Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.

Q: “We are having our first baby and I’m just overwhelmed with the thought of becoming a parent. I mean people say it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and I want to do it well.”

A: When you are a new parent, there is advice everywhere and my top suggestion is to remember that your gut instincts will be your best guide in this whole process. If you are unsure, reach out for a real person who can hold your hand, give you a local resource or offer to connect you with an expert. With the endless resources on the Internet, you don’t have to go it alone. That aside, here are my other top three suggestions for you and your partner to help you step into parenthood successfully.

1. LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS

This may seem like a strange place to start, but I guarantee it’s the foundation for those who are happier in the first year of parenthood. Take a moment right now to close your eyes and picture what you imagine this year ahead will look like. If you are picturing that woman on Instagram with her hair perfectly curled, a body that “bounced back” in two days, making homemade sourdough while the baby is calmly sleeping as her partner gently sneaks up for a kiss… you may be setting yourself up for some disappointment.

If instead you are thinking there may be challenges with sleep, nursing, feeding, communication with your partner, your sex life, self-confidence, connection to friends and more… you are on a more realistic track. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer, I’m just trying to say that research has shown time and time again that if we have high expectations, we can set ourselves up to be very disappointed.

We may even end up thinking that we are failing, or somehow inept as a parent, when very common challenges occur. And we know that one in five parents experience some form of perinatal depression or anxiety. It’s more common than you think…to not feel normal.

So, take a pause in your visualization of the year ahead and consider adding space for self-talk like, “If we have challenges along the way, I know that is common, and I will seek support without criticizing myself.” (P.S. I want to gently promote the Roots Resource Guide that is included in this publication. It offers a wide range of professionals and organizations that can support you in everything from mental health to lactation or physical therapy).

2. LET THE SMALL THINGS BE BIG

I will never forget when I had my second baby and I was just so tired and exhausted. On top of my exhaustion, I felt so distant from my friends and husband because I had so little time and energy to connect with them. In a fog of sadness one day, I asked my husband to seek just small gestures of thoughtfulness. For example, “If you are at the gas station and grab my favorite candy bar or something…something that’s JUST about me, and not about our family or house, it would mean so much to me.” My husband (happy to just have some clear pathway to lift my spirits) started doing that, and the small shift started to have a BIG impact. Second, we began seeking small ways to feed our marriage, spending 10 minutes on a weekend answering silly questions (which you can find online). For example, “What’s your most embarrassing memory from high school?” Third, we each shifted from feeling like we had “no time for hobbies,” to seeking small steps for self-care. Instead of a full round of golf, my husband would hit balls at the driving range for 30 minutes. Instead of a full workout class, I would fit in a 30-minute run with raunchy dance music blaring in my headphones. We found that in each of these instances, when we focused on letting the small things feel BIG, we were happier.

3. MAKE AGREEMENTS IN ADVANCE

If you have been used to asking each other for what you need in the moment, it gets hard to do that when the baby is crying at 3 a.m. Without agreements in advance, one partner may take on more responsibilities and feel resentful of the other. Communication is so crucial in these early years. And it takes vulnerability to be willing to say what is really on your mind. So, it’s an important time to make as many decisions as you can outside of the moment. That doesn’t mean you have to predict all the possible situations, but it means that when you have a rough night of challenges with sleep or feedings, you take a moment the next day to plan in advance for what you want to do different the next night. Perhaps after a night of the baby cluster feeding (wanting to eat many times in a row, without much break in between), you make plans for your partner to do one of those feedings with a bottle so you can have a bit of a mental and physical break.

FLORA: To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.