Eight Basic Needs to Help Manage Stress

MENTAL HEALTH

Eight Basic Needs to HELP MANAGE STRESS

WRITTEN BY BECCA COVINGTON

Stress is something we all deal with on various levels. It can be caused externally or internally; it can be short-lived or feel never-ending.

We are more in control of our stress than we think.

I’ve struggled in my own life to ask for help, set and hold boundaries and even identify what I am feeling or thinking in a particular moment. These struggles have inevitably led me into stressful situations or made seemingly normal situations more stressful than they needed to be. Using yoga, attachment parenting techniques, mindfulness and other tools, I can better manage the stress in my life.

Less stress has meant more happiness and peace for me in each moment.

When I feel stress take over, it’s hard for me to:

» Help others with compassion » Slow down and find calm » Maintain a patience level of any kind » Think and speak clearly » Be present in the moment

Losing these abilities doesn’t help me or the situation at hand and can create more stress. With my first therapist years ago, I worked almost exclusively on two skills to help manage stress:

1. Being able to recognize when I started to become stressed or anxious

It might sound silly, but making breakfast for two used to ruin my mood and make my adrenaline kick in. During these many self-inflicted emotional breakfasts, I refused to ask my partner to help set the table or cut veggies when I felt I needed the help. Sometimes I would even get mad at him for not coming to my aid – because shouldn’t he just know I need assistance?!

As I practiced skill number one (admitting feelings of anxiety), I started to notice the physical signs associated with stress: my breath would leave, my mind would race, I would start moving too fast, often bumping into things or dropping things. A heightened awareness of my stress signals, along with some yoga techniques, became a new three-step ritual of mine to move toward peace and away from stress throughout the day.

MY THREE-STEP STRESSRELEASING RITUAL

Once I know I am stressed, anxious, feeling amped up, even detached or seeing another person as the problem, I CHOOSE to do things differently.

Sometimes I like to say out loud what I am feeling or have realized, such as, “I am stressed and feeling anxious and my head is spinning, so I am going to slow down and breathe.” It’s really powerful for the kids I work with (at Our Yoga) to see me take care of myself and model selfawareness and self-love.

The second step is to take three or more deep

BELLY breaths. When I am stressed my breath changes; maybe it leaves all together or becomes shallow. So, if emotions and stress change my breath, my breath should be able to change my stress and emotions. Breathing into my belly engages my parasympathetic nervous system – our rest and digest system – the opposite of our fight or flight system. It signals to the kids around me that I am focusing on being calm but also having a feeling. It is very healthy for them to see me deal with my stress in a safe way too.

Once I have recognized my stress and am breathing into my belly, the third step is to begin progressive relaxation. This relaxation technique helps me release tension from one body part at a time. I’ve found the muscles around my face, neck, shoulders and upper back often tighten when I’m stressed. To relax, I ask my muscles/body parts to soften one by one. For example, “I relax my eyes; my eyes are relaxed. I relax my jaw; my jaw is relaxed.”

This is a learned skill that I like to practice every night as I fall asleep. The more I use this technique in non-stressful situations, the easier it is for me to call on it when I really need it.

After becoming more aware of when/how/why I get stressed, I learned to practice skill number two – asking for help. This meant I had to figure out my needs first.

Fortunately, in 2017 I took Circle of Security Parenting (COS-P), an attachment-parenting course that gives adults skills to create meaningful, trusting relationships with their children. Specifically, COS-P helped me recognize eight basic needs we all have and how to assist children with these needs.

Once I started recognizing the needs in kids, I could see them in myself too and was able to slowly conquer asking for my own help. I also

found that asking for help BEFORE I really need it is an easy way to avoid unnecessary stress.

1. Help me

2. Enjoy with me

3. Delight in me (when I am happy and relaxed)

4. Watch over me

5. Comfort 6. Organize my feelings

7. Protection 8. Delight in me (when I am sad and angry)

These needs might seem obvious, but in reality, we often miss opportunities to meet these needs with those around us. Think about a time you needed someone just to comfort you, give you a hug and wipe your tears. But instead, they thought they’d give you advice and a better outlook would help. This is just one example of a good intention gone awry. If both parties knew how to better recognize these needs in themselves and each other, maybe the path to comfort (or whichever need it is) would be easier.

These eight needs can be grouped in two broader categories for simplification: (#1-4) SUGGESTIONS and (#5-8) SUPPORT

So, next time you need some help or feel like you might get stressed, ask yourself: Do I need suggestions or support/sympathy? Then go from there.

Same goes with kids. Take learning how to ride a bike, for example – all eight of the needs could come up. Maybe I’m offering verbal suggestions from a distance, but what my child needs that day is hands-on support to feel protected, safe and comfortable while figuring out how to peddle. Once they get the hang of it, I can let go and make suggestions while watching over them, delighting in and helping from afar.

The more I’ve practiced discovering and meeting kids’ needs (suggestions or support) the easier it has been for me to notice and meet my own needs, which is pretty cool.

Good luck with your stress, stressors and stress-release techniques. I hope you feel more confidence managing your stress each day by practicing moving toward peace, discovering the needs all around you and asking for help.

Becca Covington is a co-owner of Our Yoga, Yoga For The Whole Family, a yoga teacher, and a Circle of Security-Parenting Facilitator. She is focused on helping people feel safe and connected with each other and themselves.

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