THE ABC’s of Life:
Twenty-Six Things We’ve All Thought at One Point or Another
Written and Illustrated by Emma Cortellessa
Copyright Š 2020 Emma Cortellessa Published electronically in the United States All Rights Reserved. Written and Illustrated by Emma Cortellessa ECortellessa.com
For Mom and Dad–I hope you’re revving up for the big disappointment
Preface Certain things just feel right. Sometimes, artists can’t tell you why they wanted something to be a certain color, or why they needed to add this detail or that. They just put it there and think, “I like that.” This sense is what inspired this book. I can’t tell you why that anteater is clutching a crowbar and what the monkey is fishing for, but I can tell you that it just felt so right to do it. Every caption was written without thinking. What more could I add after I say to, “Do drugs”? Nothing. It is what it is. Once I began reflecting on this project and thought that maybe I was promoting unhealthy coping mechanisms or making depression into a meme. I was starting to doubt the validity of, “It is what it is.” I just wanted to draw something chaotic. I chose to draw what felt right. I have left it up to you to deride meaning, if you choose to do so. The phrases can be what you’re thinking. They can be what I am thinking. They can also be what the animals are thinking. They can be all three. I have left that for you to decide, and for me to keep as a sweet secret. (The secret is I don’t know.) This is a book about me and you, after all. Regardless, this book was inspired by thoughts that made me laugh. It is not a deep dive into the human psyche, nor is it intended to poke fun at anything in particular. It simply is what it is.
Introduction This is a book about Us. Not about people, but about You and Me. “Me” is not the author. “Me” is You, and only You will know who “You” is. This is a book about Me and You. Do not take this book to be literal. Do not take it to be metaphorical either. Invent your own answers to the questions that you have, if you have any questions at all. Do with this book what you will. you will know what is right, because this is a book about You. While flipping through the pages, try to match what you see to the letter given to you. If it does not fit, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. But maybe it was meant to be, and you’re just not trying hard enough. Try harder next time. Or flip to the next page. You will know when it is time because this is a book about me. “Me” is not the author. “Me” is you, and only you will know who “you” is. You will know because this is a book about Me and You and Us. Before you is a catalogue of some thoughts and experiences you may have had, or will have in the future. There is something mystifying about being bound with each other through absurd or thoughtless experiences. One day, twenty-four years into the future, you may ask yourself, “How did the mailman die? Why is everyone out to get me? Where did all this meat come from?” These questions are not important. What is important is that you asked the question in the first place. Maybe you asked no questions. Maybe you didn’t care in the first place. Maybe you reached the last page and thought, “Wow, what a waste of time.” But that is okay, because this is a book about You and Me and Us and Them.
Answer Key: Anteater, Abacus, Apple, Aunt Eater, Anxiety, Adversity, A Shoe, All of My Fears Condensed Into One Image, And A Compulsion To Understand Life Via Mathematical Formula, Atrocious Sense of Style
conclusion that my life fucking sucks.
After analyzing the data, I have come to the bold
Aa
Answer Key: Beaver, Bath, Boat, Blue, Bettering yourself with the gift of hygiene, Blame shifting, Bathtub, Buckteeth, Being a real piece of work let me tell you
avoid responsibility.
Blaming others for my mistakes is how I
Bb
Commit crimes.
Cc
Answer Key: Chicken, Crime, Crying, City cop, Circumstances that seem suspect, Cowboy hat, Cute colors, Call for help, Chilling example of the power of memories, Corruption
Answer Key: Deer, Drugs, Death, Duck, Dead Duck, Duck is Dead, Dying, Dying Death, Dealing with your problems in the worst way possible, Driven to sadness, Delectable meats
Do drugs.
Dd
Answer Key: Egret, Emma, Emerging from my shell to present to you the deepest recesses of my psyche, Endless annoyance, Eat
me to work hard, albeit unhealthily.
Endless scrutiny from my peers encourages
Ee
Answer Key: Fawn, Freedom from want, Failure, Frogs, Fleeting images, Fear, Fake sweats, Feelings, Faces, For the last time
Failure was never an option until I failed.
Ff
Answer Key: Giraffe, Graduation, Good grade giraffe, Getting to announce his big news in preparation for the big day, God, Generous amount of boogers and tears, Gallop into the future
strength to get this expensive piece of paper.
God, I’d like to thank you for giving me the
Gg
How the hell am I gonna talk my way out of this one?
I am uninteresting and that is what hurts most of all.
Answer Key: Jaguar, Jam, Judgement, Just realizing all of the mistakes made but lacking the motivation to act on corrections, Jealousy of a drawing due to a hunger for sandwiches in particular
though I am very judgmental.
Judgement scares me even
Jj
Kissing is illegal so I remain a virgin.
Kk
Answer Key: Kiwi, Killed, Kicked ass, Kiwi ass kicked until killed, Keeping up with appearances for the heck of it, Kicking off the year with a little false hope and despair
Answer Key: Lemur, lemonade, Leaking, Loss of a delicious beverage, Learning from mistakes but not truly learning and telling yourself this is a “learning moment� or whatever, Loser
Losing is easy, whilst winning is hard.
Ll
Mm
My emotions have gotten the best of me again. Answer Key: Monkey, Making a phone call, Mom will not be pleased to hear about this, My money!!! It’s monkey money!!!!
Answer Key: Numbat, Nurse, Not helping, Narcissism at its finest, Negativity can never slow me down but I must admit it’s getting hard to keep up, Nostrils, Nincompoops, Nightmare fuel, No
inevitable failures
Now put your hands together for my
Nn
Ordinarily I would hide in such a situation, but imagine the gossip to come from your demise.
Answer Key: Puffin, Peeing, Pleased as punch, Pacing yourself but unhealthily, Poetic justice, Post, People, Precocious perkiness, Periphery, Potty not in reach, Primarily faults of my own keeping me back from achieving my goals, Peaches
Prepare yourself for the regret of a lifetime.
Pp
Answer Key: Quail, Quitting before even starting, Quiet desperation, Quality time spent with your family is time not wasted unless your family sucks, Quenching the hunger of knowledge, Quiz, Quick thinking can sometimes be detrimental
Quit?
Revving myself up for the big disappointment.
Rr
Answer Key: Rabbit, Really considering his options, Rectum (probably somewhere, right?), Rectifying my wrongs by shifting the blame, Rigging the results of an important vote for important things, Rightfully claiming what is mine
Answer Key: Snow Monkey, Sustainability, Some frogs, Some fish, Some rain, Silliness incarnate, Superb weather for some fishing, Smoking, Sadness in store, Shady nights waiting for brighter days, Stick
nice, and then ruin it by not following through.
Sometimes, I like to think of something really
Ss
Tt that you love me, Tell Tell memeyou love me then watch me ruin everything then watch me ruin everything.
Answer Key: Uakaris, Unravel, Unruly behaviors, Ugly monkey, Understanding that now is not the time to excuse yourself for a bathroom break, Udders?, Um
Underneath it all, I am truly a coward of the highest caliber.
Uu
Very interested to see if I will make it to next year, considering the circumstances.
Vv
Answer Key: Vulture, voicing his rightful opinion, Vacant brain, Vain attempt to gain some notoriety but doing horrible things, Vivid realization that something terrible is pending
Xx
XXXXXXXX
Answer Key: XANIMAL, XXXXX, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXX,
Answer Key: Yak , Yawn, Yellow, Yesterday was terrible but today was even worse, Yearning for a better personality
You have no idea how many clams I had to eat to get here.
Yy
Zz
ZZZ I sleep now. Goodnight.
Answer Key: Zebra, Zig-Zag, Zany happenings despite your best efforts to keep it serious in the name of productivity, Zeal that borders on the uncomfortable, ZZZ