What I did on my summer vacation e By Nanc y Ford
S
O OTHER THAN DEALING WITH THE
global pandemic and coughing up Saharan dust, how’s your summer? I hope it’s just peachy! How is mine, you ask? Well, though it can’t be described as a laugh-a-minute knee-slapper, my summer has been… memorable. And busy, busy, busy! Every day has been a veritable whirlwind — nay, more like a rollercoaster, jampacked with excitement and unexpected twists and turns, leaving me dizzy and nauseous on, pretty much, a daily basis. In the short span of a mere six-week period, I have —
—Physically recoiled at the thought of the infinite variety of germs, bacteria, and morsels of state dinners that reside in John Bolton’s moustache; —Questioned why rubber bullets aren’t used to break up mobs of redfaced, heavily armed, mostly white men and women as they shriek against the inequality of having to skip a few appointments at Supercuts; —Considered adding a helmet to my wardrobe of personal protective
WHAT A WORLD
equipment in anticipation of a million cicadas getting ready to emerge from underground after germinating for 17 years and beginning their mating cycle once again by emitting their 100+ decibel love buzz; —Learned that Verhoyansk, a remote town located in Siberia in the Arctic circle, hit 100-degree temperatures on the first day of summer, even though all this talk about global climate change is just another Chinese hoax; —Watched helplessly as the 50th anniversary celebration of the Houston Pride Parade wisely was cancelled, then sympathetically revived in support of Black Lives Matter, then wisely cancelled again; —Mourned as friends and loved ones whom I have long respected reveal a surprising and naively shallow side of themselves by insisting that All Lives Matter; —Had a conversation with a particularly treasured, elderly aunt who explains that FOX News is her sole source of information “because she’s a Christian;” —Tried to resolve the unmitigated hypocrisy of Texas Governor Greg Abbott being praised for finally adopting a public mask policy that Harris County Commissioner Lina Hidalgo was chastised for recommending weeks earlier; —Cringed as a man who thousands of evangelicals consider
to be sent from God turned the Holy Bible into a stage prop; —Developed respect, perhaps even admiration, for the author of a new tell-all book even though her last name is Trump; —Wondered if I will ever realize my dreams of sipping French wine in a quaint little café on the banks of the Seine or standing on the hallowed stage of The Cavern in Liverpool where The Beatles launched their career because Europe is closed indefinitely to American travelers; —Feared that South Dakota’s governor insistence that shooting off fireworks at Mount Rushmore is perfectly safe and wouldn’t set the surrounding national forests ablaze; —Blinked at the too-real hallucination of Honest Abe’s mournful, granite face turning even more stone cold the night the Lincoln Memorial was transformed into a backdrop for a Fox News/Trump propaganda spectacular; —Raised every strand of both eyebrows while being told that the blazing sun was beating down on the stage at West Point cadet’s graduation ceremony, yet the ramp leading to that same stage was like an ice-skating rink; —Listened to a small group (hehehe) of mesmerized lemmings squeal with glee in the BOK Center in Tulsa, Oklahoma at the sight of a 74-year-old man demonstrating his strength and virility by drinking a glass
v Facebook.com & t Twitter Find us on P
of water with one hand then throwing said water glass across the stage. —Realized that Meghan McClain has become a solid voice of reason in the Republican Party; —Viewed in amazement as Ch-ChCh-Chia plants sprout from the heads of previously immaculately coiffed late-night talk show hosts; —And have been quarantined from my beautiful, beloved, essential-worker partner for what seems like an eternity. But otherwise, I’ve had a great summer. I’m immensely thankful that my loved ones and I have remained Covidless. I have shelter, food, clothing, a solid internet connection, an extensive premium cable package, and enough allergy meds and Ambien to last until Jesus comes. And not for nothing, I’m thankful that my condo is within reasonable walking distance of a Spec’s liquor store. Perhaps best of all, I’m thankful that despite the Orange Menace’s best effort to pack it with antiequality justices, last month the Supreme Court of the United States actually ruled in favor of protecting LGBTQ+ citizens from workplace discrimination. Free(ish) at last. Yes, all things considered, it’s been a great summer. Pass the Coppertone and hand me a beer. e
Image via MeriCherry.com
PAGE 12 | MontroseStar.com e | Wednesday July 8, 2020
