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Ask Flora
WRITTEN BY FLORA MCCORMICK
Q: Is it reasonable to give a consequence to my 8- and 10-year-olds if they aren’t doing the things that need to get done? Things like getting ready for school and bed, hanging up their towel after they shower, putting dirty clothes in the bin, unloading things from the car when they come in. My husband says it is “just parenting” to constantly remind them of these expectations and others as they grow because they are just kids.
A: How to Grow Self-Motivation and Responsibility
It can be frustrating when kids don’t follow through on things like getting ready for school, putting dirty clothes in the hamper or clearing their plate after meals—especially when they know what’s expected. You might wonder, “Why don’t they just do it?”
The good news is that motivation isn’t something kids either have or don’t have—it’s something that can grow with the right support. When kids feel included in decisions, get positive attention and have meaningful motivators, they are more likely to take responsibility on their own.
Let’s explore three ways to encourage self-motivation: family meetings, attention and meaningful motivators.
1. Family Meetings
Family meetings create a space where kids feel heard and included. I like the Positive Discipline model, which has three parts.
» Part 1 - Appreciation/compliment circle: Each family member has the rest of the family say a sentence to them that starts with “I appreciated…,” or “I enjoyed…” (something from the week).
» Part 2 - Solve one family challenge by brainstorming with the kids: For example, if mornings feel rushed, ask, “What could help mornings go more smoothly?” Write down all suggestions, even if some are silly, and respond by saying, “That’s certainly one idea. Let’s get a few more.” Maybe they suggest picking out clothes the night before or setting an alarm with Alexa in the morning to pack their backpack.
» Part 3 - End with something fun (ice cream sundaes, movie night or a game): By working together, kids feel more ownership over the solutions. And when kids feel capable and involved, they are more likely to follow through, and the result is your family working more with a team mentality.
In this column, you can ask your questions about parenting kids from ages 2 to 10 to Flora McCormick, Licensed Counselor & Parenting Coach.
2. Attention
Sometimes kids get distracted from tasks not because they don’t care, but because they’re looking for connection or attention. If reminders turn into a cycle of frustration, it might help to shift the focus from “getting it done” to “doing it together.”
For example, instead of saying, “Go clean your room,” try making it a shared experience. Play some music, set a timer for a quick clean-up race or tidy alongside them. If getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, try getting ready together.
3. Use “When, Then” Motivators
Make verbal agreements in advance or visual checklists that also offer privileges as a reward when tasks are completed. Then use “when…then…” language to let the reward be the nag (instead of you). For example: “As soon as you have gone potty and are dressed, then you can watch a show with breakfast.” Or, “Remember, when your bathroom and bedroom are clean, you are welcome to play with friends after school. If they aren’t…you aren’t.”
By making responsibilities feel clear and connected to things kids care about, followthrough becomes easier.
4. Natural Consequences
Yes. consequences are definitely reasonable when kids aren’t following through. One of the most effective ways kids learn responsibility is by experiencing ownership of the outcomes of their choices.
One mama I know decided to share with her kids that every time she has to nag/prompt the kids to go back and clean out the car, etc. it takes away time she needs to do other household tasks. So, if the girls use her time requiring reminders, they are assigned an extra task from mom’s list to make up for that lost time. Examples include mopping the kitchen, cleaning out old food from the fridge/ freezer, cleaning bathrooms, wiping kitchen appliances, etc. She said this natural consequence has made a huge impact on the girls’ ability to remember their small tasks, because — as one daughter put it: “It’s a lot faster to bring in my backpack than to have to help you wipe down all the counters.”
Helping kids grow self-motivation and responsibility takes time, but small changes can make a big difference. When they feel included in problem-solving, get positive attention and have clear motivators, follow-through becomes easier. With gentle guidance and a bit of playfulness, they start to take on more responsibility in a way that feels natural. Over time, they’ll gain confidence in handling their daily tasks and you’ll see more cooperation with less frustration. Keep focusing on connection, and progress will come.
To get more sanity-saving strategies for parenting young kids, join Flora’s Free Facebook Group: Sustainable Parenting. Questions for the next issue or wins/questions from this issue can be submitted to contactflora@gmail.com. A special thank you to those who submit monthly questions.
