The “Sh” Word: What your kids can’t tell you

WRITTEN BY MARISE ROWELL

The “sh” word. Do you know it? The word is shame and, although central to our human development, we tend to do anything but talk about it. In fact, research from The Center for Healing Shame explains how use of the word evokes not only difficult emotions in us, but also denial as our first reaction. Without awareness of what’s going on, or safety to talk about it, we tend to answer with “nothing,” or “I don’t know,” when asked how we’re doing. So, what is this sneaky thing called shame, where does it come from, where does it live and what can we begin to do about it?

Shame researcher Brene Brown explains, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It’s an actual bodily experience of physical sensations related to emotions, which in turn feeds beliefs in our mind that something is wrong with us. Ultimately it means we may “never be good enough” for safe, long-term human connection. Ouch! Shame is about whether and for how long we can be safely engaged with other humans so we do not have to feel alone.

While it often gets a bad rap, shame is a natural, primary emotion just like joy, sadness, anger and fear. We need it to regulate our behaviors so we can stay connected in relationships and communities. It’s designed to be healthy, but often becomes toxic, making access to healthy shame very difficult. Shame researchers debate the terms “healthy shame” vs. “guilt” to deflect focus off of the person (shame) and onto their behaviors (guilt); but, regardless of semantics, we need shame to maintain civility. At the same time, however, shame is at the core of societal damage when it’s of the toxic kind.

The biological roots of shame are explained in the nervous system language of Fight, Flight and Freeze by Stephen Porgess of Polyvagal Theory. Porgess explains, “Shame, like trauma, is a parasympathetic shut down (freeze), produced when the sympathetic nervous system is too agitated (fight and flight).” In other words, more activating emotions such as anger, fear, sobbing and even silliness can draw attention to what others may want us to stop sharing. Expressions that are too loud, or “dramatic” or considered culturally inappropriate in any way, become overtaken by the Freeze reaction to tamp down the unwanted Fight/Flight behaviors. Shame helps us reduce or stop those unwanted expressions so we can stay connected with others.

Shame begins on the outside of our identities as we learn from our parents and communities their cultural norms and expectations. Babies are not born with a knowledge of these requirements; rather, they are slowly acculturated into the system as they develop and grow. Children with characteristics that struggle with these expectations tend to experience what Chris Germer calls “trait shame.” Highly sensitive, ADHD, autistic and even strong-willed and gifted children are prime targets. Over time, criticisms and judgments for not conforming to norms lead to feelings of rejection and abandonment, especially when struggling after continued efforts to do so. Trait shame begins to make its way from the outside to the inside of a child’s identity and sense of self-worth. As Sheila Rubin with the Center for Healing Shame explains, “Developmental needs…not met over time can lead to internalized shame. The child learns… unconsciously to shame him or herself.” So, what was originally on the outside of a child’s sense of self-worth can become toxic and lead to a shame-based sense of self-worth; but, “sh” you’ll figure it out because nobody wants to talk about it…

So how do we address this powerful identityshaper so our kids can talk to us, and we can talk to each other? How do we help ourselves and our kids learn how to share the scariest parts of ourselves? First, follow Brene Brown’s advice to get courageous and brave so we can all face our shame. Second, get educated about emotional intelligence, nervous system regulation and shame resilience to build integrated skills to not only think but also feel our way through life and all the shame that comes with it. Third, get real about your expectations and discover if/ how/why toxic shame is driving them. We need to shine a light on our shame so it can’t lurk in the background any longer. Together, we can take the “sh” out of shame by starting powerful conversations so our kids can safely tell us what’s up, anytime about anything.

Marise Rowell is an LCPC out of Bozeman specializing in shame resilience, ADHD, grief and dementia caregiving. She can be reached at Marise@ExperiencingChange.com, or by calling 406-219-5600. Visit her website at ExperiencingChange.com.