start to understand limits in a positive way, learning what they can do instead. This simple shift creates more calm, helping both parents and kids feel a bit more connected.
2. Use gentle redirection language, with the phrase: “I notice…”
For example, instead of, “No, don’t pull his fur. You can’t do that to the dog.” You could say, “I noticed Benji is pulling away. He doesn’t like that.”
This gentle observation lets kids see the effect of their actions without feeling scolded. Framing it this way gives them a chance to think things over and respond differently, encouraging their independence. “I noticed” can also be helpful in sibling interactions.
For example, if playtime gets rough, instead of saying, “Stop fighting,” try, “I noticed things are getting loud and bodies are getting rough.”
This approach offers a chance for the child to self-reflect and, more often than not, this leads them to pause and self-correct. Don’t believe me? Give it a try! In the long run, “I noticed” statements foster more self-awareness and strengthen positive interactions, making it easier for kids to choose their own better actions in the future.
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
3. The power of saving “no”
Saving no for truly important moments makes it much more powerful. When kids hear “no” less often, they’re more likely to respond quickly when it’s a serious situation.
If a child is about to step into the street, a firm “No, stop!” stands out and gets their attention right away.
By using no only when it’s really needed, we help kids recognize that this is different from everyday limits. That doesn’t mean parents should give up structure; it’s just means using no wisely so that it keeps its impact. This approach can create a calmer environment, allowing no to remain a helpful tool, especially for teaching safety and respect.
By finding ways to save our no’s, we create a more peaceful and cooperative space for ourselves and our children. In addition, we are likely going the hear no less frequently from our kids. These small shifts can make a big difference, bringing more calm and connection to family life. By choosing our words thoughtfully, we encourage positive responses and build warmer, more respectful interactions in times of correction. Over time, we may notice that saying no has more impact, and our family bonds grow stronger, one gentle redirection at a time.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail. com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
