PAGE 18 | MontroseStar.com e | Wednesday June 2, 2021
WHAT A WORLD
Cereal so gay e BY N A NCY F O RD
very year, just like clockwork,
when June rolls around, there is a E feeding frenzy among manufacturers of consumer goods to slap a rainbow on their merchandise to celebrate (sellabrate?) LGBTQ Pride. Some of these gay-targeted products include beer, vodka, shoes, watches, soap, LEGO characters, cosmetics, pillows, razors, Band-Aids, eyewear… basically everything on my Walmart shopping list. Even Mickey Mouse drops his traditionally red drawers in June and changes into a pair of rainbow culottes. And why not? We homos make up a highly desirable demographic that spends an estimated $20 million annually, and that’s just in the United States. Companies would be crazy not to jump on that big gay gravy train. Everyone knows you can’t spell PRIDE without PR. As if awakened like some odd cicada-like cycle, evangelical opponents to equality have rushed to condemn Kellogg and all other prideful product purveyors. Just like it has done in previous years, Kellogg announced the release of a special Pride Month cereal called “Together with Pride.” All June long, equality-minded folks regardless of their sexuality or gender can wake up to rainbow-colored
cereal hearts covered in edible glitter. — a veritable floating rainbow flag in a It’s like a Pride Parade for your mouth. bowl. No word yet regarding if or when On cue, LGBTQ Nation reports that black, brown, white, pink and sky blue The Ruth Institute, an anti-LGBTQ hate will join the increasingly inclusive mix. group led by longtime marriage equality Soon a host of other queer-inspired opponent Jennifer Roback Morse, called cereals lined the grocery store aisles. the cereal another product of “a radical Post’s Fruity Pebbles attempted to agenda that targets children and families.” compete with Froot Loops, but no self“Not only are they pushing the LGBTQ righteous naysayers gave a Bam. General agenda, they’re directly subsidizing it,” Mills’ Lucky Charms featured a twinky Morse yammered on, mocking Kellogg for little Leprechaun in pumps who spent supposedly “virtue-signaling to the cultural a lot of time chasing a rainbow. elite and everyone who buys in to its In 2003, Kellogg even tried to market agenda. They’re saying ‘We’re nice guys. We a cereal named Bart Simpson’s Eat My love everyone. Buy our product.’ Apologies Shorts cereal, a “frosted golden syrup to Tony the Tiger, but ‘Grrrreat!’ it’s not.” flavored multi-grain” morsel literally I’ve got news for you, Ms. Morse: The shaped like a little boy’s shorts. You LGBTQ community took control of the probably never heard of cereal industry a long, long time ago. this breakfast aberration Surely you heard of the ungodly, longbecause it’s distribution term relationship lesbians have had with was limited to the United granola. I defy you to stroll into a Brandi Kingdom, where British Carlile concert and yell “I need granola!” to evangelicals are seemingly no one in particular. Immediately, you’ll too polite to call the be deafened by the sound of thousands most important meal of Jantzen backpacks simultaneously of the day an apostasy. unzipping, with thousands of lesbians Quaker Oats takes whipping out a Ziploc bag full of blended pandering to the oats, nuts, raisins and self-sufficiency. LGBTQ community to The first LGBTQ battle in the war stratospheric heights. to control the breakfast cereal market Cap’n Crunch appealed came way back in 1959 when Kellogg’s to uniform queens. Their introduced the somewhat derisively short-lived Halfsies named Fruit Loops to an unsuspecting obviously appealed to populace. At that time the sweet, floating the bisexual community. O’s were limited to hues of red, orange and Vanilla Life was a blatant yellow. Following a name change to Froot attempt to entice the Loops, an expanded variety of blue, purple no-kink set. Remember and green loops were added in the 1990s Quisps? Quaker claimed
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the confection was space-alien based, but in reality it was a wink and a nod to that beloved gay raconteur, Quentin. I can’t explain why, but Malt-O-Meal’s Maple & Brown Sugar Mini Spooners sounds a little bit dirty. But not as dirty as General Mills’ Mr. Wonderfull’s Surprize. Bottom line (and I mean that literally), any commercial organization worth its salt and high-fructose corn syrup knows it is a smart financial move to cuddle up to the LGBTQ community, especially in June. If Ms. Morse is as savvy as they are, she’ll swallow her Pride and dive into a big bowl of Trix. Turns out, they’re not just for kids. Wishing all a safe and happy Pride Month! e
Photo via LGBTQNation.com
