Ask Flora

WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK

Q. Any time I ask my 8-year-old daughter to do something, she rolls her eyes at me and says something like, “I KNOW!” It’s infuriating. How do I get her to respond more respectfully?

A. Excellent question. This comes up for so many families, from ages 2 to 18! Here are two options to consider.

1. I’m curious if she is responding that way BUT…still doing what you asked? If so, this may be an opportunity to not react to her reaction. It may seem counter-intuitive, but this is the thing: You may be able to change this behavior by simply giving attention to the part you want to see MORE of. Focus on the positive part of her behavior, saying something like, “Thank you for getting the dishes put away. I really appreciate it.” This technique is based on the principle I learned from Psychology professor John Sommers Flanagan: “What gets noticed, gets repeated.”

2. Look for opportunities outside of the moment to ask her to manage her reactions differently. Often parents get into long lectures on these sorts of topics. I find that conversations that are short and super intentional tend to have a bigger impact. Here’s the key recipe:

>> Name it to tame it. Name what you think she is thinking or feeling in those moments that she is resistant: “It seems like you get frustrated when I ask you to do something.” Note: This is the hardest part. To stop and talk about our child’s feelings, instead of jumping in with lectures or facts that prove our point.

>> Express your boundary in 10 words or less: I don’t roll my eyes at you, or yell “I know!” when you talk to me. So, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t act that way towards me. In our family we choose to treat each other with respect.

(P.S. Side note here. If you’d like a tangible tool in your home to help build up character values like respect, kindness, leadership and more - check out the ChooseIntentionally.com. It’s my new favorite tool for building great character discussions into the everyday flow of our busy lives. Bonus! It’s created by a local mama!)

ASK for a solution (instead of telling the solution) - and use steps one and two: Reach back to step one and two and bring both of those factors into asking for a solution. In this example, that would sound like, “In the future, how else could you let me know you are frustrated, in a more respectful way?”

In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach. "TWO

Finally, explain a clear boundary with your child that shows the possibility of what I call “two roads.” Essentially, it illustrates that when they choose happy choices, it leads to happy results, and when they choose sad choices, it leads to sad results. ROADS"

“I just want to be clear. If you are able to use kinder words in the future, I’ll really be able to listen and talk through the problem. If you start shouting or making faces, I’m going to walk away.” If you’d like more help with how this can work most effectively, I’d be happy to help you more directly.

Q.My 5-year-old daughter got in trouble at school for horsing around and screaming in the bathroom, and I was told I really need to talk to her about it. My daughter said she didn’t yell; it was the other girls. What should I do?”

A:This kind of scenario can happen from the neighbor tattling, to a report from a teacher. So, I know it’s a situation many parents may encounter. Here are the three steps I recommend:

1. That may be: When she says reactive/defensive statements like “I didn’t do anything!” a simple and effective response is, “That may be.” Resist the urge to argue whether her position is the TRUTH or not. These truth investigations often just lead us down a rabbit trail and ramp up the argument, rather than keeping it solution-focused and emotionally calm.

2. The problem remains: Rename the GENERAL version of the problem: “Well, no matter the details, the teacher said something happened in the bathroom that wasn’t OK.”

3. Ask her to brainstorm a solution: “What could you do differently next time you are in the bathroom, so the teacher won’t be concerned?”

The younger the child, the more help they will need in creating one or two solutions for the future. However, I find this gives you great information to be able to share with the teacher. Instead of just an apology, you are helping your child to return to the teacher and share that “plan.”

To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, go to Flora's website SustainableParenting.com. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.